1. Have you ever used foods in your sexual activities (ie; whipped cream, syrup, popsicles) and how did you use them?
Yes.. whip cream is always fun.. however there is something about ice.. I love it when he has an ice cube in his mouth and then goes down on me.. OMG..!!!! his hot mouth w/that combination of coldness up against me...turns me on!!!
2. If your SO asked you to get them off using only your toes - would you do it and how?
Im sorry WHAT?
3. Would you ever participate in an orgy? Have you?
would I??? Depends on how much tequila I have drank.. Ive had three-somes.. me 2 guys.. and me a girl and a guy.. those were um.. hmm.. interesting to say the least.. but honestly.. an all out orgy.. I think that would just kind of gag me.. to many noises, however.. I could do the whole voyeur thing.. can I just watch???
4. What can a lover do to turn you on instantly?
kiss my neck.. I dont know what it is, but come up behind me, slowly run your hands across my lower back and start nuzzeling my neck.. and Im yours...
5. Describe your favorite piece of lingerie or undergarments on yourself or your mate. (PICS PLEASE!!!) yeah..no pics.. however..
I have a black long nighty, that's lace across the bust w/tiny thin straps.. slit up both sides, low dip in the back.. I want to feel his hands running across the satin...
Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best orgasm you've ever had. ;)
oh lord... the one I remember the fondest.. was years ago.. he was away on military leave.. had been gone for 3 weeks.. came home for a weekend.. we didnt even make it to the bedroom.. we attacked each other, in the front room as he was backing me towards the bedroom, we landed on the floor in the door way of the hall way and bedroom.. OMG... that orgasm was the longest Ive ever had.. and I had some nasty ass carpet burn on my lower back..
I miss that.. I want another like it :(
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
TMI Tuesday....
Here we go....
1) What sight, sound, smell, object or whatever most remind you of a special someone?
hmm.... Im not sure if any of these really remind me of him.. I think it's just memories that remind me of him.. or certain times of the day that will bring on a memory of some sort..
2. Favourite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
Im a hands gal.. I love men's hands.. I think it's because the bigger their hands, the more skin they can touch on my body. Plus I have big hands.. not fat.. just big.. and I want my man to have hands that are bigger than mine.
Same sex.. Im a boobs gal.. I dont care how big.. or how small.. but either way they have to be real.. I dont wanna be touch silicone.. no offense to anyone.. It's just me...
3. Do you prefer to give or receive? Im a giver.. I love to please him.. I want to hear him moan/groan and say things... It makes me feel good to know that I can please him, I think that's a turn on in itself... however.. he sure as hell better be giving it to me in the end!!! LOL
4. One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?
Sadly..Ive had my few one-nighters.. my protocol.. get the hell outta there.. wham bam... thank you.. now buh bye!!! There's a reason it's called a one-nighter.. you dont wanna mess up the good karma by all the messy talking in the morning!!!
5. What is the strangest place you've had sex?
Strangest place.. a bathroom in the downtown area after the 4th of July firework display.. little did we know that there was a line outside the door waiting for us to get done. Everyone started clapping cuz we carried on so loudly..
Bonus (as in optional): How old were you when you lost your virginity? Im gonna sound like such a slut here..but whatever.. I was almost 13..
Who was it to? his name was Sean
Describe the event:
describe the event.. oh wow.. it all started out as a huge joke.. my friend at the time wanted his friend at the time.. but.. his friend wouldnt date my friend, unless I dated his friend.. did that make any sense???? So.. I started to date Sean.. my friend Suz started dating his friend Cody.. and one thing led to another and Sean and I ended up in his room at his house on his bed.. and my clothes ended up on the floor.. I woke up the next morning to his Mother standing at the end of the bed, telling us to get up.. our breakfast was on the table.. that's right..
His Mother caught us.. however.. she said not a word to either of us.. we got up, got dressed, went to the table, his mom walked into his room.. stripped the bed.. and I was so fucking mortified.. I just got up and walked out of the house and ran to my friends house.. little did I realize.. it was all a setup.. Sean wanted me.. Cody didnt want Suz.. they did nothing..
All in all.. no biggie.. Sean and I dated maybe 3 whole days.. before I said.. buh bye..
and that's the end of that!!!
1) What sight, sound, smell, object or whatever most remind you of a special someone?
hmm.... Im not sure if any of these really remind me of him.. I think it's just memories that remind me of him.. or certain times of the day that will bring on a memory of some sort..
2. Favourite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
Im a hands gal.. I love men's hands.. I think it's because the bigger their hands, the more skin they can touch on my body. Plus I have big hands.. not fat.. just big.. and I want my man to have hands that are bigger than mine.
Same sex.. Im a boobs gal.. I dont care how big.. or how small.. but either way they have to be real.. I dont wanna be touch silicone.. no offense to anyone.. It's just me...
3. Do you prefer to give or receive? Im a giver.. I love to please him.. I want to hear him moan/groan and say things... It makes me feel good to know that I can please him, I think that's a turn on in itself... however.. he sure as hell better be giving it to me in the end!!! LOL
4. One night stands- What's the protocol? Stay the night or get the hell outta there?
Sadly..Ive had my few one-nighters.. my protocol.. get the hell outta there.. wham bam... thank you.. now buh bye!!! There's a reason it's called a one-nighter.. you dont wanna mess up the good karma by all the messy talking in the morning!!!
5. What is the strangest place you've had sex?
Strangest place.. a bathroom in the downtown area after the 4th of July firework display.. little did we know that there was a line outside the door waiting for us to get done. Everyone started clapping cuz we carried on so loudly..
Bonus (as in optional): How old were you when you lost your virginity? Im gonna sound like such a slut here..but whatever.. I was almost 13..
Who was it to? his name was Sean
Describe the event:
describe the event.. oh wow.. it all started out as a huge joke.. my friend at the time wanted his friend at the time.. but.. his friend wouldnt date my friend, unless I dated his friend.. did that make any sense???? So.. I started to date Sean.. my friend Suz started dating his friend Cody.. and one thing led to another and Sean and I ended up in his room at his house on his bed.. and my clothes ended up on the floor.. I woke up the next morning to his Mother standing at the end of the bed, telling us to get up.. our breakfast was on the table.. that's right..
His Mother caught us.. however.. she said not a word to either of us.. we got up, got dressed, went to the table, his mom walked into his room.. stripped the bed.. and I was so fucking mortified.. I just got up and walked out of the house and ran to my friends house.. little did I realize.. it was all a setup.. Sean wanted me.. Cody didnt want Suz.. they did nothing..
All in all.. no biggie.. Sean and I dated maybe 3 whole days.. before I said.. buh bye..
and that's the end of that!!!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Feel me?
It's Monday Monday!!! my weekend was good.. I can actually say that I have met someone who I think will stop me from all this self loving that's been going on in my bedroom!
Saturday was Cinco de Meyo.. so off to T-Town to a small get together. I invited my friend R - whom I have posted about prior, my one time fuck buddy who sadly he and I just kind of went our seperate ways. We continued to email.. but we never were able to contact in that oh so intimate way again.
Amazingly enough he showed up Saturday night, it was rather late, and the majority of the pary go'ers were gone, but there were a few of us left and we continued to talk and laugh and had a great time. It had been months since I had seen him and it was good to just reconnect w/him on a intellectual level. In all honesty, in the past he and I never really had just "talked" it was all about just gettin down and gettin dirty, which of course was a-ok w/me!!! But it was great to get to know him on a more serious side.
However my girlfriend, who had one to many Corona's decided she was gonna give him a piece of her mind and proceeds to lay into him about how he's been disrespecting me, and Im a great gal and he should wake up and realize this and so forth and so on and blah blah blah! He handled it with such a good sense of humor I was suprised! He agreed w/her, informed her that the relationship that he and I had in the past was "gonna change" (not sure what that means), his next statement thru me for a loop and Im still not sure if it was ment as a compliment or a slam.
Were chit chatting.. and as Im standing there, but obviously not really there as everyone is talking about me in front of me, R and my gal pal start talking about my qualities.. and R said that Im just like a guy... I say whats on my mind, Im overly honest, and I dont sugar coats things, at first when he met me he wasnt sure about me, but over the years he's come to appreciate me.
I looked at him and told him, straight up.. I dont have time for all the games and bullshit. Life is to short to attempt to sugar coat things and put a nice spin on everything. This is me, like it or dont.. he just smiled at me..
Anyhow.. the night continued on we all started talking about relationships and communication and what's important, I honestly have no clue how we got onto this subject by this time there were just 4 of us left standing me, R, T (my girlfriend) and another guy, who did nothing but laugh all night, he really was a great guy... kind of good looking too ;)
so, about 3:30ish... R decided it's time for him to go home, we head out to his car, he's all hugging me and kissing me.. tellin me he has really missed me, that his player days are over, he hopes to see me this weekend, so forth and so on...
He leaves and it freakin hits me!!! He's gonna be 39 w/in the next two weeks.. I remember him telling me a few times over the course of us knowing each other, he wants to be settled by 40! HA!!! Soooo... he's ready to settle down and get serious about dating? No more of this, gonna have her and her and her and her!
Well best of luck... I wont be in the running for him.. Im sure.. Im to much of a "guy"
ok ok.. I guess it kind of bugged me..
Anyhow.. so.. will he call this week to see me this weekend???? Does he truly miss me???
Im just like a guy??? WTF?!
Well I finally got home around 4:30... and had my way with myself.. I had to search the house for new batteries, as Bob I guess has been getting to much of a work out and needed to be revived!!!
Hmmm..will I hear from him?
Shit.. I feel like a fucking teenager!!!!
Peace Im out!!!
Saturday was Cinco de Meyo.. so off to T-Town to a small get together. I invited my friend R - whom I have posted about prior, my one time fuck buddy who sadly he and I just kind of went our seperate ways. We continued to email.. but we never were able to contact in that oh so intimate way again.
Amazingly enough he showed up Saturday night, it was rather late, and the majority of the pary go'ers were gone, but there were a few of us left and we continued to talk and laugh and had a great time. It had been months since I had seen him and it was good to just reconnect w/him on a intellectual level. In all honesty, in the past he and I never really had just "talked" it was all about just gettin down and gettin dirty, which of course was a-ok w/me!!! But it was great to get to know him on a more serious side.
However my girlfriend, who had one to many Corona's decided she was gonna give him a piece of her mind and proceeds to lay into him about how he's been disrespecting me, and Im a great gal and he should wake up and realize this and so forth and so on and blah blah blah! He handled it with such a good sense of humor I was suprised! He agreed w/her, informed her that the relationship that he and I had in the past was "gonna change" (not sure what that means), his next statement thru me for a loop and Im still not sure if it was ment as a compliment or a slam.
Were chit chatting.. and as Im standing there, but obviously not really there as everyone is talking about me in front of me, R and my gal pal start talking about my qualities.. and R said that Im just like a guy... I say whats on my mind, Im overly honest, and I dont sugar coats things, at first when he met me he wasnt sure about me, but over the years he's come to appreciate me.
I looked at him and told him, straight up.. I dont have time for all the games and bullshit. Life is to short to attempt to sugar coat things and put a nice spin on everything. This is me, like it or dont.. he just smiled at me..
Anyhow.. the night continued on we all started talking about relationships and communication and what's important, I honestly have no clue how we got onto this subject by this time there were just 4 of us left standing me, R, T (my girlfriend) and another guy, who did nothing but laugh all night, he really was a great guy... kind of good looking too ;)
so, about 3:30ish... R decided it's time for him to go home, we head out to his car, he's all hugging me and kissing me.. tellin me he has really missed me, that his player days are over, he hopes to see me this weekend, so forth and so on...
He leaves and it freakin hits me!!! He's gonna be 39 w/in the next two weeks.. I remember him telling me a few times over the course of us knowing each other, he wants to be settled by 40! HA!!! Soooo... he's ready to settle down and get serious about dating? No more of this, gonna have her and her and her and her!
Well best of luck... I wont be in the running for him.. Im sure.. Im to much of a "guy"
ok ok.. I guess it kind of bugged me..
Anyhow.. so.. will he call this week to see me this weekend???? Does he truly miss me???
Im just like a guy??? WTF?!
Well I finally got home around 4:30... and had my way with myself.. I had to search the house for new batteries, as Bob I guess has been getting to much of a work out and needed to be revived!!!
Hmmm..will I hear from him?
Shit.. I feel like a fucking teenager!!!!
Peace Im out!!!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Self Love
It's been almost a year since Ive felt a man inside me.
sometimes I wonder if it's me or the vibes that I am sending off?
Im not an unattractive women, more along the lines of just being fed up with the whole cat & mouse game of finding that perfect lover. Lets face it, no lover is perfect! There is always room for improvment. Whether that be him or me.
But what does it boil down to? I keep remembering that episode of Sex n the City where one of the girls gets a new dildo and refuses' to leave her apartment. Me and my play toy have had a lot of fun over the last few months. However I think Im getting tired of it.. I need some new vibrations :)
What's weird is that I have a huge sex drive, and I can read something, or think of something and instantly get turned on, I feel those nether regions of mine to start to tingle and get a little moist and then I cant stop thinking about getting into bed that evening and allowing my hands to roam my body, then pulling out bob (battery operated boyfriend) and having my way with him!
I rarely feel guilty over my enjoyments... I mean seriously why should I? I have been masterbating since I figured out what pleasure I could bring myself. Hell I started having sex at the young tender age of 12.. ok ok.. I was almost 13.. but.. once I figured out what I needed to do, what I enjoyed it was all about the release.
But, coming full circle, like I said, it's been almost a year. why so long you ask.. well.. I kind of swore off men, mainly because of the song and dance.. it's so much damn effort to get to know someone, to understand them, to figure out if there is a connection. All the games of dating are lost on me. Lets just get it on.. but.. on the flip side of this, is the whole STD issues. I dont want any of that.. I know I know there are condoms available... but.. I aint taking them back to my place I dont want some random stranger knowing where I live, and I sure as hell dont wanna go to their place... so then what?
I really need a fuck buddy... or a beneficial friend.. no strings attatched.. it's just sex.. like Pretty Women, no kissing cuz that makes it to intimate!!! HAHA...
Ok.. on this note all this talking makes me horny baby... guess I should head home, think about bed and let bob out of his drawer.. oh... yeah.. a nice hot shower w/the water beating down on ya is great too!!! haha... oh yeah ladies and gentlemen.. there is NOTHING wrong with a little self love!!!
Peace
sometimes I wonder if it's me or the vibes that I am sending off?
Im not an unattractive women, more along the lines of just being fed up with the whole cat & mouse game of finding that perfect lover. Lets face it, no lover is perfect! There is always room for improvment. Whether that be him or me.
But what does it boil down to? I keep remembering that episode of Sex n the City where one of the girls gets a new dildo and refuses' to leave her apartment. Me and my play toy have had a lot of fun over the last few months. However I think Im getting tired of it.. I need some new vibrations :)
What's weird is that I have a huge sex drive, and I can read something, or think of something and instantly get turned on, I feel those nether regions of mine to start to tingle and get a little moist and then I cant stop thinking about getting into bed that evening and allowing my hands to roam my body, then pulling out bob (battery operated boyfriend) and having my way with him!
I rarely feel guilty over my enjoyments... I mean seriously why should I? I have been masterbating since I figured out what pleasure I could bring myself. Hell I started having sex at the young tender age of 12.. ok ok.. I was almost 13.. but.. once I figured out what I needed to do, what I enjoyed it was all about the release.
But, coming full circle, like I said, it's been almost a year. why so long you ask.. well.. I kind of swore off men, mainly because of the song and dance.. it's so much damn effort to get to know someone, to understand them, to figure out if there is a connection. All the games of dating are lost on me. Lets just get it on.. but.. on the flip side of this, is the whole STD issues. I dont want any of that.. I know I know there are condoms available... but.. I aint taking them back to my place I dont want some random stranger knowing where I live, and I sure as hell dont wanna go to their place... so then what?
I really need a fuck buddy... or a beneficial friend.. no strings attatched.. it's just sex.. like Pretty Women, no kissing cuz that makes it to intimate!!! HAHA...
Ok.. on this note all this talking makes me horny baby... guess I should head home, think about bed and let bob out of his drawer.. oh... yeah.. a nice hot shower w/the water beating down on ya is great too!!! haha... oh yeah ladies and gentlemen.. there is NOTHING wrong with a little self love!!!
