I dont have any idea how to start this blog, so many things running thru my head today, thoughts, feelings, mixed emotions I feel like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment.
Im lonely.. Im 33 fucking years old, and Im lonely. All my life consist's of, is work & home. My life revolves around my kids. It's always about them and their needs and their wants and what do I get in return for it? Nothing.. absolutely fucking nothing. and im tired.. tired of the same thing day in and day out. why cant I find someone.. or something that will occupy me.. Just ME.. not body else.. I need something for myself, everything is for someone else lately. The little master of the house or the little princess wanna be. All I know is what the fuck about me?
I sound so selfish, but is it a crime to want to be able to do for myself?
I miss having someone's arms around me, being able to cuddle up next to someone on the couch and just watch a good movie, or laying in bed in the warmth of someone else's body, feeling safe and content. I miss kissing.. I love to kiss.. I miss lips on lips, tongue to tongue, the forplay... sensuality.. all of it.... I dont want to just get laid.. to fuck to fuck.. but to belong to someone.. is that so bad?
And now for the poor me syndrome......
what is it about me that turns men off? Im not the hunchback of Notre Dam.. Im not homely, ugly, destitute or boring.. Im just me.. is it my harsh reality? Is it my attitude? The fact that Im a single mother of 2 kids? What? what in the hell is it? I am a strong women, and I wont put up w/peoples shit for long. I do hold a grudge, but.. Im loving, caring, kind and protective. Maybe it is me..it must be me.. duh.. what was I thinking..
I hate people that are always so down and out and negative.. and guess what..Im being one of those people now... and I hate myself for that. I need to snap outta it and get my shit together and just deal.
I love my kids.. they are my life.. but they are life draining from time to time... nothing is about me anymore.. everything is about them.. and that is the way it should be.. and the way it will continue to be.. Im ok with that.. but I do need to bitch..and complain and feel sorry for me once in awhile, and that's what Im doing..
ok.. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July...
Peace
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
New Happenings & the demon
Some things new have happened...
We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.
Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.
Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?
No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!
I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.
Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"
We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.
Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.
Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?
No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!
I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.
Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"
Friday, June 02, 2006
Random voices within
Nothing to really report, sad isnt it?
It's funny how life throws you curve balls
what's even more amazing, is how a body knows when to duck and turn and slide to get the hell out of the way of those curve balls.
~ I really miss my dog. He was such a cool dog... we had gotten him from a friend of mine who had rescued him from an abusive home. At first, I was really concerned on how he would react to the kids and ferrett due to his mistreatment, but he turned into the biggest love bug that I had ever met in a Pit Bull. I have never been a Pit fan, due to their reputation, but one thing you have to remember is the fact that the majority of a dogs personality is in the handlers. Oscar loved to sit on my lap, sleep next to me on the bed. He was a lounger!
Im sorry my dear friend. I miss you, however Im glad you were killed instantly and felt no pain.
He looked up at me, with my hand holding his head, licked my palm and quietly went to the other side.
~ Why do we fall in love with those that can not return the love? What makes you attracted to those that are not good for you? Is it the fear of being alone? Or is it the thought that you can change someone for the better? Knowing full well that you should never try to change someone, you should accept and acknowledge that person for who they are. And yet... I continue to try to make them different? Is that fair to them? Is that fair to me? No... simply.. No... and yet I continue to do so. So how does one correct that? Im not sure.. but that brings me to another question.. what is love? Between a couple? What makes a person fall in love w/another person?
Maybe it's just me.. but when I think Im in love.. I tend to fall out rather quickly. I start to pick them apart, find everything I can that annoys me. Is this my way of ending a relationship before I end up getting hurt? Or is it because I just have no desire to really be in a relationship? Hmmm... things to ponder.
~ Am I a good mother? I love my babies with everything w/in me. I would lay my life down for them in a heartbeat. I do the most that I can do for them and give up so much of myself for them. And yet, I do yell, I do scream. Not the most pleasant mommy in the world. I rarely spank them, never slap them. I do tend to cuss.. (I know I know bad mommy!!! ) I go month's and months and months w/out new things.. just to provide for them. They are well rounded.. They are good kids (for the most part there are times when I just wanna lock myself in a room and never come out) But I look at some kids and realize that Im doing an ok job.. I could be a hell of alot worse. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how much they mean to me? Do they have any clue how their dis-respect from time to time kills me inside? It's just little things.. sometimes Im not sure if my voice is heard. I know it is... what am I asking here? yes I love my babies.. and they love me... it's tough being a single mom.. but you know.. I wouldnt change it for anything in the world. We have fun together.. somedays are trying..I wont lie.. somedays are great.. they are both coming into their own, and watching their little personalities shine thru is a wonder.
Yet is scares me.. I look at my son and realize that he currently the age I was when I walked down the wrong path in life.. It took me 7 yrs to straighten that path out. What will I do if he decides to follow my footsteps? How will I be able to save him? One day at a time.. just one day at a time. I hope I am instilling in both of my kids, the knowledge that I have gained thru out my years.
Oh there is more.. but I should really get to work now.
Peace
Friday, May 26, 2006
So many day's gone bye
Wow... havnt posted in a while
so many thought's running thru my troubled mind
just not sure where to start
I think of things and have beautiful post's written in my minds eye
and yet I go to put them on here and I go blank
I need to get paper and pen to jot down my thoughts
but would I understand them when I go back to read them?
Baseball season for my son is winding up. He's come so far
He pitched in last night's game, he has such beautiful strength and so much
power in his arm, he needs to learn to control it and to calm down. He puts
so much pressure on himself when he pitches...took him a few pitches to get the first batter out... .. 2nd batter up, 3 beautiful pitches and batter out!!!! 3rd batter, strike 1, strike 2, and damn, batter hit's 3rd pitch, pop up fly right in front of the mound... my son run's up, dives for the ball, and catches just before it hits the ground. It litterally brought a tear to my eye. Never have I been more proud of him. The stands went wild... people were standing and clapping and cheering!!! A very proud moment for him.. and for me...
Two more games for the girl child in soccer, she's doing well, not bad really for her first
"organized" sport. I dont think she realized how much running is involved w/soccer. She has made a few beautiful passes, she just needs to be a little more aggressive and not afraid to get kicked. Im so proud of her too.. she's come a long way since that first practice 2 months ago.
Other than that.. things are so ho hum right now.. between work, sports, homework, cooking, laundry (which is never ending) house work, and trying to get some me time. I have nothing overly exciting to report. Ho Hum.. another boring day in my life... its just over and over and over again.. mundane!!!
So, on to other things... (random finger thoughts here) Alot of thought going thru my head lately never sure how to express exactly how I feel, or what Im thinking and when I do try to express myself it seems that my words come out all jumbled and confusing. I have a lack of communication skills maybe. I either say it to blunt and hurt someone's feelings, or I just clam up and make a joke out of it. Either way probably isnt the appropriate way but hell, thats me, dont like it your problem not mine. But still there has to be a way that is more endearing or caring or whatever.
So my oldest dearest friend calls the other day and tells me she is sick of her husband. She wants to leave him.. ok I say.. where you going, who you staying with, when do you want me to help you move.... Now of course Im not going to make excuses for him, I will support her, as she has been my friend for 20+ yrs (damn that just dated me) he's much younger than she, she has one child from a previous relationship and then they have one together. The way he treats those kids differently really pisses me off. I understand one is his and the other isnt, and I understand that he feels intimidated by the oldest child I mean lets face it, he dropped out in 8th grade, can barely read or write, and the oldest is in 5th, and way to smart for her own good. I understand he is trying to prove his "maleness" in the house, but DAMN!!!!! dont be such an asshole!! He wont listen, all he does is yell, and when he drinks.. holy shit... instant Asshole, just add alcohol... I like him I do.. he has a place in my heart, he's a good guy, really he is.. but.. there are things that I do not agree with. I keep my mouth shut for the most part, until he says or does something to me, my kids, his oldest step child or to my friend... then, well.. the she-bitch is unleashed... so far, I have not gone off on himto terribaly bad.. but I can feel deep w/in me the day is coming. They will end up divorced because she is so much older and mature and he is still a young pup. I feel for her.. I really do.. I just wish she would realize that co-dependancy is a disease & hinderance.. and that her relationship w/her husband is jeopardizing the relationship w/her oldest.
