My heart hurts :(

I cried for the first time in months yesterday morning.
I cried...
I actually cried..
My heart hurt that bad...

Did you know, that it's really hard to drive a car with tears running down your face.
Visibility is awful!
I dont cry...
I rarely ever cry..
My Daddy always used to tell me that it's a wasted emotion and doesnt solve anything.
Action's solve your problems.. Not tears..
But yesterday I cried.

I took a weekend trip.. just me.. no kids.. and I drove to Idaho.. 5 hrs one way..
to see old friends..

the night before I left.. I saw him..
and my heart swelled.. and yet I was scared.. because I could so easily.. just crawl right into him.
I could fall.. so hard.. that I may never find "me" again...

There were about 10 of us.. laughing, eating, drinking, enjoying each others company.
Old friends of mine.. some that I hadnt seen in years..
and him..
He was married to a good friend of mine... they are no more..
as the night progressed.. people left.. or crawled into beds, and went to sleep..
we talked..
for hours.. just he and I...
about the past, the future, the now.. emotions, current situations

then he asked me.. if he could kiss me..
and he did..
and I have never felt like that before..
when his lips touched mine, I melted... my breath caught..
the wolrd tilted.. and I realized.. then and there.. I finally found him...
it felt that right :)

It probably was a mistake.. to attempt what came next..
we ended up together.. laying next to one another.. enjoying the feeling of skin..
when these words are spoken..

"I cant"
??????????

I told him it was ok..
Just lay down.. get some sleep.. relax..
That it could of been a number of things..
1) to much alcohol
2) no attraction
3) just not ready (he had been seperated for just over a year.. w/out any activities)

He said the attraction is there.. he finds me intimidating, because Im so beautiful..
he never realized how beautiful I was, because he wasnt allowed to look.. or really get to know me..I am the most beautiful person he knows...

I chalked this up to drunk talk..
I waited for him to pass out..
and went downstairs to the couch.. and slept.. for 45 min
he shows up.. curls up on the couch w/me...
and falls asleep...

hrs go by.. It's time to leave..
tell him Im leaving to make my 5 hr drive home..
gives me a little hug.. and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

I get in my car..
and I cried..
I cried half way down I-90
I cried...
My heart still hurts
I think I may cry some more

I tried to talk to him yesterday..
via txt
they were so formal

I cried some more

Finally talked to him last night.. I didnt sayanything about how I felt..
the subject was actually never brought up..
Never mentioned..

He talked..rambled really.. almost as if he was nervous..
talked about his plans.. for the year..
He included me in on alot of those plans..
Introductions need to be made w/me and all his friends..
Camping, ocean trips, trip to Cabo, weekends that need to be spent together

As friends?
Or More?
I didnt ask..

I dont know what it all ment..
5 hr trip really is alot of time for a mind to think... and think... and think..
scenerios to play over & over & over.
Decisions to be made.. and changed...

I dont know where we stand.. Im not sure if I want to know..

I dont even know what it all means... ???

I guess.. I should do what comes normal.. bury everything..
and go back to where we were..
and call it good..

not two steps back..
I need to go a whole block back..
and remain Me.. otherwise.. I will get lost again..

L.O.V.E

Many years ago I fell in love, with a man who was my everything.. he was the reason I was put onto this earth to breath. We would have great conversations about the future, where it would take us, what we would do, how to get there.. there was nothing to stop us, as long as we had each other. He was the reason why the birds sang, rainbows arch over the sky and everything was right in the world.

Until reality smacked me straight in the left eye.. and my world became a dark rainy, thundering night, and lightening streaks that nightmares were made of.

Fast forward 12 years.. the only reminiscences I have of him, is my daughter... I say "MY" daughter because I'm the one who has raised her, provided for her, supported her. Gotten up in the middle of the night with her, disciplined her, bandaged her, guided her, swatted her butt. She is mine.. not his. Always and forever mine.

He was never there.. when we found out I was pregnant.. the nightmare began.. It's when the most harshest words have ever been spoken to me.
"Your getting an abortion"
I should of known at that time I was on the doorstep of Hell.
I should of known at that time that my life was about to take a drastic downward spiral.
But.. Love cures all.... right?
No.. Love makes you blind. Love makes you stupid. Love turns you into putty in an abusers hands.

I try not to dwell on all the negative.. in some cases I wouldn't change much of my past.. If I had never of met up with him, I would of never had my daughter, if I would of never met up with him, I would of never realized how strong I could of been. If I would of never met him, I would of never over come my fear (at the time) of being alone.

The reason I bring all this up, is because he just called me.. at work..
to tell me that he's found God.. and that because of God, he has found it in his heart
to forgive me, for leaving him, in a snow storm, on the side of the road.
To also tell me that he loves me, and he's sorry for all the things he's done to me over the years and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wishes he wouldn't of screwed it up all those years ago.

He's sorry for telling me to get an abortion
He's sorry for slamming me up against the wall when I was 7 months pregnant.
He's sorry for spanking my son so hard that he left bruises
He's sorry for segregating me from my family
He's sorry for screwing around on me and getting that other chick pregnant
He's sorry for stealing from me
He's sorry for selling my only car out from under me so he could buy more drugs
He's sorry for lieing to me, cheating on me
He's sorry for never supporting "our" daughter
He's sorry for never acknowledging her
He's sorry for walking away from her
He's sorry for attempting to kidnap her
He's sorry.. he's sorry.. he's sorry

He hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive him...
Well you know what.. I can.. I can forgive
I can find it in my heart to forgive him..
I will also thank him for giving me my beautiful daughter
I can thank him for making me realize that Im a hell of alot stronger than I EVER gave
myself credit for
I can thank him for teaching me how to respect myself..
I can thank him for bringing me closer to my family
I at least can thank him for teaching me that forgiveness is one of the biggest things you can
give to another person.
Just never forget.. because once you forget, the cycle can start all over again.

I forgive you..
I hope that your life finally turns itself around, I hope that you and your family finally find each other and forgive each other.
I hope that you can forgiveness in your own soul..

Oh.. and let me know how this whole "God" thing works out for you.
God found me years ago.. I walked away from him.. what's amazing is how he continues
to support me, acknowledge me, and understand me... regardless of all the mistakes I make..
and regardless of how many time I curse at him..
You dont need a church to tell you how to pray.. or how to worship.. what you need is to actually allow him into your heart.. and your soul..
Im still trying to do that.. but he knows I still need him..
Hopefully he can do the same for you...

