Tis the Season - So be happy damn it!!!

Thanksgiving came and went this year, 7 days off from work, and I was down and out with the wonderful flu.. I have never, in my life, hurt so much and been so miserable.. I would go thru natural child birth to not have to endure that again, at least w/child birth, you know it will end soon. with the flu, you just wish to die... to not have to endure the pain, the agony!!! Oh the agony..

Christmas is fast approaching, and this year, I am actually going to embrace the Holiday and be thankful for what I have. I know, this shouldnt be something new, but in years that have come and gone, I never really have embraced Christmas, I have always dreaded it. Granted, this year (like most) will be a small Christmas. But I am actually going to attempt to remember what the Holiday truly means. To me, its not about the birth of Christ, as w/most. Because I was raised w/a differant religious preferance than most who may read this. But I am actually going to do a few things this year to make this Holiday better for me and my family.

1) I will be thankful that I have a home
2) I will be thankful that I have my children (no matter HOW much they bug me for and IPOD)
3) I will show my kids, that Christmas is not about what you recieve, but what you are able to give (i.e. love/comfort/support/kind words)
4) I will not allow the affect of others w/in my home to be a downer upon myself (read previous post's and you know there are other idiots living w/me at the time) ( D - I took in a couple homeless guys.. I dont suggest it)

There will be more added to that list, sad that I can only come up w/4 things.. I know there are more, I just need to put more thought into it.
I have always wanted to assist w/the homeless situation (no T & J I wont bring anymore homeless people into my home) but I was thinking, to show my children that things at home are NOT as bad as what could be, maybe assisting at the local soup kitchen, helping w/serving or arranging a food drive. Something.. there has to be something.

Ok.. Thank you to everyone who reads this and comments, I look forward to the comments and the reads... and I hope everyone has very Happy Holidays!

Step up onto my Soap Box

I do apologize for not checking in sooner, but life has been a jumble of confusion and mass irritability.

Bear w/me, as I jump up on my Soap Box & poor me attitude.... ok.. here it goes..
Im a single mother of 2 beautiful children... 12 & 9.. Im 33 yrs old, and have a hell of a time making ends meet. I work fulltime, which actually averages out to about 55 hrs a week, and do my best to show my children about honor, honesty, hard work, achievments, good decisions, so forth and so on. I make pretty good money.. I mean, not alot, but Im doing alright, and I dont recieve child support, as their fathers are ignorant/self centered/assholes..

With that said, I work and work and work to provide a home for my children to teach them right from wrong and to stand on their own two feet, so why is it, that I cant get any type of additional assistance from the state governmant. I pay into it, every payday, money is removed from my check to support those lazy ass individuals who depends on the state of Washington to support them. Yet, I cant get alittle additional help w/medical costs or food allowance. Im not saying that I deserve it, but I am saying, that yeah, I could use an extra $100 a month for food...
there are certain individuals (that will remain nameless) that sit at home, do nothing, watch soap operas, game show's, and Jerry Springer, just waiting for the beginning of the month to roll around so they can go out and shop. Yeah.. pisses me right the hell off! I cant get any assistance, as I sit here and watch my power bill raise due to winter, gas prices being astronomical, car maintence, food, car payment, house payment, ect ect ect.. yeah I know.. shut up V.. and just deal w/it.. thats life, you learn to live w/it, and then you leave the earth and carry on...

I was on welfare when my son was first born, back in 1994... I was still working, but just didnt make enough to support me and my son, Im telling you it was the most embarrassing thing in my entire life, back when food stamps were actual paper money.. before they put it on the credit cards that they have to day. But I remember the sneers, jokes, and disgusted looks that I recieved at the grocery store paying for my food, I recall paying for groceries, when a girl asked her mother what I was using to pay for my food, her mothers reply, "those paper dollars are for lazy people who wont get off their asses and work" Now, wait a minute!!! Um.. I was still working, my hours were cut down due to the time of year, I was living w/friends, but still had to pay my own way... so, needless to say, my mild/meek self just couldnt let it slide.
I turned, I looked Bertha up and down, and I ripped her a new ass... Have you ever walked a mile in my shoes? Do you have any clue WHY I may be needing assistance from the state? Do you even know a PIECE of my story? NO! you dont, so do not EVER pass judgment upon someone else until you know the real story, the history and they WHY's!!! So Fuck you very much! Buh bye now!!!