Peace
Thursday, April 26, 2007
What an ASS!!!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where: :) means a smile
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
Well, how about some "A$$ICONS?" Here goes
(_!_) a regular a$$
(__!__) a fat a$$
(!) a tight a$$
(_*_) a sore a$$
{_!_} a swishy a$$
(_x_) kiss my a$$
(_X_) leave my a$$ alone
(_zzz_) a tired a$$
(_E=mc2_) a smart a$$
(_$_) Money coming out of his a$$
(_?_) Dumb A$$
hahahaha.. just wanted to share some of my ass with you..
where: :) means a smile
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
Well, how about some "A$$ICONS?" Here goes
(_!_) a regular a$$
(__!__) a fat a$$
(!) a tight a$$
(_*_) a sore a$$
{_!_} a swishy a$$
(_x_) kiss my a$$
(_X_) leave my a$$ alone
(_zzz_) a tired a$$
(_E=mc2_) a smart a$$
(_$_) Money coming out of his a$$
(_?_) Dumb A$$
hahahaha.. just wanted to share some of my ass with you..
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
It's another day in the week
I skipped out on Friday.. not from work.. but from blogging..
work has been so caotic, that I swear my boss has her boot up my ass.. because work is a total pain in my ass!!!!
So.. just a brief memory...
I started babysitting when I was about 12, probably rather young to be watching other peoples kids.. but it was a way for me to earn extra money... or to get my drugs...
I was introduced to pot around the same time.. I keep trying to remember what got me started into my corrupt world.. and for the life of me, I can not honestly remember.
It could be this reason, or that reason, or this time or that time... in all honestly I think it's a whole mess of cluster fucks that got me started on my down hill spiral.
S met this lady, I have no clue where nor can I remember her name at the moment..nor can I remember her kids name... but I remember her boyfriend.. and you will understand why.
Anyhow.. S met this lady, who loved to drink and smoke a whole lotta Mary Jane... she called S up one day and asked if there was a possibility of her babysitting her two young kids.. I remember there were 2.. a toddler and a baby... S's mom said that she couldnt go alone, so.. low and behold, S and I went to sit on a couple of snot nosed brats.
The wee ones were in bed when we arrived, (oh.. I just remembered her name.. the lady who we baby sat for.. Sandy!!!! LOL the memory is a weird thing) anywho....
so.. like I was saying, we arrived her wee one's were in bed, she heads off to do some drinking w/her friends, informs us that her boyfriend will be home around midnight but he will just go to sleep and she will take us home when she get's home around 2ish... uh huh...
around midnight, the boyfriend shows up.. S & I are sitting in the kitchen playing some card game (as there was no tv) and I look up and see this old grizzly looking guy standing in the doorway.... just standing there... staring at us.. w/this cocky little smile on his face...
That moment will be etched in my memory forever... he finally introduces himself as Wayne.. walks over, grabs a beer from the fridge, offers S and I one.. sure what the hell.. pulls up a chair.. sit's down and pulls out a pipe and his pot.. proceeds to load a bowl hands it to me... now.. so what does a girl do.. she smokes it.. and that pipe was passed between the 3 of us for ever... and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. I was so ripped I fell off the chair.. and laughed and laughed.. Wayne picked me up.. and sat me on his lap.. and we laughed.. and laughed and laughed.. but people.. nothing happened... I know what your all thinking.. but no..
he was a pervert.. there's no doubt about that.. but he never touched us in an inappropriate way... he just got us drunk.. and got us high.. would rub our backs, our thighs, I suppose looking back on it now... he was "grooming" us.. but.. nothing ever happened....
That night was the beginning of many many nights... it got to the point where they stopped paying us in $$ and started paying us w/drugs... to watch there kids.. who were always in bed by the time S and I got there. Sometimes, we would use the excuse that we were babysitting, just to go over to Sandy & Wayne's when the kids werent even there. They were at their fathers, but Sandy/Wayne would let us come over and we would invite our boyfriends over while they were gone.. Wayned always came home before Sandy.. and he would sit around w/us and drink and get us high..
Then one day.. Sandy decided that S & I werent allowed to babysit anymore.. seems her and Wayne had a huge fight over us... Wayne told her that he enjoyed our company more than hers.. and she didnt take kindly to it.. We had been babysitting for them for almost 2 yrs... things never got out of hand.. we were always in our own beds by morning.. we never allowed Wayne to touch us inappropriately.
Looking back, I suppose we should of never gotten in those car's with those drunken, high, out of control people.. but at that young stupid age, what did we know? All we knew was that it was a way to get high, to get out of our house's... to see our boyfriends.. to do what we wanted to do.
Stupidity....... at such a young age..
If I could.. would I go back and change anything? No.. I dont think so, I was one of the lucky ones I came out of all the bullshit alive, and with my eyes wide open.
work has been so caotic, that I swear my boss has her boot up my ass.. because work is a total pain in my ass!!!!
So.. just a brief memory...
I started babysitting when I was about 12, probably rather young to be watching other peoples kids.. but it was a way for me to earn extra money... or to get my drugs...
I was introduced to pot around the same time.. I keep trying to remember what got me started into my corrupt world.. and for the life of me, I can not honestly remember.
It could be this reason, or that reason, or this time or that time... in all honestly I think it's a whole mess of cluster fucks that got me started on my down hill spiral.
S met this lady, I have no clue where nor can I remember her name at the moment..nor can I remember her kids name... but I remember her boyfriend.. and you will understand why.
Anyhow.. S met this lady, who loved to drink and smoke a whole lotta Mary Jane... she called S up one day and asked if there was a possibility of her babysitting her two young kids.. I remember there were 2.. a toddler and a baby... S's mom said that she couldnt go alone, so.. low and behold, S and I went to sit on a couple of snot nosed brats.
The wee ones were in bed when we arrived, (oh.. I just remembered her name.. the lady who we baby sat for.. Sandy!!!! LOL the memory is a weird thing) anywho....
so.. like I was saying, we arrived her wee one's were in bed, she heads off to do some drinking w/her friends, informs us that her boyfriend will be home around midnight but he will just go to sleep and she will take us home when she get's home around 2ish... uh huh...
around midnight, the boyfriend shows up.. S & I are sitting in the kitchen playing some card game (as there was no tv) and I look up and see this old grizzly looking guy standing in the doorway.... just standing there... staring at us.. w/this cocky little smile on his face...
That moment will be etched in my memory forever... he finally introduces himself as Wayne.. walks over, grabs a beer from the fridge, offers S and I one.. sure what the hell.. pulls up a chair.. sit's down and pulls out a pipe and his pot.. proceeds to load a bowl hands it to me... now.. so what does a girl do.. she smokes it.. and that pipe was passed between the 3 of us for ever... and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. I was so ripped I fell off the chair.. and laughed and laughed.. Wayne picked me up.. and sat me on his lap.. and we laughed.. and laughed and laughed.. but people.. nothing happened... I know what your all thinking.. but no..
he was a pervert.. there's no doubt about that.. but he never touched us in an inappropriate way... he just got us drunk.. and got us high.. would rub our backs, our thighs, I suppose looking back on it now... he was "grooming" us.. but.. nothing ever happened....
That night was the beginning of many many nights... it got to the point where they stopped paying us in $$ and started paying us w/drugs... to watch there kids.. who were always in bed by the time S and I got there. Sometimes, we would use the excuse that we were babysitting, just to go over to Sandy & Wayne's when the kids werent even there. They were at their fathers, but Sandy/Wayne would let us come over and we would invite our boyfriends over while they were gone.. Wayned always came home before Sandy.. and he would sit around w/us and drink and get us high..
Then one day.. Sandy decided that S & I werent allowed to babysit anymore.. seems her and Wayne had a huge fight over us... Wayne told her that he enjoyed our company more than hers.. and she didnt take kindly to it.. We had been babysitting for them for almost 2 yrs... things never got out of hand.. we were always in our own beds by morning.. we never allowed Wayne to touch us inappropriately.
Looking back, I suppose we should of never gotten in those car's with those drunken, high, out of control people.. but at that young stupid age, what did we know? All we knew was that it was a way to get high, to get out of our house's... to see our boyfriends.. to do what we wanted to do.
Stupidity....... at such a young age..
If I could.. would I go back and change anything? No.. I dont think so, I was one of the lucky ones I came out of all the bullshit alive, and with my eyes wide open.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Young Lady.. Put that down!
Ive been sitting here racking my brain on what to post about..
There are a ton of memories.. but.. which ones do I post about?
So.. I have decided to write about the lake, being drunk, broken beer bottles, and the Police.
Where to start......
Cast of Characters
Jim
Me
S
Wally
Mark
John
Tonya
Scoot
Dex
Some other gals that I cant remember who the hell they are.
OPD - coppers!!!
Location:
Louise Lake - Washington
We all arrived in our seperate POS vehicles (piece of shits).... I believe at the time I was just barely 16, I had a job that I rarely showed up for, seems I was always ill for some reason or another. We arrived at the lake farely early, around 10 am. Ready and raring for the fun to begin. The 5th's of alcohol started being passed, the pipes were pulled out, the pot started smoldering. By 12:30 we were all toasted... gone.. laughing, pushing each other in the lake, some were wondering off behind tree's and getting their freak on, S was breaking empty beer bottles on large rocks... (that's how we got caught)
As I sat on a log, over looking the lake, I picked up a 5th of Jack and heard a twig snap behind me, I didnt think much of it, as I brought that 5th up to my lips I hear "Young lady, put that down!" I slowly turn, as if Im in a dream and see our town's finest in blue standing there. Hand on his gun, ready to draw.... so.. I slowly put the bottle down.. raise my hands up, cuz hell I didnt wanna get shot... stood up, turned around.. he took one look at me.. and knew who I was.
Officer: Your so & so's daughter arnt you?
Me: maybe
Officer: Where's S?
S: Im here (as she comes out from behind a tree)
= side note.. S's mom was the Sheriff's secretary.. so they all knew her.. knew me as my father know's EVERYONE!!!!
Officer: (looking around.. ) Sir.. please come here (talking to Jim)
Jim that dumb fuck drunk/stoned jumps into the lake and attempts to swim to the other side.. that didnt work out to well for him, he headed back to shore, comes out of the water, I remember looking at him coming out of the water thinking to myself.. that's my man.. he's mine.. what a GOD!!!! (pathetic now) anyhow...
he was arrested for contributing to minors, handcuffed, thrown into the back of the cop car, so was Wally, Mark, Scoot, Dex on outstanding warrents.... S & I.. well..
they called my father.. and my loving father told them to throw my ass into Juvi... he didnt know what to do with me anymore.... they called S's mom.. and she said she would come pick both of us up..
She showed up shortly there of.. put us into her car (as we were sitting in a cop car waiting for her) took us back to her house, informed us to pack our belongings as she was taking us on a 20 mile over night hiking trip. The biggest mistake she made, was she left and headed back to work! I remember after she left, S & I looked at each other.. said HELL NO.. packed our belongings alright.. but we hightailed it outta there and headed out to find our "friends"
Amazingly enough... we located everyone.. for whatever reason they let everyone go.. no charges were pressed, we got down to our home away from home - the White house - and there sat Dex, Scoot, Mark, Wally... however.. Jim was nowhere to be found..
He had been released, but he disappeared from the jail and noone had seen him.
We went about our partying ways that night... and the next day...
Jim finally showed up.. smelling clean, freshly shaved, washed clothing... but where was he?
He had a bout of conscious so he said.. he said that when he watched me being handcuffed and put into the back of a cop car he realized this was no life for he and I. When he got released he went to friends house, cleaned up and found a part time job. He wanted us to be together forever he said.. and the only way he could see that happening is if he finally got a job and was able to provide for me.
Little did I realize he went thru my belongings that night.. and threw away my birthcontrol pills. He thought that if I were to get pregnant that would be a sure fire way for he and I to be together forever.
I remember him saying to me...
"I want to know what forever is"
I was home w/in 2 weeks of that adventure.. only for a brief stay... to get cleaned up.. wash some clothes.. get some $$ and then I was gone again.. onto my next wild adventure..
each adventure was always with the same people... they were my friends.. my confidents, my allies... they had my back, I had there's.
15 yrs later.. S and I are still the best of friends.. but we have both grown up so much.. Jim has passed away.. Scoot & Dex grew up and have families and are doing well.. Mark & Wally - who were brothers.. I have no idea what happened to them. John.. disappeared.. Tonya.. I hear she's still a strung out mess.
It amazes me how people can continue to live like that. How they can continue to be strung out, living just for the high. What about growing up? What about moving forward in life? What about your children? What about yourself?
Anyhow..
Peace
There are a ton of memories.. but.. which ones do I post about?
So.. I have decided to write about the lake, being drunk, broken beer bottles, and the Police.
Where to start......
Cast of Characters
Jim
Me
S
Wally
Mark
John
Tonya
Scoot
Dex
Some other gals that I cant remember who the hell they are.
OPD - coppers!!!
Location:
Louise Lake - Washington
We all arrived in our seperate POS vehicles (piece of shits).... I believe at the time I was just barely 16, I had a job that I rarely showed up for, seems I was always ill for some reason or another. We arrived at the lake farely early, around 10 am. Ready and raring for the fun to begin. The 5th's of alcohol started being passed, the pipes were pulled out, the pot started smoldering. By 12:30 we were all toasted... gone.. laughing, pushing each other in the lake, some were wondering off behind tree's and getting their freak on, S was breaking empty beer bottles on large rocks... (that's how we got caught)
As I sat on a log, over looking the lake, I picked up a 5th of Jack and heard a twig snap behind me, I didnt think much of it, as I brought that 5th up to my lips I hear "Young lady, put that down!" I slowly turn, as if Im in a dream and see our town's finest in blue standing there. Hand on his gun, ready to draw.... so.. I slowly put the bottle down.. raise my hands up, cuz hell I didnt wanna get shot... stood up, turned around.. he took one look at me.. and knew who I was.
Officer: Your so & so's daughter arnt you?
Me: maybe
Officer: Where's S?
S: Im here (as she comes out from behind a tree)
= side note.. S's mom was the Sheriff's secretary.. so they all knew her.. knew me as my father know's EVERYONE!!!!
Officer: (looking around.. ) Sir.. please come here (talking to Jim)
Jim that dumb fuck drunk/stoned jumps into the lake and attempts to swim to the other side.. that didnt work out to well for him, he headed back to shore, comes out of the water, I remember looking at him coming out of the water thinking to myself.. that's my man.. he's mine.. what a GOD!!!! (pathetic now) anyhow...
he was arrested for contributing to minors, handcuffed, thrown into the back of the cop car, so was Wally, Mark, Scoot, Dex on outstanding warrents.... S & I.. well..
they called my father.. and my loving father told them to throw my ass into Juvi... he didnt know what to do with me anymore.... they called S's mom.. and she said she would come pick both of us up..
She showed up shortly there of.. put us into her car (as we were sitting in a cop car waiting for her) took us back to her house, informed us to pack our belongings as she was taking us on a 20 mile over night hiking trip. The biggest mistake she made, was she left and headed back to work! I remember after she left, S & I looked at each other.. said HELL NO.. packed our belongings alright.. but we hightailed it outta there and headed out to find our "friends"
Amazingly enough... we located everyone.. for whatever reason they let everyone go.. no charges were pressed, we got down to our home away from home - the White house - and there sat Dex, Scoot, Mark, Wally... however.. Jim was nowhere to be found..
He had been released, but he disappeared from the jail and noone had seen him.
We went about our partying ways that night... and the next day...
Jim finally showed up.. smelling clean, freshly shaved, washed clothing... but where was he?
He had a bout of conscious so he said.. he said that when he watched me being handcuffed and put into the back of a cop car he realized this was no life for he and I. When he got released he went to friends house, cleaned up and found a part time job. He wanted us to be together forever he said.. and the only way he could see that happening is if he finally got a job and was able to provide for me.
Little did I realize he went thru my belongings that night.. and threw away my birthcontrol pills. He thought that if I were to get pregnant that would be a sure fire way for he and I to be together forever.
I remember him saying to me...
"I want to know what forever is"
I was home w/in 2 weeks of that adventure.. only for a brief stay... to get cleaned up.. wash some clothes.. get some $$ and then I was gone again.. onto my next wild adventure..
each adventure was always with the same people... they were my friends.. my confidents, my allies... they had my back, I had there's.
