Rainy Days

Upon my self-discovery tour, I realized I still have to stop and occasionally smell the flowers. Well in this part of the country, since the flowers are starting to wilt and die, I suppose I have to stop and smell, the rain.. assuming it ever shows again. We've had a rather dry spell lately, and I honestly miss the rain. How can one miss the rain? It's wet, and causes the roads to slick, and leave prints on the carpet and the paws from the doggies are muddy and then they leave muddy prints all over the carpet, not to mention my bed as they seem to think that my bed - since it's the biggest soft cushion in the house - is for them....rotten mongrels.

anyhow.. so, yeah I miss the rain. Nothing is better than sitting on my covered back porch, in the mornings, sipping a nice cup of coffee, with my morning paper or a good book, curled up in a blankie.. listening to the rain... as long as the wind isn't whipping, cuz if the wind is whipping about then well I'll get wet and well I don't want to get wet cuz then I would get cold and worse of all my coffee would get cold and that's just not acceptable.

Anyhow.. where was I.. ooohhh taking time out to enjoy things. Like that walk around the lake w/dogs & kids in tow. Sitting on a park bench in front of the fountains downtown watching the wee children of the community playing. Watching an eagle soar thru the sky. Whatever the case is, taking time out of your busy life to enjoy the small things. I never do that. It brings about a bit of peace, tranquility if you will. Life is so busy and non-stop that if you don't stop and look around you, your going to miss something.

Ive been trying to take the time out each week to do something. To take that extra 1/2 hr and just relax, appreciate, digest, whatever... it's important. I don't know if it actually brings a center of balance or whatever you want to call it. But for me. It helps. I'm always go go go go that I never stop and breath.

I get so worked up with the go go go that I tend to be on edge, not ok.. Ive had a hell of a road re-discovering who I am over the last few years.. the last few weeks have been even more of an eye opener for me. So many realizations of who I really am.. and how I really think. It's been mind opening.. and in some case's embarrassing and in other case's totally disgusting.

I had someone recently ask me to describe myself. I couldn't. How pathetic is that? I can physically describe me.. but to describe what I'm truly like, my thoughts, plans, outlook, who I perceive myself to be... I don't rightly know. Who I thought I was.. yeah.. but who I am upon this discovery road. I don't know.

So.. I asked a good friend of mine & co-worker to describe me. Normally, he has no problems with coming up with something. But he knows that I'm on this re-discovery. So he's going to think on it over the weekend. He says some of it I may not like, some of it may embarrass me, some of it I may argue about. But it will be a true & accurate out look.

Once I receive it.. I'll post it.. well maybe only the parts I like..

Anyhow.. other news:

Ive decided I'm never going to read our local paper again.
I know to many people in this sess pool that I call home.
This week alone, there have been 3 people that I personally know in the paper...
My son's uncle, from his dad's side of the family, he's a loser - meth addict.. got busted for pointing a laser pen at a State Patrol Plane that was in the air..
Then..a kid I used to watch, like 13 yrs ago, just registered as a Level 3 sex offender!!!
Todays paper... an ex friend of mine, had 31 animals seized from her home this week, and is facing animal & child neglect charges.

What a roller coaster week!!! Wow..
I need a new start..
Hmm.. maybe I'll move to Ireland, yeah, I don't know anyone there and I hear it's beautiful country

Peace & have a great weekend!!!

WW #21

WW #21

1.) If you caught your partner viewing porn online and masturbating, how would you react?
I have caught my partner doing this, at the time it royally pissed me off, mainly because he and I were having problems, and to me it felt like a form of betrayal. Now, I look back and realized I may of over-reacted a bit.. I have no issues with porn, but when your down and out and not feeling good about yourself and he's sneaking behind your back to look at it, it's wrong. If he would of just been open and honest.. things would of been different


2.) If you caught your partner participating in a sex chat room online, how would you react?
hmmm... again, it's all about honesty.. sneaking is cheating in my book.. as long as their is open communication, I would be cool with it.. hell I may even participate..LOL

3.) Did your parents know when you became sexually active? yes, my father knew
How did they find out? my probation office called him and informed him, and daddy dearest marched me down to the dr and put me on birth control..

4.) How open were/are your parents about sex?
Oh lord.. I will never forget when I asked my Mother about birds & the bee's.. her response was....
The bird is the female, the bee is the male... the bird - or Mommy.. stays home to take care of the home and the bee - the Daddy - goes to work to provide for the family.
Yeah..no shit.. that was her story.. so, I had my first lesson in 4th grade, by a boy I went to school with, who was WAY more experienced than any 4th grader should of been..

5.) When was the last time you had a splinter?
hmmmm.. oooh.. last week

What part of your body was it stuck in? it was on my little toe.. that's what I get for walking around barefoot...

