Well Hello!!!!
So, follow-up on the boy child, he received a very minor sentence since it was his first offense he got a diversion process – had to complete 3 things pay some fines and he would be done with it. Collect some food for the food bank, go through a DUI impact panel, receive a drug/alcohol assessment. He did all 3… however the assessment came back that my baby boy has a bit of an addiction… so.. off to treatment he went… 3 days a week… one night a week is “family group counseling” that I’m not impressed with, as it has nothing to do with families, and more to do with just sitting there and listening. But I am there, once a week, for the next 8 weeks to support my son, and make sure he knows that we all make mistakes and we all come out of it. We learn and we grow and it is what it is. Hell I was there at that age too…
What amazes me, is out of the 11 kids in this group session… only a handful of parents attend, what amazes me is some parents attend, then don’t come back. What amazes me are the stories I hear from these teens of the psycho parents they have at home, or the lack of parenting that takes place. Yes, I realized there are these types of parents out there. Yes Yes I realize that my kid is not perfect nor am I a perfect parent, but I am involved! Your asking yourself, how can you be involved when your child has an addiction…didn’t I see it? No.. that’s just it… I didn’t see it.. because my son’s behavior never changed. There was no drastic changes in his behavior. Looking back I can see the little subtle changes….NOW.. but at the time.. nothing.. he still spent time with the family… he still laughed… he still had an appetite.. he didn’t withdraw.. there were no signs… that’s what’s so crazy…but he’s going on almost 70days sober…Im so very very proud of him!
My daughter is handling this all pretty well, except for the fact that all the attention has been focused on her brother and not her. So that’s been very hard for her to handle, but she’s handling it pretty well. She has cheer tryouts soon, I think she’s nervous, cheer is very cut throat, and vicious. I hope she makes it and yet, I have been talking to her about if she doesn’t make it that will be ok too. She seems to have the confidence that she will. Confidence is great… but being disappointed in the outcome I think is worse.
I quit smoking… January 4, and in return I’ve packed on some extra ass weight! Along with a spare tire, so started a life change today, eating healthier, drinking more water and just attempting little baby steps at getting this to go away.
The BF and I broke up… I dumped him about a month ago, he went out, got fall down stupid ass drunk came home and punched a hole in my hall wall and called my daughter a fucking little cunt. He’s lucky my brother was there when it all went down, or my son and I would of ended up in jail that night. The boy came flying out of his room ready to defend his sister. It warmed my heart. Even though the siblings fight like WWIII. So I’m single again… very happy about that.
Ok, That’s all folks
Peace!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Just need to breath
I totally forgot all about my little blog here.. well not totally forgot, just kind of put it to the far back areas of my brain and just left it to form cobwebs.
Well, August until about a week ago have been rather uneventful, so I suppose that’s always a plus, life has been trudging along. Work is work, home is home.
Until Friday.. when the police showed at my front door, with my 16yr old son. He decided to go out drinking with some buddies… then proceeded to get in a car w/some 22 yr old dumbass, who thought it would be fun to go joy riding…. They crashed… no, my son wasn’t driving… he was a passenger, the 22 yr old guy was driving.. he provided the kids alcohol, my son went along for the ride because…well I don’t rightly know why he went along for the ride. I have talked to this kid over and over and over again concerning drinking and driving and how you NEVER get into a car with someone who has been drinking. Sadly, the transmission did not actually make it into his brain cavity and imbed itself.
No one was hurt during the crash, thank GOD! The car was crashed into a utility pole. The idiots walked away from the accident and left the car wrapped around the pole. The Police found them at the 22yr olds residence. My son was arrested and brought home. The 22 yr old was arrested and hauled to jail. With a DUI, contributing to minors, & Hit and run charges.
My son is looking at a MIP/MIC (minor in possession/minor in consumption) charge. Im an evil Mother and told the police that I want the DA to pick up the charges because my kid did something horribly wrong and made a horribly bad judgment call and I will NOT allow him to feel he can get away with this!
So, were waiting for the court date to see what’s next. I have never felt so disgusted with my son, nor have I ever wanted to physically harm him. I asked the officer if he truly wanted to leave him in my custody. Because I have a temper and I could feel the blackout coming on. I can honestly say I had to hold my hands together. I did not yell. I did not fight. I looked at my son and told him. I loved him, I was glad he was safe and that no one else was hurt. However I was so disgusted and disappointed in him that I couldn’t look at him and to go to bed. I spoke to him Saturday evening. Cuz it took me that long to calm down. The “what if’s” kept me up all night.
So now it’s a hurry up and wait game……
As for the rest of my life… I think me and the man are done.. I haven’t completely decided… he’s so needy, and insecure, and needy… yes I know I already said needy… but he is. And not independent. I thought it was cute for awhile, but over the last month OY. It’s getting tiring. Follows me around like a little puppy dog. I just can’t think anymore. More on that later. I just need to think about it.
My daughter is doing ok, she’s backed up again, which reminds me Im off to make a Drs appt for her.
Well, August until about a week ago have been rather uneventful, so I suppose that’s always a plus, life has been trudging along. Work is work, home is home.
Until Friday.. when the police showed at my front door, with my 16yr old son. He decided to go out drinking with some buddies… then proceeded to get in a car w/some 22 yr old dumbass, who thought it would be fun to go joy riding…. They crashed… no, my son wasn’t driving… he was a passenger, the 22 yr old guy was driving.. he provided the kids alcohol, my son went along for the ride because…well I don’t rightly know why he went along for the ride. I have talked to this kid over and over and over again concerning drinking and driving and how you NEVER get into a car with someone who has been drinking. Sadly, the transmission did not actually make it into his brain cavity and imbed itself.
No one was hurt during the crash, thank GOD! The car was crashed into a utility pole. The idiots walked away from the accident and left the car wrapped around the pole. The Police found them at the 22yr olds residence. My son was arrested and brought home. The 22 yr old was arrested and hauled to jail. With a DUI, contributing to minors, & Hit and run charges.
My son is looking at a MIP/MIC (minor in possession/minor in consumption) charge. Im an evil Mother and told the police that I want the DA to pick up the charges because my kid did something horribly wrong and made a horribly bad judgment call and I will NOT allow him to feel he can get away with this!
So, were waiting for the court date to see what’s next. I have never felt so disgusted with my son, nor have I ever wanted to physically harm him. I asked the officer if he truly wanted to leave him in my custody. Because I have a temper and I could feel the blackout coming on. I can honestly say I had to hold my hands together. I did not yell. I did not fight. I looked at my son and told him. I loved him, I was glad he was safe and that no one else was hurt. However I was so disgusted and disappointed in him that I couldn’t look at him and to go to bed. I spoke to him Saturday evening. Cuz it took me that long to calm down. The “what if’s” kept me up all night.
So now it’s a hurry up and wait game……
As for the rest of my life… I think me and the man are done.. I haven’t completely decided… he’s so needy, and insecure, and needy… yes I know I already said needy… but he is. And not independent. I thought it was cute for awhile, but over the last month OY. It’s getting tiring. Follows me around like a little puppy dog. I just can’t think anymore. More on that later. I just need to think about it.