Thirsty Thursday

Half Nakid Thursday..

Here's a lovely shot of my boobies... w/a few random signatures...
You see, every year I attend a 24 hr fun filled biker event, about 1200 attend, and we drink, dance, eat, communicate and have see some boobies, get a little to much sun (as you can see I had a lovely sun burn.. and well just have fun...

So.. Here's ya go.. Enjoy!!!

Other than that.. life is trudging along... one pound at a time is falling from my frame.. and Im really really liking the way Im feeling!

Im getting into clothes in my closet that I havnt been able to wear in awhile.. who would of thunk.. that 15lbs would make such a HUGE difference!!!?????

although last night, I kind of went over board.. I got bored and started eating.. but I wasnt eating bad things.. just alot of 100 calories snack thingys... oh well.. I will just have to work a little harder at the gym.. which I finally started back at.. YEAH ME!!!

oh.. and Im not on a diet.. Im on a life changing mission!!!!

Thirsty Thursday..

heading to the local watering hole tonight and Im going to have a nice glass of wine.. cuz a glass of wine is only 4 points on weight watchers.. now lets hope that I dont smoke too.. cuz they kind of go hand in hand... but I can DO IT!!!!

Ok boys & girls.. enjoy your weekend..

Monday - Woo Hoo!!

Monday's I usually wake up with the dread of the beginning of a working week.
Today however, I woke up, rejuvinated!

I got my hair cut on Thursday, and it's taken me 4 days to figure out how I like to fix it.
I walked out of the beauty parlor that night and thought I was going to die!!! D I E!!!
I wanted to cry, my hair looked so awful! I should of known tho, because they always fix your hair the way they want to, and well , it never quit looks good..

But, it's been 4 days and I love it now! The girls at work even said that I dont look so "bitchy" anymore.. that it makes me look softer.. LOL.. I had to laugh at that, what does that comment tell you about my personality???

Ive lost another 2lbs.. YEAH ME!!! I put on a shirt this morning that I bought 3 weeks ago.. havnt worn yet, but it's been hanging in my closet.. so I put it on this morning, and it literally just hung on me.. YEAH!!!!
I mean it was depressing, cuz I dont really have the money to be throwing around w/clothes.. but since the tags were still on it, Im taking it back and getting a smaller size.. then I put on a differant shirt that used to be to tight, and damn I look HOT today... LOL..

Other than that.. Im in a fantastic mood today.. amazing what a total of 15lbs weight loss will do to a person!!!

35 more to go and maybe just maybe I will post a scantly clad picture of myself.. or.. then again maybe not.. we shall see....

Peace everyone!!!
Oh yeah.. Today is day 16 of not smoking too!!!!
Damn.. when it shines, the sun is BRIGHT!!!

The watcher of weight

I weighed in on Saturday.. Im pleased to announce, I lost 7.4 lbs!

Now.. Ive also been sicker than a dog this last week. Ive had the damn flu.. so I havent wanted to eat.. but I really dont care.. 7.4lbs.. is 7.4lbs!!

In other news.. I got nothing..

Went to the Portland Zoo yesterday.. it was ok.. nothing overly exciting.. there's a pic of the one of the Orangatangs.. aint he cute!!!

I have no life..

I really need to get a life..

this flu kicked my ass.. Im still exhausted, my energy has just been sucked outta me.

Ok.. well I guess that's all I got..

take care, and I will touch base this week!!

The Fat Ass Report

It's really hard for me to blog, when there is nothing in my life to blog about...
which makes it a pretty sad moment when I realize that my life consist's of work, home, laundry, cook dinner.. sit and watch T.V. Sit, sit, sit, sit... repeat.. weekends arnt much different.

Then I started realizing, that holy wow.. my ass is HUGE!
Huge I tell ya.. OMG.. Im going to need to install a signal for when I back up
beep, beep, beep, beep.
That's not to mention the size of my gut! My boobs use to be bigger than my tummy..
now, well, lets just say the tummy is gaining ground.. the boobs are still poking out further, but not for long!

So, tonight I start Weight Watchers. My first meeting, so that they can confirm that yes.. I am a fat ass.

You see.. I love to eat.. no you dont get it.. I mean I LOVE to eat.
I eat when Im happy
I eat when Im sad
I eat when Im bored
I eat when Im angry
I eat when I need to be comforted
I eat to eat.
I grew up in a household where food was always around, it was socially acceptable to eat.
Fried egg & ham & cheese sandwhiches on Sunday afternoon's while watching football, sitting on the couch with Dad, and that was always followed with.. "that was good.. make me another one" from Dad, so what would I do??? I would get up, and make another round for he and I!

My Grandmother lived w/us, and there was ALWAYS dessert after dinner, homemade apple & rhubbarb pie w/vanilla bean ice cream. Homemade bananna bread every morning for breakfast, homemade zuchinni bread, homemade rolls, cake's, pies, cookies... you get the picture?

My eating habits didnt get any better as I got older... I have always fought my weight.. it's always fluctuated..up - down... up-down...up-down.. I think the only time I was truly skinny was when I was strung out on meth for those 4 yrs.. and that was a drug induced skinniness...

Now.. I cant turn to meth.. I cant afford it for one! LOL..
and for two.. it's NOT an option!!!!

So.. Im off to weight watchers.. it's not a "diet" it's a "life change"

So here are the facts...
Im 35
Im 5'8 (or so)
drum roll please...
my weight has skyrocketed.. to 248 lbs!!!
Oh Wow..
that hurts!!!
I weighed myself on Sunday...
Today is Thursday..and Ive been following a strict point system all week...
So.. tonight I will see if it has helped at all....

So.. here is my battle.. I WILL loose 50lbs by October..
Im headed to Cabo.. and I WILL loose the weight..
I WILL hit the gym at least 2x a week!!!

Signing off..
Barney... w/The Fat Ass Report!

Insane Asylum ramblings

It's sad, when you sit back and start analyzing your life.... Im 35 yrs old.. and I feel like I have accomplished none of the things in life that I would of like to of accomplished by now.
Yet, I have overcome so much in my life, that in a sense, I have over come so much.
I kicked drugs...
I finished school..
Got off the streets...
Have a great job (even if Im not impressed w/it at the moment)
I have 2 beautiful children.. when I was told at 16 that I would never carry a child to term

So why is it, that I am so unhappy with my situation?

