Monday, March 31, 2008

Fat Ass report - 2

Well.. Ive lost 11 lbs!!! The goal is to loose 50 by Oct! I WILL DO THIS!!!
So.. here it goes..

current weight: 230

GAWD!!! Thats hard to look at.. then again.. when I started Weight Watchers.. I weight 241!
So.. 11 pounds.. that's pretty good.. It's been 7 weeks..
I even, started working out at the gym..
Now.. mind you.. I fucking hate the gym..
Believe me when I say I hate the gym.. I HATE the gym..
I hate excercise, H A T E it... but.. Im gonna do this.. I have commited to $30 a month.. money is sacred to me.. cuz well, Im poor..poor white apartment trash.. LOL..hahahahahahaha...... Im kidding... Im kidding..
It's a joke between my son and I....

Anyhow.. Im commited.. 3x a week.. Tuesday, Thursday & Sunday...'s a start..
I will be lighter by October.. when I go to Cabo.. I will be tone... and lean... and tan!!!

Im doing this for me..
Not for anyone else..
For me.. noone else..

So.. yeah.. 11 lbs.. I have to keep reminding myself.. I didnt pack on these extra pounds overnight.. it took time.. to it's not gonna come off overnight.. it will take time..
but Ive noticed it.. and so have alot of other people.. which makes me feel accomplished (or their just being nice) either way.. it makes me feel good...

Im not on a "diet" Im on a life changing plan..
to eat healthier... to live longer.. to be good to my body..

OH Good lord.. I want a donut!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

It's done..finally..I have moved on!!!!

The ex wrote me an email..
one stating that I was raising "our" children to be liars.. that I was an "ugly person"
stating that he is done trying to be my "friend" and done sending me money (mind you, he's only paid $20 total in child support)

One stating that he see's my true colors.. Im a bitch.. duh.. already knew that.. one stating that I have never moved on in life, and that he has.. one stating that God is on his side.. not on mine..

So.. I wrote a response in return.. one that I wont send.. but one that I had to vent.. if he ever really does piss me off.. it's one that I will send.. but until then.. I feel better for writing it.. if I was to send it to him.. it would just open up a line of communication that I no longer wish to have in my life...
Here's the letter:

I'm not sure why I am replying to your bullshit.. but none-the-less... here I am responding, which I guess in a round about way, makes me the weak person.. oh well...

I'm not stopping you from being a father to R.. never have, I am however stopping you from being a passing fancy in her life. You come and you go, with no general concern for others. Maybe your changing, maybe your not. Either way I could really care less. Your track record speaks for itself. Your a free-loader, and I wouldn't be surprised if your using the current people your living with or sponging off of. It's what you do.. and you should be oh so proud of yourself for being able to manipulate situations.. Way to go W!!!!

Believe it or not, and it's your choice.. at this point in the game,because this has all become a game.. one that I don't wish to play anymore, but I have forgiven you... I have forgiven you for all the bullshit you put me and MY children through. But, I will NEVER forget.. two different things... I also thank you.. I thank you for teaching me how to be a strong, independent women. For teaching me how to stand on my own two feet, with assistance from my family once, who LOVE me.. I was and am able to provide for MY children. Sadly, you have no family to turn to.. your family sings a different tune when I receive emails from them. Your a liar W.. always have been.. always will be. Your a user.. not of just drugs, which I do hope you have finally given up.. but a user of people, situations & emotions. If you ever amount to anything in life, I will be greatly shocked. As of right now, your a nothing... R doesn't need a father like that. I wouldn't be surprised if she was ashamed of you.

Did you ever stop to think, why she doesn't tell you anything? It's not wholly because of me.. I actually don't speak bad about you in front of her. Yet, she's not a stupid child.. she's extremely intelligent and can form her own opinions. She's sad that she doesn't have a father to rely on.. she's mad because her father is such a loser. She's upset at the fact her father cant keep a job, keep his promises, has multiple children and has nothing to do with them. You should feel so proud of yourself! You are nothing more than a sperm donor to your children. Because it takes a hell of a lot more to be a Dad!

Contrary to your belief, I don't blame you for all my financial woes.. I do however blame you for part of them.. after all.. it was you who manipulated situations to better yourself.. with no cares about the me or the kids.. so be it.. my stupidity for allowing that to happen.. I've moved on, away from you. I'm finally happy in life W.. I finally figured out who I am, what I am, what I want, and what I deserve. It's been awhile since I have been happy, nothing you say or do will take that away. You no longer have control over me, and you no longer can manipulate me to do what you want. I'm so sorry that I grew up. Maybe some day you too can grow up and become an adult.

So you see who I am? You have no idea who I am.. you have no idea what my thoughts are, my passions in life, my out look, my wants or my desires. That's all fine with me, I don't want you to know me. Because you have no rights to know me. I have no rights to know you, nor am I going to pretend to know who you are. If I saw you walking down the street, I wouldn't even take a second look in your direction, because your outer appearance is one of a destitute, washed up, used, has been.. oh wait.. you haven't been anything in life.. so your just a wanna be.. a wanna be something in life, but not able to achieve it unless you can pull others down with you. To me that defines "User"

I'm sure God is pleased with you lashing out. Matthew 6:14 - 15 " For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." I have forgiven you..and moved on.

