OH Sleepy Dreams..Where are you??

INSOMNIA!!!

I just wanna sleep, why cant I sleep?
My mind wont turn off
Things running through
Images flashing by
Did I pay that bill?
what's that noise?
The dop pacing back and forth
acting like a soldier protecting its home.
I have to complete that report at work
what's the time line?
Do I have all the information
Do I have all the proper materials
Are my kids happy?
Did I turn off the stove?
I should of stayed up later and done more laundry
I need a smoke
restless
anxious
non stop thinking
running
going
coming
leaving
what?
sleep....
relax.....
calm.....
deep breath.....
inhale...
exhale....
blank....
no thoughts.....
sleep....
just wanna sleep....





oh.. I have Vicadin!!!!
Nighty night!!!
sleep tight..
as snug as a bug in a rug!!!
ah... Finally... Dreams....

MORNING!!!!
I finally slept!!!
Yeah me!!!!

Rainy day's bring on the Downer Monster

I love the rain, why else would I live in the Pacific Northwest, however, there are times when I step outside and the drops from the heavens are still falling to the ground, that you realize there is a cloud hanging over your head.

Driving into work today, I looked over at an open field, that amazingly enough has not been bulldozed for more fucking housing, any how.. I see a dog limping across the field, thinly covered in the mist/fog, and as the dog come's towards the traffic, I realize, its a Coyote.... it stops, and looks, with its front paw bent up, a loan tan coyote, in a field, early in the morning, w/mist and fog surrounding it... and I swear, as I sat there at the stop light, and looked at the coyote, with the rain falling on my windshield, no radio, the kids were quiet, all we could here was the rain falling on the car, and the sound of the windshield wipers, and I swear, that Coyote and I had a moment... as we stared at each other, eye to eye, with the elements surrounding us, I heard him say.. stop devoloping my home! My family and I are being ran out, where will we go? How will I feed my children? What will I do, then he turned, and started back towards the thick fog, and w/one last glance over his shoulder I heard " Remember me, I too, am here, living, breathing and surviving" and then he disappeared among the fog, mist & rain...

Did I really see him? Did anyone else see him? Yes, he was there, the kids saw him and they too were just as memorized as I. And, then the light changes, and off to the hussle and bussle of the Monday morning commute and then I hear my son say, Mom..the coyote is heartbroken. You could see it in his eyes.

Yes, honey.. I know..
His day will come
He will be free
and able to roam where he's ment to be
all things come accordingly
and all things get what they deserve.
So mote it be!

Somedays are better than Others

Well I'll be a June bug on a hot summer night!!!!

Here at work, we have something called Thrive awards..
and today.. I found out I got a nice Thrive award...
I dont know from who.. and I dont know why.. all I know is
that I have an extra cash that is now burning a large whole in my pocket...

What ever should I buy???
Or should I be a good girl, and pay off a few of those over hanging bills???

Either way, its nice to be reconized for something..
and here I was HATING my job.

Thank you Corporate America! I appreciate it!!!!!

Your Element is Earth

Your power color: yellow Your energy: balancing Your season: changing of seasons Dedicated and responsible, you are a rock to your friends.You are skilled at working out even the most difficult problems.Low key and calm, you are happiest when you are around loved ones.Ambitious and goal oriented, you have long term plans to be successful.

What'>http://ynr.blogthings.com/whatelementareyouquiz/">What Element Are You?

Something Fun

So I sent out an email, something stupid and fun to see what response's I would get back
the question was
One word..... Describe me in ONE WORD - just one. Send it to me (only me) then forward .

The response's were interesting...
Here ya go

Shane: Uninhibited
Shelley: Vibrant
James: Amazing
Mason: Amazing
Jon: Hottie
Stephanie: Adventurer
My Mother: MINE
Debbie: Vivacious

Just something fun... 2 guys thought I was amazing.. yet, they really dont "KNOW" me

Random thoughts

Do you ever wonder, what you would change if you could go back in time and change some of the things that you had done?

Wow, I have made so many mistakes and have so many transgressions that I should be ashamed of. But seriously... Would I change any of it? Who would I be today if I had not dropped out of school? If I had not left home at 14? If I had not seen and done some of the unnecessary evils that I committed through out those adolescent teen years?
Would I still be who I am?
Then again, exactly who am I?
Do I even know who I am?
Do you know who you are?
Seriously sit down and think about it, how do you view yourself?
How do others view you?
I like to think Im fair/compassionate/kind/caring/sincere/funny/smart
a non-bullshitter I guess.
I live according to the rules that I have made up out of my own life, I don't break the law, unless I feel its absolutely necessary (well except for my lead foot when I drive)
I don't steal/don't commit any heinous acts upon others.

