Rainy Weather

The Great Northwest gets it's share of rainy weather.. Im ok w/that.. Im actually one of those weird people who enjoy the rain. Rain cleans the soul, the earth, waters all the dead brown grass. Keeps our trees, shrub and plant alive.
Washes away all the dirt on the road. And I love the smell.. I cant explain it, but to me.. it's a smell of cleanlyness.

I love a good storm. Thunder & lightening.. the sounds that come and watching the sky light up.
The Pacific Northwest doenst tend to get alot of these types of storms, however when we do recieve natures rath.. she lets us have it! Over the weekend we had some thunder that sounded as if someone was standing outside my bedroom smackin a huge piece of metal w/a hammer. I have never heard thunder quit like this. The sound just vibrated thru me and then I watched the sky light up! Awesome.. I dont know how else to explain it.

Last night.. No lightening.. not in my area.. and the thunder was very minimul. However there were other elements that were just as powerful. The wind & rain were whipping about.... I could hear things crashing to the ground, I heard a tree limb fall and hit the fence. The dogs were howling, not only mine in the house barking, but I could here the coyotes outside. Or maybe it was just the wind that I heard.

Mother nature is so powerful. A force to be reckoned with in itself. She knocked our power out. Toppled a few tree's, caused a mud slide, flooding in multiple area's. And yet... she can be so beautiful too.

Yes.. Im weird. I love the rain.. I love the thunder the lightening...
It holds such Power!!!!

Peace..
Happy Monday to all!!!!

Reno ~ BUSTED!!!!

I took a mini vacation.. paid for by my father.
Which.. in itself, is a miracle.. as daddy is a bit of a tight wad!!!
All parties involved.. my brother M his wife J
My brother B and his wife J.. (so she will be known from here on as WJ)
and my Daddy and steppen Mommy

So here is a quick run-down...

~ Friday ~

Arrieved at the Hotel around 4ish..
got in my room.. freshened up..headed on out
so I hit the Casino by 5:30...
and by 7... I was down $150..
so I decided Im just gonna drink..
and I did.. drink..
then we walked..
Thru the Elderado into the Silver Legacy
into Circus Circus.. where we all proceeded to act
like small children who were never allowed to play...
we pretty much hung out at Circus Circus for 3 hrs, playing the games
winning toys and just having an over all great time..
Headed back towards our hotel.. (Harrahs)
Bed.. by 11.. I was soooo tired!!!

~ Saturday ~
My day to sleep in...awww yeah.... and wouldnt u know it.. my beautiful blue eyes popped open at 6:30 am... lovely.. so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep... 7:05 I was awake again... lovely..
I watched TV.. I relaxed, and finally woke my s-n-l (sis n law) J up at 9 and we headed to breakfast w/my steppen mommy....
then off for some shopping, souvenires for everyone..
ordered my first drink at 11:55, baileys & coffee.. and it was all down hill from there!!! :)
I proceeded to get fucked up (hey..I was on vacation and not driving.. ) I did however somewhere in the evening become the "Designated Walker"
I head back to Harrahs to go to my room for something.. and ran into my Daddy and bro M
we all decide.. ready for this.. yep yep yep.. lets go to the Tittie bar.. (my first experience mind you)
we head over to the Mens Club.. very tasteful if I may add, nice plush leather seats, waitress's that were dressed a little more than the cocktail girls at the casino! dim lighting, good music, the bouncers all wore dress slacks/white shirts and ties..
and the drinks were outreagesouly priced!!! until happy hour!! and Daddy, M and I proceeded to drink, and watch and talk.. and get fuuuuucked up!!!!
Daddy got a lap dance... damn that was funny shit..
and M.. well.. Im not really allowed to talk about it.. but.. lets say.. he had a great time..
somewhere w/in that time frame another male guest came over and asked me if I would tip the dancers for him, as he found it more exciting to watch other women tip then for him to do it.
Sure..what the hell.. Im game..
I took his money and tipped the dancers..
then tipped them some more..
all afternoon.. he kept giving me money to tip the dancers, then he latched himself onto me and I honestly believe he thought he was gonna get lucky w/me.. not a snowball's chance in hell!!!!
He kept asking Daddy & M if it was ok to talk to me.. as he didnt want to offend either of them..he was such a dork.. and lonely.. you could tell, such a lost look in his eyes.. poor lost little dork boy!
the little stripper girl came over.. and her and I started talking.. very nice young lady (as I found out.. damn Im old!!!) 22, graduates from college in May w/a Bachelors in Sociology...
she was paying her way thru school by stripping.. good for her.. very cute blonde.. damn she was tall.. (loved their shoes tho!!!!)
then another little "dancer" came over, and she was a nipple pincher.. she tried to pinch my nipples (as M told her I liked it... did I mentioin we were fuuuuucked up?)
nipple pincher complained my boobs were confined so she decided to put her hand down my shirt and grab my entire breast.. and pinch my nipple....
hmmm... damn her hands were cold!!!!!
the afternoon progressed...
and got more and more entertaining..
I get felt up by women I didnt know..
my face got smashed between a lovely pair of breast's.. and I didnt even get her name!!!
then she complained because my boobs were real and she had to pay for hers..
this was while she flopped my boobs outta my shirt and proceeded to feel me up..
in front of my dad & brother.. LOL... funny shit!!!
then she licked my neck and my ear.. hmmm...
time to go people..
we left the stip club about 5:30
headed back to the casino to meet up w/the rest of the fam-damnily..
and drink some more.... dinner time.. headed to a fab Japenese resteraunt where they cook the meal in front of you.. M had to be put to bed at 6:15.. trashed.. gone.. buh bye!!!
so Daddy, Steppen Mommy, B and myself go to dinner.. WJ (why the W? gotta tell them apart somehow) was back in her hotel room w/upset tummy issues.. and J.. she's a gambler.. that's all she wanted to do.. so we went to dinner.. and proceeded to drink Saki.. WOW... interesting drink.. Saki is..
a young dumb couple sat next to me.. their first date.. he and I start talking.. then the rest of the night.. he wont stop talking to me.. my bro B and Dad are like.. hey V.. he's picking up on ya..
lovely.. poor girlfriend.... so I go into bitch mode and shoot him down..
B, steppen Mommy.. and I.. are doing Saki shots.. Bonzai!!!! every shot..
uuughhh... $300 tab later.. good dinner.. from what I remember..
Daddy goes to bed.. B & Steppen Mommy and I.. head to the craps table..
I make friends w/everyone..Im such a happy drunk..
the pit Boss.. the workers.. whatever.. I proceed to yell at a group of guys who are cussing and yelling standing behind me.. "Excuse me gentlemen.. the pit boss dont like your cussing.. please leave the casino" they look at me.. I look at them.. he goes to say something to me.. I think I shook my head no at him.. and they left.. just like that.. just walked away.. Im such a happy drunk..
We go to the bar.. and drink some more.. and some more.. and talk.. and laugh.. J joins us.. we drink some more.. WJ show's up.. crying.. and upset cuz she dont feel good.. poor girl.. didnt realize she could order room service in the middle of the night to get something to settle her tummy ( I think she has ulcers.. needs to go to the Dr)
Im not positive what time we headed out.. but it was late.. and we was drunken fools.. but you know what.. what a blast we had!!!

