My day of birth.. came and went.. good day.. here's a quick run down...
Woke up early.. (why do I always wake up early on the weekends? Yet, cant get my ass outta bed in the mornings for work?)
Got my wee man to his baseball game, and we lost.. damn it!!! But, it was a good game.
Headed home, my brother was there and he made me a big birthday lunch.. B-B-Que chicken, corn on the cob, potato salad.. yummy yummy yummy...
Hung w/him for awhile.. and then went to meet my friend S for a few drinks when she got of work.. we talked, we drank and good times...
Around 6:30... time for me to get home get fancied up head to T-Town to meet some other friends.. only.. S.. doesnt want to go home, so she get's permission from her hubby to go w/me..
and the fun begins!!!!
Lord almighty did she get wasted.. and proceed to hit on every man in the bar.. especially my friend T's ex-brother in law.. which by the way, doesnt know she's married..
one thing leads to another.. and I finally have to let him know.. um.. hey.. she's married...
No..they didnt make out, they didnt sleep together.. but, hands were roaming.. and looks/winks/words were exchanged..
It's been a few weeks since that night.... and she is still talking about him.. and how she has to see him and wants me to set it up, and Im mad at that!
She's fucking married.. she said her I do.. she has a man..
leave the single ones to those that are single.. damn it!!!
Yes Ive talked to her, but she says I dont understand. Ok..what dont I understand????
Oh..that YOUR MARRIED!!!!!?????????????????
Anyhow..
Im infatuated w/someone... and I cant get him outta my mind.. and it's been along time since Ive felt this way about someone.. and Im freaked out, cuz he's beautiful.. good looking.. and hot.. and well.. Im so NOT his type.. so help me snap the fuck outta this ok?!
yeah.. work. gotta work..
peace
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Happy Birthday!!! To.......
It's my birthday tomorrow..
It's my birthday tomorrow..
another year older.. but am I any wiser?
Sure I am.. hey... it's my birthday.. and if I wanna be wiser
then so be it!!!
I got into work.. and my cube is all decorated..
confetti, streamer, birthday signs...
the one that cracks me up..
Life is not passing you by.. it's trying to run you over!
LOL.. love it..
I have to vases' of roses... I love roses's.. and I never get rose's..
I got Pot o Gold chocolates..
Homemade Blackberry wine..
and...the whole dept made a huge breakfast spread..
French toast, sausage, eggs, fruit, bacon, potatoes
makin's for breakfast burritos
chocolate milk, oj, apple juice
They like me..
they really like me!!!!
Sometimes you wonder..
if your liked..
I think I am..
Peace
It's my birthday tomorrow..
another year older.. but am I any wiser?
Sure I am.. hey... it's my birthday.. and if I wanna be wiser
then so be it!!!
I got into work.. and my cube is all decorated..
confetti, streamer, birthday signs...
the one that cracks me up..
Life is not passing you by.. it's trying to run you over!
LOL.. love it..
I have to vases' of roses... I love roses's.. and I never get rose's..
I got Pot o Gold chocolates..
Homemade Blackberry wine..
and...the whole dept made a huge breakfast spread..
French toast, sausage, eggs, fruit, bacon, potatoes
makin's for breakfast burritos
chocolate milk, oj, apple juice
They like me..
they really like me!!!!
Sometimes you wonder..
if your liked..
I think I am..
Peace
Monday, October 02, 2006
Everafter
I attended a funeral yesterday, and I started thinking about death ever after (or is that marriage.. diff post)
As I sat there listening to all the things that were accomplished for her 70+ years on this earth, I started to think.. what have I accomplished???? What will be remembered for my time on this earth? Will I be remembered? Im sure I will be..
But.. what do I want my memorial to be like?
I want a party!!!
Prop my dead ass up in the corner recliner, wearin' jeans/t-shirt.. throw on some sunglasses, and put a nice cold drink in my cold stiff hand... pull the keg outta the closet.. and put on some loud tunes.. I want everyone to rejoice.. that I came, I lived, I loved, and moved on..
But what am I moving on to? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?
Neither.. as Im not a believer.. once ya die.. you die.. and that's that..
my SNL (sis n law) is a believer..
She says I will go to Heaven.. but will I?
so.. here's what I came up with.. there has to be different stages to Heaven.
Because.. what about those of us.. who care, just not that much.. we kind to animals and the elderly. We dont steal, we dont kill, but yet we cuss, and have sex w/out marriage.
Well... we will get to heaven..
but instead of Heaven w/wings and halos'..
it's the servents entrance... but hey.. it's still heaven.. so all's well.
So.. when I die, I will be pulled from my death bed by a messenger of the higher power that is, given a number,and over the loud speaker.. we will hear
" Welecome to the last ride of your life... heading to your after-life, if your paper has a 1, please get off the elevator on Floor 1, servents entrance.. as you were semi good during your human existance.. you will now need to perform a number of tasks to be granted your wing's & halo's.. please step outta the elevator, and stand outside the puter gates... those with a 2.. .welecome to Heaven.. the pearly gates will be directly in front of you once the elevator doors open. Wings & halos are to the left. Thank you for riding the Everafter Express"
Im ok w/the servents quarter.. I mean hell doesnt sound like such a hot place after all.. get it.. HOT.. LOL.. I crack my ass up!!!
but hey... I look at it this way.. At least I get to taste the Philly Cream Cheese before I have to deliver it.. LMAO!!!!
Peace!!!!
As I sat there listening to all the things that were accomplished for her 70+ years on this earth, I started to think.. what have I accomplished???? What will be remembered for my time on this earth? Will I be remembered? Im sure I will be..
But.. what do I want my memorial to be like?
I want a party!!!
Prop my dead ass up in the corner recliner, wearin' jeans/t-shirt.. throw on some sunglasses, and put a nice cold drink in my cold stiff hand... pull the keg outta the closet.. and put on some loud tunes.. I want everyone to rejoice.. that I came, I lived, I loved, and moved on..
But what am I moving on to? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?
Neither.. as Im not a believer.. once ya die.. you die.. and that's that..
my SNL (sis n law) is a believer..
She says I will go to Heaven.. but will I?
so.. here's what I came up with.. there has to be different stages to Heaven.
Because.. what about those of us.. who care, just not that much.. we kind to animals and the elderly. We dont steal, we dont kill, but yet we cuss, and have sex w/out marriage.
Well... we will get to heaven..
but instead of Heaven w/wings and halos'..
it's the servents entrance... but hey.. it's still heaven.. so all's well.
So.. when I die, I will be pulled from my death bed by a messenger of the higher power that is, given a number,and over the loud speaker.. we will hear
" Welecome to the last ride of your life... heading to your after-life, if your paper has a 1, please get off the elevator on Floor 1, servents entrance.. as you were semi good during your human existance.. you will now need to perform a number of tasks to be granted your wing's & halo's.. please step outta the elevator, and stand outside the puter gates... those with a 2.. .welecome to Heaven.. the pearly gates will be directly in front of you once the elevator doors open. Wings & halos are to the left. Thank you for riding the Everafter Express"
Im ok w/the servents quarter.. I mean hell doesnt sound like such a hot place after all.. get it.. HOT.. LOL.. I crack my ass up!!!
but hey... I look at it this way.. At least I get to taste the Philly Cream Cheese before I have to deliver it.. LMAO!!!!
Peace!!!!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
5 yrs later - one day short
Im not a polital person. I have personal things in my life that keep me very busy and focused on. However, yesterday was a very sad day for our Nation. 9/11..... 5 years later
where was I?
Just rolling out of bed.. alarm clock goes off, and I hear... a 2nd plane has hit Tower 2...
moments after the first Plane hit Tower 1...
I race out of bed, and head to the TV to turn on the news.. and I sit and watch horrified at what is happening.
It takes me twice as long to get ready for work, and get the kids off to school as we are all mortified at what is happening to our Nation. Our country is under attack.
Work was null and void.. 400+ employees' sat mesmeriezed in the lunch room watching on television at the horror that was taking place...
Our President, our Leader.. was forced to leave where he was to take flight in Air Force One..
but the communication systems were down... not working appropriately.. do you think he felt helpless? I believe he did..
Cheney ok'd for any commercial flight to be shot out of the sky.. thank God that command did NOT float down to the fighter pilots in the air...
Millions of people were affected by that day 5 years ago.. Thousands of people lost their lives. I was affected. My children were affected. They were so young, they did not understand the why.. or who... I didnt understand the why or who.. but what I do understand is we couldnt just sit still and not do anything. To sit back and portray the message that we would allow for terrorist's to come into our Country and allow it to be blow apart, lives taken...Children lost their Mothers & Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Brothers, Sisters... We lost family memebers... We lost a piece of us...