I know.. Im kind of contradiciting myself in this post.. however... I totally understand being on state assistance because of necessity sickness/disability(as long as its legite disability) family issues, no education, the real reasons... necessity.. because you HAVE to.. not because u want to.. I get all that..Im talking the ones who are just to selfish and/or lazy that will not get a job to do better for themselves.. those are the ones that piss me off..

Ok Ok.. big Soap Box..
Take care..

Peace

Another Week.. Another Dollar

Its Monday ya'll... oh joy fucking joy fucking joy...

Monday's suck... I cant wake up this morning, could it be because I was stuck here (being work) on a Sunday for 4 hrs. Granted its double time, but damn! its a Sunday I am overload, I feel an emotional/mental breakdown coming on, hell, Im gonna go commit a crime to just be able to take a vacation, I will plead insanity, and then I will get a 2 week stint at the local psych ward! I get a bed, 3 meals a day, that I dont have to cook, hot shower and lets not forget.. drugs... blissful happy drugs, all legal mind you. I would be ok w/all that!

Anyhow.. my weekend.. Friday night was a freakin joke..lets see, my daughters father and I got into a large argument.. nothing really new there, as we argue all the time, got home Friday night after taking the wee ones to a "sock hop/harvest festival" at the girls school, it was actually alot of fun.. any how.. got home, and W was, well, pissed off, is actually putting it mildly. He was like a Tiger in a cage who just got shot w/a 30/30! And, me being the bitch that I am, I started laughing at him.. he's ranting, he's raving, he's pissed, his head is about to spin around on his neck. And me, Im laughing at him, hysterically laughing at him and I cant stop. Now, word of advice, dont ever laugh at someone when they look like poltergeist K! K! In the 17 yrs I have known this man, I have never NEVER seen him this pissed off.... in all honesty, I dont remember what the argument really was about, except the fact that he wasnt getting his way, I really do believe he thinks that everyone should tow his line, and do his bidding.. well guess what.. um.. nope.. didnt do it when we were together, aint doing it now... but thats what the problem is, he figures that he's been dealt the shit deal in life, so therefore, those around him should cater to his every need. um.. let me think about this one.. Fuck No!!! DumbAss!

Well, the rest of the weekend, turned out alright, Saturday the wee ones went and stayed the night w/some friends, I was gonna go out and get my drunk on, as after Friday..I kind of needed it.. but, then I decided, I just wanted to spend the evening alone, curled up on the couch, and watch stupid movies..all by my wee little self, so I kicked W out, and R (he's the other roommate) told them to be gone, and I did! I sat home, ate like a freakin' pig, which I will pay for at the gym tonight, and watched corny movies. I watched my most favorite movie of all time. Hope Floats...
So just remember...

You just have to give Hope a chance to Float up.

Peace!

OH Sleepy Dreams..Where are you??

INSOMNIA!!!

I just wanna sleep, why cant I sleep?
My mind wont turn off
Things running through
Images flashing by
Did I pay that bill?
what's that noise?
The dop pacing back and forth
acting like a soldier protecting its home.
I have to complete that report at work
what's the time line?
Do I have all the information
Do I have all the proper materials
Are my kids happy?
Did I turn off the stove?
I should of stayed up later and done more laundry
I need a smoke
restless
anxious
non stop thinking
running
going
coming
leaving
what?
sleep....
relax.....
calm.....
deep breath.....
inhale...
exhale....
blank....
no thoughts.....
sleep....
just wanna sleep....





oh.. I have Vicadin!!!!
Nighty night!!!
sleep tight..
as snug as a bug in a rug!!!
ah... Finally... Dreams....

MORNING!!!!
I finally slept!!!
Yeah me!!!!

Rainy day's bring on the Downer Monster

I love the rain, why else would I live in the Pacific Northwest, however, there are times when I step outside and the drops from the heavens are still falling to the ground, that you realize there is a cloud hanging over your head.