~ Sunday ~
Holy Shit.. I was hungover!!!!
breakfast didnt taste good..
lunch was better.. went to the Peppermill.. lost my ass..
by Sunday afternoon.. my $$$ was all gone!!!! buy bye...
had a few drinks around 2... made my tummy feel better.. hair of the dog..
Chocolate Martini.. YUCK!!! was not impressed.. malibu & pineapple juice.. yummy...
dinner... nice Italian resteraunt... damn good prime rib..
bed by 9.. sad huh??? screaming kids in the room next to me.. called the front desk aroun 11.. shut those little screamers up please.. .
alls quiet by 11:30.. nighty night!!!!

~ Monday ~
up at 6..
to the airport.. 2 hr delay into Seattle.. why???? well rain of course.. cuz that's what it does here.. it rains.. high winds.. flooding.. typical.. whatever..
finally got home by 5:30.. just in time for kick off..
oh.. yeah.. Seahawks kicked Raiders ASS!!!! thank you.. GO HAWKS!!!!!
love our team from time to time..
bed time... nighty night..

A fun time was had by all.. that was the first vacation that Dad, M & B & I had taken in 26 yrs...
good time.. great memories..
but I still lost my ass!!!!

Peace

Spooks/Ghouls & night creatures

Ah.. Halloween.. Im not a huge fan...
Last night my daughter reminds me as we are leaving the gym that I havnt gotten her a Halloween costume yet... (bad bad bad Mommy)

So we rush over to Party City... and rush into a hord of people who are all just like me and waiting til the last minute to accomplish what needs to be done for their little demons.......
Of course.. we got slim pickin's...
Tinkerbelle???? doesnt fit...
A devil.... no.. to cold
An ange... so not her
A Baby... to normal
so forth and so on.. she pulled out costumes.. she tried them on.. she carried things around.. she would put them back..
After an Hr... I say..
Forget it.. you can go as yourself.. lets get out of here!!!!

Mind you.. I have my costume.. a pink fuzzy hat, beads, and Margarita sunglasses.. Im Mardi Gras baby!!!

My daughter decides....................... Clown
thats it.. a clown..
hair, socks, makeup, tie, shoe covers, suspenders... and gawd only know's what else cuz I dont remember...
We finally get out of there...
and only spent $80!!!! on what?????

so.. a little scary story to share:

4 yrs ago... I awoke to a noise in the apartment... a deep male voice saying
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
now.. hmm.... since it was just me and my kids.. and no grown men.. yeah.. got a little freaked..
and I hear again... " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
I sit up in bed, and think to myself.. where are the kids.. my daughter was in bed w/me, as she had crawled in w/me.. and my son was in his room.. or was he???
I get up quietly.. I grab my bat and head into the hall way..
There is my son... standing in his bedroom door.. looking down the hall way and says to me
"There is a man in the front room Mom, go back to bed, I have it under control!"
Excuse me...???? Go back to bed??? You have it under control???? Mind you, my wee little boy is normally afraid of his shadow...and he was only like 10 at the time..
and I hear again...
"I SAID, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! NOW!!!!"
I flip on the hall light..
and there is NOONE there.. I checked the whole house..
noone.. anywhere.. doors locked.. all windows locked.. empty.. beside me & the kids..
I go back to my son.. and he's curled up on the floor in my room next to my bed..
I wake him up..
he looks at me and says..
"Mom.. there was a man floating in the hall way.. did you make him leave????"
"yeah baby... he's gone.. get in bed"

The next morning.. he remembers nothing...
He doesnt remember the voice... he doesnt remember curling up on the floor..
all he remembers is that his room got really cold.. and he couldnt get warm...

Where did the voice come from?????

Happy Tricking!!!!
Hope everyone gets a treat!!!

Peace

TGIM!!!

Yep.. Thank Gawd it's Monday.. and my weekend is over!

Saturday evening... Halloween party was actually fun. Good Times were had by all.. little drama.. but not much.. well except for S is no longer talking to me. Cuz I had enough and called her on her shit, in front of J.. and other friends.

Yep..Im the bitch..
Yep... I put a stop to everything
Yep.. Im ok with it.

Did I do the right thing? Probably not.. but.. grow up.. be mature.. be a fucking ADULT!!!
it's ok to look and to admire..
it is not ok to touch.. that is going over the limits..
she touched..
I said something..

J.. well... he and I talked exstensively on Sunday.. and he just wants to make sure that I believe and trust him. He said that he really wants me to believe and trust him, it's important to him, I dont understand why.. but.. I do.. because as of yet, he has done nothing to where that would be null and void.
I informed him.. he looses my trust, then there is no friendship! He will cease to exist to me.

I dont know what to beleive..
what I hate to admit.. is that... he's a good guy.. decent..fun to hang with and I enjoy his company.
Since another gentlemen that I would really like to enjoy has disappeared yet again in my life. I could easily pass the time w/J...that scares me.....

Anyhow..
S blamed the whole thing on me.. of course she did.. that's fine.. I told her Im done.. I cant continue on this fucked up path that seems to be the road her and I contineousely walk down together. I refuse to accept the blame.. she is an adult, and can make her own choices/decisions. Nice thing about taking responsibility for your actions.. you have a choice.. and she choose what she did..

Im saddened at the turn of events tho. Because it put her in a totally different light than what Ive always known her to be.
I dont know how to deal with that.
The fact that I told her I liked J...(so that she would think twice b4 reacting the way she did) and to know that she would hit on him anyway..
1) while she's married
2) when there are others around
3) knowing that me, her BF, is in "like" w/him.. and she did it anyway...

I need new friends I think!

Devils Advocate!!

Yep..thats me, Devils Advocate.. or.. am I just adding fuel to the fire?
Or both???

So, last night S & I are sittin' around, having a few drinks talking. She's telling me about her messed up life.. so forth and so on... and me in my brilliant wisdom..
lets txt J..
dumb dumb dumb..

long story short.. tomorrow night J & I and some other friends were going to go to a Halloween party.. my friend got sick.. so she has cancelled, I informed J to come up w/plan B.. and he asked if I had.. and I had.. and me in my stupid buzzed state invited him along.
Now.. you would think.. whats the big????

Well S & her husband will be there!!! dumb dumb dumb duuuuumb!!!!
he say's its no big deal, he wont hit on her, he says he's past it..
she is overly excited cuz she gets to see him.
and Im right dab stuck in the fucking middle of it.. why?
well duh..I put myself there...why???
Two reasons... one.. they need to get the fuck past it..
two..she asked for it.. I just figured it will be better w/her husband there..
right?
wrong?

Well? dont hold back.. tell me your thoughts..
wait..am I in high school again????

I got Tagged...

Tagged

I got Tagged!!!! This one was from ~D~...
My first Tag... sweet!!!! here we go.. hold on for the ride

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Where to start.. um.. he didnt realize that having another baby while w/me was a no no.. he didnt realize that stealing all the money from my purse and wiping out my checking account and totalling my car was a no-no.. I guess he just didnt realize that he should stop breathing and leave this earth... go away and never return again.. then again.. I realized to late what a dumb ass he is!!

2. When was the last time you shaved? Every morning in the shower.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? just gettin to work, gettin my breakfast, coffee, and opening everything up.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading ~D~'s blog, checking email

5. Are you any good at math? hm...lets think about this.. NO!!!!

6. Your prom night? Was not attended by me... I was probably sitting in some back alley, smoking a bowl or doing a line.. (see previous posts)

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Rumor has it, that I may be related to Rober The Bruce (King of Scotland) havnt been able to confirm that.. but.. who knows

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Yep..and took me FOREVER to pay off!!!

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Yep...

10. Last thing received in the mail? a dentist bill... lovely...

11. How many different beverages have you had today? coffee.. just IV drip the coffee into my veins.. that will do pig..that will do!!