I remember... and I bow my head, every night and I pray for those that have lost.. not only on 9/11 but for those that are out there fighting the fight to keep us safe.. War sometimes is the only answer.... and I will defend that until my last breath...
God Bless all our hero's... Our Nations Men & Women who put their lives on the line everyday to protect our land for our children, and our childrens children.
Amen
where was I?
Just rolling out of bed.. alarm clock goes off, and I hear... a 2nd plane has hit Tower 2...
moments after the first Plane hit Tower 1...
I race out of bed, and head to the TV to turn on the news.. and I sit and watch horrified at what is happening.
It takes me twice as long to get ready for work, and get the kids off to school as we are all mortified at what is happening to our Nation. Our country is under attack.
Work was null and void.. 400+ employees' sat mesmeriezed in the lunch room watching on television at the horror that was taking place...
Our President, our Leader.. was forced to leave where he was to take flight in Air Force One..
but the communication systems were down... not working appropriately.. do you think he felt helpless? I believe he did..
Cheney ok'd for any commercial flight to be shot out of the sky.. thank God that command did NOT float down to the fighter pilots in the air...
Millions of people were affected by that day 5 years ago.. Thousands of people lost their lives. I was affected. My children were affected. They were so young, they did not understand the why.. or who... I didnt understand the why or who.. but what I do understand is we couldnt just sit still and not do anything. To sit back and portray the message that we would allow for terrorist's to come into our Country and allow it to be blow apart, lives taken...Children lost their Mothers & Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Brothers, Sisters... We lost family memebers... We lost a piece of us...
I remember... and I bow my head, every night and I pray for those that have lost.. not only on 9/11 but for those that are out there fighting the fight to keep us safe.. War sometimes is the only answer.... and I will defend that until my last breath...
God Bless all our hero's... Our Nations Men & Women who put their lives on the line everyday to protect our land for our children, and our childrens children.
Amen
Monday, September 11, 2006
Who?
Who am I, you ask?
Day to day I still try to figure that out
I guard myself,
closer and closer every day
I do not trust well
Once I give myself
I give whole heart, mind, body & soul
hurt has been deliverd time and time again
and now there is a wall... bigger & stronger than any
ever built
very few have gotten thru..
those that have, are always cherished
and loved
I hide behind a wall of sarcasm & indifference..
but am I worth getting past?
I like to think so.. but, that will be up to you...
The bullshit needs to end..
Day to day I still try to figure that out
I guard myself,
closer and closer every day
I do not trust well
Once I give myself
I give whole heart, mind, body & soul
hurt has been deliverd time and time again
and now there is a wall... bigger & stronger than any
ever built
very few have gotten thru..
those that have, are always cherished
and loved
I hide behind a wall of sarcasm & indifference..
but am I worth getting past?
I like to think so.. but, that will be up to you...
The bullshit needs to end..
Friday, September 01, 2006
Friendship's... counted on one hand
My father always used to tell me
" You can count the number of true friends you have, on one hand"
During my teen years, I always thought what did he know? He's just my dad... and knew NOTHING about being a teenager and growing up.
Then all the sudden, in my 20's I realized how intelligent my father really was.
Your true friends are the ones that you can count on for everything in life. Tho ones that will never judge you, never test you, always hold your hand (or your hair while your ill) will confide in you, and to whom you can confide in. The ones who have always been there, in good days and during dark clouds. Will love you, respect you, cherish you and support you.
But it was recently, that I truly found out who my real friends are. The ones that truly love, care, accept, respect... the ones that dont question my remarks, dont question my ideas, my thoughts, my attitude. They know why I am the way I am, they know WHO I am. I dont have to defend myself to them. They ACCEPT me.. for me!
The last few months, my eyes have been opened to those that I thought were friends. But come to find out, when I tried to share my feelings w/a few individuals that I felt our "friendship" was strained. I was informed... I was causing needless drama. WoW! Needless drama when Im trying to tell you, that I was hurt & concerned at the road our friendship was going down... ok... I have just a few words for you.
Take care, Good luck, and best of luck in all endeavors that you set out to achieve.
oh.. and one last thing.. Screw you! I will never again, bother you with my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Glad your there for everyone else.. and I apologize for ever wanting to be there for you. Guess we never had what I thought was a friendship. Your loss... not really mine. But thanks for stabbing me none-the-less....oh wait.. Needless drama.. My Bad!!!
To those that I count as my friends.. to those that KNOW me, inside and out.. to those that dont ever question who I am, or why I say some things.. thank you.. I love you.. and I appreciate you.
You are on one hand. And, No.. it's not just my middle finger... ;)
Peace
" You can count the number of true friends you have, on one hand"
During my teen years, I always thought what did he know? He's just my dad... and knew NOTHING about being a teenager and growing up.
Then all the sudden, in my 20's I realized how intelligent my father really was.
Your true friends are the ones that you can count on for everything in life. Tho ones that will never judge you, never test you, always hold your hand (or your hair while your ill) will confide in you, and to whom you can confide in. The ones who have always been there, in good days and during dark clouds. Will love you, respect you, cherish you and support you.
But it was recently, that I truly found out who my real friends are. The ones that truly love, care, accept, respect... the ones that dont question my remarks, dont question my ideas, my thoughts, my attitude. They know why I am the way I am, they know WHO I am. I dont have to defend myself to them. They ACCEPT me.. for me!
The last few months, my eyes have been opened to those that I thought were friends. But come to find out, when I tried to share my feelings w/a few individuals that I felt our "friendship" was strained. I was informed... I was causing needless drama. WoW! Needless drama when Im trying to tell you, that I was hurt & concerned at the road our friendship was going down... ok... I have just a few words for you.
Take care, Good luck, and best of luck in all endeavors that you set out to achieve.
oh.. and one last thing.. Screw you! I will never again, bother you with my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Glad your there for everyone else.. and I apologize for ever wanting to be there for you. Guess we never had what I thought was a friendship. Your loss... not really mine. But thanks for stabbing me none-the-less....oh wait.. Needless drama.. My Bad!!!
To those that I count as my friends.. to those that KNOW me, inside and out.. to those that dont ever question who I am, or why I say some things.. thank you.. I love you.. and I appreciate you.
You are on one hand. And, No.. it's not just my middle finger... ;)
Peace
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Oh..the swirling smoke haze!!!
Day 23......
and still no smoking.. although I did lapse twice.. and that's because I had a drink or two..
and well..they kind of go hand in hand.. and all my friends smoke.. so it does make it a sticky situation..
however.. it killed my throat.. and I woke up the following morning w/one hell of a smoke hangover.. I felt like there was this HUGE smoke ball on my chest.
I am done smoking.. all in all, it has been pretty easy.. I still get the urge from time to time, but if I really think about it, my chest starts to feel heavy and I have trouble breathing.
I can almost walk up 3 flights of stairs w/out getting completely winded.
It's amazing... really really amazing... food actually tastes' different.. I never realized how salty some lunch meats and cheese's are.. and I cant get enough water.
Im not as bitchy... one friend told me that I am actually nicer now.. (WTF?) reason being, is because when I smoked, I didnt care what I said, how I said it, or who I ticked off... but since quitting smoking.. I am more careful now, because I can feel the little red demon floating around inside me waiting to be released.. and I wont allow the monster out!!! LMAO..
Thanks for the support everyone.. and yes..Im still employed.. amazingly enough, even after ripping my co-workers and my boss new asses!!! Cigarettes..nasty little drugs.. it was easier to kick my drug habits in high school!!! LOL..
TTFN!!!
Peace
Me
and still no smoking.. although I did lapse twice.. and that's because I had a drink or two..
and well..they kind of go hand in hand.. and all my friends smoke.. so it does make it a sticky situation..
however.. it killed my throat.. and I woke up the following morning w/one hell of a smoke hangover.. I felt like there was this HUGE smoke ball on my chest.
I am done smoking.. all in all, it has been pretty easy.. I still get the urge from time to time, but if I really think about it, my chest starts to feel heavy and I have trouble breathing.
I can almost walk up 3 flights of stairs w/out getting completely winded.
It's amazing... really really amazing... food actually tastes' different.. I never realized how salty some lunch meats and cheese's are.. and I cant get enough water.
Im not as bitchy... one friend told me that I am actually nicer now.. (WTF?) reason being, is because when I smoked, I didnt care what I said, how I said it, or who I ticked off... but since quitting smoking.. I am more careful now, because I can feel the little red demon floating around inside me waiting to be released.. and I wont allow the monster out!!! LMAO..
