Oh Memories!!!

I have so many memories running through my head this morning, getting preparation of today's post. As I stood in the shower this morning thinking about days gone by, I made the decision (in a lack of caffeine induced state) to start at the beginning. Well.. today anyway, I reserve the right to change my mind. Cuz, well I can!!!!

So.. sit down, and grab a cup of coffee/tea/vodka.. whatever your little heart desires, and lets take a stroll down my memory lane.

1982 - I was 10, and thought my life was pretty secure and set in it's ways. My Mother was a god fearing, church going fanatic. I'm not talking your basic run of the mill church, I'm talking, no birthdays, no Christmas, no Easter, no Holidays. No NOTHING. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Complete with door shacking, week long gatherings, "meetings" 3x a week. I was only allowed to consort w/other JW children. I wasn't allowed to watch the smurfs, as mom said they were little blue devils (???????) I wasn't allowed to say the pledge of allegiance in school, I wasn't allowed to participate in any of the reindeer games... sorry.. had a Rudolph moment :) seriously tho, if we had a Valentines party at school, I had to go sit in the office, or Easter party, Christmas party.. whatever.. I was the only JW in the school.. which in turn, made me the FREAK!!!

My father was not a JW... he was as rough as they came, from my little girl eyes. A biker, who had some seedy friends. How my mother and him ever made it 22 yrs in marriage I will never understand, they were as opposite as night & day. I vaguely remember my dad in those early years. I knew that there was a man living in our house, who didn't have much to do with us kids, because my mom had us so brain washed. Whenever he would attempt to intervene, dear ol' Mom would step in and take charge. My brothers state that they remember alot more of dad than I do. Maybe it was because he was closer to the boys because Mom didn't become a JW until right after I was born, so my two older brothers had a relationship w/dad prior to the JW world kicking in. That, and the fact I was a girl, he had NO clue what to do with a little girl.

Dad lost his job due to down sizing w/in his company, so he took a new job, and our family decided to make a move to Aztec, New Mexico. Now, let me set a picture for you. I moved from a small city with local bus routes, walking to school, movie theaters, the hustle and bustle of city life. To a one horse town, 30 miles from the nearest mall (not that I did the mall scene often I was only 10) We moved to a house in the middle of absolutely no where, off of Old Route 99, it was a 45 min yellow limo ride to school. The sign into town said something like "Welcome to Aztec, population 600 and 6 grumpy old men" I met one of those grumpy old men, he made me cry when I was 11 from door shaking.. yeah.. what a culture shock.

My parent's marriage slowly deteriorated once we moved to Aztec, my parents arguments started getting worse and worse, and my father started drinking more and more and more, and staying out later and later and later. Mom started relying on her faith more and more and more, my brothers started becoming more resistant on going to "meetings", and if my memory serves me right, dad finally stepped in and said enough was enough, mom could take me, but the boys were allowed to live there own life's!
My oldest brother got married at 18, had his first kid at 19, second at 21.. and that's a whole different story. My other brother.. I'm not really sure what he did during those 3 yrs of living in Aztec, he was my nemesis.. and he and I didn't have alot to do w/each other.

Jump forward to when I turned 12, Dad decided he was going to have something to do with me, and since dad was an avid hunter, he decided that it was time for me to learn the rules of gun safety and to kill my first deer. I was so excited!!! I was finally going to spend time with my father, who by this time was a shadow in my life. I went thru gun safety class, passed it w/flying colors ( I could out shoot any of the guys in the class) and my first hunting trip w/my dad and my brothers and 2 other friends of my father came all to quickly... my life changed forever on that trip.

We setup camp, we ate, dad started drinking, the guys all decided to play a card game called bullshit. I got to play too.. but the one rule, was.. I actually had to say bull shit!!! me.. the good little JW girl, got to swear.. I remember I was so embarrassed. I thought that the heavens above would open up and a lightening bolt would come down and kill me on the spot. But it never happened. Towards the end of the game, I was yelling bullshit.. BULLSHIT!!!! and I think I even copped a little buzz... because I kept taking swigs off my dad's beer when he wasn't looking. AAAHHHH... my wayward days started early!!!

The next morning, we got up early and went tracking. Didn't see much, but that fateful day will be etched in my memory banks forever. The boys went in one direction, dad's friends in the other, and my father and I, were alone... Together.. just he and I. Finally, after 12 yrs on this earth, it was just me and my Daddy. What else could a girl ask for, but time with her Dad.
We tracked, we walked, we waited. We saw deer, moose, birds.. but nothing worthy of me showing to my dad that I could shoot Bambie.
What I remember most tho... is walking down that old logging road, with a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. The sun just rising over the valley, birds waking up, the grass still dewy from the fog. My father looking at me, and saying. "Barney.. your mother and I have decided we are going to separate. We no longer love each other and our lives are going in different directions, I'm moving back to Washington w/your brother B and you and your mom will follow later. But, her and I will be getting a divorce, I felt it was my responsibility to tell you"

I stopped in the middle of that road, and just stood there staring at my father.. seeing the sun rise behind him. Me, 12 yrs old, in my flannel shirt, hiking boots, a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. Thinking to myself............................................................................................................
It's about damn time!!!!

He asked what I thought, if I had any questions..
I looked at my father and told him... Good.. you two are not meant for each other.

Little did I realize that day sealed my fate. It opened up a whole new world for me. As the coming years would bring new friends, bad friends, new & bad experiences into my life.
Little did I realize it was an awakening for me. For me to spread my wings, step out from underneath my Mother's faith and to learn who I truly was.

Little did I realize, that fateful day would turn me into a drug addict!

Finger Painting

Mini Puke!!

I HATE THIS FUCKING HOLIDAY!!!!

Enough said

Im out

Friday Memories

Ive decided that every Friday I will re-live an old memory from my past.
Some may be entertaining, embarrassing.. or having you think..WTF????

So.. Here we go...

Many Many years ago.. I was a really wayward teen. I didn't know my ass from a whole in the ground.. and gawd forbid if any authority figure attempted to tell me what to do, how to do it, or where to do it.

When I was 16, I made a decision to drop out of school, and hit the streets, mind you, I had been on & off the streets since I was 13, but when I was 16, I decided I was done w/parental guidelines.
So.. bye bye to comfort, hello to sleeping in cars, missing meals, no showers, and dirty clothes. Why? All for a man. I say man, because he was 23... so..not mature himself, yet, 7 years older than I. Jim... he was my all back then, he gave me comfort when I felt I wasn't getting it from home, along w/a lifestyle that I thought I wanted to be a part of.

Jim was my everything back in those days... what ever he said to do.. is what I did. So... one sunny summery day, he and I.. S & J.. decided.. to head to Eastern WA... and live like nomads, and just be.. we had an old beater car (how that P.O.S. made it over the pass..I have no clue)
So..off we went, landed in Richland, and decided to live outta the car on the Columbia River.
Oh.. it was gorgeous, warm weather, freedom.. oh the smell of freedom!!
Little did I realize, what was to come next... ownership... oh.. the acid smell of ownership. Jim decided, he owned me.. he decided that I was his.. he was my master. I was to do what he said, when he said, how many times he said to do..whatever it was he wanted me to do.

He never laid a hand on me, he never said a cross word to me, at least, not in the beginning, he always told me I was his everything, I was his all. He would tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. However, if I was to talk to another male, things would turn ugly. What little personal possesions I had with me, would be ripped apart and destroyed. How those times broke my heart, and tear me apart. I never realized what he was doing to me, emotional abuse is the rawest. Little did I realize, he was ripping me apart from my past, so that I would forget my family that I walked away from. So that he would become my world. Little by little.. he did become my world..

Dont get me wrong, I had some great times on those river banks...S & I would drink, and dance, drink and dance. We promised each other we would always be there for each other, no matter what would happen, our friendship would last the test of time... thank the lucky stars above, our friendship has lasted, and to this day (20+yrs later we are still very close)

We met many a cool people that summer, S & I gave each other homemade tattoo's w/needles, thread, and indian ink.. we smoked to much weed.. and drank to much Nighttrain. We laughed under the pale moon light. Crazy things, we should of been children of the 60's..but... we were children of the late 80's! Jamming out to Def Leppard, Poison, Skid Row, Metallica, and whatever else our portable stereo would play for us.

Finally, I think reality started to set in w/all of us. Jim started getting mean, cross words were starting to be said. The occasional slap, to keep me in line, to show me he cared was his reasoning, and that I needed to pay attention. Then, the night came.. when finally I decided it was time to go home
But.. I never made it home, I ended up.... in Los Angeles California...
To this day, Im unsure of what he gave me to keep me asleep all that time, I remember bit's & pieces of the road trip..but not much, he wanted me to myself.. w/no one else around.
So.. he stole a car, put me into it, w/the help of another guy he met along the way. And off we went.. into the wild blue wonder.

Los Angeles... WOW!!!!
He left me alone in a hotel room.. where he got money for that.. no idea..
I had an Aunt & Uncle who lived in LA.. I called.. they picked me up.. Thank you..
they saved me.. for a brief period of time.. they saved me.
I bounced around Cali.. LA... to Torrence.. to San Fran.. Hayward.. Castro Valley..
finally home.. back to WA.. where my friends and family were..
Back to those, that loved me.. back into the arms of love.