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? depends on who Im calling

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? hmmm... that was a long ass time ago.. I believe it was Areosmith... from what I remember it was a good concert!!

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? no.. but I draw weird little designs

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? getting my braces tightened my freshmen yr of high school.. that fucking dentist wrenched so hard on my teeth that I ended up hitting him. Needless to say, he told my mother to find a new orthodontist :)

16. What is out your back door? the yard.. fenced in, with to many freakin dogs running around...

17. Any plans for Friday night? taking my daughter to her first concert. She loves country music, so Im taking her to see Jodee Messina...

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? yep.. to much popcorn..but yummy

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? um.. dont think so

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? yeah.. I can get 2 showers outta one towel

22. Some things you are excited about? excited about? Im going to Reno next weekend.. Im excited about that.. other than that.. not much..I lead a boring life!!!

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Im gonna use the same answer here from ~D~.. I don’t eat jello anymore. I got grossed out when I found out what jello is. however.. jello is ok when there are shots involved!! JELLO SHOTS BABY!!!!

24. Describe your keychain(s)? it's just keys.. well until a few days ago.. my daughter put a Washington DC key ring on it that she found when cleaning her room.

25. Where do you keep your change? In the bottom of my purse.. I clean it out once a month and put it all in a large jar.. when the jar get's full the kids and I take it to one of those coin counters in the grocery store, and depending on how much is there we use it to treat ourselves to whatever. Movies, ice cream, skating.. its our fun :)

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? every Friday at our staff meeting, there are 32 in our group.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own? I have a black leather jacket, and a down green jacket.. I need a new one tho.. but.. I hate shopping

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? sunny I think.. I dont remember..that was um.. over 15 yrs ago.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? yes... I cant stand being closed in!!!


This was fun.. thanks ~D~

Drama cooled off.. and now.. he wont leave me be!!

So the drama finally cooled down..
not after my friend S's friend M called me and wanted me to give her his #
and I got all sorts of pissy again...
standing in my kitchen, and started yelling.. then I took it outside, and was still yelling
and needless to say..we have all come to an understanding..
he and I are still associating w/each other.. it has no reflection on me what he does and whom he does it with, as long as he leaves me and my friends out of it.
S & I decided that we would not discuss him anymore... and that it was a closed issue and she and I are good to go.
J keeps txtng me.... saw him last Saturday and he got pissy that I was ignoring him and not talking to him so he left early. Wanted to know what my problem was and why was I being so grouchy. I wasnt.. Im just disappointed in him, and well, he's not worth my time. I dont get it..
any ideas?


On to other notes.. I have no life!!!
oh.. wait.. hear me out before you judge..
I once befriended a girl at work...she met a guy.. they got together.. I went with her to his house once, his cousin was there.. we all started playing a board game, nothing happened, we all got a little tipsy, she decided to go to bed, the cousin went to bed too that left the BF and I sitting at the table.
I stood up, was standing in the kitchen door way, we were talking. He got up, came towards me, and put his arms around my waist and pulled me towards him and tried to kiss me. I stopped him (never mind that he is extremely attractive and I liked him)
I decided it was time to go home.
the next day I fought w/myself to determine if I should tell my friend or not.. I decided I should..and he of course denied it. So be it.
They were together off and on for a few yrs. Her friendship and mine took it's toll as she was emotionally unstable, I couldnt handle it any longer so I ended the friendship.
He and I stayed in contact, via email and phone.
Then.. one night, he and I got together, and I experienced some mind blowing sex. OMG!!
At the time, she was still my co-worker and had NO clue what was going on between he and I. They were no longer together, however she contineously was contacting him and beggin him for a 2nd chance.
Do you know how hard that is to be laying in bed w/him and listening to him talk to her. Listing to her cry and plead to give her a 2nd chance?
Then to have to face her the next day at work?

Anyhow.... he moved away for some time, to get himself in order and now, he's back.
We have seen each other since he's been back. But we have not been together since he's been back, he told me at one point that he wanted to prove to me that he was not the person he once was. That he's someone else.

I want him. I need to be with him. I could find myself totally falling for him. And that scares the hell out of me. I dont want to fall for him, because he will more than likely hurt me. Why do I think that? Because I sabatoge all my relationships. Waiting for the ineviteble to happen.
But I could find myself loving him.
And that would freak my family out. Why? Because, he's African-American! Not so much my family. But one brother and my father. They would tweak! not that they are prejudice. Just, well, stand-offish..
I have told him that I care. I dont think he believes me, because of the hard-ass core that I portray myself to be.

It scares the hell out of me.
but I would love to be in his arms right now.

Peace

Drama belongs in High School

Drama makes the world go round..

Round 2!!!
Continued..
Text messaging war!!!

me: Steppin out on your spouse/significant other is a form of cheating.. and your ok w/that?
J: How do you know she is happy? You could be obstructing her happiness!
me: What did she say to you that made you think she wasnt?
me: Ive known here for 20+ yrs... she happy... bark up another tree!!!!
J: then why does she want to see me?
me: she was flattered someone besides her hubby was paying attention to her
J: Im not buying that!
me: it wasnt for sale!