Thanks for the support everyone.. and yes..Im still employed.. amazingly enough, even after ripping my co-workers and my boss new asses!!! Cigarettes..nasty little drugs.. it was easier to kick my drug habits in high school!!! LOL..
TTFN!!!
Peace
Me
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
quitting smoking
What in the hell was I thinking?
Quitting smoking is one of the harder things I think I have ever done.. ok.. well no..
there are some things in my life that have been harder..
Day 1
holy shit.. I thought I was gonna fuckin passout at my boss's fee... by 11am, I was dizzy/sweating/nervous/headache
my vision was blurred, my heart was pounding..all because I was "detoxing" my body of nicotine
what a nasty little drug... my hands were shaking.. I couldnt concentrate, all I could do was sit and think about how bad I wanted that cigarrette, that cool smoke sliding down my throat (as I smoked menthols)
I survived day 1...
Day 2
Stay the fuck out of my way!!!!
Im not in the mood for ANYONE's shit today
Im fuckin moody!!! and Fuck is my word...
I bit the heads off a number of co-workers today.. thankfully they all understand what I am doing and why I am acting this way.. they are being extremelly tollerant of my juvenile behaviour and the fact that Im slamming things around and saying Fuck it alot..
but FUCK!!!! Im full of nerves and energy and gawd who knows what the fuck else..
I just wanna pick a fight..
Luckily one of my co-workers made me take a long walk this afternoon with him.. so I could release some of my pent up frustrations.. that helped..
Day 3
It's the morning of day 3
Im feeling better..
What Im finding weird tho, is that Im having a hard time breathing.. why?
I cant catch my breath.. is it a panik attack?
is it the fact that my lungs are purging them selves from the tar pits that they currently are?
what? Anxiety attack? who knows..
The edginess is still there.. I can feel it just on the surface.. the little claws of evilness are slowly making their way around the edge and will shortly grasp it's pray and kill it.
Today hopefully will be a better day, but... luckily my co-workers and my family understand what Im going thru, this is not pretty..
Im going thru this w/a ton of gum.. and lots of coffee.. I will survive this.. it's time.. must quit.. for me.. for my kids.. for me.. for my kids..for me..for my kids
what the fuck ever.. I WILL DO IT!!!!
Quitting smoking is one of the harder things I think I have ever done.. ok.. well no..
there are some things in my life that have been harder..
Day 1
holy shit.. I thought I was gonna fuckin passout at my boss's fee... by 11am, I was dizzy/sweating/nervous/headache
my vision was blurred, my heart was pounding..all because I was "detoxing" my body of nicotine
what a nasty little drug... my hands were shaking.. I couldnt concentrate, all I could do was sit and think about how bad I wanted that cigarrette, that cool smoke sliding down my throat (as I smoked menthols)
I survived day 1...
Day 2
Stay the fuck out of my way!!!!
Im not in the mood for ANYONE's shit today
Im fuckin moody!!! and Fuck is my word...
I bit the heads off a number of co-workers today.. thankfully they all understand what I am doing and why I am acting this way.. they are being extremelly tollerant of my juvenile behaviour and the fact that Im slamming things around and saying Fuck it alot..
but FUCK!!!! Im full of nerves and energy and gawd who knows what the fuck else..
I just wanna pick a fight..
Luckily one of my co-workers made me take a long walk this afternoon with him.. so I could release some of my pent up frustrations.. that helped..
Day 3
It's the morning of day 3
Im feeling better..
What Im finding weird tho, is that Im having a hard time breathing.. why?
I cant catch my breath.. is it a panik attack?
is it the fact that my lungs are purging them selves from the tar pits that they currently are?
what? Anxiety attack? who knows..
The edginess is still there.. I can feel it just on the surface.. the little claws of evilness are slowly making their way around the edge and will shortly grasp it's pray and kill it.
Today hopefully will be a better day, but... luckily my co-workers and my family understand what Im going thru, this is not pretty..
Im going thru this w/a ton of gum.. and lots of coffee.. I will survive this.. it's time.. must quit.. for me.. for my kids.. for me.. for my kids..for me..for my kids
what the fuck ever.. I WILL DO IT!!!!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Care free days...
Ok.. so the past is catching up with me...
I remember when life was all about being care-free and no worries..
and I remember when I was totally pissed because my father woulndt give me enough money to go school shopping, or to blow Friday or Saturday night when I went out with my friends. Now I sit back and get totally pissed, because I work my f*ing butt off and still have problems paying the bills, and yet they are always there.
What happened to the care-free days? You know, the days you could drink from the hose, or ride in the back of the pick up truck, or ride your bike down the street w/out worrying if you gonna get a ticket because you dont have on your helmet.
What about walking late at night to run over to your friends house, picking fruit off your neighbors trees and just eating it prior to washing it... or those fresh blackberries straight off the vine.. and cherries..mmmm... seems your not allowed to do that anymore..
Dating.. wow.. I miss dating, I dont date anymore.. why not? I want to date... I want a date.. I want those feelings of new realization... of getting to know someone, of learning new things w/someone.. of just being w/someone.. oh well.. someday..
I started thinking of my past, my teen years, and some of the things Ive gone thru. Most of it self induced. Would I change any of it? No, I dont believe so..mainly because I had a damn good time. Yeah.. I drank alot, and I got caught up in drugs.. and yeah.. I did those things because I wanted to fit in w/the crowd I was "hanging" with...but you know.. I enjoyed it.. I made some good friends... and I made some bad enemies.. but because of the things I did in my life, and the road that I have traveled down.. those things made me who I am today.
And even if I do say so myself.. Im a damn good/cool/hip/hop/happenin kind of bitch.. LOL.. ( did I really just write that?)
I went to a county tradition over the weekend.. and smacked myself directly into flashback mode.. the smells of the fair, the heat, the lake, the rides..everything.. all of it.. I even saw people from my past.. those that I wished to walk away from. Granted.. my town isnt small.. we have over 3k living here ( Im sure of it) and yet, it's a small town is so true! I ran into at least 6 people Sunday, in a 3 hr stretch from my druggin/drunken days.. and W.O.W. they are still druggin/drinkin.. do people grow up?
Anyhow....Im off for another vacation..I havnt taken so many vacations in YEARS!!!
Heading to Canada... will let you know how it went.. ta ta
Peace
I remember when life was all about being care-free and no worries..
and I remember when I was totally pissed because my father woulndt give me enough money to go school shopping, or to blow Friday or Saturday night when I went out with my friends. Now I sit back and get totally pissed, because I work my f*ing butt off and still have problems paying the bills, and yet they are always there.
What happened to the care-free days? You know, the days you could drink from the hose, or ride in the back of the pick up truck, or ride your bike down the street w/out worrying if you gonna get a ticket because you dont have on your helmet.
What about walking late at night to run over to your friends house, picking fruit off your neighbors trees and just eating it prior to washing it... or those fresh blackberries straight off the vine.. and cherries..mmmm... seems your not allowed to do that anymore..
Dating.. wow.. I miss dating, I dont date anymore.. why not? I want to date... I want a date.. I want those feelings of new realization... of getting to know someone, of learning new things w/someone.. of just being w/someone.. oh well.. someday..
I started thinking of my past, my teen years, and some of the things Ive gone thru. Most of it self induced. Would I change any of it? No, I dont believe so..mainly because I had a damn good time. Yeah.. I drank alot, and I got caught up in drugs.. and yeah.. I did those things because I wanted to fit in w/the crowd I was "hanging" with...but you know.. I enjoyed it.. I made some good friends... and I made some bad enemies.. but because of the things I did in my life, and the road that I have traveled down.. those things made me who I am today.
And even if I do say so myself.. Im a damn good/cool/hip/hop/happenin kind of bitch.. LOL.. ( did I really just write that?)
I went to a county tradition over the weekend.. and smacked myself directly into flashback mode.. the smells of the fair, the heat, the lake, the rides..everything.. all of it.. I even saw people from my past.. those that I wished to walk away from. Granted.. my town isnt small.. we have over 3k living here ( Im sure of it) and yet, it's a small town is so true! I ran into at least 6 people Sunday, in a 3 hr stretch from my druggin/drunken days.. and W.O.W. they are still druggin/drinkin.. do people grow up?
Anyhow....Im off for another vacation..I havnt taken so many vacations in YEARS!!!
Heading to Canada... will let you know how it went.. ta ta
Peace
Monday, July 24, 2006
Wow... I just read that..
And am I really that pathetic??
Yep..guess I am..
there is more to life than all the negatives I have written
I will expand on them tomorrow..
until then.. I leave you all with..