15 yrs later.. S and I are still the best of friends.. but we have both grown up so much.. Jim has passed away.. Scoot & Dex grew up and have families and are doing well.. Mark & Wally - who were brothers.. I have no idea what happened to them. John.. disappeared.. Tonya.. I hear she's still a strung out mess.
It amazes me how people can continue to live like that. How they can continue to be strung out, living just for the high. What about growing up? What about moving forward in life? What about your children? What about yourself?
Anyhow..
Peace
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The big pond in the sky
Bitchy Big Hair has left this world and moved onto the big fish pond in the sky.
I mean.. it was time.. I know that.. he was over 4 yrs old, and normally Betta's dont live that long. How he made it that far I will never know... but... so long my little blue fishy friend. I will see you in another life.
Other than that.. I feel like crap... nasty ass crap in my nose, moving to my chest, causing coughing spells, sinus headaches, running down the back of my throat, into my tummy.. which in turn is causing nausea... oh yeah.. I feel great!!!!
Whatelse.. Oh..I started the Atkins diet.. last week.. figured I will loose some damn weight before the Do Wa... ( large biker gathering in July) I will loose at least 20lbs by then.. so anyhow.. started last week.. Ive lost at least 6 lbs so far.. so cross your fingers.. as soon as this fucking cold goes away I will get back to the gym too!!!
Ok.. I didnt post on Friday due to this cold, I ended up leaving work early.. so.. I will double up my Friday post this friday.. gotta sit down and think about some juvenile shit that I did... hahaha...
Peace..Im off to the drug store.. must buy drugs!!!
I mean.. it was time.. I know that.. he was over 4 yrs old, and normally Betta's dont live that long. How he made it that far I will never know... but... so long my little blue fishy friend. I will see you in another life.
Other than that.. I feel like crap... nasty ass crap in my nose, moving to my chest, causing coughing spells, sinus headaches, running down the back of my throat, into my tummy.. which in turn is causing nausea... oh yeah.. I feel great!!!!
Whatelse.. Oh..I started the Atkins diet.. last week.. figured I will loose some damn weight before the Do Wa... ( large biker gathering in July) I will loose at least 20lbs by then.. so anyhow.. started last week.. Ive lost at least 6 lbs so far.. so cross your fingers.. as soon as this fucking cold goes away I will get back to the gym too!!!
Ok.. I didnt post on Friday due to this cold, I ended up leaving work early.. so.. I will double up my Friday post this friday.. gotta sit down and think about some juvenile shit that I did... hahaha...
Peace..Im off to the drug store.. must buy drugs!!!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Feelings.... nothing but feelings...
Tuesday afternoon, the sun is shinning, I hear the lawn mowers out side
the wind is a bit chilly.
I have nothing to write about. Im full of so much doubt lately. My negativity has blossomed to the point of hatred. I hate those around me, I hate myself and I need to change that. Was it the dull days of winter that brought about all the self pity and gloom? Is it all that winter fat that I have gained? What is it? Why have I become so negative? My life isnt bad. It's not perfection either, but hell.. after all the things Ive been thru, all the roller coaster rides Ive put myself thru.. I have survived.. and I will continue to survive. Maybe the difference now is the fact that I have two small wonders looking up at me looking for direction, council, guidance, & love.
Part of me feels so empty and hollow, like I have nothing more to give. I have nothing more to state, nothing to feel, that part wants to curl up and just wither away. To be left alone. Allowed to wallow in my gloom and self doubt, and yet there is a larger part of me that wants to break free, be recognized, loved, cherished, accepted. I want to dance and scream at the top of the mountain.. but if I do dance and scream what will the village people think? Will they laugh and point and call me names? Will I be forced to run away? Why do I care what others think of me?
Their is anger too, simmering under the surface like a caged animal. I can feel it attempting to lash out, it takes all my strength to keep it rained in. Why is it so powerful? The red hues' are on the fringes of my vision. The anger will cut and tear pieces of me away. To the point of mass destruction. It will wreck havoc among those not able to with-stand the evil. Lashing out until there is complete caos. Then what? What will become of those around me if I allow it to escape? Currently it's festering, and will boil over at any time.
Then what?
What now?
What will become of me?
the wind is a bit chilly.
I have nothing to write about. Im full of so much doubt lately. My negativity has blossomed to the point of hatred. I hate those around me, I hate myself and I need to change that. Was it the dull days of winter that brought about all the self pity and gloom? Is it all that winter fat that I have gained? What is it? Why have I become so negative? My life isnt bad. It's not perfection either, but hell.. after all the things Ive been thru, all the roller coaster rides Ive put myself thru.. I have survived.. and I will continue to survive. Maybe the difference now is the fact that I have two small wonders looking up at me looking for direction, council, guidance, & love.
Part of me feels so empty and hollow, like I have nothing more to give. I have nothing more to state, nothing to feel, that part wants to curl up and just wither away. To be left alone. Allowed to wallow in my gloom and self doubt, and yet there is a larger part of me that wants to break free, be recognized, loved, cherished, accepted. I want to dance and scream at the top of the mountain.. but if I do dance and scream what will the village people think? Will they laugh and point and call me names? Will I be forced to run away? Why do I care what others think of me?
Their is anger too, simmering under the surface like a caged animal. I can feel it attempting to lash out, it takes all my strength to keep it rained in. Why is it so powerful? The red hues' are on the fringes of my vision. The anger will cut and tear pieces of me away. To the point of mass destruction. It will wreck havoc among those not able to with-stand the evil. Lashing out until there is complete caos. Then what? What will become of those around me if I allow it to escape? Currently it's festering, and will boil over at any time.
Then what?
What now?
What will become of me?
Friday, March 30, 2007
SLB/SLG
Gangs are running rampid through out the United States
Im not going to claim to know anything about them.. all Im going to say..
it's that it's down right fucking scary!
During my street living days.. the police dept decided to start looking into this whole gang related lifestyle.. for whatever reason, they seemed to think that a group of us, were forming a gang.
Granted, there were a few of our "group" that were contineously in trouble with the law, in and out of jail, not just for drugs, but for assault, burglarly, felonies, consumption, and god only knows what else. (note..I was NOT one of those)
The "men" of our group decided that since we were being stereotyped that we may as well come up with a name for our little "group". The SLB was born.. Street Lover Boys... the girls... SLG... Street Lover Girls (kind of corny huh?)
The guys had tatoo's on there for arms, some of the girls got tat's too.. luckily I never fell into that.. but.. the Police Dept didnt take to kindly to us forming our "gang".
During my street living times, I would wonder home once in awhile, stay for a few weeks, remembered why I didnt want to live with my father, and would take off again. It was during one of my brief home visits while I was at school, that I realized just how serious the SLB was taking their little "gang". During a school assembly, the Police Dept was there to discuss with student/teachers & parents the threat that was living on our Downtown streets.
As I sat in that school gymnasium, I see pictures flashing up on the wall coming from a projector.. pictures of my Jim, pictures of D & R & J & everyone else I know.. and then.. the girls.. the SLG.. there's me.. and S & T & others of our association ... oh yeah.. as I sat in that gymnasium.. in a room full of my peers, there I am, up on screen the whole school being informed that I am a gang member. That we deal drugs, organize assualts, theft and other things that are associated to crime activities.
That assembly was so intense, little did I realize that I was associated with a "gang". Little did I realize that I was being watched for "gang" activities. Little did I realize that I associated with "gang" members. I had no part in a gang. I took no part in any assualts (well except the ones that pushed me first) I took no part in dealing of drugs ( I just consumed the drugs I didnt deal them) I took no part in any thefts ( only thing I have ever stollen was a bottle of nail polish when I was 11 on a dare) so how in the world was I being associated with a gang?
Ahhh... that's just it.. I associated with the SLB.. I was dating an older guy, one of the "leaders" of this so called gang..
We were just a group of strung out, under indulged teenagers. Looking for a good time, a way to get high or drunk. Now.. I look back and I think about those days.... sure.. there were assualts.. I do remember some of the guys stealing to get money.. I remember some bad ass things.
Like the time R came running down the street, blood dripping from his hand, yelling he just stabbed someone.
I remember some of the guys intimidating a witness in a rape case.. ( I had nothing to do with it)
but.. I remember .. I remember... I do rememer some things..
Does that make us a gang?
Or does that make us a group of dumb asses?
Im not going to claim to know anything about them.. all Im going to say..
it's that it's down right fucking scary!
During my street living days.. the police dept decided to start looking into this whole gang related lifestyle.. for whatever reason, they seemed to think that a group of us, were forming a gang.
Granted, there were a few of our "group" that were contineously in trouble with the law, in and out of jail, not just for drugs, but for assault, burglarly, felonies, consumption, and god only knows what else. (note..I was NOT one of those)
The "men" of our group decided that since we were being stereotyped that we may as well come up with a name for our little "group". The SLB was born.. Street Lover Boys... the girls... SLG... Street Lover Girls (kind of corny huh?)
The guys had tatoo's on there for arms, some of the girls got tat's too.. luckily I never fell into that.. but.. the Police Dept didnt take to kindly to us forming our "gang".
During my street living times, I would wonder home once in awhile, stay for a few weeks, remembered why I didnt want to live with my father, and would take off again. It was during one of my brief home visits while I was at school, that I realized just how serious the SLB was taking their little "gang". During a school assembly, the Police Dept was there to discuss with student/teachers & parents the threat that was living on our Downtown streets.
As I sat in that school gymnasium, I see pictures flashing up on the wall coming from a projector.. pictures of my Jim, pictures of D & R & J & everyone else I know.. and then.. the girls.. the SLG.. there's me.. and S & T & others of our association ... oh yeah.. as I sat in that gymnasium.. in a room full of my peers, there I am, up on screen the whole school being informed that I am a gang member. That we deal drugs, organize assualts, theft and other things that are associated to crime activities.
That assembly was so intense, little did I realize that I was associated with a "gang". Little did I realize that I was being watched for "gang" activities. Little did I realize that I associated with "gang" members. I had no part in a gang. I took no part in any assualts (well except the ones that pushed me first) I took no part in dealing of drugs ( I just consumed the drugs I didnt deal them) I took no part in any thefts ( only thing I have ever stollen was a bottle of nail polish when I was 11 on a dare) so how in the world was I being associated with a gang?
Ahhh... that's just it.. I associated with the SLB.. I was dating an older guy, one of the "leaders" of this so called gang..
We were just a group of strung out, under indulged teenagers. Looking for a good time, a way to get high or drunk. Now.. I look back and I think about those days.... sure.. there were assualts.. I do remember some of the guys stealing to get money.. I remember some bad ass things.
Like the time R came running down the street, blood dripping from his hand, yelling he just stabbed someone.
I remember some of the guys intimidating a witness in a rape case.. ( I had nothing to do with it)
but.. I remember .. I remember... I do rememer some things..
Does that make us a gang?
Or does that make us a group of dumb asses?
Friday, March 23, 2007
48 Hr Build
I was raised a Jehovah's Witness.. from birth until I finally left the "congregation" when I was 12.
The Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witness's didnt like to spend lot's of money, so when a new Hall needed to be built, they would do a 48 hr build. Yep, you guessed it, a Hall would be errected and finished w/in 48 hours. Now, Im sure some of you would say impossible.. but.. in all truth.. not impossible.. it was amazing to watch ground breaking, to walls errected, to furniture put in, to the cutting of the ribbon.. all w/in 48 hrs.
Let me break it down a little for you.
Land clearing would take place a week prior.. the Brothers & Sisters would do ALL the work that was required.. we would pull in electricions & plumbers from other congregations to assist... handymen, contractors, builders, engineer's, you name it.. the JW's had them somewhere, some place.. and in some cases they would fly in from other states if another congregation absolutely needed them!!!! All at their own expense too.. the Watchtower Society never paid for their Brother & Sister's to go help a 48 Hr Build.. at least.. not to my knowledge.
The last 48 hr build I attended, was the turning point of my life.. I think anyway.. I dreamt of this last night, and figured that I should blog about it..
So anyway.. like I said, my last 48 hr build was I like to think now.. my turning point.
A group of us took off into the adjacent woods.. I think I was 11, there was me.. my friend S.. who was the only worldy friend my Mother allowed me to have, and that only reason was because she lived across the street from us, and we went to school together. So.. on this particular God-Fearing event.. S accompanied me...
Like I was saying, S & I.. and the Martinez brothers, and 4 others.. whom I cant remember their names for the life of me.. all took off into the woods.. our parents were busy building, sweeping, sawing, cleaning, cooking.. and whatever else our parents did at these builds. Us wee ones shirked our responsibility and high tailed it outta there..
We sat in a circle.. and basically started a cool game of spin the bottle..
And whenever that bottle got spun, some type of no-no-no was being done.
Kissing, groping, more kissing.. more groping..
Things that good little JW boys & girls were NOT allowed to do.
I was sent off into the woods w/one of the Martinez brothers..
Our dare, was to see how far the two of us would go?
I was 11 years old.. he was 11 years old..
What did we know of "going all the way"?
What did we know of any of this stuff?
The majority of us were raised in a strict enviroment.. but not the Martinez boys..
oh now.. they were new to the "fold" they had been worldly first.. at that time, I think they had only been witnesses for maybe 2 yrs.
Oh yeah.. 11 yrs old.. w/no previous knowledge of the birds & the bee's.. no real knowledge of the outside world.. sure.. my friend S.. but she lived in a single one parent home, and her mom kept a tight rule on her.. and she was Catholic!!!
So.. off into the woods he and I go.. he lays his jacket on the ground.. I lay down.. he joins.. he's kissing me.. and his hand starts to go up my shirt..
and I got a bad case of the giggles.. which turned into a loud case of the laughs.. followed by, him looking at me.. and wondering what in the hell possesed me..
We got up, went back to the group, I know my face was red.. and I was still laughing.. lord oh lord.. I couldnt stop laughing..that pretty much broke up our little game of spin the bottle.. but.. on that cold, over casted day.. I got a taste of what true freedom was!
I got a taste of what else there was in the world.. I got a taste of forbidden advances, of things you were only allowed between two married people.
I had a taste for Freedom!!!!!
I walked away from the Congregation just before my 13th birthday... I discovered so many other things.. cigarrettes, drinking, pot... and sex.. I lost my virginity at the age of the summer before I turned 13.... that time in the woods at the 48 hr build.. was the beginning to the end.. the end to my innocence.. the begging to a whole new world..
There are still some things I believe in from my JW days.. some scriptures that are still imbedded in my mind.. thoughts & teachings that were taught that are still a part of me today.
But.. I wouldnt change anything..
cuz regardless of all the things Ive done to myself.. I am still proud of me!!!
The Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witness's didnt like to spend lot's of money, so when a new Hall needed to be built, they would do a 48 hr build. Yep, you guessed it, a Hall would be errected and finished w/in 48 hours. Now, Im sure some of you would say impossible.. but.. in all truth.. not impossible.. it was amazing to watch ground breaking, to walls errected, to furniture put in, to the cutting of the ribbon.. all w/in 48 hrs.
Let me break it down a little for you.
Land clearing would take place a week prior.. the Brothers & Sisters would do ALL the work that was required.. we would pull in electricions & plumbers from other congregations to assist... handymen, contractors, builders, engineer's, you name it.. the JW's had them somewhere, some place.. and in some cases they would fly in from other states if another congregation absolutely needed them!!!! All at their own expense too.. the Watchtower Society never paid for their Brother & Sister's to go help a 48 Hr Build.. at least.. not to my knowledge.
The last 48 hr build I attended, was the turning point of my life.. I think anyway.. I dreamt of this last night, and figured that I should blog about it..
So anyway.. like I said, my last 48 hr build was I like to think now.. my turning point.
A group of us took off into the adjacent woods.. I think I was 11, there was me.. my friend S.. who was the only worldy friend my Mother allowed me to have, and that only reason was because she lived across the street from us, and we went to school together. So.. on this particular God-Fearing event.. S accompanied me...
Like I was saying, S & I.. and the Martinez brothers, and 4 others.. whom I cant remember their names for the life of me.. all took off into the woods.. our parents were busy building, sweeping, sawing, cleaning, cooking.. and whatever else our parents did at these builds. Us wee ones shirked our responsibility and high tailed it outta there..
We sat in a circle.. and basically started a cool game of spin the bottle..