At this point, I got pissed, and I was driving ( it's really fucking hard to drive and txt message) so I called him...
Me: Hi.. look.. you dont have an effing clue what is going on w/her and her husband.. she is happy.. she get's tipsy.. she hit's on guys.. but it goes NO where from there.. deal with it.. and dont even think about it. I didnt realize you were that kind of guy..
are you really that type of guy?
J: wouldnt be the first.. or the last, what business is it of yours what she does.. or who she does it with.
me: your right.. it's none of my business.. normally.. but this is my business.. I love her hubby like a brother.. and Im a surrogate Aunt to her chilren!!!
Wow.. that's all I gotta say..Wow..
J: what are you wow'in me for
me: my opinion of you just rolled to the bottom of my shoes..you are now lower than the scum that is on the bottom of my shoe. You want to mess w/married women..be my guest, but you leave my friends out of it. Have a good evening and good bye

And I hung up!

he txt me back
J: are you going to talk to me anymore, or am I automattically a dick
me: your a dick.. and Im extremely disappointed!
J: Well Im not married so dont be mad
me: but she is!
J: True... but dont be hatin
me: Im not hatin... it takes emotions & feelings to hate another.. I feel nothing for you.. your nothing!
J: are we still on for the Halloween part?
(mutual plans were made prior to all this for me to attend a Halloween party w/a friend of mine which is where I met him)
me: Im still going
J: you dressing up?
me: nope.. so your still going?
J: yea...aint txt messaging fun?
me: it's a way to communicate
J: and it's fun too... so there!!!!

ok.. can I ask a question here now? WTF?
and yes.. I txt him back..Im so OCD (opsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to messaging..I have to answer.. I have to have the last word!!!

me: dressing up for Halloween means you can be someone your not
J: what are you trying to say?
me: look in a mirror.. be someone else!
J: it will be fun, Im looking forward to it
me: it's fun to get out of the house
J: hell yeah it is
me: yep yep

I win... !!!! I had the last word.. aww yea!!!

I called S... and told her that he wanted her #.. but I refused to play a part in it, and I told him no..she said...... are you ready.... "dont you think that is my decision to make?"
my reply..was.. yep..it's your decision.. but Im gonna play devils advocate here, and tell you.. his # is on my cell.. you want it.. fine.. dont let me find out that your seeing him, and steppin out on your hubby.. cuz if I do.. I will tell.. because I will NOT play a part in this.. and if he's willing to allow you to cheat on your hubby..what does that tell you about his character..
to which she replied.. what does that say about my character if I want to step out on my husband.. I love my husband.. I only wanted to see him again because I was drunk.. and because it's nice to feel attractive, and wanted.. from someone else beside your husband.. I dont WANT him..
And now.. she really doesnt want to see him.. (so she says)

whatever...
Im still upset.. why?
who knows..

Im still infatuated.. hopefully I will see Mr.Ib (infatuation boy)
soon.. cuz I need to feel validated.. :)

Peace!!!!

I dont get people

So.. continued on from my birthday evening...

J (the guy my friend S threw herself at)
just called..
he wants her #... he wants to see her
SHE'S FUCKING MARRIED!!!!
he didnt call me.. he called another friend of mine..
so.. I sent him a txt msg.. and told him that I would not provide him her #
because I would not play a part in breakin up her marriage, she was drunk..
and there are small children at home.. and who the hell does he think he is to want that?

Yeah..Im pissed.. then again.. to be honest w/myself.. I know why Im pissed.. we all went out last weekend.. w/out my friend S.. and I thought he and I hit it off.. stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!
I should of known.. NOONE ever goes for me..

but still.. she's married.. OMG!!!!
you cant be serious.. yeah..Im pissed.. really really pissed
and so I txt him.. and he see's nothing wrong w/it..
WTF?

OH.. Im mad at that!!!!

My Birthday evening

My day of birth.. came and went.. good day.. here's a quick run down...

Woke up early.. (why do I always wake up early on the weekends? Yet, cant get my ass outta bed in the mornings for work?)
Got my wee man to his baseball game, and we lost.. damn it!!! But, it was a good game.
Headed home, my brother was there and he made me a big birthday lunch.. B-B-Que chicken, corn on the cob, potato salad.. yummy yummy yummy...
Hung w/him for awhile.. and then went to meet my friend S for a few drinks when she got of work.. we talked, we drank and good times...
Around 6:30... time for me to get home get fancied up head to T-Town to meet some other friends.. only.. S.. doesnt want to go home, so she get's permission from her hubby to go w/me..
and the fun begins!!!!

Lord almighty did she get wasted.. and proceed to hit on every man in the bar.. especially my friend T's ex-brother in law.. which by the way, doesnt know she's married..
one thing leads to another.. and I finally have to let him know.. um.. hey.. she's married...

No..they didnt make out, they didnt sleep together.. but, hands were roaming.. and looks/winks/words were exchanged..

