Ho Hum...twiddle a dee!!!

Mid quarter update!

2011-03-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

Well Hello!!!!

So, follow-up on the boy child, he received a very minor sentence since it was his first offense he got a diversion process – had to complete 3 things pay some fines and he would be done with it. Collect some food for the food bank, go through a DUI impact panel, receive a drug/alcohol assessment. He did all 3… however the assessment came back that my baby boy has a bit of an addiction… so.. off to treatment he went… 3 days a week… one night a week is “family group counseling” that I’m not impressed with, as it has nothing to do with families, and more to do with just sitting there and listening. But I am there, once a week, for the next 8 weeks to support my son, and make sure he knows that we all make mistakes and we all come out of it. We learn and we grow and it is what it is. Hell I was there at that age too…

What amazes me, is out of the 11 kids in this group session… only a handful of parents attend, what amazes me is some parents attend, then don’t come back. What amazes me are the stories I hear from these teens of the psycho parents they have at home, or the lack of parenting that takes place. Yes, I realized there are these types of parents out there. Yes Yes I realize that my kid is not perfect nor am I a perfect parent, but I am involved! Your asking yourself, how can you be involved when your child has an addiction…didn’t I see it? No.. that’s just it… I didn’t see it.. because my son’s behavior never changed. There was no drastic changes in his behavior. Looking back I can see the little subtle changes….NOW.. but at the time.. nothing.. he still spent time with the family… he still laughed… he still had an appetite.. he didn’t withdraw.. there were no signs… that’s what’s so crazy…but he’s going on almost 70days sober…Im so very very proud of him!

My daughter is handling this all pretty well, except for the fact that all the attention has been focused on her brother and not her. So that’s been very hard for her to handle, but she’s handling it pretty well. She has cheer tryouts soon, I think she’s nervous, cheer is very cut throat, and vicious. I hope she makes it and yet, I have been talking to her about if she doesn’t make it that will be ok too. She seems to have the confidence that she will. Confidence is great… but being disappointed in the outcome I think is worse.

I quit smoking… January 4, and in return I’ve packed on some extra ass weight! Along with a spare tire, so started a life change today, eating healthier, drinking more water and just attempting little baby steps at getting this to go away.

The BF and I broke up… I dumped him about a month ago, he went out, got fall down stupid ass drunk came home and punched a hole in my hall wall and called my daughter a fucking little cunt. He’s lucky my brother was there when it all went down, or my son and I would of ended up in jail that night. The boy came flying out of his room ready to defend his sister. It warmed my heart. Even though the siblings fight like WWIII. So I’m single again… very happy about that.

Ok, That’s all folks
Peace!

Just need to breath

2010-12-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot all about my little blog here.. well not totally forgot, just kind of put it to the far back areas of my brain and just left it to form cobwebs.

Well, August until about a week ago have been rather uneventful, so I suppose that’s always a plus, life has been trudging along. Work is work, home is home.

Until Friday.. when the police showed at my front door, with my 16yr old son. He decided to go out drinking with some buddies… then proceeded to get in a car w/some 22 yr old dumbass, who thought it would be fun to go joy riding…. They crashed… no, my son wasn’t driving… he was a passenger, the 22 yr old guy was driving.. he provided the kids alcohol, my son went along for the ride because…well I don’t rightly know why he went along for the ride. I have talked to this kid over and over and over again concerning drinking and driving and how you NEVER get into a car with someone who has been drinking. Sadly, the transmission did not actually make it into his brain cavity and imbed itself.

No one was hurt during the crash, thank GOD! The car was crashed into a utility pole. The idiots walked away from the accident and left the car wrapped around the pole. The Police found them at the 22yr olds residence. My son was arrested and brought home. The 22 yr old was arrested and hauled to jail. With a DUI, contributing to minors, & Hit and run charges.

My son is looking at a MIP/MIC (minor in possession/minor in consumption) charge. Im an evil Mother and told the police that I want the DA to pick up the charges because my kid did something horribly wrong and made a horribly bad judgment call and I will NOT allow him to feel he can get away with this!

So, were waiting for the court date to see what’s next. I have never felt so disgusted with my son, nor have I ever wanted to physically harm him. I asked the officer if he truly wanted to leave him in my custody. Because I have a temper and I could feel the blackout coming on. I can honestly say I had to hold my hands together. I did not yell. I did not fight. I looked at my son and told him. I loved him, I was glad he was safe and that no one else was hurt. However I was so disgusted and disappointed in him that I couldn’t look at him and to go to bed. I spoke to him Saturday evening. Cuz it took me that long to calm down. The “what if’s” kept me up all night.

So now it’s a hurry up and wait game……

As for the rest of my life… I think me and the man are done.. I haven’t completely decided… he’s so needy, and insecure, and needy… yes I know I already said needy… but he is. And not independent. I thought it was cute for awhile, but over the last month OY. It’s getting tiring. Follows me around like a little puppy dog. I just can’t think anymore. More on that later. I just need to think about it.

My daughter is doing ok, she’s backed up again, which reminds me Im off to make a Drs appt for her.

Catch up... not ketchup

2010-08-03T14:37:00.001-07:00

Wow, I logged in after months of being away from blog land and see that I have 39 followers, just when did that happen? I'm flattered. Thank you..

So, I guess Ive been a little MIA... OK, not really life has been throwing some huge ass curve balls, as of yet I haven't been hit in the head with a fast pitch but damn my thigh hurts!

So, lets see whats new in my little slice of hell? I finally got my bike endorsement, I finally decided that I needed to feel the vibrations of my own big engine between my legs, one that I had control of, so I went out and passed the class and I am now legal!
I made the hard mental decision to allow my 16 yr old to start drivers education and obtain his driving permit, so far he's only tried to put us in a ditch once, so I suppose he's doing rather well.
My teenage daughter is having some medical issues... basically she's full of shit.. literally..no lie.. she's full of shit and the meds she is on are not working, I'm thinking it's gonna have to be some kind of procedure to un-shit the child (oh she would be mortified if she knew I was writing about this)

My oldest brother has moved in with me, that has been a HUGE undertaking, I never realized what a self-centered, egotistical, male chauvinistic ass he was, I mean is. Holy Wow what an eye opener it has been.

4 weeks til the kidletts are back in school... I am thankful that my kids are teenagers, I have a few high school friends who are just now starting their families, and frankly I just do not understand as to why? We will be 40 in a few short years, why oh why would you want to live these years w/small, crying, running amuck children? Then again, I guess they lived their lives early on. I am looking forward to my 40's with no small ones at my heels.

I am still employed.. woo hoo.. in this day an age that is a huge accomplishment!

Got a new man, ok ok, we have been together going on 9 months, that is HUGE.. He's good to me.. he's good to my kids.. and well I hate to say it, he spoils me to know end and treats my like a princess... well, a dark princess as I hate the flowers/frill and fluff.. but, he's good people, wonder how long before I fuck this one up?

Cheers everyone!

Who would of thunk it....

2010-04-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well one of my loyal readers nominated me for a blog award.

At first I thought it was a big joke, but turns out someone really does like me.
Thank you loyal reader. Much appreciated....

so with that being said..... go vote for me, although I think I only have a few readers one or two is better than none to zero Righht

Sadly Im sitting in a hotel on hotel wi-fi... and I cant seem to get anything to link up the way it's suppose to.

I decided to take a small vaca away from life and responsibilities and drove my happy ass to Reno.
So far the winning gods have been very fickle. But, the drinking gods have been kind. Meaning I havnt woke up with a hangover yet, so either the drinks are weak or Im just not drinking.
Either way Im relaxing and that's what is important.
Heading home tomorrow (Wednesday) gonna make that lovely drive home back to the world of responsibilities, work, kids, animals and and and... woo hoo... life is life I suppose.

It's an Orange...

2010-04-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

You know life sometimes gets in your way, prohibits you from being who you are, who you want to be, where you currently are, or where u really wish to be. That has been me. My days have made me feel like a rat, running in circles on a large metal wheel. Not really feeling like I'm getting anywhere, just running in circles in place... over and over and over again.

Yes, there have been some bright spots. Some joyous moments. My kids are doing great. I got an awesome bonus from work. I moved out of my hell hole apartment into a beautiful big house. I finally met the man of my dreams. Who adores me, my kids and the Noah's ark that I have created.

But some days, I still feel that there is something missing. But what? What is it that could make me feel all that much more complete? Honestly, I have my health, which by the way was touch and go for awhile with the damn pneumonia and bronchitis and stupid ass colds that just wont let go. I have my children.. who have been doing marvelous. I have my new Man... who adores my big butt... my tummy w/the imperfections... my wild antics... he is so mellow compared to me.. we fit amazingly well together, and most importantly my kids really like him.
So the question is what?

Hmmmm... maybe it's time to stop thinking of whats missing, and start moving through life thinking that all's well. Nothing is missing, life is finally where it's suppose to be.

That's a novel concept huh?!

Peace

Lack of want

2009-11-02T12:09:00.001-08:00

Lately it’s been abnormal to see a smile on my face, life has been so crazy busy, hectic, stressful, dull, annoying and well pissy!
That when I do actually have a smile on my face people tend to wonder what I am actually up to. I hate to sound like a broken record and I’m most positive that I’m not the only one w/in this great big world of ours that is not having a great 2009. I’m truly hoping for a bright 2010.

But lately, life has been full of one big disappointment after another.

My kid’s fathers… huge disappointments in the Daddy arena. They just can’t seem to pull their heads outta their asses to step up and do what needs to be done to take care of their half of the responsibilities. My son’s father blames it all on me.. I left him, so therefore it’s all my responsibility. My daughters father… well… I don’t even know where to begin there, so let’s just suffice it to say that it’s most important for him to either impregnate as many women as possible or smoke up his entire life.
Im telling ya, I sure do know how to pick them!

But lately… there has been very little to smile about. My kids make me smile. Even if they are teenagers, and are slowly driving me drink (kidding I don’t drink anymore than normal) I’ve been really sick… the plus side of being sick is that I’ve pretty much kicked the smoking habit. Although I’m not saying I’m a non-smoker. I’m just saying... I haven’t had one for a week now because I’ve been so sick and I do not even desire one. So that’s a plus.

I met someone who makes me smile.
It’s all about the person’s personality.

I adore his personality.
He makes me laugh
He makes me smile
He makes me feel
He makes me happy

I don’t want to feel, be happy, laugh or smile

Because when it all goes away what are you left with?

Hurt/pain/anger

I can’t go there again

The teen years can suck my dick!!!

2009-09-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

This sucks! I can not remember a time in my life where I have ever felt like my kids have been so out of control.

The teen years. Yes.. the dreaded awful teen years!
I'm surprised the fire department hasn't appeared at my home more often with all the smoke rising from the rafters - due to my head exploding.

Where to begin?
The boy child... holy wow.. he's almost 16 -sophmore in High School - 3 months shy of driving privileges - however his attitude and grades are stopping him from ever receiving his right to drive under my roof. Yet, he continuously bugs me about letting him drive. I say "I'm sorry, you have no permit to drive"
Do you know what happens next?
That's right - I get called names. I'm the most uncool Mother in the world.
The unfairness of it all!
Im told Im unfair - Im making stupid rules - his friends are allowed to drive (oh wait THEY have permits)
Needless to say.... he hates me...
He seems to have forgotten also the fact that he lives there too - he can make any mess he wants and yet he doesnt have to clean it up. No picking up after himself - no dishes - that he can come and go as he pleases - I ask him to do something I get the response "I'll do it later" but amazingly enough Later never seems to come.. it's more along the lines of NEVER - and now he also seems to think that he doesnt have to do homework.

The girl child - I cant deal with hormonal tween girls - she's going to be 13 - in just over 2 weeks she will be 13 - I think she has been possesed w/the demon from Emily Rose... she is going to cause me to commit random acts of violence. D R A M A!
Holy shit.. Ive never seen so much drama in my life - everything is a catastraphe - everything is an emergency - everything is all about her.. right at that moment..and all moments inbetween!
Her life is her friends & her cell phone.
She seems to think it's ok to talk to me any damn way she feels is necessary to get what she wants.

Ive had enough!
Im going to loose it!
Im regaining my home!
Im regaining myself!

I have informed my children that Im not here to be their friend.
Im here to be their parent and to make sure that they make it to the age of 18 w/good solid fundementals under their belts and hopefully smart enough to make some good choices in their lives.
But - until that point moment and time.. IM IN CHARGE!
IT'S MY HOUSE!

Uggghhh...!!!
yeah...
the teen years... can suck my DICK!

bzzzzzzzzz

2009-09-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life just throws you a ton of lemons, what you decide to do with those lemons is what becomes important. Ive been so pissy & unhappy lately, that I finally decided to turn those lemons into some sweet adult beverages... a little lemonade w/a splash of vodka.. num num num!!!

Things are going well, I mean I didnt win the lotto or anything and money is extremely tight at the moment. So tight that Im going to make it even more tight and put myself on one hell of a budget that will not be ignored.. time to pull myself outta this mess that Ive put myself into... wish me luck!
BUT... there are no men troubles taking place.

Im content.. for the first time in quit awhile, Im finally content.
What else can a girl ask for?
Well, except for a really good vibrator since there are no men in her life that will take that edge off.

So, other than that, I have no reason to complain.
Kids are back in school
Im still employed
I love my job once again
All's good in my corner of the world.

Let the fun times begin!!!!

Walls erected!

2009-08-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself into situations that I know will cause me more harm than any good.

There is a defective part in my mind and heart that causes me to make poor decisions.

To sit back and think that people do actually change for the better.

What I need to realize and remember is that people don’t change for the better, very often. They just rearrange their spots – so that it becomes harder to identify who they once were and who they have become.

Sometimes listening to the words of someone, wanting so much to believe what is being said, but knowing deep down in your heart or hearts it’s all such crap.

Believing the words of one can make you such a fool.

I am that fool

It is for the best that I do not allow myself to be caught up

It is for the best that I allow the distance and take that stance that has kept me locked up and secure.

I can not allow myself to be caught up in the empty words & promises of someone who has lies so easily fall from their mouth.

I must remember what has happened & the pain it has caused. Regardless of the apologies and the begging of forgiveness

I can not put myself through the pain & sorrow and helplessness that caused me to travel a path that I was lucky to pull myself free from.

You can love someone with everything you have but you can not ever be with that person. There is no life together, no tomorrows, and no dreams of a future.

All I have is what I have gained through the road that I traveled, it is mine and I am a stronger person because of choices that I have made.

I had to close myself off to the promises of tomorrow. The hopes and dreams that once were in my thoughts are no more. The door was slammed shut many times over. Those hopes and dreams will not come true, not the way I once wanted them. The walls that have been erected will not come down easily if ever. This is my choice – however there are leaks and I must fortify what is seeping.

This is the choice that I make. For my own self preservation.

Right or Wrong? I do not know… but it is what gets me from day to day to concern myself with only those that matter. My kids…

They are my all... My reason for closing myself off from outside influence.

Got a lightbulb?

2009-07-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I started dating someone, actually he was my FB for years.

Once all the nightmare washed away I ran into him one evening and we reaquinted ourselves.
I can honestly say it was the best sex I have had in a very long time.

So, there are a few dilemma's with this situation. Which isnt there always, I mean, when Im involved there is always some form of drama or dilemma

1) He loves me - he told me so, said he has missed me
2) I realized Im in love with him
3) He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me - I hurt him by moving on w/someone else regardless of how bad it turned out, he's hurt - Im sorry for that
4) He's moving - in about 6 months - a few hrs away

I finally told him that I need more. Want more, he's not willing to give it to me so why should I continue to become more attached and keep wanting and longing when what I want isnt going to happen?

After all the bullshit Ive put myself through these last few months, I thought there was finally a light at the end of my tunnel of hell that I created for myself. That light is slowly dimming. Its ok, I know it will become a 100 watter soon, I just gotta get a little bit closer to screw that damn thing back in.

Forgive me while I sit in the darkness for awhile. It's kind of cozy here, besides it keeps the heat out!

Just checking in...

2009-07-09T12:17:00.001-07:00

I'm OK

Thank you for every one's concern

It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.

As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.

I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs

What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?

How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!

He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.

He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.

I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"

Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!

My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!

They are my life
My reason

I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!

Suicide is so final

2009-07-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

My mind is in a fog yet the I'm riding the anger train, I think I will be riding it for a very long time.

How could he?!
Put myself through the that hell, and put my children at risk?
Who the hell does he think he is?
Is life so not worth living and so very bad that popping those pills chased w/a 1/2 gallon of your favorite beverage is worth the end result?

If I hadn't of found him, what then?
Was it truly a cry for help?
Or was it truly an end that he wished for?

What if my children had been there?

Why? Seriously why?

I'm exhausted...emotionally & mentally exhausted.
I cant take much more
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I being non-caring, cold, heartless?
Maybe...but I must be this way
I have lives depending on me

Your still alive
Now, find someone else to torment...
Leave me the fuck alone.
I'm done!

Just stamp my forhead VOID

2009-06-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

There is a void in my life.
What that void is I haven't figured out

I'm slowly going through the motions of just living
I get up, I go to work, I go home, I cook dinner, I do laundry, I go to bed
Repeat
day in...
day out...

My life has taken on a series of nothingness
Its a mixture of
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Do-nothing-ness

How does one pull away from the blah's?
How does one know if they are in love or not?
I suppose if you have to question it, you arnt... but.. ????

I feel like I'm nonexistent - like people don't truly see me, am I so ordinary that I'm voidable?
Forgettable?

Confusion
lost
damn it!
Sucks!
Pathetic

Im not liking this alot..
wow.. seriously?

I need to go find some excitment..
Some.... SOMETHING!

Any suggestions?

An era come and gone...do u rememeber?

2009-06-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

You could hardly see
for all the snow,

Spread the rabbit ears
as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the
TV set,

'Good Night, David.

Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut
chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost
hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli

Almost all of us would
have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone
would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not
PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in
gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an
option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than
gym.

Speaking of school, we
all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in
detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had
horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was
supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of
myself.

I just can't recall how
bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270
digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where
was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I
could have been killed!

We played 'king of the
hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when
we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked
it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt
spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of
antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a
horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the
neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked
there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds
from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop,
just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our
house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a
goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a
single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so
duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO
SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T -- SORRY FOR WHAT
YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING

Summer is coming

2009-06-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hi all,
Only 3 more school days left, then summer officially begins. My son actually obtained a babysitting job for the summer, it's only 4 hrs a day, but he will be raking in a whole $100 a week!!! That's a lot of cash for a 15 yr old. Oh the plans he already has for that money. New IPOD, new bike, clothes, a new cell phone. Oh wow.. I can already hear it

"Mom, can you pay half and I'll pay half"
"Mom, I swear I will pay you back"
"Mom, P L E A S E!!!???"

It will be a great lesson in money management for him.

My daughter already has a part time job working for a professional dog handler. Her first work weekend is next weekend. She doesn't get paid alot, but she gets about $50 or so a weekend.. that's alot of money for her.. hell she's only 12.

The girl child graduates from 6th grade on Tuesday... moving on up into the great big world of Middle School, the drama is already surrounding her so much so that I cant keep up. What amazes me is how many friends that girl has. Especially because she's so dang bossy. Controlling, argumentative and well, she's kind of a bully... hey I can say that she's a mini me... ;)
But I swear there are always kids at our house, staying the night or just always there! There's even a boy that hangs out ALL THE TIME..... he seems like a good kid and he minds his manners.. I actually think he's in "like" with my daughter but luckily she has no desire to have a "boyfriend" she says their just good friends.. believe you and me though, I do not leave them alone for any point and time!

The boy... he's starting to run with an interesting group of kids. I cant tell him who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. I remember when my father used to pull that on me and all it would do would push me closer to those kids that he didn't want me to associate with. So I just told Wanna-be-man-child that he needs to watch his back and always keep his head about him. Of course this did make me pull the reigns in a little tighter and now he has an earlier curfew and his time is limited with these friends......

Other than that...
I'm going to go get my endorsement so I can start riding... I'm ready to hit the open road with vibrations between my legs and the wind in my hair. A few of my other friends are in the process of getting their motorcycle endorsements and that way this summer we can all hit the open road and ride ride ride!!! Woo Hoo!!! I'm really looking forward to that!

Nothing overly exciting on the man front. I'm in blah blah land.. not in the mood for much of anything.... even satisfying myself isn't satisfying.. what the hell is wrong with me?

Well.. on that note.. I'm out...
Peace!

Grammy - Always and Forever

2009-05-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life you are blessed not only to have the unconditional love of your parents.. but to have the unconditional love of a Grandparent.

I was blessed. My Grammy lived with us, she spent the majority of her time with us in our home, with the occasional trips to Minnesota - to spend time with other relatives. I was her baby girl.. not her first grandchild, nor her first Granddaughter.. but.. out of the 4 Grandchildren she was blessed with, I was one of her favorites.

Our home was less than a block away from the elementary school that I attended, Grammy would meet me at the local city bus stop after school - and we would jump on the city bus and head off to our daily ritual. She knew all the bus drivers by name, they all adored her. She was 5'4 - striking red curly hair and maybe 100lbs soaking wet. Full of piss and vinegar. Had the laugh of angels & the tongue of a sailor! She was my everything... I valued her more than my own Mother.

We would ride the bus to the local Woolworth's - where they still had a soda fountain in the store, I was allowed to have some form of sweets, as long as I didn't tell my Mother, while Grammy sat there drank her coffee and had her allocated 2 cigarettes. She always told me, This is a bad nasty habit little one - do not ever do as I do! - I realize now, so many years later, this was Grammy's way of 'hushing' me up...hehehe..she was a sneaky little gal!

Since I had my sweets & Grammy had her bad addictions, she would make us walk the 5 miles home instead of catching the bus home. We were always home in time for dinner, during the day while us kids were at school Grammy would bake some treat for desert. Homemade Blackberry cobbler/pie, Rhubarb/Strawberry pie, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread whatever tickled her fancy during the day. Something.. always.. every night.

As I got older and more independent our time was cut less and less. I got so selfish... Never did I realize that I would loose her so early in life.

By the time I was 12 - the Alzheimer's started to rear it's ugly head. Small bouts of dementia, forgetfulness, my parents were going thru a nasty divorce and little did anyone realize how bad Grammy was getting until we received the call in the middle of the night from the local police department stating they had picked Grammy up for trying to break into another house.

You see, Grammy was getting so bad that I think we were all so caught up in our own misery, we were all being so self-absorbed, not caring about anyone else.
I was starting to experiment with drugs. My Mother was lost in her own misery. Grammy was left to fend for herself.

She was diagnosed shortly there of. Alzheimer's. It's hard as a family to pull together when something so drastic is handed to you. Your hear of other people going thru these issues with in their families, but you honestly think never in your family. Things like that happen to other people. But never you.

There were calls a few times a week from the local police dept, they had Grammy in custody because she had escaped the house, would walk the streets late at night, find a house that she thought looked familiar and would attempt to enter. Luckily.. it was the same house every time, and luckily the police and the homeowners were very understanding. We had to provide the local police dept with decaf-coffee to give to Grammy when they picked her up and they always told us the same thing... She's a delight.. she would sit and talk to all those "fine young men" and flirt and tell her stories. In Grammy's mind.. even though she was in her 80's..she honestly believed in her mind she was in her mid 20's.

Mom had to re-locate for her job to Southern Cali... I decided to stay in Washington because by this time I was 15 - and a full blown drug addict. I stayed behind to live with my Father and Mom and Grammy moved.

Mom and I lost touch over the years, due to me being so strung out and not caring about anyone or anything but myself. I believe I visited my Mother once after she moved. The 2 weeks with my Mother and my Grammy broke my heart. Grammy was in an adult daycare center and home in the evenings, Mom had to literally lock Grammy in the apartment at night, disconnect the stove and remove anything that would harm her.

It got to the point that Grammy had to be placed in a full care facility.
As the years progressed and the disease set in further and further.. her body started shutting down.. she was bed-ridden and gang-green set in... they amputated her left leg before it spread...

I received the phone call from my Mom when I was 17 the Dr's were giving her 72 hrs - if that, her vitals were slowing down.
I drove 12 hrs straight to say my goodbyes...
I walked into that care facility, headed down the long corridors, looking at other patients and thinking how I never want to live like this. All these people that I'm sure have wonderful stories to tell, families somewhere but probably don't get enough visitors...
As I walked those halls, I couldn't stop, I walked right by her room and just kept walking, I could not face her. I was not prepared at all to see how she looked

When I finally gained the courage to walk into her room at the nursing home..My Grammy was not who was laying in that bed, the skeleton of someone else was there, her eyes were vacant, that vibrant perfect red hair was stringy & gray..gone was that twinkle.. that smile.. those words of encouragement.