6.) If you could only bring back ONE extinct animal, what would it be and why?
First of all, I never realized there were so many on the endagered species list.
How do you choose just one? Seriously, I think some of them need to be gone, and they were probably ment to be gone.. but on the other hand, they have a purpose, and a reason to be here.. for the good of all..right? Then again.. some of those little critters are NASTY!!!

I guess Im saddened to see that the Polar Bear is running the distinct possibility of becoming extinct. All because of Global Warming.. or whatever.. so I guess as of right now, I would say that I would want to stop this from happening.. but, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time!

Winter Cleansing

For years, I have kept believing I needed to try to be better than others. I kept trying to make myself appear better than others. In reality, I'm no better than anyone... I never seriously thought that I was better than anyone, but I did think I am better than some.. yet.. that's what I finally realized one night, I sat in my living room, in the middle of the night, depression hanging over my head, I was forcing it back, not allowing it to seep into me.. it hung over my head like a demon cloud, I could feel it's cold fingers trying to grab at my soul, trying to gain entry into me. Trying to wrap itself around me. Whispering to me to let it in, to allow the self-doubt, the worry, the coldness, the dampness to take root & to grow. To fester.
The battling of wills...

Which "will" is stronger.. the will to fight & to survive?
The will to just allow the demon to take root. To fester... to grow... to destroy all that Ive worked so long and hard to gain?


I worry... continuously..
I worry about what others see, what others think: About me.
How do they see me? Do they see me as successful? Do they see me and say, I want what she has. I want to be her. I want her accomplishments. Her dreams.
Ridiculous I know. Because, I have nothing. Because to me, having that house, that nice car.. those are accomplishments. Those prove who you are. Those prove you have everything.
In reality.. those things are nothing.
and yet....
You don't define a person by the car they drive. You don't define a person by the house they live in.
So why did my thought process go that way?
I can blame society, the movies.
I can blame my father.
I can blame my friends.
But honestly the only person I can blame is myself. I allowed others to form my opinions.
I allowed others to dictate to me what I had to have in life to prove who I am.

I live in an apartment. I drive an old jetta.
What does that make me?

I don't have the best clothes. I shop at Walmart
My children don't wear name brand items.
We don't have all the fancy gadgets.

All at once, the light seeped thru...
The realization that, there is so much more to life, than the house you live in..
the car you drive... and what the important things are...

What I have, is more precious than all of that..
What "we" have...
is a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs
clothes on our backs
shoes on our feet
beds w/warm blankets to sleep in
hot showers
medical/dental
a car to drive
dogs to love
Most importantly...
we have each other

Does it matter that others see me and think... wow.. she doesn't have anything.
She's a loser
She cant buy her kids all these "things"

But.. I realized, sitting in my front room, in the middle of the night
listening to the silence & the whispering...
I have something so many do not have...

Love

Four letter word.. with such a huge definition

I have love in my home...
I have laughter in my home...
I have happiness in my home....
I have.. what so many people want....
I was just to caught up to realize it...
yes.. we fight..
yes...we argue...
but, it comes back to love & to laughter..

I would be nobody.. and I would have nothing..
if it wasn't for the love of my children....

I pushed that demon of depression, away and out..
I sat in silence..
I listened....
to the peace.. the quiet.. the serenity...
And I realized.. I have everything I need.. right there.. within my walls...
with in my shelter..
I don't "need" anything..

I have:
Love!

Realizations Part 1

Do you ever sit back, look around at what you have and think to yourself, it's just not good enough?

I was cleaning over the weekend, decided to do some much needed deep cleaning. I sat down, and realized, damn I have a lot of shit. How can one person, who has no money to buy frivolous stuff, have so much frivolous stuff?

Then I realized that part of my unhappiness, is because of how I perceive myself. I'm so busy trying to keep up with the Jone's that I didn't realize I was making myself so miserable in the process. Ok... So, my couch & chair arnt from Macy's. My t.v. is a hand me down, my kitchen table is a hand me down. My entertainment center is a hand me down. Ok Ok.. the majority of my stuff is a hand me down. But you know what.. oh well.. does it truly matter?

Being raised as a Jehovah's Witness, one was taught not to worry about materialistic things. Yet, as the years went by, and I left the JW world.. I totally became the person I most detested. Materialistic.

Never happy with what I have, always wanting what I cant have. Never content with the few items I did have, wanting the bigger, better more expensive item. Why?
I thought long and hard about this all weekend... and the realizations I came up with, did not sit well with me. I dug into me... who I am... and some of the answer's that I came up with, flabbergast me... terrify me.... bewilder me... make me sit back and go OMG.. that's who I am?

So.. over the next few weeks.. I will be digging deeper into my sub-conscious thoughts.. Those thoughts that I push at bay because I refuse to really hear them. Think about them... accept them.. These are the thoughts that make me who I truly am.