It's been a few weeks since that night.... and she is still talking about him.. and how she has to see him and wants me to set it up, and Im mad at that!
She's fucking married.. she said her I do.. she has a man..
leave the single ones to those that are single.. damn it!!!
Yes Ive talked to her, but she says I dont understand. Ok..what dont I understand????
Oh..that YOUR MARRIED!!!!!?????????????????

Anyhow..
Im infatuated w/someone... and I cant get him outta my mind.. and it's been along time since Ive felt this way about someone.. and Im freaked out, cuz he's beautiful.. good looking.. and hot.. and well.. Im so NOT his type.. so help me snap the fuck outta this ok?!

yeah.. work. gotta work..
peace

Happy Birthday!!! To.......

It's my birthday tomorrow..
It's my birthday tomorrow..
another year older.. but am I any wiser?
Sure I am.. hey... it's my birthday.. and if I wanna be wiser
then so be it!!!

I got into work.. and my cube is all decorated..
confetti, streamer, birthday signs...
the one that cracks me up..

Life is not passing you by.. it's trying to run you over!
LOL.. love it..

I have to vases' of roses... I love roses's.. and I never get rose's..
I got Pot o Gold chocolates..
Homemade Blackberry wine..
and...the whole dept made a huge breakfast spread..
French toast, sausage, eggs, fruit, bacon, potatoes
makin's for breakfast burritos
chocolate milk, oj, apple juice

They like me..
they really like me!!!!

Sometimes you wonder..
if your liked..
I think I am..

Peace

Everafter

I attended a funeral yesterday, and I started thinking about death ever after (or is that marriage.. diff post)

As I sat there listening to all the things that were accomplished for her 70+ years on this earth, I started to think.. what have I accomplished???? What will be remembered for my time on this earth? Will I be remembered? Im sure I will be..
But.. what do I want my memorial to be like?
I want a party!!!
Prop my dead ass up in the corner recliner, wearin' jeans/t-shirt.. throw on some sunglasses, and put a nice cold drink in my cold stiff hand... pull the keg outta the closet.. and put on some loud tunes.. I want everyone to rejoice.. that I came, I lived, I loved, and moved on..

But what am I moving on to? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?
Neither.. as Im not a believer.. once ya die.. you die.. and that's that..
my SNL (sis n law) is a believer..
She says I will go to Heaven.. but will I?
so.. here's what I came up with.. there has to be different stages to Heaven.
Because.. what about those of us.. who care, just not that much.. we kind to animals and the elderly. We dont steal, we dont kill, but yet we cuss, and have sex w/out marriage.
Well... we will get to heaven..
but instead of Heaven w/wings and halos'..
it's the servents entrance... but hey.. it's still heaven.. so all's well.

So.. when I die, I will be pulled from my death bed by a messenger of the higher power that is, given a number,and over the loud speaker.. we will hear
" Welecome to the last ride of your life... heading to your after-life, if your paper has a 1, please get off the elevator on Floor 1, servents entrance.. as you were semi good during your human existance.. you will now need to perform a number of tasks to be granted your wing's & halo's.. please step outta the elevator, and stand outside the puter gates... those with a 2.. .welecome to Heaven.. the pearly gates will be directly in front of you once the elevator doors open. Wings & halos are to the left. Thank you for riding the Everafter Express"

Im ok w/the servents quarter.. I mean hell doesnt sound like such a hot place after all.. get it.. HOT.. LOL.. I crack my ass up!!!
but hey... I look at it this way.. At least I get to taste the Philly Cream Cheese before I have to deliver it.. LMAO!!!!

Peace!!!!

5 yrs later - one day short

Im not a polital person. I have personal things in my life that keep me very busy and focused on. However, yesterday was a very sad day for our Nation. 9/11..... 5 years later
where was I?
Just rolling out of bed.. alarm clock goes off, and I hear... a 2nd plane has hit Tower 2...
moments after the first Plane hit Tower 1...
I race out of bed, and head to the TV to turn on the news.. and I sit and watch horrified at what is happening.
It takes me twice as long to get ready for work, and get the kids off to school as we are all mortified at what is happening to our Nation. Our country is under attack.

Work was null and void.. 400+ employees' sat mesmeriezed in the lunch room watching on television at the horror that was taking place...
Our President, our Leader.. was forced to leave where he was to take flight in Air Force One..
but the communication systems were down... not working appropriately.. do you think he felt helpless? I believe he did..
Cheney ok'd for any commercial flight to be shot out of the sky.. thank God that command did NOT float down to the fighter pilots in the air...

Millions of people were affected by that day 5 years ago.. Thousands of people lost their lives. I was affected. My children were affected. They were so young, they did not understand the why.. or who... I didnt understand the why or who.. but what I do understand is we couldnt just sit still and not do anything. To sit back and portray the message that we would allow for terrorist's to come into our Country and allow it to be blow apart, lives taken...Children lost their Mothers & Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Brothers, Sisters... We lost family memebers... We lost a piece of us...

I remember... and I bow my head, every night and I pray for those that have lost.. not only on 9/11 but for those that are out there fighting the fight to keep us safe.. War sometimes is the only answer.... and I will defend that until my last breath...
God Bless all our hero's... Our Nations Men & Women who put their lives on the line everyday to protect our land for our children, and our childrens children.