Nighty night!!!!
Yep..guess I am..
there is more to life than all the negatives I have written
I will expand on them tomorrow..
until then.. I leave you all with..
Nighty night!!!!
We have a theme
there seems to be a theme to this blog..
that would be the big "L" word..
Love..
yep..I question it on a daily basis, there are so many types of love.. love between parent & child, love between sibling's, love between friends, love between man & women, the love you feel for a beloved pet. Yes, Love.. it's a 4 letter word, yet, it has one of the most complex definintions known to man.
Webster descirbes Love as:
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
( A sense of underlying oneness.. hmm.. is that possible? can you truly be with another human and feel as one?)
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
( Ah..here we go.. the emotion of sex and romance.. but.. just giving your body for some, does not equal love.. to some.. it's just an act.. just a "release" but it doesnt necessary mean, your in love w/that person)
Sexual passion. (Yep... again.. S.E.X.)
Sexual intercourse. (oh look..and again.. S.E.X.)
A love affair. ( A love affair... LOL.. damn.. an affair does not equal L.O.V.E... what does it truly equal though?)
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. ( yet another definition.. an intense emotional attachment... ah yes... I love my animals.. my friends.. my family... so forth
So.. again I ask.. what is it?
Mythology... is Love a Myth? Arrows of Cupid.. once shot by the arrow of Love.. you will feel it's power and the first person you see will be the true one.. the one you will feel that intense attachment to.. the one who will make your heart stop, drop to the pit of your stomach, then your heart starts again with that deep ragged breath, and beats and beats and beats, to the point where you think it's going to burst out of your chest until you feel that persons arms around you, lips to lips and carresses...can it happen?
I dont know what it is, I thought I found it once.. ok..maybe twice.. but did I? I found what I thought it was, I felt the beat of my heart everytime I looked at him, when ever he would put his arms around me I could feel the love pouring from his existence, from every pore, from all over, I felt like I belonged.. and then.. he was gone.
But was that true love? Was that what it should be?
I truly dont know anymore.
Yes I love my children.... with everything that is with in me.
I love my family...more than they can know (even if I dont talk to a part of them)
and I love those friends of mine that are there for me, and dont choose sides... and are actually the ones who love me unconcidtionally..they are far and few between...
but love w/a soul mate... yeah.. I suppose it could happen... and yeah.. I guess I have seen it happen.
Just not for me!
Peace
that would be the big "L" word..
Love..
yep..I question it on a daily basis, there are so many types of love.. love between parent & child, love between sibling's, love between friends, love between man & women, the love you feel for a beloved pet. Yes, Love.. it's a 4 letter word, yet, it has one of the most complex definintions known to man.
Webster descirbes Love as:
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
( A sense of underlying oneness.. hmm.. is that possible? can you truly be with another human and feel as one?)
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
( Ah..here we go.. the emotion of sex and romance.. but.. just giving your body for some, does not equal love.. to some.. it's just an act.. just a "release" but it doesnt necessary mean, your in love w/that person)
Sexual passion. (Yep... again.. S.E.X.)
Sexual intercourse. (oh look..and again.. S.E.X.)
A love affair. ( A love affair... LOL.. damn.. an affair does not equal L.O.V.E... what does it truly equal though?)
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. ( yet another definition.. an intense emotional attachment... ah yes... I love my animals.. my friends.. my family... so forth
So.. again I ask.. what is it?
Mythology... is Love a Myth? Arrows of Cupid.. once shot by the arrow of Love.. you will feel it's power and the first person you see will be the true one.. the one you will feel that intense attachment to.. the one who will make your heart stop, drop to the pit of your stomach, then your heart starts again with that deep ragged breath, and beats and beats and beats, to the point where you think it's going to burst out of your chest until you feel that persons arms around you, lips to lips and carresses...can it happen?
I dont know what it is, I thought I found it once.. ok..maybe twice.. but did I? I found what I thought it was, I felt the beat of my heart everytime I looked at him, when ever he would put his arms around me I could feel the love pouring from his existence, from every pore, from all over, I felt like I belonged.. and then.. he was gone.
But was that true love? Was that what it should be?
I truly dont know anymore.
Yes I love my children.... with everything that is with in me.
I love my family...more than they can know (even if I dont talk to a part of them)
and I love those friends of mine that are there for me, and dont choose sides... and are actually the ones who love me unconcidtionally..they are far and few between...
but love w/a soul mate... yeah.. I suppose it could happen... and yeah.. I guess I have seen it happen.
Just not for me!
Peace
Friday, June 30, 2006
A Chair full of Bowlies
I dont have any idea how to start this blog, so many things running thru my head today, thoughts, feelings, mixed emotions I feel like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment.
Im lonely.. Im 33 fucking years old, and Im lonely. All my life consist's of, is work & home. My life revolves around my kids. It's always about them and their needs and their wants and what do I get in return for it? Nothing.. absolutely fucking nothing. and im tired.. tired of the same thing day in and day out. why cant I find someone.. or something that will occupy me.. Just ME.. not body else.. I need something for myself, everything is for someone else lately. The little master of the house or the little princess wanna be. All I know is what the fuck about me?
I sound so selfish, but is it a crime to want to be able to do for myself?
I miss having someone's arms around me, being able to cuddle up next to someone on the couch and just watch a good movie, or laying in bed in the warmth of someone else's body, feeling safe and content. I miss kissing.. I love to kiss.. I miss lips on lips, tongue to tongue, the forplay... sensuality.. all of it.... I dont want to just get laid.. to fuck to fuck.. but to belong to someone.. is that so bad?
And now for the poor me syndrome......
what is it about me that turns men off? Im not the hunchback of Notre Dam.. Im not homely, ugly, destitute or boring.. Im just me.. is it my harsh reality? Is it my attitude? The fact that Im a single mother of 2 kids? What? what in the hell is it? I am a strong women, and I wont put up w/peoples shit for long. I do hold a grudge, but.. Im loving, caring, kind and protective. Maybe it is me..it must be me.. duh.. what was I thinking..
I hate people that are always so down and out and negative.. and guess what..Im being one of those people now... and I hate myself for that. I need to snap outta it and get my shit together and just deal.
I love my kids.. they are my life.. but they are life draining from time to time... nothing is about me anymore.. everything is about them.. and that is the way it should be.. and the way it will continue to be.. Im ok with that.. but I do need to bitch..and complain and feel sorry for me once in awhile, and that's what Im doing..
ok.. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July...
Peace
Im lonely.. Im 33 fucking years old, and Im lonely. All my life consist's of, is work & home. My life revolves around my kids. It's always about them and their needs and their wants and what do I get in return for it? Nothing.. absolutely fucking nothing. and im tired.. tired of the same thing day in and day out. why cant I find someone.. or something that will occupy me.. Just ME.. not body else.. I need something for myself, everything is for someone else lately. The little master of the house or the little princess wanna be. All I know is what the fuck about me?
I sound so selfish, but is it a crime to want to be able to do for myself?
I miss having someone's arms around me, being able to cuddle up next to someone on the couch and just watch a good movie, or laying in bed in the warmth of someone else's body, feeling safe and content. I miss kissing.. I love to kiss.. I miss lips on lips, tongue to tongue, the forplay... sensuality.. all of it.... I dont want to just get laid.. to fuck to fuck.. but to belong to someone.. is that so bad?
And now for the poor me syndrome......
what is it about me that turns men off? Im not the hunchback of Notre Dam.. Im not homely, ugly, destitute or boring.. Im just me.. is it my harsh reality? Is it my attitude? The fact that Im a single mother of 2 kids? What? what in the hell is it? I am a strong women, and I wont put up w/peoples shit for long. I do hold a grudge, but.. Im loving, caring, kind and protective. Maybe it is me..it must be me.. duh.. what was I thinking..
I hate people that are always so down and out and negative.. and guess what..Im being one of those people now... and I hate myself for that. I need to snap outta it and get my shit together and just deal.
I love my kids.. they are my life.. but they are life draining from time to time... nothing is about me anymore.. everything is about them.. and that is the way it should be.. and the way it will continue to be.. Im ok with that.. but I do need to bitch..and complain and feel sorry for me once in awhile, and that's what Im doing..
ok.. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July...
Peace
Monday, June 19, 2006
New Happenings & the demon
Some things new have happened...
We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.
Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.
Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?
No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!
I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.
Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"
We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.
Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.
Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?
No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!
I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.
Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"
Friday, June 02, 2006
Random voices within
Nothing to really report, sad isnt it?
It's funny how life throws you curve balls
what's even more amazing, is how a body knows when to duck and turn and slide to get the hell out of the way of those curve balls.