And whenever that bottle got spun, some type of no-no-no was being done.
Kissing, groping, more kissing.. more groping..
Things that good little JW boys & girls were NOT allowed to do.
I was sent off into the woods w/one of the Martinez brothers..
Our dare, was to see how far the two of us would go?
I was 11 years old.. he was 11 years old..
What did we know of "going all the way"?
What did we know of any of this stuff?
The majority of us were raised in a strict enviroment.. but not the Martinez boys..
oh now.. they were new to the "fold" they had been worldly first.. at that time, I think they had only been witnesses for maybe 2 yrs.
Oh yeah.. 11 yrs old.. w/no previous knowledge of the birds & the bee's.. no real knowledge of the outside world.. sure.. my friend S.. but she lived in a single one parent home, and her mom kept a tight rule on her.. and she was Catholic!!!
So.. off into the woods he and I go.. he lays his jacket on the ground.. I lay down.. he joins.. he's kissing me.. and his hand starts to go up my shirt..
and I got a bad case of the giggles.. which turned into a loud case of the laughs.. followed by, him looking at me.. and wondering what in the hell possesed me..
We got up, went back to the group, I know my face was red.. and I was still laughing.. lord oh lord.. I couldnt stop laughing..that pretty much broke up our little game of spin the bottle.. but.. on that cold, over casted day.. I got a taste of what true freedom was!
I got a taste of what else there was in the world.. I got a taste of forbidden advances, of things you were only allowed between two married people.
I had a taste for Freedom!!!!!
I walked away from the Congregation just before my 13th birthday... I discovered so many other things.. cigarrettes, drinking, pot... and sex.. I lost my virginity at the age of the summer before I turned 13.... that time in the woods at the 48 hr build.. was the beginning to the end.. the end to my innocence.. the begging to a whole new world..
There are still some things I believe in from my JW days.. some scriptures that are still imbedded in my mind.. thoughts & teachings that were taught that are still a part of me today.
But.. I wouldnt change anything..
cuz regardless of all the things Ive done to myself.. I am still proud of me!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
2007 Words to Memorize
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Salmon Day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Cube Farm:
An office filled w/cubicles.
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on .
Mouse Potato:
The on-line wired generations answer to the couch potato.
Sitcoms:
Single Income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home w/the kids.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swipeout:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 not found" meaning that the requested site could not be located.
Generica:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
Ohnosecond:
The minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
Woofs:
Well-Off Older Folks
Crop Dusting:
Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Salmon Day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Cube Farm:
An office filled w/cubicles.
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on .
Mouse Potato:
The on-line wired generations answer to the couch potato.
Sitcoms:
Single Income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home w/the kids.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swipeout:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 not found" meaning that the requested site could not be located.
Generica:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
Ohnosecond:
The minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
Woofs:
Well-Off Older Folks
Crop Dusting:
Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Dark Days w/a view of sunshine
As many of you know..I was homeless off and on thru out my teen years.
This had nothing to do w/my parents.. it was all me.. my choices...my decisions...
Sleeping arrangments were always hard to come by. However there were 2 spots that we normally slept.
The White House
Dubbed this because it was a big 2 story run down, if a stiff wind came along it would blow over, white house... full of other "bum's" that lived downtown.
But this was one of my havens, it sat smack dab in the middle of Downtown Oly. Why it took the city so long to knock it down I dont know. Maybe because they realized if that white house wasnt there, us slacking/strung out demons of society would descend onto the streets of downtown oly late at night attempting to cop a squat in doorways or fine establishments such as the Governors House..
Abondended Warehouse
We mainly stayed at the warehouse, it was cold, damp, large and free from other's.
But the memories that place holds, are some of my fondest, we had many long philosophical acid tripping conversations sitting in this warehouse. The local PD would bring us coffee and donuts on those cold rainy/windy/wintery mornings. Some of the actual OPD actually kept an eye on us, I personally think it was because our families were in touch w/the police and that's how they kept in touch with us (especially since one of my friends mother was the secretary to the local Sherriff)
Both buildings are gone now... the white house lot has been replaced by a large city transit statioin.
The Warehouse...has been torn down, and is now just a vacant lot.. however..what I find interesting, is the fact that there is a problem in my current location where homelessness is an issue. We have a group of homeless men & women who setup a "tent city" on the Warehouse lot, to demenstrate that the city needs to address the homeless situation.
My thoughts on that.. if you dont want to be homeless, then dont be, there are a ton of programs out there that will assist you. I dont feel sorry for the homeless population.
I feel sorry for some of the ones who are elderly and/or mentally handicapped..and the children of parents who dont know how to care for them.
But, the others, the ones in their late teens and into their whatever age, that can care for themselves but are to damn lazy to do anything..
thats not my problem.. it's there's.. been there done that.. and cleaned my ass up.. they can too!!!
Any how..
Food..
We ate at the local Salvation Army... that was a treat.. cuz you had to be there for dinner by a specefic time... and if you showed up late.. you didnt get fed..
so we found other ways to eat too.. no..I never did the whole dumpster diving.. I could NEVER bring myself to that.. but.. the a few of the AM/PM's at midnight would throw out their pre-made food because they would have to make new.. so we would show up and instead of them throwing it away.. they would give it to us.. burrittos', taquitos, hamburgers, corn dogs.. and sometimes they would let us take a large fountain drink...
Oh..I know this sounds all depressing... but.. if I could go back in time, Im not sure if I would change anything. I had a blast living the way I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, with who I wanted to be with. Being where I wanted to be. I had no one to answer too.. and when your high.. things really arnt all that bad.
Dont get me wrong.. I sure as hell couldnt live like that now.. I like my comfy bed, my tv at night, my warm meal, and driving my wee little car.. the clean clothes on my back, and being able to take a shower when ever I damn well feel like it.
Speaking of showering.. I befriended an elderly lady who worked for the local community center.. she would allow my friend and I to come in every other day and use the showering facilities.. normally it was 5ocents... but she would pay for it..and provide all the hygiene products.. she was the sweetest little ol' women.. in turn, S & I would help clean up the restrooms so she wouldnt have to.. that was our payment to her for allowing us to shower.
See... we may of been homeless, on drugs, unruly at times, but one thing our parents did teach us, was you dont steal.. you dont lie.. and you dont cheat people..
of course they brought up the whole drug stuff too..but I obviously didnt listen to that!!
We have all pretty much cleaned up and gotten our lives straight..
a few have OD'd and have gone onto whatever their next life was.
A few have stayed in the same lifestyle..
Either way.. it was fun.. it was some whacked memories..
maybe there will be more to come
This had nothing to do w/my parents.. it was all me.. my choices...my decisions...
Sleeping arrangments were always hard to come by. However there were 2 spots that we normally slept.
The White House
Dubbed this because it was a big 2 story run down, if a stiff wind came along it would blow over, white house... full of other "bum's" that lived downtown.
But this was one of my havens, it sat smack dab in the middle of Downtown Oly. Why it took the city so long to knock it down I dont know. Maybe because they realized if that white house wasnt there, us slacking/strung out demons of society would descend onto the streets of downtown oly late at night attempting to cop a squat in doorways or fine establishments such as the Governors House..
Abondended Warehouse
We mainly stayed at the warehouse, it was cold, damp, large and free from other's.
But the memories that place holds, are some of my fondest, we had many long philosophical acid tripping conversations sitting in this warehouse. The local PD would bring us coffee and donuts on those cold rainy/windy/wintery mornings. Some of the actual OPD actually kept an eye on us, I personally think it was because our families were in touch w/the police and that's how they kept in touch with us (especially since one of my friends mother was the secretary to the local Sherriff)
Both buildings are gone now... the white house lot has been replaced by a large city transit statioin.
The Warehouse...has been torn down, and is now just a vacant lot.. however..what I find interesting, is the fact that there is a problem in my current location where homelessness is an issue. We have a group of homeless men & women who setup a "tent city" on the Warehouse lot, to demenstrate that the city needs to address the homeless situation.
My thoughts on that.. if you dont want to be homeless, then dont be, there are a ton of programs out there that will assist you. I dont feel sorry for the homeless population.
I feel sorry for some of the ones who are elderly and/or mentally handicapped..and the children of parents who dont know how to care for them.
But, the others, the ones in their late teens and into their whatever age, that can care for themselves but are to damn lazy to do anything..
thats not my problem.. it's there's.. been there done that.. and cleaned my ass up.. they can too!!!
Any how..
Food..
We ate at the local Salvation Army... that was a treat.. cuz you had to be there for dinner by a specefic time... and if you showed up late.. you didnt get fed..
so we found other ways to eat too.. no..I never did the whole dumpster diving.. I could NEVER bring myself to that.. but.. the a few of the AM/PM's at midnight would throw out their pre-made food because they would have to make new.. so we would show up and instead of them throwing it away.. they would give it to us.. burrittos', taquitos, hamburgers, corn dogs.. and sometimes they would let us take a large fountain drink...
Oh..I know this sounds all depressing... but.. if I could go back in time, Im not sure if I would change anything. I had a blast living the way I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, with who I wanted to be with. Being where I wanted to be. I had no one to answer too.. and when your high.. things really arnt all that bad.
Dont get me wrong.. I sure as hell couldnt live like that now.. I like my comfy bed, my tv at night, my warm meal, and driving my wee little car.. the clean clothes on my back, and being able to take a shower when ever I damn well feel like it.
Speaking of showering.. I befriended an elderly lady who worked for the local community center.. she would allow my friend and I to come in every other day and use the showering facilities.. normally it was 5ocents... but she would pay for it..and provide all the hygiene products.. she was the sweetest little ol' women.. in turn, S & I would help clean up the restrooms so she wouldnt have to.. that was our payment to her for allowing us to shower.
See... we may of been homeless, on drugs, unruly at times, but one thing our parents did teach us, was you dont steal.. you dont lie.. and you dont cheat people..
of course they brought up the whole drug stuff too..but I obviously didnt listen to that!!
We have all pretty much cleaned up and gotten our lives straight..
a few have OD'd and have gone onto whatever their next life was.
A few have stayed in the same lifestyle..
Either way.. it was fun.. it was some whacked memories..
maybe there will be more to come
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Nose Candy
Doing my memories today... Thursday... mainly because I will not be near a computer tomorrow as I have to drive up to Everett to pick up my new car!!! Yeah me!!!
I dont remember my first time snorting meth... I wish I could, I wish I could remember why I made that decision. Why I decided that it was ok to put that up my nose, into my brain, and allow it to flow thru my blood stream. But I honestly dont remember it at all!!
What I do remember are flash backs of times, places, events... and I remember that I was strung out on that crap for almost 5 yrs. How I survived, I have no effing clue.. but I like to think that the higher powers that be had some kind of hand in it.
When I was 19 I was dating the father of my son ( our son wasnt even a twinkle in my eye yet)... we were living in a house in downtown Oly, w/2 other couples. All of us were heavy users... my ex was growing plants in our bedroom closet.. one of our roommates was a pot dealer..the other roommates were just users.. users of people and of their supply... Dumbass (the ex) only had 2 plants growing, (personal consumption he always told me) Pretty Dumb (the dealer) was something.. not sure how to really explain her, but she was something.. this women was older, in her 40's, looked like she was in her 60's... and she had a son who was around my age, who was always in trouble w/the law.
One afternoon, Pretty Dumb's son - Even Dumber showed up.. we all started hanging, snorting, smoking and just having a typical Saturday afternoon.. when Pretty Dumb and her even dumber son get into a huge ass fight.. things were being thrown around the house, slaps were being exchanged.. the neighbors called the police.
Knock at the door.. and everyone.. took off in different directions. Pretty Dumb locks herself in her bedroom, Even Dumber (her son) decides to hide up in the attic, Dumbass (the ex) try's to hide in the bathroom shower... the Users (other roommates) werent home.. so.. Here I go.. and answer the door..
4 OPD's standing at my door.. me being stupid.. open up the door and let them in.. come on in boys'!!!!
I sit down on the couch in the back rec room.. Im so freaking high I dont know who's where, who's who, or who I am.. the mirror is under the couch cushion (the one we did our lines on) the meth is in my pocket.. there are plants growing in my closet.. Im thinking to myself.. what's this all about.. why are they here.. please leave.. I have things to do...
they found Pretty Dumb, locked in her bedroom.. she made it look like she had been in bed sleeping.. They found dumbass in the shower... he did get smart and take off his clothes and turn on the shower.. but the stupid ass forgot to take off his socks..
They open up my closet doors.. and there are those wee little plants.. and halogen lights, and thermometers, and potting soil, and plant food, and buckets of water.. and the officer ask's me what they are.. I look at Dumbass and tell him to deal with it, and you know what he tells' the cops..
"there tomatos officer"
"tomatos? "
"yes sir, tomato's"
"I dont believe you boy, looks like Marijuana to me, you wanna fess up now"
"no sir, I swear.. that there is tomotos"
"well..Im gonna give you a break.. I will be back tomorrow morning.. you have tonight to clean this whole mess up, and put your clothes back in this closet.. and get rid of everything illegal in this house"
And the officers walked out of the house...
We cleaned up everything that night..
The officers never came back that morning..
But there sure were alot more cops in the neighborhood
They never found Even Dumber
Dumbass and I moved out 2 weeks later
We tried to clean our act's up.. but didnt work so much.. it got to the point where Dumbass and I couldnt even stand to be together.. we continued to live together, but we werent together.. he was semi-clean.. he had gotten off of the meth/acid.. still smoking pot
I on the other hand, couldnt let go of the meth..
I wish I could remember why I decided so many years ago, why I made the decision to snort that line. What I do remember is it all started with Ricky..
Ricky.. I really need to tell you about him.. but I dont know where to start..
I need to figure out where and when I met him.. how I met him..
and how he and I ended up being a part of each other's lives for so long...
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I miss those old days.. once in awhile I get the craving for things that I KNOW I should not have. I guess that's the user in me.. the inner demon that still posses me. No matter how many times it try's to claw it's way out, I will NEVER return to that life style. I look at them now and think to myself how could I have allowed myself to be drugged into such a life? And yet, I did.. and yet, I still crave that excitment, that caos, that total loss of control. Somedays it's just a step away from going there... but.. every day I get stronger..
Ive been clean and sober off of drugs for 14 years... if someone was to put a line down in front of me.. I dont honestly know how I would react.. I know I should walk away... but it's the temptation.. it's the memories that flow thru me.. it's the what if's that I live with..
Im pretty positive tho, I would say NO..
Peace!!!
I dont remember my first time snorting meth... I wish I could, I wish I could remember why I made that decision. Why I decided that it was ok to put that up my nose, into my brain, and allow it to flow thru my blood stream. But I honestly dont remember it at all!!
What I do remember are flash backs of times, places, events... and I remember that I was strung out on that crap for almost 5 yrs. How I survived, I have no effing clue.. but I like to think that the higher powers that be had some kind of hand in it.
When I was 19 I was dating the father of my son ( our son wasnt even a twinkle in my eye yet)... we were living in a house in downtown Oly, w/2 other couples. All of us were heavy users... my ex was growing plants in our bedroom closet.. one of our roommates was a pot dealer..the other roommates were just users.. users of people and of their supply... Dumbass (the ex) only had 2 plants growing, (personal consumption he always told me) Pretty Dumb (the dealer) was something.. not sure how to really explain her, but she was something.. this women was older, in her 40's, looked like she was in her 60's... and she had a son who was around my age, who was always in trouble w/the law.
One afternoon, Pretty Dumb's son - Even Dumber showed up.. we all started hanging, snorting, smoking and just having a typical Saturday afternoon.. when Pretty Dumb and her even dumber son get into a huge ass fight.. things were being thrown around the house, slaps were being exchanged.. the neighbors called the police.
Knock at the door.. and everyone.. took off in different directions. Pretty Dumb locks herself in her bedroom, Even Dumber (her son) decides to hide up in the attic, Dumbass (the ex) try's to hide in the bathroom shower... the Users (other roommates) werent home.. so.. Here I go.. and answer the door..
4 OPD's standing at my door.. me being stupid.. open up the door and let them in.. come on in boys'!!!!
I sit down on the couch in the back rec room.. Im so freaking high I dont know who's where, who's who, or who I am.. the mirror is under the couch cushion (the one we did our lines on) the meth is in my pocket.. there are plants growing in my closet.. Im thinking to myself.. what's this all about.. why are they here.. please leave.. I have things to do...
they found Pretty Dumb, locked in her bedroom.. she made it look like she had been in bed sleeping.. They found dumbass in the shower... he did get smart and take off his clothes and turn on the shower.. but the stupid ass forgot to take off his socks..