******subject change******

2/8/08 - Im going to a Bi-gathering at a alternative lifestyle home. Hell, Im not sure exactly what you wanna call it. However, Im really excited.. oh oh.. it's a swinger party gathering place. I guess that's what you call it. So anyhow, this Friday they are having new couples night.. but I found out to late, so Im unable to attend.. but on the 8th, it's Bi female night.. and since that's what I want to explore.. Im going!!!!! I just hope that guys are invited too.. cuz Im NOT going by myself. Besides...I think he would get a total kick outta watching a couple girls go at each other.. LOL - and I think it would be a turn on, having him watch me and someone else playing around with each other.. cuz well that's the type of thing he's into..

That damn man is a drug.. I swear, I have tried and tried to brk it off w/him.
But, something draws me back to him. I dont know what exactly it is.. but something just keeps me coming back for more... the sex is FABULOUS.. but there's other things too.. I dont know... because I probably really should move on.. but he is helping me to explore things that I really am curious about.. then again.. I could end up in a shit load of trouble too..
gotta think on that...

And that's all I got..
Nothing else..

Im out
Peace

A statistical nightmare

As I was speaking to a co-worker today about children and adolescence behaviour.
She made a statement to me that caused me to pause.

I was discussing how I had to go head to head w/my daughters school counselor and principal just to get her tested because all of the sudden her grades dropped and she went from an A student to a D-F student and I felt that the school was leaving her behind.

The co-worker states to me...
"There are very few women that intimidate me, and I can honestly say, you are one that does!"

It caused me to pause when she said this.
I wasnt sure how to re-act, or what to say..
I stood there, looked at her, and basically just moved on and said nothing.

So I then brought it up to another co-worker...
and I asked him...if he thought I was intimidating.. his reply is as follows:


Me: Seriously.. am I intimidating?
him: Physically as a guy no--for your brains yes at times
him: You are a statistical nightmare at times with your breadth of knowledge of things
him: and how quick you can spit them via memory
me: statistical nightmare.. LOL.. that's funny
Me: I just thought it was kind of a weird statement
Him: You can be menacing
me: menacing.. ???
me: Webster defines menacing as:a person whose actions, attitudes, or ideas are considered dangerous or harmful
me: Im a pussy cat
me: w/claws
him: Yes like when you play ping pong
me: LOL.. RIIIIIIGHT
him: I saw you threaten M with Physical violence
me: well yeah.. that's M tho..
Him: Yes but others would see that and then fear
me: only those that dont know me.. M just laughs at me

Ping Pong..one of our depts here in the office decided to put a ping pong table in the lunch room, and took it out as a dept expense.. not sure how they got that one ok'd.. but.. it's turned into a HUGE success...
Our office has aprox, 250+ employee's.. soooo... we have tournaments and when some of us get really stressed we head down and hit that little ball around. It's been a pretty interesting release, plus Ive met employees' I wouldnt normally meet..
So.. that's what he's talking about.. cuz I didnt know how to play ping pong.. and then M wanted to play one day so down we went, and I would threaten him.. hahah.. just cuz he's really good.. and me.. Not so much..

Ok..
Guess I should get back to work..

Peace!!!

2008 - new beginnings

Every new year, you make resolutions to better yourself. To loose weight, clean the house, take better care of yourself, stop smoking, not drink so much, be nice to friends and family... blah blah blah..

This year.. Im making only one resolution...
To get intouch with myself better.... to explore my sexual nature.

Last February, I experienced my first bi-moment - is that what the techincal term would be?Not sure...
At first, I wasnt to keen on the idea, I wasnt sure if I would or wanted to even experience it.
But, as the evening wore on. The more I drank, the more the idea appealed to me.

Having another womens hands skimming my body was actually quit the afrodisiac.
Looking down, into a womens eyes, while she suckled on my breast, was something I never expected to find to be such a turn on.
Feeling her fingers, circle my clit, then to dart in and out of my hot, moist, wet..... well.. anyhow.. sorry, this isnt a porn site, but I think you get the picture...

Ive dreamt about the evening alot.. I mean, I had kissed women before, but it usually was during moments of complete and total drunkenness.. so it really never mattered, but the idea's had or have always been there.

I never did go down on her, I couldnt bring myself to do that, I guess I expected her to do all the work, but now, I think to myself.. I want to experience more (and damn could that women lick!!)
I did finger her, that was interesting.. to bring another women to climax just by my fingers. It was rather exhilirating... but, can I bring myself to bring her to climax w/my tongue? I dont know.. but it's something I need & want to explore.

So, this years resolution is to finally fulfill one of my "fantasy's"... for lack of a better term. Just thinking about it gets me excited. I guess Im finally ready to really explore a different side of my sexuality. Dont get me wrong... I still love men... but.. I find myself looking at women in a different light. I look at their breast's, their lips, their hands. How they look, how they smell.
Their voices, manner of speach... it's a turn on.

So.. Im bi curious. It's not a bad thing, and Im really looking forward to exploring this.
Im looking forward to seeing if what Im missing in life, that piece that is missing during sex, that over all fulfillment.. Im looking forward to seeing if it's the same w/a women.

So.. I will keep you updated - for those that are curious....and for those that this gross's you out.. well sorry.. there's an X up in the right hand corner that can take you out of here - lickity split..no pun's intended...

Happy 2008!

Tagged and Im it!!!!

Ok Weekends.. here ya go..

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.Seven random/weird facts about me...

1) I love my soda (when I drink it) room temperture.. I can NOT stand my soda cold..
same w/my water.. it has to be room temp..

2) When I scoop ice cream out of the carton into my waiting bowl.. I have to pop it into the microwave for 10-15 seconds....

3) I pick my toes... I know I know.... gross gross gross... but I love to dig at my toenails, and clean out all the "gunk" before I go to bed

4) I work in an office full of about 30 people.. some days it's like working in a morgue.. sooo.. I will pop off loudly singing show tunes.. such as "Love Boat" or "The Great Space Coaster"

5) Im a finger tapper.. Im always tapping my fingers against, desks, cups, steering wheel what ever is there and will make noise

6) Im a popper (just like weekends) my knuckles, knees, back, toes, neck.. anything to release the stress

7) The kids and I have fart wars... so far my daughter has the longest...... the boy has the stinky, eye's watering, burn the back of your throat.. and well mine.. LOUD!!!!