I found salvation, in Community Youth Service (another post.. )
then.. 6 months after being home, and finding myself..
I look up from my table, and who do I see?
Jim..
he's back.. I was told later, I went white, I stopped breathing, started shaking
and then passed out.. right in the middle of the yogurt shop. Cold as could be..
Gone!!! took them forever to revive me Im told.

I steared clear of Jim as much as possible, but word was out, he was looking for me.
Word was out he was a man on a mission, and that he was telling everyone he would find me
and I would be his again. That things were different, his family straightened him out (as they lived in San Diego) and that he was a new man, a better man.. and he wanted to prove it.

Seriously, at 16.. what do you believe? Who do you believe? What do you choose? Who do you choose?
I made a choice, right or wrong.. I made a choice.. finally I agreed to see him, and listen to what he had to say. The man I fell in love with once upon a time, stood in front of me, his crop of curly brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, looking at me once again.. like I was his world.. his all.. his everything... and I fell in love all over again!!!

I was off the drugs, he was off the drugs.. ahhh... but.. we still drank(some habits are hard to break..LOL).. but.. it was so much different this time.. we were fun again.. no bad words, no hits, no nothing..
everything was good.. we dated for 2 more yrs (so much happened in those 2 yrs).. then when I turned 19.. I decided.. it was time to get a life.. a home.. and he decided... he wanted to go back to drinking & druggin..

And I moved on.. turned my life around.. got off the drugs completly.. and cleaned myself up.

Ran into Jim from time to time, and everytime I did, it would break my heart a little bit each time. To see how he was deteriorating. But to see that face, his eyes, his hair, and that smile, always warmed a small piece of my heart.

He finally did one to many drugs, and OD' in 2000. When he passed, a piece of me passed with him. Because regardless for all that he and I went thru, he had a huge part to do with a piece of my life. A piece of my history that I would never change. We had our bumpy road, we fixed it, and things were so much better. I will always miss my friend.

Every Friday I will post some memory.. there is so much more to tell of Jim..
so many good times that he and I shared..
so many other times that I had w/others..
some of those days are still very blury for me, as I blocked out alot and face it
I was strung out on multiple forms of whatever to pass the time that it's really fuzzy..
Please dont judge, unless youve walked a mile in my shoes

Peace

So it's been written....

So.. it's been written
in the chronicles of Barney that some things should be real....

The feel of hands on my body
The feel of silk against my skin
The feel of something real

The feel of a cool breeze against my flushed skin
The feel of my lovers lips across my breast
The feel of something real

To feel whole again
To feel a part of something again
To feel something real

To feel the newness
To feel the wholeness
To feel something real

So it's been written in the chronicles
but.. do the chronicles ever come to be real?

Trouble at 9!

Article from local paper:

TACOMA -- A court hearing is scheduled next month to determine whether a 9-year-old boy who ran away from home and talked his way onto two flights to Texas may be charged in a car theft and police chase.

Semaj Booker, whose determined effort to get to his grandfather in Dallas made national headlines earlier this month, appeared briefly Monday before Superior Court Judge John A. McCarthy, who ruled there was probable cause for a hearing in the car theft case.
The boy is accused of stealing a neighbor's car on Jan. 14 in Lakewood, a suburb south of the city, and leading police on a chase at speeds up to 80 mph on State Route 512 before the engine blew.
Unable to find a juvenile detention center to accept the boy because of his youth, police returned him to his mother, who reported him missing the next morning.

He was detained that night, Jan. 15, in San Antonio, where he managed to fly from Seattle with a plane change in Phoenix after giving Southwest Airlines agents a false name and claiming to be 12 years old.

The court case concerns charges of second-degree car theft and attempting to elude a pursuing police vehicle, both felonies, and driving without a valid driver's license.
Under state law, a child 8 to 11 years old is presumed to be incapable of committing a crime unless prosecutors prove he understood what he did and knew it was wrong. McCarthy scheduled a ''capacity hearing'' to answer those questions for Feb. 12.

The boy remained in the custody of his mother, Sakinah Booker, but the judge ordered that he remain under constant adult supervision, be kept home except for attending school and not drive any motor vehicles.

April Kettner, whose car was stolen, attended the hearing and said afterward that the vehicle remained inoperable and impounded.
''I would just like to see them held accountable for what he's done,'' Kettner said

So.. this is open for discussion..
Im mixed on this.. I think a few things need to happen here
First and for most, this child needs to understand that for every action there is an effect.
That when you do a crime, of any form regardless of the severity, there are consequences.
However, at the age of 9, does this child understand any of this?
I realize alot is dependant upon the childs understanding, meaning does he have the intelligance to understand right from wrong.
At the age of 9, one would hope that he has the basic fundementals to understand right from wrong, but what about his home life?
Is it stable?
Loving/caring enviroment?
understanding?
Taught the basic priniples of life?
Do not steal! ( this is already proven to be null)
Do not lie (again.. proven to be null as the boy lied multiple times at the airport)
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Be respectful of yourself and others, to both your person and to others belongings (do I need to say it?)
So forth and so on..

In another of news reports, the mother stated how proud she was of her son. Proud? Proud of the ingenuity her son showed.. ok... I can sort of grasp that..but not really.. how embarrassing as a mother to have a child who has no care for others around him.. to show to the world that your parenting skills are so lacking that your 9 yr old steals/lies & cheats.
What type of child will he grow up to be?
Or.. do you feel that this child is crying out for help?
After all... other reports state, all he wanted to do was get to his Grandfather who lives in Texas.


So.. open up for forum..
what are your thoughts on this matter?

Monday... things

I really dont have much of anything to post.. so I will post random items

1) Company holiday party Saturday night.. way after the holidays..
which I guess is ok... so anyhow... it was in T-Town at the Glass musuem, which was nice looking at all the blown glass sculptures. To recap the evening really quick..
a) I had to dress up.. skirt, heels, makeup, hair, nylons
normally this wouldnt be a bad thing.. but I dont dress up for work.. and I guess I had forgotten how much effing trouble it is to attempt to get all "gussied" up... and my feet still hurt :(
b) Suppose to be there by 7, didnt get there until 7:30, which not to bad, still got a nice table.. but not w/those I really wished to sit with..but they were still sociable people.
c) The food sucked!!!! But.. there was an open bar
d) I drank them out of rum.. and I didnt get drunk.. cuz there wasnt that much rum
e) My picture was taken.. holy shit Im fat!!!
f) My feet hurt
g) I never did get drunk
h) we left early, as my friends husband was bored.. and didnt want to be there any longer, and since I road w/them.. I kind of had to go...
which in itself was kind of a bummer, cuz the band was just starting and I wanted to kind of stay and socialize.. but.. I guess it's a good thing we left.. because we got back to her house........and well..........................................................................................
dinner didnt stay in my tummy!!! :(

2) Havnt heard from not so smart daddy.. which is fine.. whatever.. either he doesnt remember how to turn on his computer and check his email.. or.. he didnt understand what I wrote.

3) Im going to kill the dogs!!!! We have English Mastiff's the really huge drooling, giant, road block of a dog.. (we raise, show & breed) one of the bitches is in heat.. and the male is going INSANE!!!! picture 210 lbs of dog attempting to smash thru the door!! oh yeah.. it's been fun, I cant wait until that kennel is built.. finally got the funding.. yeah!!!!

4) I was just informed my tire is flat on my car :( yeah.. fun.. niiiiice

5) My coffee taste's funny...

6) Im hungry.. but.. the pics from the party, made me realize.. Im not so pretty anymore, Im starting to look like the good year blimp, think Jenny Craig would pay me to loose weight like they did for Kristie Alley? 2 things would be accomplished, I would loose weight and get money, 2 things I want and need badly!!

7) My son is 13, and is hormonal and if he doesnt straighten up Im gonna either end up in Western State or prison..

8) I found some old friends I went to high school with on myspace... it was fun to re-connect and chat and see how they are doing.

9) I think my fish is dying.. I have a betta on my desk at work, he's 4yrs I think, which is old for a betta.. his name is Bitchy Big Hair.. but, I think he's gonna be heading down that swirling pool of water soon. That saddens me!

10) My hands are dry... my lips are chapped, and my nose is clogged..
Its' gonna be a great day.

Peace!!!

Dear Not so smart Daddy

Letter to my son's father.. concerning him thinking he's being so smart.. as to not give his son his birthday present, all because, his son decided to spend his birthday.. the way he wanted to..

Dear Dumbass:
I spoke with K-Man last night, he informed me of your decision of not giving him his birthday present , that he instead has to earn it back.

Showing a child his birthday present and then not allowing him to have it, just because you are upset at him, is pretty rough. With his foot surgery, K-Man has been through an awful lot lately and many of the things he likes to do have been "taken away" through no fault of his own.

He made a poor choice, to which he has apologized for, but you basically just taught him that you don't forgive. And that your love is something that is earned, not given freely.
He shouldn't have to earn your love or your forgiveness.
As you certainly can attest, being a parent is about the ups & downs of raising children. Sadly, he will disappoint you from time to time, either with bad grades, lack of judgment, immaturity, or speaking w/out thinking. This is all part of growing up and we will continue to work with those issues as they come up .
K-Mans view is that you don't trust him, nor forgive him for his mistakes.