Ok.. anyhow.. love.. what is it? seriously? 3 little words that have a very deep and complicated definition. I once thought I had found it, I once thought I knew what it ment. But that was a long time ago. Today, I dont have any understanding of it. I thought I was in love about a year ago. Then I realized I was in love w/the thought of being in love. Two very seperate things. So what is it?
Yeah..still dont know..
so.. I will leave you with that question today.. or tomorrow...or for whenever you come up with an answer. Let me know.. Im dying to find out!
Peace everyone
so many thought's running thru my troubled mind
just not sure where to start
I think of things and have beautiful post's written in my minds eye
and yet I go to put them on here and I go blank
I need to get paper and pen to jot down my thoughts
but would I understand them when I go back to read them?
Baseball season for my son is winding up. He's come so far
He pitched in last night's game, he has such beautiful strength and so much
power in his arm, he needs to learn to control it and to calm down. He puts
so much pressure on himself when he pitches...took him a few pitches to get the first batter out... .. 2nd batter up, 3 beautiful pitches and batter out!!!! 3rd batter, strike 1, strike 2, and damn, batter hit's 3rd pitch, pop up fly right in front of the mound... my son run's up, dives for the ball, and catches just before it hits the ground. It litterally brought a tear to my eye. Never have I been more proud of him. The stands went wild... people were standing and clapping and cheering!!! A very proud moment for him.. and for me...
Two more games for the girl child in soccer, she's doing well, not bad really for her first
"organized" sport. I dont think she realized how much running is involved w/soccer. She has made a few beautiful passes, she just needs to be a little more aggressive and not afraid to get kicked. Im so proud of her too.. she's come a long way since that first practice 2 months ago.
Other than that.. things are so ho hum right now.. between work, sports, homework, cooking, laundry (which is never ending) house work, and trying to get some me time. I have nothing overly exciting to report. Ho Hum.. another boring day in my life... its just over and over and over again.. mundane!!!
So, on to other things... (random finger thoughts here) Alot of thought going thru my head lately never sure how to express exactly how I feel, or what Im thinking and when I do try to express myself it seems that my words come out all jumbled and confusing. I have a lack of communication skills maybe. I either say it to blunt and hurt someone's feelings, or I just clam up and make a joke out of it. Either way probably isnt the appropriate way but hell, thats me, dont like it your problem not mine. But still there has to be a way that is more endearing or caring or whatever.
So my oldest dearest friend calls the other day and tells me she is sick of her husband. She wants to leave him.. ok I say.. where you going, who you staying with, when do you want me to help you move.... Now of course Im not going to make excuses for him, I will support her, as she has been my friend for 20+ yrs (damn that just dated me) he's much younger than she, she has one child from a previous relationship and then they have one together. The way he treats those kids differently really pisses me off. I understand one is his and the other isnt, and I understand that he feels intimidated by the oldest child I mean lets face it, he dropped out in 8th grade, can barely read or write, and the oldest is in 5th, and way to smart for her own good. I understand he is trying to prove his "maleness" in the house, but DAMN!!!!! dont be such an asshole!! He wont listen, all he does is yell, and when he drinks.. holy shit... instant Asshole, just add alcohol... I like him I do.. he has a place in my heart, he's a good guy, really he is.. but.. there are things that I do not agree with. I keep my mouth shut for the most part, until he says or does something to me, my kids, his oldest step child or to my friend... then, well.. the she-bitch is unleashed... so far, I have not gone off on himto terribaly bad.. but I can feel deep w/in me the day is coming. They will end up divorced because she is so much older and mature and he is still a young pup. I feel for her.. I really do.. I just wish she would realize that co-dependancy is a disease & hinderance.. and that her relationship w/her husband is jeopardizing the relationship w/her oldest.
Ok.. anyhow.. love.. what is it? seriously? 3 little words that have a very deep and complicated definition. I once thought I had found it, I once thought I knew what it ment. But that was a long time ago. Today, I dont have any understanding of it. I thought I was in love about a year ago. Then I realized I was in love w/the thought of being in love. Two very seperate things. So what is it?
Yeah..still dont know..
so.. I will leave you with that question today.. or tomorrow...or for whenever you come up with an answer. Let me know.. Im dying to find out!
Peace everyone
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Questions to Ponder
My last post was concerning my vacation...
and w/in it I stated that I am a supporter of the war.
For reason's of my own.
However a friend of mine posted a comment and had some valid questions
so Mason, I will answer your questions, if not just because you hold a special
place w/in my heart....
Mason's Comment:
You are a very strong a powerful spirit. Thank you Mason.. that means something to me.
But, why do you support the war? I feel that it is w/in our rights as the country that came under attack from some barbaric forces to defend what is ours.
If your son was old enough to be drafted, would you support it still? Well...that's a double edged sword isnt it. But yes.. I would...
Would you support him killing other people because they don't like us? They dont kill just to kill Mason.. they kill to survive, and to remove those on this earth that wish to do harm. There is a differance between a cold murderer and someone who is doing their duty
There are a lot of people that don't like America, but why waste our time killing them? Why do they waste their time in killing Americans? Why do they waste their time on raping and maming and wasting what God has given them?
I just don't see any love in wanting to kill or hurt anyone. There is no love in it.. except for the love of your country and your fellow Americans. Except for the love in wanting to protect what is yours and to make sure that what you leave behind is a better future and tomorrow for their children, your children, my children. To make sure that their is a tomorrow for everyone.
If you have to defend yourself, that is one thing. they are defending themselves, and they are defending you, your neighbors, those that fight do it for their own reasons. They are not doing it just for the hell of it... they do it because they believe in it.
But to go over to someone elses country and kill them becuase they don't like you, well, that doesn't sound to good to me.Do you know what I mean? But yet, they came over to our country, and killed us? So, for America to turn tail and run? No... I dont think so... what makes it ok for others to come to our country.. our land of the free... those of us w/in the USA that have given them jobs, education, freedom... and then for them to blow up our people? Does that make it ok?
War.What is it good for?Peace? Yes... overall the outcome should be Peace...but some things, do take time, tears & sweat.. it will NOT happen over night
Why can't we all live in it? Mason, honey.. there will never be peace.. never has been.. and it wont happen.. but, you must fight for what you believe in. Whether that be helping others, hugging a tree, developing the cure for uncurable disease, or going to war with those that threaten you.... it's the way of the world... deal with it!
But we can practice peace with our families and friends. Yes.. you are correct here.. practice peace w/in our families.. with our friends and strangers you encounter on the street... but DO NOT attack what is ours.. because if you do.. just as Toby Keith states.. We will put a boot in your ass!!!!
And respect those different from us. Did we ask them to come to our homeland and attack us? Like a load of chicken shits? come in the back door and blow us away? To kill 3000+ of our brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/grandchildren? No.. we did not. So to sit back and do NOTHING... is NOT the American way... we defend what is ours... we figth to maintain F R E E D O M!!!
There are going to be alot that disagree with me. And Im ok with that. That's one of the best things about America. We have the freedom of speech. We have the freedom to disagree and the freedom to free press. The freedom to be who we are. We are off all races.. all religions, all creeds.. America as a whole is one large melting pot of Human Beings...
That's my story.. and Im sticking to it!!!
Peace!!!
and w/in it I stated that I am a supporter of the war.
For reason's of my own.
However a friend of mine posted a comment and had some valid questions
so Mason, I will answer your questions, if not just because you hold a special
place w/in my heart....