Thank you all for reading...
Im not gonna tag anyone.. but.. if you want to play along, leave it in my comments.. sometimes it's fun to learn about your fellow blogging buddies!!!!

**************************************************************************************

Christmas turned out pretty good.. amazingly enough

We had our family Christmas part on the 21'st.. it's not a Christmas w/out at least one family argument.. and this year was not a let down.. my brother and his wife had a huge falling out about 3 days prior to our family party.. it was HUGE.. he moved out even... sides were being chosen, new arrangments for the family get together were being made...

When I finally called an end to it!!! I told both of them to let go and move the hell on.. this wasnt the time of year to be arguing and trying to have sides drawn.

Amazingly enough, all turned out well.. and we had a FABULOUS time...

Christmas Eve... nothing to write home about.. didn nada..
Christmas Morning.. the ex mom in law came over to watch the kiddies open up presents, then when she left, we headed over to other relatives to open up presents..
It actually snowed Christmas Day afternoon.. to the point where I was snowed in and had to stay the night.. so my brother and I drank, laughed and then we all played the game of Life.. another family tradition.. it was a good day..

New years.. I drank to much at the Casino.. and was walking thru yelling Happy New Year, and then I would walk up to random groups of men, and say something stupid like "Hey.. I can blow"
and blow into my little noise maker.. I found this to be absolutely hilarious..ok ok.. stupid I know.. but hell.. Im old and have to get my kicks somewhere.. :)

And now Im back at work.. trying to find the... uummmpppfffff to get a move on..

Happy 2008 everyone.. I hope this year brings all of you great memories...
Good times.. and enjoyment!!! not to be confused w/pure joy!!!!

East Coast Wind - freezing!!!!

Tis the season for all the weird things in life to come out of the wood.

Why is it, that the minute I start thinking of him, he rears his ugly head with in a week?

Wil has returned. Oh Im so thrilled. I dont want him in my life, I dont want him around me. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see him. I dont want him around our daughter. I cant stand him. So explain to me, why is it that he mentions why he moved out of state, was becuase of his girlfriend. That I get insanly jealous? Please someone explain to me, why my heart rate speeds up, why I can feel the blood rushing thru my veins, why I cant breath. And why oh why do I get so damn mad!????

He makes me so angry! He gets me so infuriated!
Yet.. Im jealous of him?

I know the why's..
honestly I do..
Let me explain to you the whys.. and tell me.. why?

He has freedom... he is able to come & go as he pleases. No responsibilities. No bills (well Im sure he has them he just doesnt pay them) he moves around, carefree, goes where he wants. Does what he wants, when he wants, w/whom he wants, how he wants.
No one is dependant upon him.
No one is looking to him for all the answers.
No one is making him be the adult.
No one following him around excpecting him to fix everything.

Yeah... that's why... that's exactly why. It angers me.. OH God.. does it anger me!

I have given up so much of who I am for my children. I have given up so much to put a roof over their head, food in their stomach, clothes on their back. But that's what a parent does! That's what I do.. That's who I am! A mother. Because I choose to be!

But you know what. Im loved.. and my kids in turn are loved. I would NEVER give up what I have, to have what he has, Or what he doesnt have.
He doesnt have the love of his daughter. Which I couldnt imagine not looking into her eyes everynight before bed. Not being able to hear those words out of her mouth every morning "I luv ya mom"
I imagine its a very lonely life that he lives.

I couldnt imagine not having my loves.

So why then am I angry still? Im where I want to be in life.
Im where I NEED to be in life.

Because the man I fell in love with 12 yrs ago, no longer exist's.
The man that I was suppose to live the rest of my life with... died
The man that he is today.. is a stranger.

Life has a funny way of making you wake up and realize the important things.
I have no reason to be angry. I choose not to date.
I have chosen to live my life the way I do, because I put my full attention on my children.
That's my choice. That's who I am. It's what I want. It's where I need to be!

The day will come, when he realizes how much he has lost.

So.. tell me.. why I feel so angry still????

There's a snot monster in my nose

I woke up w/a damn head cold this morning.

Of course I did... I should of known that it would attack me sooner or later. I mean, nothing else was going remotely well!

What I wouldnt give right at this very minute to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers up over my head take some nightime crap and just pass the fuck out!

Oh no.. instead Im sitting here at work, freezing my ass off.. however I did take some narcotic in out of the company medicine chest and now feel like my head is floating 10 feet above my shoulders. So maybe, just maybe this day could be remotely entertaining.

That would be if I couldnt get that asshole outta my mind. I know I know I know..
why am I putting so much damn thought into him? Why is it w/him, I give a shit?
Yet w/my beneficial guy I dont put any thought into him? What the hell was/is the difference?
Please explain to me.. cuz I am driving myself fucking insane over this!!!!!!!

Stupid....Stupid....Stupid.....Stupid.... Stupid.....Stupid!!!!

Ok..I will stop I promise..

I have so much Christmas shopping to do still..I have only purchased like 3 gifts.. and I am so NOT in the holiday cheer this year.. let alone coming up w/the damn money for the holiday cheer.. oh well.. liquor always brings great holiday cheer...haha...

gonna go heat up my lunch now..

Happy Thursday.. and all that jazz!!!

One Bud Lite and a fluffy tree

Well, the day was a bit brighter as I woke this morning.
After long hours of thought last night, and a mild break down, Im feeling better.. just sleepy...

The kids and I went and got the Christmas tree.. it was very humorous Im sure if you would of seen us driving home w/a Christmas tree bungee corded to the top of my wee little
Jetta... the kids decorated the tree, as I sat and watched them drinking a nice
ice cold Bud Lite (by the way I hate Bud Lite.. but for some reason I have a 6 pack in the fridge)

At one point, we had to take a "safety" from each other.. which is our word when things get a little out of hand.. someone yells' "safety" and we all go to our respective rooms and chill for 15 min. Then come out and "communicate" about what happened and how we currently feel.