Who laid there, was someone I didn't know..one look at the women who laid there, and you could tell, this was someone who was wanting to say her goodbyes... but was being forced to live, not on her own will either.

I lifted her frail hand.. kissed her cheek.. and told her I loved her... she turned her face towards me.. and said my name. I cried. Ive heard it said that Alzheimer's patients right before death come back to the present. They know who is around them, they know what is going on. I don't know if that is true. But Grammy knew me.. she hadn't known anyone for many years. My Mom was her sister. My oldest cousin was my Grammy's niece not Granddaughter and when I had visited her years before I was my cousin.

She hung on for the 2 days that I was there. We talked.. like the old days from so many years before. I was 6 yrs old again.. My Grammy was taking me to Woolworth's to the soda fountain for my sweet treat while she had her 2 cigarettes and her cup of coffee....

She remembered me. She knew exactly who I was. I would sit there, tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. She would tell me she loved me and to be a good girl, and she told me that she would always be watching over me.

The day I had to leave... she grabbed my hand and said
"It's time baby.. I love you always and forever"

I drove home that afternoon.... I got the phone call the next morning
Grammy was gone

I named my daughter after her and I honestly believe that Grammy is there.. my daughter has her eyes.. that twinkle... and that piss and vinegar...

She's watching over me
I do hope I have made her proud!

I love you Grammy... Always and Forever

Vibrations!

2009-05-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

The weather in the great Puget Sound was absolutely beautiful this past weekend...
I enjoyed the sun so much that my wee little nose it sun burnt.. What is it about fresh air, sun and the vibrations of a Harley between your legs that makes you so sleepy?

I attended the Port Townsend Rhody Festival this last weekend.. w/some dear friends..nothing like camping near the Puget Sound, bar-b-queuing, sitting around doing shots of Fireball, Slippery Nipples..have a few Rum n Cokes...and hearing the occasional sound of a well tuned bike rev it's engine. Ah... music to the ears!

Makes me realize how much I love the great outdoors, well, when it's not raining anyway, and believe me this part of the region gets plenty of rain so when the sun comes out, people that you didn't even know existed come out of the wood!

This weekend made me realize how much more I would appreciate the summer months if I could ride myself. Don't get me wrong I do love to sit astride a bike, enjoying the ride w/out a care in the world. But, I think I would enjoy it that much more if I was in control of the bars.. cruising the road w/all that power between my legs... oh yeah.. the power what an aphrodisiac!

Yes.. I am ready for the summer to come, I'm ready to enjoy my time... sun...sand..surf.. and Riding free!

Im a little birdie.. free... free...free....

2009-04-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

The talk came after an akward evening where I spent my evening drowning my unhappiness in double rum n cokes w/a lime...

I probably consumed my own bottle or Bacardi, how I do enjoy a good rum!
The text messages started filtering in around 11 or so, to the tune of poor me, whoa is me
so forth and so on.

Im not a cheater... I have never cheated on my significant other.

I was ready to go out and find some random man, and have my way with him.....
just to prove a point!

The messages started flying even quicker... one right after another, they ranged between two emotional sets, Anger & Pity

I came to some realizations that night, standing outside a bar, talking to some strange guy about all the going on's in my home.

Im not happy
Im not attracted to him
I need a MAN! not a whinny ass little boy

So, the talk came finally...
needless to say....
This little birdie..is free... free... FRRREEEEEE!!!!!!

Time for me to call my booty call.. woop woop!!!!

Food for thought.. or is it stuck in my teeth?

2009-04-21T12:15:00.001-07:00

So.. he's here, that long lost love of mine from many many years ago.
Arrived a few months ago, and I can honestly say... I don't like it!

I don't like it one bit.

I miss my freedom, that's what this all boils down to.
I miss my freedom. My freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.

Selfish? Probably
Do I care? Not at the moment

I'm at a loss of what to do. He's an OK guy, but I honestly think it all boils down to me getting this assumption that things would be great, putting so much expectation on what was, what could be and not really thinking the whole big picture through. He gets along with the kids OK. There have been a few rough patches but it's getting better. He gets along great with the dogs, I suppose that's a plus. However, it's been just over 3 months, and still unemployed. I'm starting to feel as if he's just here to live off of me. Yes, I have had this talk with him already, I laid it all out for him. My feelings, my thoughts.... he swears he's not a mooch..all he wants is happiness. But, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the last 3 weeks, and it's slowly getting worse.

What do I do now? He has nowhere to go, no job, no friends, no money. Nothing.. Did I lead him on? Did I make promises that I need to keep? Should I buy him a one way ticket back to where he came from?

It boils down to me. Again, selfish... but I lived in misery once already, for many many years. Hell was my back door and the happiness part of my life at that point was far far away. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy to be alone. I reached that point and started dating again. But I still had my freedom. I'm not me anymore. It's only been a few short months.. and I'm not me. And that worries me.

How can someone love you 20 yrs later. They have no clue who you are. What you have become. Thoughts, beliefs, opinions, out look on life, wants, desires. Do I even care about him? I get frustrated more than anything. Frustrated at comments, how he thinks, and OMG.. the sex... the sex is unsatisfying... I find myself faking it more than anything... what's the point?

What is the point?

Maybe it's just time.. to say goodbye.. and see ya.. cuz I cant do this..
why live my life unhappy?
It's my life after all.... Ive given up so much, and have come so far, so it wouldn't be worth it to accomplish all that I have accomplished.. to just bring me back down again.

No Money for the Masses

2009-04-08T10:36:00.001-07:00

Cats are always so dramatic!

I miss the 80's

2009-03-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

How the hell did my father deal with me as a teenager?

How the hell do I deal with my kids now that they are teenagers?

I didnt have a cell phone when I was 15 or 12...
I didnt have the internet either..
I rode around in the back of pick up's
I drank water out of the hose
I played hide n seek way past dark
Remember when:

Atari was the thing...
Rubiks cube..
Big hair...
Leg warmers (what I wouldnt give for leg warmers again..Im cold damn it)
Fraggle Rock?
Ripped jeans w/spandex underneath...
OMG... Jelly shoes!!!
Friendship braclets...
Hair bands...
Flashdance....Breakfast Club.... Sixteen candles?
Rode in cars w/out seatbelts

Here's a poem I found... it actually pertains to other years.. but.. I miss the 80's...

TO ALL OF US WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70'S and 80'S!!

Ø First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

Ø They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Ø Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
Ø We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

Ø As infants & children, we would rode in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Ø Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Ø We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Ø We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

Ø We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
Ø We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
Ø We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few
times, we learned to solve the problem.
Ø We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no person al computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
Ø We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
Ø We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Ø We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
Ø We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Ø Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Ø The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Things need to go back in time..
I miss the good ol' days...

What do you miss/remember?

Oh.. Drama.. Puhleez!!!

2009-03-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm the youngest of three - I have two older brothers, Choo & Burnt (names are changed to protect the identities of others)

Choo is the oldest brother - he's got his head on straight, married to Weenie (its a girl) and she's actually one of my best friends... how often do you get to say that? That your sister n law is a good friend!? I personally believe that makes me very lucky.

Now.. Burnt... he's the middle child - Mr. Perfection Personified.. Mr. Do No Wrong!
He's my current nightmare.... Burnt has many children... claims to be a christian... and did I mention he thinks he perfect? I don't believe in his parenting style, which everyone has their own way to parent, I get that. Use the rod, don't spare the child kind of thought process...If I'm saying that right.

Anyhow.. Burnts oldest - Fryer Tuck - just turned 20 - and he is about as worthless as boobs on a nun..... Fryer Tuck was home schooled and was the gopher child, go for that, go get me this, you understand? He was the red-headed step child I suppose you could call it, not the current wife's son... but the son from a teenage evening where two hormonal teenagers had to much fun... Burnt always liked to tell Fryer Tuck he was the crash test dummy child.. I think that took a toll on Fryer Tuck.. cuz now - he's living in a motor home with his underage slut puppy girlfriend - he drives this motor home around town and parks it where ever - I guess we all should be happy at the fact that he at least has a roof over his head and is semi-warm during these cold evenings were having.... I'm off subject...

Anyhow.. Fryer Tuck got busted a few months ago for intent to deliver to an undercover officer.... can u say dumb ass! Fryer Tuck went to jail, and Burnt decided that he should step up and be a Daddy now - and instead of making Fryer Tuck deal w/his own irresponsible life choices, Daddy Dearest is making all the decisions.... Fryer Tuck decided that he wanted the drama off of him for awhile - so, he decided to start some shit between me and Burnt, by dragging my oldest, Monkey Boy, into the mix.

Fryer Tuck informed Burnt that he saw a video on you tube of my son smoking pot... which I know for a fact Monkey Boy isn't - long story... I just know! Anyhow.. here's my question to you...
If your child told you that he saw this video concerning your nephew wouldn't you call your sibling to inform them of this?

Well not in my family!
Burnt told Choo - Choo told Weenie - Weenie called me...
Now Burnt says that if Monkey Boy ever wants to come to his house again, he needs to take a piss test and pass it before he will allow him to hang out with his other children...
Amazing.. considering that Fryer Tuck is strung out on meth & Oxycontin and so is the slut puppy he's dating and they are there all the time - but that's different, as that's his son... not his nephew...

So.. Ive washed my hands of my Burnt..... I told his wife - (whom I like) that as far as I'm concerned - Burnt is no more - he's a hypocritical bastard - and those that live in glass houses should not throw stones...

Talking to Monkey Boy about all of this, and Ive learned over the years to tell when my son lies to me...he was saddened about how his uncle feels about him. I asked him if he had ever smoked pot, and he said no.. and yes, I do believe him... why? Because remember I was a strung out mess for many many years.. I know the signs.. I know my son isn't on drugs... and I know he hasn't tried them (yes I had him tested not long ago by his Dr)
I was strung out on meth for 4 yrs back in high school.. I smoked pot everyday for many years w/monkey boys father - before monkey boy came along... I know the signs.. and I know that Monkey Boy is clean...

Besides - he told me that his friends offered him some not long ago.... Monkey Boy said no thanks.. when his friends asked him if he was scared.. he said
"Guys.. have you met my Mother? She's a fucking Ogre.. she scares the shit out of me!"

I'm OK with that.. a little fear of your parent is healthy..
Don't you agree?

Axes to Axes... somethings gotta give

2009-02-26T16:34:00.000-08:00

I am almost afraid to write this post. I'm afraid that by putting this into words, something awful will happen and all that I have to say will come not true. Is that possible? Is Karma such a bitch that she may just turn it all around on me?

Well here it is anyway.

This last week has been pure heaven.
There have been no arguments in my home.
My children are getting along with everyone
They are doing their chores WITHOUT being asked
They are doing their homework WITHOUT being asked
They are actually a joy to be around.
They are even getting along with "him"
He is getting along with them

Oh and "him"
I don't know how to explain it.. but things are good there
not perfect, but honestly is there such thing as perfection in a relationship?
I don't believe so, right now the only huge issue is the economy and the fact that he's out of work.
Yeah, that's putting a huge strain on us.. but.. damn he's keeping everything at home in total order.. doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting, applying for jobs all day, cooking dinner... hell.. he makes a better house bitch than I EVER would.. sorry..don't tell him I said that.. :)

Did the earth tip on it's axes?
Is Karma playing a cruel joke on me?
Global warming kick into overdrive and started melting everyone's ice around their hearts?

What?
Whatever it is.. can it please last..
for another 6 yrs at least?
I'm not asking for much.. just 6 more years... OK OK... 10.. then they will both be in their 20's.. and someone else's' problem....

pleeeeeeezzzzzeeeeeee???????

Tidal waves

2009-02-19T09:10:00.001-08:00

I have always been in control of my feelings, how I feel about people, about situations that surround me. I never second guess my decisions I always put great thought into what I'm going to do, why I'm going to do it. If I should go to this place or that place with these people or those people.

Yet, here I sit... with so much inner turmoil rolling around inside of me. I can feel the confusion swirling like a great tidal wave ready to crash upon unsuspecting organs. Which in turn will ware down the body and I will go into full blow illness. I need to control my tidal wave but I don't know how. Between the bleakness, confusion, uncertainty & anger I feel that at any point I will snap.

Did I make the right decision by allowing the past to move in? Or was I just caught up in what was and didn't put any thought into the now and the what will be.

I miss him... I never realized how much I would miss him. The scent of his skin, the feel of his arms, the sound of his voice.
My heart actually aches to think of him in the arms of someone else, and yet it is I who turned him away. Because I thought there never would be a time when there would be anything more than what was....and now? I don't want what is... I want what was.

I never fully allowed myself to feel for him. I never allowed myself to think of him as more than just the "friends" that we were. For 6 years we have been nothing more than just "friends" I knew that he would never give to me what I ultimately wanted. Yet, here I am... living with the past and missing the present.

All the lost chances, the quiet moments where things were never spoken. No confessions, no wants, no desires. Just laying there in the after glow thoughts and feelings running through the mind. Little things done that would make me think that maybe... but then it was gone.
Now... Now I sit and think to myself, why? Why didn't I push further? Question more? Demand more? Ask the questions.
He made me feel beautiful, wanted, desired.... made me feel like a women should feel.

Things were said, little actions were taken... I played it to "cool"... kept it all so close to my heart never allowing truths to be told.
Have I lost?

The confusion just keeps swirling and swirling around inside me.
At some point I need to make a decision for myself.
But, what is that decision?
Either way someone will get hurt. Someone will loose, and it's all in my hands.
Or is it? Am I putting something into that 6 yrs that really isn't there?

If I end what is now.... can he promise me forever?

House full of flu victims

2009-02-18T08:59:00.001-08:00

The flu is running rampant through my house

He has it...
The girl child has it....
The boy child is starting to show signs of it....

I refuse to get it!!!!!

Wish me luck

Nosy Nelly

2009-02-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

I'm nosy, so nosy in fact that when I'm driving at night and I see homes with lights on in their windows and the TVs are on, I want to pull over and peek through their windows. Not to scope out their homes, but I just want to see how others conduct themselves. How do they live?

Do they curl up on their couches w/a blankie and a drink and watch TV? While their children snuggle in with them and have some cuddle time?
Are the parents in one room while the kids are somewhere else?
Are they living life like Leave it to Beaver? The youngest laying on the floor coloring while the parents drink their coffee from their matching recliners?

What is actually going on in those homes?
Is it complete chaos? Is dad sitting there while mom is up cornering children, dealing w/homework, doing laundry, cleanup up the dinner dishes, getting kids' baths done.. all the while dad is yelling for some quiet...
Is it a home of a single parent?

Inquiring minds want to know.. I want to know.. because I'm nosy.. I want to know how others live.. how they cope, how they survive... are they like me? (God I hope not this world would be doomed)

New thought:
I hate large groups of people..they can royally piss me off, however I love to go to the mall on Saturday afternoons, grab my favorite cup of coffee and have a seat and watch people. Think to myself, how could that person actually think they look good? Seriously, that's a bad hair cut!

So on and so on and so on... watching peoples reactions to situations, wondering what possessed them to put those clothes together, or wear their makeup like that, or get their hair cut like that... what made them decide to get up that morning and do what they do... ( I realize others probably look at me and think the same thing.. but I'm perfectly sane thank you)

So anyhow... I installed some map locator on my blog... cuz I'm nosy....
it shows that I have had allot of visits between Oct 14 2008 & Feb 4 2009

USA - 354
Brazil - 71
Canada - 24
Australia - 12
United Kingdom - 6
France - 2
Belgium - 2
Mexico - 2
Argentina - 2
Germany - 1
Austria - 1
South Africa - 1
Malaysia - 1
Netherlands - 1
Ireland - 1
El Salvador - 1
Philippines - 1
Puerto Rico - 1
Bahamas - 1
Senegal - 1
Portugal - 1
India - 1

I'm sure all the single visits were done in error... but hey.. I never realized my sad little blog got that far.. so does this mean I get around? LOL....

so yes..I'm nosy.. so feel free to share anything that you may feel I would benefit from. Cuz well I'm nosy. And my life has been such a hellish ride that I need something that is totally and completely idiotic right now.

Welcome all of you, and those that have stopped by in error... grab a seat, your favorite beverage, sometimes the communications on this blog will make you laugh, or just shake your head, if that's the case feel free to hit that X in the top right corner.

Peace lovies!!!

The walls of hell are HOT!

2009-02-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I took back my house.. and had a week of purgatory.. I can honestly say that when I die and go to hell... I will feel like I'm on a paradise island.. because nothing can compare to the over reactions of a 12 yr old hormonal preteen girl......
I'm tired... oh lord help me, I'm exhausted.

But I'm happy to say the last few days have been easy. Sure there have been a few small bumps a few raised voices but all in all things have turned around and the spawn of satan has been kicked to the curb.

I just wish she would take lessons from her brother who is just happy there is another male in the house and he's no longer out numbered! My new man and the boy child get along as well as can be expected. They joke around together, they wrestle, they talk, they watch discovery channel together. I was afraid that the boy child would feel threatened but he seems to be taking it all really well.

Me on the other hand, Im still trying to decide if Im relationship material. It's a learning experience for me that's for sure. It's alot of work to live with someone, I had forgotten how much work it was. Compromise, communication, remembering someone else's feelings.

All will work out Im sure. He's having a hard time finding employment right now, and his cash flow is starting to run out and Im afraid some kind of depression is going to kick in. Then what? I cant deal with that. He started getting all teary eyed the other day cuz he was having difficulty finding employment... my response to him was to suck it up, were in the middle of a damn recession!
Rude huh?
Im a bitch...
Im not good with others feelings....
Im not good relationship material......

Oh well!
That is me. deal!

Nightmares...do come true

2009-01-26T14:52:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were a kid, and you made that mistake of walking into your parents bedroom, just as they were getting it on?
Remember how grossed out and disgusted you were?
Traumatized for life?

Well, my daughter walked in on me and my S.O. last night.. the difference is, my bedroom door was shut and locked, and my little girl broke the lock on the door and walked right in. Then proceeded to yell, scream, and throw a temper tantrum on how sick and disgusted we are, she hates me, I'm suppose to wait until she is grown and out of the house before I proceed with my life!

Long story short...
Remember me telling ya'll earlier on, how my long lost love from my teen years looked me up on myspace? We struck up a convo...and 3 months later.. he's moved in. (yes I know.. way soon... )
So far so good.. things are working out really well....
Except for my beautiful baby girl...has turned into the spawn of the devil!

She's doing, saying, reacting, lying, stealing whatever you can think of to rip it all apart.
Who is she? Ive tried talking to her, Ive tried to understand her, Ive even given in to her demands to make peace in the house. I have become the biggest push over in the history of Mommy hood!

But I'm here to tell everyone..right here, right now
NO MORE!

She will no longer act like she is the parent in MY house
She will no longer dictate to me what is going to happen and how it is going to be
She will no longer undermine my ever word and my every action

My biggest nightmare, of having a teenage child who is beyond control has come true...

I just want to lay down and sleep and wish this nightmare away
I know that I cant allow her to continue down this destructive path
I must take back control of my house

Hell...she already tells me she hates me..
what else can go wrong?

Greetings from Whoville

2009-01-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

A new year, a new beginning... out with the old in with the new and hoping everything in my path turns to gold... which wont happen, but its a nice dream.

Christmas, was nothing to write home about... I didn't put up a tree this year... I didn't even decorate, my daughter did.. I was NOT in the Holiday spirit... I won a poinsettia from work. it was huge.. I brought it home and that was our "tree" LOL...

I did make a nice big Christmas dinner... got a few gifts for the kids.. made a deal with both kids and the boy wrapped his sisters and the girl wrapped her brothers.. then I filled their stockings and hung them by the fireplace with care.. well not really..I set them under the "tree" cuz they were to heavy to hang.. but whatever...another day... another dollar....

We got hit with some ridiculous amounts of snow this year over the Holiday... worse the Pacific Northwest has seen in about 30 yrs... the snow in my back yard was up to my knee in some areas... I was snowed in.... couldn't get anywhere for days... it was crazy!!! Now, it's raining.. it's all melting and lucky us, were on flood warnings..

The New Year was brought in w/family at the casino.... I drank... I ate..and ate...and ate.....and was home by 11:30..I'm such a party animal.. About 12:30 I was getting ready for bed.. and got a hysterical phone call from a good friend...
Her hubby plowed his truck into the front of another car...
I made it from my house to her house in just under 7 minutes.. it's normally a 15 min drive.. the accident was not even 100 ft from her front door...
Luckily no one was hurt... everyone walked away... it's the hubby's fault..
he blew almost a 2...
They have a long road ahead of them...

Note to self.. Never drink and drive.. not only is it expensive (as I would say there looking at aleast 10k)
stay home... have some drinks.. if you go out, call a taxi.. call a friend..call your Mom..
Never.. NEVER get behind the wheel of that car.. no reason to drive.. NONE!!!

Happy New Year Everyone...

Dog Rescue!!!

2008-12-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

I dont normally do this.. but I was involved in this rescue... the trip into Langley BC was exhausting.. not to mention the control on my anger strings was near to breaking.. it took everything I had not to hurt someone badly, for the way these dogs were treated. I am a member of PNMF - Pacific Northwest Mastiff Fanciers... I help educate, rescue & breed English Mastiffs... Any help would be appreciated.. $5 can go a long long way..
(there is SO much more to this story.. the ordeal that the Breeder and I went thru was horrific! And yet I would NOT hesitate to do it again)

Thursday night one of our club members received a call from someone that they had placed 2 puppies with. (One was placed at 8 weeks, Finnegan, and one was placed as an older puppy, Tony.) This was someone that already had a Mastiff, Loki, from a different breeder…a breeder back east. These breeders both felt that this was a good home or they would never have placed their puppies there.
The oldest, Loki, is almost 4yrs old and the other two, Finny and Tony, are almost 3yrs old. About 8 months ago this puppy buyer lost contact with their breeders. There was concern of drug addiction and other problems in this home at this point. Jumping ahead to very late last Thursday night…the local breeder, one of our club members, received a phone call from this puppy buyer. She was very distraught. 2 of the dogs, Finny and Loki, were currently at the animal shelter. She was no longer living at the home where the dogs had been living. 1 of the dogs, Tony, was at the home of her son’s friend. The other 2 had somehow gotten out of the yard and been picked up by animal control. She was living in an apartment and didn’t have the money to ‘bail them out’.

Without hesitation…our club member said, “No problem…she would get the boys taken care of.” (Both her puppy as well as the one from back east.)Friday morning she, the breeder, waited for the puppy buyer to get back with her to let her know exactly where the dogs were, etc. She also set the wheels in motion to get the other breeder notified and make arrangements for travel to the shelter. Did I mention that this was a shelter in CANADA??

Of course it happened when her SUV was in the shop, too! Now, because of the situation with drugs, etc…she did not feel comfortable going in to this situation by herself. Who was she going to get on such short notice that was able to go to Canada with her?? Her husband was not able to go as he couldn’t find his Birth Certificate. Oh, yeah…has anyone picked up that this was the holiday weekend?? The Thursday mentioned above…yes…that was Thanksgiving!!The other breeder was contacted and she agreed…GET THOSE DOGS OUT OF THERE!!

A friend and new Mastiff owner, that had just made a long round trip drive from Olympia down into Oregon, did not hesitate to go with her to Canada. Yes, she had family over but at a moment’s notice was able to leave the family and kids in the hands of more family and fellow Mastiff owner. Again, no hesitation.

So, with the money set aside for Christmas shopping for her family in hand…these two ladies left late Friday night and drove to Canada, had a couple of fit-full hour of sleep at a hotel, just so that they could track down the puppy buyer and be at the shelter when it opened. After finding the puppy buyer’s apartment they had to pound on her door to get her to answer. And while they probably should not have been…they were shocked by her appearance. This was not the person that the breeder had seen just a year or so before. The drug use had taken it’s toll on her! What else had the drugs affected?? They were about to find out.

The arrival at the shelter was bitter sweet. It was apparent that the dogs were in very serious condition…both physically and mentally. And the worst was yet to come. The following hours were spent fighting for the right to claim these dogs. Contracts, AKC registration papers, Microchips…well, let’s just say that it wasn’t that simple to “prove” ownership. The dogs were in absolutely horrible condition. The shelter had listed Finny as being 6yrs old and Loki as being 7 or 8 yrs old. Not the 3yrs and 4yrs they really were! Finny had gone very grey from his ordeal. Both are suffering from severe malnutrition. Finny was the only one fed at his "home" the son stated he was unable to feed both dogs, so he intentionally starved Loki to feed his "buddy" Finny...

Loki has 2 cruciate injuries (knees). Finny has atrophied muscles in his rear and weakness to the bones, tendons and ligaments due to the malnutrition. And both had many underlying problems such as dehydration, possible UTI’s, etc. And yet both dogs were sooooo happy to see their ‘saviors’!! Loki was listed as aggressive and yet he crawled into our laps and licked our faces and wagged his tail... Loki was released fairly easily because no one wanted him. Can you believe this??