They open up my closet doors.. and there are those wee little plants.. and halogen lights, and thermometers, and potting soil, and plant food, and buckets of water.. and the officer ask's me what they are.. I look at Dumbass and tell him to deal with it, and you know what he tells' the cops..
"there tomatos officer"
"tomatos? "
"yes sir, tomato's"
"I dont believe you boy, looks like Marijuana to me, you wanna fess up now"
"no sir, I swear.. that there is tomotos"
"well..Im gonna give you a break.. I will be back tomorrow morning.. you have tonight to clean this whole mess up, and put your clothes back in this closet.. and get rid of everything illegal in this house"
And the officers walked out of the house...
We cleaned up everything that night..
The officers never came back that morning..
But there sure were alot more cops in the neighborhood
They never found Even Dumber
Dumbass and I moved out 2 weeks later
We tried to clean our act's up.. but didnt work so much.. it got to the point where Dumbass and I couldnt even stand to be together.. we continued to live together, but we werent together.. he was semi-clean.. he had gotten off of the meth/acid.. still smoking pot
I on the other hand, couldnt let go of the meth..
I wish I could remember why I decided so many years ago, why I made the decision to snort that line. What I do remember is it all started with Ricky..
Ricky.. I really need to tell you about him.. but I dont know where to start..
I need to figure out where and when I met him.. how I met him..
and how he and I ended up being a part of each other's lives for so long...
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I miss those old days.. once in awhile I get the craving for things that I KNOW I should not have. I guess that's the user in me.. the inner demon that still posses me. No matter how many times it try's to claw it's way out, I will NEVER return to that life style. I look at them now and think to myself how could I have allowed myself to be drugged into such a life? And yet, I did.. and yet, I still crave that excitment, that caos, that total loss of control. Somedays it's just a step away from going there... but.. every day I get stronger..
Ive been clean and sober off of drugs for 14 years... if someone was to put a line down in front of me.. I dont honestly know how I would react.. I know I should walk away... but it's the temptation.. it's the memories that flow thru me.. it's the what if's that I live with..
Im pretty positive tho, I would say NO..
Peace!!!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Oh Ricky you WERE so fine...
ok... lets see how much you remember...
I dated Jim for about 3 yrs...during those 3 yrs, we took a number of "breaks" from each other...
during one of those breaks, the longest one he and I had.. I was dating Rick....
I was 16.. he was 14 (OMG... Im a cradle robber)
Ricky, was one of those guys, that got up under my skin and found another spot in my otherwise cold heart. He and I dated for aprox 8 months (which I was dating others too when he wasnt around) He lived in a boys home in another town and recieved weekend passes twice a month. Those weekends were full of some magical evenings.
Ricky was one of 8 kids, all of which had been removed from the home for some reason or another. His family was and still is one of the most fucked up, dysfunctional families I have EVER met. 8 children and I dont think his mother knew who half the fathers were of her kids!
Any how.. Ricky and I would have some of the most outreageous weekends when he would visit.
Between the drugs, the partying, the sex it was out of control. It's like we were on a journey together to see how fucked up each of us could get. Trying to out do the other the only way we knew how.
For Instance:
There were a group of us living in an apt. This apartment complex was one huge drug infested, run down, party all the time sess pool. Some of the lowest dregs of society resided here, and of course, this is where I laid my head down at night on a borrowed pillow.
My friend S was dating Ricky's brother J. J showed up w/a quart sized baggy of "shrooms" which I had not done up until that time. So what the hell, I was already drunk I grabbed a handful and downed them. Little did I realize, I was in for a 3 day ride!!!
That was one of my longest, eventful trips in my drug history days.
Sitting in some chick's apartment, I remember taking off my jewelry because I felt as if my skin was crawling, I laid it on the floor next to me, got up went to the bathroom, came back and all my jewelry was gone. My watch, my gold rose ring that my mother had given me for my 16th birthday, my emerald ring that was my Grandmothers... Gone.. gone.. gone..
I looked everywhere, I pow-wowed w/the others looking for it.. I cried, I thought my head & heart was going to burst out of me. I got depressed.. those two rings ment more to me than any other posession that I had and I had lost them.
I remember walking out of that bitches apartment, and thinking to myself that the owner of the apt. had a look on her face that didnt sit well with me. I marched back into her place grabbed her, swung her around slammed her up a against a wall, and looked at her hand. Guess what that bitch had on her hands? My rings, and my watch around her wrist. I made her give my rings back, take off my watch. I put them in my pocket, and then.. I remember beating the living hell out of that bitch. Now... beating a chick or anyone when your so raged, and strung the fuck out.. not a good thing. I think I broke her nose :( But hey.. the cops never did show up!!! :) not this time anyway....
I went back up to the apt I was squatting in.. Me S/J and Ricky... we were tripping out on Christmas lights, because I think it was around that time of year. When all the sudden, Ricky grabs my hand, tells me he loves me, but.. he cant live on this world anymore.. so he's gonna go jump off the bridge. My rage had already left.. I was starting to find a peaceful inner being.. I never reacted.. all 3 of us, sat looked at Ricky and said.. "ok"
Ricky walked out the door, and didnt return.
We all sat there, sadly it never phased us, none of us reacted, we carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. Until, I would say 2 or so hours later, I looked up at S and asked where Ricky was........ the silence.. I remember that silence.. when J finally spoke and said that he went to jump off the bridge.
We jumped up, ran down the road to the bridge, crawled down under there looking for a body, I remember crying, and then the rage again.. Thank God we never found a body.. but as I was crawling back up the embankment, I look across the street of the bridge, where an Arco Station sat, and there sitting on top of a picnic table to the side of the Arco Station was my Ricky.
He had been waiting for us, and watching us. I ran across the street, right up to him, and slapped him across the face, then threw myself on him and yelled at him to never do that again.
He replied, he did it because he wanted to see how much I cared about him. He was about to jump off the bridge, because it had taken me so long to come locate him.
Wow.. Im not sure if any of that made sense, that memory is still really foggy in my head. I was in a mushroom induced state for almost 3 days. That same weekend, I got hauled off to juvi, for beating up some ass hole that lived in the apt I was squatting in. He was 22, sleeping w/a 13 yr old, and so.. I beat his ass.. he ran out of the apt to the pay phone and called the cops on me.. LOL. I found that so fucking hilarious, cuz he got hauled in for statutory rape.. I got hauled in for beatting up a 22 yr old punk ass mother fucker!!! He got more time than I did.. I got 6 days.. I think he got 3 yrs.. because it wasnt his first offense.
It's weird how the memory block's certain memories, some nights I dream of things that happened in the past, then when I awake I dont remember if they were real or not.
Some things I just write.. w/out really thinking about them...
They are just flashes of memory that come and go.. and I have to get them down as I remember them..
Thanks for reading..
I dated Jim for about 3 yrs...during those 3 yrs, we took a number of "breaks" from each other...
during one of those breaks, the longest one he and I had.. I was dating Rick....
I was 16.. he was 14 (OMG... Im a cradle robber)
Ricky, was one of those guys, that got up under my skin and found another spot in my otherwise cold heart. He and I dated for aprox 8 months (which I was dating others too when he wasnt around) He lived in a boys home in another town and recieved weekend passes twice a month. Those weekends were full of some magical evenings.
Ricky was one of 8 kids, all of which had been removed from the home for some reason or another. His family was and still is one of the most fucked up, dysfunctional families I have EVER met. 8 children and I dont think his mother knew who half the fathers were of her kids!
Any how.. Ricky and I would have some of the most outreageous weekends when he would visit.
Between the drugs, the partying, the sex it was out of control. It's like we were on a journey together to see how fucked up each of us could get. Trying to out do the other the only way we knew how.
For Instance:
There were a group of us living in an apt. This apartment complex was one huge drug infested, run down, party all the time sess pool. Some of the lowest dregs of society resided here, and of course, this is where I laid my head down at night on a borrowed pillow.
My friend S was dating Ricky's brother J. J showed up w/a quart sized baggy of "shrooms" which I had not done up until that time. So what the hell, I was already drunk I grabbed a handful and downed them. Little did I realize, I was in for a 3 day ride!!!
That was one of my longest, eventful trips in my drug history days.
Sitting in some chick's apartment, I remember taking off my jewelry because I felt as if my skin was crawling, I laid it on the floor next to me, got up went to the bathroom, came back and all my jewelry was gone. My watch, my gold rose ring that my mother had given me for my 16th birthday, my emerald ring that was my Grandmothers... Gone.. gone.. gone..
I looked everywhere, I pow-wowed w/the others looking for it.. I cried, I thought my head & heart was going to burst out of me. I got depressed.. those two rings ment more to me than any other posession that I had and I had lost them.
I remember walking out of that bitches apartment, and thinking to myself that the owner of the apt. had a look on her face that didnt sit well with me. I marched back into her place grabbed her, swung her around slammed her up a against a wall, and looked at her hand. Guess what that bitch had on her hands? My rings, and my watch around her wrist. I made her give my rings back, take off my watch. I put them in my pocket, and then.. I remember beating the living hell out of that bitch. Now... beating a chick or anyone when your so raged, and strung the fuck out.. not a good thing. I think I broke her nose :( But hey.. the cops never did show up!!! :) not this time anyway....
I went back up to the apt I was squatting in.. Me S/J and Ricky... we were tripping out on Christmas lights, because I think it was around that time of year. When all the sudden, Ricky grabs my hand, tells me he loves me, but.. he cant live on this world anymore.. so he's gonna go jump off the bridge. My rage had already left.. I was starting to find a peaceful inner being.. I never reacted.. all 3 of us, sat looked at Ricky and said.. "ok"
Ricky walked out the door, and didnt return.
We all sat there, sadly it never phased us, none of us reacted, we carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. Until, I would say 2 or so hours later, I looked up at S and asked where Ricky was........ the silence.. I remember that silence.. when J finally spoke and said that he went to jump off the bridge.
We jumped up, ran down the road to the bridge, crawled down under there looking for a body, I remember crying, and then the rage again.. Thank God we never found a body.. but as I was crawling back up the embankment, I look across the street of the bridge, where an Arco Station sat, and there sitting on top of a picnic table to the side of the Arco Station was my Ricky.
He had been waiting for us, and watching us. I ran across the street, right up to him, and slapped him across the face, then threw myself on him and yelled at him to never do that again.
He replied, he did it because he wanted to see how much I cared about him. He was about to jump off the bridge, because it had taken me so long to come locate him.
Wow.. Im not sure if any of that made sense, that memory is still really foggy in my head. I was in a mushroom induced state for almost 3 days. That same weekend, I got hauled off to juvi, for beating up some ass hole that lived in the apt I was squatting in. He was 22, sleeping w/a 13 yr old, and so.. I beat his ass.. he ran out of the apt to the pay phone and called the cops on me.. LOL. I found that so fucking hilarious, cuz he got hauled in for statutory rape.. I got hauled in for beatting up a 22 yr old punk ass mother fucker!!! He got more time than I did.. I got 6 days.. I think he got 3 yrs.. because it wasnt his first offense.
It's weird how the memory block's certain memories, some nights I dream of things that happened in the past, then when I awake I dont remember if they were real or not.
Some things I just write.. w/out really thinking about them...
They are just flashes of memory that come and go.. and I have to get them down as I remember them..
Thanks for reading..
Monday, February 26, 2007
Big Dogs!!!
Here are pics of the big dogs..
Just random pictures..
Easter 03.. Tink wasnt happy to have to wear the bunnie ears
Pepper & Bailey..
They normally dont sit still...this was a hell of a shot to get..
Bailey (the one sitting up) she's our short bus rider..
She's not show worth cuz her mouth isnt porportioned correctly
But.. she' marches to the beat of her own drum
Pepper did some showing.. but.. she's small for an English Mastiff
so now she's a stay at home puppers
Here's the boy..
Aint he gorgeous???!!!
Gunnar.. he's a horny bastard!!!
This is Tink..
She's Gunnars Mom.. and an International Champion..
She's beautiful!!!
Here's the boy again.. He's just over 2 now..
weighs about 180-200 (depending on if there's a girl in heat)
he's not done growing yet, he will get wider.. should top out around 220
Just random pictures..
Easter 03.. Tink wasnt happy to have to wear the bunnie ears
Pepper & Bailey..
They normally dont sit still...this was a hell of a shot to get..
Bailey (the one sitting up) she's our short bus rider..
She's not show worth cuz her mouth isnt porportioned correctly
But.. she' marches to the beat of her own drum
Pepper did some showing.. but.. she's small for an English Mastiff
so now she's a stay at home puppers
Here's the boy..Aint he gorgeous???!!!
Gunnar.. he's a horny bastard!!!
This is Tink..
She's Gunnars Mom.. and an International Champion..
She's beautiful!!!
Here's the boy again.. He's just over 2 now..
weighs about 180-200 (depending on if there's a girl in heat)
he's not done growing yet, he will get wider.. should top out around 220
Monday Memories
Since I was overwhelmed w/work on Friday I wasnt able to post.
And since my weekend was overwhelming I wasnt able to post.
This post is a tad graphic.... Im not proud.. but.. it's the truth..why lie!?
Monday work load is overwhelming.. but screw it.. Im gonna post!!!
As ya'll know, I was quit the fucked up teenager! Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll..
it's what I did.. it's how I lived my life.. it's who I was.
When I was 15, I was dating a guy named Scott... well actually..at the time I was dating a few guys.. there was Scott, and then there was another Scott.. and there was Rick.
yes.. I was a slut.. I slept w/them all...We would drink... we would fuck.. we would pass out. ( I didnt do them all at the same time, Im not that much of a slut)
Then... I got pregnant...I had no idea who the father was, and I told each of them that I was, and that there were 2 other guys in the running for Daddy hood... .. Scott the 1st... wanted it to be his so badly!!! He had our lives planned out,
Scott the 2nd... freaked out, and ran away...
and Rick, did a little of both... he freaked out, how was he going to raise a child, he was living in a boys home, and had no home of his own. But, after the first few weeks of shock, he came around and decided it would be "cool" to have a kid. HA!!!
I was 15 for gawds sake, what in the hell did I know about being a Mother?
I was living on the streets, I was strung out, I had no job, I had no home I had nothing!!!
I like to believe that God intervened. Because, I was about 9 weeks along.. when I started cramping & bleeding. I called my Father, whom I hadnt seen or spoken to in weeks.. maybe months.. explained to him what was going on (he knew I was pregnant because my Dr had called him and told him even tho she wasnt suppose to, but she did, because even tho I was a lost fucked up teen, my Dad still loved me and would check up on me the best way he knew how)
My Dad called the paramedics and met me at the hospital.
I miscarried... and found out along the way that I had other dark, nasty issues that Im so embarrassed about that I cant even write about them. Needless to say, I was in the hospital for 4 days. Then was informed that there was such severe damage to my uterus & fellopian tubes that it was extremely unlikely that I would ever have children.
At 15, being told your never going to have children, really isnt all that earth shattering.
During those 9 weeks, I had started to get used to the idea of having a small wee one to care for.
I was starting to love what was not ment to be.
I wont say I was devestated.. I will say I was saddened.
But, in the long run, I look back and think to myself that God did intervene (or whatever higher power that exists) understood that I wasnt ready, my body wasnt ready, my mind wasnt ready.
I was in NO shape to care for another life. I couldnt even take care of myself, how was I suppose to care for another life?
Scott the 1st.. was so disappointed about the miscarriage, he tried to talk me into trying it again and having a child...
Rick.... oh my Rick... that's a whole different post.. in fact.. that will be Friday's post :)
I went home for a breif period of time after my hospital stay.. But I shortly returned to my wayward life.
I thank those higher powers that be, that I did finally get pregnant and carry to full term twice. Luckily it came later in life, I dont believe anyone is truly ready to bring a life into the world. No matter how ready you truly are, you are not prepared for anything.
My first child's birth was a nightmare.. for me, I know there are those out there that sadly had much worse births. Anytime a parent has to watch & wonder if their baby is going to live thru the night is a nightmare. My son was in the NICU unit until he was just pass 3 weeks old. But, Im happy to report he's 13 now, alive and kicking, and getting older and draggin me w/him!!!