If you expect K-Man to meet a certain level of expectations, you will have to assist in reaching the levels you are setting. A gift is just that.. a gift, and children are gifts, to be cherished..

On this line is the women in your life... I was trying to get K-Man to open up the evening the two of you showed up, however K-Man doesn't feel he can speak to either of you, because you hold things over his head, and because you don't forgive, and get upset with him when he doesn't attempt to explain how he feels.
However, The women in your lifes condecending tone can be upsetting to him as are the little guilt trips about not coming and visiting. She is always complaining to him about him not coming up, or not calling . But K-Man says that he has to stay in his room in the mornings until either of you are out of bed and that it is cold because the heat is never turned on .
The comment was made by the women in your life the evening you two showed up, " that the two of you refuse to entertain K-Man. " Granted, he can find things to do on his own, however he comes to visit YOU, to spend time w/YOU... things do need to be done w/him... talking to him, playing a game, watching a movie, he is 13, doesn't always make the correct choices, and still does need some supervision.

Last concern.. your Mother.... I realize your Mother is his Grandmother, however, if she does not cease on the religious talk and the "damning" aspects of life, she will push K-Man so far away, he wont ever want anything to do with her. As is now, he doesn't even like to spend long periods of time w/Your Mother due to her preaching at him. When I try to speak to her about this, I make no progress . So.. its up to you to handle that ... or.. she wont have a Grandson, not because of me, but because K-Man doesn't want to hear it.
She is not his mother, and therefore, it is NOT her responsibility to inject religion into his life.

I continuously tell K-Man to use his words w/all three of you, but he continuously explains to me, that he can't. He doesn't feel you listen to him, nor does he feel that you would even take anything he says into consideration. He has feelings, he has thoughts, he has opinions ----He is now a 13 year old boy.

Instead of making him feel guilty for not spending HIS birthday with you, feel appreciative over the fact you have a son, who does want to spend time with you and make the most of it .
I wrote this not to start an issue but simply because your son was hurt by the actions of the last weekend--it is important to me that we give K-Man the best life he can have and teach him the best values we can.

Its been a tough end of year with the foot surgery--I am trying to keep his spirits up the best I can, and hope you will assist with that....

Your Bitchy Ex (as Im sure that's exactly what he will take from it)

I got nothing!!!

I have nothing to report people
I have no life
It's home
Work
Kids
their lives
that's it..
repeat

My son went thru his surgery just fine.. he's mending well
My daughter is doing great.. except for her 30 yr old attitude..
but, she's figuring out that even if her head spins around and she
has projectile coming out of her nose.. she still isnt gonna get what she wants.

I have NO love life.. hell..I dont want love.. I would just like to get laid!!!
but yeah.. that aint happening either.

Im on a diet.. cuz Im a fat ass.. maybe that's why Im man less..
but Im a nice person..
Im not unattractive..

Oh well..
Maybe this year will bring something good...

Peace

Remember When:

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem toget food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light re flectors, I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school , we all sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We were told to go outside and play, that ment, staying outside and finding things to do, climb trees, play ball, roll in the dirt. Not come back in in 5 min and tell your parents there is nothing to do!

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $149 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Sandy from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many social ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?


Happy New Year everyone..
nothing really to tell..
just another year.. but this one, will be a good one!!!!
Hope you enjoyed my Remember when!!!

Peace

Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

The weather outside was frightful...
Branches a blowin'
Power lines' a swingin
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Power out Thursday evening...
lost it around 11 pm

BRRR... it was cold....
lines down on both sides of our house
A transformer taken by a huge mean Pine.
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Temps dropped into the low 20's
Ice forming on windows
House temp... 42
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Finally, found a generator
Ate out alot, Casino's have generators
Won an extra $100
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Sleeping fully clothed
Sweats, hoodies, gloves, hat
Socks... I hate things on my feet when I sleep
Let it blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Monday 7:00 PM
What's that I hear?
Whats that noise?
OH MY GOD!!!
Happy Dance... for Electricity...
No more Blow, No more Blow, No more Blow!!!!

One good thing came about w/the power outage..
I got all my X-mas shopping done and all wrapped!!!!
What else was there to do but shop in the warm stores???

Peace

Dear Santa.....

One more.. to all the mom's/dad's/grandparents/or all that understand!!!

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only beheard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it beingserved in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful ifyou could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come inand dry off so you don't catch cold.Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children happy, healthy and always believing.

Random thoughts

It's Wednesday.. had no power this morning..
wind storm... uuugghhh... I can not function w/out a shower.. and coffee..
Was suppose to start a new diet this morning.. but, it says no coffee on my diet.. WTF?
So.. needless to say, I didnt start my diet.... I couldnt even shower..
I feel like Im not really here.. I feel "dirty" Im not.. I took a P T A bath..
w/the cold ass water...

My S N L (sis in law) has a large mass growing in side her.. no, she's not prego..
but they dont know what it is.. it's the size of a small nerf football... attatched to her liver.
She went in for a biopsy (sp?) yesterday.. please pray it's not cancer...and it can just be removed.. she has 5 kids... I cant take care of 5 kids if God forbid something drastic was to happen.. plus my 2.. that's 7.. Western State here I would come!!!!

My son is having surgery on Monday... he has cyst's forming between his growth plates on the top's of his feet, it's causing him loads of pain. Please send drugs for the Mommy.. so she doesnt have a nervous breakdown when he comes out of surgery and he start being whiny.. (cuz that's what he does when he's not feeling well) he will be on good drugs.. so maybe he wont be to whiny..
how about you send drugs so I dont kill his "fathers" other half.. as they have decided they need to be there... Oh God, grant me the strenght to do the things that I KNOW I should not do!!!

What else....
yeah.. nothing
Peace

To Be Fair..

To be fair I should post about my son's sperm donor too...

He's just as worthless as the other one..
Although he at least pays his child support, of course.. he's still waaaaaay behind
but.. I guess I will give him some kudos, as he's at least trying...
However, the small boy child just got off the phone w/his "father" and informed me that
Daddy dearest is purchasing an Ipod.. you know.. the really expensive one so he can download books on tape so he can listen to them at work..

hmmmm... me in my rashness, starts spewing words of discrimination against his lovely father

I know, I know bad Mommy.. Bad Bad Bad..
but damn it!!!
Small boy child has medical bills & Ortho dental bills coming out the wazzu.. and the courts stated that he not only has to pay child support but also half.. (that's 50%) of his medical/dental bills too.. and do you think he's paid any towards those???
If you guessed No.. your so smart!!!

Now.. I understand it's also my responsibility.. and hence why he pays 50%... because that's what I agreed to in court.. bringing our son into the world was both our decision. We BOTH agreed to his care. I am a firm believer in the issues between the sperm donor and me.. are just that.. between he and I.. our son is NOT brought into the middle..
Very rarely do I ever say anything negative about his sperm donor to him.. and I know and realize I should NEVER say it.. but well, not all of us are perfect, from time to time I do tend to slip up and when I do, it's a whopper..
So.. needless to say... I slipped (it's that damn red hue of anger, maybe I need some counseling)
and well anyhow.. I stated that his "father" was..... well it doesnt matter what he is..
but it wasnt nice.. at all... and I thought the small boy child would get all upset, so I apologized immediately
and well.. do you know what he said....
He said.. I know Mom... relax.. he's a dumb ass.. we have known that for years!!!

(insert open mouth astonishment)
Out of the mouths of babes
Ok.. so.. do I get upset because my son just cussed to my face..
Or.. do I acknowledge to him that... he's allowed to his opinion... or is it his opinion?
Ok.. I looked at my son.. told him I loved him... and that was going to take a bubble bath
and I needed some time alone.
He gave me a hug, told me he loved me.. and to enjoy...

Yeah.. He's 13.. he still loves me.. and he hugged me..
No payments to his bills, he buys shit he doesnt need when he should be paying for things more important...
but you know what.. I got the boy.. he loves me.. and he gave me a hug...
I get the better deal... I have the better deal...
The bills will be there.. forever.. alls well....

Peace

Aunt F.. bitch bitch bitch!!!

Im irritable!!!
Its my right... Im a female..
and P M S has SET IN!!!

Oh yeah.. I could just rip off someone's head, and shit down there neck, screw the head back on, pat them on top of their wee little noggin, and send them on their merry fucking way..
Gawd I hate it when I get like this..
I soooooooooooooooooooooooo wanna lash out at someone..
Just argue, and be really really mean!!!!

But I wont..
Im trying to calm myself.. Oh.. Im fucking trying!!!!

Excuse me.. phones ringing.. one moment please..................................................................................................................................................
Stupid mother fucking, dumb ass, ignorant, asshole!!!!
Oh..your life is so fucking hard isnt it.. your screwed????
Your Screwed? How dare you tell me how fucking screwed you are..
Why dont you try raising two kids, on your own, with no fucking help from their sperm donors.. Oh wait.. YOUR ONE OF THE SPERM DONORS.. and you have paid me $20 mother fucking dollars in 10 fucking years.. and your screwed???!!!!!
I have gone w/out so much in MY life.. because my children come first.. and you want to complain to me that your screwed????
Well.. let me think about this.. your 36 fucking yrs old, cant hold a job for no longer than 6 months.. living on someone's couch, trying to get everyone to buy your poor me act.