I never realized how out of control I am... I never realized that I'm just a shell walking around, performing how I think I should be performing, and yet, I'm not a good person.

How do I become the person that I need to be?
I will figure it out.. sit back, grab some coffee,tea, Diet Coke (Weekends) and well, this may get boring.. but hey... I need to do this for me!

Hello Hello

Thank you to everyone who sent your thoughts my way.

I think the funk is finally disappearing. I am feeling better, there are moments when the clouds start hanging again.. and I can feel the precipitation wanting to fall, but old habits are hard to break, and they get sucked back in, and I move forward.

However.. things are getting better... the sun is shinning at the end of my misery.. and I can actually see the rays of hope!!! Corny I know.. but hey.. whatever!!!LOL...

School is starting next week. I can not wait. Ive had enough of my kidletts being home all summer. We didn't get as much fun stuff in this summer as I had hoped, the economy just wont allow for much entertainment. We got some camping in, went to Canada for a week, did some camping and visiting. I didn't make it to the ocean like I really wanted to tho. I did take a weekend trip to Idaho to see some friends, w/out kids! I had a good time.

But, alas, summer is gone, and it's time to get back into the grind of things. I got some much needed dental work done.. crowns, teeth re-construction and a nice hefty bill at the end of it..I'm so in the wrong line of work! oh, my dentist is super sexy.. so, I guess that help..LOL

The sad news, my oldest nephew has decided he is no longer family. He has hooked up w/his egg donor, and gone down the path of destruction. He's 19 now, so there is nothing that the family can do. He's living under the bridge, homeless, doing drugs, stealing, and just loosing himself.
I tried to talk to him a few months ago, explaining to him the path that I went down (he's doing some of the same things) but in one ear and directly out the other.

Were all just picking on him. What do we know? He's blaming his path on his step-mother. Which fine, blame it on her, but be strong about it! Prove whoever wrong and succeed.. don't loose yourself! That just pisses me off!
I realize he's got to make his choices, I realize he has to learn from his own mistakes. It just breaks my heart. Knowing what is in store for him, thinking to myself there is something I can do.. but what? Nothing really, absolutely nothing.
I remember those days of long ago, no-one could talk any sense into me.

My biggest fear, is the call will come in.. and I will be standing at the graveside of my nephew.
That scares & saddens me.

Anyhow... My son starts his freshman year of high school. Wow.. High school!
He has so many new adventures ahead of him. Harsh lessons.. and new experiences.
Let the ride begin!!!!

My daughter.. OMG.. where do I start? there are days I just want to throttle her.
Or just not talk to her. I love her with all my heart.. but OMG...!!!
You know when Bill Cosby used to say "I Hope you have one just like you"
during his "Himself" tour...
Oh yeah.. I got one JUST LIKE ME!
We are two south end magnets that repel away from each other....
I swear, I wish she would just start her cycle already.. maybe then things would start falling into some form of.....something!

Anyhow, she's getting ready to start 6th grade. I think and hope that this year will be a huge eye opener. First of all, girls are so vicious! She has a few really good friends, but my daughter is a little on the "thick" side, and the girls now-days are all the size of a pixi stick. So, I'm worried that comments are gonna be made. Not that I'm not worried she cant hold her own, she's one tough cookie.. but it's the after math that is going to be hard to deal with. As her mother, my first reaction will be to take care of it all myself. But I understand that I cant. I have to let them work out their issues.
Then again, she did punch the neighbor kid in the gut the other night, cuz he kept touching her... not like "touching" her, but grabbing her shoulder, and yanking her arm & pinched her butt. She warned him, that if he did it again she would punch him. He did it again, so sure enough.. she reared back and punched him in the gut. Poor little weasel went down with no dignity! HAHAHA.. I had to laugh. She is her Mother's daughter.

Dealing with his mother was a whole separate story, until I politely stated that I could just call the police and have her son busted for indecent liberties. That shut her up.
Where was I? Oh.. yeah, so, this year shall be trying for her. I hope she makes it thru, w/out to many emotional scars.

Ok.. I am off to visit my very pregnant friend.. she's been on bed rest for the last 3 months.. going stir crazy. Little Baby G is due next week. Damn, she's as big as a house! Poor thing.

Peace

Pardon me..while I cry...

How am I doing? That's a damn fine question. I dont rightly know. Ive just taken everything and pushed it back in the depths of my mind, and Im refusing to allow any of it to surface. Ive hit that bumpy/rocky spot in life and Im not sure which way to turn. Yep.. Im depressed.. my whole body is sore... my head and heart hurt..and there are days I just want to sleep... but.. I get up and I keep going.

I can feel the claws of anger just scratching away on the inside. I know that my words hurt. Ive been pulled into the boss's off alot lately. With gentle reminders that my tone of voice needs to change. I can feel that red haze engulfing who I am. Once that happens Im not sure if I will be able to pull myself back.