So.. the boy yelled SAFETY... and the kids went to their rooms.. and I cleaned up the dog piss.. which is why the boy yelled safety.. cuz the dog got freaked out by the tree...and pee'd in the dinning room because.. she's a stupid little black bitch..and pee'd on the fucking floor... and Mommy dearests head spun around and I lost it.. because the dog pee'd.. and the kids were arguing, and because the dog pee'd..ok.. honestly.. it was because of my actions over the weekend..
oh..hold on..I must breath and calm down...

Anyhow... things got better.. the tree is up..Im missing a huge box of decorations...
the tree topper, the tree skirt, my stocking holders.. plus the stockings... doesnt really surprise me.. nothing seems to surprise me anymore.

so.. I did some thinking last night, and while I watched the kids decorate the big fluffy, I dont like it tree.. I thought.. you know what.. it was just a "thing"
It happened.. so be it.. it was just a thing..

ok.. lets be honest here.. I had a HUGE thing for this guy.. I actually started to fall in.. oh Im not gonna say it, but the word starts w/an L.
I could of so easily, but, something went wrong, and we went our separate ways. And w/in a few weeks of he and I splitting, he was back together w/his ex and engaged to get married. It hurt, but it wasnt a painful hurt like Ive had in the past. Which makes me think that maybe just maybe I was more in love...with the thought of being in love.
Huge possibility... must think deeper on that one.

Anyhow... where was I?
wow.. Ive got issues...
so yeah.. as Weekends says... there just service dogs.. thank you so much.. I absolutely LOVE that choice of words.
and T too.. thank you both for your support.. I needed it....

Yep..Im single, and honestly for the most part Im ok with it...there are times I dont want to be single, and I honestly think it's only during the Christmas season. But then again... it would just end up costing me more..hahahaha....

Ok all.. Happy Tuesday.. Happy days.. and all that crap..
I probably should get some work done..

TTFN..
Peace

Im a whore :(

I have been completely slacking in my post's, things have been so damn crazy that I just havnt had time to get to the really important things in life, and that being keeping all of you updated on my poor existance of life.

So... grab your favorite beverage and here we go!

The guy that I met at the bar, whom I supposedly went to high school with.
I didnt make it to dinner with him, since I found out all that scoop on him I decided that he was gonna cook me dinner at his house (just to see if he would and how he would weasel his way out of it)
At first he was all agreable about it, then around 4:45 on that day he called and told me that he couldnt because his cat got sick all over his front room floor and he just didnt want me at his house, and he wanted to get it all cleaned up before he had me over.
I offered to bring over my steam vac and help him clean it, but that offer was shot down.. gee..I wonder why?
So... I showed up at his door anyway (dumbass gave me his apt #)
knocked...got know answer, knew he was there cuz his car was.
I went over to the managers and sent him a txt message and told him where I was, and that I figured he was in the shower and to let me know when he was done and that I had brought the steam vac... you will never guess what happened.!!!????
He called, said that he had an "emergancy" w/his dad and had to go take care of him.
Supposedly his dad is dying of cancer and needs alot of assistance.
I say supposedly... because my friend knows daddy-dearest... and he's in remission and is doing great!!!

Well...needless to say, by this time I was done playing - there was just to much effort being put into something that was going nowhere. So I told him that I knew everything and he needed to just come clean. He finally did, sort of... gave me a very wide version of everything.... it boiled down to him not being happy w/his current situation and I guess wanting something on the side.
Told him good luck w/that and dont call, dont txt, and if he ever saw me out and about.. pretend he didnt even know me.

I suppose I could of been a lot ruder.. but, Ive come to the realization that sometimes I spend to much energy on trying to hurt people. Why? Why do I feel the need to be so vicious?
What do I gain out of it in the end? Well beside self-satisfaction?
there is something obviously wrong with me!

On other news...
The kids are doing great. We started family counseling, it's part of the program that the boy is on. Im hoping it will help all of our issues. Cuz, come on... everyone has issues.

Oh..Im a whore..
I worked my second job all weekend, so the wee ones were w/their cousins and gone from the house. So.. Friday night my "friend" came over for dinner.. and then we um.. enjoyed each other.
Then Saturday night.. I ran into an ex... ex ex.. from like 6 yrs ago..
and well.. yeah.. I did..
WTF?
Im such a whore.. what the hell is wrong with me?
It's almost like Im trying to re-establish myself.
Whats that old saying.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Which brings me to another thought..
to put it bluntly..
What..Im good enough to fuck.. but not good enough to have a relationship with?
Good lord.. now Im feeling even lower than low..
Im a dirty rotten whore. slut. easy. whatever you wanna call it.

oh well.. the anger is setting in again
I feel it seeping into my pours.
must be because of the holidays.
Im so NOT int Christmas this year... just have no desire to participate.
I havnt even decorated. No tree, no decorations. No nothing.

Whats wrong with me?

Home of the webbed feet!!!

Well, if you have been watching the weather reports on the news, some of you have seen that Western Washington has been hit w/some rather irate temper tantrums from Mother Nature.

But, alas, we are all good to go, just thought I would share a few pictures of my local vicinity that flooded.....

Aint it pretty...

then again, none of you would EVER guess what the weather is doing right now..

Come on.. guess..

first 3 guess's dont count..

OMG.. how did you know..

It's raining!!!!

Take care.. stay dry..

buh bye!!!!

Ramblings of the Insane

Hi everyone... I apologize for not posting earlier.. but things have just been crazy & ongoing.
So.. grab your favorite beverage & a snack, sit down, put your feet up and lets talk!

1)
Took the boy to court... and it actually wasn't all that bad. It's a 9month probation, if he gets in alot of trouble during those 9months, then it will be longer. However, the judge didn't feel that my son was over the top. So we have to go to court again in January, until then we have to attend family counseling. Now, if the counselor and I could just meet up and stop playing phone tag. Since court, the boy has been really good, although he did have a small issue at school which caused him to receive an emergency expulsion. However I ripped the principle a new ass, because Wonder Boy & another student were horse playing in the hall way and the other kid went to kick Wonder Boy, who in turn grabbed his leg, twisted and the boy went down and hit his head on the hard floor.... yes, I understand that it shouldn't of been happening, but hell boys will be boys, it was unintentional... and Wonder Boy felt so so so bad.. the kid went to the hospital to make sure he didnt have a concussion (thank god he didnt..it's a sue happy world)
Well, the principle kicked Wonder Boy out before even gathering all the facts.. that ticked me off... and I said my piece.. and he was back in school after the Thanksgiving Holiday.
So.. we are off to a GREAT start!