God Bless W...May the road ahead of you bring you happiness, forgiveness & tranquility

Friday, March 21, 2008

Say it.. Mean it.. Believe it...

Some things that are getting me thru life at the moment:

"Regret is the cancer of life."

"Live Well, Laugh often, Love much"
(although Im having issues in the "love" world..Im loving what's already mine)

Comes the Dawn

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul;
and you learn that love doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
and presents arnt promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain.
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get to much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.....
that you really are strong.....
and you really do have worth....

And you learn, and you learn, and you learn
-Author: Anonymous

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Each day is brighter

Its been 3 days.. since my cry fest.. 3 days to allow myself time to heal, to move on, to think.
Not nearly enough time to obtain any answers, or to figure anything out.

However.. w/in those 3 days.. things have gotten easier.. there still is a dark shadow over my heart.. but, I can see rays of sunshine bursting in... I will be ok.. I will over-come.. I will be me again.

For years I walked around with an icy coating.. w/ice so thick that it would take more than just icepicks to chip it away. Stick of dynamite probalby wouldnt work either...
I froze myself off from so many "oppurtinities" after my last "relationship" I swore to myself that I would never put myself or my children thru that hell again.

Here I am... years later.. thinking to myself.. Can I?
Can I allow all these emotions to run? Can I allow myself the oppertunity to find happiness?
Happiness? possibly.. Love? No...

I read in a magazine this morning sitting at the dentist office for my kids cleaning appointment (oh..and there were NO cavaties found.. Im such a proud Mamma)

"Connecting with your soul mate isn't a matter of luck, but requires allowing yourself to feel worthy of unconditional love. Your life partner probably isn't identical to you, but rather someone who shares common values, allowing you bring out the best in each other. Keeping an open mind and a willingness to accept change is the key"

Sitting here thinking about that.. makes me think.. is there really such thing as soul mates?
Can I feel worthy of unconditional love?
To be able to spend my life w/one person, who accepts me for me.. doesnt expect me to be someone else. To not have to change my way of thinking to bend to him?

I dont believe it's a possibility.. I dont believe that there is someone out there for me..
Which is why I cant move forward in my life. I still believe in those words that were uttered to me so many years ago.
"You will never find anyone for you, you will never find someone who loves you as I do, You will never be worthy of anyone else's affections.. you belong to me"

It took me 4 yrs to walk away.. but emotionally, Im still tied..
That power is still there, no matter how much I pretend its non-existant.
I still give him the power to control.. even tho I refuse to be controlled.
It's an on going battle that I wage between my heart/soul & mind..
There still is a piece of my heart that belongs to that long ago nightmare, even though I KNOW in my heart we are better off w/out him.
My mind is strong... my soul is healing..
My heart has a hole in it..

I think part of my heart wants to feel love... part of my mind.. has found it.. but my soul wont accept it..
My soul wont allow what could be. Because it was my soul that had to carry me so far before.. That had to stop me from cutting away the pain. It was my soul that had to pick up my heart & mind... correct the damage, and push forward...

So.. how do I get the 3 back into order.. to co-exist w/one another?

Oh no... Ive given myslef a headache!

Monday, March 17, 2008

My heart hurts :(

I cried for the first time in months yesterday morning.
I cried...
I actually cried..
My heart hurt that bad...

Did you know, that it's really hard to drive a car with tears running down your face.
Visibility is awful!
I dont cry...
I rarely ever cry..
My Daddy always used to tell me that it's a wasted emotion and doesnt solve anything.
Action's solve your problems.. Not tears..
But yesterday I cried.

I took a weekend trip.. just me.. no kids.. and I drove to Idaho.. 5 hrs one way..
to see old friends..

the night before I left.. I saw him..
and my heart swelled.. and yet I was scared.. because I could so easily.. just crawl right into him.
I could fall.. so hard.. that I may never find "me" again...

There were about 10 of us.. laughing, eating, drinking, enjoying each others company.
Old friends of mine.. some that I hadnt seen in years..
and him..
He was married to a good friend of mine... they are no more..
as the night progressed.. people left.. or crawled into beds, and went to sleep..
we talked..
for hours.. just he and I...
about the past, the future, the now.. emotions, current situations

then he asked me.. if he could kiss me..
and he did..
and I have never felt like that before..
when his lips touched mine, I melted... my breath caught..
the wolrd tilted.. and I realized.. then and there.. I finally found him...
it felt that right :)

It probably was a mistake.. to attempt what came next..
we ended up together.. laying next to one another.. enjoying the feeling of skin..
when these words are spoken..