Im a good person. Im a beautiful person inside and out
so over all.. its a good thing that Im me
and that all the things Ive done through out my life has made me who I am today.
I may not be all that book smart, but sometimes you will get farther in life having "street" knowledge, than book knowledge.

Whats your thoughts?

Monday, Monday

Its another fun filled day in the work arena..

My weekend.. nothing really to report
Went shopping at Costco.. they really need to change the name of that store, to something like, over $200 store, I can NEVER get outta that store under $200.. never fails.. and word of advice, never go grocery shopping when your hungry!! I bough crap that I dont need, nor do the kids.. oh well..

Saved a 7mo old pit bull from death, so needless to say, I now have a damn dog. Mind you, I love dogs, and I have been wanting one, but pits are NOT my breed of choice. But I couldnt allow them to put him down, long story short, he's an AKC registerd full blood Pit. He's adorable, Oscar the Cat Slayer is his registerd name. So what does that tell you?! So far, all is well, he's a lap dog, right now he probably weights about 40lbs, white/carmel color, good disposition, great w/the kids, hardly barks, but doesnt realize the strength & power that is behind him. Once he does, Im gonna have my hands full! And I thought the wee ones would be difficult. This would be one of those times I say "what was I thinking?"

In other news... my roommate (who's my ex) walked into his ex-wife's house to pick up his daughter, walked into his ex's bedroom (not sure why, not my business) and walked into a cloud of meth smoke. Nice huh? Anyhow, so he grabbed his daughter and his ex's other child and left, brought them to my house, contacted the father of the son (who has custody of his son because mom gave him up when he was 2 cuz she didnt really want him) and together they contacted CPS (child protective services) the local police wrote statements, and so forth and so on.
Now, this crack head is something else. I have known here for a few years and she is the most backstabbing/lieing/selfish/self centered bitch you will EVER meet. Not sure what he's planning on doing, as he has no way of taking care of her, he has no legal parental rights and he's sleeping on my couch for gawd sakes. But, nobody wants her to go to state care, so if push comes to shove I guess she could come to my house, however I would be the one who would probably be help responsible as R (the dad) is on probation and has a warrant out for his arrest as he's been neglecting his probation (can u say dumbass) mainly cuz he's been trying to take care of his job and daughter as I found out, he's known about this little drug habit for some time.

Stay tuned in for more drama... Happy Monday

Am I just a Bitch?

So, we have been extremely short staffed here at work, hiring freeze has been in full force, until finally management has realized that some of us have been working 12 hr days and working on the weekends. So finally, we get new-hires. Not FTE.. oh no, cant go there, but temps... to come in, do parts of our jobs, to make things easier on us, then they are gone... so we can end up working OT again.

So, I get myself a "newbie" I have to train her on a piece of my job, so she can pick up for me because Im covering 3 peoples position. So Im training, and I ask her a question if she had read one of our manuals and if she understood everything, cuz its kind of technical, I mean, Hi.. I work in the Telecommunications Industry for an SS7 provider.. we provide networking and database services across the world. Anyhow, I ask her if she was able to understand what she read and if she needed to sit w/Product management maybe to understand, ( I know for me, just reading the written word... Doesn't always understand, Im a diagram kind of gal) anyhow.. she looks me dead in the eye and says... " I do know how to read & Im a good reader"
K... um.. great.. Did I fucking ask you if you know how to read????!!!!

I mean, wow... Don't try to impress me, I don't sign your paychecks, but don't ever take that tone of voice w/me again and don't ever be so condescending. Must just be me, cuz it totally pissed me off.
Now, mind you, I have a rep around work of being a non-bullshitter. Im straight to the point, and could care less if I upset you or make you sad. Im not here to make friends, Im here to do my job, (which I completely enjoy) and get my paycheck to take care of whats mine. And Im damn good at my job, granted like everyone I do make mistakes.. but I will fess up and take full responsibility..and correct what I screwed up on. (doesn't happen often but it happens)

Where was I? So, about 3 min later, if that... I told her to go sit w/someone else, cuz she royally ticked me off and I just couldn't assist her anylonger..