My daughter is doing ok, she’s backed up again, which reminds me Im off to make a Drs appt for her.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Catch up... not ketchup
Wow, I logged in after months of being away from blog land and see that I have 39 followers, just when did that happen? I'm flattered. Thank you..
So, I guess Ive been a little MIA... OK, not really life has been throwing some huge ass curve balls, as of yet I haven't been hit in the head with a fast pitch but damn my thigh hurts!
So, lets see whats new in my little slice of hell? I finally got my bike endorsement, I finally decided that I needed to feel the vibrations of my own big engine between my legs, one that I had control of, so I went out and passed the class and I am now legal!
I made the hard mental decision to allow my 16 yr old to start drivers education and obtain his driving permit, so far he's only tried to put us in a ditch once, so I suppose he's doing rather well.
My teenage daughter is having some medical issues... basically she's full of shit.. literally..no lie.. she's full of shit and the meds she is on are not working, I'm thinking it's gonna have to be some kind of procedure to un-shit the child (oh she would be mortified if she knew I was writing about this)
My oldest brother has moved in with me, that has been a HUGE undertaking, I never realized what a self-centered, egotistical, male chauvinistic ass he was, I mean is. Holy Wow what an eye opener it has been.
4 weeks til the kidletts are back in school... I am thankful that my kids are teenagers, I have a few high school friends who are just now starting their families, and frankly I just do not understand as to why? We will be 40 in a few short years, why oh why would you want to live these years w/small, crying, running amuck children? Then again, I guess they lived their lives early on. I am looking forward to my 40's with no small ones at my heels.
I am still employed.. woo hoo.. in this day an age that is a huge accomplishment!
Got a new man, ok ok, we have been together going on 9 months, that is HUGE.. He's good to me.. he's good to my kids.. and well I hate to say it, he spoils me to know end and treats my like a princess... well, a dark princess as I hate the flowers/frill and fluff.. but, he's good people, wonder how long before I fuck this one up?
Cheers everyone!
So, I guess Ive been a little MIA... OK, not really life has been throwing some huge ass curve balls, as of yet I haven't been hit in the head with a fast pitch but damn my thigh hurts!
So, lets see whats new in my little slice of hell? I finally got my bike endorsement, I finally decided that I needed to feel the vibrations of my own big engine between my legs, one that I had control of, so I went out and passed the class and I am now legal!
I made the hard mental decision to allow my 16 yr old to start drivers education and obtain his driving permit, so far he's only tried to put us in a ditch once, so I suppose he's doing rather well.
My teenage daughter is having some medical issues... basically she's full of shit.. literally..no lie.. she's full of shit and the meds she is on are not working, I'm thinking it's gonna have to be some kind of procedure to un-shit the child (oh she would be mortified if she knew I was writing about this)
My oldest brother has moved in with me, that has been a HUGE undertaking, I never realized what a self-centered, egotistical, male chauvinistic ass he was, I mean is. Holy Wow what an eye opener it has been.
4 weeks til the kidletts are back in school... I am thankful that my kids are teenagers, I have a few high school friends who are just now starting their families, and frankly I just do not understand as to why? We will be 40 in a few short years, why oh why would you want to live these years w/small, crying, running amuck children? Then again, I guess they lived their lives early on. I am looking forward to my 40's with no small ones at my heels.
I am still employed.. woo hoo.. in this day an age that is a huge accomplishment!
Got a new man, ok ok, we have been together going on 9 months, that is HUGE.. He's good to me.. he's good to my kids.. and well I hate to say it, he spoils me to know end and treats my like a princess... well, a dark princess as I hate the flowers/frill and fluff.. but, he's good people, wonder how long before I fuck this one up?
Cheers everyone!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Who would of thunk it....
Well one of my loyal readers nominated me for a blog award.
At first I thought it was a big joke, but turns out someone really does like me.
Thank you loyal reader. Much appreciated....
so with that being said..... go vote for me, although I think I only have a few readers one or two is better than none to zero Righht
Sadly Im sitting in a hotel on hotel wi-fi... and I cant seem to get anything to link up the way it's suppose to.
I decided to take a small vaca away from life and responsibilities and drove my happy ass to Reno.
So far the winning gods have been very fickle. But, the drinking gods have been kind. Meaning I havnt woke up with a hangover yet, so either the drinks are weak or Im just not drinking.
Either way Im relaxing and that's what is important.
Heading home tomorrow (Wednesday) gonna make that lovely drive home back to the world of responsibilities, work, kids, animals and and and... woo hoo... life is life I suppose.
At first I thought it was a big joke, but turns out someone really does like me.
Thank you loyal reader. Much appreciated....
so with that being said..... go vote for me, although I think I only have a few readers one or two is better than none to zero Righht
Sadly Im sitting in a hotel on hotel wi-fi... and I cant seem to get anything to link up the way it's suppose to.
I decided to take a small vaca away from life and responsibilities and drove my happy ass to Reno.
So far the winning gods have been very fickle. But, the drinking gods have been kind. Meaning I havnt woke up with a hangover yet, so either the drinks are weak or Im just not drinking.
Either way Im relaxing and that's what is important.
Heading home tomorrow (Wednesday) gonna make that lovely drive home back to the world of responsibilities, work, kids, animals and and and... woo hoo... life is life I suppose.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
It's an Orange...
You know life sometimes gets in your way, prohibits you from being who you are, who you want to be, where you currently are, or where u really wish to be. That has been me. My days have made me feel like a rat, running in circles on a large metal wheel. Not really feeling like I'm getting anywhere, just running in circles in place... over and over and over again.
Yes, there have been some bright spots. Some joyous moments. My kids are doing great. I got an awesome bonus from work. I moved out of my hell hole apartment into a beautiful big house. I finally met the man of my dreams. Who adores me, my kids and the Noah's ark that I have created.
But some days, I still feel that there is something missing. But what? What is it that could make me feel all that much more complete? Honestly, I have my health, which by the way was touch and go for awhile with the damn pneumonia and bronchitis and stupid ass colds that just wont let go. I have my children.. who have been doing marvelous. I have my new Man... who adores my big butt... my tummy w/the imperfections... my wild antics... he is so mellow compared to me.. we fit amazingly well together, and most importantly my kids really like him.
So the question is what?
Hmmmm... maybe it's time to stop thinking of whats missing, and start moving through life thinking that all's well. Nothing is missing, life is finally where it's suppose to be.
That's a novel concept huh?!
Peace
Yes, there have been some bright spots. Some joyous moments. My kids are doing great. I got an awesome bonus from work. I moved out of my hell hole apartment into a beautiful big house. I finally met the man of my dreams. Who adores me, my kids and the Noah's ark that I have created.