My second pregnancy... she was happy and healthy..even tho the little bugger tried to come out at 28 weeks!!! So bed rest for me.. but.. she's 10 now.. who thinks shes 25 and knows EVERYTHING!!!!
Anyhow...
I thank those higher powers that be, for not allowing me to carry to term when I was 15. Someone or something was looking down on me and realized that that baby wasnt ment for me.. maybe the forces took that babies soul and put it into another mother who was ready to care & love a child. ( I know kind of a weird thought process)
So.. anyhow.. yeah.. that's all I got.. I thought about it over the weekend.. and realized that It would of been the end of Feb that that child would of been born.
Ok.. that's it..
Peace
And since my weekend was overwhelming I wasnt able to post.
This post is a tad graphic.... Im not proud.. but.. it's the truth..why lie!?
Monday work load is overwhelming.. but screw it.. Im gonna post!!!
As ya'll know, I was quit the fucked up teenager! Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll..
it's what I did.. it's how I lived my life.. it's who I was.
When I was 15, I was dating a guy named Scott... well actually..at the time I was dating a few guys.. there was Scott, and then there was another Scott.. and there was Rick.
yes.. I was a slut.. I slept w/them all...We would drink... we would fuck.. we would pass out. ( I didnt do them all at the same time, Im not that much of a slut)
Then... I got pregnant...I had no idea who the father was, and I told each of them that I was, and that there were 2 other guys in the running for Daddy hood... .. Scott the 1st... wanted it to be his so badly!!! He had our lives planned out,
Scott the 2nd... freaked out, and ran away...
and Rick, did a little of both... he freaked out, how was he going to raise a child, he was living in a boys home, and had no home of his own. But, after the first few weeks of shock, he came around and decided it would be "cool" to have a kid. HA!!!
I was 15 for gawds sake, what in the hell did I know about being a Mother?
I was living on the streets, I was strung out, I had no job, I had no home I had nothing!!!
I like to believe that God intervened. Because, I was about 9 weeks along.. when I started cramping & bleeding. I called my Father, whom I hadnt seen or spoken to in weeks.. maybe months.. explained to him what was going on (he knew I was pregnant because my Dr had called him and told him even tho she wasnt suppose to, but she did, because even tho I was a lost fucked up teen, my Dad still loved me and would check up on me the best way he knew how)
My Dad called the paramedics and met me at the hospital.
I miscarried... and found out along the way that I had other dark, nasty issues that Im so embarrassed about that I cant even write about them. Needless to say, I was in the hospital for 4 days. Then was informed that there was such severe damage to my uterus & fellopian tubes that it was extremely unlikely that I would ever have children.
At 15, being told your never going to have children, really isnt all that earth shattering.
During those 9 weeks, I had started to get used to the idea of having a small wee one to care for.
I was starting to love what was not ment to be.
I wont say I was devestated.. I will say I was saddened.
But, in the long run, I look back and think to myself that God did intervene (or whatever higher power that exists) understood that I wasnt ready, my body wasnt ready, my mind wasnt ready.
I was in NO shape to care for another life. I couldnt even take care of myself, how was I suppose to care for another life?
Scott the 1st.. was so disappointed about the miscarriage, he tried to talk me into trying it again and having a child...
Rick.... oh my Rick... that's a whole different post.. in fact.. that will be Friday's post :)
I went home for a breif period of time after my hospital stay.. But I shortly returned to my wayward life.
I thank those higher powers that be, that I did finally get pregnant and carry to full term twice. Luckily it came later in life, I dont believe anyone is truly ready to bring a life into the world. No matter how ready you truly are, you are not prepared for anything.
My first child's birth was a nightmare.. for me, I know there are those out there that sadly had much worse births. Anytime a parent has to watch & wonder if their baby is going to live thru the night is a nightmare. My son was in the NICU unit until he was just pass 3 weeks old. But, Im happy to report he's 13 now, alive and kicking, and getting older and draggin me w/him!!!
My second pregnancy... she was happy and healthy..even tho the little bugger tried to come out at 28 weeks!!! So bed rest for me.. but.. she's 10 now.. who thinks shes 25 and knows EVERYTHING!!!!
Anyhow...
I thank those higher powers that be, for not allowing me to carry to term when I was 15. Someone or something was looking down on me and realized that that baby wasnt ment for me.. maybe the forces took that babies soul and put it into another mother who was ready to care & love a child. ( I know kind of a weird thought process)
So.. anyhow.. yeah.. that's all I got.. I thought about it over the weekend.. and realized that It would of been the end of Feb that that child would of been born.
Ok.. that's it..
Peace
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Dog Days
Sorry, it's been awhile since I last posted..
nothing has been happening.. sad really...
but that's the truth.. I have no life..
I have a dog.. actually there are 6 total dogs..
Breed & show & raise English Mastiff's
but.. there's a 6th one.. a little black mut that my daugther rescued from an old neighbor because he was abusing it..
This little black flea (as she jumps so high up) that has captured my heart.. even tho she makes me sooooo mad!!!
A little back ground..
My daugher.. bless her wee little heart.. saw this little black puppy running up and down our street.. new it was the asshat neighbors (thanks Ozfeeme love that word) so she went to tell the neighbor his beloved puppy was out running the streets.. and he promptly told my daughter, who was 9 at the time, that he hoped the "Damn dog would get hit by a car"
NIIIIIICE!! ASSHAT!!!
Now.. mind you.. she is my daughter, and since Mommy dearest speaks her mind w/out a care in the world.. so does the daughter.. who prompltly told neighbor, he was a big mean jerk, and she was taking the puppy home to love and care for it, and she hope he got hit by a car instead!!!
In comes my wee little love, w/a wiggly puppy.. Promptly informs me that the neighbor is a big mean jerk.. and says " Mom.. we CANT give the dog back.. he will kill it!!!"
Oh lordy!! so.. enters this weeee little black dog into our big dog world!
Well... moving forward, after words w/the neighbor (thank gawd we were in the process of moving) and $300 worth of Vet bills cuz this wee little puppy whom I thought was maybe 2 months old..turned out to be almost 7 months old, had not been the vet and therefore needed shots, and worming, and fixed and and and.. that asshat said I owed him $90 cuz that's what he paid for. So I promptly handed him the Vet bill and told him that as soon as he paid me the amount of the Vet bill he could have the dog back (no... I would not of given the dog back)
He said we were even.. Your damn right Spidey!!! Were even.. Asshat!!!!
Moving forward... this dog.. is a flea.. did I mention that.. she jumps over the back of the couch, she jumps over the backs of the big dogs, she chases the big dogs, she jumps up the side of the sliding glass door.. and touches the top.. she's a damn flea!!! And she has found a permanent spot in my cold ass heart!!! Damn Flea Dog!!!
I bought new shoes.. they were the cutest pair of black pumps.. I hadnt gotten to wear them..
I left them on the floor in the bedroom.. I put the little black flea in there. cuz she cant be out when the big dogs are eating.. cuz well.. that's just bad!!!
I left them on the floor in the bedroom.. I put the little black flea in there. cuz she cant be out when the big dogs are eating.. cuz well.. that's just bad!!!
I guess she was hungry.. SHE ATE MY BRAND NEW BLACK PUMPS!!!!
I guess she was hungry?
But.. her food was w/her.. my new black pumps must of looked more appetizing!
Damn Flea Dog!!!
She wouldnt sit still long enough for me to get her pic..But.. here ya go.. my daughter and here were playing in the motor home.. why I dont know.. they love to play in there..
Weird kid.. and Damn Little Flea Dog!!
We named her.. Mercy May May..
dont ask me why!!!!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Oh Memories!!!
I have so many memories running through my head this morning, getting preparation of today's post. As I stood in the shower this morning thinking about days gone by, I made the decision (in a lack of caffeine induced state) to start at the beginning. Well.. today anyway, I reserve the right to change my mind. Cuz, well I can!!!!
So.. sit down, and grab a cup of coffee/tea/vodka.. whatever your little heart desires, and lets take a stroll down my memory lane.
1982 - I was 10, and thought my life was pretty secure and set in it's ways. My Mother was a god fearing, church going fanatic. I'm not talking your basic run of the mill church, I'm talking, no birthdays, no Christmas, no Easter, no Holidays. No NOTHING. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Complete with door shacking, week long gatherings, "meetings" 3x a week. I was only allowed to consort w/other JW children. I wasn't allowed to watch the smurfs, as mom said they were little blue devils (???????) I wasn't allowed to say the pledge of allegiance in school, I wasn't allowed to participate in any of the reindeer games... sorry.. had a Rudolph moment :) seriously tho, if we had a Valentines party at school, I had to go sit in the office, or Easter party, Christmas party.. whatever.. I was the only JW in the school.. which in turn, made me the FREAK!!!
My father was not a JW... he was as rough as they came, from my little girl eyes. A biker, who had some seedy friends. How my mother and him ever made it 22 yrs in marriage I will never understand, they were as opposite as night & day. I vaguely remember my dad in those early years. I knew that there was a man living in our house, who didn't have much to do with us kids, because my mom had us so brain washed. Whenever he would attempt to intervene, dear ol' Mom would step in and take charge. My brothers state that they remember alot more of dad than I do. Maybe it was because he was closer to the boys because Mom didn't become a JW until right after I was born, so my two older brothers had a relationship w/dad prior to the JW world kicking in. That, and the fact I was a girl, he had NO clue what to do with a little girl.
Dad lost his job due to down sizing w/in his company, so he took a new job, and our family decided to make a move to Aztec, New Mexico. Now, let me set a picture for you. I moved from a small city with local bus routes, walking to school, movie theaters, the hustle and bustle of city life. To a one horse town, 30 miles from the nearest mall (not that I did the mall scene often I was only 10) We moved to a house in the middle of absolutely no where, off of Old Route 99, it was a 45 min yellow limo ride to school. The sign into town said something like "Welcome to Aztec, population 600 and 6 grumpy old men" I met one of those grumpy old men, he made me cry when I was 11 from door shaking.. yeah.. what a culture shock.
My parent's marriage slowly deteriorated once we moved to Aztec, my parents arguments started getting worse and worse, and my father started drinking more and more and more, and staying out later and later and later. Mom started relying on her faith more and more and more, my brothers started becoming more resistant on going to "meetings", and if my memory serves me right, dad finally stepped in and said enough was enough, mom could take me, but the boys were allowed to live there own life's!
My oldest brother got married at 18, had his first kid at 19, second at 21.. and that's a whole different story. My other brother.. I'm not really sure what he did during those 3 yrs of living in Aztec, he was my nemesis.. and he and I didn't have alot to do w/each other.
Jump forward to when I turned 12, Dad decided he was going to have something to do with me, and since dad was an avid hunter, he decided that it was time for me to learn the rules of gun safety and to kill my first deer. I was so excited!!! I was finally going to spend time with my father, who by this time was a shadow in my life. I went thru gun safety class, passed it w/flying colors ( I could out shoot any of the guys in the class) and my first hunting trip w/my dad and my brothers and 2 other friends of my father came all to quickly... my life changed forever on that trip.
We setup camp, we ate, dad started drinking, the guys all decided to play a card game called bullshit. I got to play too.. but the one rule, was.. I actually had to say bull shit!!! me.. the good little JW girl, got to swear.. I remember I was so embarrassed. I thought that the heavens above would open up and a lightening bolt would come down and kill me on the spot. But it never happened. Towards the end of the game, I was yelling bullshit.. BULLSHIT!!!! and I think I even copped a little buzz... because I kept taking swigs off my dad's beer when he wasn't looking. AAAHHHH... my wayward days started early!!!
The next morning, we got up early and went tracking. Didn't see much, but that fateful day will be etched in my memory banks forever. The boys went in one direction, dad's friends in the other, and my father and I, were alone... Together.. just he and I. Finally, after 12 yrs on this earth, it was just me and my Daddy. What else could a girl ask for, but time with her Dad.
We tracked, we walked, we waited. We saw deer, moose, birds.. but nothing worthy of me showing to my dad that I could shoot Bambie.
What I remember most tho... is walking down that old logging road, with a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. The sun just rising over the valley, birds waking up, the grass still dewy from the fog. My father looking at me, and saying. "Barney.. your mother and I have decided we are going to separate. We no longer love each other and our lives are going in different directions, I'm moving back to Washington w/your brother B and you and your mom will follow later. But, her and I will be getting a divorce, I felt it was my responsibility to tell you"
I stopped in the middle of that road, and just stood there staring at my father.. seeing the sun rise behind him. Me, 12 yrs old, in my flannel shirt, hiking boots, a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. Thinking to myself............................................................................................................
It's about damn time!!!!
He asked what I thought, if I had any questions..
I looked at my father and told him... Good.. you two are not meant for each other.
Little did I realize that day sealed my fate. It opened up a whole new world for me. As the coming years would bring new friends, bad friends, new & bad experiences into my life.
Little did I realize it was an awakening for me. For me to spread my wings, step out from underneath my Mother's faith and to learn who I truly was.
Little did I realize, that fateful day would turn me into a drug addict!
So.. sit down, and grab a cup of coffee/tea/vodka.. whatever your little heart desires, and lets take a stroll down my memory lane.
1982 - I was 10, and thought my life was pretty secure and set in it's ways. My Mother was a god fearing, church going fanatic. I'm not talking your basic run of the mill church, I'm talking, no birthdays, no Christmas, no Easter, no Holidays. No NOTHING. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Complete with door shacking, week long gatherings, "meetings" 3x a week. I was only allowed to consort w/other JW children. I wasn't allowed to watch the smurfs, as mom said they were little blue devils (???????) I wasn't allowed to say the pledge of allegiance in school, I wasn't allowed to participate in any of the reindeer games... sorry.. had a Rudolph moment :) seriously tho, if we had a Valentines party at school, I had to go sit in the office, or Easter party, Christmas party.. whatever.. I was the only JW in the school.. which in turn, made me the FREAK!!!
My father was not a JW... he was as rough as they came, from my little girl eyes. A biker, who had some seedy friends. How my mother and him ever made it 22 yrs in marriage I will never understand, they were as opposite as night & day. I vaguely remember my dad in those early years. I knew that there was a man living in our house, who didn't have much to do with us kids, because my mom had us so brain washed. Whenever he would attempt to intervene, dear ol' Mom would step in and take charge. My brothers state that they remember alot more of dad than I do. Maybe it was because he was closer to the boys because Mom didn't become a JW until right after I was born, so my two older brothers had a relationship w/dad prior to the JW world kicking in. That, and the fact I was a girl, he had NO clue what to do with a little girl.
Dad lost his job due to down sizing w/in his company, so he took a new job, and our family decided to make a move to Aztec, New Mexico. Now, let me set a picture for you. I moved from a small city with local bus routes, walking to school, movie theaters, the hustle and bustle of city life. To a one horse town, 30 miles from the nearest mall (not that I did the mall scene often I was only 10) We moved to a house in the middle of absolutely no where, off of Old Route 99, it was a 45 min yellow limo ride to school. The sign into town said something like "Welcome to Aztec, population 600 and 6 grumpy old men" I met one of those grumpy old men, he made me cry when I was 11 from door shaking.. yeah.. what a culture shock.
My parent's marriage slowly deteriorated once we moved to Aztec, my parents arguments started getting worse and worse, and my father started drinking more and more and more, and staying out later and later and later. Mom started relying on her faith more and more and more, my brothers started becoming more resistant on going to "meetings", and if my memory serves me right, dad finally stepped in and said enough was enough, mom could take me, but the boys were allowed to live there own life's!
My oldest brother got married at 18, had his first kid at 19, second at 21.. and that's a whole different story. My other brother.. I'm not really sure what he did during those 3 yrs of living in Aztec, he was my nemesis.. and he and I didn't have alot to do w/each other.
Jump forward to when I turned 12, Dad decided he was going to have something to do with me, and since dad was an avid hunter, he decided that it was time for me to learn the rules of gun safety and to kill my first deer. I was so excited!!! I was finally going to spend time with my father, who by this time was a shadow in my life. I went thru gun safety class, passed it w/flying colors ( I could out shoot any of the guys in the class) and my first hunting trip w/my dad and my brothers and 2 other friends of my father came all to quickly... my life changed forever on that trip.