Ive tried talking the the Dr. But when I talk, I feel he's tuning me out. I see the look on his face, and I read the message in his eyes, I get mad, grab my purse and walked out of his office. My dentist treats me better, and he hurts me... nevermind that he's just sexy :)

Im not sure how Im doing. Im not sure how I got where I am at. Im still trying to figure out how to get myself out of the abyss that Im sinking in to. Ive never been here before. Ive always been able to grab the ropes and pull myself back. Ive never allowed myself to actually sink into that dark cacoon of misery and wallow. But lately, it's like an old comfy blanket. A long lost friend that I havnt heard from in forever and we need to catch up.

Do I just need to sit down and have a good cry. Yes, probably.. but for so many years, it was taught to me that crying is a wasted emotion, and solves nothing. I find myself telling my own child that, and that's sad, she needs to be able to release those feelings. I need to be able to release those feelings.

What is wrong with me?

How do I find me again?

Riding the boat of depression

You ever sit back and wonder where you went wrong? If you would of made other choices thru your stepping stones of becoming an adult, would things of turned out any differently?
would it of made a difference not to turn left in the road of life, and to kep going on the straight and narrow?

would I be a different person? would I be more successful? would I be happier?
If I would of finished college would my job profession be more satisfying? Or would I have gotten bored with that too? would I have had my babies? Would I still have the same life long friends that I do now? Or would I have a whole new set of friends?
Would I be married?

Am I truly unhappy with my lot in life? I mean obviously this is the road that the higher powers that be had intended for me? But seriously, could those higher powers of at least added a little something to my road? Or, is that something else still yet to come?

Yes, Im depressed, I will eventually snap out of it.. there is just so much going on right now, and I just feel so out of control... I need to put things into order & perspective and just move forward... it will work out.. and I will make it all work out.. I just have to get to that point...

anyhow.. on to Wednesday Weirdness...

1. Would you rather be 3 inches taller, or 3 inches shorter than you already are?
Hmm.. since I am 5'9.. I suppose 3 inches shorter.. just to see what it's like, but I actually enjoy my height.. Im ok with it..

2. What are 3 words that could never be used to describe you?
Predictable....
Naive
Lazy

3. Have you ever eaten something at the grocery store while you were shopping, prior to buying it? yep... little things like grapes..although when the kidletts were little I would open a box of crackers and let them munch on thm.

Did you pay for it when you got to the check out line?
Hell yeah.. Im not a thief!!!

4. If you could have any 3 materialistic things in this world without paying a single cent for any of them, what would they be and why?
A house
A car
Quads

5. Have you ever fallen asleep or nodded off during sex before?
yes... usually when they guy just isnt that great..

6. What are 3 jobs you’d leave your current job for? If you don't have a current job, just list 3 jobs you would like to have.
I currently have a job..
but.. the three that I would do..
1) I really want to open up my own bar
2) I really want to open up some kind of teen entertainment spot
3) if I had the degree I would love to help at risk youths

7. Do you or have you ever answered the phone during sex?
yes, but it's to damn difficult to focus on the conversation..LOL...

Ok..Im done.. thanks for reading.. play along too..

buh bye

Tagged

Hi... nothing really to write about, Ive had a few entertaining events over the last few weeks. But nothing to really write about.
Im in a funk.. just not in the mood for anything.
Im having falling outs' w/my neighbor.. She has told my other neighbors Im a drunk and then started spreading crap about my son..
Im dealing with that.
I just got approved for my home loan, so Im off to find me a house.. cuz I cant STAND living in this freaking apartment anymore.
hmmm...
That's about it really..well no..there's more, but blogger is just kind of loosing it's appeal for me. And, Im in a funk.. I need to snap the fuck outta it!

Ok.. I was kind of tagged... so here we go

5 things found in your bag:
1) chap stick.. I cant go anywhere w/out it.. I have to have it!
2) Debit card.. it's like my american express...
3) car keys.. no keys.. no driving
4) loose change, now I know why my purse is always so freaking heavy, I just throw my change in the bottom, and once a month I take it out and cash it in.. last month I had almost $50 in change.. which explains why my damn shoulder hurts all the time!
5) hair gel.. dont ask.. I have no idea!!!

5 favourite things in your room:
1) my bed..
2) my tv
3) my kids.. even tho they have their own room.. theirs dont have tv's in them.. so my son is always in my room!
4) the dogs..
5) the computer

5 things you have always wanted to do:
1) travel to Ireland
2) live in Boston.. I have No idea
3) live in a skyscraper in some downtown metro area
4) die my hair black
5) get 3 more tattoo's - which I will accomplish!!!