2) I started my second job. Oh it's great to work with the public again.
God how I hate people. I thought this time of the year was suppose to bring out love, peace, and good will among people? NOT!!!
It's been a a true test of my patience... Two customers got into a fight w/each other and it took everything I had not to bitch slap them both. I just looked at them both.. said in my most chipper voice.. " tis the season to be jolly" and turned and walked away. If they wanna cat fat, go at it.. have fun.. but you being a couple of bitches will only make me NOT want to help you!
I worked 20 hrs last week... and then this week Ive only worked maybe 4... I really really need those hours.. stupid me, didnt go and figure out what I was making per hr, I swear.. if it's just minimum wage, is it worth it? If I knew how to waitress I would go get a waitress job at some bar.. but I suck at math.. soooooo... that's a no...

3) My girlfriend who is unhappily married.. finally told her husband how she feels (sadly she chose Turkey evening to do so)
not sure what's gonna come of it, but he seems to be blaming me for it. whatever.. I dont really care.. I call their house he answers and if she's not home he will tell me then hang up on me. I know he's hurting but come on.. grow the fuck up! Or am I being to harsh? Either way..it's not my deal and Ive told her she's going about it wrong. But it's her life.. it's not my place to tell her how to live it. Right? Right!!!

4) I ran into a guy I went to high school with. I vaguely remember him. According to him I hid out in his parents boat that was in their backyard my freshman year of high school, again I barely remember this. Anyhow.. ran into him at the bar ( Im starting to think Im turning into a weekend alcoholic) we danced, we talked, we laughed, we danced, we kissed.... and OMG.. it was a kiss that was really good...
So we've been talking since then, haven't seen him, just talking, were suppose to go to dinner tonight. But Im having reservations....
I cant stand his voice.. is that superficial? Some say it is, but his voice is so.. uummm... soft.. it's almost as if he never went thru puberty. My voice is deeper than his. But he's a supper nice guy, well from what I can tell, I understand it's to early.
This brings up a whole mess of other issues.

Do I want a relationship? I have so much other shit going on in my life Im not sure if Im ready to invest in something with anyone right now.
My ex did a real number on me. It's almost as if Ive been ruined for any other man. I have become such a hard ass, cold, unemotional towards others. Verbally abusive to men. It's not really who I am, it's a defense mechanism. I honestly don't think I can put myself out there and risk my heart. If I still have a heart. I don't even know anymore.
I have become such an angry person. I don't trust men, I don't believe in what they say, don't believe anything that comes out of their mouths.
When did I become such an angry person?

5) The company is still up for sale.. Any buyers out there?
Nothing new on that front.. they have put packages together for everyone.. but not sure exactly what is what. More on that when I figure out what is going on!!

Ok.. I guess I should get back to work.. hope you enjoyed your favorite drink...talk to ya'll soon.

Peace


********THIS JUST IN*********

So.. I did some investigation work.. true example of why I dont trust men.
We will call him Cowboy...
anyhow.. the apartment complex where he currently resides, is managed by a friend of a friends, so I had my friend call and see if she could get any dirt.
Well guess what!!! He's living w/his fiance.
Yep.. that's right...
He's been fucking playing me... and I dont deal well with that.
Now, this is a very fine line that Im walking, because... she shouldnt of given me any information.
So.. I cant just come right out and say anything, cuz she could loose her job.
So... I think a little evilness will need to come into play...
So.. Im gonna tell the apartment manager to say that she's friends w/me... and that she found out what he's been doing.. and tell her where we are suppose to meet for dinner tonight and have her show up.

Moral of the story.. dont fucking play me. Cuz I wont be played!!!!!
I always win!!!
Will let you all know how it turns out tomorrow...
Cheers!!!

Funny?

I need something lite and funny in life..
Nothing really lite & funny has happened lately. Which is rather sad.

Sunday evening my dear friend and I decided to go out and have a dinner and drinks ;)
I should of known that dinner and drinks would mean starting at 6ish, and ending up at the local watering hole. Little did I realize, that at 11:ish... I was toasted.. I'm really starting to sound and feel like a drunk..
The kids stayed the weekend w/their cousins, up on the hill, I say the hill, cuz they live on the side of the Capital Rain Forest and have all this acreage to run and roam and well be free, kids, playing in the creek, climbing tree's and just being.
We all needed a break from each other.

Anyhow...
Back to Sunday evening.. I honestly didn't mean to head out and get intoxicated... I don't even remember drinking that much.. but.. I guess I did, cuz by the time she dropped me off at home, I got into bed, and the room started spinning, so I got up and made myself the ultimate drunken fair.. peanut butter & raspberry jelly...nummers!!! That settled my tummy and I passed out.

Now, a little more (from what I remember from the evening)

My dear friend is married.. very unhappily so.. but married non-the-less
She met another guy.. and has been carrying on an emotional attachment for a little over a month. Now, she wants advice or the ok to cheat on her husband.. she says she needs a "reason" to leave him...
Never mind the fact that she is extremely unhappy.. they have no communication between the two of them, he doesn't do any housework, he cant even make a fucking Dr's appt for their daughter. He works, and he figures that that's all he needs to do. He's 9 yrs younger than she is, (she's 34 he's 26) and is so damn arrogant that it drives me nuts. He and I get along to a point, until he irritates me and I tell him to shut up.. I put up w/him because of her.. I kind of half to I figure.

Anyhow.. she cant stand it when her husband touches her, kisses her, or try's to engage in sex with her. She says it makes her physically ill.
I cant help her, I have tried and tried to give her advice.. but who am I to give someone advice on their marriage.. I'm not married, I have never been married.. I guess I have always figured if your that damn unhappy then leave.. just get up and go. But cheating is not the answer. But she is hoping that this guy will be the reason for her to leave her marriage. I yelled at her Sunday night, as we were sitting in the bar... to stand on her own two feet, to stop being so damn co-dependant.. to be who she needs to be w/out someone else to drag down.

I feel for her.. but can I really condone what she wants to do?