So.. am I just a bitch? did I take it to personal? Or was she thinking that I was downgrading her

whatever.. I don't have time for this shit!

Damn!!!!

Ever have those days when you just want to be left the fuck alone?

I stayed home from work yesterday, as I have the worse case of bronchitas, and my co-workers are getting a tad irritated w/me for coughing and spreading my germs through the air ducts.
So, I left early Monday, and decided to say screw it, and stayed home yesterday. Well, I basically slept my life away yesterday after getting the wee ones off to school.

Last night, Im laying in bed, hadnt taken a shower, only brushed my teeth, feeling like death was standing at the foot of my bed, crookin' his wee little finger at me, saying.. "come here little girl, this big daddy wants to show you hell's kitchen" when in walks W... he's my daughters father who has been staying w/me.. he jumps on the bed, lays on top of me, and is kissin' my neck and running his hands all over me.

um.. hmmm....lets see.. WTF???!!!! I dont feel good, and I KNOW I dont look good, so get the fuck up jack ass!!! So Im twisting and Im turning, and Im bitchin' and its turning him on... dude just got it the other night (ok, so we aint together but damn that man can fuck!!! TMI huh?)
anyhow... I get pissy..then I go into a coughing fit, and so then he gets pissed, and finally goes downstairs.. he's gone for like an hr.... which is fine by me.. later!!!
So what does he do???? Are you ready for this? Are ya sittin down? ok.. he brings me up my favorite homemade mint chocolate chip cookies... and a glass of 7up... for me, he went downstairs and made me cookies.. cuz I didnt feel good... now is that a good man or what? It was so sweet of him.

So moral of the story..
Sometimes being a bitch does pay off...
All I wanted was to be left alone in my misery so I could die in peace. Is that to much to ask for?
Then the dumb-ass had to go and do something nice for me, so I couldnt even be pissy w/him? Yeah, I know..I should be greatful and thankful and whatever else.

Ok..I am... but again... what about me eating those few cookies, when I probably should of just taped them straight to my ass!!! haha.. more later

10 Facts Men Dont Know about Women

I dont agree w/all these... I actually love a good Mettalica concert...


1. We are more vulgar than you. We just aren't as loud.
2. We don't really mind when you leave the toilet seat up. It's evidence that you didn't piss all over it.
3. We drink till you're cute too.
4. Whoever told you that we love spooning is wrong. You fall asleep immediately, and we're pinned under your heavy, sweaty limbs, trying desperately to break free before you start snoring.
5. No, we don't want to listen to you play the Guns N' Roses song you just learned on your guitar (or bass or drums). We are not in college anymore. Sitting on your couch while you struggle through "November Rain" is painful. Have mercy.
6. "You are so smart" actually means, "You are so adorable when you try to act smart."
7. Sexy beats cute. Smart trumps sexy. Funny takes the pot.
8. When we say cool, really, wow, and huh, we're not listening, either.
9. We don't really expect you to like romantic comedies. We just make you watch them as a payback for all the baseball games, Metallica concerts, and Super Bowl parties we sit through with you. And for the record, we, unlike you, have yet to fall asleep in the middle of any of them.
10. We never fake orgasms. Okay, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency.

Why there was no looting after Hurricane Rita....  

Ah...the wee ones

I love my sister

My kids are such photo hounds.. and clowns to say the least...
however for as much as they like to pretend they despise each other
this is one of the many pic's that they took together where they actually seem
to like each other...

Arnt they cute??? Now if they would just get a job and support me in the fashion I wish
to become accustomed to..all would be well..LOL.. just kidding.. Im not ready for them to grow up yet.

Kids n Drugs

So Im watching the news last night and on comes a report about a 3yr old
who was brought to the Centralia Hospital, high on meth. Crystal Meth, that was probably just laying around his house because one of his loving parents is a drug addict, and as most children that age do, he puts it in his mouth, and what do you know.. the kid is seeing purple and pink dinosaures flying across the room, and running around so damn quick that it gives a whole new meaning to ADHD.

Where are these parents minds? Granted, they are higher than the Empire State building, but, where were their minds prior to gettin' hooked? Been there done that, and you know what, when I found out that I was bringing another life into this world that I was going to have devote the next 25 yrs to someone else, to raise them according to what they should be, to help them understand right from wrong, morals, caring, loving individuals and who can help this fucked up society that we currently live in.