Driving into work today, I looked over at an open field, that amazingly enough has not been bulldozed for more fucking housing, any how.. I see a dog limping across the field, thinly covered in the mist/fog, and as the dog come's towards the traffic, I realize, its a Coyote.... it stops, and looks, with its front paw bent up, a loan tan coyote, in a field, early in the morning, w/mist and fog surrounding it... and I swear, as I sat there at the stop light, and looked at the coyote, with the rain falling on my windshield, no radio, the kids were quiet, all we could here was the rain falling on the car, and the sound of the windshield wipers, and I swear, that Coyote and I had a moment... as we stared at each other, eye to eye, with the elements surrounding us, I heard him say.. stop devoloping my home! My family and I are being ran out, where will we go? How will I feed my children? What will I do, then he turned, and started back towards the thick fog, and w/one last glance over his shoulder I heard " Remember me, I too, am here, living, breathing and surviving" and then he disappeared among the fog, mist & rain...

Did I really see him? Did anyone else see him? Yes, he was there, the kids saw him and they too were just as memorized as I. And, then the light changes, and off to the hussle and bussle of the Monday morning commute and then I hear my son say, Mom..the coyote is heartbroken. You could see it in his eyes.

Yes, honey.. I know..
His day will come
He will be free
and able to roam where he's ment to be
all things come accordingly
and all things get what they deserve.
So mote it be!

Somedays are better than Others

Well I'll be a June bug on a hot summer night!!!!

Here at work, we have something called Thrive awards..
and today.. I found out I got a nice Thrive award...
I dont know from who.. and I dont know why.. all I know is
that I have an extra cash that is now burning a large whole in my pocket...

What ever should I buy???
Or should I be a good girl, and pay off a few of those over hanging bills???

Either way, its nice to be reconized for something..
and here I was HATING my job.

Thank you Corporate America! I appreciate it!!!!!

Your Element is Earth

Your power color: yellow Your energy: balancing Your season: changing of seasons Dedicated and responsible, you are a rock to your friends.You are skilled at working out even the most difficult problems.Low key and calm, you are happiest when you are around loved ones.Ambitious and goal oriented, you have long term plans to be successful.

What'>http://ynr.blogthings.com/whatelementareyouquiz/">What Element Are You?

Something Fun

So I sent out an email, something stupid and fun to see what response's I would get back
the question was
One word..... Describe me in ONE WORD - just one. Send it to me (only me) then forward .

The response's were interesting...
Here ya go

Shane: Uninhibited
Shelley: Vibrant
James: Amazing
Mason: Amazing
Jon: Hottie
Stephanie: Adventurer
My Mother: MINE
Debbie: Vivacious

Just something fun... 2 guys thought I was amazing.. yet, they really dont "KNOW" me

Random thoughts

Do you ever wonder, what you would change if you could go back in time and change some of the things that you had done?

Wow, I have made so many mistakes and have so many transgressions that I should be ashamed of. But seriously... Would I change any of it? Who would I be today if I had not dropped out of school? If I had not left home at 14? If I had not seen and done some of the unnecessary evils that I committed through out those adolescent teen years?
Would I still be who I am?
Then again, exactly who am I?
Do I even know who I am?
Do you know who you are?
Seriously sit down and think about it, how do you view yourself?
How do others view you?
I like to think Im fair/compassionate/kind/caring/sincere/funny/smart
a non-bullshitter I guess.
I live according to the rules that I have made up out of my own life, I don't break the law, unless I feel its absolutely necessary (well except for my lead foot when I drive)
I don't steal/don't commit any heinous acts upon others.

Im a good person. Im a beautiful person inside and out
so over all.. its a good thing that Im me
and that all the things Ive done through out my life has made me who I am today.
I may not be all that book smart, but sometimes you will get farther in life having "street" knowledge, than book knowledge.

Whats your thoughts?

Monday, Monday

Its another fun filled day in the work arena..