Finny, the dog from our breeder…well, she had to fight for him as the son (who had allowed the starvation and mistreatment of the dogs) wanted him and ownership had to be proven. After many heart wrenching hours and international phone calls…at the very last second…literally (the son had paid the fine and they were bringing the dog out to him) the last second…through the intervention of a very dear lady, who is an attorney…Finny was released to his breeder.

Both dogs had to get rabies vaccinations before they could be brought into the country. More money and more time. More in and out of the vehicle for these poor dogs…and Loki could barely stand!Our breeder and her friend had not eaten since they crossed the border the night before. They didn’t have time! All their time and energy was given to rescuing these poor dogs. After the dogs were safely in the car and they were safely across the border, they did stop for a quick bite to eat…this was late Saturday night.

These girls didn’t get to their perspective homes until around midnight. At that time, our breeder still had to care for the two boys and get them settled in. Her youngest daughter was in tears and didn’t understand how anyone could possibly do this to an animal! Her entire family shaken to the core that one of their babies and his friend were in such a condition…and full of worry for the one not yet saved. So, now these two dogs are safe.

However, there are still many concerns. Loki really needs to get back to his breeder. She is equipped to give him the care that he will need to recover from this ordeal. Both medically and physically. Today we were told that he COULD fly by next week! This is the fastest and best way to get him home. (Back to Alabama to his breeder who wants him back to get him the care he so rightly deserves)

Finny needs a lot of medical care, rehabilitation, etc so that he can go to a forever home that will allow him to live the life he should have had all along! And then there is the one left behind, Tony. Work is in progress to get him home, too!

But, this could be expensive and time consuming.This plea is going out to all of you. We are looking for all the help we can get to help out with these 3 boys. This is a terrible time for everyone…budgets are stretched to the breaking point. We know and we understand. Whatever you can do to help these dogs will be much appreciated!

Shortly there will be a link available from the Pacific Northwest Mastiff Fanciers website (www.pnmf.org) that will take you to a page for the Finny, Loki & Tony fund. Pictures will be posted of the boys when they are available. There will be the availability to donate probably via PayPal or an address to send donations to if you do not do PayPal. On this page you will also be able to find contact information if you are able to help with miles or even if you just have other ideas and ways to help! Our first goal is raising the money to get Loki home within the next 2 weeks. After that will come the medical bills, legal aid, etc. Let’s all pull together to get these boys “Home for the Holidays!” (Any money left over will go to PNMF Education and Rescue, LLC.)Remember…this could be any one of your puppies!!

Drugs can take control of any home at any time. And how many lives are affected by just one person’s drug usage? So, go hug your babies and spread the word!! Regardless of the four legged friend you have in your home.. love them.. (PLEASE…SPREAD THE WORD!!) Let’s see what we can do to help these boys out. I know that if the shoe were on the other foot…these breeders would be there to help us. And as a side note…neither one of these breeders have ASKED for this help!!Permission is given to cross post this!! Until the page is available from the PNMF Website any questions can be directed to mastiffinfo@fairpoint.net.

Sad but True

2008-11-19T15:26:00.000-08:00

I'm still in love with him... Him...the one who has been resurrected..... is it because that first true love never really goes away?
Is it because he is telling me all that I want to hear?
Is it because it's just something that has presented itself to me out of the blue and seems like it would be fun to re-acquaint myself with?
Or is it because I'm stupid and in denial?

At times he sounds like a well written Hallmark card... telling me that he has missed me like the deserts miss the rain.. that his soul cry's out for my touch, his soul longs for the touch of mine, his heart longs for the passion of my kiss & the twinkle in his eyes are as bright as the sun... he loves me.. that he's never stopped loving me, I have been in his thoughts every day for 15 yrs...little things remind him of me daily.. and so on and so forth.
I'm falling for him all over again, because Ive always longed to hear someone speak to me like that? Because I have always wanted to be truly romanced or am I falling for him because it's an old/familiar?

He's there..
I'm here..
we have not been in each others' presence.. we have not looked into each others eyes.. we have spoken on the phone.. we have emailed.. we have text.. but, can one truly care that much after so many years.. can two people commit to each other based entirely off of words that have been written, spoken to one another over a phone wire and yet not face to face?

You have mail!......

2008-11-10T14:47:00.000-08:00

I recieved an email last week from the dead. I was suprised to say the least, as I was unaware that hell had email service. Let alone that it would pass thru the other realms to actually show in my Myspace inbox. But I suppose I shouldnt of been surprised, I mean, the devil has ways of bringing back old memories, long forgotten and buried deep.

He's been dead for 14 years... I put him to rest once.. to find out he's still alive. Granted, someone told me he was still alive. But I kept him dead in my mind. It was easier to let him lay there. Dormant in my memories, to never resurface, never to bring back all those long forgotten days & nights.

I spoke to the dead last night.
I dreamt of the dead last night.
Long forgotten memories surfaced, clouded my memory.
Feelings left dormant brought to boiling now.

It's hard to forget your first.
Your first kiss
Your first experience
Your first love

How do I put him back where he belongs? Gone.. Forever?
I cut ties with that life. It no longer exist's.
Yet, I miss him....
It's been 20 years....
It's been 15 since I held him last.
Kissed those lips
Heared him say he Loved Me

How can it be, hearing a voice can bring back so many painful memories?
And yet, they arnt so painful.
Not painful to bring about hate
But painful to the point of making one's heart hurt, from the sheer force of the love that once was.
The love that is no more.. will never be more...
He was gone... never to be again.

To hear a voice over a phone wire... to talk to him and hear him say he has very fond memories
of the 3 yrs we spent together, to hear him speak as if it ment something.
To hear the sarrow in his voice now, about wasted time gone bye.
To hear that, brought about memories, feelings and a complete sense of unease to my soul.

I need him to be dead to me again.
How do I bury him again within my heart?

HNT & other Bullshit

2008-11-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

I normally don't play HNT.. mainly because I just don't feel good enough about myself to do so.. but today I figured fuck it..why not.. seriously why not? so..yeah.. it's not much..but it's something..

Life is not going according to plan at the moment.. nothing seems to be panning out the way I was intending it to. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better, it will turn around. Ive been thru much worse and all will be ok.

My son got into a bit of trouble at school the other day. He got so pissed at some little shit at school that my son almost beat his ass, but at the last minute he changed his mind and took his anger out on a glass door.. which shattered.. lovely!

Once I found out what the complete circumstances were, I clld the principal and had a nice little chat with her... here's the breakdown

This little prick at school has been giving my son grief for a few weeks.. I was unaware of this, the kid has been calling my son a fag and gay wad, telling other kids in the P.E. class not to bend over or Monkey Boy (my son) was gonna fuck them in their asses. Now, my son isn't gay..but if he was I would love him regardless... Monkey Boy had had enough.. said some things to this little prick, who in turn ripped off my son's hat, shoved it down his pants rubbed it all over his junk and then smacked my son in the face with it saying.. that's as close to my ball's as you will ever get!

Monkey boy was gonna kick his ass, but decided against it because this other kid is an exchange student from Honduras and Monkey Boy just felt that it would end up turning into a race issue.

I clld the principal and basically told her that Monkey Boy was provoked & that Prick kid was sexually harassing & bullying my son! I would not tolerate it, and if this wasn't dealt with in a timely matter I would take it straight to the Superintendent along w/my lawyer! Lord was I H.O.T!

Monkey Boy begged me and begged me not to march into the school and slam that little Prick up against a wall! As I told the principal, regardless of the sexual orientation of someone, NO ONE should be subjected to that type of behaviour. I was most impressed, after speaking with her, there was resolution w/in 2 hrs... We are not being held liable for the damaged door. The other child has been severally punished.. and that little Prick had the nerve to ask Monkey Boy why he told! He was just "funning" and trying to fit... MB told him that he needed to stop being a prick and to act his age!

Anyhow... Booga Butt.. is hormonal.. OMG.. there I days I cant stand to be around her, and then there are days that she is the sweetest, kindest, most caring child..but sadly most days, I just look at her and wonder what did I do to deserve this type of torture. She did however take first place in her cheer competition.. well her squad anyhow.. that was awesome!!

I have been overly emotional lately... watching President Elect Obama be elected was something. Words cant describe how much joy filled me... and then wondering, I bet a ton of past presidents are rolling over in their graves at the fact that there is an African American in office... LOL..

I really do believe he will do great things for this country..

As for the beneficial friend and I...nothing has been decided. He wants to meet the kids.. my daughter has flat out forbidden me to date.. she just wants our lives to be the 3 of us, no "intruders" as she puts it. That I should just be happy w/her & Monkey Boy... Ive tried and tried and tried to talk to her about it. But she wont listen, I explained everything to beneficial friend.. he's not worried about it, he said sooner or later she will accept him.

We still need to talk.. seriously sit down and talk about a few things, but the timing is never right. We were suppose to get together Friday night and talk, but at the last minute I ended up going out w/friends. Which he wasn't happy about, he did show up, but he brought his best friend with him. Who is female.. he wanted us to meet. He sat in the car as he refused to come into the bar, and she sat there and texted him the whole time telling him what I was doing. I guess he got a little jealous. I'm a flirt.. its who I am..he knows this.. but he got upset at the fact that guys were buying me drinks and dancing with me. Whatever! I don't sleep around.. I flirt.. and with his "lifestyle" choices..what right does he have to be jealous over me?

anyhow..

ok.. that's all I got.. see.. nothing..

Ass-sphincter says what?

2008-10-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

So the day has finally arrived.. where Mr. Beneficial friend has put the question out there.
"Do you want to try to see if this is more than it really is?"

Ive been expecting it, after all, awhile ago he told me he had fallen in love with me.
I blew it off... figured it was just a bunch of bull, and didnt pay much attention to it.
He countered it with a "what do u want from me"
I countered it with telling him I wanted the white picket fence, and the happy ever after...
not expecting him to say "ok"
I already have the 2 kids, I dont want that part of the dream.

So, today..he wants to make it more.
Here's my dilemma...
He's a swinger.. meaning, he likes alot of variety in life.. not men.. but partner swaps...
Im a one guy...one girl kind of girl when Im in a relationship...
I honestly dont think I could handle watching, or knowing he was with another women. I honestly believe that would drive me insane. Yet, he likes to watch me with other men... (mind you, we've only done that once but he wants to do it again)

So.. that brings up the question..how do I actually feel about him?
I like him.. weve been "seeing" each other for almost 5 yrs..
yes, there's been a few in between here and there..
but, we always find our way back to each other.
I care about him, I may love him a little bit.. but.. could I trust him?
I dont know..
I dont know if I could or would trust him.
My problem is, I dont trust men.. I havnt for many many years.. trust me, Ive tried, oh lord have I tried.. I just dont know if I have it in me anymore.

He says he's not like that anymore.. that he doesnt need that type of lifestyle.. that it rarely happens.. and he can turn it down..

What it boils down to.. is me..
Im terrified of getting hurt again..
Can I trust him? Do I trust him?
Once a swinger/player.. always a swinger/player?

So.. what's your thoughts blog world? help me... cuz Im completely and totally confused here!

Friends in high places.....

2008-10-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been a whirlwind of on going action and drama.

My birthday....
My babies birthday...
My Sons first formal dance....

Crazy times.. Crazy adventures.. just crazy.....

Funny Monkey (my son) had his pride and joy stolen late Friday night early Saturday morning.
A $400 Fit/Pro or something.. anyhow... called the police to file a report, Officer Friendly would not file a report w/out the serial number. Whatever... seriously? Stolen items are stolen items...

It was suggested that I contact the schools security officer to see if maybe he would be able to obtain some information. I will give huge kudos here...because the security office went above and beyond his requirements to obtain names, addresses, and car information! Come to find out the kids that supposedly stole Funny Monkey's bike don't even attend school with him, they attend school on the other side of town.

I called Officer Friendly back.. who of course isn't in today... please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible! Yeah? ASAP? No.. I got transferred to one to many departments before I finally had a fit and left a not so nice message on someones voice mail.

So.. I received a call back.. almost immediately.. imagine that..
and what do I hear? A blast from my past!!!!
Deputy H...
As in.. my brothers best friend from high school!!!
Oh yeah... things are looking up for me!!

Long story short, He didn't understand why Officer Friendly wouldn't file a report a stolen bike.. is a stolen bike.. end of story...
As I type this, an officer is headed out to the school to talk to some hoodlums... and I have a case number in my hand..and if all works out well..
Funny Monkey will have his Pro Fit or Fit Pro or whatever back in his hot little hands soon.

Now.. do I press charges on these little shits?
(oooooh... and my son had his IPod stolen a month or so ago out of his gym locker... guess what was returned today at school? yep.. the IPod... some parents were snooping thru their daughters room and found it.. it was given to her by her boyfriend.. they returned it to the school... hmmm.. me thinks that the two will not be allowed to associate much with each other anymore...)

So, it is good to have friends in places of authority....

I so could be a cop.. then again... I don't have the calmness to be a cop...
I'm more of a..attack now, ask questions later...not a good combo!!!

To much time on my hands..

2008-10-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

To much time on our hands at work.......

Where's my cake Damnit??!!

2008-10-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Today is the official start of my downslide to 40.

The girls at work love me.. I love them...
I had Almond Joy's all over my desk.. there my favorite!!!!
And a nice big beautiful cake was baked for me..
and I got a box of Honey Bunches of Oats.. LOL.. cuz I eat it every morning
for breakfast..

My daughter decorated the house after I went to bed...

Well... we all went to bed, then all the sudden she jumps up and run's into my room and says..
OMG Mom, I forgot to clean the kitchen!!!
Yeah, Like Im gonna believe that she's all worried and stuff about the kitchen being dirty! HA!

My house looked like a streamer/crepe paper factory threw up.... but it was cute and thoughtful and I love her...

so, yeah, Im officially over the hump.... downsliding to 40....
the big

3 6!

Lets hope that this year brings some much needed.......something!!!!

Hazy Memories

2008-09-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in a foggy haze, I dreamt last night, which isn't all that interesting usually but I dreamt of days gone bye, and long ago times.

When my only worries were the simple things in life. Where my next fix was coming from. Who was I going to get to buy that bottle of 20/20 for me. Where was I going to lay my head down that night.

I dreamt of walking thru a train tunnel, walking from the sunshine into complete darkness.
I dreamt of walking along the train edge. Only it wasn't a dream. It was real. I was there. And I lived it.

It was 1989 - the year the big San Francisco earthquake happened. My mom was living in San Fran at the time. I remember walking that train tunnel, hearing the train whistle coming. And thinking to myself.... maybe the train will just take me... maybe the train will smash me into little pieces and I wont have to feel anymore.

But, I wasn't that lucky.. or maybe I was that lucky...
Jim grabbed me as that train came barrelling down upon us.. he grabbed my hand and yanked me back out of the way. He smashed me up against a wall and covered me with his body. I felt the air fly by me. All I needed to do was reach out my hand and I could of touched that train. I remember thinking to myself how that train was a force to be reckoned with. I remember thinking... there goes my chance.

But what was my chance that I was thinking about? I had a death wish that year. I tried so many times to just walk into a train, walk into a lake fully clothed hoping that the weight of my clothing would drag me down. In taking so many chemicals into my body hoping that I would go to sleep and never wake up. But amazingly enough.. nothing I did to my body or attempted to do ever did the trick. I'm assuming it's because of those higher powers that be. Someone was watching out for me. Someone wanted me alive. But Why?

After the train incident, I graced my Father with my presence. I returned home, flying higher than I had ever been flying before. I think my father was both relieved to see me still alive, and disgusted that I was who I was. I remember it was a sunny day, the birds were singing, dogs were running and playing.. life for most was normal.

The earthquake happened. No one was home when I found out. In my drug induced state I wasn't really sure what took place. My neighbor came over to see how I was, he knew that my Mother resided there. I remember just looking at him, not comprehending what he was talking about. He turned on the television.. as I watched in horror the mass destruction that had or was taking place. Still so much of it is hazy in my memory. So much of what happened is just like a faint memory.

I remember it started out innocently.. him comforting me, I kept trying to call my Mother. I was shaking... he was trying to calm me. Rubbing my back, trying to hug me as we were sitting side by side on the couch, looking at troubling images flash on the screen. Then, he started kissing my neck. I still didn't realize what was taking place. I was in a haze - drug induced haze.

His hands were everywhere it seemed. He pushed me onto my back. He tried to take liberties that I was NOT willing to allow. I remember his hand sneaking up my shirt, his other hand rubbing down my side to my thigh and inching it's way to other areas. As if in a dream sequence, I turned my head, and I recall telling him. If he didn't remove his hands and himself, I would kill him.

There was a heated argument between he and I... I remember the agitation.. I remember my heart rate speeding up. I remember opening the front door, and demanding for him to leave. I remember telling him to never look my way again and to never utter another word to me.

I woke up this morning in a haze.
I still feel like I'm in a haze.
That dream was so life like, so real.
Then again, it was a dream.. it was real...
My mother was fine.. thank God...
She was there, but here apartment wasn't demolished and her and her roommate
lived to talk about it. It actually took 3 days to get ahold of her.

A very long 3 days!

Did I relive it?

Moving on

2008-09-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

It may be time to shut down my blog....

I dont think there's anyone out here anymore..

No one is reading it.. and if you are, then your just lurking in the backgrounds..

Writing is a great release for me, Im not articulate, I dont write like the great novelist's of our century. But I do what I gotta do, to make myself feel better.

Yet, it would be nice to know that someone out there is reading me.

People need validation, and right now.. Im not getting any!

Ok..Im a needy bitch I'll admit it.

So.. if your lurking out there, reading this, just passing thru.

Let me know..

Even if it is just to drop a
"your a dumb ass" in my comments..
that works for me

Rainy Days

2008-09-19T12:49:00.001-07:00

Upon my self-discovery tour, I realized I still have to stop and occasionally smell the flowers. Well in this part of the country, since the flowers are starting to wilt and die, I suppose I have to stop and smell, the rain.. assuming it ever shows again. We've had a rather dry spell lately, and I honestly miss the rain. How can one miss the rain? It's wet, and causes the roads to slick, and leave prints on the carpet and the paws from the doggies are muddy and then they leave muddy prints all over the carpet, not to mention my bed as they seem to think that my bed - since it's the biggest soft cushion in the house - is for them....rotten mongrels.

anyhow.. so, yeah I miss the rain. Nothing is better than sitting on my covered back porch, in the mornings, sipping a nice cup of coffee, with my morning paper or a good book, curled up in a blankie.. listening to the rain... as long as the wind isn't whipping, cuz if the wind is whipping about then well I'll get wet and well I don't want to get wet cuz then I would get cold and worse of all my coffee would get cold and that's just not acceptable.

Anyhow.. where was I.. ooohhh taking time out to enjoy things. Like that walk around the lake w/dogs & kids in tow. Sitting on a park bench in front of the fountains downtown watching the wee children of the community playing. Watching an eagle soar thru the sky. Whatever the case is, taking time out of your busy life to enjoy the small things. I never do that. It brings about a bit of peace, tranquility if you will. Life is so busy and non-stop that if you don't stop and look around you, your going to miss something.

Ive been trying to take the time out each week to do something. To take that extra 1/2 hr and just relax, appreciate, digest, whatever... it's important. I don't know if it actually brings a center of balance or whatever you want to call it. But for me. It helps. I'm always go go go go that I never stop and breath.

I get so worked up with the go go go that I tend to be on edge, not ok.. Ive had a hell of a road re-discovering who I am over the last few years.. the last few weeks have been even more of an eye opener for me. So many realizations of who I really am.. and how I really think. It's been mind opening.. and in some case's embarrassing and in other case's totally disgusting.

I had someone recently ask me to describe myself. I couldn't. How pathetic is that? I can physically describe me.. but to describe what I'm truly like, my thoughts, plans, outlook, who I perceive myself to be... I don't rightly know. Who I thought I was.. yeah.. but who I am upon this discovery road. I don't know.

So.. I asked a good friend of mine & co-worker to describe me. Normally, he has no problems with coming up with something. But he knows that I'm on this re-discovery. So he's going to think on it over the weekend. He says some of it I may not like, some of it may embarrass me, some of it I may argue about. But it will be a true & accurate out look.

Once I receive it.. I'll post it.. well maybe only the parts I like..

Anyhow.. other news:

Ive decided I'm never going to read our local paper again.
I know to many people in this sess pool that I call home.
This week alone, there have been 3 people that I personally know in the paper...
My son's uncle, from his dad's side of the family, he's a loser - meth addict.. got busted for pointing a laser pen at a State Patrol Plane that was in the air..
Then..a kid I used to watch, like 13 yrs ago, just registered as a Level 3 sex offender!!!
Todays paper... an ex friend of mine, had 31 animals seized from her home this week, and is facing animal & child neglect charges.

What a roller coaster week!!! Wow..
I need a new start..
Hmm.. maybe I'll move to Ireland, yeah, I don't know anyone there and I hear it's beautiful country

Peace & have a great weekend!!!

WW #21

2008-09-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

WW #21

1.) If you caught your partner viewing porn online and masturbating, how would you react?
I have caught my partner doing this, at the time it royally pissed me off, mainly because he and I were having problems, and to me it felt like a form of betrayal. Now, I look back and realized I may of over-reacted a bit.. I have no issues with porn, but when your down and out and not feeling good about yourself and he's sneaking behind your back to look at it, it's wrong. If he would of just been open and honest.. things would of been different

2.) If you caught your partner participating in a sex chat room online, how would you react?
hmmm... again, it's all about honesty.. sneaking is cheating in my book.. as long as their is open communication, I would be cool with it.. hell I may even participate..LOL

3.) Did your parents know when you became sexually active? yes, my father knew
How did they find out? my probation office called him and informed him, and daddy dearest marched me down to the dr and put me on birth control..

4.) How open were/are your parents about sex?
Oh lord.. I will never forget when I asked my Mother about birds & the bee's.. her response was....
The bird is the female, the bee is the male... the bird - or Mommy.. stays home to take care of the home and the bee - the Daddy - goes to work to provide for the family.
Yeah..no shit.. that was her story.. so, I had my first lesson in 4th grade, by a boy I went to school with, who was WAY more experienced than any 4th grader should of been..

5.) When was the last time you had a splinter?
hmmmm.. oooh.. last week

What part of your body was it stuck in? it was on my little toe.. that's what I get for walking around barefoot...

6.) If you could only bring back ONE extinct animal, what would it be and why?
First of all, I never realized there were so many on the endagered species list.
How do you choose just one? Seriously, I think some of them need to be gone, and they were probably ment to be gone.. but on the other hand, they have a purpose, and a reason to be here.. for the good of all..right? Then again.. some of those little critters are NASTY!!!

I guess Im saddened to see that the Polar Bear is running the distinct possibility of becoming extinct. All because of Global Warming.. or whatever.. so I guess as of right now, I would say that I would want to stop this from happening.. but, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time!

Winter Cleansing

2008-09-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

For years, I have kept believing I needed to try to be better than others. I kept trying to make myself appear better than others. In reality, I'm no better than anyone... I never seriously thought that I was better than anyone, but I did think I am better than some.. yet.. that's what I finally realized one night, I sat in my living room, in the middle of the night, depression hanging over my head, I was forcing it back, not allowing it to seep into me.. it hung over my head like a demon cloud, I could feel it's cold fingers trying to grab at my soul, trying to gain entry into me. Trying to wrap itself around me. Whispering to me to let it in, to allow the self-doubt, the worry, the coldness, the dampness to take root & to grow. To fester.
The battling of wills...

Which "will" is stronger.. the will to fight & to survive?
The will to just allow the demon to take root. To fester... to grow... to destroy all that Ive worked so long and hard to gain?

I worry... continuously..
I worry about what others see, what others think: About me.
How do they see me? Do they see me as successful? Do they see me and say, I want what she has. I want to be her. I want her accomplishments. Her dreams.
Ridiculous I know. Because, I have nothing. Because to me, having that house, that nice car.. those are accomplishments. Those prove who you are. Those prove you have everything.
In reality.. those things are nothing.
and yet....
You don't define a person by the car they drive. You don't define a person by the house they live in.
So why did my thought process go that way?
I can blame society, the movies.
I can blame my father.
I can blame my friends.
But honestly the only person I can blame is myself. I allowed others to form my opinions.
I allowed others to dictate to me what I had to have in life to prove who I am.

I live in an apartment. I drive an old jetta.
What does that make me?

I don't have the best clothes. I shop at Walmart
My children don't wear name brand items.
We don't have all the fancy gadgets.

All at once, the light seeped thru...
The realization that, there is so much more to life, than the house you live in..
the car you drive... and what the important things are...