We setup camp, we ate, dad started drinking, the guys all decided to play a card game called bullshit. I got to play too.. but the one rule, was.. I actually had to say bull shit!!! me.. the good little JW girl, got to swear.. I remember I was so embarrassed. I thought that the heavens above would open up and a lightening bolt would come down and kill me on the spot. But it never happened. Towards the end of the game, I was yelling bullshit.. BULLSHIT!!!! and I think I even copped a little buzz... because I kept taking swigs off my dad's beer when he wasn't looking. AAAHHHH... my wayward days started early!!!
The next morning, we got up early and went tracking. Didn't see much, but that fateful day will be etched in my memory banks forever. The boys went in one direction, dad's friends in the other, and my father and I, were alone... Together.. just he and I. Finally, after 12 yrs on this earth, it was just me and my Daddy. What else could a girl ask for, but time with her Dad.
We tracked, we walked, we waited. We saw deer, moose, birds.. but nothing worthy of me showing to my dad that I could shoot Bambie.
What I remember most tho... is walking down that old logging road, with a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. The sun just rising over the valley, birds waking up, the grass still dewy from the fog. My father looking at me, and saying. "Barney.. your mother and I have decided we are going to separate. We no longer love each other and our lives are going in different directions, I'm moving back to Washington w/your brother B and you and your mom will follow later. But, her and I will be getting a divorce, I felt it was my responsibility to tell you"
I stopped in the middle of that road, and just stood there staring at my father.. seeing the sun rise behind him. Me, 12 yrs old, in my flannel shirt, hiking boots, a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. Thinking to myself............................................................................................................
It's about damn time!!!!
He asked what I thought, if I had any questions..
I looked at my father and told him... Good.. you two are not meant for each other.
Little did I realize that day sealed my fate. It opened up a whole new world for me. As the coming years would bring new friends, bad friends, new & bad experiences into my life.
Little did I realize it was an awakening for me. For me to spread my wings, step out from underneath my Mother's faith and to learn who I truly was.
Little did I realize, that fateful day would turn me into a drug addict!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Friday Memories
Ive decided that every Friday I will re-live an old memory from my past.
Some may be entertaining, embarrassing.. or having you think..WTF????
So.. Here we go...
Many Many years ago.. I was a really wayward teen. I didn't know my ass from a whole in the ground.. and gawd forbid if any authority figure attempted to tell me what to do, how to do it, or where to do it.
When I was 16, I made a decision to drop out of school, and hit the streets, mind you, I had been on & off the streets since I was 13, but when I was 16, I decided I was done w/parental guidelines.
So.. bye bye to comfort, hello to sleeping in cars, missing meals, no showers, and dirty clothes. Why? All for a man. I say man, because he was 23... so..not mature himself, yet, 7 years older than I. Jim... he was my all back then, he gave me comfort when I felt I wasn't getting it from home, along w/a lifestyle that I thought I wanted to be a part of.
Jim was my everything back in those days... what ever he said to do.. is what I did. So... one sunny summery day, he and I.. S & J.. decided.. to head to Eastern WA... and live like nomads, and just be.. we had an old beater car (how that P.O.S. made it over the pass..I have no clue)
So..off we went, landed in Richland, and decided to live outta the car on the Columbia River.
Oh.. it was gorgeous, warm weather, freedom.. oh the smell of freedom!!
Little did I realize, what was to come next... ownership... oh.. the acid smell of ownership. Jim decided, he owned me.. he decided that I was his.. he was my master. I was to do what he said, when he said, how many times he said to do..whatever it was he wanted me to do.
He never laid a hand on me, he never said a cross word to me, at least, not in the beginning, he always told me I was his everything, I was his all. He would tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. However, if I was to talk to another male, things would turn ugly. What little personal possesions I had with me, would be ripped apart and destroyed. How those times broke my heart, and tear me apart. I never realized what he was doing to me, emotional abuse is the rawest. Little did I realize, he was ripping me apart from my past, so that I would forget my family that I walked away from. So that he would become my world. Little by little.. he did become my world..
Dont get me wrong, I had some great times on those river banks...S & I would drink, and dance, drink and dance. We promised each other we would always be there for each other, no matter what would happen, our friendship would last the test of time... thank the lucky stars above, our friendship has lasted, and to this day (20+yrs later we are still very close)
We met many a cool people that summer, S & I gave each other homemade tattoo's w/needles, thread, and indian ink.. we smoked to much weed.. and drank to much Nighttrain. We laughed under the pale moon light. Crazy things, we should of been children of the 60's..but... we were children of the late 80's! Jamming out to Def Leppard, Poison, Skid Row, Metallica, and whatever else our portable stereo would play for us.
Finally, I think reality started to set in w/all of us. Jim started getting mean, cross words were starting to be said. The occasional slap, to keep me in line, to show me he cared was his reasoning, and that I needed to pay attention. Then, the night came.. when finally I decided it was time to go home
But.. I never made it home, I ended up.... in Los Angeles California...
To this day, Im unsure of what he gave me to keep me asleep all that time, I remember bit's & pieces of the road trip..but not much, he wanted me to myself.. w/no one else around.
So.. he stole a car, put me into it, w/the help of another guy he met along the way. And off we went.. into the wild blue wonder.
Los Angeles... WOW!!!!
He left me alone in a hotel room.. where he got money for that.. no idea..
I had an Aunt & Uncle who lived in LA.. I called.. they picked me up.. Thank you..
they saved me.. for a brief period of time.. they saved me.
I bounced around Cali.. LA... to Torrence.. to San Fran.. Hayward.. Castro Valley..
finally home.. back to WA.. where my friends and family were..
Back to those, that loved me.. back into the arms of love.
I found salvation, in Community Youth Service (another post.. )
then.. 6 months after being home, and finding myself..
I look up from my table, and who do I see?
Jim..
he's back.. I was told later, I went white, I stopped breathing, started shaking
and then passed out.. right in the middle of the yogurt shop. Cold as could be..
Gone!!! took them forever to revive me Im told.
I steared clear of Jim as much as possible, but word was out, he was looking for me.
Word was out he was a man on a mission, and that he was telling everyone he would find me
and I would be his again. That things were different, his family straightened him out (as they lived in San Diego) and that he was a new man, a better man.. and he wanted to prove it.
Seriously, at 16.. what do you believe? Who do you believe? What do you choose? Who do you choose?
I made a choice, right or wrong.. I made a choice.. finally I agreed to see him, and listen to what he had to say. The man I fell in love with once upon a time, stood in front of me, his crop of curly brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, looking at me once again.. like I was his world.. his all.. his everything... and I fell in love all over again!!!
I was off the drugs, he was off the drugs.. ahhh... but.. we still drank(some habits are hard to break..LOL).. but.. it was so much different this time.. we were fun again.. no bad words, no hits, no nothing..
everything was good.. we dated for 2 more yrs (so much happened in those 2 yrs).. then when I turned 19.. I decided.. it was time to get a life.. a home.. and he decided... he wanted to go back to drinking & druggin..
And I moved on.. turned my life around.. got off the drugs completly.. and cleaned myself up.
Ran into Jim from time to time, and everytime I did, it would break my heart a little bit each time. To see how he was deteriorating. But to see that face, his eyes, his hair, and that smile, always warmed a small piece of my heart.
He finally did one to many drugs, and OD' in 2000. When he passed, a piece of me passed with him. Because regardless for all that he and I went thru, he had a huge part to do with a piece of my life. A piece of my history that I would never change. We had our bumpy road, we fixed it, and things were so much better. I will always miss my friend.
Every Friday I will post some memory.. there is so much more to tell of Jim..
so many good times that he and I shared..
so many other times that I had w/others..
some of those days are still very blury for me, as I blocked out alot and face it
I was strung out on multiple forms of whatever to pass the time that it's really fuzzy..
Please dont judge, unless youve walked a mile in my shoes
Peace
Some may be entertaining, embarrassing.. or having you think..WTF????
So.. Here we go...
Many Many years ago.. I was a really wayward teen. I didn't know my ass from a whole in the ground.. and gawd forbid if any authority figure attempted to tell me what to do, how to do it, or where to do it.
When I was 16, I made a decision to drop out of school, and hit the streets, mind you, I had been on & off the streets since I was 13, but when I was 16, I decided I was done w/parental guidelines.
So.. bye bye to comfort, hello to sleeping in cars, missing meals, no showers, and dirty clothes. Why? All for a man. I say man, because he was 23... so..not mature himself, yet, 7 years older than I. Jim... he was my all back then, he gave me comfort when I felt I wasn't getting it from home, along w/a lifestyle that I thought I wanted to be a part of.
Jim was my everything back in those days... what ever he said to do.. is what I did. So... one sunny summery day, he and I.. S & J.. decided.. to head to Eastern WA... and live like nomads, and just be.. we had an old beater car (how that P.O.S. made it over the pass..I have no clue)
So..off we went, landed in Richland, and decided to live outta the car on the Columbia River.
Oh.. it was gorgeous, warm weather, freedom.. oh the smell of freedom!!
Little did I realize, what was to come next... ownership... oh.. the acid smell of ownership. Jim decided, he owned me.. he decided that I was his.. he was my master. I was to do what he said, when he said, how many times he said to do..whatever it was he wanted me to do.
He never laid a hand on me, he never said a cross word to me, at least, not in the beginning, he always told me I was his everything, I was his all. He would tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. However, if I was to talk to another male, things would turn ugly. What little personal possesions I had with me, would be ripped apart and destroyed. How those times broke my heart, and tear me apart. I never realized what he was doing to me, emotional abuse is the rawest. Little did I realize, he was ripping me apart from my past, so that I would forget my family that I walked away from. So that he would become my world. Little by little.. he did become my world..
Dont get me wrong, I had some great times on those river banks...S & I would drink, and dance, drink and dance. We promised each other we would always be there for each other, no matter what would happen, our friendship would last the test of time... thank the lucky stars above, our friendship has lasted, and to this day (20+yrs later we are still very close)
We met many a cool people that summer, S & I gave each other homemade tattoo's w/needles, thread, and indian ink.. we smoked to much weed.. and drank to much Nighttrain. We laughed under the pale moon light. Crazy things, we should of been children of the 60's..but... we were children of the late 80's! Jamming out to Def Leppard, Poison, Skid Row, Metallica, and whatever else our portable stereo would play for us.
Finally, I think reality started to set in w/all of us. Jim started getting mean, cross words were starting to be said. The occasional slap, to keep me in line, to show me he cared was his reasoning, and that I needed to pay attention. Then, the night came.. when finally I decided it was time to go home
But.. I never made it home, I ended up.... in Los Angeles California...
To this day, Im unsure of what he gave me to keep me asleep all that time, I remember bit's & pieces of the road trip..but not much, he wanted me to myself.. w/no one else around.
So.. he stole a car, put me into it, w/the help of another guy he met along the way. And off we went.. into the wild blue wonder.
Los Angeles... WOW!!!!
He left me alone in a hotel room.. where he got money for that.. no idea..
I had an Aunt & Uncle who lived in LA.. I called.. they picked me up.. Thank you..
they saved me.. for a brief period of time.. they saved me.
I bounced around Cali.. LA... to Torrence.. to San Fran.. Hayward.. Castro Valley..
finally home.. back to WA.. where my friends and family were..
Back to those, that loved me.. back into the arms of love.
I found salvation, in Community Youth Service (another post.. )
then.. 6 months after being home, and finding myself..
I look up from my table, and who do I see?
Jim..
he's back.. I was told later, I went white, I stopped breathing, started shaking
and then passed out.. right in the middle of the yogurt shop. Cold as could be..
Gone!!! took them forever to revive me Im told.
I steared clear of Jim as much as possible, but word was out, he was looking for me.
Word was out he was a man on a mission, and that he was telling everyone he would find me
and I would be his again. That things were different, his family straightened him out (as they lived in San Diego) and that he was a new man, a better man.. and he wanted to prove it.
Seriously, at 16.. what do you believe? Who do you believe? What do you choose? Who do you choose?
I made a choice, right or wrong.. I made a choice.. finally I agreed to see him, and listen to what he had to say. The man I fell in love with once upon a time, stood in front of me, his crop of curly brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, looking at me once again.. like I was his world.. his all.. his everything... and I fell in love all over again!!!
I was off the drugs, he was off the drugs.. ahhh... but.. we still drank(some habits are hard to break..LOL).. but.. it was so much different this time.. we were fun again.. no bad words, no hits, no nothing..
everything was good.. we dated for 2 more yrs (so much happened in those 2 yrs).. then when I turned 19.. I decided.. it was time to get a life.. a home.. and he decided... he wanted to go back to drinking & druggin..
And I moved on.. turned my life around.. got off the drugs completly.. and cleaned myself up.
Ran into Jim from time to time, and everytime I did, it would break my heart a little bit each time. To see how he was deteriorating. But to see that face, his eyes, his hair, and that smile, always warmed a small piece of my heart.
He finally did one to many drugs, and OD' in 2000. When he passed, a piece of me passed with him. Because regardless for all that he and I went thru, he had a huge part to do with a piece of my life. A piece of my history that I would never change. We had our bumpy road, we fixed it, and things were so much better. I will always miss my friend.
Every Friday I will post some memory.. there is so much more to tell of Jim..
so many good times that he and I shared..
so many other times that I had w/others..
some of those days are still very blury for me, as I blocked out alot and face it
I was strung out on multiple forms of whatever to pass the time that it's really fuzzy..
Please dont judge, unless youve walked a mile in my shoes
Peace
Thursday, February 08, 2007
So it's been written....
So.. it's been written
in the chronicles of Barney that some things should be real....
The feel of hands on my body
The feel of silk against my skin
The feel of something real
The feel of a cool breeze against my flushed skin
The feel of my lovers lips across my breast
The feel of something real
To feel whole again
To feel a part of something again
To feel something real
To feel the newness
To feel the wholeness
To feel something real
So it's been written in the chronicles
but.. do the chronicles ever come to be real?
in the chronicles of Barney that some things should be real....
The feel of hands on my body
The feel of silk against my skin
The feel of something real
The feel of a cool breeze against my flushed skin
The feel of my lovers lips across my breast
The feel of something real
To feel whole again
To feel a part of something again
To feel something real
To feel the newness
To feel the wholeness
To feel something real
So it's been written in the chronicles
but.. do the chronicles ever come to be real?
Friday, February 02, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Trouble at 9!
Article from local paper:
TACOMA -- A court hearing is scheduled next month to determine whether a 9-year-old boy who ran away from home and talked his way onto two flights to Texas may be charged in a car theft and police chase.
Semaj Booker, whose determined effort to get to his grandfather in Dallas made national headlines earlier this month, appeared briefly Monday before Superior Court Judge John A. McCarthy, who ruled there was probable cause for a hearing in the car theft case.
The boy is accused of stealing a neighbor's car on Jan. 14 in Lakewood, a suburb south of the city, and leading police on a chase at speeds up to 80 mph on State Route 512 before the engine blew.
Unable to find a juvenile detention center to accept the boy because of his youth, police returned him to his mother, who reported him missing the next morning.
He was detained that night, Jan. 15, in San Antonio, where he managed to fly from Seattle with a plane change in Phoenix after giving Southwest Airlines agents a false name and claiming to be 12 years old.
The court case concerns charges of second-degree car theft and attempting to elude a pursuing police vehicle, both felonies, and driving without a valid driver's license.
Under state law, a child 8 to 11 years old is presumed to be incapable of committing a crime unless prosecutors prove he understood what he did and knew it was wrong. McCarthy scheduled a ''capacity hearing'' to answer those questions for Feb. 12.
The boy remained in the custody of his mother, Sakinah Booker, but the judge ordered that he remain under constant adult supervision, be kept home except for attending school and not drive any motor vehicles.
April Kettner, whose car was stolen, attended the hearing and said afterward that the vehicle remained inoperable and impounded.
''I would just like to see them held accountable for what he's done,'' Kettner said
So.. this is open for discussion..
Im mixed on this.. I think a few things need to happen here
First and for most, this child needs to understand that for every action there is an effect.
That when you do a crime, of any form regardless of the severity, there are consequences.
However, at the age of 9, does this child understand any of this?
I realize alot is dependant upon the childs understanding, meaning does he have the intelligance to understand right from wrong.
At the age of 9, one would hope that he has the basic fundementals to understand right from wrong, but what about his home life?
Is it stable?
Loving/caring enviroment?
understanding?