But some days, I still feel that there is something missing. But what? What is it that could make me feel all that much more complete? Honestly, I have my health, which by the way was touch and go for awhile with the damn pneumonia and bronchitis and stupid ass colds that just wont let go. I have my children.. who have been doing marvelous. I have my new Man... who adores my big butt... my tummy w/the imperfections... my wild antics... he is so mellow compared to me.. we fit amazingly well together, and most importantly my kids really like him.
So the question is what?
Hmmmm... maybe it's time to stop thinking of whats missing, and start moving through life thinking that all's well. Nothing is missing, life is finally where it's suppose to be.
That's a novel concept huh?!
Peace
Monday, November 02, 2009
Lack of want
Lately it’s been abnormal to see a smile on my face, life has been so crazy busy, hectic, stressful, dull, annoying and well pissy!
That when I do actually have a smile on my face people tend to wonder what I am actually up to. I hate to sound like a broken record and I’m most positive that I’m not the only one w/in this great big world of ours that is not having a great 2009. I’m truly hoping for a bright 2010.
But lately, life has been full of one big disappointment after another.
My kid’s fathers… huge disappointments in the Daddy arena. They just can’t seem to pull their heads outta their asses to step up and do what needs to be done to take care of their half of the responsibilities. My son’s father blames it all on me.. I left him, so therefore it’s all my responsibility. My daughters father… well… I don’t even know where to begin there, so let’s just suffice it to say that it’s most important for him to either impregnate as many women as possible or smoke up his entire life.
Im telling ya, I sure do know how to pick them!
But lately… there has been very little to smile about. My kids make me smile. Even if they are teenagers, and are slowly driving me drink (kidding I don’t drink anymore than normal) I’ve been really sick… the plus side of being sick is that I’ve pretty much kicked the smoking habit. Although I’m not saying I’m a non-smoker. I’m just saying... I haven’t had one for a week now because I’ve been so sick and I do not even desire one. So that’s a plus.
I met someone who makes me smile.
It’s all about the person’s personality.
I adore his personality.
He makes me laugh
He makes me smile
He makes me feel
He makes me happy
I don’t want to feel, be happy, laugh or smile
Because when it all goes away what are you left with?
Hurt/pain/anger
I can’t go there again
That when I do actually have a smile on my face people tend to wonder what I am actually up to. I hate to sound like a broken record and I’m most positive that I’m not the only one w/in this great big world of ours that is not having a great 2009. I’m truly hoping for a bright 2010.
But lately, life has been full of one big disappointment after another.
My kid’s fathers… huge disappointments in the Daddy arena. They just can’t seem to pull their heads outta their asses to step up and do what needs to be done to take care of their half of the responsibilities. My son’s father blames it all on me.. I left him, so therefore it’s all my responsibility. My daughters father… well… I don’t even know where to begin there, so let’s just suffice it to say that it’s most important for him to either impregnate as many women as possible or smoke up his entire life.
Im telling ya, I sure do know how to pick them!
But lately… there has been very little to smile about. My kids make me smile. Even if they are teenagers, and are slowly driving me drink (kidding I don’t drink anymore than normal) I’ve been really sick… the plus side of being sick is that I’ve pretty much kicked the smoking habit. Although I’m not saying I’m a non-smoker. I’m just saying... I haven’t had one for a week now because I’ve been so sick and I do not even desire one. So that’s a plus.
I met someone who makes me smile.
It’s all about the person’s personality.
I adore his personality.
He makes me laugh
He makes me smile
He makes me feel
He makes me happy
I don’t want to feel, be happy, laugh or smile
Because when it all goes away what are you left with?
Hurt/pain/anger
I can’t go there again
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The teen years can suck my dick!!!
This sucks! I can not remember a time in my life where I have ever felt like my kids have been so out of control.
The teen years. Yes.. the dreaded awful teen years!
I'm surprised the fire department hasn't appeared at my home more often with all the smoke rising from the rafters - due to my head exploding.
Where to begin?
The boy child... holy wow.. he's almost 16 -sophmore in High School - 3 months shy of driving privileges - however his attitude and grades are stopping him from ever receiving his right to drive under my roof. Yet, he continuously bugs me about letting him drive. I say "I'm sorry, you have no permit to drive"
Do you know what happens next?
That's right - I get called names. I'm the most uncool Mother in the world.
The unfairness of it all!
Im told Im unfair - Im making stupid rules - his friends are allowed to drive (oh wait THEY have permits)
Needless to say.... he hates me...
He seems to have forgotten also the fact that he lives there too - he can make any mess he wants and yet he doesnt have to clean it up. No picking up after himself - no dishes - that he can come and go as he pleases - I ask him to do something I get the response "I'll do it later" but amazingly enough Later never seems to come.. it's more along the lines of NEVER - and now he also seems to think that he doesnt have to do homework.
The girl child - I cant deal with hormonal tween girls - she's going to be 13 - in just over 2 weeks she will be 13 - I think she has been possesed w/the demon from Emily Rose... she is going to cause me to commit random acts of violence. D R A M A!
Holy shit.. Ive never seen so much drama in my life - everything is a catastraphe - everything is an emergency - everything is all about her.. right at that moment..and all moments inbetween!
Her life is her friends & her cell phone.
She seems to think it's ok to talk to me any damn way she feels is necessary to get what she wants.
Ive had enough!
Im going to loose it!
Im regaining my home!
Im regaining myself!
I have informed my children that Im not here to be their friend.
Im here to be their parent and to make sure that they make it to the age of 18 w/good solid fundementals under their belts and hopefully smart enough to make some good choices in their lives.
But - until that point moment and time.. IM IN CHARGE!
IT'S MY HOUSE!
Uggghhh...!!!
yeah...
the teen years... can suck my DICK!
The teen years. Yes.. the dreaded awful teen years!
I'm surprised the fire department hasn't appeared at my home more often with all the smoke rising from the rafters - due to my head exploding.
Where to begin?
The boy child... holy wow.. he's almost 16 -sophmore in High School - 3 months shy of driving privileges - however his attitude and grades are stopping him from ever receiving his right to drive under my roof. Yet, he continuously bugs me about letting him drive. I say "I'm sorry, you have no permit to drive"
Do you know what happens next?
That's right - I get called names. I'm the most uncool Mother in the world.
The unfairness of it all!
Im told Im unfair - Im making stupid rules - his friends are allowed to drive (oh wait THEY have permits)
Needless to say.... he hates me...
He seems to have forgotten also the fact that he lives there too - he can make any mess he wants and yet he doesnt have to clean it up. No picking up after himself - no dishes - that he can come and go as he pleases - I ask him to do something I get the response "I'll do it later" but amazingly enough Later never seems to come.. it's more along the lines of NEVER - and now he also seems to think that he doesnt have to do homework.
The girl child - I cant deal with hormonal tween girls - she's going to be 13 - in just over 2 weeks she will be 13 - I think she has been possesed w/the demon from Emily Rose... she is going to cause me to commit random acts of violence. D R A M A!
Holy shit.. Ive never seen so much drama in my life - everything is a catastraphe - everything is an emergency - everything is all about her.. right at that moment..and all moments inbetween!