Amen

Who?

Who am I, you ask?
Day to day I still try to figure that out
I guard myself,
closer and closer every day
I do not trust well
Once I give myself
I give whole heart, mind, body & soul
hurt has been deliverd time and time again
and now there is a wall... bigger & stronger than any
ever built
very few have gotten thru..
those that have, are always cherished
and loved
I hide behind a wall of sarcasm & indifference..
but am I worth getting past?
I like to think so.. but, that will be up to you...
The bullshit needs to end..

Friendship's... counted on one hand

My father always used to tell me
" You can count the number of true friends you have, on one hand"
During my teen years, I always thought what did he know? He's just my dad... and knew NOTHING about being a teenager and growing up.

Then all the sudden, in my 20's I realized how intelligent my father really was.
Your true friends are the ones that you can count on for everything in life. Tho ones that will never judge you, never test you, always hold your hand (or your hair while your ill) will confide in you, and to whom you can confide in. The ones who have always been there, in good days and during dark clouds. Will love you, respect you, cherish you and support you.

But it was recently, that I truly found out who my real friends are. The ones that truly love, care, accept, respect... the ones that dont question my remarks, dont question my ideas, my thoughts, my attitude. They know why I am the way I am, they know WHO I am. I dont have to defend myself to them. They ACCEPT me.. for me!

The last few months, my eyes have been opened to those that I thought were friends. But come to find out, when I tried to share my feelings w/a few individuals that I felt our "friendship" was strained. I was informed... I was causing needless drama. WoW! Needless drama when Im trying to tell you, that I was hurt & concerned at the road our friendship was going down... ok... I have just a few words for you.
Take care, Good luck, and best of luck in all endeavors that you set out to achieve.
oh.. and one last thing.. Screw you! I will never again, bother you with my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Glad your there for everyone else.. and I apologize for ever wanting to be there for you. Guess we never had what I thought was a friendship. Your loss... not really mine. But thanks for stabbing me none-the-less....oh wait.. Needless drama.. My Bad!!!

To those that I count as my friends.. to those that KNOW me, inside and out.. to those that dont ever question who I am, or why I say some things.. thank you.. I love you.. and I appreciate you.
You are on one hand. And, No.. it's not just my middle finger... ;)

Peace

Oh..the swirling smoke haze!!!

Day 23......

and still no smoking.. although I did lapse twice.. and that's because I had a drink or two..
and well..they kind of go hand in hand.. and all my friends smoke.. so it does make it a sticky situation..
however.. it killed my throat.. and I woke up the following morning w/one hell of a smoke hangover.. I felt like there was this HUGE smoke ball on my chest.

I am done smoking.. all in all, it has been pretty easy.. I still get the urge from time to time, but if I really think about it, my chest starts to feel heavy and I have trouble breathing.
I can almost walk up 3 flights of stairs w/out getting completely winded.

It's amazing... really really amazing... food actually tastes' different.. I never realized how salty some lunch meats and cheese's are.. and I cant get enough water.

Im not as bitchy... one friend told me that I am actually nicer now.. (WTF?) reason being, is because when I smoked, I didnt care what I said, how I said it, or who I ticked off... but since quitting smoking.. I am more careful now, because I can feel the little red demon floating around inside me waiting to be released.. and I wont allow the monster out!!! LMAO..

Thanks for the support everyone.. and yes..Im still employed.. amazingly enough, even after ripping my co-workers and my boss new asses!!! Cigarettes..nasty little drugs.. it was easier to kick my drug habits in high school!!! LOL..

TTFN!!!
Peace
Me

quitting smoking

What in the hell was I thinking?
Quitting smoking is one of the harder things I think I have ever done.. ok.. well no..
there are some things in my life that have been harder..

Day 1
holy shit.. I thought I was gonna fuckin passout at my boss's fee... by 11am, I was dizzy/sweating/nervous/headache
my vision was blurred, my heart was pounding..all because I was "detoxing" my body of nicotine
what a nasty little drug... my hands were shaking.. I couldnt concentrate, all I could do was sit and think about how bad I wanted that cigarrette, that cool smoke sliding down my throat (as I smoked menthols)
I survived day 1...

Day 2
Stay the fuck out of my way!!!!
Im not in the mood for ANYONE's shit today
Im fuckin moody!!! and Fuck is my word...
I bit the heads off a number of co-workers today.. thankfully they all understand what I am doing and why I am acting this way.. they are being extremelly tollerant of my juvenile behaviour and the fact that Im slamming things around and saying Fuck it alot..
but FUCK!!!! Im full of nerves and energy and gawd who knows what the fuck else..
I just wanna pick a fight..
Luckily one of my co-workers made me take a long walk this afternoon with him.. so I could release some of my pent up frustrations.. that helped..