What I have, is more precious than all of that..
What "we" have...
is a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs
clothes on our backs
shoes on our feet
beds w/warm blankets to sleep in
hot showers
medical/dental
a car to drive
dogs to love
Most importantly...
we have each other

Does it matter that others see me and think... wow.. she doesn't have anything.
She's a loser
She cant buy her kids all these "things"

But.. I realized, sitting in my front room, in the middle of the night
listening to the silence & the whispering...
I have something so many do not have...

Love

Four letter word.. with such a huge definition

I have love in my home...
I have laughter in my home...
I have happiness in my home....
I have.. what so many people want....
I was just to caught up to realize it...
yes.. we fight..
yes...we argue...
but, it comes back to love & to laughter..

I would be nobody.. and I would have nothing..
if it wasn't for the love of my children....

I pushed that demon of depression, away and out..
I sat in silence..
I listened....
to the peace.. the quiet.. the serenity...
And I realized.. I have everything I need.. right there.. within my walls...
with in my shelter..
I don't "need" anything..

I have:
Love!

Realizations Part 1

2008-09-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

Do you ever sit back, look around at what you have and think to yourself, it's just not good enough?

I was cleaning over the weekend, decided to do some much needed deep cleaning. I sat down, and realized, damn I have a lot of shit. How can one person, who has no money to buy frivolous stuff, have so much frivolous stuff?

Then I realized that part of my unhappiness, is because of how I perceive myself. I'm so busy trying to keep up with the Jone's that I didn't realize I was making myself so miserable in the process. Ok... So, my couch & chair arnt from Macy's. My t.v. is a hand me down, my kitchen table is a hand me down. My entertainment center is a hand me down. Ok Ok.. the majority of my stuff is a hand me down. But you know what.. oh well.. does it truly matter?

Being raised as a Jehovah's Witness, one was taught not to worry about materialistic things. Yet, as the years went by, and I left the JW world.. I totally became the person I most detested. Materialistic.

Never happy with what I have, always wanting what I cant have. Never content with the few items I did have, wanting the bigger, better more expensive item. Why?
I thought long and hard about this all weekend... and the realizations I came up with, did not sit well with me. I dug into me... who I am... and some of the answer's that I came up with, flabbergast me... terrify me.... bewilder me... make me sit back and go OMG.. that's who I am?

So.. over the next few weeks.. I will be digging deeper into my sub-conscious thoughts.. Those thoughts that I push at bay because I refuse to really hear them. Think about them... accept them.. These are the thoughts that make me who I truly am.

I never realized how out of control I am... I never realized that I'm just a shell walking around, performing how I think I should be performing, and yet, I'm not a good person.

How do I become the person that I need to be?
I will figure it out.. sit back, grab some coffee,tea, Diet Coke (Weekends) and well, this may get boring.. but hey... I need to do this for me!

Hello Hello

2008-08-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who sent your thoughts my way.

I think the funk is finally disappearing. I am feeling better, there are moments when the clouds start hanging again.. and I can feel the precipitation wanting to fall, but old habits are hard to break, and they get sucked back in, and I move forward.

However.. things are getting better... the sun is shinning at the end of my misery.. and I can actually see the rays of hope!!! Corny I know.. but hey.. whatever!!!LOL...

School is starting next week. I can not wait. Ive had enough of my kidletts being home all summer. We didn't get as much fun stuff in this summer as I had hoped, the economy just wont allow for much entertainment. We got some camping in, went to Canada for a week, did some camping and visiting. I didn't make it to the ocean like I really wanted to tho. I did take a weekend trip to Idaho to see some friends, w/out kids! I had a good time.

But, alas, summer is gone, and it's time to get back into the grind of things. I got some much needed dental work done.. crowns, teeth re-construction and a nice hefty bill at the end of it..I'm so in the wrong line of work! oh, my dentist is super sexy.. so, I guess that help..LOL

The sad news, my oldest nephew has decided he is no longer family. He has hooked up w/his egg donor, and gone down the path of destruction. He's 19 now, so there is nothing that the family can do. He's living under the bridge, homeless, doing drugs, stealing, and just loosing himself.
I tried to talk to him a few months ago, explaining to him the path that I went down (he's doing some of the same things) but in one ear and directly out the other.

Were all just picking on him. What do we know? He's blaming his path on his step-mother. Which fine, blame it on her, but be strong about it! Prove whoever wrong and succeed.. don't loose yourself! That just pisses me off!
I realize he's got to make his choices, I realize he has to learn from his own mistakes. It just breaks my heart. Knowing what is in store for him, thinking to myself there is something I can do.. but what? Nothing really, absolutely nothing.
I remember those days of long ago, no-one could talk any sense into me.

My biggest fear, is the call will come in.. and I will be standing at the graveside of my nephew.
That scares & saddens me.

Anyhow... My son starts his freshman year of high school. Wow.. High school!
He has so many new adventures ahead of him. Harsh lessons.. and new experiences.
Let the ride begin!!!!

My daughter.. OMG.. where do I start? there are days I just want to throttle her.
Or just not talk to her. I love her with all my heart.. but OMG...!!!
You know when Bill Cosby used to say "I Hope you have one just like you"
during his "Himself" tour...
Oh yeah.. I got one JUST LIKE ME!
We are two south end magnets that repel away from each other....
I swear, I wish she would just start her cycle already.. maybe then things would start falling into some form of.....something!

Anyhow, she's getting ready to start 6th grade. I think and hope that this year will be a huge eye opener. First of all, girls are so vicious! She has a few really good friends, but my daughter is a little on the "thick" side, and the girls now-days are all the size of a pixi stick. So, I'm worried that comments are gonna be made. Not that I'm not worried she cant hold her own, she's one tough cookie.. but it's the after math that is going to be hard to deal with. As her mother, my first reaction will be to take care of it all myself. But I understand that I cant. I have to let them work out their issues.
Then again, she did punch the neighbor kid in the gut the other night, cuz he kept touching her... not like "touching" her, but grabbing her shoulder, and yanking her arm & pinched her butt. She warned him, that if he did it again she would punch him. He did it again, so sure enough.. she reared back and punched him in the gut. Poor little weasel went down with no dignity! HAHAHA.. I had to laugh. She is her Mother's daughter.

Dealing with his mother was a whole separate story, until I politely stated that I could just call the police and have her son busted for indecent liberties. That shut her up.
Where was I? Oh.. yeah, so, this year shall be trying for her. I hope she makes it thru, w/out to many emotional scars.

Ok.. I am off to visit my very pregnant friend.. she's been on bed rest for the last 3 months.. going stir crazy. Little Baby G is due next week. Damn, she's as big as a house! Poor thing.

Peace

Pardon me..while I cry...

2008-08-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

How am I doing? That's a damn fine question. I dont rightly know. Ive just taken everything and pushed it back in the depths of my mind, and Im refusing to allow any of it to surface. Ive hit that bumpy/rocky spot in life and Im not sure which way to turn. Yep.. Im depressed.. my whole body is sore... my head and heart hurt..and there are days I just want to sleep... but.. I get up and I keep going.

I can feel the claws of anger just scratching away on the inside. I know that my words hurt. Ive been pulled into the boss's off alot lately. With gentle reminders that my tone of voice needs to change. I can feel that red haze engulfing who I am. Once that happens Im not sure if I will be able to pull myself back.

Ive tried talking the the Dr. But when I talk, I feel he's tuning me out. I see the look on his face, and I read the message in his eyes, I get mad, grab my purse and walked out of his office. My dentist treats me better, and he hurts me... nevermind that he's just sexy :)

Im not sure how Im doing. Im not sure how I got where I am at. Im still trying to figure out how to get myself out of the abyss that Im sinking in to. Ive never been here before. Ive always been able to grab the ropes and pull myself back. Ive never allowed myself to actually sink into that dark cacoon of misery and wallow. But lately, it's like an old comfy blanket. A long lost friend that I havnt heard from in forever and we need to catch up.

Do I just need to sit down and have a good cry. Yes, probably.. but for so many years, it was taught to me that crying is a wasted emotion, and solves nothing. I find myself telling my own child that, and that's sad, she needs to be able to release those feelings. I need to be able to release those feelings.

What is wrong with me?

How do I find me again?

Riding the boat of depression

2008-07-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

You ever sit back and wonder where you went wrong? If you would of made other choices thru your stepping stones of becoming an adult, would things of turned out any differently?
would it of made a difference not to turn left in the road of life, and to kep going on the straight and narrow?

would I be a different person? would I be more successful? would I be happier?
If I would of finished college would my job profession be more satisfying? Or would I have gotten bored with that too? would I have had my babies? Would I still have the same life long friends that I do now? Or would I have a whole new set of friends?
Would I be married?

Am I truly unhappy with my lot in life? I mean obviously this is the road that the higher powers that be had intended for me? But seriously, could those higher powers of at least added a little something to my road? Or, is that something else still yet to come?

Yes, Im depressed, I will eventually snap out of it.. there is just so much going on right now, and I just feel so out of control... I need to put things into order & perspective and just move forward... it will work out.. and I will make it all work out.. I just have to get to that point...

anyhow.. on to Wednesday Weirdness...

1. Would you rather be 3 inches taller, or 3 inches shorter than you already are?
Hmm.. since I am 5'9.. I suppose 3 inches shorter.. just to see what it's like, but I actually enjoy my height.. Im ok with it..

2. What are 3 words that could never be used to describe you?
Predictable....
Naive
Lazy

3. Have you ever eaten something at the grocery store while you were shopping, prior to buying it? yep... little things like grapes..although when the kidletts were little I would open a box of crackers and let them munch on thm.

Did you pay for it when you got to the check out line?
Hell yeah.. Im not a thief!!!

4. If you could have any 3 materialistic things in this world without paying a single cent for any of them, what would they be and why?
A house
A car
Quads

5. Have you ever fallen asleep or nodded off during sex before?
yes... usually when they guy just isnt that great..

6. What are 3 jobs you’d leave your current job for? If you don't have a current job, just list 3 jobs you would like to have.
I currently have a job..
but.. the three that I would do..
1) I really want to open up my own bar
2) I really want to open up some kind of teen entertainment spot
3) if I had the degree I would love to help at risk youths

7. Do you or have you ever answered the phone during sex?
yes, but it's to damn difficult to focus on the conversation..LOL...

Ok..Im done.. thanks for reading.. play along too..

buh bye

Tagged

2008-07-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hi... nothing really to write about, Ive had a few entertaining events over the last few weeks. But nothing to really write about.
Im in a funk.. just not in the mood for anything.
Im having falling outs' w/my neighbor.. She has told my other neighbors Im a drunk and then started spreading crap about my son..
Im dealing with that.
I just got approved for my home loan, so Im off to find me a house.. cuz I cant STAND living in this freaking apartment anymore.
hmmm...
That's about it really..well no..there's more, but blogger is just kind of loosing it's appeal for me. And, Im in a funk.. I need to snap the fuck outta it!

Ok.. I was kind of tagged... so here we go

5 things found in your bag:
1) chap stick.. I cant go anywhere w/out it.. I have to have it!
2) Debit card.. it's like my american express...
3) car keys.. no keys.. no driving
4) loose change, now I know why my purse is always so freaking heavy, I just throw my change in the bottom, and once a month I take it out and cash it in.. last month I had almost $50 in change.. which explains why my damn shoulder hurts all the time!
5) hair gel.. dont ask.. I have no idea!!!

5 favourite things in your room:
1) my bed..
2) my tv
3) my kids.. even tho they have their own room.. theirs dont have tv's in them.. so my son is always in my room!
4) the dogs..
5) the computer

5 things you have always wanted to do:
1) travel to Ireland
2) live in Boston.. I have No idea
3) live in a skyscraper in some downtown metro area
4) die my hair black
5) get 3 more tattoo's - which I will accomplish!!!

5 things you're currently into:
1) reading.. I read alot.. I love to read.. anything really... it takes me away from my life and throws me into someone else's life..
2) dog showing... well I dont personally show the dog.. but I get the dog to and from.. and my daughter shows.. she loves it..
3) that's it.. I have no life
4) nope.. nada.. that's it.. wow.. sad huh
5) there ya go.. the end.. no more.. buh bye

5 people you want to tag:
Does anyone ever read this anymore? I want everyone to do this..
cuz..well.. I need to feel loved.. let me know if u did them..

2008-07-02T09:25:00.001-07:00

Howdy ya'll... I really have nothing of intelligence to write about today. Please forgive me, it's been a while since my last editorial.. or umm.. last written piece of garbage.

Life is slowly trudging along, been doing alot of traveling, weekend jaunts, went to Idaho for 4 days. Went to Canby, Oregon for a weekend, Yakima WA, Redmond WA.. all in the pursuit of winning that big doggy ring.. But hey.. I have a good time, and I enjoy the majority of the people.

The kids are doing good.. the boy is in summer school, 8-1 M-F... hahaha.. he's not liking it, but I think..and I hope he gets the damn message! The girl.. is bored.. well sort of bored.. the pool is getting alot of use.. and she is so freaking tan.. it's just sickening..

Umm.. hmmm... that's it.. 4th of July, Im having a b-b-que at the house.. your more than welecome to come.. please BYOB & some kind of side dish...

The men department.. its' pretty non-existant.. I have 2 gentleman..if you can call them that.. that are interested.. one of them is married however, says he just wants to be friends.. uh huh...riiiiight... took him 2 weeks to answer the "are you married" question. Good lord, be honest up front.. dumb ass's.. the other guy, it's all player.. but as I sit back and think about it, do I honestly want a relationship? Or just a beneficial friend?

And of course.. there is my already existing beneficial guy.. who is really starting to weird me out.. so Ive cooled it w/him, however I miss him at the same time.. damn complicated!

I got severly burn on my chest.. holy OUCH!!! pools and drinking in 90+ weather..NOT SMART!!!

Take a look at this!!!!

look at that red rim?? OMG.. it hurts.. so bad!!!

Here's a pic of the new puppy.. Barkley.. who is 7 months now.. and just over 100lbs.. it's the best pic I have.. I will get some more this weekend..

Happy 4th of July!!!!

Peace!

Wednesday Weirdness....

2008-06-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

1. Have you ever rode in a stolen car? What would you do if, in the middle of going somewhere, found out that the driver had stolen the car you were riding in?
Ok.. well.. yes I have ridden in a stolen car... and I knew it was stolen when I got into the car.. long story short.. we took the car across two states, never got busted, amazingly enough.. I will have to blog about this.. it's really not as bad as it sounds.. and the car was returned to the rightful owners... and she and I are still the best of friends..LOL...

2. What is the most amount of money you've spent in a sex shop or porn store at one time? If you've never been to a porn store or sex shop, why?
Hmmm... I would say like $50.. and it was all on gag gifts for a co-worker who had knee surgery.. all my extra curricular toys have always been gifts.. :)

3. What is the most annoying thing about one of your closest friends?
oohh.. I love her.. I really really do.. but.. annoying? she throws me in the middle of her marriage ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!

4. Have you ever taken someone's prescription medication with or without them knowing and used it for recreational purposes?
OH yeah... remember.. I was a huge drug user back in my teen years.. I would take anything I could get my hands on!!!

5. What is at least one thing you are you insecure about?
my weight..

6. What are some things that you prefer to do alone?
shower.. I know.. I know.. but that's my "me" time.. sometimes it's nice to enjoy a shower w/that someone special.. but.. Im weird like.. I know

7. How would you react if you found out the anonymous babe who writes all your favorite sexy posts on her blog is really your mother?
OMG... ROFLMAO!!! That would be priceless.. my Mommy and I would get one hell of a great laugh outta that.. hahahahaha... I can only imagine...

Wednesday Weirdness...

2008-06-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

1. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Here's the weird thing, I didn't think I would make it to a mature enough age to worry about growing up and becoming anything. You see, I was raised a Jehovah's Witness... so w/all the "church" teachings, the world was coming to an end, and 144k would go to heaven and the rest of us were left here on earth to do what ever it was we were to do... so the future wasn't even a glimmer in my wee little eyes.. then around the age of 12, all hell broke loose in my world and I became an evil evil child... so my teen years were spent druggin, sexin, partyin... but at one point I wanted to be a child psychologist...

2. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side to dip in? If you don't use ketchup, what do you use? If you don't eat french fries, what's wrong with you? (Ok so that last one is just a joke. Kind of. *wink*)
Depending on where I'm at.. if I'm at a restaurant I ask for an side of tartar sauce, I take my ketchup and put a nice big dollop of ketchup in the middle of my tartar sauce and mix it all together.. add a little pepper and YUMMY!!!!
If I'm just getting fries from fast food, I usually tend to eat them plain..

3. When was the last time you had phone sex? If you've never done it, why?
Does text messaging sex count? Actually breathing in ears, talking phone sex.. hmmm.. wow.. ok.. it's been years... since this new age of technology.. Ive had ALOT of text messaging sex.. LOL

4. When was the last time you made someone cry? What did you do to make them cry?
hahahahahah... I make my daughter cry all the time.. but I don't suppose that counts.. I tell her no and she starts crying.. she's such a drama queen..
Other than that, I made my Mom cry a few months ago.. she wasn't around for my teen stupidity years.. and she blames herself for it.. whatever, it was my choice to walk away from life.. Just cant get her to understand that.. anyhow.. I'll have to post about all that sometime

5. How often do you sing in the shower?
Ummm..Never.. I don't need the dogs howling!

6. Have you ever cooked dinner or any other meal naked? If not, would you?
No, I have never cooked dinner naked... nor do I believe I ever would.. mainly because I could just imagine something disaster's happening and I would end up burning a nipple, or something more drastic!

Please read

2008-06-03T15:34:00.000-07:00

I finally added some of my favorite sites to my blog roll...

If you are on there and dont wish to be.. please let me know..

If your not on there and want to be.. please let me know..

ok..that's all I got!!!

Evil am I?

2008-06-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

How evil are you? So I took the quiz... and yep.. Im the purest of all evilness.. I guess that sums me up.. I dont work for AOL.. but pretty damn close.. look how far that arrow is in the black? WOOOOOOW... Yep thats me.. E V I L

A month of nothingness

2008-05-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Oh wow.. I just realized I haven't posted in a month..
where the time fly's..

So.. lets see.. what do I have fun and exciting to tell all of you...

I'm down 20lbs.. woo hoo for me.. however.. I lost my boobs!!!
Now THAT is depressing.. I want my girls back.. why is it that they were the first to go?
No No.. I still have more than a handful.. but, there just not all there... and that just really depresses me.. which means, I am going to have to save money up, to have put back what once was there...

Hmmm...what else.. nothing.. work kicks my ass, the kids are kicking my ass, the gas prices are really kicking my ass.. 4.08 a fucking gallon... are u serious?!!!!
Thank gawd I get good gas mileage.. but $50 to fill up the gas tank.. it's getting fucking outrageous.. plus.. food prices are skyrocketing too.. I'm gonna have to sell a kidney just to be able to feed the kids & put gas in the car...

I have no sex life anymore...it's almost as if Ive lost the urge.. what is wrong with me? I'm just so stressed about everything that I just am not so sure about how I would respond to someone right now..Maybe I need to contact my beneficial friend and just take out some aggression.. wonder if that would make me feel better... hmmmm.....

I got a new puppy... here I am bitching about living expenses and what do I do.. I go and get a new freaking puppy.. but damn it.. he's cute.. and HUGE... anyhow..

Nothing else to tell ya, my life has turned into nothing but work, home, dog shows, and that's it.. nada else!!!

Wednesday Weirdness..

2008-04-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

during my 2 hrs of internet play today..
I was reading AR's blog..and a new Wednesday game..

So here we go....

Wednesday Weirdness....

1. ) Some people can pull leftovers out of the refrigerator and chow down without warming them up. Others can't. What are some foods that you serve warm but can eat once they're cold?

Pizza - I love cold pizza - it is the BEST hangover breakfast ever!!!
Im not a huge leftover person, no matter what my intention are.. the fam - just doesnt do well with leftovers..

2. ) Have you ever incorporated food into sex before? well yes.. yes I have..
Explain.
Is ice a food? probably not, but during the hot summer months, when he places the ice into his mouth, and rubs it against my southern regions.. that coldness, up against hot flesh, is such a turn on....
Other than that.. the usual I suppose.. whip cream, warm chocolate syrup or caramel syrup - just make sure its not to hot or u will burn yourself.. I guess Im not a huge food/sex person..

3. ) What is one snack you eat that other people may consider odd?
Peanut butter sammys - not unusual I suppose, except I have to put butter on both slices of bread first, then the peanut butter, then the jam..
uummm.. toasted cheese sammys' - but.. I put the bread into the toaster.. then melt the butter on it when it's done.. then slide the cheese on.. wrap it in a papertowel for a few - allowing the warm bread & butter to soak into the bread.. you have to butter your toast and add your cheese very quickly tho!
My son however loves Flutter-Nutters...
white bread, peanut butter & marshmellow creme puff... or I think it's called Jiffy Puff..

ok.. that was fun.. who else is playing?

I was Tagged...flagged, nagged, shagged..

2008-04-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

So.. my beautiful blog mate Ozfemme decided to tag me..
ooohh.. ain't you so sweet...

"five things about myself"

Well.. Ive listed a ton of things about myself in this blog.. things that I probably should share.. but I have shared.. things I'm sure NO one wanted to read.. but I did.. but.. here are 5 more things.. that no one should know ... but here ya go..

1) I have the most UGLIEST toes/toenails in the world..
seriously..my big toe.. is HUGE.. HUGE I tell ya.. and mishapped...and my little toe..
ain't so little either...and my toenail on that big toe.. is thick.. and ingrown.. and the pedicure ladies LOVE me..
cuz I have ugly feet.. and I get to here from my pedi lady..
"you have ugly toe"
"you come in once a month"
"you feet nasty"
then they all talk about me in their oriental language, point and laugh at me.. and call me the ugly toe lady..
But.. I leave there and I have pretty feet.. for at least a week..
until I run around outside barefoot.. and well then.. they not so pretty no more!!!

2) I get bored... and restless w/life.. and when I start getting bored and restless.. I tend to do things I shouldn't do.. like.. do shots of tequila at the bar, and allow random guys to photograph my boobies w/their cell phones...
or.. allow random girls at the bar feel me up.. cuz they don't believe me when I tell them that "yes.. they are real.. homegrown..no implants here"
or, I turn into a real bitch..I mean.. a real bitch.. only at the bar, when guys try to pick up on me.. why? Cuz I find it humorous.. the more bitchy I get.. the harder they try.. and they buy me more drinks.. but when I try to be nice, they don't pay any attention to me..so... I cuss them out, I put them down, I tell them off, I don't encourage them.. the more I do this.. the more drinks they buy me..
Weird really..

3) I love whole in the wall, po-dunk, urine smelling, sweaty, dirty bars. Low class society bars. I feel like I'm the princess among all the derelicts of society... what no one realizes is that I'm just poor as they are :)

4) I spend at least 2hrs a day surfing the web while I'm at work.. my boss would be so disappointed in me... but... It's how I pass the day...

5) The guys at work have come up w/a new nick name for me.. "Rain Women" as in Rain Man... because I rattled network stuff off to them w/out thinking.. I guess that's a good thing right?

Ok.. that's it.. I'm gonna tag..
hmmm.... everyone.. who hasn't been tagged yet..
4)

Thumb wrestling - it passes the time

2008-04-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

Went back to the dentist yesterday to figure out why exactly I'm still so sore, and cant open my mouth (probably a good thing I'm single right now.. cuz the poor man wouldn't be getting any blow jobs :)

Come to find out, I have an infection in my cheek.. there's a huge lump in the upper right corner of my cheek that I didn't notice, cuz well ... I didn't.. until the dental hygienist stuck her finger in my mouth and was probing around.. I almost hit her, it hurt so freaking bad!!!!

So, now I'm on antibiotics to kill the infection..but hey. I don't have to go in next week for that other filling.. woo hoo!!!!!

The sun is finally trying to show it's beautiful ray of light.. I'm really really hoping that Spring finally comes out to play!!!!

Got a random text message from my Beneficial buddy... he's always telling me that he doesn't chase tail.. so I figured I was tired of trying to put it together all the time, so I stopped contacting him (I know.. how childish of me) but hey.. he sent me a txt the other day to let me know he's been thinking of me, and wants to get together really soon :) oh yeah..that made me happy.. cuz..well.. I really really need to get laid!!!!

What else.. nothing.. I got nothing.. sad isnt it?
Work is still a pain in my ass.. I know longer enjoy my job.. which really sucks... with that being said, my boss decided to pile more projects onto me.. why?

hmmm... I get to go pick up a dog tonight.. I belong to the local Mastiff Rescue..
So, I get to pick up a 1yr old female tonight.. she's got a bum leg, so I get to get her all healthy, and then ship her off to a permanent home.. that's assuming the kiddletts don't fall in love with her.. and I can pretty much say they will.. but.. she WILL be going to a permanent home!!!!