Her life is her friends & her cell phone.
She seems to think it's ok to talk to me any damn way she feels is necessary to get what she wants.
Ive had enough!
Im going to loose it!
Im regaining my home!
Im regaining myself!
I have informed my children that Im not here to be their friend.
Im here to be their parent and to make sure that they make it to the age of 18 w/good solid fundementals under their belts and hopefully smart enough to make some good choices in their lives.
But - until that point moment and time.. IM IN CHARGE!
IT'S MY HOUSE!
Uggghhh...!!!
yeah...
the teen years... can suck my DICK!
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
bzzzzzzzzz
Sometimes life just throws you a ton of lemons, what you decide to do with those lemons is what becomes important. Ive been so pissy & unhappy lately, that I finally decided to turn those lemons into some sweet adult beverages... a little lemonade w/a splash of vodka.. num num num!!!
Things are going well, I mean I didnt win the lotto or anything and money is extremely tight at the moment. So tight that Im going to make it even more tight and put myself on one hell of a budget that will not be ignored.. time to pull myself outta this mess that Ive put myself into... wish me luck!
BUT... there are no men troubles taking place.
Im content.. for the first time in quit awhile, Im finally content.
What else can a girl ask for?
Well, except for a really good vibrator since there are no men in her life that will take that edge off.
So, other than that, I have no reason to complain.
Kids are back in school
Im still employed
I love my job once again
All's good in my corner of the world.
Let the fun times begin!!!!
Things are going well, I mean I didnt win the lotto or anything and money is extremely tight at the moment. So tight that Im going to make it even more tight and put myself on one hell of a budget that will not be ignored.. time to pull myself outta this mess that Ive put myself into... wish me luck!
BUT... there are no men troubles taking place.
Im content.. for the first time in quit awhile, Im finally content.
What else can a girl ask for?
Well, except for a really good vibrator since there are no men in her life that will take that edge off.
So, other than that, I have no reason to complain.
Kids are back in school
Im still employed
I love my job once again
All's good in my corner of the world.
Let the fun times begin!!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Walls erected!
Sometimes I wonder why I put myself into situations that I know will cause me more harm than any good.
There is a defective part in my mind and heart that causes me to make poor decisions.
To sit back and think that people do actually change for the better.
What I need to realize and remember is that people don’t change for the better, very often. They just rearrange their spots – so that it becomes harder to identify who they once were and who they have become.
Sometimes listening to the words of someone, wanting so much to believe what is being said, but knowing deep down in your heart or hearts it’s all such crap.
Believing the words of one can make you such a fool.
I am that fool
It is for the best that I do not allow myself to be caught up
It is for the best that I allow the distance and take that stance that has kept me locked up and secure.
I can not allow myself to be caught up in the empty words & promises of someone who has lies so easily fall from their mouth.
I must remember what has happened & the pain it has caused. Regardless of the apologies and the begging of forgiveness
I can not put myself through the pain & sorrow and helplessness that caused me to travel a path that I was lucky to pull myself free from.
You can love someone with everything you have but you can not ever be with that person. There is no life together, no tomorrows, and no dreams of a future.
All I have is what I have gained through the road that I traveled, it is mine and I am a stronger person because of choices that I have made.
I had to close myself off to the promises of tomorrow. The hopes and dreams that once were in my thoughts are no more. The door was slammed shut many times over. Those hopes and dreams will not come true, not the way I once wanted them. The walls that have been erected will not come down easily if ever. This is my choice – however there are leaks and I must fortify what is seeping.
This is the choice that I make. For my own self preservation.
Right or Wrong? I do not know… but it is what gets me from day to day to concern myself with only those that matter. My kids…
They are my all... My reason for closing myself off from outside influence.
There is a defective part in my mind and heart that causes me to make poor decisions.
To sit back and think that people do actually change for the better.
What I need to realize and remember is that people don’t change for the better, very often. They just rearrange their spots – so that it becomes harder to identify who they once were and who they have become.
Sometimes listening to the words of someone, wanting so much to believe what is being said, but knowing deep down in your heart or hearts it’s all such crap.
Believing the words of one can make you such a fool.
I am that fool
It is for the best that I do not allow myself to be caught up
It is for the best that I allow the distance and take that stance that has kept me locked up and secure.
I can not allow myself to be caught up in the empty words & promises of someone who has lies so easily fall from their mouth.
I must remember what has happened & the pain it has caused. Regardless of the apologies and the begging of forgiveness
I can not put myself through the pain & sorrow and helplessness that caused me to travel a path that I was lucky to pull myself free from.
You can love someone with everything you have but you can not ever be with that person. There is no life together, no tomorrows, and no dreams of a future.
All I have is what I have gained through the road that I traveled, it is mine and I am a stronger person because of choices that I have made.
I had to close myself off to the promises of tomorrow. The hopes and dreams that once were in my thoughts are no more. The door was slammed shut many times over. Those hopes and dreams will not come true, not the way I once wanted them. The walls that have been erected will not come down easily if ever. This is my choice – however there are leaks and I must fortify what is seeping.
This is the choice that I make. For my own self preservation.
Right or Wrong? I do not know… but it is what gets me from day to day to concern myself with only those that matter. My kids…
They are my all... My reason for closing myself off from outside influence.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Got a lightbulb?
I started dating someone, actually he was my FB for years.
Once all the nightmare washed away I ran into him one evening and we reaquinted ourselves.
I can honestly say it was the best sex I have had in a very long time.
So, there are a few dilemma's with this situation. Which isnt there always, I mean, when Im involved there is always some form of drama or dilemma
1) He loves me - he told me so, said he has missed me
2) I realized Im in love with him
3) He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me - I hurt him by moving on w/someone else regardless of how bad it turned out, he's hurt - Im sorry for that
4) He's moving - in about 6 months - a few hrs away
I finally told him that I need more. Want more, he's not willing to give it to me so why should I continue to become more attached and keep wanting and longing when what I want isnt going to happen?
After all the bullshit Ive put myself through these last few months, I thought there was finally a light at the end of my tunnel of hell that I created for myself. That light is slowly dimming. Its ok, I know it will become a 100 watter soon, I just gotta get a little bit closer to screw that damn thing back in.
Forgive me while I sit in the darkness for awhile. It's kind of cozy here, besides it keeps the heat out!
Once all the nightmare washed away I ran into him one evening and we reaquinted ourselves.
I can honestly say it was the best sex I have had in a very long time.
So, there are a few dilemma's with this situation. Which isnt there always, I mean, when Im involved there is always some form of drama or dilemma
1) He loves me - he told me so, said he has missed me
2) I realized Im in love with him
3) He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me - I hurt him by moving on w/someone else regardless of how bad it turned out, he's hurt - Im sorry for that
4) He's moving - in about 6 months - a few hrs away
I finally told him that I need more. Want more, he's not willing to give it to me so why should I continue to become more attached and keep wanting and longing when what I want isnt going to happen?