Mason's Comment:
You are a very strong a powerful spirit. Thank you Mason.. that means something to me.
But, why do you support the war? I feel that it is w/in our rights as the country that came under attack from some barbaric forces to defend what is ours.
If your son was old enough to be drafted, would you support it still? Well...that's a double edged sword isnt it. But yes.. I would...
Would you support him killing other people because they don't like us? They dont kill just to kill Mason.. they kill to survive, and to remove those on this earth that wish to do harm. There is a differance between a cold murderer and someone who is doing their duty
There are a lot of people that don't like America, but why waste our time killing them? Why do they waste their time in killing Americans? Why do they waste their time on raping and maming and wasting what God has given them?
I just don't see any love in wanting to kill or hurt anyone. There is no love in it.. except for the love of your country and your fellow Americans. Except for the love in wanting to protect what is yours and to make sure that what you leave behind is a better future and tomorrow for their children, your children, my children. To make sure that their is a tomorrow for everyone.
If you have to defend yourself, that is one thing. they are defending themselves, and they are defending you, your neighbors, those that fight do it for their own reasons. They are not doing it just for the hell of it... they do it because they believe in it.
But to go over to someone elses country and kill them becuase they don't like you, well, that doesn't sound to good to me.Do you know what I mean? But yet, they came over to our country, and killed us? So, for America to turn tail and run? No... I dont think so... what makes it ok for others to come to our country.. our land of the free... those of us w/in the USA that have given them jobs, education, freedom... and then for them to blow up our people? Does that make it ok?
War.What is it good for?Peace? Yes... overall the outcome should be Peace...but some things, do take time, tears & sweat.. it will NOT happen over night
Why can't we all live in it? Mason, honey.. there will never be peace.. never has been.. and it wont happen.. but, you must fight for what you believe in. Whether that be helping others, hugging a tree, developing the cure for uncurable disease, or going to war with those that threaten you.... it's the way of the world... deal with it!
But we can practice peace with our families and friends. Yes.. you are correct here.. practice peace w/in our families.. with our friends and strangers you encounter on the street... but DO NOT attack what is ours.. because if you do.. just as Toby Keith states.. We will put a boot in your ass!!!!
And respect those different from us. Did we ask them to come to our homeland and attack us? Like a load of chicken shits? come in the back door and blow us away? To kill 3000+ of our brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/grandchildren? No.. we did not. So to sit back and do NOTHING... is NOT the American way... we defend what is ours... we figth to maintain F R E E D O M!!!
There are going to be alot that disagree with me. And Im ok with that. That's one of the best things about America. We have the freedom of speech. We have the freedom to disagree and the freedom to free press. The freedom to be who we are. We are off all races.. all religions, all creeds.. America as a whole is one large melting pot of Human Beings...
That's my story.. and Im sticking to it!!!
Peace!!!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Vacation Come & Gone
Well we made it safe and sound from our vacation.
The wee ones and I left on the night of 4/9/06 returned on 4/17/06
Headed out for our first "family" vacation.
What an adventure...my 9 yr olds first cross
country flight.. Left Seattle at 12:34 am (red eye flights)
of course our plane was suppose to leave at 11, and was delayed over an hr
mechanical problems and it had to return to Phoenix before coming to Seattle
yeah.. made me feel a little uncomfortable...but hell.. were still alive!!!
Landed in Philly at 8:01 am.. ( we were so tired)
had enough time to make our connecting flight.. and headed to Baltimore
Landed in Baltimore.. my Mommy picked us up..
and we were headed off to the land of the unknown
Of course, my Mom couldn't get that day off work, so she dropped us off at her
house for us to get some much needed rest and she was off to finish up her day.
Now, to remind you.. my kids are 9 & 12... they slept just fine on the plane, I on the other
hand did not (as I cant sleep on planes) so they were ready to go!!!
I wanted to just lay down, close my eyes, and call it a day...or night..or whatever...just let me sleep!!!
I finally threatened them w/in an inch of their lives and we all slept wonderfully for almost 3 hrs!!!!! YES!!!!
The next day... we were well rested and ready to go...
sight seeing is a work out on it's own. Especially in Washington DC during Spring Break,
and right after they had some rally for the new Imagratution Laws that are trying to be passed.
Im not even going to comment on that!!!
So.. quick rundown... we visited Washington DC, The Mall, which is the stretch from the White House to the Jefferson Monument.. or is it the Lincoln? Hmmm... the Smithsonian, saw the Declaration of Independence (my daughters Great Uncle signed it on her dads side... not sure what # of the Great Uncle is.. but he's on there)
Mt. Vernon, George Washington's house...
National Zoo in D.C.
Hershey, PA... huge amusement park
Vietnam Memorial
Korean Memorial
Arlington National cemetery...
this I will comment on.. as they had the most heart wrenching memorial for all the lives lossed in our current conflict: Iraq
Now... I am a supporter of the War... These men and women of our military all died doing what they believed in, supporting what they may/may not believe in..but I believe they did it for one reason and one reason only... Defending our country... and for that, I thank them
This memorial really pulled at my heart strings..for a few reasons, one.. Some were so young..
just barely 18, 19, 20.... and families that were left behind, loved ones lost.
There is one that is a picture w/in my mind, the picture of the Soldier who was killed, and attached to it, was a picture of his daughter resting her head against his tombstone, and on the back it stated.. " I miss you Daddy.. and I love you"
We have all lost loved ones.. but I personally have never had one "taken" from me in war or violence..just old age... and I have never lost a loved one at a really young age
Im not sure what Im really trying to say here... but.. Thank you to our Armed Forces for defending the U.S.A. without you Men & Women.. Im not sure what type of world we would currently live in.
Anyhow.. to move on...
a lot of sight seeing, a lot of walking, and ALOT of rude ass people...
I hate people.. and you get rude w/me or my kids.. better watch out..
cuz I will get ya back..
Im in need of another vacation now.. one that is mind numbing, and restful..Preferably w/out
the kids!
Later Taters... Peace
The wee ones and I left on the night of 4/9/06 returned on 4/17/06
Headed out for our first "family" vacation.
What an adventure...my 9 yr olds first cross
country flight.. Left Seattle at 12:34 am (red eye flights)
of course our plane was suppose to leave at 11, and was delayed over an hr
mechanical problems and it had to return to Phoenix before coming to Seattle
yeah.. made me feel a little uncomfortable...but hell.. were still alive!!!
Landed in Philly at 8:01 am.. ( we were so tired)
had enough time to make our connecting flight.. and headed to Baltimore
Landed in Baltimore.. my Mommy picked us up..
and we were headed off to the land of the unknown
Of course, my Mom couldn't get that day off work, so she dropped us off at her
house for us to get some much needed rest and she was off to finish up her day.
Now, to remind you.. my kids are 9 & 12... they slept just fine on the plane, I on the other
hand did not (as I cant sleep on planes) so they were ready to go!!!
I wanted to just lay down, close my eyes, and call it a day...or night..or whatever...just let me sleep!!!
I finally threatened them w/in an inch of their lives and we all slept wonderfully for almost 3 hrs!!!!! YES!!!!
The next day... we were well rested and ready to go...
sight seeing is a work out on it's own. Especially in Washington DC during Spring Break,
and right after they had some rally for the new Imagratution Laws that are trying to be passed.
Im not even going to comment on that!!!
So.. quick rundown... we visited Washington DC, The Mall, which is the stretch from the White House to the Jefferson Monument.. or is it the Lincoln? Hmmm... the Smithsonian, saw the Declaration of Independence (my daughters Great Uncle signed it on her dads side... not sure what # of the Great Uncle is.. but he's on there)
Mt. Vernon, George Washington's house...
National Zoo in D.C.