Well I got something for you.. (insert middle finger here)
I dont want to hear how your screwed.. why dont you try paying one of these dental bills, or buy your daughter some clothes, or pay for her dance class, or put some food on her plate, comfort her when she's sick, discipline here when she acts up, get time off work to accompany her on a field trip at school (cuz all the other parents do) buy her some new shoes, take her to the Dr when she breaks out in a rash, and get the meds to stop the itching. Explain to her why we cant afford all the items she wants. And if your really up to it.. why dont you explain to her, why you dont love her. Cuz let me tell you, she ask's me that one alot..
Mommy.. why doesnt may daddy care about me, like the other daddy's do...
yeah.. NIIIIIICE!!!!!

Your fucking screwed..
you know what you are.. and the reason is because I got the better part of your life. MY daughter... whose loving, kind, & caring... Who is going to make something out of her life and be someone.. regardless of the piece of shit father she has...

Yeah.. your right.. you are screwed!!!

(sorry for all the bad language.. but.. Im pissy.. can ya tell??)

Peace.. (Im trying to find some)

Tis the Season... blah blah blah

Normally Im not a huge Holiday cheer person. This year really isnt all that different. Why?
Well Im the believer that this is not Jesus day of birth, however, I understand this is when we celebrate the day of his birth. The real problem is, is that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost!

What is the true meaning of Christmas, again, it's all in your perception and your beliefs.
To me,
Christmas is about love, kindness, giving, generosity & caring.
However the retail world, makes it all about want want want.. give me give me give me.
It's more about the bottom dollar amount than about who you spend the time with. What you do for your community. What you do for your friends & family.

My children will be learning a valuable lesson this holiday season, they will assist me in dishing out sleeping bags to the homeless, food at the shelters, and a food drive Im holding at work for our local Senior Center. There presents will not only be materialistic, but what they give to our community also,to those that have LESS than we do. It will not just be about what's under the tree for them. But the life lessons under the tree this year, and the years to come, will be what they will learn from. Grasping the true meaning of Christmas will be on our agenda. They are old enough to learn that life is not all happy colors, but dark hues of the under world, the side of poverty that luckily has not touched us............. yet!

I wish you all Happy Holidays.. Whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza or what ever your traditions and beliefs carry you from day to day.


Peace

I got's nothing!!!

I got's nothing to talk about today.
Sad huh.
Nothing.. no ramblings rolling around in my head
Dont get me wrong.. there is always things rolling around in my head.. but nothing that is making any sense at the moment....

Anger.. it's on the outter edges again... so much so that Monday night the red hue was extremely close and was trying to grasp me. My son & daughter both looked at me and asked if I had a bad day. That snapped me back, it was like cold water being thrown in my face.
So I sat in my recliner, watched TV and talked to no-one. My poor little ones.. having to deal w/me when I get in those moods. Luckily they are older and they understand that I too have bad moments.

Other than that.. nothing..
Christmas is upon us..
Im getting closer to the shopping being done..
Wow my kids are greedy.. but I suppose all kids are... that's nothing new..
so.. they are not getting everything on their wish list.. I am not Bill Gates!!!
But, they will get a few of the items, like the cheaper ones!LOL

What else.. nope nothing.. my head is empty.. nothing in there
My son goes in for surgery.. 2 weeks..
It's a fairly easy operation, on the top of his foot.. should be in and out under an hr.
His sperm donor and his other half will be there. Oh.. yeah..
So Monday (my day of anger) was the pre-op appt for the small boy child.
So Sperm Donor and his live in were in attendance.. as the live in proceeds to quiz the Dr on the operation, and demands to see the x-rays.. WHO IN THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!!!??? Finally I had to look at her, tell her to hush up and let ME speak to the Dr.. besides, Im the one paying for it.. and Im the one who has to deal w/him for the 3 weeks that he's laid up.. not them!!
What should I expect.. they are the scum of the underbelly of Everett... (sorry to all those real people that live in Everett)
It's not HER son.. it's MY son.. and I already went thru all this w/the Dr. Pissed me right the fuck off. She wouldnt shut the hell up (just thinking about this is getting my dander up)
I went thru the 9 months 2 weeks of carrying him.. I went thru the 19 1/2 hrs of hard ass labor.. ME...not to mention putting up w/sperm donors bullshit during that time period.
Ok.. calm.. deep breaths..
relax..
sunny days.. ocean waves..
relaxations..
ok..Im better... anyhow.. where was I? Oh yeah.. so anyhow.. yeah.. his surgery is in 2 weeks.. He's worried, I was joking around with him and said that he is gonna be on drugs and feeling no pain all shall be good... they hooked my boy up.. Vicodin.. Percocet.. oh yeah.. one for small boy child.. 2 for mommy.. LOL.. IM JUST KIDDING FOLKS!!!

Ok..Im done.. Im out.. maybe more nothing's later..

Peace

Thankful

I really have nothing to write about today.. so.. I figured I would do the basic.. what are we thankful for crap.
20 things Im thankful for (lets see if I can come up w/20)

1) My children (that I was never suppose to have)
2) My Family (even after all the shit I put them thru they still
3) My job
4) My friends
5) Not marrying him
6) Rescuing my dog
7) Learning the things I did, when I learned them
8) Blogger
9) Those people that came into my life, and then left when I was done w/them
10) The Rain
11) The smell after a good rain
12) Cucumber Melon body spray
13) My sex drive
14) Having my Grammy be such an important part of my life
15) My first love, w/out him I would of never given love a chance
16) Blogger
17) Quitting drugs
18) Learning the things Ive learned over the years
19) Community Youth Services (w/out them.. I would probably be dead now)
20) My co-workers for dealing w/my shit M-F... 7-5..

Damn.. that was getting sticky at the end..

Im done!! Im outta here
Happy Turkey day to all!!!!
Peace

I feel.. ??????

I must be in need of a good cry. Do you ever feel like that? I listen to a song on the radio.. and I can feel my throat start closing up and my eyes start to water.
I was reading a story in the newspaper today, and my throat started to close up and my eyes started to water.
Listening to the DJ's on the radio talking to two sisters who have been looking for each other, for 20 yrs, and you guessed it, my throat started to close up and my eyes started to water.
On the flip side of all this sadness. Im still really fucking angry!!!
At what you ask?
So much.. and yet it's all things that I have no control over.
Tears of Anger... I need 24hrs alone by myself to just vent. Let the tears out.... allow the anger to engulf me then the depression and wait for that rare glimpse of sun that used to follow me around, and then maybe.. just maybe I will start to feel like myself again.
I tend to hide behind a smile and jokes.. making others laugh, these things normally make me feel better. But lately.. I can feel the red fingers of anger on the edges of my mind, trying to grasp me & take control of me.
Im afraid of the damage that will be done if I allow it to control me and take it's full form.

Other Things:
I got into w/a co-worker.. over something so miniscule that it rather irritated me. On Wednesday I got into work late, I asked one co-worker where another co-worker was (the co-worker I asked about is actually a friend of mine.. so I thought)
Anyhow.. Co-worker 2 came back and I asked if all was ok.. and she relays she was in a training session.. ok..no biggie.. and the rest of the day she proceeds to give me the cold shoulder and wont even speak to me. WTF?
So Thursday I ask her what her problem is.. and she states to me " I am here to do a job and Im tired of all the office BS. Im not here to make friends, I come in, I work and I dont appreciate others gossiping about me or asking my where-abouts!"
Again.. WTF?
This was via IM..
my reply to her.. after many delted responses (as Ive stated the red fingers are trying to consume me)
so.. my reply..
First.. I asked where you were because your normally at your desk, and you werent at 9:30 in the morning. I know you have been having some health issues and I was concerned.
Second.. we were not gossiping about you.. I asked.. that was that..
Third.. I do not appreciate you ASSUMING that I would talk about you behind your back. ASSUMING things does one thing.. it makes an ASS out of you.. and me.. and I dont appreciate that. In the future... how about I just dont give a shit if you are here or not!
Have a good day
She came back with the statement.. well Im over it now..
HUH? there was nothing to get over.. whatever..
So.. I guess that friendship that I thought was budding is no more.. fine.. do your fucking job....

Am in the wrong here? What did I do that was so wrong? GAWD people piss me the fuck off.. especially touchy women!!!

Other thoughts:
Yesterday at work the company thru a "mixer"
Company mixer for all the employees w/in the building to mix, eat, socialize..
food, make believe gambling tables ( I say make believe because there was no actual money involved) but there was roulette, poker, blackjack, bingo.. all in good fun.. fake money of course...
and food.. ton's of catered food.. oh.. did I mention the company provided us w/beer & wine too!!
Everyone w/in our company in order to pass background security has to be 21... so there was no issue there.. it's odd though, walking around work carrying a beer.. kind of an odd sensation!!!
Anyhow.. I didnt participate in the games.. I wasnt in the mood to socialize.. but I took them up on the free booze!!!