After all the bullshit Ive put myself through these last few months, I thought there was finally a light at the end of my tunnel of hell that I created for myself. That light is slowly dimming. Its ok, I know it will become a 100 watter soon, I just gotta get a little bit closer to screw that damn thing back in.
Forgive me while I sit in the darkness for awhile. It's kind of cozy here, besides it keeps the heat out!
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Just checking in...
I'm OK
Thank you for every one's concern
It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.
As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.
I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs
What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?
How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!
He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.
He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.
I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"
Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!
My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!
They are my life
My reason
I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!
Thank you for every one's concern
It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.
As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.
I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs
What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?
How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!
He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.
He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.
I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"
Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!
My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!
They are my life
My reason
I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Suicide is so final
My mind is in a fog yet the I'm riding the anger train, I think I will be riding it for a very long time.
How could he?!
Put myself through the that hell, and put my children at risk?
Who the hell does he think he is?
Is life so not worth living and so very bad that popping those pills chased w/a 1/2 gallon of your favorite beverage is worth the end result?
If I hadn't of found him, what then?
Was it truly a cry for help?
Or was it truly an end that he wished for?
What if my children had been there?
Why? Seriously why?
I'm exhausted...emotionally & mentally exhausted.
I cant take much more
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I being non-caring, cold, heartless?
Maybe...but I must be this way
I have lives depending on me
Your still alive
Now, find someone else to torment...
Leave me the fuck alone.
I'm done!
How could he?!
Put myself through the that hell, and put my children at risk?
Who the hell does he think he is?
Is life so not worth living and so very bad that popping those pills chased w/a 1/2 gallon of your favorite beverage is worth the end result?
If I hadn't of found him, what then?
Was it truly a cry for help?
Or was it truly an end that he wished for?
What if my children had been there?
Why? Seriously why?
I'm exhausted...emotionally & mentally exhausted.
I cant take much more
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I being non-caring, cold, heartless?
Maybe...but I must be this way
I have lives depending on me
Your still alive
Now, find someone else to torment...
Leave me the fuck alone.
I'm done!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Just stamp my forhead **VOID**
There is a void in my life.
What that void is I haven't figured out
I'm slowly going through the motions of just living
I get up, I go to work, I go home, I cook dinner, I do laundry, I go to bed
Repeat
day in...
day out...
My life has taken on a series of nothingness
Its a mixture of
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Do-nothing-ness
How does one pull away from the blah's?
How does one know if they are in love or not?
I suppose if you have to question it, you arnt... but.. ????
I feel like I'm nonexistent - like people don't truly see me, am I so ordinary that I'm voidable?
Forgettable?
Confusion
lost
damn it!
Sucks!
Pathetic
Im not liking this alot..
wow.. seriously?
I need to go find some excitment..
Some.... SOMETHING!
Any suggestions?
What that void is I haven't figured out
I'm slowly going through the motions of just living
I get up, I go to work, I go home, I cook dinner, I do laundry, I go to bed
Repeat
day in...
day out...
My life has taken on a series of nothingness
Its a mixture of
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Do-nothing-ness
How does one pull away from the blah's?
How does one know if they are in love or not?
I suppose if you have to question it, you arnt... but.. ????
I feel like I'm nonexistent - like people don't truly see me, am I so ordinary that I'm voidable?
Forgettable?
Confusion
lost
damn it!
Sucks!
Pathetic
Im not liking this alot..
wow.. seriously?
I need to go find some excitment..
Some.... SOMETHING!
Any suggestions?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
An era come and gone...do u rememeber?
You could hardly see
for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears
as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the
TV set,
'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut
chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost
hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli
Almost all of us would
have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone
would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not
PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in
gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an
option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than
gym.
Speaking of school, we
all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in
detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had
horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was
supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of
myself.
I just can't recall how
bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270
digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where
was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I
could have been killed!
We played 'king of the
hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when
we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked
it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt
spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of
antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a
horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the
neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked
there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds
from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop,
just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our
house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a
goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a
single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so
duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO
SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T -- SORRY FOR WHAT
YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears
as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the
TV set,
'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut
chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost
hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli
Almost all of us would
have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone
would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not
PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in
gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an
option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than
gym.
Speaking of school, we
all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in
detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had
horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was
supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of
myself.
I just can't recall how
bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270
digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where
was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I
could have been killed!
We played 'king of the
hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when
we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked
it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt
spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of
antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a
horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the
neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked
there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds
from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop,
just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our
house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a
goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a
single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so
duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO
SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T -- SORRY FOR WHAT
YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
Friday, June 12, 2009
Summer is coming
Hi all,
Only 3 more school days left, then summer officially begins. My son actually obtained a babysitting job for the summer, it's only 4 hrs a day, but he will be raking in a whole $100 a week!!! That's a lot of cash for a 15 yr old. Oh the plans he already has for that money. New IPOD, new bike, clothes, a new cell phone. Oh wow.. I can already hear it
"Mom, can you pay half and I'll pay half"
"Mom, I swear I will pay you back"
"Mom, P L E A S E!!!???"
It will be a great lesson in money management for him.
My daughter already has a part time job working for a professional dog handler. Her first work weekend is next weekend. She doesn't get paid alot, but she gets about $50 or so a weekend.. that's alot of money for her.. hell she's only 12.
The girl child graduates from 6th grade on Tuesday... moving on up into the great big world of Middle School, the drama is already surrounding her so much so that I cant keep up. What amazes me is how many friends that girl has. Especially because she's so dang bossy. Controlling, argumentative and well, she's kind of a bully... hey I can say that she's a mini me... ;)
But I swear there are always kids at our house, staying the night or just always there! There's even a boy that hangs out ALL THE TIME..... he seems like a good kid and he minds his manners.. I actually think he's in "like" with my daughter but luckily she has no desire to have a "boyfriend" she says their just good friends.. believe you and me though, I do not leave them alone for any point and time!
The boy... he's starting to run with an interesting group of kids. I cant tell him who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. I remember when my father used to pull that on me and all it would do would push me closer to those kids that he didn't want me to associate with. So I just told Wanna-be-man-child that he needs to watch his back and always keep his head about him. Of course this did make me pull the reigns in a little tighter and now he has an earlier curfew and his time is limited with these friends......
Other than that...
I'm going to go get my endorsement so I can start riding... I'm ready to hit the open road with vibrations between my legs and the wind in my hair. A few of my other friends are in the process of getting their motorcycle endorsements and that way this summer we can all hit the open road and ride ride ride!!! Woo Hoo!!! I'm really looking forward to that!
Nothing overly exciting on the man front. I'm in blah blah land.. not in the mood for much of anything.... even satisfying myself isn't satisfying.. what the hell is wrong with me?
Well.. on that note.. I'm out...
Peace!
Only 3 more school days left, then summer officially begins. My son actually obtained a babysitting job for the summer, it's only 4 hrs a day, but he will be raking in a whole $100 a week!!! That's a lot of cash for a 15 yr old. Oh the plans he already has for that money. New IPOD, new bike, clothes, a new cell phone. Oh wow.. I can already hear it
"Mom, can you pay half and I'll pay half"
"Mom, I swear I will pay you back"
"Mom, P L E A S E!!!???"