Hershey, PA... huge amusement park
Vietnam Memorial
Korean Memorial
Arlington National cemetery...
this I will comment on.. as they had the most heart wrenching memorial for all the lives lossed in our current conflict: Iraq
Now... I am a supporter of the War... These men and women of our military all died doing what they believed in, supporting what they may/may not believe in..but I believe they did it for one reason and one reason only... Defending our country... and for that, I thank them
This memorial really pulled at my heart strings..for a few reasons, one.. Some were so young..
just barely 18, 19, 20.... and families that were left behind, loved ones lost.
There is one that is a picture w/in my mind, the picture of the Soldier who was killed, and attached to it, was a picture of his daughter resting her head against his tombstone, and on the back it stated.. " I miss you Daddy.. and I love you"
We have all lost loved ones.. but I personally have never had one "taken" from me in war or violence..just old age... and I have never lost a loved one at a really young age
Im not sure what Im really trying to say here... but.. Thank you to our Armed Forces for defending the U.S.A. without you Men & Women.. Im not sure what type of world we would currently live in.
Anyhow.. to move on...
a lot of sight seeing, a lot of walking, and ALOT of rude ass people...
I hate people.. and you get rude w/me or my kids.. better watch out..
cuz I will get ya back..
Im in need of another vacation now.. one that is mind numbing, and restful..Preferably w/out
the kids!
Later Taters... Peace
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Eye Candy
My son has discovered the opposite sex.
He has realized that women are not just there to take care of him
but that they are something to look at, admire, and dream about.
For example...
we were at the grocery store, and per usual I do the shopping as he sustains
himself in the magazine section, until he walks over to me and asks me for $10..
"for what" I ask him
"for a magazine" my loving 12 yr old says to me
"what magazine" I ask him
" just a magazine Mom" my loving 12 yr old says
" I understand its a magazine honey, but what magazine" I ask him
" Do you have to know everything, gosh, can I have my allowance early" my pre-puberty 12 yr old says to me
Then he looks at me, gives me the pitiful eyes and lower lip, and says...
"please Mommy"
Well what does a mother say?
What does a mother do?
I could put the law down and say HELL NO
or, I could acknowledge the fact that he is no longer a little boy
he is growing up. And if he doesn't get it from me.. he's gonna get it
from someone, somewhere...somehow..
Hell, his uncle has already taken him to Hooters
and taught him the true meaning of "Eye Candy"
and I have caught him surfing the internet looking at pictures
of nudity... (reminds me, I need to put those parental blockers up)
So, I bought my pre-adolescent, the swimsuit addition of Sports Illustrated
did you know Heidi Klum is just wearing paint???!!!!!
And I am acknowledging the fact that my sweet, loving, caring boy is turning slowly
into a man. And that I am getting old!
He has realized that women are not just there to take care of him
but that they are something to look at, admire, and dream about.
For example...
we were at the grocery store, and per usual I do the shopping as he sustains
himself in the magazine section, until he walks over to me and asks me for $10..
"for what" I ask him
"for a magazine" my loving 12 yr old says to me
"what magazine" I ask him
" just a magazine Mom" my loving 12 yr old says
" I understand its a magazine honey, but what magazine" I ask him
" Do you have to know everything, gosh, can I have my allowance early" my pre-puberty 12 yr old says to me
Then he looks at me, gives me the pitiful eyes and lower lip, and says...
"please Mommy"
Well what does a mother say?
What does a mother do?
I could put the law down and say HELL NO
or, I could acknowledge the fact that he is no longer a little boy
he is growing up. And if he doesn't get it from me.. he's gonna get it
from someone, somewhere...somehow..
Hell, his uncle has already taken him to Hooters
and taught him the true meaning of "Eye Candy"
and I have caught him surfing the internet looking at pictures
of nudity... (reminds me, I need to put those parental blockers up)
So, I bought my pre-adolescent, the swimsuit addition of Sports Illustrated
did you know Heidi Klum is just wearing paint???!!!!!
And I am acknowledging the fact that my sweet, loving, caring boy is turning slowly
into a man. And that I am getting old!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Old Memories = Good Times
Waking up this morning in my fogged sleep mind
bits and pieces of my dream started to come back to me,
I was dreaming about an old memory, back to the day I met
the first man I ever fell in love with. I was 16, well barely 16.
I met Jim, on a crisp fall day, after school, I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday
and he was almost 24. Most would say, he was a pedophilia. I say, he was gorgeous,
kind, sincere, sensitive, and well... the one.
He literally swept me off of my feet that afternoon, took my breath away, we talked
for hours sitting at the park, we laughed & talked and it was as if, I had known him for years.
As if, he had been waiting for me forever.
Ok, now at this young tender age, what did I know about love? What did I know about being a grown-up, about being mature? Well the nice thing about it, is I didn't have to be a grown up, I didn't have to act mature. He wanted me for me. He didn't expect for me to change, and he didn't try to mold me into something that I wasn't. He wanted ME... Not someone else.
Once he found out I wasn't 16 yet, he told me that we couldn't start dating until that point. Ok, but had I ever told him that we would date?
2 weeks later, the day before my 16th birthday, his best friend Mark walked up to me, asked me if the following day was my birthday, I said yes, and he stated to me... " Tomorrow, your Jim's new girl!"
No question, no comments, and so mote it be.
I was ecstatic!!! The day I had dreamt about... I belonged to someone...
Jim and I started dating, and everything was great, he treated me like a queen
he placed me on a pedestal, and lavished me with small gifts, his laughter, his friendship
his trust. In return, I gave him everything I could, including my heart, my soul.. my all!!!
Jim and I dated off and on for almost 3 years, we had our bumpy roads, we had some of the best memories that I hope to never forget.
Now, my teen years were very turbulent.. As you have read from my first posts... I actually left home starting at 14 off and on till I was 18, I had some great times, some really scary times, and some really depressing times. But the 3 yrs I spent w/Jim.. were some of the happiest, and most highest times Ive ever had!
Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Jim was never far from my thoughts. Always a reminder of my youth and you never truly forget your true love.
I ran into him when I was about 27, years after he and I had gone our seperate ways. We rekindled a bit of the old magic, but then I realized that he wasnt truly the "one" but more along the lines of an old flame w/in my heart that would not go out. We seperated our ways and moved on in life, then when I was sitting at home one evening, I got a call from an old friend who I used to spend alot of time with, and recieved the bone chilling words that I will never forget.
"Are you alone? Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I dont know how to say this. But Jim was found yesterday morning, and he's dead."
I sat on my couch, listening to the T.V. and looking out the sliding glass doors, the rain was falling, the wind was blowing the sun was setting in the sky. And at that moment, a piece of me died w/him. A vision I will never forget, a screen shot w/in my mind of time standing still
Tears ran down my face, and scenes of yester-year flashed back like an old movie reel.
Things I had forgotte, or thought I had, remembered. Never forgotten
Memories are best never to be forgotten. He will never be lost, as long as I remember.
The laugh
The touches
The siren
The love
Forever and always James... you will always be close to my heart
and forever remembered.
bits and pieces of my dream started to come back to me,
I was dreaming about an old memory, back to the day I met
the first man I ever fell in love with. I was 16, well barely 16.
I met Jim, on a crisp fall day, after school, I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday
and he was almost 24. Most would say, he was a pedophilia. I say, he was gorgeous,
kind, sincere, sensitive, and well... the one.
He literally swept me off of my feet that afternoon, took my breath away, we talked
for hours sitting at the park, we laughed & talked and it was as if, I had known him for years.
As if, he had been waiting for me forever.
Ok, now at this young tender age, what did I know about love? What did I know about being a grown-up, about being mature? Well the nice thing about it, is I didn't have to be a grown up, I didn't have to act mature. He wanted me for me. He didn't expect for me to change, and he didn't try to mold me into something that I wasn't. He wanted ME... Not someone else.
Once he found out I wasn't 16 yet, he told me that we couldn't start dating until that point. Ok, but had I ever told him that we would date?