Another thing:
Im so disappointed w/myself... I was doing so well.. but alas... I didnt follow thru..
I started smoking again.. I know I know...
It was just mainly I would have one when I would drink.. then it was just when I was stressed..
and well now.. Im a smoker again..
however.. I dont smoke at home.. so the kids & family dont know I started again.. duh.. do I really think they cant smell it on me???!!!!
Another point of anger you think?

Ok.... I guess Im done for now..

Have a great weekend..
Peace (Im trying to find some)

Tag.. Im it!!!

1. What is your current age – 34

2. When is your birthday – October

3. Nationality – American

4. Do you have any pets – yep.. 6 dogs, 1 cat & a ferrett

5. Sexuality – yeah.. I have some!!!

6. What colour is your hair- naturally? blonde w/auburn highlights

7. What colour are your eyes- blue

8. What ethnicity are you - Swedish & English

9. Favourite music - I like it all..Im a mood person..depends on my mood ...

10. Favourite films – no particular favorites.. Old School like Breadfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Grease.. stupid films like that.. bring back teen memories..

11. Dating Status – Dating... Im open.. single.. and looking.. sort of..

12. Favourite book – I love to read.. anything..just put it in my hands..

13. Favourite tv show – Greys Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, CSI, Las Vegas, Two & half men, How I met your mother.. I dont know.. other stuff too...

14. Dream man – someone who fits me...

15. Dream woman – someone who fits me..

16. Can you speak any other languages – my own language is challenging enough.. thanks

Rainy Weather

The Great Northwest gets it's share of rainy weather.. Im ok w/that.. Im actually one of those weird people who enjoy the rain. Rain cleans the soul, the earth, waters all the dead brown grass. Keeps our trees, shrub and plant alive.
Washes away all the dirt on the road. And I love the smell.. I cant explain it, but to me.. it's a smell of cleanlyness.

I love a good storm. Thunder & lightening.. the sounds that come and watching the sky light up.
The Pacific Northwest doenst tend to get alot of these types of storms, however when we do recieve natures rath.. she lets us have it! Over the weekend we had some thunder that sounded as if someone was standing outside my bedroom smackin a huge piece of metal w/a hammer. I have never heard thunder quit like this. The sound just vibrated thru me and then I watched the sky light up! Awesome.. I dont know how else to explain it.

Last night.. No lightening.. not in my area.. and the thunder was very minimul. However there were other elements that were just as powerful. The wind & rain were whipping about.... I could hear things crashing to the ground, I heard a tree limb fall and hit the fence. The dogs were howling, not only mine in the house barking, but I could here the coyotes outside. Or maybe it was just the wind that I heard.

Mother nature is so powerful. A force to be reckoned with in itself. She knocked our power out. Toppled a few tree's, caused a mud slide, flooding in multiple area's. And yet... she can be so beautiful too.

Yes.. Im weird. I love the rain.. I love the thunder the lightening...
It holds such Power!!!!

Peace..
Happy Monday to all!!!!

Reno ~ BUSTED!!!!

I took a mini vacation.. paid for by my father.
Which.. in itself, is a miracle.. as daddy is a bit of a tight wad!!!
All parties involved.. my brother M his wife J
My brother B and his wife J.. (so she will be known from here on as WJ)
and my Daddy and steppen Mommy

So here is a quick run-down...

~ Friday ~

Arrieved at the Hotel around 4ish..
got in my room.. freshened up..headed on out
so I hit the Casino by 5:30...
and by 7... I was down $150..
so I decided Im just gonna drink..
and I did.. drink..
then we walked..
Thru the Elderado into the Silver Legacy
into Circus Circus.. where we all proceeded to act
like small children who were never allowed to play...
we pretty much hung out at Circus Circus for 3 hrs, playing the games
winning toys and just having an over all great time..
Headed back towards our hotel.. (Harrahs)
Bed.. by 11.. I was soooo tired!!!

~ Saturday ~
My day to sleep in...awww yeah.... and wouldnt u know it.. my beautiful blue eyes popped open at 6:30 am... lovely.. so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep... 7:05 I was awake again... lovely..
I watched TV.. I relaxed, and finally woke my s-n-l (sis n law) J up at 9 and we headed to breakfast w/my steppen mommy....
then off for some shopping, souvenires for everyone..
ordered my first drink at 11:55, baileys & coffee.. and it was all down hill from there!!! :)
I proceeded to get fucked up (hey..I was on vacation and not driving.. ) I did however somewhere in the evening become the "Designated Walker"
I head back to Harrahs to go to my room for something.. and ran into my Daddy and bro M
we all decide.. ready for this.. yep yep yep.. lets go to the Tittie bar.. (my first experience mind you)
we head over to the Mens Club.. very tasteful if I may add, nice plush leather seats, waitress's that were dressed a little more than the cocktail girls at the casino! dim lighting, good music, the bouncers all wore dress slacks/white shirts and ties..
and the drinks were outreagesouly priced!!! until happy hour!! and Daddy, M and I proceeded to drink, and watch and talk.. and get fuuuuucked up!!!!
Daddy got a lap dance... damn that was funny shit..
and M.. well.. Im not really allowed to talk about it.. but.. lets say.. he had a great time..
somewhere w/in that time frame another male guest came over and asked me if I would tip the dancers for him, as he found it more exciting to watch other women tip then for him to do it.
Sure..what the hell.. Im game..
I took his money and tipped the dancers..
then tipped them some more..
all afternoon.. he kept giving me money to tip the dancers, then he latched himself onto me and I honestly believe he thought he was gonna get lucky w/me.. not a snowball's chance in hell!!!!
He kept asking Daddy & M if it was ok to talk to me.. as he didnt want to offend either of them..he was such a dork.. and lonely.. you could tell, such a lost look in his eyes.. poor lost little dork boy!
the little stripper girl came over.. and her and I started talking.. very nice young lady (as I found out.. damn Im old!!!) 22, graduates from college in May w/a Bachelors in Sociology...
she was paying her way thru school by stripping.. good for her.. very cute blonde.. damn she was tall.. (loved their shoes tho!!!!)
then another little "dancer" came over, and she was a nipple pincher.. she tried to pinch my nipples (as M told her I liked it... did I mentioin we were fuuuuucked up?)
nipple pincher complained my boobs were confined so she decided to put her hand down my shirt and grab my entire breast.. and pinch my nipple....
hmmm... damn her hands were cold!!!!!
the afternoon progressed...
and got more and more entertaining..
I get felt up by women I didnt know..
my face got smashed between a lovely pair of breast's.. and I didnt even get her name!!!
then she complained because my boobs were real and she had to pay for hers..
this was while she flopped my boobs outta my shirt and proceeded to feel me up..
in front of my dad & brother.. LOL... funny shit!!!
then she licked my neck and my ear.. hmmm...
time to go people..
we left the stip club about 5:30
headed back to the casino to meet up w/the rest of the fam-damnily..
and drink some more.... dinner time.. headed to a fab Japenese resteraunt where they cook the meal in front of you.. M had to be put to bed at 6:15.. trashed.. gone.. buh bye!!!
so Daddy, Steppen Mommy, B and myself go to dinner.. WJ (why the W? gotta tell them apart somehow) was back in her hotel room w/upset tummy issues.. and J.. she's a gambler.. that's all she wanted to do.. so we went to dinner.. and proceeded to drink Saki.. WOW... interesting drink.. Saki is..
a young dumb couple sat next to me.. their first date.. he and I start talking.. then the rest of the night.. he wont stop talking to me.. my bro B and Dad are like.. hey V.. he's picking up on ya..
lovely.. poor girlfriend.... so I go into bitch mode and shoot him down..
B, steppen Mommy.. and I.. are doing Saki shots.. Bonzai!!!! every shot..
uuughhh... $300 tab later.. good dinner.. from what I remember..
Daddy goes to bed.. B & Steppen Mommy and I.. head to the craps table..
I make friends w/everyone..Im such a happy drunk..
the pit Boss.. the workers.. whatever.. I proceed to yell at a group of guys who are cussing and yelling standing behind me.. "Excuse me gentlemen.. the pit boss dont like your cussing.. please leave the casino" they look at me.. I look at them.. he goes to say something to me.. I think I shook my head no at him.. and they left.. just like that.. just walked away.. Im such a happy drunk..
We go to the bar.. and drink some more.. and some more.. and talk.. and laugh.. J joins us.. we drink some more.. WJ show's up.. crying.. and upset cuz she dont feel good.. poor girl.. didnt realize she could order room service in the middle of the night to get something to settle her tummy ( I think she has ulcers.. needs to go to the Dr)
Im not positive what time we headed out.. but it was late.. and we was drunken fools.. but you know what.. what a blast we had!!!

~ Sunday ~
Holy Shit.. I was hungover!!!!
breakfast didnt taste good..
lunch was better.. went to the Peppermill.. lost my ass..
by Sunday afternoon.. my $$$ was all gone!!!! buy bye...
had a few drinks around 2... made my tummy feel better.. hair of the dog..
Chocolate Martini.. YUCK!!! was not impressed.. malibu & pineapple juice.. yummy...
dinner... nice Italian resteraunt... damn good prime rib..
bed by 9.. sad huh??? screaming kids in the room next to me.. called the front desk aroun 11.. shut those little screamers up please.. .
alls quiet by 11:30.. nighty night!!!!