And that's it.. ain't that sad?
My life is turning into nothing..
But.. Summer is around the corner.. hopefully something exciting will start happening.. cuz Im getting bored and restless.. and when I get this way.. I start doing things I shouldn't be doing!!!!

Ramblings.. of nothingness

2008-04-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

.... it's been about 2 weeks since my last post... and I really have nothing exciting to say.

I went in for a routine filling last week, and come to find out, that the two other teeth around it were rotten (all those drugs I did when in high school has totalled my teeth) and so 3.5 hrs later my bottom 3 teeth on my right side had to be drilled and reconstructed. I kept telling the dentist to just yank them all out and give me dentures, but he says that believe it or not, the roots and bones are still good and it would be cheaper to work with what I have..
Another reason why drugs are so damn nasty!!! At least my teeth arnt all black and nasty!
The previous fillings on those other teeth were loose and therfore were rotting underneath.. GROSS!!!

Anyhow... it's been a week, and now my cheek is swollen & hurts like hell, and I cant open up my mouth very wide. Dentist suck!!!!

Ive lost another 1.5 lbs... slowly chipping away at this weight.. lets see.. I have aprox. 27 weeks before leaving for Cabo.. I figure if I can loose a pound a week - that's 27 pds that will be gone.. plus the 12 Ive already lost.. I'll be looking fine as hell!!!!
That's assuming I keep up w/the gym.. like Im suppose to!

Anyhow.. Im looking for a new job.. Ive hit a road bump here, and I dont wanna be here anymore. I want to move back to Idaho so badly.. but there are absolutely NO jobs over there. I got offered one last week, but I would be taking a $1000 a month cut in pay.. that's to much! So, I turned it down and let them know that when they want to pay me more to give me a call ;)

And Im out.. that's all I got..

Peace

I will see you on the other side..

2008-04-10T09:47:00.001-07:00

Received a phone call last night..
A very dear friend of the families was killed in a motorcycle accident in Texas on Monday.

Was out running errands, hit some debris in the road, and went approx 20 ft, landed on his head.
Died upon impact.... the bike went approx 225 ft.

Our local coroner arrived at his wife's house, here in town (as he was down there for his job)
to notify her.

She was headed to see him on Tuesday, and he was coming home w/in the next few weeks.
She had just spoke to him an hour prior to his death.

Please explain to me, how a man can be taken so quickly?
There are derelicts of society sitting in our prisons, roaming our streets, that continue to take the breath that you and I breath..... and yet, death takes the life of a man, who was truly good!

The wife has to fly to Texas, pick up his ashes, and bring them home.
Carry her husbands ashes onto the plane, and then put the "box" under the seat.
How?

I can not fathom her agony. I know how I feel, and he wasnt my soul mate....

My heart goes out to the family..
Words can not express the loss...

Goodbye..
I will see you on the other side..
Have your "scooter" ready.. we will go for a ride, you can drive.. :)

Down & Dirty

2008-04-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

For the past several years, I have had a beneficial friend.. but first, let me provide u with a little background.

I once worked with this girl.. and she would tell you straight up, she only dates bald black men.....
in fact, when I first started my job.. that was on of the first things she told me.. I suppose she felt it was a shock factor.. umm..OK..

She met a guy on line.. she started dating him.. her and I became friends, hanging out together after work.. so forth.. well she decides she's going to fix me up w/his roommate.. who was his cousin.. OK.. sounds good...

That night was a trip to say the least.. I met up w/the cousin.. who stood maybe 5'6 - I'm almost 5'9..I never thought height was an issue, although this night.. it was a little awkward.. we drank, we talked, we had dinner, all very harmless.. well when short man figured out he wasn't gonna get me in bed.. he ran off to bed... my friend ran off too bed as she had had to much to drink..
that left me.. with her boyfriend.. who is one fine fucking bald black man!!!
For those of you who have read my post's before, you have read about him...

That night, he hit on me.. I turned him down.. that ain't right.. in my eyes...
I told my friend the next day... she confronted him.. and he of course denied it.. and that started the downward spiral for her & him.. and her and I..

I did end up hooking up w/the cousin... oh come on people.. a women has got to try things out ;)
and for a short man.. he wasn't bad.. and what does it matter when your laying down? Right? Right..

Fast forward.. they are no more.. her and I are no longer friends..
the boyfriend and I, ended up becoming friends thru the whole thing, alot of drama played out.. he would come to my house for advice, mind you, nothing would happen.. until one night, I decided I couldn't keep my hands off of him.. and one thing led to another, and I had one of THE best nights I had ever had up to that point....

It's now been approximately 5 yrs... and he and I have been enjoying each other's company.. sometimes alot every month.. sometimes, ever few months.. just depends on whats going on in each of our lives...

Once upon a time, I thought I was actually falling for him.. but I gave myself a quick talking to, and decided no.. he was/is way to much of a player for me to get caught up in that shit... I don't need the headache... or the heartache.. so.. I cut things off..
and then he would call.. telling me he missed what we had..
so.. I would invite him back..
then cut things off..
invite him back...
then cut things off...
invite him back..
And each time he came back, the chemistry was more intense.. more fulfilling.. more orgasmic!!!! (is that a word?)

Last time I enjoyed his company.. was on New Years...
oh.. no.. I mean Sunday night..
and.. well.. um... O M F G!!!! (that's = oh my fucking gawd)

IT WAS BEYOND ANYTHING I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!!!

I don't know if it was because it had been over 3 months.. I don't know if it was because he has been working out and, holy wow... he is ripped!!! I don't know if it was because Ive been loosing weight, and toning up... so I am a little more open and adventurous.. I don't know..

But I'm here to tell you now.. He's cuming...over tonight..
why do I tell you all this?
Well because..
I'm exercising..oops.. I mean.. sexercising..
toning up..
getting my leg curls in.. and moving my hips.. and practicing my kegels... hehehe...

Ladies & Gentlemen.. I'm getting laid.. oh hell yeah.. laid..
I know.. some people think it's a personal subject.. but I'm here to shout it from the rooftops..
I'm gonna get me some of that man tonight.. and holy shit!!! It's good!!!!!
He makes my body sing!!!

Fat Ass report - 2

2008-03-31T12:31:00.001-07:00

Well.. Ive lost 11 lbs!!! The goal is to loose 50 by Oct! I WILL DO THIS!!!
So.. here it goes..

5'8
current weight: 230

GAWD!!! Thats hard to look at.. then again.. when I started Weight Watchers.. I weight 241!
So.. 11 pounds.. that's pretty good.. It's been 7 weeks..
I even, started working out at the gym..
Now.. mind you.. I fucking hate the gym..
Believe me when I say I hate the gym.. I HATE the gym..
I hate excercise, H A T E it... but.. Im gonna do this.. I have commited to $30 a month.. money is sacred to me.. cuz well, Im poor..poor white apartment trash.. LOL..hahahahahahaha...... Im kidding... Im kidding..
It's a joke between my son and I....

Anyhow.. Im commited.. 3x a week.. Tuesday, Thursday & Sunday... hey..it's a start..
I will be lighter by October.. when I go to Cabo.. I will be tone... and lean... and tan!!!
HELL YEAH!!!!

Im doing this for me..
Not for anyone else..
For me.. noone else..

So.. yeah.. 11 lbs.. I have to keep reminding myself.. I didnt pack on these extra pounds overnight.. it took time.. to it's not gonna come off overnight.. it will take time..
but Ive noticed it.. and so have alot of other people.. which makes me feel accomplished (or their just being nice) either way.. it makes me feel good...

Im not on a "diet" Im on a life changing plan..
to eat healthier... to live longer.. to be good to my body..

OH Good lord.. I want a donut!!!

It's done..finally..I have moved on!!!!

2008-03-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

The ex wrote me an email..
one stating that I was raising "our" children to be liars.. that I was an "ugly person"
stating that he is done trying to be my "friend" and done sending me money (mind you, he's only paid $20 total in child support)

One stating that he see's my true colors.. Im a bitch.. duh.. already knew that.. one stating that I have never moved on in life, and that he has.. one stating that God is on his side.. not on mine..

So.. I wrote a response in return.. one that I wont send.. but one that I had to vent.. if he ever really does piss me off.. it's one that I will send.. but until then.. I feel better for writing it.. if I was to send it to him.. it would just open up a line of communication that I no longer wish to have in my life...
Here's the letter:

I'm not sure why I am replying to your bullshit.. but none-the-less... here I am responding, which I guess in a round about way, makes me the weak person.. oh well...

I'm not stopping you from being a father to R.. never have, I am however stopping you from being a passing fancy in her life. You come and you go, with no general concern for others. Maybe your changing, maybe your not. Either way I could really care less. Your track record speaks for itself. Your a free-loader, and I wouldn't be surprised if your using the current people your living with or sponging off of. It's what you do.. and you should be oh so proud of yourself for being able to manipulate situations.. Way to go W!!!!

Believe it or not, and it's your choice.. at this point in the game,because this has all become a game.. one that I don't wish to play anymore, but I have forgiven you... I have forgiven you for all the bullshit you put me and MY children through. But, I will NEVER forget.. two different things... I also thank you.. I thank you for teaching me how to be a strong, independent women. For teaching me how to stand on my own two feet, with assistance from my family once, who LOVE me.. I was and am able to provide for MY children. Sadly, you have no family to turn to.. your family sings a different tune when I receive emails from them. Your a liar W.. always have been.. always will be. Your a user.. not of just drugs, which I do hope you have finally given up.. but a user of people, situations & emotions. If you ever amount to anything in life, I will be greatly shocked. As of right now, your a nothing... R doesn't need a father like that. I wouldn't be surprised if she was ashamed of you.

Did you ever stop to think, why she doesn't tell you anything? It's not wholly because of me.. I actually don't speak bad about you in front of her. Yet, she's not a stupid child.. she's extremely intelligent and can form her own opinions. She's sad that she doesn't have a father to rely on.. she's mad because her father is such a loser. She's upset at the fact her father cant keep a job, keep his promises, has multiple children and has nothing to do with them. You should feel so proud of yourself! You are nothing more than a sperm donor to your children. Because it takes a hell of a lot more to be a Dad!

Contrary to your belief, I don't blame you for all my financial woes.. I do however blame you for part of them.. after all.. it was you who manipulated situations to better yourself.. with no cares about the me or the kids.. so be it.. my stupidity for allowing that to happen.. I've moved on, away from you. I'm finally happy in life W.. I finally figured out who I am, what I am, what I want, and what I deserve. It's been awhile since I have been happy, nothing you say or do will take that away. You no longer have control over me, and you no longer can manipulate me to do what you want. I'm so sorry that I grew up. Maybe some day you too can grow up and become an adult.

So you see who I am? You have no idea who I am.. you have no idea what my thoughts are, my passions in life, my out look, my wants or my desires. That's all fine with me, I don't want you to know me. Because you have no rights to know me. I have no rights to know you, nor am I going to pretend to know who you are. If I saw you walking down the street, I wouldn't even take a second look in your direction, because your outer appearance is one of a destitute, washed up, used, has been.. oh wait.. you haven't been anything in life.. so your just a wanna be.. a wanna be something in life, but not able to achieve it unless you can pull others down with you. To me that defines "User"

I'm sure God is pleased with you lashing out. Matthew 6:14 - 15 " For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." I have forgiven you..and moved on.

God Bless W...May the road ahead of you bring you happiness, forgiveness & tranquility

Say it.. Mean it.. Believe it...

2008-03-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

Some things that are getting me thru life at the moment:

"Regret is the cancer of life."

"Live Well, Laugh often, Love much"
(although Im having issues in the "love" world..Im loving what's already mine)

Comes the Dawn

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul;
and you learn that love doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
and presents arnt promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain.
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get to much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.....
that you really are strong.....
and you really do have worth....

And you learn, and you learn, and you learn
-Author: Anonymous

Each day is brighter

2008-03-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 days.. since my cry fest.. 3 days to allow myself time to heal, to move on, to think.
Not nearly enough time to obtain any answers, or to figure anything out.

However.. w/in those 3 days.. things have gotten easier.. there still is a dark shadow over my heart.. but, I can see rays of sunshine bursting in... I will be ok.. I will over-come.. I will be me again.

For years I walked around with an icy coating.. w/ice so thick that it would take more than just icepicks to chip it away. Stick of dynamite probalby wouldnt work either...
I froze myself off from so many "oppurtinities" after my last "relationship" I swore to myself that I would never put myself or my children thru that hell again.

Here I am... years later.. thinking to myself.. Can I?
Can I allow all these emotions to run? Can I allow myself the oppertunity to find happiness?
Happiness? possibly.. Love? No...

I read in a magazine this morning sitting at the dentist office for my kids cleaning appointment (oh..and there were NO cavaties found.. Im such a proud Mamma)

"Connecting with your soul mate isn't a matter of luck, but requires allowing yourself to feel worthy of unconditional love. Your life partner probably isn't identical to you, but rather someone who shares common values, allowing you bring out the best in each other. Keeping an open mind and a willingness to accept change is the key"

Sitting here thinking about that.. makes me think.. is there really such thing as soul mates?
Can I feel worthy of unconditional love?
To be able to spend my life w/one person, who accepts me for me.. doesnt expect me to be someone else. To not have to change my way of thinking to bend to him?

I dont believe it's a possibility.. I dont believe that there is someone out there for me..
Which is why I cant move forward in my life. I still believe in those words that were uttered to me so many years ago.
"You will never find anyone for you, you will never find someone who loves you as I do, You will never be worthy of anyone else's affections.. you belong to me"

It took me 4 yrs to walk away.. but emotionally, Im still tied..
That power is still there, no matter how much I pretend its non-existant.
I still give him the power to control.. even tho I refuse to be controlled.
It's an on going battle that I wage between my heart/soul & mind..
There still is a piece of my heart that belongs to that long ago nightmare, even though I KNOW in my heart we are better off w/out him.
My mind is strong... my soul is healing..
My heart has a hole in it..

I think part of my heart wants to feel love... part of my mind.. has found it.. but my soul wont accept it..
My soul wont allow what could be. Because it was my soul that had to carry me so far before.. That had to stop me from cutting away the pain. It was my soul that had to pick up my heart & mind... correct the damage, and push forward...

So.. how do I get the 3 back into order.. to co-exist w/one another?

Oh no... Ive given myslef a headache!

My heart hurts :(

2008-03-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

I cried for the first time in months yesterday morning.
I cried...
I actually cried..
My heart hurt that bad...

Did you know, that it's really hard to drive a car with tears running down your face.
Visibility is awful!
I dont cry...
I rarely ever cry..
My Daddy always used to tell me that it's a wasted emotion and doesnt solve anything.
Action's solve your problems.. Not tears..
But yesterday I cried.

I took a weekend trip.. just me.. no kids.. and I drove to Idaho.. 5 hrs one way..
to see old friends..

the night before I left.. I saw him..
and my heart swelled.. and yet I was scared.. because I could so easily.. just crawl right into him.
I could fall.. so hard.. that I may never find "me" again...

There were about 10 of us.. laughing, eating, drinking, enjoying each others company.
Old friends of mine.. some that I hadnt seen in years..
and him..
He was married to a good friend of mine... they are no more..
as the night progressed.. people left.. or crawled into beds, and went to sleep..
we talked..
for hours.. just he and I...
about the past, the future, the now.. emotions, current situations

then he asked me.. if he could kiss me..
and he did..
and I have never felt like that before..
when his lips touched mine, I melted... my breath caught..
the wolrd tilted.. and I realized.. then and there.. I finally found him...
it felt that right :)

It probably was a mistake.. to attempt what came next..
we ended up together.. laying next to one another.. enjoying the feeling of skin..
when these words are spoken..

"I cant"
??????????

I told him it was ok..
Just lay down.. get some sleep.. relax..
That it could of been a number of things..
1) to much alcohol
2) no attraction
3) just not ready (he had been seperated for just over a year.. w/out any activities)

He said the attraction is there.. he finds me intimidating, because Im so beautiful..
he never realized how beautiful I was, because he wasnt allowed to look.. or really get to know me..I am the most beautiful person he knows...

I chalked this up to drunk talk..
I waited for him to pass out..
and went downstairs to the couch.. and slept.. for 45 min
he shows up.. curls up on the couch w/me...
and falls asleep...

hrs go by.. It's time to leave..
tell him Im leaving to make my 5 hr drive home..
gives me a little hug.. and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

I get in my car..
and I cried..
I cried half way down I-90
I cried...
My heart still hurts
I think I may cry some more

I tried to talk to him yesterday..
via txt
they were so formal

I cried some more

Finally talked to him last night.. I didnt sayanything about how I felt..
the subject was actually never brought up..
Never mentioned..

He talked..rambled really.. almost as if he was nervous..
talked about his plans.. for the year..
He included me in on alot of those plans..
Introductions need to be made w/me and all his friends..
Camping, ocean trips, trip to Cabo, weekends that need to be spent together

As friends?
Or More?
I didnt ask..

I dont know what it all ment..
5 hr trip really is alot of time for a mind to think... and think... and think..
scenerios to play over & over & over.
Decisions to be made.. and changed...

I dont know where we stand.. Im not sure if I want to know..

I dont even know what it all means... ???

I guess.. I should do what comes normal.. bury everything..
and go back to where we were..
and call it good..

not two steps back..
I need to go a whole block back..
and remain Me.. otherwise.. I will get lost again..

L.O.V.E

2008-03-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

Many years ago I fell in love, with a man who was my everything.. he was the reason I was put onto this earth to breath. We would have great conversations about the future, where it would take us, what we would do, how to get there.. there was nothing to stop us, as long as we had each other. He was the reason why the birds sang, rainbows arch over the sky and everything was right in the world.

Until reality smacked me straight in the left eye.. and my world became a dark rainy, thundering night, and lightening streaks that nightmares were made of.

Fast forward 12 years.. the only reminiscences I have of him, is my daughter... I say "MY" daughter because I'm the one who has raised her, provided for her, supported her. Gotten up in the middle of the night with her, disciplined her, bandaged her, guided her, swatted her butt. She is mine.. not his. Always and forever mine.

He was never there.. when we found out I was pregnant.. the nightmare began.. It's when the most harshest words have ever been spoken to me.
"Your getting an abortion"
I should of known at that time I was on the doorstep of Hell.
I should of known at that time that my life was about to take a drastic downward spiral.
But.. Love cures all.... right?
No.. Love makes you blind. Love makes you stupid. Love turns you into putty in an abusers hands.

I try not to dwell on all the negative.. in some cases I wouldn't change much of my past.. If I had never of met up with him, I would of never had my daughter, if I would of never met up with him, I would of never realized how strong I could of been. If I would of never met him, I would of never over come my fear (at the time) of being alone.

The reason I bring all this up, is because he just called me.. at work..
to tell me that he's found God.. and that because of God, he has found it in his heart
to forgive me, for leaving him, in a snow storm, on the side of the road.
To also tell me that he loves me, and he's sorry for all the things he's done to me over the years and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wishes he wouldn't of screwed it up all those years ago.

He's sorry for telling me to get an abortion
He's sorry for slamming me up against the wall when I was 7 months pregnant.
He's sorry for spanking my son so hard that he left bruises
He's sorry for segregating me from my family
He's sorry for screwing around on me and getting that other chick pregnant
He's sorry for stealing from me
He's sorry for selling my only car out from under me so he could buy more drugs
He's sorry for lieing to me, cheating on me
He's sorry for never supporting "our" daughter
He's sorry for never acknowledging her
He's sorry for walking away from her
He's sorry for attempting to kidnap her
He's sorry.. he's sorry.. he's sorry

He hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive him...
Well you know what.. I can.. I can forgive
I can find it in my heart to forgive him..
I will also thank him for giving me my beautiful daughter
I can thank him for making me realize that Im a hell of alot stronger than I EVER gave
myself credit for
I can thank him for teaching me how to respect myself..
I can thank him for bringing me closer to my family
I at least can thank him for teaching me that forgiveness is one of the biggest things you can
give to another person.
Just never forget.. because once you forget, the cycle can start all over again.

I forgive you..
I hope that your life finally turns itself around, I hope that you and your family finally find each other and forgive each other.
I hope that you can forgiveness in your own soul..

Oh.. and let me know how this whole "God" thing works out for you.
God found me years ago.. I walked away from him.. what's amazing is how he continues
to support me, acknowledge me, and understand me... regardless of all the mistakes I make..
and regardless of how many time I curse at him..
You dont need a church to tell you how to pray.. or how to worship.. what you need is to actually allow him into your heart.. and your soul..
Im still trying to do that.. but he knows I still need him..
Hopefully he can do the same for you...

Thirsty Thursday

2008-02-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

Half Nakid Thursday..

Here's a lovely shot of my boobies... w/a few random signatures...
You see, every year I attend a 24 hr fun filled biker event, about 1200 attend, and we drink, dance, eat, communicate and have see some boobies, get a little to much sun (as you can see I had a lovely sun burn.. and well just have fun...

So.. Here's ya go.. Enjoy!!!

Other than that.. life is trudging along... one pound at a time is falling from my frame.. and Im really really liking the way Im feeling!

Im getting into clothes in my closet that I havnt been able to wear in awhile.. who would of thunk.. that 15lbs would make such a HUGE difference!!!?????

although last night, I kind of went over board.. I got bored and started eating.. but I wasnt eating bad things.. just alot of 100 calories snack thingys... oh well.. I will just have to work a little harder at the gym.. which I finally started back at.. YEAH ME!!!

oh.. and Im not on a diet.. Im on a life changing mission!!!!

Thirsty Thursday..

heading to the local watering hole tonight and Im going to have a nice glass of wine.. cuz a glass of wine is only 4 points on weight watchers.. now lets hope that I dont smoke too.. cuz they kind of go hand in hand... but I can DO IT!!!!

Ok boys & girls.. enjoy your weekend..

Monday - Woo Hoo!!

2008-02-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

Monday's I usually wake up with the dread of the beginning of a working week.
Today however, I woke up, rejuvinated!

I got my hair cut on Thursday, and it's taken me 4 days to figure out how I like to fix it.
I walked out of the beauty parlor that night and thought I was going to die!!! D I E!!!
I wanted to cry, my hair looked so awful! I should of known tho, because they always fix your hair the way they want to, and well , it never quit looks good..

But, it's been 4 days and I love it now! The girls at work even said that I dont look so "bitchy" anymore.. that it makes me look softer.. LOL.. I had to laugh at that, what does that comment tell you about my personality???

Ive lost another 2lbs.. YEAH ME!!! I put on a shirt this morning that I bought 3 weeks ago.. havnt worn yet, but it's been hanging in my closet.. so I put it on this morning, and it literally just hung on me.. YEAH!!!!
I mean it was depressing, cuz I dont really have the money to be throwing around w/clothes.. but since the tags were still on it, Im taking it back and getting a smaller size.. then I put on a differant shirt that used to be to tight, and damn I look HOT today... LOL..

Other than that.. Im in a fantastic mood today.. amazing what a total of 15lbs weight loss will do to a person!!!

35 more to go and maybe just maybe I will post a scantly clad picture of myself.. or.. then again maybe not.. we shall see....

Peace everyone!!!
Oh yeah.. Today is day 16 of not smoking too!!!!
Damn.. when it shines, the sun is BRIGHT!!!

The watcher of weight

2008-02-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

I weighed in on Saturday.. Im pleased to announce, I lost 7.4 lbs!

Now.. Ive also been sicker than a dog this last week. Ive had the damn flu.. so I havent wanted to eat.. but I really dont care.. 7.4lbs.. is 7.4lbs!!

In other news.. I got nothing..

Went to the Portland Zoo yesterday.. it was ok.. nothing overly exciting.. there's a pic of the one of the Orangatangs.. aint he cute!!!

I have no life..

I really need to get a life..

this flu kicked my ass.. Im still exhausted, my energy has just been sucked outta me.

Ok.. well I guess that's all I got..

take care, and I will touch base this week!!

The Fat Ass Report

2008-02-07T10:01:00.001-08:00

It's really hard for me to blog, when there is nothing in my life to blog about...
which makes it a pretty sad moment when I realize that my life consist's of work, home, laundry, cook dinner.. sit and watch T.V. Sit, sit, sit, sit... repeat.. weekends arnt much different.

Then I started realizing, that holy wow.. my ass is HUGE!
Huge I tell ya.. OMG.. Im going to need to install a signal for when I back up
beep, beep, beep, beep.
That's not to mention the size of my gut! My boobs use to be bigger than my tummy..
now, well, lets just say the tummy is gaining ground.. the boobs are still poking out further, but not for long!

So, tonight I start Weight Watchers. My first meeting, so that they can confirm that yes.. I am a fat ass.