2 weeks later, the day before my 16th birthday, his best friend Mark walked up to me, asked me if the following day was my birthday, I said yes, and he stated to me... " Tomorrow, your Jim's new girl!"
No question, no comments, and so mote it be.
I was ecstatic!!! The day I had dreamt about... I belonged to someone...
Jim and I started dating, and everything was great, he treated me like a queen
he placed me on a pedestal, and lavished me with small gifts, his laughter, his friendship
his trust. In return, I gave him everything I could, including my heart, my soul.. my all!!!
Jim and I dated off and on for almost 3 years, we had our bumpy roads, we had some of the best memories that I hope to never forget.
Now, my teen years were very turbulent.. As you have read from my first posts... I actually left home starting at 14 off and on till I was 18, I had some great times, some really scary times, and some really depressing times. But the 3 yrs I spent w/Jim.. were some of the happiest, and most highest times Ive ever had!
Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Jim was never far from my thoughts. Always a reminder of my youth and you never truly forget your true love.
I ran into him when I was about 27, years after he and I had gone our seperate ways. We rekindled a bit of the old magic, but then I realized that he wasnt truly the "one" but more along the lines of an old flame w/in my heart that would not go out. We seperated our ways and moved on in life, then when I was sitting at home one evening, I got a call from an old friend who I used to spend alot of time with, and recieved the bone chilling words that I will never forget.
"Are you alone? Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I dont know how to say this. But Jim was found yesterday morning, and he's dead."
I sat on my couch, listening to the T.V. and looking out the sliding glass doors, the rain was falling, the wind was blowing the sun was setting in the sky. And at that moment, a piece of me died w/him. A vision I will never forget, a screen shot w/in my mind of time standing still
Tears ran down my face, and scenes of yester-year flashed back like an old movie reel.
Things I had forgotte, or thought I had, remembered. Never forgotten
Memories are best never to be forgotten. He will never be lost, as long as I remember.
The laugh
The touches
The siren
The love
Forever and always James... you will always be close to my heart
and forever remembered.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Courageous Children
Driving in to work this morning, the rain has finally gone, and the sun was shinning, which was causing a traffic delay on the freeway as it was so bright and beautiful that it was blinding.
Listening to 106.1 over the last few days as they were doing their marathon for Childhood Disease's trying to raise money for the Childrens Hospital in Seattle (great cause donate now) , and realized as I was looking at the blinding sun rays, that I my life does have purpose, and I still have my children.
Im listening to Bender yesterday afternoon, as he plays back an interview w/an 8 yr old boy, who had cancer. Listening to the brave voice and words of a child who was so sick, but kept up such a brave front for everyone around him. Who defined in my eyes the true meaning of courage. As I am driving, I started to cry, thinking of my own children, and unable to even imagine for a second what it would be like to have to bury my child at the young tender age of 8.
After the interview w/this 8yr old (his name was Kevin) Bender the radio host starts to interview the father of this courageous child and you can hear the tears in his voice. Both the radio host and the father crying, talking about Kevin. And I realized, that I just needed to say Thank you to God. Selfish of me I know.. But, Thank you God, for not putting my family through such a horrific event.
To Kevin's family, the courageous 8 yr old, who lost his battle to cancer just before Christmas 2005. I am so very sorry for your loss.
To anyone who reads this. There are so many children out there, who have to fight day to day to just stay alive, to breath w/out pain and use every ounce of their being to wake up every morning.
Please donate to the Childrens Hospistal either w/in your own local community or here in Seattle. The monies go to research to find a cure for childhood disease so that these children can have a better chance at survival and to be able to wake up tomorrow w/out the worries and concerns that they currently have.
Please... support your local Childrens Hospital.
Fight today!!! For a better Tomorrow!!
http://www.seattlechildrens.org
Listening to 106.1 over the last few days as they were doing their marathon for Childhood Disease's trying to raise money for the Childrens Hospital in Seattle (great cause donate now) , and realized as I was looking at the blinding sun rays, that I my life does have purpose, and I still have my children.
Im listening to Bender yesterday afternoon, as he plays back an interview w/an 8 yr old boy, who had cancer. Listening to the brave voice and words of a child who was so sick, but kept up such a brave front for everyone around him. Who defined in my eyes the true meaning of courage. As I am driving, I started to cry, thinking of my own children, and unable to even imagine for a second what it would be like to have to bury my child at the young tender age of 8.
After the interview w/this 8yr old (his name was Kevin) Bender the radio host starts to interview the father of this courageous child and you can hear the tears in his voice. Both the radio host and the father crying, talking about Kevin. And I realized, that I just needed to say Thank you to God. Selfish of me I know.. But, Thank you God, for not putting my family through such a horrific event.
To Kevin's family, the courageous 8 yr old, who lost his battle to cancer just before Christmas 2005. I am so very sorry for your loss.
To anyone who reads this. There are so many children out there, who have to fight day to day to just stay alive, to breath w/out pain and use every ounce of their being to wake up every morning.
Please donate to the Childrens Hospistal either w/in your own local community or here in Seattle. The monies go to research to find a cure for childhood disease so that these children can have a better chance at survival and to be able to wake up tomorrow w/out the worries and concerns that they currently have.
Please... support your local Childrens Hospital.
Fight today!!! For a better Tomorrow!!
http://www.seattlechildrens.org
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
A.P.P
Its been almost a month since my last post.
Life is throwing many curve balls, but so far Im dodging them
on a regular basis
Quick run down...
The trash is cleaned out
Men off to the dump
On my own two feet again
Standing strong
Thank you to my dear friends, with out you things would be more wayward.
So, random thoughts now
Ive been readin O magazine..
Dr. Phil wrote a good article that made me do some inner searching
on what it is that bring people to me. Return for more. To want to associate w/me.
Good question. Ive often pondered why I cant seem to get a date, why I cant seem to
keep a man. Why I cant be happy with the cards that life has dealt me.
Well, Its not that I cant shuffle and real deal, as Ive tried that, but more along the lines
of trying to keep my "poker face" and just keep on rolling and just accept what I have no control
over. Or do I have control over it and just dont realize the control that has been dealt to me?
The control is w/in our own being, on how we deal with the people around us, accept what is and just keep on moving.
I have control of my life, I have the control to say no, to correct the mistakes that have been made, learn from those mistakes, and better the circumstances. I have the power to better myself, to better my life, to better all that is around me.
Alot of that comes from the types of people that you associate with. To associate with those that really truly care about you, really truly want to see you succeed, that really truly love you.
For those friends I will always, forever have gratitude for and will NEVER be able to repay their kind words, kind actions and loving arms that have helped me to move forward when things were at an all time low. You know who you are, and I dont always say it but Thank you from the bottom of my heart for EVERYTHING you have done for me.
A.P.P. = a little more soul searching - from the Dr.Phil article (he may be a quack, but he has some good words)
So, Ive been trying to determine how to boost my personal confidence. I have always thought of myself as a non bullshitter, a take no BS kind of gal. Straigh forward, honest and maybe a little hard assed. But am I?
I had a guy tell me that Im just an onion. Someone with many differant layers and at the core there's the real me. The one that I dont necessarily allow people to see. There are few that have seen the real me. The one that actually feels, crys, hurts, has feelings. I think out off all my friends and acquantices there are maybe 6 that know the true me. The one that I keep hidden from the rest of the world. And why do I do this? Because from past experiences. I allowed circumastances to choose the path that I would walk down. The path that I would determine on who to become.
So, do I change who I have become? Or do I expand on who I am today and make myself better? Change does not come easy to anyone, so I have decided I will expand, and make who I am currently a better person, a richer person, but not just monetary, but personable, loveable, caring. All the things that make me a better person, a better mother a better human.
So, Im taking a personal inventory... A.P.P
Appearance = Im not a swim suit model, Im not perfect, but Im not ugly. Look for the positives that the outside world sees... what I believe are my "bonuses" ... so here we go....