SUBJECT CHANGE:

I take the boy to court tomorrow.. we stand in front of a judge and I tell the judge what has been going on and why I want him on this program. Then on Friday we have a social worker coming to the house, to talk w/all three of us. I'm starting to wonder if Ive done the right thing. We have to go thru 8 weeks of counseling as a family, which is great but w/a social worker from the state? What does that mean? I guess I'm paranoid that at any time they could not like my parenting style and then all the sudden my kids become a ward of the state. Which over my damn dead body! I brought those happy little children into this world, only one whose gonna take them out is me!!!!
I love my kids.. but am I doing whats right?
And once he gets into this program, how the hell do I get him out of it? Damn, I guess I should of asked that question. OH Crap... I'm so damn stupid!!!!!

SUBJECT CHANGE:

Company meeting today.. our division is up for sale.. there are 3 categories of what our employment could turn out to be

1) current employee... remaining an employee once we are purchased
2) current employee... remaining until after the purchasing, and then being let go
3) terminated

there are packages that come with each category...
if the severance pay is good..I'm so outta here!!!! I'm bored in my job..bored..bored...bored..
I think I'm ready to head back to school and get my nursing degree..
I mean..why not.. either that, or I'm gonna go become a cop.. at least then I could take my aggression out on some ass hole that pisses me off ;)

Ok.. well Ive had enough of this day..

I'm out of here

Peace!!!

TGIF

Ok.. just a few random things..

1) Weekends.. I tried to log into your blog, but it says that I have to be invited in?
2) I got a second job, I start Tuesday.. I will be shooting people for a living.. can u guess what I will be doing?
3) It's hotter than hades in this fucking building!!!
4) We had a potluck today at work.. and OMG.. Im so freakin full!!!
5) We had puppies Monday... only 2.. but Mamma and both puppies are healthy

Took the boy child to his appt last Friday, and he has been a SAINT this week... well as good as a the devil in a saints disguise anyway. All of his teachers have been very impressed with his positive behavior. We have court on the 15th, go in front of a judge and I get to explain to him why I feel he should be on thsi program, and then the boy has a chance to redeem himself, then the judge hands down his ruling on whether or not he is going to be on it (the counselor already said he will be)

So, if wee boy child fucks' up, he has major consequences.... such as community service hours, detention, work crew, additional essays. If he continues to screw up at school, and the school kicks him out, then he will have to attend school thru juvenile hall, in a cement room, w/a guard.. no lunch break, you eat at your desk, no outside time... 8am-4pm
Needless to say, he's been an angel!

We have a tour of the juvenile facilities on the 13th.. Im making the girl child go too, because she has been having a bit of an attitude problem lately too. That cute little girl act isnt cutting it anymore!

Mamma is D O N E!!!
Thankfully they understand that now.

Ok.. well peace everyone, the weekend is here and I think Im gonna sneek outta work early..

Insane in the Membrane

boy child update:
I left work yesterday and had an impromptu meeting w/the principle.. he wasn't able to get an officer to come to the school to talk to my child.. I know huh... what kind of police do we have??? But between the principle and myself we did find out that there is a program thru the local juvenile hall called "At risk youth" we have an appointment today at 3. My son however thinks he is being put into juvi this afternoon.. and I ain't telling him any different!!!
He was P E R F E C T last night.. OMG.. he cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, started a fire, folded the laundry.. all with out being told..

Yeah.. that's what I said, all with out being told..

As I was sitting in my chair, watching some tv.. he crawled into my lap.. told me he loves me and that he's truly sorry.. and that he will turn things around.. I looked at my child, and literally felt my heart snap in two.. but.. I had to stand strong.. be firm.. I said that words mean nothing.. actions speak louder.. to prove to me that he will change, because it's not to late.. and I have complete faith in him to do so!
So.. we shall see.. everyone cross your fingers that the young punk snaps the fuck outta whatever he's in!!!

*****subject change*****

As I was driving to work this morning, I was taken back in memory to a time long long ago.. well to a few times long long ago..
I was just barely 18... getting engaged for the first time.. to my high school sweetheart. (Yeah.. first time Ive been engaged 4x..explanation to come) we were so in love, but seriously who knows about love at 18? I remember Valentines day.. 1989 - he brings a briefcase out of his house, get's into my car and tells me to drive out to old military rd... we get there.. the moon was full and bright, the air was crisp & clean, and I swear you could hear the wolves howling in the background. He pulls out the briefcase and opens it, and puts a table cloth over the hood of the car, a candle in an old green bottle, a bottle of champagne, and two champagne glass's... as we are both leaning over the car.. he looks at me, tell's me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and asks me to be his wife... I said yes.. I'm not gonna tell you what happened after that, I'm sure ya'll can figure it out..
a few months later, he left for college in Arizona... and I freaked out... I started doing meth again, day in and day out.. it was the only way I could control my emotions.. and then.. I started seeing someone else (my son's father) when my "fiance" came home, cuz he was kicked out of school.. I ended things with him.. and he befriended my best friend at the time.... little do I know, she was madly in love with him. Her and I worked together, I remember the day that I found out they were dating... we were sitting on brk, and she was talking to me about him, but not telling me his name, just this guy this.. this guy that.. I figured it out...it was a huge blow up between us, she broke that unspoken cardinal friendship rule, never date your BF's ex.

To make a long story short.. I got over my hatred, because seriously, what's more important.. good friends, or some guy? The best part was, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to him! I was 6 months pregnant w/my second child, and parts of his family was completely blown away that I was there.. the bride and I had great laughs at that!!!! We've lost touch over the years... but found memories are still there.

My second engagement... was just assumed... we had a child together, so we assumed that we would get married.. My son's father.. We had been together for awhile, I was 20 when I got pregnant..just barely 21 when he was born.. he was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for 5 weeks after birth.. right after he came home.. his dad left to move to another state for a job, I was suppose to follow.... after he left for unknown lands I came to the realization that I didn't love him and had no desire to leave everything and everyone I knew. So..I made the phone call that would end everything. I hate to admit it, but it wasn't a huge loss to me.. maybe to my son.. but not to me. I mean, wasn't it better for me to be happy than unhappy?