You see.. I love to eat.. no you dont get it.. I mean I LOVE to eat.
I eat when Im happy
I eat when Im sad
I eat when Im bored
I eat when Im angry
I eat when I need to be comforted
I eat to eat.
I grew up in a household where food was always around, it was socially acceptable to eat.
Fried egg & ham & cheese sandwhiches on Sunday afternoon's while watching football, sitting on the couch with Dad, and that was always followed with.. "that was good.. make me another one" from Dad, so what would I do??? I would get up, and make another round for he and I!

My Grandmother lived w/us, and there was ALWAYS dessert after dinner, homemade apple & rhubbarb pie w/vanilla bean ice cream. Homemade bananna bread every morning for breakfast, homemade zuchinni bread, homemade rolls, cake's, pies, cookies... you get the picture?

My eating habits didnt get any better as I got older... I have always fought my weight.. it's always fluctuated..up - down... up-down...up-down.. I think the only time I was truly skinny was when I was strung out on meth for those 4 yrs.. and that was a drug induced skinniness...

Now.. I cant turn to meth.. I cant afford it for one! LOL..
and for two.. it's NOT an option!!!!

So.. Im off to weight watchers.. it's not a "diet" it's a "life change"

So here are the facts...
Im 35
Im 5'8 (or so)
drum roll please...
my weight has skyrocketed.. to 248 lbs!!!
Oh Wow..
that hurts!!!
I weighed myself on Sunday...
Today is Thursday..and Ive been following a strict point system all week...
So.. tonight I will see if it has helped at all....

So.. here is my battle.. I WILL loose 50lbs by October..
Im headed to Cabo.. and I WILL loose the weight..
I WILL hit the gym at least 2x a week!!!

Signing off..
Barney... w/The Fat Ass Report!

Insane Asylum ramblings

2008-01-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

It's sad, when you sit back and start analyzing your life.... Im 35 yrs old.. and I feel like I have accomplished none of the things in life that I would of like to of accomplished by now.
Yet, I have overcome so much in my life, that in a sense, I have over come so much.
I kicked drugs...
I finished school..
Got off the streets...
Have a great job (even if Im not impressed w/it at the moment)
I have 2 beautiful children.. when I was told at 16 that I would never carry a child to term

So why is it, that I am so unhappy with my situation?

******subject change******

2/8/08 - Im going to a Bi-gathering at a alternative lifestyle home. Hell, Im not sure exactly what you wanna call it. However, Im really excited.. oh oh.. it's a swinger party gathering place. I guess that's what you call it. So anyhow, this Friday they are having new couples night.. but I found out to late, so Im unable to attend.. but on the 8th, it's Bi female night.. and since that's what I want to explore.. Im going!!!!! I just hope that guys are invited too.. cuz Im NOT going by myself. Besides...I think he would get a total kick outta watching a couple girls go at each other.. LOL - and I think it would be a turn on, having him watch me and someone else playing around with each other.. cuz well that's the type of thing he's into..

That damn man is a drug.. I swear, I have tried and tried to brk it off w/him.
But, something draws me back to him. I dont know what exactly it is.. but something just keeps me coming back for more... the sex is FABULOUS.. but there's other things too.. I dont know... because I probably really should move on.. but he is helping me to explore things that I really am curious about.. then again.. I could end up in a shit load of trouble too..
gotta think on that...

And that's all I got..
Nothing else..

Im out
Peace

A statistical nightmare

2008-01-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

As I was speaking to a co-worker today about children and adolescence behaviour.
She made a statement to me that caused me to pause.

I was discussing how I had to go head to head w/my daughters school counselor and principal just to get her tested because all of the sudden her grades dropped and she went from an A student to a D-F student and I felt that the school was leaving her behind.

The co-worker states to me...
"There are very few women that intimidate me, and I can honestly say, you are one that does!"

It caused me to pause when she said this.
I wasnt sure how to re-act, or what to say..
I stood there, looked at her, and basically just moved on and said nothing.

So I then brought it up to another co-worker...
and I asked him...if he thought I was intimidating.. his reply is as follows:

Me: Seriously.. am I intimidating?
him: Physically as a guy no--for your brains yes at times
him: You are a statistical nightmare at times with your breadth of knowledge of things
him: and how quick you can spit them via memory
me: statistical nightmare.. LOL.. that's funny
Me: I just thought it was kind of a weird statement
Him: You can be menacing
me: menacing.. ???
me: Webster defines menacing as:a person whose actions, attitudes, or ideas are considered dangerous or harmful
me: Im a pussy cat
me: w/claws
him: Yes like when you play ping pong
me: LOL.. RIIIIIIGHT
him: I saw you threaten M with Physical violence
me: well yeah.. that's M tho..
Him: Yes but others would see that and then fear
me: only those that dont know me.. M just laughs at me

Ping Pong..one of our depts here in the office decided to put a ping pong table in the lunch room, and took it out as a dept expense.. not sure how they got that one ok'd.. but.. it's turned into a HUGE success...
Our office has aprox, 250+ employee's.. soooo... we have tournaments and when some of us get really stressed we head down and hit that little ball around. It's been a pretty interesting release, plus Ive met employees' I wouldnt normally meet..
So.. that's what he's talking about.. cuz I didnt know how to play ping pong.. and then M wanted to play one day so down we went, and I would threaten him.. hahah.. just cuz he's really good.. and me.. Not so much..

Ok..
Guess I should get back to work..

Peace!!!

2008 - new beginnings

2008-01-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

Every new year, you make resolutions to better yourself. To loose weight, clean the house, take better care of yourself, stop smoking, not drink so much, be nice to friends and family... blah blah blah..

This year.. Im making only one resolution...
To get intouch with myself better.... to explore my sexual nature.

Last February, I experienced my first bi-moment - is that what the techincal term would be?Not sure...
At first, I wasnt to keen on the idea, I wasnt sure if I would or wanted to even experience it.
But, as the evening wore on. The more I drank, the more the idea appealed to me.

Having another womens hands skimming my body was actually quit the afrodisiac.
Looking down, into a womens eyes, while she suckled on my breast, was something I never expected to find to be such a turn on.
Feeling her fingers, circle my clit, then to dart in and out of my hot, moist, wet..... well.. anyhow.. sorry, this isnt a porn site, but I think you get the picture...

Ive dreamt about the evening alot.. I mean, I had kissed women before, but it usually was during moments of complete and total drunkenness.. so it really never mattered, but the idea's had or have always been there.

I never did go down on her, I couldnt bring myself to do that, I guess I expected her to do all the work, but now, I think to myself.. I want to experience more (and damn could that women lick!!)
I did finger her, that was interesting.. to bring another women to climax just by my fingers. It was rather exhilirating... but, can I bring myself to bring her to climax w/my tongue? I dont know.. but it's something I need & want to explore.

So, this years resolution is to finally fulfill one of my "fantasy's"... for lack of a better term. Just thinking about it gets me excited. I guess Im finally ready to really explore a different side of my sexuality. Dont get me wrong... I still love men... but.. I find myself looking at women in a different light. I look at their breast's, their lips, their hands. How they look, how they smell.
Their voices, manner of speach... it's a turn on.

So.. Im bi curious. It's not a bad thing, and Im really looking forward to exploring this.
Im looking forward to seeing if what Im missing in life, that piece that is missing during sex, that over all fulfillment.. Im looking forward to seeing if it's the same w/a women.

So.. I will keep you updated - for those that are curious....and for those that this gross's you out.. well sorry.. there's an X up in the right hand corner that can take you out of here - lickity split..no pun's intended...

Happy 2008!

Tagged and Im it!!!!

2008-01-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

Ok Weekends.. here ya go..

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.Seven random/weird facts about me...

1) I love my soda (when I drink it) room temperture.. I can NOT stand my soda cold..
same w/my water.. it has to be room temp..

2) When I scoop ice cream out of the carton into my waiting bowl.. I have to pop it into the microwave for 10-15 seconds....

3) I pick my toes... I know I know.... gross gross gross... but I love to dig at my toenails, and clean out all the "gunk" before I go to bed

4) I work in an office full of about 30 people.. some days it's like working in a morgue.. sooo.. I will pop off loudly singing show tunes.. such as "Love Boat" or "The Great Space Coaster"

5) Im a finger tapper.. Im always tapping my fingers against, desks, cups, steering wheel what ever is there and will make noise

6) Im a popper (just like weekends) my knuckles, knees, back, toes, neck.. anything to release the stress

7) The kids and I have fart wars... so far my daughter has the longest...... the boy has the stinky, eye's watering, burn the back of your throat.. and well mine.. LOUD!!!!

Thank you all for reading...
Im not gonna tag anyone.. but.. if you want to play along, leave it in my comments.. sometimes it's fun to learn about your fellow blogging buddies!!!!

**************************************************************************************

Christmas turned out pretty good.. amazingly enough

We had our family Christmas part on the 21'st.. it's not a Christmas w/out at least one family argument.. and this year was not a let down.. my brother and his wife had a huge falling out about 3 days prior to our family party.. it was HUGE.. he moved out even... sides were being chosen, new arrangments for the family get together were being made...

When I finally called an end to it!!! I told both of them to let go and move the hell on.. this wasnt the time of year to be arguing and trying to have sides drawn.

Amazingly enough, all turned out well.. and we had a FABULOUS time...

Christmas Eve... nothing to write home about.. didn nada..
Christmas Morning.. the ex mom in law came over to watch the kiddies open up presents, then when she left, we headed over to other relatives to open up presents..
It actually snowed Christmas Day afternoon.. to the point where I was snowed in and had to stay the night.. so my brother and I drank, laughed and then we all played the game of Life.. another family tradition.. it was a good day..

New years.. I drank to much at the Casino.. and was walking thru yelling Happy New Year, and then I would walk up to random groups of men, and say something stupid like "Hey.. I can blow"
and blow into my little noise maker.. I found this to be absolutely hilarious..ok ok.. stupid I know.. but hell.. Im old and have to get my kicks somewhere.. :)

And now Im back at work.. trying to find the... uummmpppfffff to get a move on..

Happy 2008 everyone.. I hope this year brings all of you great memories...
Good times.. and enjoyment!!! not to be confused w/pure joy!!!!

East Coast Wind - freezing!!!!

2007-12-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

Tis the season for all the weird things in life to come out of the wood.

Why is it, that the minute I start thinking of him, he rears his ugly head with in a week?

Wil has returned. Oh Im so thrilled. I dont want him in my life, I dont want him around me. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see him. I dont want him around our daughter. I cant stand him. So explain to me, why is it that he mentions why he moved out of state, was becuase of his girlfriend. That I get insanly jealous? Please someone explain to me, why my heart rate speeds up, why I can feel the blood rushing thru my veins, why I cant breath. And why oh why do I get so damn mad!????

He makes me so angry! He gets me so infuriated!
Yet.. Im jealous of him?

I know the why's..
honestly I do..
Let me explain to you the whys.. and tell me.. why?

He has freedom... he is able to come & go as he pleases. No responsibilities. No bills (well Im sure he has them he just doesnt pay them) he moves around, carefree, goes where he wants. Does what he wants, when he wants, w/whom he wants, how he wants.
No one is dependant upon him.
No one is looking to him for all the answers.
No one is making him be the adult.
No one following him around excpecting him to fix everything.

Yeah... that's why... that's exactly why. It angers me.. OH God.. does it anger me!

I have given up so much of who I am for my children. I have given up so much to put a roof over their head, food in their stomach, clothes on their back. But that's what a parent does! That's what I do.. That's who I am! A mother. Because I choose to be!

But you know what. Im loved.. and my kids in turn are loved. I would NEVER give up what I have, to have what he has, Or what he doesnt have.
He doesnt have the love of his daughter. Which I couldnt imagine not looking into her eyes everynight before bed. Not being able to hear those words out of her mouth every morning "I luv ya mom"
I imagine its a very lonely life that he lives.

I couldnt imagine not having my loves.

So why then am I angry still? Im where I want to be in life.
Im where I NEED to be in life.

Because the man I fell in love with 12 yrs ago, no longer exist's.
The man that I was suppose to live the rest of my life with... died
The man that he is today.. is a stranger.

Life has a funny way of making you wake up and realize the important things.
I have no reason to be angry. I choose not to date.
I have chosen to live my life the way I do, because I put my full attention on my children.
That's my choice. That's who I am. It's what I want. It's where I need to be!

The day will come, when he realizes how much he has lost.

So.. tell me.. why I feel so angry still????

There's a snot monster in my nose

2007-12-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

I woke up w/a damn head cold this morning.

Of course I did... I should of known that it would attack me sooner or later. I mean, nothing else was going remotely well!

What I wouldnt give right at this very minute to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers up over my head take some nightime crap and just pass the fuck out!

Oh no.. instead Im sitting here at work, freezing my ass off.. however I did take some narcotic in out of the company medicine chest and now feel like my head is floating 10 feet above my shoulders. So maybe, just maybe this day could be remotely entertaining.

That would be if I couldnt get that asshole outta my mind. I know I know I know..
why am I putting so much damn thought into him? Why is it w/him, I give a shit?
Yet w/my beneficial guy I dont put any thought into him? What the hell was/is the difference?
Please explain to me.. cuz I am driving myself fucking insane over this!!!!!!!

Stupid....Stupid....Stupid.....Stupid.... Stupid.....Stupid!!!!

Ok..I will stop I promise..

I have so much Christmas shopping to do still..I have only purchased like 3 gifts.. and I am so NOT in the holiday cheer this year.. let alone coming up w/the damn money for the holiday cheer.. oh well.. liquor always brings great holiday cheer...haha...

gonna go heat up my lunch now..

Happy Thursday.. and all that jazz!!!

One Bud Lite and a fluffy tree

2007-12-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

Well, the day was a bit brighter as I woke this morning.
After long hours of thought last night, and a mild break down, Im feeling better.. just sleepy...

The kids and I went and got the Christmas tree.. it was very humorous Im sure if you would of seen us driving home w/a Christmas tree bungee corded to the top of my wee little
Jetta... the kids decorated the tree, as I sat and watched them drinking a nice
ice cold Bud Lite (by the way I hate Bud Lite.. but for some reason I have a 6 pack in the fridge)

At one point, we had to take a "safety" from each other.. which is our word when things get a little out of hand.. someone yells' "safety" and we all go to our respective rooms and chill for 15 min. Then come out and "communicate" about what happened and how we currently feel.

So.. the boy yelled SAFETY... and the kids went to their rooms.. and I cleaned up the dog piss.. which is why the boy yelled safety.. cuz the dog got freaked out by the tree...and pee'd in the dinning room because.. she's a stupid little black bitch..and pee'd on the fucking floor... and Mommy dearests head spun around and I lost it.. because the dog pee'd.. and the kids were arguing, and because the dog pee'd..ok.. honestly.. it was because of my actions over the weekend..
oh..hold on..I must breath and calm down...

Anyhow... things got better.. the tree is up..Im missing a huge box of decorations...
the tree topper, the tree skirt, my stocking holders.. plus the stockings... doesnt really surprise me.. nothing seems to surprise me anymore.

so.. I did some thinking last night, and while I watched the kids decorate the big fluffy, I dont like it tree.. I thought.. you know what.. it was just a "thing"
It happened.. so be it.. it was just a thing..

ok.. lets be honest here.. I had a HUGE thing for this guy.. I actually started to fall in.. oh Im not gonna say it, but the word starts w/an L.
I could of so easily, but, something went wrong, and we went our separate ways. And w/in a few weeks of he and I splitting, he was back together w/his ex and engaged to get married. It hurt, but it wasnt a painful hurt like Ive had in the past. Which makes me think that maybe just maybe I was more in love...with the thought of being in love.
Huge possibility... must think deeper on that one.

Anyhow... where was I?
wow.. Ive got issues...
so yeah.. as Weekends says... there just service dogs.. thank you so much.. I absolutely LOVE that choice of words.
and T too.. thank you both for your support.. I needed it....

Yep..Im single, and honestly for the most part Im ok with it...there are times I dont want to be single, and I honestly think it's only during the Christmas season. But then again... it would just end up costing me more..hahahaha....

Ok all.. Happy Tuesday.. Happy days.. and all that crap..
I probably should get some work done..

TTFN..
Peace

Im a whore :(

2007-12-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

I have been completely slacking in my post's, things have been so damn crazy that I just havnt had time to get to the really important things in life, and that being keeping all of you updated on my poor existance of life.

So... grab your favorite beverage and here we go!

The guy that I met at the bar, whom I supposedly went to high school with.
I didnt make it to dinner with him, since I found out all that scoop on him I decided that he was gonna cook me dinner at his house (just to see if he would and how he would weasel his way out of it)
At first he was all agreable about it, then around 4:45 on that day he called and told me that he couldnt because his cat got sick all over his front room floor and he just didnt want me at his house, and he wanted to get it all cleaned up before he had me over.
I offered to bring over my steam vac and help him clean it, but that offer was shot down.. gee..I wonder why?
So... I showed up at his door anyway (dumbass gave me his apt #)
knocked...got know answer, knew he was there cuz his car was.
I went over to the managers and sent him a txt message and told him where I was, and that I figured he was in the shower and to let me know when he was done and that I had brought the steam vac... you will never guess what happened.!!!????
He called, said that he had an "emergancy" w/his dad and had to go take care of him.
Supposedly his dad is dying of cancer and needs alot of assistance.
I say supposedly... because my friend knows daddy-dearest... and he's in remission and is doing great!!!

Well...needless to say, by this time I was done playing - there was just to much effort being put into something that was going nowhere. So I told him that I knew everything and he needed to just come clean. He finally did, sort of... gave me a very wide version of everything.... it boiled down to him not being happy w/his current situation and I guess wanting something on the side.
Told him good luck w/that and dont call, dont txt, and if he ever saw me out and about.. pretend he didnt even know me.

I suppose I could of been a lot ruder.. but, Ive come to the realization that sometimes I spend to much energy on trying to hurt people. Why? Why do I feel the need to be so vicious?
What do I gain out of it in the end? Well beside self-satisfaction?
there is something obviously wrong with me!

On other news...
The kids are doing great. We started family counseling, it's part of the program that the boy is on. Im hoping it will help all of our issues. Cuz, come on... everyone has issues.

Oh..Im a whore..
I worked my second job all weekend, so the wee ones were w/their cousins and gone from the house. So.. Friday night my "friend" came over for dinner.. and then we um.. enjoyed each other.
Then Saturday night.. I ran into an ex... ex ex.. from like 6 yrs ago..
and well.. yeah.. I did..
WTF?
Im such a whore.. what the hell is wrong with me?
It's almost like Im trying to re-establish myself.
Whats that old saying.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Which brings me to another thought..
to put it bluntly..
What..Im good enough to fuck.. but not good enough to have a relationship with?
Good lord.. now Im feeling even lower than low..
Im a dirty rotten whore. slut. easy. whatever you wanna call it.

oh well.. the anger is setting in again
I feel it seeping into my pours.
must be because of the holidays.
Im so NOT int Christmas this year... just have no desire to participate.
I havnt even decorated. No tree, no decorations. No nothing.

Whats wrong with me?

Home of the webbed feet!!!

2007-12-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

Well, if you have been watching the weather reports on the news, some of you have seen that Western Washington has been hit w/some rather irate temper tantrums from Mother Nature.

But, alas, we are all good to go, just thought I would share a few pictures of my local vicinity that flooded.....

Aint it pretty...

then again, none of you would EVER guess what the weather is doing right now..

Come on.. guess..

first 3 guess's dont count..

OMG.. how did you know..

It's raining!!!!

Take care.. stay dry..

buh bye!!!!

Ramblings of the Insane

2007-11-28T09:44:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone... I apologize for not posting earlier.. but things have just been crazy & ongoing.
So.. grab your favorite beverage & a snack, sit down, put your feet up and lets talk!

1)
Took the boy to court... and it actually wasn't all that bad. It's a 9month probation, if he gets in alot of trouble during those 9months, then it will be longer. However, the judge didn't feel that my son was over the top. So we have to go to court again in January, until then we have to attend family counseling. Now, if the counselor and I could just meet up and stop playing phone tag. Since court, the boy has been really good, although he did have a small issue at school which caused him to receive an emergency expulsion. However I ripped the principle a new ass, because Wonder Boy & another student were horse playing in the hall way and the other kid went to kick Wonder Boy, who in turn grabbed his leg, twisted and the boy went down and hit his head on the hard floor.... yes, I understand that it shouldn't of been happening, but hell boys will be boys, it was unintentional... and Wonder Boy felt so so so bad.. the kid went to the hospital to make sure he didnt have a concussion (thank god he didnt..it's a sue happy world)
Well, the principle kicked Wonder Boy out before even gathering all the facts.. that ticked me off... and I said my piece.. and he was back in school after the Thanksgiving Holiday.
So.. we are off to a GREAT start!

2) I started my second job. Oh it's great to work with the public again.
God how I hate people. I thought this time of the year was suppose to bring out love, peace, and good will among people? NOT!!!
It's been a a true test of my patience... Two customers got into a fight w/each other and it took everything I had not to bitch slap them both. I just looked at them both.. said in my most chipper voice.. " tis the season to be jolly" and turned and walked away. If they wanna cat fat, go at it.. have fun.. but you being a couple of bitches will only make me NOT want to help you!
I worked 20 hrs last week... and then this week Ive only worked maybe 4... I really really need those hours.. stupid me, didnt go and figure out what I was making per hr, I swear.. if it's just minimum wage, is it worth it? If I knew how to waitress I would go get a waitress job at some bar.. but I suck at math.. soooooo... that's a no...

3) My girlfriend who is unhappily married.. finally told her husband how she feels (sadly she chose Turkey evening to do so)
not sure what's gonna come of it, but he seems to be blaming me for it. whatever.. I dont really care.. I call their house he answers and if she's not home he will tell me then hang up on me. I know he's hurting but come on.. grow the fuck up! Or am I being to harsh? Either way..it's not my deal and Ive told her she's going about it wrong. But it's her life.. it's not my place to tell her how to live it. Right? Right!!!

4) I ran into a guy I went to high school with. I vaguely remember him. According to him I hid out in his parents boat that was in their backyard my freshman year of high school, again I barely remember this. Anyhow.. ran into him at the bar ( Im starting to think Im turning into a weekend alcoholic) we danced, we talked, we laughed, we danced, we kissed.... and OMG.. it was a kiss that was really good...
So we've been talking since then, haven't seen him, just talking, were suppose to go to dinner tonight. But Im having reservations....
I cant stand his voice.. is that superficial? Some say it is, but his voice is so.. uummm... soft.. it's almost as if he never went thru puberty. My voice is deeper than his. But he's a supper nice guy, well from what I can tell, I understand it's to early.
This brings up a whole mess of other issues.

Do I want a relationship? I have so much other shit going on in my life Im not sure if Im ready to invest in something with anyone right now.
My ex did a real number on me. It's almost as if Ive been ruined for any other man. I have become such a hard ass, cold, unemotional towards others. Verbally abusive to men. It's not really who I am, it's a defense mechanism. I honestly don't think I can put myself out there and risk my heart. If I still have a heart. I don't even know anymore.
I have become such an angry person. I don't trust men, I don't believe in what they say, don't believe anything that comes out of their mouths.
When did I become such an angry person?

5) The company is still up for sale.. Any buyers out there?
Nothing new on that front.. they have put packages together for everyone.. but not sure exactly what is what. More on that when I figure out what is going on!!

Ok.. I guess I should get back to work.. hope you enjoyed your favorite drink...talk to ya'll soon.

Peace

********THIS JUST IN*********

So.. I did some investigation work.. true example of why I dont trust men.
We will call him Cowboy...
anyhow.. the apartment complex where he currently resides, is managed by a friend of a friends, so I had my friend call and see if she could get any dirt.
Well guess what!!! He's living w/his fiance.
Yep.. that's right...
He's been fucking playing me... and I dont deal well with that.
Now, this is a very fine line that Im walking, because... she shouldnt of given me any information.
So.. I cant just come right out and say anything, cuz she could loose her job.
So... I think a little evilness will need to come into play...
So.. Im gonna tell the apartment manager to say that she's friends w/me... and that she found out what he's been doing.. and tell her where we are suppose to meet for dinner tonight and have her show up.

Moral of the story.. dont fucking play me. Cuz I wont be played!!!!!
I always win!!!
Will let you all know how it turns out tomorrow...
Cheers!!!

Funny?

2007-11-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

I need something lite and funny in life..
Nothing really lite & funny has happened lately. Which is rather sad.

Sunday evening my dear friend and I decided to go out and have a dinner and drinks ;)
I should of known that dinner and drinks would mean starting at 6ish, and ending up at the local watering hole. Little did I realize, that at 11:ish... I was toasted.. I'm really starting to sound and feel like a drunk..
The kids stayed the weekend w/their cousins, up on the hill, I say the hill, cuz they live on the side of the Capital Rain Forest and have all this acreage to run and roam and well be free, kids, playing in the creek, climbing tree's and just being.
We all needed a break from each other.