My weekend.. nothing really to report
Went shopping at Costco.. they really need to change the name of that store, to something like, over $200 store, I can NEVER get outta that store under $200.. never fails.. and word of advice, never go grocery shopping when your hungry!! I bough crap that I dont need, nor do the kids.. oh well..

Saved a 7mo old pit bull from death, so needless to say, I now have a damn dog. Mind you, I love dogs, and I have been wanting one, but pits are NOT my breed of choice. But I couldnt allow them to put him down, long story short, he's an AKC registerd full blood Pit. He's adorable, Oscar the Cat Slayer is his registerd name. So what does that tell you?! So far, all is well, he's a lap dog, right now he probably weights about 40lbs, white/carmel color, good disposition, great w/the kids, hardly barks, but doesnt realize the strength & power that is behind him. Once he does, Im gonna have my hands full! And I thought the wee ones would be difficult. This would be one of those times I say "what was I thinking?"

In other news... my roommate (who's my ex) walked into his ex-wife's house to pick up his daughter, walked into his ex's bedroom (not sure why, not my business) and walked into a cloud of meth smoke. Nice huh? Anyhow, so he grabbed his daughter and his ex's other child and left, brought them to my house, contacted the father of the son (who has custody of his son because mom gave him up when he was 2 cuz she didnt really want him) and together they contacted CPS (child protective services) the local police wrote statements, and so forth and so on.
Now, this crack head is something else. I have known here for a few years and she is the most backstabbing/lieing/selfish/self centered bitch you will EVER meet. Not sure what he's planning on doing, as he has no way of taking care of her, he has no legal parental rights and he's sleeping on my couch for gawd sakes. But, nobody wants her to go to state care, so if push comes to shove I guess she could come to my house, however I would be the one who would probably be help responsible as R (the dad) is on probation and has a warrant out for his arrest as he's been neglecting his probation (can u say dumbass) mainly cuz he's been trying to take care of his job and daughter as I found out, he's known about this little drug habit for some time.

Stay tuned in for more drama... Happy Monday

Am I just a Bitch?

So, we have been extremely short staffed here at work, hiring freeze has been in full force, until finally management has realized that some of us have been working 12 hr days and working on the weekends. So finally, we get new-hires. Not FTE.. oh no, cant go there, but temps... to come in, do parts of our jobs, to make things easier on us, then they are gone... so we can end up working OT again.

So, I get myself a "newbie" I have to train her on a piece of my job, so she can pick up for me because Im covering 3 peoples position. So Im training, and I ask her a question if she had read one of our manuals and if she understood everything, cuz its kind of technical, I mean, Hi.. I work in the Telecommunications Industry for an SS7 provider.. we provide networking and database services across the world. Anyhow, I ask her if she was able to understand what she read and if she needed to sit w/Product management maybe to understand, ( I know for me, just reading the written word... Doesn't always understand, Im a diagram kind of gal) anyhow.. she looks me dead in the eye and says... " I do know how to read & Im a good reader"
K... um.. great.. Did I fucking ask you if you know how to read????!!!!

I mean, wow... Don't try to impress me, I don't sign your paychecks, but don't ever take that tone of voice w/me again and don't ever be so condescending. Must just be me, cuz it totally pissed me off.
Now, mind you, I have a rep around work of being a non-bullshitter. Im straight to the point, and could care less if I upset you or make you sad. Im not here to make friends, Im here to do my job, (which I completely enjoy) and get my paycheck to take care of whats mine. And Im damn good at my job, granted like everyone I do make mistakes.. but I will fess up and take full responsibility..and correct what I screwed up on. (doesn't happen often but it happens)

Where was I? So, about 3 min later, if that... I told her to go sit w/someone else, cuz she royally ticked me off and I just couldn't assist her anylonger..

So.. am I just a bitch? did I take it to personal? Or was she thinking that I was downgrading her

whatever.. I don't have time for this shit!

Damn!!!!

Ever have those days when you just want to be left the fuck alone?

I stayed home from work yesterday, as I have the worse case of bronchitas, and my co-workers are getting a tad irritated w/me for coughing and spreading my germs through the air ducts.
So, I left early Monday, and decided to say screw it, and stayed home yesterday. Well, I basically slept my life away yesterday after getting the wee ones off to school.