Day 3
It's the morning of day 3
Im feeling better..
What Im finding weird tho, is that Im having a hard time breathing.. why?
I cant catch my breath.. is it a panik attack?
is it the fact that my lungs are purging them selves from the tar pits that they currently are?
what? Anxiety attack? who knows..
The edginess is still there.. I can feel it just on the surface.. the little claws of evilness are slowly making their way around the edge and will shortly grasp it's pray and kill it.
Today hopefully will be a better day, but... luckily my co-workers and my family understand what Im going thru, this is not pretty..
Im going thru this w/a ton of gum.. and lots of coffee.. I will survive this.. it's time.. must quit.. for me.. for my kids.. for me.. for my kids..for me..for my kids

what the fuck ever.. I WILL DO IT!!!!

Care free days...

Ok.. so the past is catching up with me...
I remember when life was all about being care-free and no worries..
and I remember when I was totally pissed because my father woulndt give me enough money to go school shopping, or to blow Friday or Saturday night when I went out with my friends. Now I sit back and get totally pissed, because I work my f*ing butt off and still have problems paying the bills, and yet they are always there.

What happened to the care-free days? You know, the days you could drink from the hose, or ride in the back of the pick up truck, or ride your bike down the street w/out worrying if you gonna get a ticket because you dont have on your helmet.
What about walking late at night to run over to your friends house, picking fruit off your neighbors trees and just eating it prior to washing it... or those fresh blackberries straight off the vine.. and cherries..mmmm... seems your not allowed to do that anymore..

Dating.. wow.. I miss dating, I dont date anymore.. why not? I want to date... I want a date.. I want those feelings of new realization... of getting to know someone, of learning new things w/someone.. of just being w/someone.. oh well.. someday..

I started thinking of my past, my teen years, and some of the things Ive gone thru. Most of it self induced. Would I change any of it? No, I dont believe so..mainly because I had a damn good time. Yeah.. I drank alot, and I got caught up in drugs.. and yeah.. I did those things because I wanted to fit in w/the crowd I was "hanging" with...but you know.. I enjoyed it.. I made some good friends... and I made some bad enemies.. but because of the things I did in my life, and the road that I have traveled down.. those things made me who I am today.
And even if I do say so myself.. Im a damn good/cool/hip/hop/happenin kind of bitch.. LOL.. ( did I really just write that?)

I went to a county tradition over the weekend.. and smacked myself directly into flashback mode.. the smells of the fair, the heat, the lake, the rides..everything.. all of it.. I even saw people from my past.. those that I wished to walk away from. Granted.. my town isnt small.. we have over 3k living here ( Im sure of it) and yet, it's a small town is so true! I ran into at least 6 people Sunday, in a 3 hr stretch from my druggin/drunken days.. and W.O.W. they are still druggin/drinkin.. do people grow up?

Anyhow....Im off for another vacation..I havnt taken so many vacations in YEARS!!!
Heading to Canada... will let you know how it went.. ta ta

Peace

Wow... I just read that..

And am I really that pathetic??

Yep..guess I am..

there is more to life than all the negatives I have written
I will expand on them tomorrow..

until then.. I leave you all with..

Nighty night!!!!

We have a theme

there seems to be a theme to this blog..
that would be the big "L" word..
Love..
yep..I question it on a daily basis, there are so many types of love.. love between parent & child, love between sibling's, love between friends, love between man & women, the love you feel for a beloved pet. Yes, Love.. it's a 4 letter word, yet, it has one of the most complex definintions known to man.

Webster descirbes Love as:
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
( A sense of underlying oneness.. hmm.. is that possible? can you truly be with another human and feel as one?)
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
( Ah..here we go.. the emotion of sex and romance.. but.. just giving your body for some, does not equal love.. to some.. it's just an act.. just a "release" but it doesnt necessary mean, your in love w/that person)
Sexual passion. (Yep... again.. S.E.X.)
Sexual intercourse. (oh look..and again.. S.E.X.)
A love affair. ( A love affair... LOL.. damn.. an affair does not equal L.O.V.E... what does it truly equal though?)
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. ( yet another definition.. an intense emotional attachment... ah yes... I love my animals.. my friends.. my family... so forth

So.. again I ask.. what is it?
Mythology... is Love a Myth? Arrows of Cupid.. once shot by the arrow of Love.. you will feel it's power and the first person you see will be the true one.. the one you will feel that intense attachment to.. the one who will make your heart stop, drop to the pit of your stomach, then your heart starts again with that deep ragged breath, and beats and beats and beats, to the point where you think it's going to burst out of your chest until you feel that persons arms around you, lips to lips and carresses...can it happen?

I dont know what it is, I thought I found it once.. ok..maybe twice.. but did I? I found what I thought it was, I felt the beat of my heart everytime I looked at him, when ever he would put his arms around me I could feel the love pouring from his existence, from every pore, from all over, I felt like I belonged.. and then.. he was gone.

But was that true love? Was that what it should be?
I truly dont know anymore.
Yes I love my children.... with everything that is with in me.
I love my family...more than they can know (even if I dont talk to a part of them)
and I love those friends of mine that are there for me, and dont choose sides... and are actually the ones who love me unconcidtionally..they are far and few between...
but love w/a soul mate... yeah.. I suppose it could happen... and yeah.. I guess I have seen it happen.

Just not for me!

Peace