1) I have pretty eyes
2) I have a nice nose
3) I have great boobs
Ok.. thats it.. sad.. gotta work on that
Presence = my energy.. my spirit.. hmmm... do I radiate when I walk in a room? I dont think so, but I do get noticed, I walk into a crowded room, I do see people turn my way.. but why? what is it? My dont fuck w/me attitude? The way I dress? Confidence? Im not sure, I have to dig deeper and really pay attention.
However presence also is my listening skills.. do I listen attentively (thinking work here now) do I give my impute do I act knowledgeable? Yes.. I do believe I take my job very seriously. I give my inpute and I am knowledgeable concerning my position. I love my job!!! Not many can actually say that about there work. I counter act w/my coworkers well (Im pretty sure)
In social gatherings.. how do I act? am I a wall flower? NO.. thats not me at all.. do I mingle w/just those that I know? (depends on how much wine Ive had) seriously.. what am I like in social gatherings? Of course the alcohol loosens me up, but over all, I like to think that I am approachable. Or am I?
Personality = I liked the way Dr. Phil stated Personality.. "We all have a way of being in the world" interesting.. so how do I live my life w/in this world? Im me.. and thats that. I refuse to change the way I think, the way I react. My thoughts are my own. I am my own person, and I make the choices for MY life! I love life, I love my children, I love those that love me in return and I give 180% to those that show me in return the same respect that I show them. I laugh, I cry, I hurt. Just like anyone else but how I choose to show it, feel it is probably differant than you choose to show or feel, thats what makes us all unique. Thats the great thing about society. If we were all made the same this planet would be very boring. I can not be all things to all people. I am me... just me.. nobody else
I argue, I may not agree with what you say or your thoughts on current social circumstances, but hey.. thats ok. Im proud of what I have accomplished to get where I am today, and yet, I have so much more to accomplish and complete before I finish my time on earth.
I will not allow anyone to control me, what is the point there? Who do you become then? A puppet, pull the strings I will wave when you tell me to wave? No, I dont think so.
So.. in the end.. I am proud to be who I am... and I will just get better!!!
Peace everyone.. and thanks
Life is throwing many curve balls, but so far Im dodging them
on a regular basis
Quick run down...
The trash is cleaned out
Men off to the dump
On my own two feet again
Standing strong
Thank you to my dear friends, with out you things would be more wayward.
So, random thoughts now
Ive been readin O magazine..
Dr. Phil wrote a good article that made me do some inner searching
on what it is that bring people to me. Return for more. To want to associate w/me.
Good question. Ive often pondered why I cant seem to get a date, why I cant seem to
keep a man. Why I cant be happy with the cards that life has dealt me.
Well, Its not that I cant shuffle and real deal, as Ive tried that, but more along the lines
of trying to keep my "poker face" and just keep on rolling and just accept what I have no control
over. Or do I have control over it and just dont realize the control that has been dealt to me?
The control is w/in our own being, on how we deal with the people around us, accept what is and just keep on moving.
I have control of my life, I have the control to say no, to correct the mistakes that have been made, learn from those mistakes, and better the circumstances. I have the power to better myself, to better my life, to better all that is around me.
Alot of that comes from the types of people that you associate with. To associate with those that really truly care about you, really truly want to see you succeed, that really truly love you.
For those friends I will always, forever have gratitude for and will NEVER be able to repay their kind words, kind actions and loving arms that have helped me to move forward when things were at an all time low. You know who you are, and I dont always say it but Thank you from the bottom of my heart for EVERYTHING you have done for me.
A.P.P. = a little more soul searching - from the Dr.Phil article (he may be a quack, but he has some good words)
So, Ive been trying to determine how to boost my personal confidence. I have always thought of myself as a non bullshitter, a take no BS kind of gal. Straigh forward, honest and maybe a little hard assed. But am I?
I had a guy tell me that Im just an onion. Someone with many differant layers and at the core there's the real me. The one that I dont necessarily allow people to see. There are few that have seen the real me. The one that actually feels, crys, hurts, has feelings. I think out off all my friends and acquantices there are maybe 6 that know the true me. The one that I keep hidden from the rest of the world. And why do I do this? Because from past experiences. I allowed circumastances to choose the path that I would walk down. The path that I would determine on who to become.
So, do I change who I have become? Or do I expand on who I am today and make myself better? Change does not come easy to anyone, so I have decided I will expand, and make who I am currently a better person, a richer person, but not just monetary, but personable, loveable, caring. All the things that make me a better person, a better mother a better human.
So, Im taking a personal inventory... A.P.P
Appearance = Im not a swim suit model, Im not perfect, but Im not ugly. Look for the positives that the outside world sees... what I believe are my "bonuses" ... so here we go....
1) I have pretty eyes
2) I have a nice nose
3) I have great boobs
Ok.. thats it.. sad.. gotta work on that
Presence = my energy.. my spirit.. hmmm... do I radiate when I walk in a room? I dont think so, but I do get noticed, I walk into a crowded room, I do see people turn my way.. but why? what is it? My dont fuck w/me attitude? The way I dress? Confidence? Im not sure, I have to dig deeper and really pay attention.
However presence also is my listening skills.. do I listen attentively (thinking work here now) do I give my impute do I act knowledgeable? Yes.. I do believe I take my job very seriously. I give my inpute and I am knowledgeable concerning my position. I love my job!!! Not many can actually say that about there work. I counter act w/my coworkers well (Im pretty sure)
In social gatherings.. how do I act? am I a wall flower? NO.. thats not me at all.. do I mingle w/just those that I know? (depends on how much wine Ive had) seriously.. what am I like in social gatherings? Of course the alcohol loosens me up, but over all, I like to think that I am approachable. Or am I?
Personality = I liked the way Dr. Phil stated Personality.. "We all have a way of being in the world" interesting.. so how do I live my life w/in this world? Im me.. and thats that. I refuse to change the way I think, the way I react. My thoughts are my own. I am my own person, and I make the choices for MY life! I love life, I love my children, I love those that love me in return and I give 180% to those that show me in return the same respect that I show them. I laugh, I cry, I hurt. Just like anyone else but how I choose to show it, feel it is probably differant than you choose to show or feel, thats what makes us all unique. Thats the great thing about society. If we were all made the same this planet would be very boring. I can not be all things to all people. I am me... just me.. nobody else
I argue, I may not agree with what you say or your thoughts on current social circumstances, but hey.. thats ok. Im proud of what I have accomplished to get where I am today, and yet, I have so much more to accomplish and complete before I finish my time on earth.
I will not allow anyone to control me, what is the point there? Who do you become then? A puppet, pull the strings I will wave when you tell me to wave? No, I dont think so.
So.. in the end.. I am proud to be who I am... and I will just get better!!!
Peace everyone.. and thanks
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Reflections
2005 come and gone
Looking back over this year I realize I have been thru so much and yet I still have made it through.
I clearly remember Jan 1, 2005 midnight, standing on my friends front porch, drinking, talking, and arguing, as we all get together there is ALWAYS an argument. Thats what friends do tho. They argue, laugh, cry, glare, tell each other like it is. Anyhow... The argument that night was over my friend S, wanting R (yep..my ex who is still living w/me) at the time he and I werent dating, but anyhow S wanted R, however she is married to his best friend.. LOL.. oh..the good times.. S's husband heard her say how HOT R was, and the shit hit the fan from there!!! LOL... it was so long ago, that it just seems so surreal!
Jan.. my boy turns the big 11!!! He's a New Years Baby... on this day 11 yrs ago he was born, first baby boy of this county... beat by a little girl at the other area hospital by an hour
Feb 2005 - 2 trips to ER w/my son... one where he pieced an old bicycle together and went down the side of a mountain and since there were no breaks on this beautiful bike, he used his face as the stopping mechanism....into the side of a TREE!!!! This was Valentines Day.. thats how I spent my V-Day..sitting in ER w/my boy... R brought me a dozen roses... that was sweet
then at the end of Feb.. my son says his arm hurts.. I take a look, and he has a little scratch that he didnt bother to tell me about that has gotten infected.. to the point of blood poisoning..