Last night, Im laying in bed, hadnt taken a shower, only brushed my teeth, feeling like death was standing at the foot of my bed, crookin' his wee little finger at me, saying.. "come here little girl, this big daddy wants to show you hell's kitchen" when in walks W... he's my daughters father who has been staying w/me.. he jumps on the bed, lays on top of me, and is kissin' my neck and running his hands all over me.

um.. hmmm....lets see.. WTF???!!!! I dont feel good, and I KNOW I dont look good, so get the fuck up jack ass!!! So Im twisting and Im turning, and Im bitchin' and its turning him on... dude just got it the other night (ok, so we aint together but damn that man can fuck!!! TMI huh?)
anyhow... I get pissy..then I go into a coughing fit, and so then he gets pissed, and finally goes downstairs.. he's gone for like an hr.... which is fine by me.. later!!!
So what does he do???? Are you ready for this? Are ya sittin down? ok.. he brings me up my favorite homemade mint chocolate chip cookies... and a glass of 7up... for me, he went downstairs and made me cookies.. cuz I didnt feel good... now is that a good man or what? It was so sweet of him.

So moral of the story..
Sometimes being a bitch does pay off...
All I wanted was to be left alone in my misery so I could die in peace. Is that to much to ask for?
Then the dumb-ass had to go and do something nice for me, so I couldnt even be pissy w/him? Yeah, I know..I should be greatful and thankful and whatever else.

Ok..I am... but again... what about me eating those few cookies, when I probably should of just taped them straight to my ass!!! haha.. more later

10 Facts Men Dont Know about Women

I dont agree w/all these... I actually love a good Mettalica concert...


1. We are more vulgar than you. We just aren't as loud.
2. We don't really mind when you leave the toilet seat up. It's evidence that you didn't piss all over it.
3. We drink till you're cute too.
4. Whoever told you that we love spooning is wrong. You fall asleep immediately, and we're pinned under your heavy, sweaty limbs, trying desperately to break free before you start snoring.
5. No, we don't want to listen to you play the Guns N' Roses song you just learned on your guitar (or bass or drums). We are not in college anymore. Sitting on your couch while you struggle through "November Rain" is painful. Have mercy.
6. "You are so smart" actually means, "You are so adorable when you try to act smart."
7. Sexy beats cute. Smart trumps sexy. Funny takes the pot.
8. When we say cool, really, wow, and huh, we're not listening, either.
9. We don't really expect you to like romantic comedies. We just make you watch them as a payback for all the baseball games, Metallica concerts, and Super Bowl parties we sit through with you. And for the record, we, unlike you, have yet to fall asleep in the middle of any of them.
10. We never fake orgasms. Okay, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency.

Why there was no looting after Hurricane Rita....  

Ah...the wee ones

I love my sister

My kids are such photo hounds.. and clowns to say the least...
however for as much as they like to pretend they despise each other
this is one of the many pic's that they took together where they actually seem
to like each other...

Arnt they cute??? Now if they would just get a job and support me in the fashion I wish
to become accustomed to..all would be well..LOL.. just kidding.. Im not ready for them to grow up yet.

Kids n Drugs

So Im watching the news last night and on comes a report about a 3yr old
who was brought to the Centralia Hospital, high on meth. Crystal Meth, that was probably just laying around his house because one of his loving parents is a drug addict, and as most children that age do, he puts it in his mouth, and what do you know.. the kid is seeing purple and pink dinosaures flying across the room, and running around so damn quick that it gives a whole new meaning to ADHD.

Where are these parents minds? Granted, they are higher than the Empire State building, but, where were their minds prior to gettin' hooked? Been there done that, and you know what, when I found out that I was bringing another life into this world that I was going to have devote the next 25 yrs to someone else, to raise them according to what they should be, to help them understand right from wrong, morals, caring, loving individuals and who can help this fucked up society that we currently live in.