~ I really miss my dog. He was such a cool dog... we had gotten him from a friend of mine who had rescued him from an abusive home. At first, I was really concerned on how he would react to the kids and ferrett due to his mistreatment, but he turned into the biggest love bug that I had ever met in a Pit Bull. I have never been a Pit fan, due to their reputation, but one thing you have to remember is the fact that the majority of a dogs personality is in the handlers. Oscar loved to sit on my lap, sleep next to me on the bed. He was a lounger!
Im sorry my dear friend. I miss you, however Im glad you were killed instantly and felt no pain.
He looked up at me, with my hand holding his head, licked my palm and quietly went to the other side.
~ Why do we fall in love with those that can not return the love? What makes you attracted to those that are not good for you? Is it the fear of being alone? Or is it the thought that you can change someone for the better? Knowing full well that you should never try to change someone, you should accept and acknowledge that person for who they are. And yet... I continue to try to make them different? Is that fair to them? Is that fair to me? No... simply.. No... and yet I continue to do so. So how does one correct that? Im not sure.. but that brings me to another question.. what is love? Between a couple? What makes a person fall in love w/another person?
Maybe it's just me.. but when I think Im in love.. I tend to fall out rather quickly. I start to pick them apart, find everything I can that annoys me. Is this my way of ending a relationship before I end up getting hurt? Or is it because I just have no desire to really be in a relationship? Hmmm... things to ponder.
~ Am I a good mother? I love my babies with everything w/in me. I would lay my life down for them in a heartbeat. I do the most that I can do for them and give up so much of myself for them. And yet, I do yell, I do scream. Not the most pleasant mommy in the world. I rarely spank them, never slap them. I do tend to cuss.. (I know I know bad mommy!!! ) I go month's and months and months w/out new things.. just to provide for them. They are well rounded.. They are good kids (for the most part there are times when I just wanna lock myself in a room and never come out) But I look at some kids and realize that Im doing an ok job.. I could be a hell of alot worse. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how much they mean to me? Do they have any clue how their dis-respect from time to time kills me inside? It's just little things.. sometimes Im not sure if my voice is heard. I know it is... what am I asking here? yes I love my babies.. and they love me... it's tough being a single mom.. but you know.. I wouldnt change it for anything in the world. We have fun together.. somedays are trying..I wont lie.. somedays are great.. they are both coming into their own, and watching their little personalities shine thru is a wonder.
Yet is scares me.. I look at my son and realize that he currently the age I was when I walked down the wrong path in life.. It took me 7 yrs to straighten that path out. What will I do if he decides to follow my footsteps? How will I be able to save him? One day at a time.. just one day at a time. I hope I am instilling in both of my kids, the knowledge that I have gained thru out my years.
Oh there is more.. but I should really get to work now.
Peace
Friday, May 26, 2006
So many day's gone bye
Wow... havnt posted in a while
so many thought's running thru my troubled mind
just not sure where to start
I think of things and have beautiful post's written in my minds eye
and yet I go to put them on here and I go blank
I need to get paper and pen to jot down my thoughts
but would I understand them when I go back to read them?
Baseball season for my son is winding up. He's come so far
He pitched in last night's game, he has such beautiful strength and so much
power in his arm, he needs to learn to control it and to calm down. He puts
so much pressure on himself when he pitches...took him a few pitches to get the first batter out... .. 2nd batter up, 3 beautiful pitches and batter out!!!! 3rd batter, strike 1, strike 2, and damn, batter hit's 3rd pitch, pop up fly right in front of the mound... my son run's up, dives for the ball, and catches just before it hits the ground. It litterally brought a tear to my eye. Never have I been more proud of him. The stands went wild... people were standing and clapping and cheering!!! A very proud moment for him.. and for me...
Two more games for the girl child in soccer, she's doing well, not bad really for her first
"organized" sport. I dont think she realized how much running is involved w/soccer. She has made a few beautiful passes, she just needs to be a little more aggressive and not afraid to get kicked. Im so proud of her too.. she's come a long way since that first practice 2 months ago.
Other than that.. things are so ho hum right now.. between work, sports, homework, cooking, laundry (which is never ending) house work, and trying to get some me time. I have nothing overly exciting to report. Ho Hum.. another boring day in my life... its just over and over and over again.. mundane!!!
So, on to other things... (random finger thoughts here) Alot of thought going thru my head lately never sure how to express exactly how I feel, or what Im thinking and when I do try to express myself it seems that my words come out all jumbled and confusing. I have a lack of communication skills maybe. I either say it to blunt and hurt someone's feelings, or I just clam up and make a joke out of it. Either way probably isnt the appropriate way but hell, thats me, dont like it your problem not mine. But still there has to be a way that is more endearing or caring or whatever.
So my oldest dearest friend calls the other day and tells me she is sick of her husband. She wants to leave him.. ok I say.. where you going, who you staying with, when do you want me to help you move.... Now of course Im not going to make excuses for him, I will support her, as she has been my friend for 20+ yrs (damn that just dated me) he's much younger than she, she has one child from a previous relationship and then they have one together. The way he treats those kids differently really pisses me off. I understand one is his and the other isnt, and I understand that he feels intimidated by the oldest child I mean lets face it, he dropped out in 8th grade, can barely read or write, and the oldest is in 5th, and way to smart for her own good. I understand he is trying to prove his "maleness" in the house, but DAMN!!!!! dont be such an asshole!! He wont listen, all he does is yell, and when he drinks.. holy shit... instant Asshole, just add alcohol... I like him I do.. he has a place in my heart, he's a good guy, really he is.. but.. there are things that I do not agree with. I keep my mouth shut for the most part, until he says or does something to me, my kids, his oldest step child or to my friend... then, well.. the she-bitch is unleashed... so far, I have not gone off on himto terribaly bad.. but I can feel deep w/in me the day is coming. They will end up divorced because she is so much older and mature and he is still a young pup. I feel for her.. I really do.. I just wish she would realize that co-dependancy is a disease & hinderance.. and that her relationship w/her husband is jeopardizing the relationship w/her oldest.
Ok.. anyhow.. love.. what is it? seriously? 3 little words that have a very deep and complicated definition. I once thought I had found it, I once thought I knew what it ment. But that was a long time ago. Today, I dont have any understanding of it. I thought I was in love about a year ago. Then I realized I was in love w/the thought of being in love. Two very seperate things. So what is it?
Yeah..still dont know..
so.. I will leave you with that question today.. or tomorrow...or for whenever you come up with an answer. Let me know.. Im dying to find out!
Peace everyone
so many thought's running thru my troubled mind
just not sure where to start
I think of things and have beautiful post's written in my minds eye
and yet I go to put them on here and I go blank
I need to get paper and pen to jot down my thoughts
but would I understand them when I go back to read them?
Baseball season for my son is winding up. He's come so far
He pitched in last night's game, he has such beautiful strength and so much
power in his arm, he needs to learn to control it and to calm down. He puts
so much pressure on himself when he pitches...took him a few pitches to get the first batter out... .. 2nd batter up, 3 beautiful pitches and batter out!!!! 3rd batter, strike 1, strike 2, and damn, batter hit's 3rd pitch, pop up fly right in front of the mound... my son run's up, dives for the ball, and catches just before it hits the ground. It litterally brought a tear to my eye. Never have I been more proud of him. The stands went wild... people were standing and clapping and cheering!!! A very proud moment for him.. and for me...
Two more games for the girl child in soccer, she's doing well, not bad really for her first
"organized" sport. I dont think she realized how much running is involved w/soccer. She has made a few beautiful passes, she just needs to be a little more aggressive and not afraid to get kicked. Im so proud of her too.. she's come a long way since that first practice 2 months ago.
Other than that.. things are so ho hum right now.. between work, sports, homework, cooking, laundry (which is never ending) house work, and trying to get some me time. I have nothing overly exciting to report. Ho Hum.. another boring day in my life... its just over and over and over again.. mundane!!!
So, on to other things... (random finger thoughts here) Alot of thought going thru my head lately never sure how to express exactly how I feel, or what Im thinking and when I do try to express myself it seems that my words come out all jumbled and confusing. I have a lack of communication skills maybe. I either say it to blunt and hurt someone's feelings, or I just clam up and make a joke out of it. Either way probably isnt the appropriate way but hell, thats me, dont like it your problem not mine. But still there has to be a way that is more endearing or caring or whatever.