Back to ER as its a weekend, I.V. drip, overnight observation.. yep.. year is starting out grrrrreaate!!!
April 2005 - W shows back up, and takes me for another ride... and basically cleans me out.. I loose so much..
summer months were good months, nothing to complain about, all was going well,
River rafting.. my daughter almost's drowns... she's a good swimmer, she's wearing a life vest, river is really calm, then all the sudden we go around the bend, and there's the freakin rapids.. actually, they were mild rapids, but my girl went off course and got stuck in a nasty little rapid by a fallen tree she figures she can just jump off and walk to the side, until the under toe grabs her... scariest moment of my life.. I jump off my tube and try to "run" to her.. hi..you cant run in moving water!!! finally get to her, grab her, yank her up by her hair..literally... and drag her to the side.. we sit.. we breath, and then both of us decide "forget this" we're walking back!!!!
end of June me and the kids get a new place, and move in.. and then here comes R & W.. damn Im to nice or something... then again, I understand what it's like to not have a place to lay your head at night, and I understand not having somewhere to call home, been there done that, so I let them stay... what was I thinking????
October... I turn the big 33 & my baby girl turns the big 9..
November... I get notice from my son's school he's flunking out of the 6th grade..
turkey day I get the flu..
December... Christmas... gawd I hated this year!!!! Not in the jolly spirit, not in the spirit..
Please let 2006 be better..
There are so many other things that happened through at 2005, but some are so personal that I just dont wish to share at this moment.. Raw wounds that just have not healed, some very evil things that I have done, some moments that I need to apologize to others for.. some issues that I just havnt come to grasp with yet... but all in all..Stick a form in me.. Im done!!
My wish for all of you... May this upcoming year bring you love, happiness, and a bright light to lead you when life gets dark. To succeed at all that you set out to do, and to achieve all that you wish to accomplish.
But most of all.. may this year bring you good friends, as nothing is more important than having a few good friends to dry your eyes when you cry, to hold your hair as your worshipping that porcelein god, to laugh at your stupid jokes, and to be able to sit in utter silence and still not feel alone!!!!
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!
Looking back over this year I realize I have been thru so much and yet I still have made it through.
I clearly remember Jan 1, 2005 midnight, standing on my friends front porch, drinking, talking, and arguing, as we all get together there is ALWAYS an argument. Thats what friends do tho. They argue, laugh, cry, glare, tell each other like it is. Anyhow... The argument that night was over my friend S, wanting R (yep..my ex who is still living w/me) at the time he and I werent dating, but anyhow S wanted R, however she is married to his best friend.. LOL.. oh..the good times.. S's husband heard her say how HOT R was, and the shit hit the fan from there!!! LOL... it was so long ago, that it just seems so surreal!
Jan.. my boy turns the big 11!!! He's a New Years Baby... on this day 11 yrs ago he was born, first baby boy of this county... beat by a little girl at the other area hospital by an hour
Feb 2005 - 2 trips to ER w/my son... one where he pieced an old bicycle together and went down the side of a mountain and since there were no breaks on this beautiful bike, he used his face as the stopping mechanism....into the side of a TREE!!!! This was Valentines Day.. thats how I spent my V-Day..sitting in ER w/my boy... R brought me a dozen roses... that was sweet
then at the end of Feb.. my son says his arm hurts.. I take a look, and he has a little scratch that he didnt bother to tell me about that has gotten infected.. to the point of blood poisoning..
Back to ER as its a weekend, I.V. drip, overnight observation.. yep.. year is starting out grrrrreaate!!!
April 2005 - W shows back up, and takes me for another ride... and basically cleans me out.. I loose so much..
summer months were good months, nothing to complain about, all was going well,
River rafting.. my daughter almost's drowns... she's a good swimmer, she's wearing a life vest, river is really calm, then all the sudden we go around the bend, and there's the freakin rapids.. actually, they were mild rapids, but my girl went off course and got stuck in a nasty little rapid by a fallen tree she figures she can just jump off and walk to the side, until the under toe grabs her... scariest moment of my life.. I jump off my tube and try to "run" to her.. hi..you cant run in moving water!!! finally get to her, grab her, yank her up by her hair..literally... and drag her to the side.. we sit.. we breath, and then both of us decide "forget this" we're walking back!!!!
end of June me and the kids get a new place, and move in.. and then here comes R & W.. damn Im to nice or something... then again, I understand what it's like to not have a place to lay your head at night, and I understand not having somewhere to call home, been there done that, so I let them stay... what was I thinking????
October... I turn the big 33 & my baby girl turns the big 9..
November... I get notice from my son's school he's flunking out of the 6th grade..
turkey day I get the flu..
December... Christmas... gawd I hated this year!!!! Not in the jolly spirit, not in the spirit..
Please let 2006 be better..
There are so many other things that happened through at 2005, but some are so personal that I just dont wish to share at this moment.. Raw wounds that just have not healed, some very evil things that I have done, some moments that I need to apologize to others for.. some issues that I just havnt come to grasp with yet... but all in all..Stick a form in me.. Im done!!
My wish for all of you... May this upcoming year bring you love, happiness, and a bright light to lead you when life gets dark. To succeed at all that you set out to do, and to achieve all that you wish to accomplish.
But most of all.. may this year bring you good friends, as nothing is more important than having a few good friends to dry your eyes when you cry, to hold your hair as your worshipping that porcelein god, to laugh at your stupid jokes, and to be able to sit in utter silence and still not feel alone!!!!
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Crappy Christmas
4 day weekend.. let me recap
Friday
Fred Meyer, shopping w/my daughters father (whom my whole family hates but we are still friends) my brother is walking towards us, he looks at me, I look at him, and he walks straight by, doesn't say hi or nothing.. just flat out ignores me!
ok... now I realize they dont like W.. and thats fine, its a big huge world we all live in and not everyone can get along...but dont dis-respect me and just flat out ignore me..
Whatever!
So family Christmas Friday night, up at my other brothers..
it takes my oldest brother (the one who ignored me) 4 drinks, before he even acknowledges me.. now...long story short, Im the blacksheep of the family... cuz I dont tow the line like everyone else, and I live by my own rules and standards.. I apologize family of mine if I dont follow your rules.. but Fuck You.. I dont have to..thats the beauty of living in a Freeworld!
Anyhow..Family party.. it was ok, except that R (my ex who is living w/me) calls my brother before I leave and ask's if he and his daughter can tag along!!! Can you believe that? If you were wanted there, you would of been invited.. I just think that is rather tacky to call and see if you can come along too... just me maybe?
that night was the longest 4 hrs of my life
Saturday
Actually went well, went to a friends house to have Christmas Eve w/her and her family..she's like my adoptive Mom, since my mom lives on the East coast I dont get to see her much ( I really miss her from time to time) but Vinnie & her husband Bobbio (like Fabio) have become surrogate family to me, and I really appreciate and respect them so much... we had a great dinner, a few margarita's, built a fire in the back yard, and relaxed..what a great day.. hung w/surrogate family and friends and had great food, great conversation, good times..thats what the Holidays are all about
Sunday - Merry Christmas Everyone.. WTF????
well..it just wastn Christmas for me... first off, my son wasnt there, he was w/his father
and this is the first Christmas in 12 yrs he hasnt been there... so that put a damper on the day (as he left for his dad's Saturday night)
and my dog wasnt there... that put a few tears in my eyes
However.. my beautiful daughter woke my ass up at 5:15 am!! oh yeah... get up Mommy, she did however turn on the coffee pot before waking me up.. good girl!!!