My third engagement:
Oh wow.. where to start.. Mike... I met him via my mother. He worked for her, and he and I struck up a friendship first.. nothing more.. we would talk for hours on the phone, and when we were able to get together, it was like two best friends. Then one night things took a turn of events and we found out that we were more than just friends. With in a few short months I had finally found the love of my life.
He cherished me and my son. He treated him as if he was his own. His mother even made my son a Christmas stocking. It was beautiful. I had a 1/4 marque cut diamond on my ring finger, we had the date set... we had the invitation picked out, the down on the hall, we had everything ready to go. Our Mothers got along (well for the most part..LOL) we were dress hunting..
He was a weekend warrior.. meaning, he was in the Army Guards, and he had gone away during the summer for a 2 week retreat.. when one morning I woke up.. realizing... it wasn't ment to be.

As I layed in my bed, watching the sun stream thru the window and listening the outside world waking up. I realized, I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I realized that he deserved to be happy with someone who could return that love. I realized that I couldn't go thru with a marriage. I realized that I needed to cut him free.
So I did... I walked away from him... and allowed a piece of my heart to go with him.
That broke my heart, letting Mike go.. to this day 12 yrs later I miss him and I wonder what would of happened, how would my life would of turned out. I wish I could find him. To apologize. To see him one last time and actually say goodbye. We didn't split on good terms. But who could honestly blame him. I still think of him fondly.

I had a brief interlude w/my neighbor shortly after this... a rebound thing. But.. he pulled the "I love you" right out of the gate. No sex was had between he and I...as he was saving himself for marriage (admirable huh) I got scared and ended that really quick... which was hard too, as he lived directly across from me.. so we would see each other alot.. but.. it was for the best.

My fourth engagement:
For those of you that have been reading my blog.. you know who this is. My daughters father...
The man I fell in love with.. is NOT the man of today.. the man I fell in love with no longer exist's. Let me tell you about who he used to be.
He was funny, charismatic, intelligent, trust worthy, dependable, loving, kind, considerate, strong... he was all that I had ever wanted in a life partner. He asked me to marry him on Christmas eve.. 1995.. I said yes.. and w/in an extremely short time.. my world changed.

At first it was there were subtle hints, words that ended up having a lasting affect. Words that I didn't realize until to late were so cutting. Then the hands. At first it was just a grab of the arm to pull me to where he wanted, to do what he wanted...when he wanted, how he wanted. Then there came the sexual "guidance" I will call it. To perform how/when/where.. no was not allowed. I was segregated from friends and family. I was emotionally and mentally put down. My will was bent to his liking.

It took me 4 long years to realize the hell that i was living in. The day came when I woke up and became strong. Some of it's still to painful to re-live. To think about all that happened would bring back pain and memories that I don't wish to re-live.

The brain is a phenomenal thing, the things that are locked w/in could scare your average person. My own personal nightmare. Its almost as if part of my brain knows when to release a memory. Knows when I am strong enough to accept and handle it.

I understand why I released 2 of my engagements.. my second one.. I didn't love.. I realized that..
My fourth.. was NOT ment to be..

I think I released my first one because it dawned on me that I was to young..
But.. why did I release Mike? What truly was the issue?
I did love him. Well, I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him. I probably.. could of.. loved him more over time...

I guess all this makes me wonder.. do I know what love is?
Can I accept love when it's given to me?
What am I afraid of?

Disclaimer - bad words ahead!

Life has a way of just spiraling out of control like a roller coaster ride... there are only 3 occupants on this roller coaster... two kids in the front car.. and the haggard mother in the last car.. whom cant decide if she should lock the seat belt.. or just let the fate of the gods take it's course.
On one hand, to just sit in the seat and hold on is an option... I mean seriously, whats the worse that could happen... I fall out, and split my skull open, but hell, knowing my luck I would survive it be normal minus the bashed in skull and would have to live out my remaining days on earth looking like some Halloween project gone bad.

Or.. I could buckle up and sit tight and just let all the bullshit wash over me. But seriously, how much bullshit can one person really take? How much before a person just finally breaks down and looses control... claims sanity..or just goes ape shit on another person?

No, life isn't always so fucking dramatic. Sometimes its' all peaches & roses, sweet & nice and everything oh so very nice. But when it rains.. I'm telling ya.. it fucking pours & fucking pours and fucking pours until Katrina looks like mild bath water. Some days are worse cluster fucks than others, but I suppose you take it day by day it's bound to get better.. right? RIGHT!!!

So here's a little of what's going on:

Romance.. I thru cold water on it.. to many weird ass happenings.. and I'm not happy w/myself or my life right now, so how was I gonna even attempt to try to make someone else happy... if I'm not happy, no one else is gonna be.. so fuck it.. that's over.

the boy child: I'm gonna strangle my son... he's done nothing but fuck up.. fuck up.. fuck up.. I feel like the worse mother in the world.. I obviously don't know how to parent.. he did 2 days of ISS (in school suspension) he was back for half a day in classes.. fucked up.. and suspended from school for a day.. oh he's back in today.. and I just got yet another fucking phone call.. and he's back in the office, because he decided to body slam another student.. so.. I told the principle to contact the police and let me know when they were coming.. maybe scaring the shit outta the kid will help! Or something.. cuz if I see him right now.. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him!!!
What did I do wrong? I got him tested for ADD... Dr said he's got it.. but mildly.. so he's on meds.. but really low dosage.. the kid just wont use the lump three feet above his ass.. the brain of his isn't there to be used as a wind tunnel..
So.. I told the principle to call the local police.. maybe some scare tactics will work..cuz I don't know what else to do.. they don't hand out handbooks when you walk outta the hospital

the girl child: OMG!!! she has become so damn argumentative... she just turned 11 and thinks she is ALWAYS RIGHT.. did I say ALWAYS... she will argue about anything.. she walks into my bathroom this morning, grabs my hair brush and tells me it's hers.. uummm excuse me... I try not to argue with her.. I really really do.. I try to reason.. or.. I just tell her to knock it off, I'm the mother.. the adult.. the ONE IN CHARGE... but it's like she doesn't hear me..
I have her in counseling, we are trying to figure out what the issues are..

Work: is a never ending source of entertainment & frustration
that's about all I can say about that. Company meeting a few weeks ago it was stated that our division is up for sale.. so hopefully I will have a job once the company sells.. or I will be hitting the job seeking road.. whatever.. either way I don't care at the moment... sad huh?

OK.. I think that's about it.. for now..
I should probably get to work.. sorry I was MIA for awhile..
but hey..I'm here now :)

I'm off to coffee myself up.. that always makes me feel better..

ttfn!!!