The report goes on to say, that in Lewis County (where that child resides) almost 75% of the children in foster care there were pulled out due to their parents being drug addicts or alcholics.
Its so sad, I look at my children, and their are days that I feel I am not providing for them the way I wish to, but you know what. They are not living w/strangers, their mother isnt a crack whore, they have food on the table, clean clothes on their backs, a bed to sleep in and an occasional outting to a nice place.

So you know what.. help a child in need. There are those that are worse off.
And my heart goes out to that small child

Get me outta here!  

Relaxed and peaceful

I got laid!!!

I know, like ya'll give a damn,
But whats amazing as what is does for the body.
The relaxation, the inner peace..the all.

Im sure I sound like a slut, but hey... it wasnt like I picked the guy up at the local whore hole, nope.. its my daughters father, so its not like I havnt been there before. Whats a little "fuck buddy" action?

Friends w/benefits? Stress reliever? um.. its all good.. and let me tell you.. it was all GOOD!!!

I do apologize

Not that anyone else reads this.. but I do apologize for just leaving like that.. wow.. its been awhile...

Same ol' drama same ol' day in the life of Me

W is still here, R is poking around again.

Work is a pain in the arse

The kids are alive and well

Ive been sicker than a dog the last week, but still able to make it into work every day

My 33rd birthday is coming up.. and Im kind of dreading it

I havent gotten laid in almost a month.. and Im not a happy person to be around

Im still loosing weight though, so thats a plus.. of course guess it helps if I eat

Im about ready to go buy a new B.O.B maybe that will make me somewhat happier, with no chances of catching anything

oh yeah.. alls well!!!!

More Info

Ok... I figured I would provide a little bit more info on me....

I grew up in a basic normal family, I guess, Mom/Dad, 2 brothers, my Grandfather (my dad's dad) and my Grandmother (my mom's mom) all lived w/us.
My Grandfather pass on my birthday, the day I turne 8. So I have that lovely memory every year. And my Grandmother passed when I was 17, from Alzheimers. sad sad sad.. me and grammy were very close.
Anyhow... my parents seperated when I was like 12, I was given the choice to move w/my mother to California, or stay in Washington w/my father...hmmm...lets think about this, Im gonna stay in WA where all my friends are, duh!!!
So..I stayed, and discovered some extra curricular activities w/my friends, such as a little Mary Jane... which went into some drinking, into some crystal meth, into acid, into lets party all the time oh this is fun, fuck life, and lets just become a drug addict and oh while Im at it.. I think I should leave home at 14 and live on the streets... no wait... I should go home, so off and on the streets for a few years. Then at 16, I tried to clean up a little bit, was home, got a job, was going to school.. and then I met J... 23 yrs old, no responsibilities, and he had the hook up's. Lets quit school, fuck the job, and go live w/J on the streets and become more of an addict. Aww yeah... life was great.. me J and my friend S and her man JR, lets go party by the lake, get fucking wasted and oh crap..there's the police, they call my father, who says throw her in jail I dont want her around my house, so the cops call S's mom.. who worked for the County Sherriff's office, who offers to come pick us up (mind you we were drunk off our asses and/or higher than kites, dont remember which..) she picks us up, drops us off at her house, we say fuck you all.. and have J & JR pick us up, and we are on the run... head to Eastern WA, to stay w/S's father who um.. well didnt recieve us well, so lets live in the car.. sounds like fun huh!!! did that for a few months, then S&JR hitchhike home, and J & I and another couple who we befriended, decide to steal a car and head to San Diego.... what a ride, what a trip... and OMG we didnt get caught.. until me and my stupid wisdom, lets stop at my Aunties house to get some $$$...
Isnt this boring shit??? Anyhow..long story short.. I stay at my Aunties, who passes me off on my cousin, J , S & JR leave... and Im stuck in LA.. (by the way... hated it) so I hitchhike back to WA...
I hooked up with an outreach program, just shy of my 17th birthday.. and let me tell you, they turned my shit around. Job training, college, off the dope, back on my feet, back in w/the family and all's getting hella better...
Had my wee ones.. and WOW..theres so much more.. but I dont wanna bore you right outta the gate.. stay tuned.. I left ALOT out!!