So my oldest dearest friend calls the other day and tells me she is sick of her husband. She wants to leave him.. ok I say.. where you going, who you staying with, when do you want me to help you move.... Now of course Im not going to make excuses for him, I will support her, as she has been my friend for 20+ yrs (damn that just dated me) he's much younger than she, she has one child from a previous relationship and then they have one together. The way he treats those kids differently really pisses me off. I understand one is his and the other isnt, and I understand that he feels intimidated by the oldest child I mean lets face it, he dropped out in 8th grade, can barely read or write, and the oldest is in 5th, and way to smart for her own good. I understand he is trying to prove his "maleness" in the house, but DAMN!!!!! dont be such an asshole!! He wont listen, all he does is yell, and when he drinks.. holy shit... instant Asshole, just add alcohol... I like him I do.. he has a place in my heart, he's a good guy, really he is.. but.. there are things that I do not agree with. I keep my mouth shut for the most part, until he says or does something to me, my kids, his oldest step child or to my friend... then, well.. the she-bitch is unleashed... so far, I have not gone off on himto terribaly bad.. but I can feel deep w/in me the day is coming. They will end up divorced because she is so much older and mature and he is still a young pup. I feel for her.. I really do.. I just wish she would realize that co-dependancy is a disease & hinderance.. and that her relationship w/her husband is jeopardizing the relationship w/her oldest.
Ok.. anyhow.. love.. what is it? seriously? 3 little words that have a very deep and complicated definition. I once thought I had found it, I once thought I knew what it ment. But that was a long time ago. Today, I dont have any understanding of it. I thought I was in love about a year ago. Then I realized I was in love w/the thought of being in love. Two very seperate things. So what is it?
Yeah..still dont know..
so.. I will leave you with that question today.. or tomorrow...or for whenever you come up with an answer. Let me know.. Im dying to find out!
Peace everyone
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Questions to Ponder
My last post was concerning my vacation...
and w/in it I stated that I am a supporter of the war.
For reason's of my own.
However a friend of mine posted a comment and had some valid questions
so Mason, I will answer your questions, if not just because you hold a special
place w/in my heart....
Mason's Comment:
You are a very strong a powerful spirit. Thank you Mason.. that means something to me.
But, why do you support the war? I feel that it is w/in our rights as the country that came under attack from some barbaric forces to defend what is ours.
If your son was old enough to be drafted, would you support it still? Well...that's a double edged sword isnt it. But yes.. I would...
Would you support him killing other people because they don't like us? They dont kill just to kill Mason.. they kill to survive, and to remove those on this earth that wish to do harm. There is a differance between a cold murderer and someone who is doing their duty
There are a lot of people that don't like America, but why waste our time killing them? Why do they waste their time in killing Americans? Why do they waste their time on raping and maming and wasting what God has given them?
I just don't see any love in wanting to kill or hurt anyone. There is no love in it.. except for the love of your country and your fellow Americans. Except for the love in wanting to protect what is yours and to make sure that what you leave behind is a better future and tomorrow for their children, your children, my children. To make sure that their is a tomorrow for everyone.
If you have to defend yourself, that is one thing. they are defending themselves, and they are defending you, your neighbors, those that fight do it for their own reasons. They are not doing it just for the hell of it... they do it because they believe in it.
But to go over to someone elses country and kill them becuase they don't like you, well, that doesn't sound to good to me.Do you know what I mean? But yet, they came over to our country, and killed us? So, for America to turn tail and run? No... I dont think so... what makes it ok for others to come to our country.. our land of the free... those of us w/in the USA that have given them jobs, education, freedom... and then for them to blow up our people? Does that make it ok?
War.What is it good for?Peace? Yes... overall the outcome should be Peace...but some things, do take time, tears & sweat.. it will NOT happen over night
Why can't we all live in it? Mason, honey.. there will never be peace.. never has been.. and it wont happen.. but, you must fight for what you believe in. Whether that be helping others, hugging a tree, developing the cure for uncurable disease, or going to war with those that threaten you.... it's the way of the world... deal with it!
But we can practice peace with our families and friends. Yes.. you are correct here.. practice peace w/in our families.. with our friends and strangers you encounter on the street... but DO NOT attack what is ours.. because if you do.. just as Toby Keith states.. We will put a boot in your ass!!!!
And respect those different from us. Did we ask them to come to our homeland and attack us? Like a load of chicken shits? come in the back door and blow us away? To kill 3000+ of our brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/grandchildren? No.. we did not. So to sit back and do NOTHING... is NOT the American way... we defend what is ours... we figth to maintain F R E E D O M!!!
There are going to be alot that disagree with me. And Im ok with that. That's one of the best things about America. We have the freedom of speech. We have the freedom to disagree and the freedom to free press. The freedom to be who we are. We are off all races.. all religions, all creeds.. America as a whole is one large melting pot of Human Beings...
That's my story.. and Im sticking to it!!!
Peace!!!
and w/in it I stated that I am a supporter of the war.
For reason's of my own.
However a friend of mine posted a comment and had some valid questions
so Mason, I will answer your questions, if not just because you hold a special
place w/in my heart....
Mason's Comment:
You are a very strong a powerful spirit. Thank you Mason.. that means something to me.
But, why do you support the war? I feel that it is w/in our rights as the country that came under attack from some barbaric forces to defend what is ours.
If your son was old enough to be drafted, would you support it still? Well...that's a double edged sword isnt it. But yes.. I would...
Would you support him killing other people because they don't like us? They dont kill just to kill Mason.. they kill to survive, and to remove those on this earth that wish to do harm. There is a differance between a cold murderer and someone who is doing their duty
There are a lot of people that don't like America, but why waste our time killing them? Why do they waste their time in killing Americans? Why do they waste their time on raping and maming and wasting what God has given them?
I just don't see any love in wanting to kill or hurt anyone. There is no love in it.. except for the love of your country and your fellow Americans. Except for the love in wanting to protect what is yours and to make sure that what you leave behind is a better future and tomorrow for their children, your children, my children. To make sure that their is a tomorrow for everyone.
If you have to defend yourself, that is one thing. they are defending themselves, and they are defending you, your neighbors, those that fight do it for their own reasons. They are not doing it just for the hell of it... they do it because they believe in it.
But to go over to someone elses country and kill them becuase they don't like you, well, that doesn't sound to good to me.Do you know what I mean? But yet, they came over to our country, and killed us? So, for America to turn tail and run? No... I dont think so... what makes it ok for others to come to our country.. our land of the free... those of us w/in the USA that have given them jobs, education, freedom... and then for them to blow up our people? Does that make it ok?
War.What is it good for?Peace? Yes... overall the outcome should be Peace...but some things, do take time, tears & sweat.. it will NOT happen over night
Why can't we all live in it? Mason, honey.. there will never be peace.. never has been.. and it wont happen.. but, you must fight for what you believe in. Whether that be helping others, hugging a tree, developing the cure for uncurable disease, or going to war with those that threaten you.... it's the way of the world... deal with it!
But we can practice peace with our families and friends. Yes.. you are correct here.. practice peace w/in our families.. with our friends and strangers you encounter on the street... but DO NOT attack what is ours.. because if you do.. just as Toby Keith states.. We will put a boot in your ass!!!!
And respect those different from us. Did we ask them to come to our homeland and attack us? Like a load of chicken shits? come in the back door and blow us away? To kill 3000+ of our brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/grandchildren? No.. we did not. So to sit back and do NOTHING... is NOT the American way... we defend what is ours... we figth to maintain F R E E D O M!!!
There are going to be alot that disagree with me. And Im ok with that. That's one of the best things about America. We have the freedom of speech. We have the freedom to disagree and the freedom to free press. The freedom to be who we are. We are off all races.. all religions, all creeds.. America as a whole is one large melting pot of Human Beings...
That's my story.. and Im sticking to it!!!
Peace!!!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Vacation Come & Gone
Well we made it safe and sound from our vacation.
The wee ones and I left on the night of 4/9/06 returned on 4/17/06
Headed out for our first "family" vacation.
What an adventure...my 9 yr olds first cross
country flight.. Left Seattle at 12:34 am (red eye flights)
of course our plane was suppose to leave at 11, and was delayed over an hr
mechanical problems and it had to return to Phoenix before coming to Seattle
yeah.. made me feel a little uncomfortable...but hell.. were still alive!!!
Landed in Philly at 8:01 am.. ( we were so tired)
had enough time to make our connecting flight.. and headed to Baltimore
Landed in Baltimore.. my Mommy picked us up..
and we were headed off to the land of the unknown
Of course, my Mom couldn't get that day off work, so she dropped us off at her
house for us to get some much needed rest and she was off to finish up her day.
Now, to remind you.. my kids are 9 & 12... they slept just fine on the plane, I on the other
hand did not (as I cant sleep on planes) so they were ready to go!!!