It will be a great lesson in money management for him.
My daughter already has a part time job working for a professional dog handler. Her first work weekend is next weekend. She doesn't get paid alot, but she gets about $50 or so a weekend.. that's alot of money for her.. hell she's only 12.
The girl child graduates from 6th grade on Tuesday... moving on up into the great big world of Middle School, the drama is already surrounding her so much so that I cant keep up. What amazes me is how many friends that girl has. Especially because she's so dang bossy. Controlling, argumentative and well, she's kind of a bully... hey I can say that she's a mini me... ;)
But I swear there are always kids at our house, staying the night or just always there! There's even a boy that hangs out ALL THE TIME..... he seems like a good kid and he minds his manners.. I actually think he's in "like" with my daughter but luckily she has no desire to have a "boyfriend" she says their just good friends.. believe you and me though, I do not leave them alone for any point and time!
The boy... he's starting to run with an interesting group of kids. I cant tell him who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. I remember when my father used to pull that on me and all it would do would push me closer to those kids that he didn't want me to associate with. So I just told Wanna-be-man-child that he needs to watch his back and always keep his head about him. Of course this did make me pull the reigns in a little tighter and now he has an earlier curfew and his time is limited with these friends......
Other than that...
I'm going to go get my endorsement so I can start riding... I'm ready to hit the open road with vibrations between my legs and the wind in my hair. A few of my other friends are in the process of getting their motorcycle endorsements and that way this summer we can all hit the open road and ride ride ride!!! Woo Hoo!!! I'm really looking forward to that!
Nothing overly exciting on the man front. I'm in blah blah land.. not in the mood for much of anything.... even satisfying myself isn't satisfying.. what the hell is wrong with me?
Well.. on that note.. I'm out...
Peace!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Grammy - Always and Forever
Sometimes in life you are blessed not only to have the unconditional love of your parents.. but to have the unconditional love of a Grandparent.
I was blessed. My Grammy lived with us, she spent the majority of her time with us in our home, with the occasional trips to Minnesota - to spend time with other relatives. I was her baby girl.. not her first grandchild, nor her first Granddaughter.. but.. out of the 4 Grandchildren she was blessed with, I was one of her favorites.
Our home was less than a block away from the elementary school that I attended, Grammy would meet me at the local city bus stop after school - and we would jump on the city bus and head off to our daily ritual. She knew all the bus drivers by name, they all adored her. She was 5'4 - striking red curly hair and maybe 100lbs soaking wet. Full of piss and vinegar. Had the laugh of angels & the tongue of a sailor! She was my everything... I valued her more than my own Mother.
We would ride the bus to the local Woolworth's - where they still had a soda fountain in the store, I was allowed to have some form of sweets, as long as I didn't tell my Mother, while Grammy sat there drank her coffee and had her allocated 2 cigarettes. She always told me, This is a bad nasty habit little one - do not ever do as I do! - I realize now, so many years later, this was Grammy's way of 'hushing' me up...hehehe..she was a sneaky little gal!
Since I had my sweets & Grammy had her bad addictions, she would make us walk the 5 miles home instead of catching the bus home. We were always home in time for dinner, during the day while us kids were at school Grammy would bake some treat for desert. Homemade Blackberry cobbler/pie, Rhubarb/Strawberry pie, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread whatever tickled her fancy during the day. Something.. always.. every night.
As I got older and more independent our time was cut less and less. I got so selfish... Never did I realize that I would loose her so early in life.
By the time I was 12 - the Alzheimer's started to rear it's ugly head. Small bouts of dementia, forgetfulness, my parents were going thru a nasty divorce and little did anyone realize how bad Grammy was getting until we received the call in the middle of the night from the local police department stating they had picked Grammy up for trying to break into another house.
You see, Grammy was getting so bad that I think we were all so caught up in our own misery, we were all being so self-absorbed, not caring about anyone else.
I was starting to experiment with drugs. My Mother was lost in her own misery. Grammy was left to fend for herself.
She was diagnosed shortly there of. Alzheimer's. It's hard as a family to pull together when something so drastic is handed to you. Your hear of other people going thru these issues with in their families, but you honestly think never in your family. Things like that happen to other people. But never you.
There were calls a few times a week from the local police dept, they had Grammy in custody because she had escaped the house, would walk the streets late at night, find a house that she thought looked familiar and would attempt to enter. Luckily.. it was the same house every time, and luckily the police and the homeowners were very understanding. We had to provide the local police dept with decaf-coffee to give to Grammy when they picked her up and they always told us the same thing... She's a delight.. she would sit and talk to all those "fine young men" and flirt and tell her stories. In Grammy's mind.. even though she was in her 80's..she honestly believed in her mind she was in her mid 20's.
Mom had to re-locate for her job to Southern Cali... I decided to stay in Washington because by this time I was 15 - and a full blown drug addict. I stayed behind to live with my Father and Mom and Grammy moved.
Mom and I lost touch over the years, due to me being so strung out and not caring about anyone or anything but myself. I believe I visited my Mother once after she moved. The 2 weeks with my Mother and my Grammy broke my heart. Grammy was in an adult daycare center and home in the evenings, Mom had to literally lock Grammy in the apartment at night, disconnect the stove and remove anything that would harm her.
It got to the point that Grammy had to be placed in a full care facility.
As the years progressed and the disease set in further and further.. her body started shutting down.. she was bed-ridden and gang-green set in... they amputated her left leg before it spread...
I received the phone call from my Mom when I was 17 the Dr's were giving her 72 hrs - if that, her vitals were slowing down.
I drove 12 hrs straight to say my goodbyes...
I walked into that care facility, headed down the long corridors, looking at other patients and thinking how I never want to live like this. All these people that I'm sure have wonderful stories to tell, families somewhere but probably don't get enough visitors...
As I walked those halls, I couldn't stop, I walked right by her room and just kept walking, I could not face her. I was not prepared at all to see how she looked
When I finally gained the courage to walk into her room at the nursing home..My Grammy was not who was laying in that bed, the skeleton of someone else was there, her eyes were vacant, that vibrant perfect red hair was stringy & gray..gone was that twinkle.. that smile.. those words of encouragement.
Who laid there, was someone I didn't know..one look at the women who laid there, and you could tell, this was someone who was wanting to say her goodbyes... but was being forced to live, not on her own will either.
I lifted her frail hand.. kissed her cheek.. and told her I loved her... she turned her face towards me.. and said my name. I cried. Ive heard it said that Alzheimer's patients right before death come back to the present. They know who is around them, they know what is going on. I don't know if that is true. But Grammy knew me.. she hadn't known anyone for many years. My Mom was her sister. My oldest cousin was my Grammy's niece not Granddaughter and when I had visited her years before I was my cousin.