5 things you're currently into:
1) reading.. I read alot.. I love to read.. anything really... it takes me away from my life and throws me into someone else's life..
2) dog showing... well I dont personally show the dog.. but I get the dog to and from.. and my daughter shows.. she loves it..
3) that's it.. I have no life
4) nope.. nada.. that's it.. wow.. sad huh
5) there ya go.. the end.. no more.. buh bye

5 people you want to tag:
Does anyone ever read this anymore? I want everyone to do this..
cuz..well.. I need to feel loved.. let me know if u did them..

Howdy ya'll... I really have nothing of intelligence to write about today. Please forgive me, it's been a while since my last editorial.. or umm.. last written piece of garbage.

Life is slowly trudging along, been doing alot of traveling, weekend jaunts, went to Idaho for 4 days. Went to Canby, Oregon for a weekend, Yakima WA, Redmond WA.. all in the pursuit of winning that big doggy ring.. But hey.. I have a good time, and I enjoy the majority of the people.

The kids are doing good.. the boy is in summer school, 8-1 M-F... hahaha.. he's not liking it, but I think..and I hope he gets the damn message! The girl.. is bored.. well sort of bored.. the pool is getting alot of use.. and she is so freaking tan.. it's just sickening..

Umm.. hmmm... that's it.. 4th of July, Im having a b-b-que at the house.. your more than welecome to come.. please BYOB & some kind of side dish...

The men department.. its' pretty non-existant.. I have 2 gentleman..if you can call them that.. that are interested.. one of them is married however, says he just wants to be friends.. uh huh...riiiiight... took him 2 weeks to answer the "are you married" question. Good lord, be honest up front.. dumb ass's.. the other guy, it's all player.. but as I sit back and think about it, do I honestly want a relationship? Or just a beneficial friend?

And of course.. there is my already existing beneficial guy.. who is really starting to weird me out.. so Ive cooled it w/him, however I miss him at the same time.. damn complicated!

I got severly burn on my chest.. holy OUCH!!! pools and drinking in 90+ weather..NOT SMART!!!

Take a look at this!!!!

look at that red rim?? OMG.. it hurts.. so bad!!!

Here's a pic of the new puppy.. Barkley.. who is 7 months now.. and just over 100lbs.. it's the best pic I have.. I will get some more this weekend..

Happy 4th of July!!!!

Peace!

Wednesday Weirdness....

1. Have you ever rode in a stolen car? What would you do if, in the middle of going somewhere, found out that the driver had stolen the car you were riding in?
Ok.. well.. yes I have ridden in a stolen car... and I knew it was stolen when I got into the car.. long story short.. we took the car across two states, never got busted, amazingly enough.. I will have to blog about this.. it's really not as bad as it sounds.. and the car was returned to the rightful owners... and she and I are still the best of friends..LOL...

2. What is the most amount of money you've spent in a sex shop or porn store at one time? If you've never been to a porn store or sex shop, why?
Hmmm... I would say like $50.. and it was all on gag gifts for a co-worker who had knee surgery.. all my extra curricular toys have always been gifts.. :)

3. What is the most annoying thing about one of your closest friends?
oohh.. I love her.. I really really do.. but.. annoying? she throws me in the middle of her marriage ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!

4. Have you ever taken someone's prescription medication with or without them knowing and used it for recreational purposes?
OH yeah... remember.. I was a huge drug user back in my teen years.. I would take anything I could get my hands on!!!

5. What is at least one thing you are you insecure about?
my weight..

6. What are some things that you prefer to do alone?
shower.. I know.. I know.. but that's my "me" time.. sometimes it's nice to enjoy a shower w/that someone special.. but.. Im weird like.. I know

7. How would you react if you found out the anonymous babe who writes all your favorite sexy posts on her blog is really your mother?
OMG... ROFLMAO!!! That would be priceless.. my Mommy and I would get one hell of a great laugh outta that.. hahahahaha... I can only imagine...

Wednesday Weirdness...

1. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Here's the weird thing, I didn't think I would make it to a mature enough age to worry about growing up and becoming anything. You see, I was raised a Jehovah's Witness... so w/all the "church" teachings, the world was coming to an end, and 144k would go to heaven and the rest of us were left here on earth to do what ever it was we were to do... so the future wasn't even a glimmer in my wee little eyes.. then around the age of 12, all hell broke loose in my world and I became an evil evil child... so my teen years were spent druggin, sexin, partyin... but at one point I wanted to be a child psychologist...

2. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side to dip in? If you don't use ketchup, what do you use? If you don't eat french fries, what's wrong with you? (Ok so that last one is just a joke. Kind of. *wink*)
Depending on where I'm at.. if I'm at a restaurant I ask for an side of tartar sauce, I take my ketchup and put a nice big dollop of ketchup in the middle of my tartar sauce and mix it all together.. add a little pepper and YUMMY!!!!
If I'm just getting fries from fast food, I usually tend to eat them plain..