I wanted to just lay down, close my eyes, and call it a day...or night..or whatever...just let me sleep!!!
I finally threatened them w/in an inch of their lives and we all slept wonderfully for almost 3 hrs!!!!! YES!!!!
The next day... we were well rested and ready to go...
sight seeing is a work out on it's own. Especially in Washington DC during Spring Break,
and right after they had some rally for the new Imagratution Laws that are trying to be passed.
Im not even going to comment on that!!!
So.. quick rundown... we visited Washington DC, The Mall, which is the stretch from the White House to the Jefferson Monument.. or is it the Lincoln? Hmmm... the Smithsonian, saw the Declaration of Independence (my daughters Great Uncle signed it on her dads side... not sure what # of the Great Uncle is.. but he's on there)
Mt. Vernon, George Washington's house...
National Zoo in D.C.
Hershey, PA... huge amusement park
Vietnam Memorial
Korean Memorial
Arlington National cemetery...
this I will comment on.. as they had the most heart wrenching memorial for all the lives lossed in our current conflict: Iraq
Now... I am a supporter of the War... These men and women of our military all died doing what they believed in, supporting what they may/may not believe in..but I believe they did it for one reason and one reason only... Defending our country... and for that, I thank them
This memorial really pulled at my heart strings..for a few reasons, one.. Some were so young..
just barely 18, 19, 20.... and families that were left behind, loved ones lost.
There is one that is a picture w/in my mind, the picture of the Soldier who was killed, and attached to it, was a picture of his daughter resting her head against his tombstone, and on the back it stated.. " I miss you Daddy.. and I love you"
We have all lost loved ones.. but I personally have never had one "taken" from me in war or violence..just old age... and I have never lost a loved one at a really young age
Im not sure what Im really trying to say here... but.. Thank you to our Armed Forces for defending the U.S.A. without you Men & Women.. Im not sure what type of world we would currently live in.
Anyhow.. to move on...
a lot of sight seeing, a lot of walking, and ALOT of rude ass people...
I hate people.. and you get rude w/me or my kids.. better watch out..
cuz I will get ya back..
Im in need of another vacation now.. one that is mind numbing, and restful..Preferably w/out
the kids!
Later Taters... Peace
The wee ones and I left on the night of 4/9/06 returned on 4/17/06
Headed out for our first "family" vacation.
What an adventure...my 9 yr olds first cross
country flight.. Left Seattle at 12:34 am (red eye flights)
of course our plane was suppose to leave at 11, and was delayed over an hr
mechanical problems and it had to return to Phoenix before coming to Seattle
yeah.. made me feel a little uncomfortable...but hell.. were still alive!!!
Landed in Philly at 8:01 am.. ( we were so tired)
had enough time to make our connecting flight.. and headed to Baltimore
Landed in Baltimore.. my Mommy picked us up..
and we were headed off to the land of the unknown
Of course, my Mom couldn't get that day off work, so she dropped us off at her
house for us to get some much needed rest and she was off to finish up her day.
Now, to remind you.. my kids are 9 & 12... they slept just fine on the plane, I on the other
hand did not (as I cant sleep on planes) so they were ready to go!!!
I wanted to just lay down, close my eyes, and call it a day...or night..or whatever...just let me sleep!!!
I finally threatened them w/in an inch of their lives and we all slept wonderfully for almost 3 hrs!!!!! YES!!!!
The next day... we were well rested and ready to go...
sight seeing is a work out on it's own. Especially in Washington DC during Spring Break,
and right after they had some rally for the new Imagratution Laws that are trying to be passed.
Im not even going to comment on that!!!
So.. quick rundown... we visited Washington DC, The Mall, which is the stretch from the White House to the Jefferson Monument.. or is it the Lincoln? Hmmm... the Smithsonian, saw the Declaration of Independence (my daughters Great Uncle signed it on her dads side... not sure what # of the Great Uncle is.. but he's on there)
Mt. Vernon, George Washington's house...
National Zoo in D.C.
Hershey, PA... huge amusement park
Vietnam Memorial
Korean Memorial
Arlington National cemetery...
this I will comment on.. as they had the most heart wrenching memorial for all the lives lossed in our current conflict: Iraq
Now... I am a supporter of the War... These men and women of our military all died doing what they believed in, supporting what they may/may not believe in..but I believe they did it for one reason and one reason only... Defending our country... and for that, I thank them
This memorial really pulled at my heart strings..for a few reasons, one.. Some were so young..
just barely 18, 19, 20.... and families that were left behind, loved ones lost.
There is one that is a picture w/in my mind, the picture of the Soldier who was killed, and attached to it, was a picture of his daughter resting her head against his tombstone, and on the back it stated.. " I miss you Daddy.. and I love you"
We have all lost loved ones.. but I personally have never had one "taken" from me in war or violence..just old age... and I have never lost a loved one at a really young age
Im not sure what Im really trying to say here... but.. Thank you to our Armed Forces for defending the U.S.A. without you Men & Women.. Im not sure what type of world we would currently live in.
Anyhow.. to move on...
a lot of sight seeing, a lot of walking, and ALOT of rude ass people...
I hate people.. and you get rude w/me or my kids.. better watch out..
cuz I will get ya back..
Im in need of another vacation now.. one that is mind numbing, and restful..Preferably w/out
the kids!
Later Taters... Peace
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Eye Candy
My son has discovered the opposite sex.
He has realized that women are not just there to take care of him
but that they are something to look at, admire, and dream about.
For example...
we were at the grocery store, and per usual I do the shopping as he sustains
himself in the magazine section, until he walks over to me and asks me for $10..
"for what" I ask him
"for a magazine" my loving 12 yr old says to me
"what magazine" I ask him
" just a magazine Mom" my loving 12 yr old says
" I understand its a magazine honey, but what magazine" I ask him
" Do you have to know everything, gosh, can I have my allowance early" my pre-puberty 12 yr old says to me
Then he looks at me, gives me the pitiful eyes and lower lip, and says...
"please Mommy"
Well what does a mother say?
What does a mother do?
I could put the law down and say HELL NO
or, I could acknowledge the fact that he is no longer a little boy
he is growing up. And if he doesn't get it from me.. he's gonna get it
from someone, somewhere...somehow..
Hell, his uncle has already taken him to Hooters
and taught him the true meaning of "Eye Candy"
and I have caught him surfing the internet looking at pictures
of nudity... (reminds me, I need to put those parental blockers up)
So, I bought my pre-adolescent, the swimsuit addition of Sports Illustrated
did you know Heidi Klum is just wearing paint???!!!!!
And I am acknowledging the fact that my sweet, loving, caring boy is turning slowly
into a man. And that I am getting old!
He has realized that women are not just there to take care of him
but that they are something to look at, admire, and dream about.
For example...
we were at the grocery store, and per usual I do the shopping as he sustains
himself in the magazine section, until he walks over to me and asks me for $10..
"for what" I ask him
"for a magazine" my loving 12 yr old says to me
"what magazine" I ask him
" just a magazine Mom" my loving 12 yr old says
" I understand its a magazine honey, but what magazine" I ask him
" Do you have to know everything, gosh, can I have my allowance early" my pre-puberty 12 yr old says to me
Then he looks at me, gives me the pitiful eyes and lower lip, and says...
"please Mommy"
Well what does a mother say?
What does a mother do?
I could put the law down and say HELL NO
or, I could acknowledge the fact that he is no longer a little boy
he is growing up. And if he doesn't get it from me.. he's gonna get it
from someone, somewhere...somehow..
Hell, his uncle has already taken him to Hooters
and taught him the true meaning of "Eye Candy"
and I have caught him surfing the internet looking at pictures
of nudity... (reminds me, I need to put those parental blockers up)
So, I bought my pre-adolescent, the swimsuit addition of Sports Illustrated
did you know Heidi Klum is just wearing paint???!!!!!
And I am acknowledging the fact that my sweet, loving, caring boy is turning slowly
into a man. And that I am getting old!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Old Memories = Good Times
Waking up this morning in my fogged sleep mind
bits and pieces of my dream started to come back to me,
I was dreaming about an old memory, back to the day I met
the first man I ever fell in love with. I was 16, well barely 16.
I met Jim, on a crisp fall day, after school, I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday
and he was almost 24. Most would say, he was a pedophilia. I say, he was gorgeous,
kind, sincere, sensitive, and well... the one.
He literally swept me off of my feet that afternoon, took my breath away, we talked
for hours sitting at the park, we laughed & talked and it was as if, I had known him for years.
As if, he had been waiting for me forever.