~ Monday ~
up at 6..
to the airport.. 2 hr delay into Seattle.. why???? well rain of course.. cuz that's what it does here.. it rains.. high winds.. flooding.. typical.. whatever..
finally got home by 5:30.. just in time for kick off..
oh.. yeah.. Seahawks kicked Raiders ASS!!!! thank you.. GO HAWKS!!!!!
love our team from time to time..
bed time... nighty night..

A fun time was had by all.. that was the first vacation that Dad, M & B & I had taken in 26 yrs...
good time.. great memories..
but I still lost my ass!!!!

Peace

Spooks/Ghouls & night creatures

Ah.. Halloween.. Im not a huge fan...
Last night my daughter reminds me as we are leaving the gym that I havnt gotten her a Halloween costume yet... (bad bad bad Mommy)

So we rush over to Party City... and rush into a hord of people who are all just like me and waiting til the last minute to accomplish what needs to be done for their little demons.......
Of course.. we got slim pickin's...
Tinkerbelle???? doesnt fit...
A devil.... no.. to cold
An ange... so not her
A Baby... to normal
so forth and so on.. she pulled out costumes.. she tried them on.. she carried things around.. she would put them back..
After an Hr... I say..
Forget it.. you can go as yourself.. lets get out of here!!!!

Mind you.. I have my costume.. a pink fuzzy hat, beads, and Margarita sunglasses.. Im Mardi Gras baby!!!

My daughter decides....................... Clown
thats it.. a clown..
hair, socks, makeup, tie, shoe covers, suspenders... and gawd only know's what else cuz I dont remember...
We finally get out of there...
and only spent $80!!!! on what?????

so.. a little scary story to share:

4 yrs ago... I awoke to a noise in the apartment... a deep male voice saying
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
now.. hmm.... since it was just me and my kids.. and no grown men.. yeah.. got a little freaked..
and I hear again... " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
I sit up in bed, and think to myself.. where are the kids.. my daughter was in bed w/me, as she had crawled in w/me.. and my son was in his room.. or was he???
I get up quietly.. I grab my bat and head into the hall way..
There is my son... standing in his bedroom door.. looking down the hall way and says to me
"There is a man in the front room Mom, go back to bed, I have it under control!"
Excuse me...???? Go back to bed??? You have it under control???? Mind you, my wee little boy is normally afraid of his shadow...and he was only like 10 at the time..
and I hear again...
"I SAID, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! NOW!!!!"
I flip on the hall light..
and there is NOONE there.. I checked the whole house..
noone.. anywhere.. doors locked.. all windows locked.. empty.. beside me & the kids..
I go back to my son.. and he's curled up on the floor in my room next to my bed..
I wake him up..
he looks at me and says..
"Mom.. there was a man floating in the hall way.. did you make him leave????"
"yeah baby... he's gone.. get in bed"

The next morning.. he remembers nothing...
He doesnt remember the voice... he doesnt remember curling up on the floor..
all he remembers is that his room got really cold.. and he couldnt get warm...

Where did the voice come from?????

Happy Tricking!!!!
Hope everyone gets a treat!!!

Peace

TGIM!!!

Yep.. Thank Gawd it's Monday.. and my weekend is over!

Saturday evening... Halloween party was actually fun. Good Times were had by all.. little drama.. but not much.. well except for S is no longer talking to me. Cuz I had enough and called her on her shit, in front of J.. and other friends.

Yep..Im the bitch..
Yep... I put a stop to everything
Yep.. Im ok with it.

Did I do the right thing? Probably not.. but.. grow up.. be mature.. be a fucking ADULT!!!
it's ok to look and to admire..
it is not ok to touch.. that is going over the limits..
she touched..
I said something..

J.. well... he and I talked exstensively on Sunday.. and he just wants to make sure that I believe and trust him. He said that he really wants me to believe and trust him, it's important to him, I dont understand why.. but.. I do.. because as of yet, he has done nothing to where that would be null and void.
I informed him.. he looses my trust, then there is no friendship! He will cease to exist to me.

I dont know what to beleive..
what I hate to admit.. is that... he's a good guy.. decent..fun to hang with and I enjoy his company.
Since another gentlemen that I would really like to enjoy has disappeared yet again in my life. I could easily pass the time w/J...that scares me.....

Anyhow..
S blamed the whole thing on me.. of course she did.. that's fine.. I told her Im done.. I cant continue on this fucked up path that seems to be the road her and I contineousely walk down together. I refuse to accept the blame.. she is an adult, and can make her own choices/decisions. Nice thing about taking responsibility for your actions.. you have a choice.. and she choose what she did..

Im saddened at the turn of events tho. Because it put her in a totally different light than what Ive always known her to be.
I dont know how to deal with that.
The fact that I told her I liked J...(so that she would think twice b4 reacting the way she did) and to know that she would hit on him anyway..
1) while she's married
2) when there are others around
3) knowing that me, her BF, is in "like" w/him.. and she did it anyway...

I need new friends I think!

Devils Advocate!!

Yep..thats me, Devils Advocate.. or.. am I just adding fuel to the fire?
Or both???

So, last night S & I are sittin' around, having a few drinks talking. She's telling me about her messed up life.. so forth and so on... and me in my brilliant wisdom..
lets txt J..
dumb dumb dumb..

long story short.. tomorrow night J & I and some other friends were going to go to a Halloween party.. my friend got sick.. so she has cancelled, I informed J to come up w/plan B.. and he asked if I had.. and I had.. and me in my stupid buzzed state invited him along.
Now.. you would think.. whats the big????

Well S & her husband will be there!!! dumb dumb dumb duuuuumb!!!!
he say's its no big deal, he wont hit on her, he says he's past it..
she is overly excited cuz she gets to see him.
and Im right dab stuck in the fucking middle of it.. why?
well duh..I put myself there...why???
Two reasons... one.. they need to get the fuck past it..
two..she asked for it.. I just figured it will be better w/her husband there..
right?
wrong?

Well? dont hold back.. tell me your thoughts..
wait..am I in high school again????

I got Tagged...

Tagged

I got Tagged!!!! This one was from ~D~...
My first Tag... sweet!!!! here we go.. hold on for the ride

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Where to start.. um.. he didnt realize that having another baby while w/me was a no no.. he didnt realize that stealing all the money from my purse and wiping out my checking account and totalling my car was a no-no.. I guess he just didnt realize that he should stop breathing and leave this earth... go away and never return again.. then again.. I realized to late what a dumb ass he is!!

2. When was the last time you shaved? Every morning in the shower.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? just gettin to work, gettin my breakfast, coffee, and opening everything up.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading ~D~'s blog, checking email

5. Are you any good at math? hm...lets think about this.. NO!!!!

6. Your prom night? Was not attended by me... I was probably sitting in some back alley, smoking a bowl or doing a line.. (see previous posts)

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Rumor has it, that I may be related to Rober The Bruce (King of Scotland) havnt been able to confirm that.. but.. who knows

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Yep..and took me FOREVER to pay off!!!

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Yep...

10. Last thing received in the mail? a dentist bill... lovely...

11. How many different beverages have you had today? coffee.. just IV drip the coffee into my veins.. that will do pig..that will do!!

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? depends on who Im calling

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? hmmm... that was a long ass time ago.. I believe it was Areosmith... from what I remember it was a good concert!!

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? no.. but I draw weird little designs

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? getting my braces tightened my freshmen yr of high school.. that fucking dentist wrenched so hard on my teeth that I ended up hitting him. Needless to say, he told my mother to find a new orthodontist :)

16. What is out your back door? the yard.. fenced in, with to many freakin dogs running around...

17. Any plans for Friday night? taking my daughter to her first concert. She loves country music, so Im taking her to see Jodee Messina...

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? yep.. to much popcorn..but yummy

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? um.. dont think so

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? yeah.. I can get 2 showers outta one towel

22. Some things you are excited about? excited about? Im going to Reno next weekend.. Im excited about that.. other than that.. not much..I lead a boring life!!!

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Im gonna use the same answer here from ~D~.. I don’t eat jello anymore. I got grossed out when I found out what jello is. however.. jello is ok when there are shots involved!! JELLO SHOTS BABY!!!!

24. Describe your keychain(s)? it's just keys.. well until a few days ago.. my daughter put a Washington DC key ring on it that she found when cleaning her room.

25. Where do you keep your change? In the bottom of my purse.. I clean it out once a month and put it all in a large jar.. when the jar get's full the kids and I take it to one of those coin counters in the grocery store, and depending on how much is there we use it to treat ourselves to whatever. Movies, ice cream, skating.. its our fun :)

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? every Friday at our staff meeting, there are 32 in our group.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own? I have a black leather jacket, and a down green jacket.. I need a new one tho.. but.. I hate shopping

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? sunny I think.. I dont remember..that was um.. over 15 yrs ago.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? yes... I cant stand being closed in!!!


This was fun.. thanks ~D~

Drama cooled off.. and now.. he wont leave me be!!