Taught the basic priniples of life?
Do not steal! ( this is already proven to be null)
Do not lie (again.. proven to be null as the boy lied multiple times at the airport)
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Be respectful of yourself and others, to both your person and to others belongings (do I need to say it?)
So forth and so on..
In another of news reports, the mother stated how proud she was of her son. Proud? Proud of the ingenuity her son showed.. ok... I can sort of grasp that..but not really.. how embarrassing as a mother to have a child who has no care for others around him.. to show to the world that your parenting skills are so lacking that your 9 yr old steals/lies & cheats.
What type of child will he grow up to be?
Or.. do you feel that this child is crying out for help?
After all... other reports state, all he wanted to do was get to his Grandfather who lives in Texas.
So.. open up for forum..
what are your thoughts on this matter?
TACOMA -- A court hearing is scheduled next month to determine whether a 9-year-old boy who ran away from home and talked his way onto two flights to Texas may be charged in a car theft and police chase.
Semaj Booker, whose determined effort to get to his grandfather in Dallas made national headlines earlier this month, appeared briefly Monday before Superior Court Judge John A. McCarthy, who ruled there was probable cause for a hearing in the car theft case.
The boy is accused of stealing a neighbor's car on Jan. 14 in Lakewood, a suburb south of the city, and leading police on a chase at speeds up to 80 mph on State Route 512 before the engine blew.
Unable to find a juvenile detention center to accept the boy because of his youth, police returned him to his mother, who reported him missing the next morning.
He was detained that night, Jan. 15, in San Antonio, where he managed to fly from Seattle with a plane change in Phoenix after giving Southwest Airlines agents a false name and claiming to be 12 years old.
The court case concerns charges of second-degree car theft and attempting to elude a pursuing police vehicle, both felonies, and driving without a valid driver's license.
Under state law, a child 8 to 11 years old is presumed to be incapable of committing a crime unless prosecutors prove he understood what he did and knew it was wrong. McCarthy scheduled a ''capacity hearing'' to answer those questions for Feb. 12.
The boy remained in the custody of his mother, Sakinah Booker, but the judge ordered that he remain under constant adult supervision, be kept home except for attending school and not drive any motor vehicles.
April Kettner, whose car was stolen, attended the hearing and said afterward that the vehicle remained inoperable and impounded.
''I would just like to see them held accountable for what he's done,'' Kettner said
So.. this is open for discussion..
Im mixed on this.. I think a few things need to happen here
First and for most, this child needs to understand that for every action there is an effect.
That when you do a crime, of any form regardless of the severity, there are consequences.
However, at the age of 9, does this child understand any of this?
I realize alot is dependant upon the childs understanding, meaning does he have the intelligance to understand right from wrong.
At the age of 9, one would hope that he has the basic fundementals to understand right from wrong, but what about his home life?
Is it stable?
Loving/caring enviroment?
understanding?
Taught the basic priniples of life?
Do not steal! ( this is already proven to be null)
Do not lie (again.. proven to be null as the boy lied multiple times at the airport)
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Be respectful of yourself and others, to both your person and to others belongings (do I need to say it?)
So forth and so on..
In another of news reports, the mother stated how proud she was of her son. Proud? Proud of the ingenuity her son showed.. ok... I can sort of grasp that..but not really.. how embarrassing as a mother to have a child who has no care for others around him.. to show to the world that your parenting skills are so lacking that your 9 yr old steals/lies & cheats.
What type of child will he grow up to be?
Or.. do you feel that this child is crying out for help?
After all... other reports state, all he wanted to do was get to his Grandfather who lives in Texas.
So.. open up for forum..
what are your thoughts on this matter?
Monday, January 29, 2007
Monday... things
I really dont have much of anything to post.. so I will post random items
1) Company holiday party Saturday night.. way after the holidays..
which I guess is ok... so anyhow... it was in T-Town at the Glass musuem, which was nice looking at all the blown glass sculptures. To recap the evening really quick..
a) I had to dress up.. skirt, heels, makeup, hair, nylons
normally this wouldnt be a bad thing.. but I dont dress up for work.. and I guess I had forgotten how much effing trouble it is to attempt to get all "gussied" up... and my feet still hurt :(
b) Suppose to be there by 7, didnt get there until 7:30, which not to bad, still got a nice table.. but not w/those I really wished to sit with..but they were still sociable people.
c) The food sucked!!!! But.. there was an open bar
d) I drank them out of rum.. and I didnt get drunk.. cuz there wasnt that much rum
e) My picture was taken.. holy shit Im fat!!!
f) My feet hurt
g) I never did get drunk
h) we left early, as my friends husband was bored.. and didnt want to be there any longer, and since I road w/them.. I kind of had to go...
which in itself was kind of a bummer, cuz the band was just starting and I wanted to kind of stay and socialize.. but.. I guess it's a good thing we left.. because we got back to her house........and well..........................................................................................
dinner didnt stay in my tummy!!! :(
2) Havnt heard from not so smart daddy.. which is fine.. whatever.. either he doesnt remember how to turn on his computer and check his email.. or.. he didnt understand what I wrote.
3) Im going to kill the dogs!!!! We have English Mastiff's the really huge drooling, giant, road block of a dog.. (we raise, show & breed) one of the bitches is in heat.. and the male is going INSANE!!!! picture 210 lbs of dog attempting to smash thru the door!! oh yeah.. it's been fun, I cant wait until that kennel is built.. finally got the funding.. yeah!!!!
4) I was just informed my tire is flat on my car :( yeah.. fun.. niiiiice
5) My coffee taste's funny...
6) Im hungry.. but.. the pics from the party, made me realize.. Im not so pretty anymore, Im starting to look like the good year blimp, think Jenny Craig would pay me to loose weight like they did for Kristie Alley? 2 things would be accomplished, I would loose weight and get money, 2 things I want and need badly!!
7) My son is 13, and is hormonal and if he doesnt straighten up Im gonna either end up in Western State or prison..
8) I found some old friends I went to high school with on myspace... it was fun to re-connect and chat and see how they are doing.
9) I think my fish is dying.. I have a betta on my desk at work, he's 4yrs I think, which is old for a betta.. his name is Bitchy Big Hair.. but, I think he's gonna be heading down that swirling pool of water soon. That saddens me!
10) My hands are dry... my lips are chapped, and my nose is clogged..
Its' gonna be a great day.
Peace!!!
1) Company holiday party Saturday night.. way after the holidays..
which I guess is ok... so anyhow... it was in T-Town at the Glass musuem, which was nice looking at all the blown glass sculptures. To recap the evening really quick..
a) I had to dress up.. skirt, heels, makeup, hair, nylons
normally this wouldnt be a bad thing.. but I dont dress up for work.. and I guess I had forgotten how much effing trouble it is to attempt to get all "gussied" up... and my feet still hurt :(
b) Suppose to be there by 7, didnt get there until 7:30, which not to bad, still got a nice table.. but not w/those I really wished to sit with..but they were still sociable people.
c) The food sucked!!!! But.. there was an open bar
d) I drank them out of rum.. and I didnt get drunk.. cuz there wasnt that much rum
e) My picture was taken.. holy shit Im fat!!!
f) My feet hurt
g) I never did get drunk
h) we left early, as my friends husband was bored.. and didnt want to be there any longer, and since I road w/them.. I kind of had to go...
which in itself was kind of a bummer, cuz the band was just starting and I wanted to kind of stay and socialize.. but.. I guess it's a good thing we left.. because we got back to her house........and well..........................................................................................
dinner didnt stay in my tummy!!! :(
2) Havnt heard from not so smart daddy.. which is fine.. whatever.. either he doesnt remember how to turn on his computer and check his email.. or.. he didnt understand what I wrote.
3) Im going to kill the dogs!!!! We have English Mastiff's the really huge drooling, giant, road block of a dog.. (we raise, show & breed) one of the bitches is in heat.. and the male is going INSANE!!!! picture 210 lbs of dog attempting to smash thru the door!! oh yeah.. it's been fun, I cant wait until that kennel is built.. finally got the funding.. yeah!!!!
4) I was just informed my tire is flat on my car :( yeah.. fun.. niiiiice
5) My coffee taste's funny...
6) Im hungry.. but.. the pics from the party, made me realize.. Im not so pretty anymore, Im starting to look like the good year blimp, think Jenny Craig would pay me to loose weight like they did for Kristie Alley? 2 things would be accomplished, I would loose weight and get money, 2 things I want and need badly!!
7) My son is 13, and is hormonal and if he doesnt straighten up Im gonna either end up in Western State or prison..
8) I found some old friends I went to high school with on myspace... it was fun to re-connect and chat and see how they are doing.
9) I think my fish is dying.. I have a betta on my desk at work, he's 4yrs I think, which is old for a betta.. his name is Bitchy Big Hair.. but, I think he's gonna be heading down that swirling pool of water soon. That saddens me!
10) My hands are dry... my lips are chapped, and my nose is clogged..
Its' gonna be a great day.
Peace!!!
Monday, January 22, 2007
Dear Not so smart Daddy
Letter to my son's father.. concerning him thinking he's being so smart.. as to not give his son his birthday present, all because, his son decided to spend his birthday.. the way he wanted to..
Dear Dumbass:
I spoke with K-Man last night, he informed me of your decision of not giving him his birthday present , that he instead has to earn it back.
Showing a child his birthday present and then not allowing him to have it, just because you are upset at him, is pretty rough. With his foot surgery, K-Man has been through an awful lot lately and many of the things he likes to do have been "taken away" through no fault of his own.
He made a poor choice, to which he has apologized for, but you basically just taught him that you don't forgive. And that your love is something that is earned, not given freely.
He shouldn't have to earn your love or your forgiveness.
As you certainly can attest, being a parent is about the ups & downs of raising children. Sadly, he will disappoint you from time to time, either with bad grades, lack of judgment, immaturity, or speaking w/out thinking. This is all part of growing up and we will continue to work with those issues as they come up .
K-Mans view is that you don't trust him, nor forgive him for his mistakes.
If you expect K-Man to meet a certain level of expectations, you will have to assist in reaching the levels you are setting. A gift is just that.. a gift, and children are gifts, to be cherished..
On this line is the women in your life... I was trying to get K-Man to open up the evening the two of you showed up, however K-Man doesn't feel he can speak to either of you, because you hold things over his head, and because you don't forgive, and get upset with him when he doesn't attempt to explain how he feels.
However, The women in your lifes condecending tone can be upsetting to him as are the little guilt trips about not coming and visiting. She is always complaining to him about him not coming up, or not calling . But K-Man says that he has to stay in his room in the mornings until either of you are out of bed and that it is cold because the heat is never turned on .
The comment was made by the women in your life the evening you two showed up, " that the two of you refuse to entertain K-Man. " Granted, he can find things to do on his own, however he comes to visit YOU, to spend time w/YOU... things do need to be done w/him... talking to him, playing a game, watching a movie, he is 13, doesn't always make the correct choices, and still does need some supervision.
Last concern.. your Mother.... I realize your Mother is his Grandmother, however, if she does not cease on the religious talk and the "damning" aspects of life, she will push K-Man so far away, he wont ever want anything to do with her. As is now, he doesn't even like to spend long periods of time w/Your Mother due to her preaching at him. When I try to speak to her about this, I make no progress . So.. its up to you to handle that ... or.. she wont have a Grandson, not because of me, but because K-Man doesn't want to hear it.
She is not his mother, and therefore, it is NOT her responsibility to inject religion into his life.
I continuously tell K-Man to use his words w/all three of you, but he continuously explains to me, that he can't. He doesn't feel you listen to him, nor does he feel that you would even take anything he says into consideration. He has feelings, he has thoughts, he has opinions ----He is now a 13 year old boy.
Instead of making him feel guilty for not spending HIS birthday with you, feel appreciative over the fact you have a son, who does want to spend time with you and make the most of it .
I wrote this not to start an issue but simply because your son was hurt by the actions of the last weekend--it is important to me that we give K-Man the best life he can have and teach him the best values we can.
Its been a tough end of year with the foot surgery--I am trying to keep his spirits up the best I can, and hope you will assist with that....
Your Bitchy Ex (as Im sure that's exactly what he will take from it)
Dear Dumbass:
I spoke with K-Man last night, he informed me of your decision of not giving him his birthday present , that he instead has to earn it back.
Showing a child his birthday present and then not allowing him to have it, just because you are upset at him, is pretty rough. With his foot surgery, K-Man has been through an awful lot lately and many of the things he likes to do have been "taken away" through no fault of his own.
He made a poor choice, to which he has apologized for, but you basically just taught him that you don't forgive. And that your love is something that is earned, not given freely.
He shouldn't have to earn your love or your forgiveness.
As you certainly can attest, being a parent is about the ups & downs of raising children. Sadly, he will disappoint you from time to time, either with bad grades, lack of judgment, immaturity, or speaking w/out thinking. This is all part of growing up and we will continue to work with those issues as they come up .
K-Mans view is that you don't trust him, nor forgive him for his mistakes.
If you expect K-Man to meet a certain level of expectations, you will have to assist in reaching the levels you are setting. A gift is just that.. a gift, and children are gifts, to be cherished..
On this line is the women in your life... I was trying to get K-Man to open up the evening the two of you showed up, however K-Man doesn't feel he can speak to either of you, because you hold things over his head, and because you don't forgive, and get upset with him when he doesn't attempt to explain how he feels.
However, The women in your lifes condecending tone can be upsetting to him as are the little guilt trips about not coming and visiting. She is always complaining to him about him not coming up, or not calling . But K-Man says that he has to stay in his room in the mornings until either of you are out of bed and that it is cold because the heat is never turned on .
The comment was made by the women in your life the evening you two showed up, " that the two of you refuse to entertain K-Man. " Granted, he can find things to do on his own, however he comes to visit YOU, to spend time w/YOU... things do need to be done w/him... talking to him, playing a game, watching a movie, he is 13, doesn't always make the correct choices, and still does need some supervision.
Last concern.. your Mother.... I realize your Mother is his Grandmother, however, if she does not cease on the religious talk and the "damning" aspects of life, she will push K-Man so far away, he wont ever want anything to do with her. As is now, he doesn't even like to spend long periods of time w/Your Mother due to her preaching at him. When I try to speak to her about this, I make no progress . So.. its up to you to handle that ... or.. she wont have a Grandson, not because of me, but because K-Man doesn't want to hear it.
She is not his mother, and therefore, it is NOT her responsibility to inject religion into his life.
I continuously tell K-Man to use his words w/all three of you, but he continuously explains to me, that he can't. He doesn't feel you listen to him, nor does he feel that you would even take anything he says into consideration. He has feelings, he has thoughts, he has opinions ----He is now a 13 year old boy.
Instead of making him feel guilty for not spending HIS birthday with you, feel appreciative over the fact you have a son, who does want to spend time with you and make the most of it .
I wrote this not to start an issue but simply because your son was hurt by the actions of the last weekend--it is important to me that we give K-Man the best life he can have and teach him the best values we can.
Its been a tough end of year with the foot surgery--I am trying to keep his spirits up the best I can, and hope you will assist with that....
Your Bitchy Ex (as Im sure that's exactly what he will take from it)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I got nothing!!!
I have nothing to report people
I have no life
It's home
Work
Kids
their lives
that's it..
repeat
My son went thru his surgery just fine.. he's mending well
My daughter is doing great.. except for her 30 yr old attitude..
but, she's figuring out that even if her head spins around and she
has projectile coming out of her nose.. she still isnt gonna get what she wants.
I have NO love life.. hell..I dont want love.. I would just like to get laid!!!
but yeah.. that aint happening either.
Im on a diet.. cuz Im a fat ass.. maybe that's why Im man less..
but Im a nice person..
Im not unattractive..
Oh well..
Maybe this year will bring something good...
Peace
I have no life
It's home
Work
Kids
their lives
that's it..
repeat
My son went thru his surgery just fine.. he's mending well
My daughter is doing great.. except for her 30 yr old attitude..
but, she's figuring out that even if her head spins around and she
has projectile coming out of her nose.. she still isnt gonna get what she wants.
I have NO love life.. hell..I dont want love.. I would just like to get laid!!!
but yeah.. that aint happening either.
Im on a diet.. cuz Im a fat ass.. maybe that's why Im man less..
but Im a nice person..
Im not unattractive..
Oh well..
Maybe this year will bring something good...
Peace
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