She hung on for the 2 days that I was there. We talked.. like the old days from so many years before. I was 6 yrs old again.. My Grammy was taking me to Woolworth's to the soda fountain for my sweet treat while she had her 2 cigarettes and her cup of coffee....
She remembered me. She knew exactly who I was. I would sit there, tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. She would tell me she loved me and to be a good girl, and she told me that she would always be watching over me.
The day I had to leave... she grabbed my hand and said
"It's time baby.. I love you always and forever"
I drove home that afternoon.... I got the phone call the next morning
Grammy was gone
I named my daughter after her and I honestly believe that Grammy is there.. my daughter has her eyes.. that twinkle... and that piss and vinegar...
She's watching over me
I do hope I have made her proud!
I love you Grammy... Always and Forever
I was blessed. My Grammy lived with us, she spent the majority of her time with us in our home, with the occasional trips to Minnesota - to spend time with other relatives. I was her baby girl.. not her first grandchild, nor her first Granddaughter.. but.. out of the 4 Grandchildren she was blessed with, I was one of her favorites.
Our home was less than a block away from the elementary school that I attended, Grammy would meet me at the local city bus stop after school - and we would jump on the city bus and head off to our daily ritual. She knew all the bus drivers by name, they all adored her. She was 5'4 - striking red curly hair and maybe 100lbs soaking wet. Full of piss and vinegar. Had the laugh of angels & the tongue of a sailor! She was my everything... I valued her more than my own Mother.
We would ride the bus to the local Woolworth's - where they still had a soda fountain in the store, I was allowed to have some form of sweets, as long as I didn't tell my Mother, while Grammy sat there drank her coffee and had her allocated 2 cigarettes. She always told me, This is a bad nasty habit little one - do not ever do as I do! - I realize now, so many years later, this was Grammy's way of 'hushing' me up...hehehe..she was a sneaky little gal!
Since I had my sweets & Grammy had her bad addictions, she would make us walk the 5 miles home instead of catching the bus home. We were always home in time for dinner, during the day while us kids were at school Grammy would bake some treat for desert. Homemade Blackberry cobbler/pie, Rhubarb/Strawberry pie, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread whatever tickled her fancy during the day. Something.. always.. every night.
As I got older and more independent our time was cut less and less. I got so selfish... Never did I realize that I would loose her so early in life.
By the time I was 12 - the Alzheimer's started to rear it's ugly head. Small bouts of dementia, forgetfulness, my parents were going thru a nasty divorce and little did anyone realize how bad Grammy was getting until we received the call in the middle of the night from the local police department stating they had picked Grammy up for trying to break into another house.
You see, Grammy was getting so bad that I think we were all so caught up in our own misery, we were all being so self-absorbed, not caring about anyone else.
I was starting to experiment with drugs. My Mother was lost in her own misery. Grammy was left to fend for herself.
She was diagnosed shortly there of. Alzheimer's. It's hard as a family to pull together when something so drastic is handed to you. Your hear of other people going thru these issues with in their families, but you honestly think never in your family. Things like that happen to other people. But never you.
There were calls a few times a week from the local police dept, they had Grammy in custody because she had escaped the house, would walk the streets late at night, find a house that she thought looked familiar and would attempt to enter. Luckily.. it was the same house every time, and luckily the police and the homeowners were very understanding. We had to provide the local police dept with decaf-coffee to give to Grammy when they picked her up and they always told us the same thing... She's a delight.. she would sit and talk to all those "fine young men" and flirt and tell her stories. In Grammy's mind.. even though she was in her 80's..she honestly believed in her mind she was in her mid 20's.
Mom had to re-locate for her job to Southern Cali... I decided to stay in Washington because by this time I was 15 - and a full blown drug addict. I stayed behind to live with my Father and Mom and Grammy moved.
Mom and I lost touch over the years, due to me being so strung out and not caring about anyone or anything but myself. I believe I visited my Mother once after she moved. The 2 weeks with my Mother and my Grammy broke my heart. Grammy was in an adult daycare center and home in the evenings, Mom had to literally lock Grammy in the apartment at night, disconnect the stove and remove anything that would harm her.
It got to the point that Grammy had to be placed in a full care facility.
As the years progressed and the disease set in further and further.. her body started shutting down.. she was bed-ridden and gang-green set in... they amputated her left leg before it spread...
I received the phone call from my Mom when I was 17 the Dr's were giving her 72 hrs - if that, her vitals were slowing down.
I drove 12 hrs straight to say my goodbyes...
I walked into that care facility, headed down the long corridors, looking at other patients and thinking how I never want to live like this. All these people that I'm sure have wonderful stories to tell, families somewhere but probably don't get enough visitors...
As I walked those halls, I couldn't stop, I walked right by her room and just kept walking, I could not face her. I was not prepared at all to see how she looked
When I finally gained the courage to walk into her room at the nursing home..My Grammy was not who was laying in that bed, the skeleton of someone else was there, her eyes were vacant, that vibrant perfect red hair was stringy & gray..gone was that twinkle.. that smile.. those words of encouragement.
Who laid there, was someone I didn't know..one look at the women who laid there, and you could tell, this was someone who was wanting to say her goodbyes... but was being forced to live, not on her own will either.
I lifted her frail hand.. kissed her cheek.. and told her I loved her... she turned her face towards me.. and said my name. I cried. Ive heard it said that Alzheimer's patients right before death come back to the present. They know who is around them, they know what is going on. I don't know if that is true. But Grammy knew me.. she hadn't known anyone for many years. My Mom was her sister. My oldest cousin was my Grammy's niece not Granddaughter and when I had visited her years before I was my cousin.
She hung on for the 2 days that I was there. We talked.. like the old days from so many years before. I was 6 yrs old again.. My Grammy was taking me to Woolworth's to the soda fountain for my sweet treat while she had her 2 cigarettes and her cup of coffee....
She remembered me. She knew exactly who I was. I would sit there, tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. She would tell me she loved me and to be a good girl, and she told me that she would always be watching over me.
The day I had to leave... she grabbed my hand and said
"It's time baby.. I love you always and forever"
I drove home that afternoon.... I got the phone call the next morning
Grammy was gone
I named my daughter after her and I honestly believe that Grammy is there.. my daughter has her eyes.. that twinkle... and that piss and vinegar...
She's watching over me
I do hope I have made her proud!
I love you Grammy... Always and Forever
Monday, May 18, 2009
Vibrations!
The weather in the great Puget Sound was absolutely beautiful this past weekend...
I enjoyed the sun so much that my wee little nose it sun burnt.. What is it about fresh air, sun and the vibrations of a Harley between your legs that makes you so sleepy?
I attended the Port Townsend Rhody Festival this last weekend.. w/some dear friends..nothing like camping near the Puget Sound, bar-b-queuing, sitting around doing shots of Fireball, Slippery Nipples..have a few Rum n Cokes...and hearing the occasional sound of a well tuned bike rev it's engine. Ah... music to the ears!
Makes me realize how much I love the great outdoors, well, when it's not raining anyway, and believe me this part of the region gets plenty of rain so when the sun comes out, people that you didn't even know existed come out of the wood!