So the drama finally cooled down..
not after my friend S's friend M called me and wanted me to give her his #
and I got all sorts of pissy again...
standing in my kitchen, and started yelling.. then I took it outside, and was still yelling
and needless to say..we have all come to an understanding..
he and I are still associating w/each other.. it has no reflection on me what he does and whom he does it with, as long as he leaves me and my friends out of it.
S & I decided that we would not discuss him anymore... and that it was a closed issue and she and I are good to go.
J keeps txtng me.... saw him last Saturday and he got pissy that I was ignoring him and not talking to him so he left early. Wanted to know what my problem was and why was I being so grouchy. I wasnt.. Im just disappointed in him, and well, he's not worth my time. I dont get it..
any ideas?


On to other notes.. I have no life!!!
oh.. wait.. hear me out before you judge..
I once befriended a girl at work...she met a guy.. they got together.. I went with her to his house once, his cousin was there.. we all started playing a board game, nothing happened, we all got a little tipsy, she decided to go to bed, the cousin went to bed too that left the BF and I sitting at the table.
I stood up, was standing in the kitchen door way, we were talking. He got up, came towards me, and put his arms around my waist and pulled me towards him and tried to kiss me. I stopped him (never mind that he is extremely attractive and I liked him)
I decided it was time to go home.
the next day I fought w/myself to determine if I should tell my friend or not.. I decided I should..and he of course denied it. So be it.
They were together off and on for a few yrs. Her friendship and mine took it's toll as she was emotionally unstable, I couldnt handle it any longer so I ended the friendship.
He and I stayed in contact, via email and phone.
Then.. one night, he and I got together, and I experienced some mind blowing sex. OMG!!
At the time, she was still my co-worker and had NO clue what was going on between he and I. They were no longer together, however she contineously was contacting him and beggin him for a 2nd chance.
Do you know how hard that is to be laying in bed w/him and listening to him talk to her. Listing to her cry and plead to give her a 2nd chance?
Then to have to face her the next day at work?

Anyhow.... he moved away for some time, to get himself in order and now, he's back.
We have seen each other since he's been back. But we have not been together since he's been back, he told me at one point that he wanted to prove to me that he was not the person he once was. That he's someone else.

I want him. I need to be with him. I could find myself totally falling for him. And that scares the hell out of me. I dont want to fall for him, because he will more than likely hurt me. Why do I think that? Because I sabatoge all my relationships. Waiting for the ineviteble to happen.
But I could find myself loving him.
And that would freak my family out. Why? Because, he's African-American! Not so much my family. But one brother and my father. They would tweak! not that they are prejudice. Just, well, stand-offish..
I have told him that I care. I dont think he believes me, because of the hard-ass core that I portray myself to be.

It scares the hell out of me.
but I would love to be in his arms right now.

Peace

Drama belongs in High School

Drama makes the world go round..

Round 2!!!
Continued..
Text messaging war!!!

me: Steppin out on your spouse/significant other is a form of cheating.. and your ok w/that?
J: How do you know she is happy? You could be obstructing her happiness!
me: What did she say to you that made you think she wasnt?
me: Ive known here for 20+ yrs... she happy... bark up another tree!!!!
J: then why does she want to see me?
me: she was flattered someone besides her hubby was paying attention to her
J: Im not buying that!
me: it wasnt for sale!

At this point, I got pissed, and I was driving ( it's really fucking hard to drive and txt message) so I called him...
Me: Hi.. look.. you dont have an effing clue what is going on w/her and her husband.. she is happy.. she get's tipsy.. she hit's on guys.. but it goes NO where from there.. deal with it.. and dont even think about it. I didnt realize you were that kind of guy..
are you really that type of guy?
J: wouldnt be the first.. or the last, what business is it of yours what she does.. or who she does it with.
me: your right.. it's none of my business.. normally.. but this is my business.. I love her hubby like a brother.. and Im a surrogate Aunt to her chilren!!!
Wow.. that's all I gotta say..Wow..
J: what are you wow'in me for
me: my opinion of you just rolled to the bottom of my shoes..you are now lower than the scum that is on the bottom of my shoe. You want to mess w/married women..be my guest, but you leave my friends out of it. Have a good evening and good bye

And I hung up!

he txt me back
J: are you going to talk to me anymore, or am I automattically a dick
me: your a dick.. and Im extremely disappointed!
J: Well Im not married so dont be mad
me: but she is!
J: True... but dont be hatin
me: Im not hatin... it takes emotions & feelings to hate another.. I feel nothing for you.. your nothing!
J: are we still on for the Halloween part?
(mutual plans were made prior to all this for me to attend a Halloween party w/a friend of mine which is where I met him)
me: Im still going
J: you dressing up?
me: nope.. so your still going?
J: yea...aint txt messaging fun?
me: it's a way to communicate
J: and it's fun too... so there!!!!

ok.. can I ask a question here now? WTF?
and yes.. I txt him back..Im so OCD (opsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to messaging..I have to answer.. I have to have the last word!!!

me: dressing up for Halloween means you can be someone your not
J: what are you trying to say?
me: look in a mirror.. be someone else!
J: it will be fun, Im looking forward to it
me: it's fun to get out of the house
J: hell yeah it is
me: yep yep

I win... !!!! I had the last word.. aww yea!!!

I called S... and told her that he wanted her #.. but I refused to play a part in it, and I told him no..she said...... are you ready.... "dont you think that is my decision to make?"
my reply..was.. yep..it's your decision.. but Im gonna play devils advocate here, and tell you.. his # is on my cell.. you want it.. fine.. dont let me find out that your seeing him, and steppin out on your hubby.. cuz if I do.. I will tell.. because I will NOT play a part in this.. and if he's willing to allow you to cheat on your hubby..what does that tell you about his character..
to which she replied.. what does that say about my character if I want to step out on my husband.. I love my husband.. I only wanted to see him again because I was drunk.. and because it's nice to feel attractive, and wanted.. from someone else beside your husband.. I dont WANT him..
And now.. she really doesnt want to see him.. (so she says)

whatever...
Im still upset.. why?
who knows..

Im still infatuated.. hopefully I will see Mr.Ib (infatuation boy)
soon.. cuz I need to feel validated.. :)

Peace!!!!

I dont get people

So.. continued on from my birthday evening...

J (the guy my friend S threw herself at)
just called..
he wants her #... he wants to see her
SHE'S FUCKING MARRIED!!!!
he didnt call me.. he called another friend of mine..
so.. I sent him a txt msg.. and told him that I would not provide him her #
because I would not play a part in breakin up her marriage, she was drunk..
and there are small children at home.. and who the hell does he think he is to want that?

Yeah..Im pissed.. then again.. to be honest w/myself.. I know why Im pissed.. we all went out last weekend.. w/out my friend S.. and I thought he and I hit it off.. stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!
I should of known.. NOONE ever goes for me..

but still.. she's married.. OMG!!!!
you cant be serious.. yeah..Im pissed.. really really pissed
and so I txt him.. and he see's nothing wrong w/it..
WTF?

OH.. Im mad at that!!!!

My Birthday evening

My day of birth.. came and went.. good day.. here's a quick run down...

Woke up early.. (why do I always wake up early on the weekends? Yet, cant get my ass outta bed in the mornings for work?)
Got my wee man to his baseball game, and we lost.. damn it!!! But, it was a good game.
Headed home, my brother was there and he made me a big birthday lunch.. B-B-Que chicken, corn on the cob, potato salad.. yummy yummy yummy...
Hung w/him for awhile.. and then went to meet my friend S for a few drinks when she got of work.. we talked, we drank and good times...
Around 6:30... time for me to get home get fancied up head to T-Town to meet some other friends.. only.. S.. doesnt want to go home, so she get's permission from her hubby to go w/me..
and the fun begins!!!!

Lord almighty did she get wasted.. and proceed to hit on every man in the bar.. especially my friend T's ex-brother in law.. which by the way, doesnt know she's married..
one thing leads to another.. and I finally have to let him know.. um.. hey.. she's married...

No..they didnt make out, they didnt sleep together.. but, hands were roaming.. and looks/winks/words were exchanged..

It's been a few weeks since that night.... and she is still talking about him.. and how she has to see him and wants me to set it up, and Im mad at that!
She's fucking married.. she said her I do.. she has a man..
leave the single ones to those that are single.. damn it!!!
Yes Ive talked to her, but she says I dont understand. Ok..what dont I understand????
Oh..that YOUR MARRIED!!!!!?????????????????

Anyhow..
Im infatuated w/someone... and I cant get him outta my mind.. and it's been along time since Ive felt this way about someone.. and Im freaked out, cuz he's beautiful.. good looking.. and hot.. and well.. Im so NOT his type.. so help me snap the fuck outta this ok?!

yeah.. work. gotta work..
peace

Happy Birthday!!! To.......

It's my birthday tomorrow..
It's my birthday tomorrow..
another year older.. but am I any wiser?
Sure I am.. hey... it's my birthday.. and if I wanna be wiser
then so be it!!!

I got into work.. and my cube is all decorated..
confetti, streamer, birthday signs...
the one that cracks me up..

Life is not passing you by.. it's trying to run you over!
LOL.. love it..

I have to vases' of roses... I love roses's.. and I never get rose's..
I got Pot o Gold chocolates..
Homemade Blackberry wine..
and...the whole dept made a huge breakfast spread..
French toast, sausage, eggs, fruit, bacon, potatoes
makin's for breakfast burritos
chocolate milk, oj, apple juice

They like me..
they really like me!!!!