3. When was the last time you had phone sex? If you've never done it, why?
Does text messaging sex count? Actually breathing in ears, talking phone sex.. hmmm.. wow.. ok.. it's been years... since this new age of technology.. Ive had ALOT of text messaging sex.. LOL

4. When was the last time you made someone cry? What did you do to make them cry?
hahahahahah... I make my daughter cry all the time.. but I don't suppose that counts.. I tell her no and she starts crying.. she's such a drama queen..
Other than that, I made my Mom cry a few months ago.. she wasn't around for my teen stupidity years.. and she blames herself for it.. whatever, it was my choice to walk away from life.. Just cant get her to understand that.. anyhow.. I'll have to post about all that sometime

5. How often do you sing in the shower?
Ummm..Never.. I don't need the dogs howling!

6. Have you ever cooked dinner or any other meal naked? If not, would you?
No, I have never cooked dinner naked... nor do I believe I ever would.. mainly because I could just imagine something disaster's happening and I would end up burning a nipple, or something more drastic!

Please read

I finally added some of my favorite sites to my blog roll...

If you are on there and dont wish to be.. please let me know..

If your not on there and want to be.. please let me know..

ok..that's all I got!!!

Evil am I?

How evil are you? So I took the quiz... and yep.. Im the purest of all evilness.. I guess that sums me up.. I dont work for AOL.. but pretty damn close.. look how far that arrow is in the black? WOOOOOOW... Yep thats me.. E V I L

A month of nothingness

Oh wow.. I just realized I haven't posted in a month..
where the time fly's..

So.. lets see.. what do I have fun and exciting to tell all of you...

I'm down 20lbs.. woo hoo for me.. however.. I lost my boobs!!!
Now THAT is depressing.. I want my girls back.. why is it that they were the first to go?
No No.. I still have more than a handful.. but, there just not all there... and that just really depresses me.. which means, I am going to have to save money up, to have put back what once was there...

Hmmm...what else.. nothing.. work kicks my ass, the kids are kicking my ass, the gas prices are really kicking my ass.. 4.08 a fucking gallon... are u serious?!!!!
Thank gawd I get good gas mileage.. but $50 to fill up the gas tank.. it's getting fucking outrageous.. plus.. food prices are skyrocketing too.. I'm gonna have to sell a kidney just to be able to feed the kids & put gas in the car...

I have no sex life anymore...it's almost as if Ive lost the urge.. what is wrong with me? I'm just so stressed about everything that I just am not so sure about how I would respond to someone right now..Maybe I need to contact my beneficial friend and just take out some aggression.. wonder if that would make me feel better... hmmmm.....

I got a new puppy... here I am bitching about living expenses and what do I do.. I go and get a new freaking puppy.. but damn it.. he's cute.. and HUGE... anyhow..

Nothing else to tell ya, my life has turned into nothing but work, home, dog shows, and that's it.. nada else!!!

Wednesday Weirdness..

during my 2 hrs of internet play today..
I was reading AR's blog..and a new Wednesday game..

So here we go....

Wednesday Weirdness....

1. ) Some people can pull leftovers out of the refrigerator and chow down without warming them up. Others can't. What are some foods that you serve warm but can eat once they're cold?

Pizza - I love cold pizza - it is the BEST hangover breakfast ever!!!
Im not a huge leftover person, no matter what my intention are.. the fam - just doesnt do well with leftovers..

2. ) Have you ever incorporated food into sex before? well yes.. yes I have..
Explain.
Is ice a food? probably not, but during the hot summer months, when he places the ice into his mouth, and rubs it against my southern regions.. that coldness, up against hot flesh, is such a turn on....
Other than that.. the usual I suppose.. whip cream, warm chocolate syrup or caramel syrup - just make sure its not to hot or u will burn yourself.. I guess Im not a huge food/sex person..

3. ) What is one snack you eat that other people may consider odd?
Peanut butter sammys - not unusual I suppose, except I have to put butter on both slices of bread first, then the peanut butter, then the jam..
uummm.. toasted cheese sammys' - but.. I put the bread into the toaster.. then melt the butter on it when it's done.. then slide the cheese on.. wrap it in a papertowel for a few - allowing the warm bread & butter to soak into the bread.. you have to butter your toast and add your cheese very quickly tho!
My son however loves Flutter-Nutters...
white bread, peanut butter & marshmellow creme puff... or I think it's called Jiffy Puff..

ok.. that was fun.. who else is playing?

I was Tagged...flagged, nagged, shagged..

So.. my beautiful blog mate Ozfemme decided to tag me..
ooohh.. ain't you so sweet...

"five things about myself"

Well.. Ive listed a ton of things about myself in this blog.. things that I probably should share.. but I have shared.. things I'm sure NO one wanted to read.. but I did.. but.. here are 5 more things.. that no one should know ... but here ya go..