Ok, now at this young tender age, what did I know about love? What did I know about being a grown-up, about being mature? Well the nice thing about it, is I didn't have to be a grown up, I didn't have to act mature. He wanted me for me. He didn't expect for me to change, and he didn't try to mold me into something that I wasn't. He wanted ME... Not someone else.
Once he found out I wasn't 16 yet, he told me that we couldn't start dating until that point. Ok, but had I ever told him that we would date?
2 weeks later, the day before my 16th birthday, his best friend Mark walked up to me, asked me if the following day was my birthday, I said yes, and he stated to me... " Tomorrow, your Jim's new girl!"
No question, no comments, and so mote it be.
I was ecstatic!!! The day I had dreamt about... I belonged to someone...
Jim and I started dating, and everything was great, he treated me like a queen
he placed me on a pedestal, and lavished me with small gifts, his laughter, his friendship
his trust. In return, I gave him everything I could, including my heart, my soul.. my all!!!
Jim and I dated off and on for almost 3 years, we had our bumpy roads, we had some of the best memories that I hope to never forget.
Now, my teen years were very turbulent.. As you have read from my first posts... I actually left home starting at 14 off and on till I was 18, I had some great times, some really scary times, and some really depressing times. But the 3 yrs I spent w/Jim.. were some of the happiest, and most highest times Ive ever had!
Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Jim was never far from my thoughts. Always a reminder of my youth and you never truly forget your true love.
I ran into him when I was about 27, years after he and I had gone our seperate ways. We rekindled a bit of the old magic, but then I realized that he wasnt truly the "one" but more along the lines of an old flame w/in my heart that would not go out. We seperated our ways and moved on in life, then when I was sitting at home one evening, I got a call from an old friend who I used to spend alot of time with, and recieved the bone chilling words that I will never forget.
"Are you alone? Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I dont know how to say this. But Jim was found yesterday morning, and he's dead."
I sat on my couch, listening to the T.V. and looking out the sliding glass doors, the rain was falling, the wind was blowing the sun was setting in the sky. And at that moment, a piece of me died w/him. A vision I will never forget, a screen shot w/in my mind of time standing still
Tears ran down my face, and scenes of yester-year flashed back like an old movie reel.
Things I had forgotte, or thought I had, remembered. Never forgotten
Memories are best never to be forgotten. He will never be lost, as long as I remember.
The laugh
The touches
The siren
The love
Forever and always James... you will always be close to my heart
and forever remembered.
bits and pieces of my dream started to come back to me,
I was dreaming about an old memory, back to the day I met
the first man I ever fell in love with. I was 16, well barely 16.
I met Jim, on a crisp fall day, after school, I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday
and he was almost 24. Most would say, he was a pedophilia. I say, he was gorgeous,
kind, sincere, sensitive, and well... the one.
He literally swept me off of my feet that afternoon, took my breath away, we talked
for hours sitting at the park, we laughed & talked and it was as if, I had known him for years.
As if, he had been waiting for me forever.
Ok, now at this young tender age, what did I know about love? What did I know about being a grown-up, about being mature? Well the nice thing about it, is I didn't have to be a grown up, I didn't have to act mature. He wanted me for me. He didn't expect for me to change, and he didn't try to mold me into something that I wasn't. He wanted ME... Not someone else.
Once he found out I wasn't 16 yet, he told me that we couldn't start dating until that point. Ok, but had I ever told him that we would date?
2 weeks later, the day before my 16th birthday, his best friend Mark walked up to me, asked me if the following day was my birthday, I said yes, and he stated to me... " Tomorrow, your Jim's new girl!"
No question, no comments, and so mote it be.
I was ecstatic!!! The day I had dreamt about... I belonged to someone...
Jim and I started dating, and everything was great, he treated me like a queen
he placed me on a pedestal, and lavished me with small gifts, his laughter, his friendship
his trust. In return, I gave him everything I could, including my heart, my soul.. my all!!!
Jim and I dated off and on for almost 3 years, we had our bumpy roads, we had some of the best memories that I hope to never forget.
Now, my teen years were very turbulent.. As you have read from my first posts... I actually left home starting at 14 off and on till I was 18, I had some great times, some really scary times, and some really depressing times. But the 3 yrs I spent w/Jim.. were some of the happiest, and most highest times Ive ever had!
Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Jim was never far from my thoughts. Always a reminder of my youth and you never truly forget your true love.
I ran into him when I was about 27, years after he and I had gone our seperate ways. We rekindled a bit of the old magic, but then I realized that he wasnt truly the "one" but more along the lines of an old flame w/in my heart that would not go out. We seperated our ways and moved on in life, then when I was sitting at home one evening, I got a call from an old friend who I used to spend alot of time with, and recieved the bone chilling words that I will never forget.
"Are you alone? Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I dont know how to say this. But Jim was found yesterday morning, and he's dead."
I sat on my couch, listening to the T.V. and looking out the sliding glass doors, the rain was falling, the wind was blowing the sun was setting in the sky. And at that moment, a piece of me died w/him. A vision I will never forget, a screen shot w/in my mind of time standing still
Tears ran down my face, and scenes of yester-year flashed back like an old movie reel.
Things I had forgotte, or thought I had, remembered. Never forgotten
Memories are best never to be forgotten. He will never be lost, as long as I remember.
The laugh
The touches
The siren
The love
Forever and always James... you will always be close to my heart
and forever remembered.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Courageous Children
Driving in to work this morning, the rain has finally gone, and the sun was shinning, which was causing a traffic delay on the freeway as it was so bright and beautiful that it was blinding.
Listening to 106.1 over the last few days as they were doing their marathon for Childhood Disease's trying to raise money for the Childrens Hospital in Seattle (great cause donate now) , and realized as I was looking at the blinding sun rays, that I my life does have purpose, and I still have my children.
Im listening to Bender yesterday afternoon, as he plays back an interview w/an 8 yr old boy, who had cancer. Listening to the brave voice and words of a child who was so sick, but kept up such a brave front for everyone around him. Who defined in my eyes the true meaning of courage. As I am driving, I started to cry, thinking of my own children, and unable to even imagine for a second what it would be like to have to bury my child at the young tender age of 8.
After the interview w/this 8yr old (his name was Kevin) Bender the radio host starts to interview the father of this courageous child and you can hear the tears in his voice. Both the radio host and the father crying, talking about Kevin. And I realized, that I just needed to say Thank you to God. Selfish of me I know.. But, Thank you God, for not putting my family through such a horrific event.
To Kevin's family, the courageous 8 yr old, who lost his battle to cancer just before Christmas 2005. I am so very sorry for your loss.
To anyone who reads this. There are so many children out there, who have to fight day to day to just stay alive, to breath w/out pain and use every ounce of their being to wake up every morning.
Please donate to the Childrens Hospistal either w/in your own local community or here in Seattle. The monies go to research to find a cure for childhood disease so that these children can have a better chance at survival and to be able to wake up tomorrow w/out the worries and concerns that they currently have.
Please... support your local Childrens Hospital.
Fight today!!! For a better Tomorrow!!
http://www.seattlechildrens.org
Listening to 106.1 over the last few days as they were doing their marathon for Childhood Disease's trying to raise money for the Childrens Hospital in Seattle (great cause donate now) , and realized as I was looking at the blinding sun rays, that I my life does have purpose, and I still have my children.
Im listening to Bender yesterday afternoon, as he plays back an interview w/an 8 yr old boy, who had cancer. Listening to the brave voice and words of a child who was so sick, but kept up such a brave front for everyone around him. Who defined in my eyes the true meaning of courage. As I am driving, I started to cry, thinking of my own children, and unable to even imagine for a second what it would be like to have to bury my child at the young tender age of 8.
After the interview w/this 8yr old (his name was Kevin) Bender the radio host starts to interview the father of this courageous child and you can hear the tears in his voice. Both the radio host and the father crying, talking about Kevin. And I realized, that I just needed to say Thank you to God. Selfish of me I know.. But, Thank you God, for not putting my family through such a horrific event.
To Kevin's family, the courageous 8 yr old, who lost his battle to cancer just before Christmas 2005. I am so very sorry for your loss.
To anyone who reads this. There are so many children out there, who have to fight day to day to just stay alive, to breath w/out pain and use every ounce of their being to wake up every morning.
Please donate to the Childrens Hospistal either w/in your own local community or here in Seattle. The monies go to research to find a cure for childhood disease so that these children can have a better chance at survival and to be able to wake up tomorrow w/out the worries and concerns that they currently have.
Please... support your local Childrens Hospital.
Fight today!!! For a better Tomorrow!!
http://www.seattlechildrens.org
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