Sometimes you wonder..
if your liked..
I think I am..

Peace

Everafter

I attended a funeral yesterday, and I started thinking about death ever after (or is that marriage.. diff post)

As I sat there listening to all the things that were accomplished for her 70+ years on this earth, I started to think.. what have I accomplished???? What will be remembered for my time on this earth? Will I be remembered? Im sure I will be..
But.. what do I want my memorial to be like?
I want a party!!!
Prop my dead ass up in the corner recliner, wearin' jeans/t-shirt.. throw on some sunglasses, and put a nice cold drink in my cold stiff hand... pull the keg outta the closet.. and put on some loud tunes.. I want everyone to rejoice.. that I came, I lived, I loved, and moved on..

But what am I moving on to? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?
Neither.. as Im not a believer.. once ya die.. you die.. and that's that..
my SNL (sis n law) is a believer..
She says I will go to Heaven.. but will I?
so.. here's what I came up with.. there has to be different stages to Heaven.
Because.. what about those of us.. who care, just not that much.. we kind to animals and the elderly. We dont steal, we dont kill, but yet we cuss, and have sex w/out marriage.
Well... we will get to heaven..
but instead of Heaven w/wings and halos'..
it's the servents entrance... but hey.. it's still heaven.. so all's well.

So.. when I die, I will be pulled from my death bed by a messenger of the higher power that is, given a number,and over the loud speaker.. we will hear
" Welecome to the last ride of your life... heading to your after-life, if your paper has a 1, please get off the elevator on Floor 1, servents entrance.. as you were semi good during your human existance.. you will now need to perform a number of tasks to be granted your wing's & halo's.. please step outta the elevator, and stand outside the puter gates... those with a 2.. .welecome to Heaven.. the pearly gates will be directly in front of you once the elevator doors open. Wings & halos are to the left. Thank you for riding the Everafter Express"

Im ok w/the servents quarter.. I mean hell doesnt sound like such a hot place after all.. get it.. HOT.. LOL.. I crack my ass up!!!
but hey... I look at it this way.. At least I get to taste the Philly Cream Cheese before I have to deliver it.. LMAO!!!!

Peace!!!!

5 yrs later - one day short

Im not a polital person. I have personal things in my life that keep me very busy and focused on. However, yesterday was a very sad day for our Nation. 9/11..... 5 years later
where was I?
Just rolling out of bed.. alarm clock goes off, and I hear... a 2nd plane has hit Tower 2...
moments after the first Plane hit Tower 1...
I race out of bed, and head to the TV to turn on the news.. and I sit and watch horrified at what is happening.
It takes me twice as long to get ready for work, and get the kids off to school as we are all mortified at what is happening to our Nation. Our country is under attack.

Work was null and void.. 400+ employees' sat mesmeriezed in the lunch room watching on television at the horror that was taking place...
Our President, our Leader.. was forced to leave where he was to take flight in Air Force One..
but the communication systems were down... not working appropriately.. do you think he felt helpless? I believe he did..
Cheney ok'd for any commercial flight to be shot out of the sky.. thank God that command did NOT float down to the fighter pilots in the air...

Millions of people were affected by that day 5 years ago.. Thousands of people lost their lives. I was affected. My children were affected. They were so young, they did not understand the why.. or who... I didnt understand the why or who.. but what I do understand is we couldnt just sit still and not do anything. To sit back and portray the message that we would allow for terrorist's to come into our Country and allow it to be blow apart, lives taken...Children lost their Mothers & Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Brothers, Sisters... We lost family memebers... We lost a piece of us...

I remember... and I bow my head, every night and I pray for those that have lost.. not only on 9/11 but for those that are out there fighting the fight to keep us safe.. War sometimes is the only answer.... and I will defend that until my last breath...
God Bless all our hero's... Our Nations Men & Women who put their lives on the line everyday to protect our land for our children, and our childrens children.

Amen

Who?

Who am I, you ask?
Day to day I still try to figure that out
I guard myself,
closer and closer every day
I do not trust well
Once I give myself
I give whole heart, mind, body & soul
hurt has been deliverd time and time again
and now there is a wall... bigger & stronger than any
ever built
very few have gotten thru..
those that have, are always cherished
and loved
I hide behind a wall of sarcasm & indifference..
but am I worth getting past?
I like to think so.. but, that will be up to you...
The bullshit needs to end..

Friendship's... counted on one hand

My father always used to tell me
" You can count the number of true friends you have, on one hand"
During my teen years, I always thought what did he know? He's just my dad... and knew NOTHING about being a teenager and growing up.

Then all the sudden, in my 20's I realized how intelligent my father really was.
Your true friends are the ones that you can count on for everything in life. Tho ones that will never judge you, never test you, always hold your hand (or your hair while your ill) will confide in you, and to whom you can confide in. The ones who have always been there, in good days and during dark clouds. Will love you, respect you, cherish you and support you.

But it was recently, that I truly found out who my real friends are. The ones that truly love, care, accept, respect... the ones that dont question my remarks, dont question my ideas, my thoughts, my attitude. They know why I am the way I am, they know WHO I am. I dont have to defend myself to them. They ACCEPT me.. for me!

The last few months, my eyes have been opened to those that I thought were friends. But come to find out, when I tried to share my feelings w/a few individuals that I felt our "friendship" was strained. I was informed... I was causing needless drama. WoW! Needless drama when Im trying to tell you, that I was hurt & concerned at the road our friendship was going down... ok... I have just a few words for you.
Take care, Good luck, and best of luck in all endeavors that you set out to achieve.
oh.. and one last thing.. Screw you! I will never again, bother you with my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Glad your there for everyone else.. and I apologize for ever wanting to be there for you. Guess we never had what I thought was a friendship. Your loss... not really mine. But thanks for stabbing me none-the-less....oh wait.. Needless drama.. My Bad!!!

To those that I count as my friends.. to those that KNOW me, inside and out.. to those that dont ever question who I am, or why I say some things.. thank you.. I love you.. and I appreciate you.
You are on one hand. And, No.. it's not just my middle finger... ;)

Peace

Oh..the swirling smoke haze!!!

Day 23......

and still no smoking.. although I did lapse twice.. and that's because I had a drink or two..
and well..they kind of go hand in hand.. and all my friends smoke.. so it does make it a sticky situation..
however.. it killed my throat.. and I woke up the following morning w/one hell of a smoke hangover.. I felt like there was this HUGE smoke ball on my chest.

I am done smoking.. all in all, it has been pretty easy.. I still get the urge from time to time, but if I really think about it, my chest starts to feel heavy and I have trouble breathing.
I can almost walk up 3 flights of stairs w/out getting completely winded.

It's amazing... really really amazing... food actually tastes' different.. I never realized how salty some lunch meats and cheese's are.. and I cant get enough water.

Im not as bitchy... one friend told me that I am actually nicer now.. (WTF?) reason being, is because when I smoked, I didnt care what I said, how I said it, or who I ticked off... but since quitting smoking.. I am more careful now, because I can feel the little red demon floating around inside me waiting to be released.. and I wont allow the monster out!!! LMAO..

Thanks for the support everyone.. and yes..Im still employed.. amazingly enough, even after ripping my co-workers and my boss new asses!!! Cigarettes..nasty little drugs.. it was easier to kick my drug habits in high school!!! LOL..

TTFN!!!
Peace
Me

quitting smoking

What in the hell was I thinking?
Quitting smoking is one of the harder things I think I have ever done.. ok.. well no..
there are some things in my life that have been harder..

Day 1
holy shit.. I thought I was gonna fuckin passout at my boss's fee... by 11am, I was dizzy/sweating/nervous/headache
my vision was blurred, my heart was pounding..all because I was "detoxing" my body of nicotine
what a nasty little drug... my hands were shaking.. I couldnt concentrate, all I could do was sit and think about how bad I wanted that cigarrette, that cool smoke sliding down my throat (as I smoked menthols)
I survived day 1...

Day 2
Stay the fuck out of my way!!!!
Im not in the mood for ANYONE's shit today
Im fuckin moody!!! and Fuck is my word...
I bit the heads off a number of co-workers today.. thankfully they all understand what I am doing and why I am acting this way.. they are being extremelly tollerant of my juvenile behaviour and the fact that Im slamming things around and saying Fuck it alot..
but FUCK!!!! Im full of nerves and energy and gawd who knows what the fuck else..
I just wanna pick a fight..
Luckily one of my co-workers made me take a long walk this afternoon with him.. so I could release some of my pent up frustrations.. that helped..

Day 3
It's the morning of day 3
Im feeling better..
What Im finding weird tho, is that Im having a hard time breathing.. why?
I cant catch my breath.. is it a panik attack?
is it the fact that my lungs are purging them selves from the tar pits that they currently are?
what? Anxiety attack? who knows..
The edginess is still there.. I can feel it just on the surface.. the little claws of evilness are slowly making their way around the edge and will shortly grasp it's pray and kill it.
Today hopefully will be a better day, but... luckily my co-workers and my family understand what Im going thru, this is not pretty..
Im going thru this w/a ton of gum.. and lots of coffee.. I will survive this.. it's time.. must quit.. for me.. for my kids.. for me.. for my kids..for me..for my kids

what the fuck ever.. I WILL DO IT!!!!