1) I have the most UGLIEST toes/toenails in the world..
seriously..my big toe.. is HUGE.. HUGE I tell ya.. and mishapped...and my little toe..
ain't so little either...and my toenail on that big toe.. is thick.. and ingrown.. and the pedicure ladies LOVE me..
cuz I have ugly feet.. and I get to here from my pedi lady..
"you have ugly toe"
"you come in once a month"
"you feet nasty"
then they all talk about me in their oriental language, point and laugh at me.. and call me the ugly toe lady..
But.. I leave there and I have pretty feet.. for at least a week..
until I run around outside barefoot.. and well then.. they not so pretty no more!!!

2) I get bored... and restless w/life.. and when I start getting bored and restless.. I tend to do things I shouldn't do.. like.. do shots of tequila at the bar, and allow random guys to photograph my boobies w/their cell phones...
or.. allow random girls at the bar feel me up.. cuz they don't believe me when I tell them that "yes.. they are real.. homegrown..no implants here"
or, I turn into a real bitch..I mean.. a real bitch.. only at the bar, when guys try to pick up on me.. why? Cuz I find it humorous.. the more bitchy I get.. the harder they try.. and they buy me more drinks.. but when I try to be nice, they don't pay any attention to me..so... I cuss them out, I put them down, I tell them off, I don't encourage them.. the more I do this.. the more drinks they buy me..
Weird really..

3) I love whole in the wall, po-dunk, urine smelling, sweaty, dirty bars. Low class society bars. I feel like I'm the princess among all the derelicts of society... what no one realizes is that I'm just poor as they are :)

4) I spend at least 2hrs a day surfing the web while I'm at work.. my boss would be so disappointed in me... but... It's how I pass the day...

5) The guys at work have come up w/a new nick name for me.. "Rain Women" as in Rain Man... because I rattled network stuff off to them w/out thinking.. I guess that's a good thing right?

Ok.. that's it.. I'm gonna tag..
hmmm.... everyone.. who hasn't been tagged yet..
4)

Thumb wrestling - it passes the time

Went back to the dentist yesterday to figure out why exactly I'm still so sore, and cant open my mouth (probably a good thing I'm single right now.. cuz the poor man wouldn't be getting any blow jobs :)

Come to find out, I have an infection in my cheek.. there's a huge lump in the upper right corner of my cheek that I didn't notice, cuz well ... I didn't.. until the dental hygienist stuck her finger in my mouth and was probing around.. I almost hit her, it hurt so freaking bad!!!!

So, now I'm on antibiotics to kill the infection..but hey. I don't have to go in next week for that other filling.. woo hoo!!!!!

The sun is finally trying to show it's beautiful ray of light.. I'm really really hoping that Spring finally comes out to play!!!!

Got a random text message from my Beneficial buddy... he's always telling me that he doesn't chase tail.. so I figured I was tired of trying to put it together all the time, so I stopped contacting him (I know.. how childish of me) but hey.. he sent me a txt the other day to let me know he's been thinking of me, and wants to get together really soon :) oh yeah..that made me happy.. cuz..well.. I really really need to get laid!!!!

What else.. nothing.. I got nothing.. sad isnt it?
Work is still a pain in my ass.. I know longer enjoy my job.. which really sucks... with that being said, my boss decided to pile more projects onto me.. why?

hmmm... I get to go pick up a dog tonight.. I belong to the local Mastiff Rescue..
So, I get to pick up a 1yr old female tonight.. she's got a bum leg, so I get to get her all healthy, and then ship her off to a permanent home.. that's assuming the kiddletts don't fall in love with her.. and I can pretty much say they will.. but.. she WILL be going to a permanent home!!!!

And that's it.. ain't that sad?
My life is turning into nothing..
But.. Summer is around the corner.. hopefully something exciting will start happening.. cuz Im getting bored and restless.. and when I get this way.. I start doing things I shouldn't be doing!!!!

Ramblings.. of nothingness

.... it's been about 2 weeks since my last post... and I really have nothing exciting to say.

I went in for a routine filling last week, and come to find out, that the two other teeth around it were rotten (all those drugs I did when in high school has totalled my teeth) and so 3.5 hrs later my bottom 3 teeth on my right side had to be drilled and reconstructed. I kept telling the dentist to just yank them all out and give me dentures, but he says that believe it or not, the roots and bones are still good and it would be cheaper to work with what I have..
Another reason why drugs are so damn nasty!!! At least my teeth arnt all black and nasty!
The previous fillings on those other teeth were loose and therfore were rotting underneath.. GROSS!!!

Anyhow... it's been a week, and now my cheek is swollen & hurts like hell, and I cant open up my mouth very wide. Dentist suck!!!!

Ive lost another 1.5 lbs... slowly chipping away at this weight.. lets see.. I have aprox. 27 weeks before leaving for Cabo.. I figure if I can loose a pound a week - that's 27 pds that will be gone.. plus the 12 Ive already lost.. I'll be looking fine as hell!!!!
That's assuming I keep up w/the gym.. like Im suppose to!