Anyhow...
Back to Sunday evening.. I honestly didn't mean to head out and get intoxicated... I don't even remember drinking that much.. but.. I guess I did, cuz by the time she dropped me off at home, I got into bed, and the room started spinning, so I got up and made myself the ultimate drunken fair.. peanut butter & raspberry jelly...nummers!!! That settled my tummy and I passed out.

Now, a little more (from what I remember from the evening)

My dear friend is married.. very unhappily so.. but married non-the-less
She met another guy.. and has been carrying on an emotional attachment for a little over a month. Now, she wants advice or the ok to cheat on her husband.. she says she needs a "reason" to leave him...
Never mind the fact that she is extremely unhappy.. they have no communication between the two of them, he doesn't do any housework, he cant even make a fucking Dr's appt for their daughter. He works, and he figures that that's all he needs to do. He's 9 yrs younger than she is, (she's 34 he's 26) and is so damn arrogant that it drives me nuts. He and I get along to a point, until he irritates me and I tell him to shut up.. I put up w/him because of her.. I kind of half to I figure.

Anyhow.. she cant stand it when her husband touches her, kisses her, or try's to engage in sex with her. She says it makes her physically ill.
I cant help her, I have tried and tried to give her advice.. but who am I to give someone advice on their marriage.. I'm not married, I have never been married.. I guess I have always figured if your that damn unhappy then leave.. just get up and go. But cheating is not the answer. But she is hoping that this guy will be the reason for her to leave her marriage. I yelled at her Sunday night, as we were sitting in the bar... to stand on her own two feet, to stop being so damn co-dependant.. to be who she needs to be w/out someone else to drag down.

I feel for her.. but can I really condone what she wants to do?

SUBJECT CHANGE:

I take the boy to court tomorrow.. we stand in front of a judge and I tell the judge what has been going on and why I want him on this program. Then on Friday we have a social worker coming to the house, to talk w/all three of us. I'm starting to wonder if Ive done the right thing. We have to go thru 8 weeks of counseling as a family, which is great but w/a social worker from the state? What does that mean? I guess I'm paranoid that at any time they could not like my parenting style and then all the sudden my kids become a ward of the state. Which over my damn dead body! I brought those happy little children into this world, only one whose gonna take them out is me!!!!
I love my kids.. but am I doing whats right?
And once he gets into this program, how the hell do I get him out of it? Damn, I guess I should of asked that question. OH Crap... I'm so damn stupid!!!!!

SUBJECT CHANGE:

Company meeting today.. our division is up for sale.. there are 3 categories of what our employment could turn out to be

1) current employee... remaining an employee once we are purchased
2) current employee... remaining until after the purchasing, and then being let go
3) terminated

there are packages that come with each category...
if the severance pay is good..I'm so outta here!!!! I'm bored in my job..bored..bored...bored..
I think I'm ready to head back to school and get my nursing degree..
I mean..why not.. either that, or I'm gonna go become a cop.. at least then I could take my aggression out on some ass hole that pisses me off ;)

Ok.. well Ive had enough of this day..

I'm out of here

Peace!!!

TGIF

2007-11-09T10:55:00.000-08:00

Ok.. just a few random things..

1) Weekends.. I tried to log into your blog, but it says that I have to be invited in?
2) I got a second job, I start Tuesday.. I will be shooting people for a living.. can u guess what I will be doing?
3) It's hotter than hades in this fucking building!!!
4) We had a potluck today at work.. and OMG.. Im so freakin full!!!
5) We had puppies Monday... only 2.. but Mamma and both puppies are healthy

Took the boy child to his appt last Friday, and he has been a SAINT this week... well as good as a the devil in a saints disguise anyway. All of his teachers have been very impressed with his positive behavior. We have court on the 15th, go in front of a judge and I get to explain to him why I feel he should be on thsi program, and then the boy has a chance to redeem himself, then the judge hands down his ruling on whether or not he is going to be on it (the counselor already said he will be)

So, if wee boy child fucks' up, he has major consequences.... such as community service hours, detention, work crew, additional essays. If he continues to screw up at school, and the school kicks him out, then he will have to attend school thru juvenile hall, in a cement room, w/a guard.. no lunch break, you eat at your desk, no outside time... 8am-4pm
Needless to say, he's been an angel!

We have a tour of the juvenile facilities on the 13th.. Im making the girl child go too, because she has been having a bit of an attitude problem lately too. That cute little girl act isnt cutting it anymore!

Mamma is D O N E!!!
Thankfully they understand that now.

Ok.. well peace everyone, the weekend is here and I think Im gonna sneek outta work early..

Insane in the Membrane

2007-11-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

boy child update:
I left work yesterday and had an impromptu meeting w/the principle.. he wasn't able to get an officer to come to the school to talk to my child.. I know huh... what kind of police do we have??? But between the principle and myself we did find out that there is a program thru the local juvenile hall called "At risk youth" we have an appointment today at 3. My son however thinks he is being put into juvi this afternoon.. and I ain't telling him any different!!!
He was P E R F E C T last night.. OMG.. he cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, started a fire, folded the laundry.. all with out being told..

Yeah.. that's what I said, all with out being told..

As I was sitting in my chair, watching some tv.. he crawled into my lap.. told me he loves me and that he's truly sorry.. and that he will turn things around.. I looked at my child, and literally felt my heart snap in two.. but.. I had to stand strong.. be firm.. I said that words mean nothing.. actions speak louder.. to prove to me that he will change, because it's not to late.. and I have complete faith in him to do so!
So.. we shall see.. everyone cross your fingers that the young punk snaps the fuck outta whatever he's in!!!

*****subject change*****

As I was driving to work this morning, I was taken back in memory to a time long long ago.. well to a few times long long ago..
I was just barely 18... getting engaged for the first time.. to my high school sweetheart. (Yeah.. first time Ive been engaged 4x..explanation to come) we were so in love, but seriously who knows about love at 18? I remember Valentines day.. 1989 - he brings a briefcase out of his house, get's into my car and tells me to drive out to old military rd... we get there.. the moon was full and bright, the air was crisp & clean, and I swear you could hear the wolves howling in the background. He pulls out the briefcase and opens it, and puts a table cloth over the hood of the car, a candle in an old green bottle, a bottle of champagne, and two champagne glass's... as we are both leaning over the car.. he looks at me, tell's me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and asks me to be his wife... I said yes.. I'm not gonna tell you what happened after that, I'm sure ya'll can figure it out..
a few months later, he left for college in Arizona... and I freaked out... I started doing meth again, day in and day out.. it was the only way I could control my emotions.. and then.. I started seeing someone else (my son's father) when my "fiance" came home, cuz he was kicked out of school.. I ended things with him.. and he befriended my best friend at the time.... little do I know, she was madly in love with him. Her and I worked together, I remember the day that I found out they were dating... we were sitting on brk, and she was talking to me about him, but not telling me his name, just this guy this.. this guy that.. I figured it out...it was a huge blow up between us, she broke that unspoken cardinal friendship rule, never date your BF's ex.

To make a long story short.. I got over my hatred, because seriously, what's more important.. good friends, or some guy? The best part was, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to him! I was 6 months pregnant w/my second child, and parts of his family was completely blown away that I was there.. the bride and I had great laughs at that!!!! We've lost touch over the years... but found memories are still there.

My second engagement... was just assumed... we had a child together, so we assumed that we would get married.. My son's father.. We had been together for awhile, I was 20 when I got pregnant..just barely 21 when he was born.. he was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for 5 weeks after birth.. right after he came home.. his dad left to move to another state for a job, I was suppose to follow.... after he left for unknown lands I came to the realization that I didn't love him and had no desire to leave everything and everyone I knew. So..I made the phone call that would end everything. I hate to admit it, but it wasn't a huge loss to me.. maybe to my son.. but not to me. I mean, wasn't it better for me to be happy than unhappy?

My third engagement:
Oh wow.. where to start.. Mike... I met him via my mother. He worked for her, and he and I struck up a friendship first.. nothing more.. we would talk for hours on the phone, and when we were able to get together, it was like two best friends. Then one night things took a turn of events and we found out that we were more than just friends. With in a few short months I had finally found the love of my life.
He cherished me and my son. He treated him as if he was his own. His mother even made my son a Christmas stocking. It was beautiful. I had a 1/4 marque cut diamond on my ring finger, we had the date set... we had the invitation picked out, the down on the hall, we had everything ready to go. Our Mothers got along (well for the most part..LOL) we were dress hunting..
He was a weekend warrior.. meaning, he was in the Army Guards, and he had gone away during the summer for a 2 week retreat.. when one morning I woke up.. realizing... it wasn't ment to be.

As I layed in my bed, watching the sun stream thru the window and listening the outside world waking up. I realized, I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I realized that he deserved to be happy with someone who could return that love. I realized that I couldn't go thru with a marriage. I realized that I needed to cut him free.
So I did... I walked away from him... and allowed a piece of my heart to go with him.
That broke my heart, letting Mike go.. to this day 12 yrs later I miss him and I wonder what would of happened, how would my life would of turned out. I wish I could find him. To apologize. To see him one last time and actually say goodbye. We didn't split on good terms. But who could honestly blame him. I still think of him fondly.

I had a brief interlude w/my neighbor shortly after this... a rebound thing. But.. he pulled the "I love you" right out of the gate. No sex was had between he and I...as he was saving himself for marriage (admirable huh) I got scared and ended that really quick... which was hard too, as he lived directly across from me.. so we would see each other alot.. but.. it was for the best.

My fourth engagement:
For those of you that have been reading my blog.. you know who this is. My daughters father...
The man I fell in love with.. is NOT the man of today.. the man I fell in love with no longer exist's. Let me tell you about who he used to be.
He was funny, charismatic, intelligent, trust worthy, dependable, loving, kind, considerate, strong... he was all that I had ever wanted in a life partner. He asked me to marry him on Christmas eve.. 1995.. I said yes.. and w/in an extremely short time.. my world changed.

At first it was there were subtle hints, words that ended up having a lasting affect. Words that I didn't realize until to late were so cutting. Then the hands. At first it was just a grab of the arm to pull me to where he wanted, to do what he wanted...when he wanted, how he wanted. Then there came the sexual "guidance" I will call it. To perform how/when/where.. no was not allowed. I was segregated from friends and family. I was emotionally and mentally put down. My will was bent to his liking.

It took me 4 long years to realize the hell that i was living in. The day came when I woke up and became strong. Some of it's still to painful to re-live. To think about all that happened would bring back pain and memories that I don't wish to re-live.

The brain is a phenomenal thing, the things that are locked w/in could scare your average person. My own personal nightmare. Its almost as if part of my brain knows when to release a memory. Knows when I am strong enough to accept and handle it.

I understand why I released 2 of my engagements.. my second one.. I didn't love.. I realized that..
My fourth.. was NOT ment to be..

I think I released my first one because it dawned on me that I was to young..
But.. why did I release Mike? What truly was the issue?
I did love him. Well, I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him. I probably.. could of.. loved him more over time...

I guess all this makes me wonder.. do I know what love is?
Can I accept love when it's given to me?
What am I afraid of?

Disclaimer - bad words ahead!

2007-11-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Life has a way of just spiraling out of control like a roller coaster ride... there are only 3 occupants on this roller coaster... two kids in the front car.. and the haggard mother in the last car.. whom cant decide if she should lock the seat belt.. or just let the fate of the gods take it's course.
On one hand, to just sit in the seat and hold on is an option... I mean seriously, whats the worse that could happen... I fall out, and split my skull open, but hell, knowing my luck I would survive it be normal minus the bashed in skull and would have to live out my remaining days on earth looking like some Halloween project gone bad.

Or.. I could buckle up and sit tight and just let all the bullshit wash over me. But seriously, how much bullshit can one person really take? How much before a person just finally breaks down and looses control... claims sanity..or just goes ape shit on another person?

No, life isn't always so fucking dramatic. Sometimes its' all peaches & roses, sweet & nice and everything oh so very nice. But when it rains.. I'm telling ya.. it fucking pours & fucking pours and fucking pours until Katrina looks like mild bath water. Some days are worse cluster fucks than others, but I suppose you take it day by day it's bound to get better.. right? RIGHT!!!

So here's a little of what's going on:

Romance.. I thru cold water on it.. to many weird ass happenings.. and I'm not happy w/myself or my life right now, so how was I gonna even attempt to try to make someone else happy... if I'm not happy, no one else is gonna be.. so fuck it.. that's over.

the boy child: I'm gonna strangle my son... he's done nothing but fuck up.. fuck up.. fuck up.. I feel like the worse mother in the world.. I obviously don't know how to parent.. he did 2 days of ISS (in school suspension) he was back for half a day in classes.. fucked up.. and suspended from school for a day.. oh he's back in today.. and I just got yet another fucking phone call.. and he's back in the office, because he decided to body slam another student.. so.. I told the principle to contact the police and let me know when they were coming.. maybe scaring the shit outta the kid will help! Or something.. cuz if I see him right now.. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him!!!
What did I do wrong? I got him tested for ADD... Dr said he's got it.. but mildly.. so he's on meds.. but really low dosage.. the kid just wont use the lump three feet above his ass.. the brain of his isn't there to be used as a wind tunnel..
So.. I told the principle to call the local police.. maybe some scare tactics will work..cuz I don't know what else to do.. they don't hand out handbooks when you walk outta the hospital

the girl child: OMG!!! she has become so damn argumentative... she just turned 11 and thinks she is ALWAYS RIGHT.. did I say ALWAYS... she will argue about anything.. she walks into my bathroom this morning, grabs my hair brush and tells me it's hers.. uummm excuse me... I try not to argue with her.. I really really do.. I try to reason.. or.. I just tell her to knock it off, I'm the mother.. the adult.. the ONE IN CHARGE... but it's like she doesn't hear me..
I have her in counseling, we are trying to figure out what the issues are..

Work: is a never ending source of entertainment & frustration
that's about all I can say about that. Company meeting a few weeks ago it was stated that our division is up for sale.. so hopefully I will have a job once the company sells.. or I will be hitting the job seeking road.. whatever.. either way I don't care at the moment... sad huh?

OK.. I think that's about it.. for now..
I should probably get to work.. sorry I was MIA for awhile..
but hey..I'm here now :)

I'm off to coffee myself up.. that always makes me feel better..

ttfn!!!

How do the pieces fit?

2007-10-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

How was everyone's weekend?

I decided that the the depression was no longer going to lead my life, so Saturday evening, I took my kids roller skating (for her birthday and she had 22 friends show up) and I decided I would re-live my glory years and put on a pair of skates! And I want it on record that I didnt do that bad! I mean, I did fall once all because the owner (who remembers me from 25 yrs ago when I used to live at the rink every Friday & Saturday night) made a comment to me, I turned around to acknowledge him and BAM.. down I went and now my right knee is swollen and bruised.. LOL but it was fun, other than that I skated and remembered that skating really is a work out!

My kids decided to head to their Aunt & Uncles that night, which was interesting as they havnt been to their house in months... so I ended up having the evening to myself so my good friend and I headed out. I danced, I laughed, I flirted, I got flirted with, told I was gorgeous and beautiful and HOT... that one cracked me up... but it made me realize that Im still me. Im still the same old me, no matter how old I get. Made me feel so much better! Oh..and I got carded..haha.. I guess I still look young...

After the bar, headed home and then decided to do some late night dialing.. bad bad Barney.. but it did turn out well, my beneficial friend showed up.. and we had a rather interesting conversation that I wasnt sure how to respond to.
We were standing in my kitchen... just talking, he was hungry (then again when arnt men hungry) so he was cooking himself something to eat, we were discussing all kinds of things.. from the Seahawks to relationships. He told me happy birthday, then stated that he had another 8 months to enjoy life, then he was going to start getting serious about marriage, that he made himself & his mom a promise that he would be married by the end of his 40th year.

Which brought up the conversation of what he was looking for in his life partner. As the conversation continued, him asking me my views on marriage, me asking him... he started to say something then stopped... said that he couldnt tell me whatever he was about to say..
I asked why not..
his words:
"Because someday you and I may be married and you would hold it over my head!"
HUH?
What?
Uh huh...
Then he proceeds to tell me how much he's missed me, and he's made some bad choices.
And well..then things got really good (wink wink)

The next morning..after I finally rouse him from bed.... oh yeah and the sleeping thing, OMG!!!! I have gotten so used to sleeping alone that Im not used to somone else sleeping right next to me.. and when I say right next to me I mean RIGHT next to me!!!
He had to be touching me.. dont get me wrong.. the occasional cuddle is fine.. but I do NOT like to be confined when I sleep..he had his leg over mine, his arm over me, and his head right on my pillow.. MY pillow.. King size bed people.. there is plenty of room for both of us.. get in your own damn space... I would move, he would move, I would try to move him.. he would pull me with him.. needless to say.. I didnt get much sleep.

So.. were standing in the kitchen, he's making some toast (yep.. hungry again) and he's just talking a mile a minute.. about this and that.. and so forth and so on..
when I look at him and say.. shut up... Im not a morning person.. dont talk to me until Ive had my coffee.. he knows this..
he says.. yeah.. Im talking alot.. this just means that Im really comfortable with you. Were gonna do well together.. this coming from someone I thought had an understanding of what we ment to each other.. and he kept telling me he missed me. Hey, buddy Ive been right here...
so I guess this just makes me sit back and realize that I dont know what I want..
what is it I want? Guess I better figure that out!!!

But what does any of THAT mean?
Men... they are so hard to understand... or am I putting to much thought into it?

Rain Clouds

2007-10-11T10:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my baby turned 11

My baby.. is no longer a baby...
Maybe it wasnt me turning 35 that Im taking so hard, it's my baby no longer being a baby that is causing distress.

My nose is barely above water. Im slowly drowning in circumstances that Im trying to control.
Between all the bills, and everything that the kids need and my job and my family. I can barely keep my nose above water.

I feel like just curling up.. is it depression?
What I feel like doing and what Im actually going to do, are two seperate things..
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to wallow in this self pity.
It just disgust's me that Ive allowed things to get as far as they have.
But everytime I turn around someone needs something, or something needs to be fixed.
Or it's just SOMETHING!!!!

Im taking it day by day. But, Ive never dealt with depression before so this is something totally and completly new for me. It really pisses me off that Im at this stage in my life. Then again it really pisses me off that Im not at the stage that I think I should be in my life.

Oh well.. a new day, a new dawn
New things..
I just need to stay positive.. positive that all will work out, positive that everything will turn out and positive that Im healthy, my kids are healthy, my family is healthy and that ya'll are healthy too.

Peace

From Strength

2007-10-05T11:56:00.001-07:00

In a few days I will find myself another year older.
Another year that has passed by me with out accomplishing what I wanted to set out to accomplish. Which in turn brings up the question, what did I want to accomplish by this age?

I was handed a 2 year college scholarship when I was 18. Paid in full, ready for my taking by an anonymous donor. A free ride.. and I fucked it away. I did go to college, for maybe a yr and half. But I was still in my drug induced state and I didn't maintain the grades that I should of, or followed any of the advice of my professors. I was more interested in where my next high was coming from. I wasted a huge opportunity.

I had children young, my first child was born just after I turned 21.. my second just days after my 24th. Yes, I had left the drug scene.. but I had no interest in pursuing my education. In a sense I was dead in side, I was working a job that I felt would take me all the way.

I floundered.. between being a Mother and trying to work. I didn't have a career.. I was a high school dropout, who obtained her GED, had less than 2 yrs of college under her belt, a recovering drug addict and who was stuck in a relationship that would result in me finally standing on my two feet with two young children looking solely to me for wisdom, encouragement, guidance, understanding and love.

How does a women, at such a young age, determine how to pass so many things on to her children when she cant even understand what her sole purpose is. I was a mother first. But, how could I love unconditionally when at times I hated myself? How could I pass on understanding and sympathy to my children when I was so full of hate? How can I teach my children any of the fundamentals of surviving when I wasn't even sure how to survive myself? I found myself at the age of 25, alone, raising children in a place that I had no friends, no family. No one to lean on in my own dispare. He was there, but he wasn't there, I withdrew into myself trying to find all the answers to questions I couldn't even ask myself.

I did find my own footing...after being so lost for so many years.. I finally found myself. I found out that I could stand alone, that I did know the questions but most importantly I found the answers that worked for me. I was able to listen to my inner self and judge what was right and wrong. To teach my children that it was OK to be scared. To stand up for what is right and what you believe in. To never back down and in no way were you allowed to let someone else choose for you what your path is. I found in myself the strength that I had lost.

I'm verging on my 35th birthday. I have not accomplished all that I thought I wanted to. But every day is a new dawn. Everyday I grow stronger. Everyday I teach my children a little more about strength, love, understanding, compassion, sympathy and all that is important to move forward into a unknown future.

No, I have not accomplished my dreams, but with out dreams what is the point of living? If you have achieved all your dreams, does that mean then that you are on deaths door? With out your dreams what will tomorrow bring?

My dreams are far from over. They will continue on thru my children when I finally do leave this world. But, until then I have my own dreams to complete.

My dream is to continue.
My dream is be....
My dream will not end
My dream is looking into the eyes of my children
We all have dreams..
Live them!!!!!

Freedom at last!!!

2007-09-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

Still nothing new to post..
Life is chugging along at a snails pace.
Current mood is: irritable.. restless...bitchy... I can feel it clawing at the surface, wanting freedom but I'm not allowing it to escape. It's a fine line between words that cut and fists that hurt but I'm holding my own. And I will WIN!!!

The ex is all over me like white on rice, and Ive had enough, so I did allow my venomous words attack him. When ever his life is not going well, he calls me whining about how "fucked" he is.
Like I care. He always does this while I'm at work, because he knows I will not react while I'm sitting at my desk. Well.. yesterday he caught me while a number of things were going on.
1) I'm sick.. I feel like shit, and I'm running a fever, but I cant take time off work..
2) I ache.. due to being sick
3) He is an asshat!!!

So.. I let loose, and my poor co-workers had to listen to me say things that only he should of heard such as:
"Your 37 yrs old, its time for you to put your big boy undies on and grow up. Stop harassing me and laying all the blame at my feet, I'm done.. no you may not stay with me for the next month. It's NOT an option, as I don't wish for you to step foot in MY home. Where I pay the bills, clean, sleep and eat. I have NO desire to be around you, see you, let alone talk to you. I'm D O N E!!!
You are the one who made all the decisions to raise your voice and fist's to me all those years ago, I am no longer the weak women that I once was. You want to threaten me, go right ahead... you can do it while you sit in a 10x10 cell behind locked bars.
Because as Ive said.. I'M DONE! "

I proceeded to hang up. I sat at my desk just seething.. and the room was so quiet, that I thought maybe, just maybe everyone had gotten up and left.. you could of heard a pin drop! Oh no. not that lucky, all the sudden I hear.. "Way to go" "good for you" and other words of congratulations and what nots... I guess I wanted my voice to be heard!

He called and left me a voice mail here at work last night, blaming his life and all his mistakes on me. His transgressions are all my fault. Him being a worthless piece of human flesh, my fault. Him not being able to maintain a steady job due to his lack of commitment, my fault. Him not being able to maintain a relationship between any of his kids (he's got 4 all different mothers) my fault. Yes, you guessed it... everything is my fault.
It's a tough burden to carry on ones' shoulders. The ill will of someone else, all their faults, their life being a sorry state of repair, and for the longest time his little poor me attitude used to get to me and I would carry it all around.

But I'm hear to say.. NO MORE!! I'M DONE!!! I'M FREE!!!
I will NOT be the one to carry around his guilt and his failure at being a productive member of society!

Im F R E E !!!!

Tuesday nada

2007-09-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

My last two post's have been random numbness entries..
because I have had nothing really to write about.. nothing to enlighten any of you
nothing to entertain you.. and sadly I still have nothing.

Although I do have some things on my mind.. Im not sure how to write what Im currently thinking about... how to form it all into words.. and coherant thoughts.
So.. if this post loses you. Im truly sorry.. but here goes.

Schools in, and Im busy..
with that being said.. Im also exhausted.
Where is the me time?
Ive lost me along the way.
Who am I?
What is my current goals in life?
Where is my enjoyment?
What is my enjoyment?
I just feel so lost!!!!

Life is good.. I mean I have my family & my health. I finally got all moved and me and the kids are good.
But.. who am I? Do you ever feel like you have lost a piece of you and w/out it you just cant seem to get motivated? To figure out what is missing, like it's an internal piece of your inner going ons? This piece of me that's missing, is it what keeps me going forward? Or because whatever is missing, is what is keeping me from moving forward? Because I just feel like I could curl up somewhere and just sleep.. for long long hours...days upon days..
Is it depression? And if so.. what do I have to be depressed about? I have the main concerns in life.. kids welfare, health blah blah blah...
home life.. bills.. blah blah blah.. other than that, nothing is out of sorts..
So whats my deal?
I just want to close my eyes.. and sleep..