This weekend made me realize how much more I would appreciate the summer months if I could ride myself. Don't get me wrong I do love to sit astride a bike, enjoying the ride w/out a care in the world. But, I think I would enjoy it that much more if I was in control of the bars.. cruising the road w/all that power between my legs... oh yeah.. the power what an aphrodisiac!
Yes.. I am ready for the summer to come, I'm ready to enjoy my time... sun...sand..surf.. and Riding free!
I enjoyed the sun so much that my wee little nose it sun burnt.. What is it about fresh air, sun and the vibrations of a Harley between your legs that makes you so sleepy?
I attended the Port Townsend Rhody Festival this last weekend.. w/some dear friends..nothing like camping near the Puget Sound, bar-b-queuing, sitting around doing shots of Fireball, Slippery Nipples..have a few Rum n Cokes...and hearing the occasional sound of a well tuned bike rev it's engine. Ah... music to the ears!
Makes me realize how much I love the great outdoors, well, when it's not raining anyway, and believe me this part of the region gets plenty of rain so when the sun comes out, people that you didn't even know existed come out of the wood!
This weekend made me realize how much more I would appreciate the summer months if I could ride myself. Don't get me wrong I do love to sit astride a bike, enjoying the ride w/out a care in the world. But, I think I would enjoy it that much more if I was in control of the bars.. cruising the road w/all that power between my legs... oh yeah.. the power what an aphrodisiac!
Yes.. I am ready for the summer to come, I'm ready to enjoy my time... sun...sand..surf.. and Riding free!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Im a little birdie.. free... free...free....
The talk came after an akward evening where I spent my evening drowning my unhappiness in double rum n cokes w/a lime...
I probably consumed my own bottle or Bacardi, how I do enjoy a good rum!
The text messages started filtering in around 11 or so, to the tune of poor me, whoa is me
so forth and so on.
Im not a cheater... I have never cheated on my significant other.
I was ready to go out and find some random man, and have my way with him.....
just to prove a point!
The messages started flying even quicker... one right after another, they ranged between two emotional sets, Anger & Pity
I came to some realizations that night, standing outside a bar, talking to some strange guy about all the going on's in my home.
Im not happy
Im not attracted to him
I need a MAN! not a whinny ass little boy
So, the talk came finally...
needless to say....
This little birdie..is free... free... FRRREEEEEE!!!!!!
Time for me to call my booty call.. woop woop!!!!
I probably consumed my own bottle or Bacardi, how I do enjoy a good rum!
The text messages started filtering in around 11 or so, to the tune of poor me, whoa is me
so forth and so on.
Im not a cheater... I have never cheated on my significant other.
I was ready to go out and find some random man, and have my way with him.....
just to prove a point!
The messages started flying even quicker... one right after another, they ranged between two emotional sets, Anger & Pity
I came to some realizations that night, standing outside a bar, talking to some strange guy about all the going on's in my home.
Im not happy
Im not attracted to him
I need a MAN! not a whinny ass little boy
So, the talk came finally...
needless to say....
This little birdie..is free... free... FRRREEEEEE!!!!!!
Time for me to call my booty call.. woop woop!!!!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Food for thought.. or is it stuck in my teeth?
So.. he's here, that long lost love of mine from many many years ago.
Arrived a few months ago, and I can honestly say... I don't like it!
I don't like it one bit.
I miss my freedom, that's what this all boils down to.
I miss my freedom. My freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.
Selfish? Probably
Do I care? Not at the moment
I'm at a loss of what to do. He's an OK guy, but I honestly think it all boils down to me getting this assumption that things would be great, putting so much expectation on what was, what could be and not really thinking the whole big picture through. He gets along with the kids OK. There have been a few rough patches but it's getting better. He gets along great with the dogs, I suppose that's a plus. However, it's been just over 3 months, and still unemployed. I'm starting to feel as if he's just here to live off of me. Yes, I have had this talk with him already, I laid it all out for him. My feelings, my thoughts.... he swears he's not a mooch..all he wants is happiness. But, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the last 3 weeks, and it's slowly getting worse.
What do I do now? He has nowhere to go, no job, no friends, no money. Nothing.. Did I lead him on? Did I make promises that I need to keep? Should I buy him a one way ticket back to where he came from?
It boils down to me. Again, selfish... but I lived in misery once already, for many many years. Hell was my back door and the happiness part of my life at that point was far far away. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy to be alone. I reached that point and started dating again. But I still had my freedom. I'm not me anymore. It's only been a few short months.. and I'm not me. And that worries me.
How can someone love you 20 yrs later. They have no clue who you are. What you have become. Thoughts, beliefs, opinions, out look on life, wants, desires. Do I even care about him? I get frustrated more than anything. Frustrated at comments, how he thinks, and OMG.. the sex... the sex is unsatisfying... I find myself faking it more than anything... what's the point?
What is the point?
Maybe it's just time.. to say goodbye.. and see ya.. cuz I cant do this..
why live my life unhappy?
It's my life after all.... Ive given up so much, and have come so far, so it wouldn't be worth it to accomplish all that I have accomplished.. to just bring me back down again.
Arrived a few months ago, and I can honestly say... I don't like it!
I don't like it one bit.
I miss my freedom, that's what this all boils down to.
I miss my freedom. My freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.
Selfish? Probably
Do I care? Not at the moment
I'm at a loss of what to do. He's an OK guy, but I honestly think it all boils down to me getting this assumption that things would be great, putting so much expectation on what was, what could be and not really thinking the whole big picture through. He gets along with the kids OK. There have been a few rough patches but it's getting better. He gets along great with the dogs, I suppose that's a plus. However, it's been just over 3 months, and still unemployed. I'm starting to feel as if he's just here to live off of me. Yes, I have had this talk with him already, I laid it all out for him. My feelings, my thoughts.... he swears he's not a mooch..all he wants is happiness. But, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the last 3 weeks, and it's slowly getting worse.
What do I do now? He has nowhere to go, no job, no friends, no money. Nothing.. Did I lead him on? Did I make promises that I need to keep? Should I buy him a one way ticket back to where he came from?
It boils down to me. Again, selfish... but I lived in misery once already, for many many years. Hell was my back door and the happiness part of my life at that point was far far away. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy to be alone. I reached that point and started dating again. But I still had my freedom. I'm not me anymore. It's only been a few short months.. and I'm not me. And that worries me.
How can someone love you 20 yrs later. They have no clue who you are. What you have become. Thoughts, beliefs, opinions, out look on life, wants, desires. Do I even care about him? I get frustrated more than anything. Frustrated at comments, how he thinks, and OMG.. the sex... the sex is unsatisfying... I find myself faking it more than anything... what's the point?
What is the point?
Maybe it's just time.. to say goodbye.. and see ya.. cuz I cant do this..
why live my life unhappy?
It's my life after all.... Ive given up so much, and have come so far, so it wouldn't be worth it to accomplish all that I have accomplished.. to just bring me back down again.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
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