Anyhow.. Im looking for a new job.. Ive hit a road bump here, and I dont wanna be here anymore. I want to move back to Idaho so badly.. but there are absolutely NO jobs over there. I got offered one last week, but I would be taking a $1000 a month cut in pay.. that's to much! So, I turned it down and let them know that when they want to pay me more to give me a call ;)

And Im out.. that's all I got..

Peace

I will see you on the other side..

Received a phone call last night..
A very dear friend of the families was killed in a motorcycle accident in Texas on Monday.

Was out running errands, hit some debris in the road, and went approx 20 ft, landed on his head.
Died upon impact.... the bike went approx 225 ft.

Our local coroner arrived at his wife's house, here in town (as he was down there for his job)
to notify her.

She was headed to see him on Tuesday, and he was coming home w/in the next few weeks.
She had just spoke to him an hour prior to his death.

Please explain to me, how a man can be taken so quickly?
There are derelicts of society sitting in our prisons, roaming our streets, that continue to take the breath that you and I breath..... and yet, death takes the life of a man, who was truly good!

The wife has to fly to Texas, pick up his ashes, and bring them home.
Carry her husbands ashes onto the plane, and then put the "box" under the seat.
How?

I can not fathom her agony. I know how I feel, and he wasnt my soul mate....

My heart goes out to the family..
Words can not express the loss...

Goodbye..
I will see you on the other side..
Have your "scooter" ready.. we will go for a ride, you can drive.. :)

Down & Dirty

For the past several years, I have had a beneficial friend.. but first, let me provide u with a little background.

I once worked with this girl.. and she would tell you straight up, she only dates bald black men.....
in fact, when I first started my job.. that was on of the first things she told me.. I suppose she felt it was a shock factor.. umm..OK..

She met a guy on line.. she started dating him.. her and I became friends, hanging out together after work.. so forth.. well she decides she's going to fix me up w/his roommate.. who was his cousin.. OK.. sounds good...

That night was a trip to say the least.. I met up w/the cousin.. who stood maybe 5'6 - I'm almost 5'9..I never thought height was an issue, although this night.. it was a little awkward.. we drank, we talked, we had dinner, all very harmless.. well when short man figured out he wasn't gonna get me in bed.. he ran off to bed... my friend ran off too bed as she had had to much to drink..
that left me.. with her boyfriend.. who is one fine fucking bald black man!!!
For those of you who have read my post's before, you have read about him...

That night, he hit on me.. I turned him down.. that ain't right.. in my eyes...
I told my friend the next day... she confronted him.. and he of course denied it.. and that started the downward spiral for her & him.. and her and I..

I did end up hooking up w/the cousin... oh come on people.. a women has got to try things out ;)
and for a short man.. he wasn't bad.. and what does it matter when your laying down? Right? Right..

Fast forward.. they are no more.. her and I are no longer friends..
the boyfriend and I, ended up becoming friends thru the whole thing, alot of drama played out.. he would come to my house for advice, mind you, nothing would happen.. until one night, I decided I couldn't keep my hands off of him.. and one thing led to another, and I had one of THE best nights I had ever had up to that point....

It's now been approximately 5 yrs... and he and I have been enjoying each other's company.. sometimes alot every month.. sometimes, ever few months.. just depends on whats going on in each of our lives...

Once upon a time, I thought I was actually falling for him.. but I gave myself a quick talking to, and decided no.. he was/is way to much of a player for me to get caught up in that shit... I don't need the headache... or the heartache.. so.. I cut things off..
and then he would call.. telling me he missed what we had..
so.. I would invite him back..
then cut things off..
invite him back...
then cut things off...
invite him back..
And each time he came back, the chemistry was more intense.. more fulfilling.. more orgasmic!!!! (is that a word?)

Last time I enjoyed his company.. was on New Years...
oh.. no.. I mean Sunday night..
and.. well.. um... O M F G!!!! (that's = oh my fucking gawd)

IT WAS BEYOND ANYTHING I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!!!

I don't know if it was because it had been over 3 months.. I don't know if it was because he has been working out and, holy wow... he is ripped!!! I don't know if it was because Ive been loosing weight, and toning up... so I am a little more open and adventurous.. I don't know..

But I'm here to tell you now.. He's cuming...over tonight..
why do I tell you all this?
Well because..
I'm exercising..oops.. I mean.. sexercising..
toning up..
getting my leg curls in.. and moving my hips.. and practicing my kegels... hehehe...

Ladies & Gentlemen.. I'm getting laid.. oh hell yeah.. laid..
I know.. some people think it's a personal subject.. but I'm here to shout it from the rooftops..
I'm gonna get me some of that man tonight.. and holy shit!!! It's good!!!!!
He makes my body sing!!!