Thought change:

An old friend of mine from days gone past contacted me. It was great to hear his voice and to catch up with him. He and I actually became friends because he married one of my good friends, but something happened, and like so many friendships.. it went wayside.. I would call.. talk to him, but she just all the sudden didnt want anything to do with me.. not sure why.. we live 6 hrs from each other, so our only communication was via phone.
Fast forward 3 yrs w/out a word from anyone, and he calls me outta the blue.. I guess they ended up divorcing (really sad, as they were a great couple) and he was headed to the Seattle area (Im outside Seattle) and wanted to meet up.
Well I wasnt in town that weekend, so we didnt get o meet up, but we have chatted on the phone and it was just great to re-connect with him. But I think I figured out what the deal was with his soon to be ex. Over the course of their relationship, he and I formed a strong bond ( I have always gotten along better w/men than woman anyway) and I did take his side in a few arguments that they had (this was back when they first got together and we all still lived in the same town) but damn it.. she was in the wrong and I did try to get her to see that.
Once I moved out of that state and headed back home.. I would call and he and I would just sit on the phone and chat and chat and chat. She was always to busy to talk to me, or wasnt home or whatever.. and her and my friendship dwindled to a nothingness existance.
But I think she may of thought that he and I ended up becoming more than friends? But how could that be possible? We never were.. I would never cross that line with a friend. NEVER....
hmmm.. it saddens me that they are no longer together, there are 3 children involved.. none together.. but he has 2 and she had 1. He did come w/his fair share of baggage into the relationship.. then again.. she had her fair share too..

Maybe it just wasnt ment to be.. the marriage for them..and our friendship too.. just makes me shake my head in wonderment..so many questions.. but no answers.

Thought change:

Lordy.. I dont feel well.. kind of feel like Im in some kind of fog world.

oh oh oh.. OMG.. I found a wolf spider crawling across my bathroom floor the other night.. that sucker was HUGE!!! I HATE spiders.. hate them, hate them, hate them.. this guy was so freaking big I about crawled out of my skin.. took everything I had not to scream like a little she-bitch.. cuz it was the middle of the night.. so yeah.. I had to scoop it up w/a wad of kleenex and flush him down the potty.. now my biggest fear is, it's gonna crawl back up the pipe and into my ass some night when I get up to pee.... (oh that thought had me clenching my butt cheeks together)

Ok.. well.. Im done.. there's more.. but Im sure ya'll dont have any wish to read what I have to say..
and if you made it this far.. word of advice.. dont kill spiders..
10 more come back in the dead one's place!!!

Peace

Pacific Northwest

2007-09-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

You know you're from the Pacific Northwest When... (According To Jeff Foxworthy)

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it >is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot seethrough the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, StillRaining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them (well Im not forwarding them.. however.. I am definently from the Pacific Northwest!!!)

Peace!!!!

Sex & Calories

2007-09-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent
12 Calories

Without her consent
2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands
8 Calories

With one hand
12 Calories

With your teeth
485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection
6 Calories

Without an erection
3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary
12 Calories

69 lying down
78 Calories

69 standing up
812 Calories

Wheelbarrow
216 Calories

Doggy Style
326 Calories

Italian chandelier
2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real
112 Calories

Fake
1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging
18 Calories

Getting up immediately
36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years
36 Calories

30-39 years
80 Calories

40-49 years
124 Calories

50-59 years
1,972 Calories

60-69 years
7,916 Calories

70 and over
Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly..
32 Calories

In a hurry
98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door
5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door
13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD

Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!

9/11

2007-09-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

R.I.P

You will not be forgotten
To all those who lost their lives..
To all those who risked their lives...

You will forever be with in my heart
And with in the hearts of many others.

Peace!

I recieved the following via email from my mother...
I am a supporter of our soldiers.. the men & women who give up their lives daily for our Freedom...

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !!

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem" -- Ronald Reagan

I have another quote that I would like to add.......

"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Also by.. Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out."

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: 1. Jesus Christ 2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

This & That.. TMI

2007-09-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

Long weekends are great, the sucky part is the getting up and coming back to work piece.
But on the happy side of that, is Im off the rest of the week, heading down to Oregon to finish the meat head up, and get him to Eukunuba... cross your fingers and toes.. that this will get him the needed points, cuz Im gettin tired!!!

Other than that, my weekend consisted of nothing.. nada, zip, zilch, zero. It was freaking awesome!!!

But, alas Im tired again, is it cuz Im stuck at work?

We had some awesome thunder & lightening last night, I love love love good thunder storms.. I opened the blinds, turned off all the sound & lights and just layed in bed watching the show out the window. Beautiful!

Ok.. TMI Tuesday.. here ya go

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?
Um, dinner well, my son wanted to make dinner so I let him, he ground up some hamburger, made some mashed potatoes.. mixed them together, and threw on some shredded cheese.. yep.. I call it, Wonder Mutt suprise... it was eatable..

2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?
LOL.. I dont carry cash.. I spend it to quickly.. my last $6 was spent last night when the girl child hijacked it to pay for the ice cream truck....

3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?
I tell them to go away.. seriously.. just stop talking, turn around, and go away... not interested, Im not gonna change my mind.. so shut up..and go away.. if they still dont hear me.. I just will walk away...

4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
hmmmm...this is a hard question.. I mean.. some people just have made some really bad choices, and thought what they were doing was in their best interest, come to find out it all blew up in their face and they learned a really rough/tough life lesson and realized that it's not good to be the cheater... then again.. some have made the choice to do so, and continue doing so, something about the thrill I suppose.. but.. a leopard doesnt change his spots, he just rearranges them.. is a pretty true statement. I mean, if they have never been caught they figure they can continue to do so, and dont care about other peoples feelings, they only seem to care about their own gratification. Did I answer the question?

5. Describe your sex life in two words.
Right now, my sex life is between me and Bob.. (battery operated boyfriend)
I turn him on when I want
Off when I want
I tell him what to do, when to do it, how to do it, where to do it
As long as I want, or as quick as I want...
But.. it does get a little old after a while.. sometimes, and it's few and far between, I miss having that someone next to me in bed.. but.. then I end up fighting over blankets and pillows, and listening to someone else snore, or their feet touching me..
ok ok ok.. like I said.. it's few and far between I have those moments of missing someone...

Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?
LOL.. no.. I get sex for free..
however when I was living w/family.. my beneficial friend and I used to take turns on who was paying for the hotel room.. I used to joke with him when it was my turn to pay that I was paying for sex... and therefor, I better get my money's worth..LOL..
the answer is Yes.. I would get my money's worth...LMAO!!!!

Peace everyone!!!!

Inner Peace

2007-08-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr.Phil proclaimed,
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning,
I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of White Zinfandel,
a bottle of Bailey's,
a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreos,
the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,
the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have NO idea how incredibly calm I feel.

Have a Great Weekend..

Peace!!!!!

Insane Ramblings from a blonde

2007-08-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

My work week is taking forever to be over with, it seems that it just keeps going and going and going and going. I swear it's Friday, and yet, it's only Thursday. Will the week ever end?
Yet, I am happy at the fact it's a 3 day weekend.. and then work one day next week, and I'm off to Oregon for a few days. So that will be nice & semi-relaxing.

The big dumb meat head (the dog) is currently 22 in the Nation.. YEAH HIM..
he needs a few more points to get to the Eukunuba show in Long Beach in December.. which I have complete faith in him.. and he will pull it off, and then we are off and running...

Bailey, the meat heads sister, finally went into heat, so she was bred last night... cross your fingers and toe's that it took. I was really worried that she wouldn't be receptive of Bear's attentions (the stud we bred her to) but holy wow.. did she like him near her rear end!!! She was waggin her tail, and putting her butt in his face.. he was all happy like.. licking her, and trying to body slam her into submission... he's a .. lets get it on, head to a dark corner and go go go go..
Bailey, is more of a lady, she wanted some foreplay.. and nice and slow.. sooooo.. when Bear tried to mount.. she wasn't quit ready as it was just a little to quick for her!!! So a little AI (artificial insemination) and hopefully we will have some puppies in 9-10 weeks!!!

Went camping this last weekend... Saturday night, I was walking down some stairs thought I was on the bottom one.. and Barney went flying.. and I wasn't even drunk.. that's the worse part, I had only had 1/2 a beer.. didn't spill a drop when I fell tho!!! :)
Sprained my right ankle.. and hyper-extended my knee.. finally went to the Dr on Tuesday.. only because my ankle was the size of a watermelon. I hate the Dr.s office.. I love my Dr... just hate going to the Dr. Anyhow, just a small amount of pain, but not to bad.

School starts in a few days, I'm happy, but I'm not.. I haven't even finished all the school shopping, so I guess were headed this weekend to finish what needs to be done.. Cha-Ching.. money money money.. I better win the damn Mega-Million Lotto.. I'm not greedy... I would be more than happy with a half a million!!!

The boy is in Football, I think this will be his new calling, he's really really into it. The last few years it had been baseball, which he still enjoys, but not as much at football. They started practice this last Monday, from 1-4... he pushed himself so hard on Tuesday that he made himself puke.. the coach was so proud of him.. kept tellin him what a good job he was doing, and it's good that hes' pushing himself that hard. Gets his pads and stuff today... had to be at the school at 9.. I was worried about getting there, but he and I had a long chat and decided he could ride his bike to school.

Now.. we live maybe 2 miles from school, down a hill, across a busy intersection, and then down a busy rural road, that has a very very small bike lane.
But you know, when I was around that age, I rode my bike everywhere (granted I was also smoking pot by his age) so I guess it is time, to let him start gaining a small small piece of independence.. (insert teary eyes here) my baby is growing up!!!

The girl, she joined cheer leading thru the youth football association.. they really push those girls, they range in age from 6 to 14. They run laps around the track, then practice for 2 hrs, 3x a week. Not to mention when they have to cheer for the games. The stupid cheer uniform, a tiny little skirt, and a shirt.. cost me $150!!! Can u believe that? Absolutely asinine!!!! But, she's really enjoying it, and her attitude is really changing, it's so weird to see her maturing right before my eyes! She is a big girl for her age... she is almost 11.. stands almost 5'4, and weights, just a little to much.. were working on that.. but.. she's a very strong little girl.. like her mother, she is freakishly strong.. so they have her on the bottom of the pyramids...
Its just weird, cuz I really hated the jocks and cheerleaders when I went to school.. when I actually showed up to school..

They were all stuck up, high society, snobs.. and it bothered me how they felt they were so much better than everyone else.. and now.. 20 yrs later.. I have a son who is a jock, and a daughter who is a cheerleader.. oh my, the higher powers that be, really have a wicked sense of humor!

Well, I guess that's about it, I just rambled on. I have a few more memories that I remembered that I will be posting this weekend. They come and go, the smallest things can make me remember something that was life changing, or just a damn good time. If you made it this far, congratulations.. brownie points to you!

Have a wicked Labor Day weekend!!!!

I was tagged!!!!

2007-08-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

*What side of the heart do you draw first?
The Right side - cuz well I'm of the right mind.. right??

*Can you dive without plugging your nose?
yep

*What color is your phone?
my home phone is black, my cell is maroon

*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
well here's a good question.. I don't rightly know.. is this just about having sex w/them.. to communicate with verbally.. or what...

*Where are you right now?
work.. oh joy..work work work

How do you feel about carrots?
I feel that they are misunderstood.. we as a nation need to stand up and embrace our orange little friends.. there not just for rabbits anymore!!!

*How many chairs at the dining room table?
none.. I just moved, bought the table, but didnt have enough cash to buy the chairs yet.. so..we eat at the coffee table.. no family dinners for this family

*Who is the best Spice Girl?
I could really care less.. I'm not a spice girl fan.. so um.. yeah.. not gonna even attempt to figure out who is the best.

*Do you know what time it is?
Time for you to obviously buy a damn watch..

*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
dependant upon alone or with someone.. and who that someone is..

*What's your favorite kind of gum?
the kind you chew.. as of right now, I'm an orbit girl.. although.. I love trident too... and whats ever on sale!!!!

*T or F: All is fair in love and war?
is this a trick question? I'm pleading the 5th on this.. no answer...
mainly..I don't really believe in love at this point and moment in my life.. so.. yeah... no answer

*Do you use words that you don't know the meaning to?
no.. I don't like to make myself look like a fool.. but I make up a lot of my own words... I'm cool like that..

*Do you like to sleep?
I do.. but Im not one of those that can lay in bed all day.. my eyes pop open no matter what by 7am... drives me in sane!!!!

*Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?
I know Arizona doesn't.. but I think there's one more.. I wanna say Idaho.. but I dont know if thats correct..

*Do you know the song Sugar We're Goin' Down?
umm....no.. but.. I love both sugar and goin down.. so.. sing it baby!!!!

*Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?
is it free? cuz Im all about free...

*What's something you've always wanted?
millions.. I want to be worry free of money.. meaning.. I want a ton of money!!

*Do you wear a lot of black?
I do...

*Describe your hair.
blond, mid back.. long.. I usually pull the sides up, cuz it's really thick..and heavy.. but I refuse to cut it..cuz I dont do change well... but I look pretty damn good when I take my time to actually do my hair!!!

*Are you an adult?
That's what Im told.. but.. I try not to act old.. although some days I really feel old

*Who is/are your best friends?
Sue is my BFF... she and I have been friends since we were 5.. amazing really... but I can tell her anything w/out her judging me.. but I have a few really close friends too

*Do you have a tan?
I actually do, which is amazing, cuz I hate to tan, and Im one white bitch when I dont!!!

*Are you a television addict?
addict is a little strong, but I do love to watch some good tv!!!

*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?
I love my mom.. I really do.. but.. that women can also drive me insane!!! there is a reason why we live on two separate Oceans.. and we meet up twice a year... but we talk weekly on the phone..

*Are you a sugar freak?
yes and no.. there are certain times of the month I go on a sugar binge.. but.. only 4 days outta the month.. LOL

*What is your favorite movie?
I dont have a fav... movies..like music.. is a mood thing, it just all depends on my mood, but there are movies that I will watch over and over.. Hope Floats is a great one.. and I liked The Notebook..then again, I enjoy the Harry Potter series too.. and Talladaga Nights.. that was funny!!!!

*What's your sign?
um.. Bill Engvall hasnt given me a sign yet..
Libra

*Where do you wish you were right now?
anywhere but where Im currently at.. most would say a nice tropical warm place.. but.. in all honesty..I wanna go to Ireland..

*Who did you copy this from? Weekends..

*How do you know them? Blogger USA!!!!

*Would you have sex with them?
Well now thats' a little personal dont ya think.. I dont think it's any of your damn business.. jealousy will get you know where!!!

*What brand of shirt are you wearing?
a blue button up cotton tank, that I stole from my sister n law about 3 yrs ago.. I hate shopping.. hate it, hate it, hate it!!! Im not normal..I know.. but it depresses me.. between the prices, and people, and rude ass sales clerks.. I just hate shopping... plus, why do they seem to think that women with a little extra.. want to wear big fucking floral prints.. umm...HELLO.. clothing industry.. those fucking flowers strategically put right where my boobs are.. ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE!!! My ta-ta's are already big enough..I dont need some fucking ficus where my nipples are.. enough said!!!

*Have you ever smoked anything?
aaahhh.. the truth question.. yes.. I used to smoke pot, daily.. multiple times a day..
I used to smoke my pot rolled in meth.. a few times a day..
I used to smoke hash too, although that shit tasted nasty.. so I didnt smoke alot.. just when it was free and available.. and I needed something..
today.. Im still addicted to nicotine.. Im getting better.. but.. Ive beat everything else.. so.. I dont think it's that bad.. I mean, it's still bad.. but Im cutting back..Im down to 4 a day.. unless Im stressed.. and well then.. we wont go there...

Oh..that's all.. Im done? I was just gettin into this..
well..Im suppose to tag someone.. but what Im gonna do.. is leave it open..
if you wanna play.. well go for it.. its great for writers block.. (hint hint April & Mr. Beetle)
if not.. hope you enjoyed and thanks for stopping by..

Peace

HANG ON!!! Help is coming!!!!

2007-08-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

This picture lightens my mood..

And just remember..

HANG ON...

Help is coming!!!!

In other news...

Here's a pic of the Do Wa.. the biker gathering I attend yearly...
Im in the picture.. can u find me?????
This was taken from the stage.. where the boobie contest was being held..
Where's Waldo??? I mean.. Where's Barney???

Im trying to push my way thru the mob to get to the front to stand next to the guy in the black cowboy hat.. whose working security infront of the stage...

Can u find me??? You cant can you.. it's ok...
I really dont wish to be found... haha...

Happy Thursday all!!!!

A rose by any other name.... is just a huge THORN

2007-08-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing to really write about, the apartment is working out well, I didn't realize before moving in however how small the kitchen is. Or that there is no storage space, or the fact that I have way to much crap.

I'm finding things that I had forgotten all about, things from my childhood, or from my children's wee years on this earth. It's been fun to find lost treasure's and yet, it's been depressing at times too. Looking at old family photos' of when me and their fathers were together, the days prior to them turning into worthless turds. The memento's have to be kept for the wee ones, as much as I would love to tear them up and start a fire with them.. I wont.. I keep holding myself back.. and I wont.

Other than that, nothing.. absolutely nothing has been going on in my life. Sad really. I have found I'm so much more content to go home after work, relax w/a Corona or a nice glass of wine and just chill w/the wee one's talking, laughing, or watching some stupid show on the tube. Although w/school getting ready to start up here soon, those nights of going straight home will be ceasing soon.. the girl is in cheer leading.. practice 3x a week and the boy will be starting football soon.. practice every night after school not to mention both of them will have to be at games.

I guess I should suck it up now.. and enjoy it... cuz the days are coming when they wont want Mommy around, and they will be embarrassed by my existence. So.. I know, just cherish these memories, and blah blah blah...

I really need some extra curricular activities in my life too.. a little sheet action.. it's been to long.. sometimes it makes me think whats wrong w/me? Then I sit back and realize, that I got rid of all my "buddies" because a few of them turned into clingy little women.. and well I wasn't having any part of that!!! So.. I ditched them.. and well.. with today and all the freaks out there I just haven't gone an dug up anymore.. I do still have one, but he and I work such opposite schedules, and there is the distance thing it's hard to get together with him... but everyone cross your fingers and pray that this Friday.. I will get some much needed exercise.. LOL!!!

OK.. I'm out..

Peace

I be moved!!!

2007-08-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hi ya'll...

The move went well, I never did realize how much shit I owned. No major causalities.. well except for my concussion.. but other than that... ok ok..
the story behind the concussion..
My ex packed the storage unit.. and he's just a great guy that he packed it so freaking badly that the stuff was just thrown into it... anyhow.. the door to the storage unit got stuck half way up, and came off the tracks, so I had to get the maintenance people to come and fix that.. then.. when I was moving things out, I grabbed a couch cushion that was stuffed up towards the top of the roof started wiggling it back and forth to pull it down, and well my ex had put a picture frame up there... and the frame came down and smacked me right in the forehead...

I have a lovely goose egg and bruise, and the glass from the frame went everywhere...
Anyhow.. other than that, I broke all my finger nails...
and I'm bruised from the top of my body, to the souls of my feet..
But I'M MOVED!!!!

Things are starting to look good at home, the apartment is nice and roomy...
I'm getting things put away... have just a few boxes to go thru, but they are boxes of baby items.. either the wee children's, or stuff from my childhood..

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes.. now I have to go and do some work, because even tho I had 2 back ups while I was gone.. I have over 1000+ emails to dig thru, and issues that only the customers feel I can help with..
I guess it's good to be liked in your job!!!

I will get to your blogs soon..
TTYL
Peace!!!

Im outta here..just like that!!!

2007-07-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Ok everyone..

Moving day is just around the corner.. less than 48 hrs..
Im both excited and nervous..
but.. I know out of all 4 of my readers, you can understand both...
and if you do.. please explain the nerves.. anyhow..

Im off work all next week, and I havnt gotten the puter hooked up at home yet.
not sure exactly when either, it's kind of an un-warranted expense right now.
But.. I will check in sometime next week.

Take care.. thanks for all the words of insight & wisdom & silliness.

and ttyl!!!!

Peace!!!

5 Random Questions...

2007-07-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

I had requested AR (Amourous Rocker, sorry I cant figure out how to link people.. Im just not that smart!) to hit me up w/5 questions.. and oh boy did she!!! Thank you for the questions, they really made me dig a little deeper into myself..
So.. here they are.. and here I go..

Interview rules:

Leave me a comment saying “Interview me next" or "Hit me with your best shot" or something along those lines letting me know you're down to be questioned. :D
I’ll respond by commenting back on your blog with your five questions. I get to pick the questions.
You will then update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. What is your happiest memory so far this year?
My happiest memory this year, there have been so many.. but most of them are trivial. then again, how can they be trivial if they made me happy? To pick one particular memory doesn't do justice to the others. So how can I choose just one? My kids I guess make me the happiest. Watching them succeed at things that they find difficult. So, I'm going to pick watching my son not step out of the batters box, and actually connecting w/that ball and hitting deep left field to make a home run. That was extremely exciting. Then the next (as they both run parrell) is watching my daughter do her first dance recital in front of 500 people. Two of my most fondest memories this year!

2. What are you addicted to?
I currently have two nasty vices. Smoking & coffee, although is coffee really a nasty vice? The smoking is slowly cutting down, but after all my other addictions in life that I have over come, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I gave up meth, acid & pot, which were three of my most favorite forms of entertainment back when I was a teenager. But, I can honestly say that I have been clean and sober off the drugs now for hmmm... almost 15 yrs.. is that right, has it been truly that long.. ooohhh..YEAH ME!!! (sorry, just had to pat myself on the back there)

3. If you could take 2 personality traits you posses and change them in for 2 different traits, what would you change and why?
My Anger - I wish I could take my anger and turn it into serenity/contentment. I have dealt with anger issues since I was a just a wee one. As I grew older I would have black outs and hurt either myself, someone else, or break things. I went thru anger management when I was around 14, due to some home life issues and I did learn self-control. But there are days when I can feel the anger swirling inside of me. It takes everything I have to control myself. One of these days I'm so afraid of just snapping and letting loose. But, I haven't done that now in years (last time I ended up in juvi) every day is a new day and I keeping thanking the higher powers that be for that control.

Im really having a hard time w/the second trait, cuz it makes me realize who I truly am. So many things come to mind, my bitchiness, my self esteem, my bitterness...oooh.. that's the one.. my bitterness. Im a bitter person towards people who screw with me and whats mine. I wish I could take that bitterness and turn it into indifference. To allow it to be like water on a ducks back, just let it roll right off me and disappear. But I hold grudges to those to do me wrong or hurt my loves. I tend to get even one way or another, actually, I really do believe in Karma.. and I know some day, they will get theirs, and I have seen them get theirs, but I shouldnt be so ecstatic when it does happen.. Im evil.. I need to really find that happy medium!

4. You have free and unlimited access for 3 days to a private jet and money isn't an object, where are you going?

1) Sweden - My mother's family is originally from Sweden, they came over in the 1800s and settled in MN, my Great-Grandmother was disowned when my Great-Grandfather passed away. The story goes, that when he passed away, it was the way of the old, that if there was an unmarried brother, then he was to take over the family care of the one who was deceased. Well when my Great Uncle came to take my Great Grandmother home, she basically told him to go um.. well F himself .. so she was disowned along w/her 2 children... so I have a ton of family there and I would love to go and meet them

2) Egypt - my son is infatuated with the Pharaohs and Egypt and the tombs and temples. I think it would be an awesome trip to go explore all the ruins.

3) Money not being an object, I would like to travel the U.S. and attempt to help the homeless youth. From my own experiences I want to attempt in some form or fashion to help the youth to get off the streets, off the drugs and help them become successful in life.

5. What are 3 of the most important things to you in life currently?

1) My family - they are the world to me, w/out my children and my family I wouldn't be here.
2) My dog - I love that jumping little flea.. my daughter rescued her from an abusive home.. I feel a kinship w/the dog, she was an outcast and now she's loved and wanted.. I love animals more than most people..
3) My blogger buddies - I look forward every morning for the silliness, words of wisdom & insight. I feel that w/out the land of blogger so many people would be lost and would end up holding in what should be let out. So many would end up pulling the rifle out on top of the local Dairy Queen and taking pop shots at the double dipped chocolate cones that walk out the swinging doors. That's just not acceptable, we as a society really need to leave the double dipped chocolate cones alone..