Later

BLAH

I woke up this morning feeling rather blah...there has been some kind of shift w/in myself that is causing me to just freakin "wig" out.
One minute Im fine, and the next minute, I feel the pressure in my chest, and my heart starts racing, I get all nervous, and my vision gets blurred, and then, my hands start shaking... and I just start yelling/bitching/going psycho. You know this makes my job really hard. Damn good thing I can just shut my office door and then people dont bother me! I have been getting so angry lately that Im self-destructing, Im tearing apart my home and probably scarin' the hell out of my family. Im not physical towards any of them, but the yelling and throwing of things are bad enough! So, Im off to a counselor to get my anger back under control, to figure out what is triggering my "episodes"

On the other note, my son is sleep walking, that has me a tad concerned. He has the downstairs bedroom, and he's freaked out about someone coming through the bedroom window and taking him away or something, so most of the time he ends up sleeping on the floor in his sisters room or the floor in my room. Not Good!!! This kid is almost 12, he's a little old to still be sleeping w/mommy!!!! Anyhow my other half has been sleeping on the couch so the boy feels more comfy downstairs, he said that last night he watched our son make 3 trips upstairs to check on his sister and me, and then the 4th trip he just came down and sat in the front room... I dont know what the deal is, just zoned out until W had to wake him up and tell him to go back to bed... the poor boy'o... tis very tired, he's not getting the sleep that he needs!!! Time to take him to a Dr too...

My daughter broke her wrist last week rollerblading.. took her in yesterday she got herself a beautiful purple cast, other than that, she's doing well

Katrina

Im so saddened by the devestation of Katrina. I feel like I should go volunteer at the Red Cross and go try to help out the best I can, and do what I can. This disaster makes my problems w/life seem to minimul and I guess they are.

But what I dont get, is the looters. Who are these selfish assholes that are robbing guns and trying to break into hospitals? I understand breaking into the local Rite Aid to steal water/food/medical supplies... but to break down the local Walmart and clean out the gun section and to take the new tv's. WTF? For what.. um hello you damn ass's, you dont have any electricity, let alone cable... OMG.. fu**ing idiots.

I feel the loss for them, and here I sit, knowing I get to go home in an hr from my job, and cook a wholesome meal for my kids, and then take a shower and lay down in my comfortable bed. That seems so wrong to me.

I saw an ad for the American Red Cross, 20 hrs of training, then they will send u to volunteer. Im seriously thinking I should, there has got to be SOMETHING I can do.

Some Info - if you care

Ok, so a little about me.
I have two beautiful children, they are my everything, for lack of better words they complete me. My son is 11, he is such a funny little man, it amazes me at how grown up he is. It amazes me at how much like me he is, always wanting to make people laugh & smile to make them happy. He's so worried about making people happy. Yet watch out, he has a temper (which I know he gets from me) He's starting middle school this year. 6th grade!!! OMG!!! I remember middle school, thats when I was introduced to what the world was really about, no more safe cacooned little world, welcome to reality! Oh I do hope he makes it through ok w/out any major life changing moments. I mean, I realize he is going to change, and he's gonna grow and the next few years are going to teach him lesson's w/in life and help him to understand why people are people. But Im not ready to loose my funny monkey.
My daughter... she is mini me! At least that's what everyone tells me. She looks like me, acts like me, talks like me, same facial expressions as me and she is such a bossy little bug! Oh..wait.. so am I! Ok,,,, I get it already. She is 8, and smarter than her own good. I swear she is going into the 3rd grade, already reads at a 5th grade level, does math just under the 5th grade level, knits/crochets and loves to sing! And she's a worrier.. she worries over everything I try to keep her mind occupied on other things, but it just doesnt work. She worries about the food in the cupboard, gas in the car, if the bills are paid, laundry.. you name it.. she worries about it. But if I told her to clean her room.. oh no... she dont worry about that!
Anyhow.. my living situation is a little mucked up. I live w/my ex boyfriend and my daughters father. Now, mind you, there is nothing going on w/either of them. We are all roommates sharing the expenses. But its a long long long story and one that I dont wish to get into right now. But I swear, parts of my life should be on the Jerry Springer show.
I will give you a little bit of it to wet thy whistle, My sons father and my daughters father were best friends in high schoool. The ex that I live w/I also dated when I was 16 (for about a yr). There ya go.. as the world turns, ho hum, its just another fu**ed day in my life.
W/out my wee ones, I dont know how I would cope.