The report goes on to say, that in Lewis County (where that child resides) almost 75% of the children in foster care there were pulled out due to their parents being drug addicts or alcholics.
Its so sad, I look at my children, and their are days that I feel I am not providing for them the way I wish to, but you know what. They are not living w/strangers, their mother isnt a crack whore, they have food on the table, clean clothes on their backs, a bed to sleep in and an occasional outting to a nice place.

So you know what.. help a child in need. There are those that are worse off.
And my heart goes out to that small child

Get me outta here!  

Relaxed and peaceful

I got laid!!!

I know, like ya'll give a damn,
But whats amazing as what is does for the body.
The relaxation, the inner peace..the all.

Im sure I sound like a slut, but hey... it wasnt like I picked the guy up at the local whore hole, nope.. its my daughters father, so its not like I havnt been there before. Whats a little "fuck buddy" action?

Friends w/benefits? Stress reliever? um.. its all good.. and let me tell you.. it was all GOOD!!!

I do apologize

Not that anyone else reads this.. but I do apologize for just leaving like that.. wow.. its been awhile...

Same ol' drama same ol' day in the life of Me

W is still here, R is poking around again.

Work is a pain in the arse

The kids are alive and well

Ive been sicker than a dog the last week, but still able to make it into work every day

My 33rd birthday is coming up.. and Im kind of dreading it

I havent gotten laid in almost a month.. and Im not a happy person to be around

Im still loosing weight though, so thats a plus.. of course guess it helps if I eat

Im about ready to go buy a new B.O.B maybe that will make me somewhat happier, with no chances of catching anything

oh yeah.. alls well!!!!

More Info

Ok... I figured I would provide a little bit more info on me....

I grew up in a basic normal family, I guess, Mom/Dad, 2 brothers, my Grandfather (my dad's dad) and my Grandmother (my mom's mom) all lived w/us.
My Grandfather pass on my birthday, the day I turne 8. So I have that lovely memory every year. And my Grandmother passed when I was 17, from Alzheimers. sad sad sad.. me and grammy were very close.
Anyhow... my parents seperated when I was like 12, I was given the choice to move w/my mother to California, or stay in Washington w/my father...hmmm...lets think about this, Im gonna stay in WA where all my friends are, duh!!!
So..I stayed, and discovered some extra curricular activities w/my friends, such as a little Mary Jane... which went into some drinking, into some crystal meth, into acid, into lets party all the time oh this is fun, fuck life, and lets just become a drug addict and oh while Im at it.. I think I should leave home at 14 and live on the streets... no wait... I should go home, so off and on the streets for a few years. Then at 16, I tried to clean up a little bit, was home, got a job, was going to school.. and then I met J... 23 yrs old, no responsibilities, and he had the hook up's. Lets quit school, fuck the job, and go live w/J on the streets and become more of an addict. Aww yeah... life was great.. me J and my friend S and her man JR, lets go party by the lake, get fucking wasted and oh crap..there's the police, they call my father, who says throw her in jail I dont want her around my house, so the cops call S's mom.. who worked for the County Sherriff's office, who offers to come pick us up (mind you we were drunk off our asses and/or higher than kites, dont remember which..) she picks us up, drops us off at her house, we say fuck you all.. and have J & JR pick us up, and we are on the run... head to Eastern WA, to stay w/S's father who um.. well didnt recieve us well, so lets live in the car.. sounds like fun huh!!! did that for a few months, then S&JR hitchhike home, and J & I and another couple who we befriended, decide to steal a car and head to San Diego.... what a ride, what a trip... and OMG we didnt get caught.. until me and my stupid wisdom, lets stop at my Aunties house to get some $$$...
Isnt this boring shit??? Anyhow..long story short.. I stay at my Aunties, who passes me off on my cousin, J , S & JR leave... and Im stuck in LA.. (by the way... hated it) so I hitchhike back to WA...
I hooked up with an outreach program, just shy of my 17th birthday.. and let me tell you, they turned my shit around. Job training, college, off the dope, back on my feet, back in w/the family and all's getting hella better...
Had my wee ones.. and WOW..theres so much more.. but I dont wanna bore you right outta the gate.. stay tuned.. I left ALOT out!!

Later