"I cant"

I told him it was ok..
Just lay down.. get some sleep.. relax..
That it could of been a number of things..
1) to much alcohol
2) no attraction
3) just not ready (he had been seperated for just over a year.. w/out any activities)

He said the attraction is there.. he finds me intimidating, because Im so beautiful..
he never realized how beautiful I was, because he wasnt allowed to look.. or really get to know me..I am the most beautiful person he knows...

I chalked this up to drunk talk..
I waited for him to pass out..
and went downstairs to the couch.. and slept.. for 45 min
he shows up.. curls up on the couch w/me...
and falls asleep...

hrs go by.. It's time to leave..
tell him Im leaving to make my 5 hr drive home..
gives me a little hug.. and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

I get in my car..
and I cried..
I cried half way down I-90
I cried...
My heart still hurts
I think I may cry some more

I tried to talk to him yesterday..
via txt
they were so formal

I cried some more

Finally talked to him last night.. I didnt sayanything about how I felt..
the subject was actually never brought up..
Never mentioned..

He talked..rambled really.. almost as if he was nervous..
talked about his plans.. for the year..
He included me in on alot of those plans..
Introductions need to be made w/me and all his friends..
Camping, ocean trips, trip to Cabo, weekends that need to be spent together

As friends?
Or More?
I didnt ask..

I dont know what it all ment..
5 hr trip really is alot of time for a mind to think... and think... and think..
scenerios to play over & over & over.
Decisions to be made.. and changed...

I dont know where we stand.. Im not sure if I want to know..

I dont even know what it all means... ???

I guess.. I should do what comes normal.. bury everything..
and go back to where we were..
and call it good..

not two steps back..
I need to go a whole block back..
and remain Me.. otherwise.. I will get lost again..

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


Many years ago I fell in love, with a man who was my everything.. he was the reason I was put onto this earth to breath. We would have great conversations about the future, where it would take us, what we would do, how to get there.. there was nothing to stop us, as long as we had each other. He was the reason why the birds sang, rainbows arch over the sky and everything was right in the world.

Until reality smacked me straight in the left eye.. and my world became a dark rainy, thundering night, and lightening streaks that nightmares were made of.

Fast forward 12 years.. the only reminiscences I have of him, is my daughter... I say "MY" daughter because I'm the one who has raised her, provided for her, supported her. Gotten up in the middle of the night with her, disciplined her, bandaged her, guided her, swatted her butt. She is mine.. not his. Always and forever mine.

He was never there.. when we found out I was pregnant.. the nightmare began.. It's when the most harshest words have ever been spoken to me.
"Your getting an abortion"
I should of known at that time I was on the doorstep of Hell.
I should of known at that time that my life was about to take a drastic downward spiral.
But.. Love cures all.... right?
No.. Love makes you blind. Love makes you stupid. Love turns you into putty in an abusers hands.

I try not to dwell on all the negative.. in some cases I wouldn't change much of my past.. If I had never of met up with him, I would of never had my daughter, if I would of never met up with him, I would of never realized how strong I could of been. If I would of never met him, I would of never over come my fear (at the time) of being alone.

The reason I bring all this up, is because he just called me.. at work..
to tell me that he's found God.. and that because of God, he has found it in his heart
to forgive me, for leaving him, in a snow storm, on the side of the road.
To also tell me that he loves me, and he's sorry for all the things he's done to me over the years and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wishes he wouldn't of screwed it up all those years ago.

He's sorry for telling me to get an abortion
He's sorry for slamming me up against the wall when I was 7 months pregnant.
He's sorry for spanking my son so hard that he left bruises
He's sorry for segregating me from my family
He's sorry for screwing around on me and getting that other chick pregnant
He's sorry for stealing from me
He's sorry for selling my only car out from under me so he could buy more drugs
He's sorry for lieing to me, cheating on me
He's sorry for never supporting "our" daughter
He's sorry for never acknowledging her
He's sorry for walking away from her
He's sorry for attempting to kidnap her
He's sorry.. he's sorry.. he's sorry

He hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive him...
Well you know what.. I can.. I can forgive
I can find it in my heart to forgive him..
I will also thank him for giving me my beautiful daughter
I can thank him for making me realize that Im a hell of alot stronger than I EVER gave
myself credit for
I can thank him for teaching me how to respect myself..
I can thank him for bringing me closer to my family
I at least can thank him for teaching me that forgiveness is one of the biggest things you can
give to another person.
Just never forget.. because once you forget, the cycle can start all over again.

I forgive you..
I hope that your life finally turns itself around, I hope that you and your family finally find each other and forgive each other.
I hope that you can forgiveness in your own soul..

Oh.. and let me know how this whole "God" thing works out for you.
God found me years ago.. I walked away from him.. what's amazing is how he continues
to support me, acknowledge me, and understand me... regardless of all the mistakes I make..
and regardless of how many time I curse at him..
You dont need a church to tell you how to pray.. or how to worship.. what you need is to actually allow him into your heart.. and your soul..
Im still trying to do that.. but he knows I still need him..
Hopefully he can do the same for you...