I held her off until almost 7..
however, her father would NOT wake up.. of course.. he didnt stroll in until 3 am on Christmas Eve night.. but that's a whole differant story.. (he lives there too, see previous post's for more info)
so fine.. my baby girl and I opened up presents all by ourselves.. just Mommy and me time. then we made breakfast for the both of us and sat down and watched a Christmas Story... 24 hr run baby on Christmas Day!!! aww yea!!!
Her father finally gets up around 9:30 - at noon he decides he's going to his friends house, understandable.. thats fine.. Im thinking he will be back shortly.. he calls me at 6 that night and invites me and our daughter over to dinner at his friends house (whom I cant stand) um.. no.. um... Hi.... Im cooking a turkey, which he knew, he helped season it that morning...
its Fucking Christmas, to spend w/those you love, admire, cherish, LIKE, respect and generally want to be around.. not to spend it at someone's house whom you cant stand!!! Ooops..my bad..
he comes home around 9:30 and is pissed at me, because I stood him and his friends up..
My response to him.. well.. honey.. you stood up your daughter.. because once again, your selfish ass is more concerned about you & your egotistical/self centered/asshole friend... I guess that was wrong of me huh?
Monday
Another day off, and her daddy decides to go fishing.. so he leaves at 4:30 am, and wanders home at 6ish.. as my 9 yr old is asking for the last 2 days, why her daddy isnt home.. how do you answer that? Well baby, because he's concerned about one thing and one thing only.. that's himself, has been for the 20+ yrs I've known him.. but you learn to deal w/it and get over it honey...
and again..he doesnt understand why Im pissy about it....
Needless to say, Christmas is officially over at my house, I had the tree torn down, all the decorations put away, and boxed and sealed, back into the garage w/in a matter of 2 hrs...
Time for a new year, that better be brighter, bigger, and better, because if its not..
me & the the 7 wonders of the world are going to re-establish the "Dont Fuck w/me" rules again... cuz I cant take much more..
Im tired...
I need some GOOD & POSITIVE in my life
So...
Happy Holidays' to all
and To all.. a great life!!!
Im out~~~
Friday
Fred Meyer, shopping w/my daughters father (whom my whole family hates but we are still friends) my brother is walking towards us, he looks at me, I look at him, and he walks straight by, doesn't say hi or nothing.. just flat out ignores me!
ok... now I realize they dont like W.. and thats fine, its a big huge world we all live in and not everyone can get along...but dont dis-respect me and just flat out ignore me..
Whatever!
So family Christmas Friday night, up at my other brothers..
it takes my oldest brother (the one who ignored me) 4 drinks, before he even acknowledges me.. now...long story short, Im the blacksheep of the family... cuz I dont tow the line like everyone else, and I live by my own rules and standards.. I apologize family of mine if I dont follow your rules.. but Fuck You.. I dont have to..thats the beauty of living in a Freeworld!
Anyhow..Family party.. it was ok, except that R (my ex who is living w/me) calls my brother before I leave and ask's if he and his daughter can tag along!!! Can you believe that? If you were wanted there, you would of been invited.. I just think that is rather tacky to call and see if you can come along too... just me maybe?
that night was the longest 4 hrs of my life
Saturday
Actually went well, went to a friends house to have Christmas Eve w/her and her family..she's like my adoptive Mom, since my mom lives on the East coast I dont get to see her much ( I really miss her from time to time) but Vinnie & her husband Bobbio (like Fabio) have become surrogate family to me, and I really appreciate and respect them so much... we had a great dinner, a few margarita's, built a fire in the back yard, and relaxed..what a great day.. hung w/surrogate family and friends and had great food, great conversation, good times..thats what the Holidays are all about
Sunday - Merry Christmas Everyone.. WTF????
well..it just wastn Christmas for me... first off, my son wasnt there, he was w/his father
and this is the first Christmas in 12 yrs he hasnt been there... so that put a damper on the day (as he left for his dad's Saturday night)
and my dog wasnt there... that put a few tears in my eyes
However.. my beautiful daughter woke my ass up at 5:15 am!! oh yeah... get up Mommy, she did however turn on the coffee pot before waking me up.. good girl!!!
I held her off until almost 7..
however, her father would NOT wake up.. of course.. he didnt stroll in until 3 am on Christmas Eve night.. but that's a whole differant story.. (he lives there too, see previous post's for more info)
so fine.. my baby girl and I opened up presents all by ourselves.. just Mommy and me time. then we made breakfast for the both of us and sat down and watched a Christmas Story... 24 hr run baby on Christmas Day!!! aww yea!!!
Her father finally gets up around 9:30 - at noon he decides he's going to his friends house, understandable.. thats fine.. Im thinking he will be back shortly.. he calls me at 6 that night and invites me and our daughter over to dinner at his friends house (whom I cant stand) um.. no.. um... Hi.... Im cooking a turkey, which he knew, he helped season it that morning...
its Fucking Christmas, to spend w/those you love, admire, cherish, LIKE, respect and generally want to be around.. not to spend it at someone's house whom you cant stand!!! Ooops..my bad..
he comes home around 9:30 and is pissed at me, because I stood him and his friends up..
My response to him.. well.. honey.. you stood up your daughter.. because once again, your selfish ass is more concerned about you & your egotistical/self centered/asshole friend... I guess that was wrong of me huh?
Monday
Another day off, and her daddy decides to go fishing.. so he leaves at 4:30 am, and wanders home at 6ish.. as my 9 yr old is asking for the last 2 days, why her daddy isnt home.. how do you answer that? Well baby, because he's concerned about one thing and one thing only.. that's himself, has been for the 20+ yrs I've known him.. but you learn to deal w/it and get over it honey...
and again..he doesnt understand why Im pissy about it....
Needless to say, Christmas is officially over at my house, I had the tree torn down, all the decorations put away, and boxed and sealed, back into the garage w/in a matter of 2 hrs...
Time for a new year, that better be brighter, bigger, and better, because if its not..
me & the the 7 wonders of the world are going to re-establish the "Dont Fuck w/me" rules again... cuz I cant take much more..
Im tired...
I need some GOOD & POSITIVE in my life
So...
Happy Holidays' to all
and To all.. a great life!!!
Im out~~~
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Thank you to all
I want so say thank you to all of you for the support and loving and kind words that I have recieved.
Your kindness and support have ment so much to me and has really helped me in these last few days. thank you so very much!!!
So I had to go to the pet store last night, to get the Ferrett some new toys and treats for Christmas (yes, he has his own stocking so did Oscar)
Anyhow.. I didnt think it would be so hard & so trying... PetsMart allows animals there, and so people bring their dogs, cats, whatever into the store..and there were a couple kitties that needed new homes.. oh so precious... ...that I almost came home w/a new addition to the family. Luckily.. I stopped myself, and realized.. I was just trying to replace my beloved dog, and he isnt replacable.. so.. I need to mourn some more, and really start acknowledging the pain...
Im off tomorrow, Friday as the company is closed same w/Monday.. we are getting a 4 day weekend.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!
Your kindness and support have ment so much to me and has really helped me in these last few days. thank you so very much!!!
So I had to go to the pet store last night, to get the Ferrett some new toys and treats for Christmas (yes, he has his own stocking so did Oscar)
Anyhow.. I didnt think it would be so hard & so trying... PetsMart allows animals there, and so people bring their dogs, cats, whatever into the store..and there were a couple kitties that needed new homes.. oh so precious... ...that I almost came home w/a new addition to the family. Luckily.. I stopped myself, and realized.. I was just trying to replace my beloved dog, and he isnt replacable.. so.. I need to mourn some more, and really start acknowledging the pain...
Im off tomorrow, Friday as the company is closed same w/Monday.. we are getting a 4 day weekend.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!
Monday, December 19, 2005
Goodbye my dear friend
I post today with a saddened & heavy heart today
My puppy was hit and killed by a car this morning, just as I came around the corner to try to stop him. He was 9 months old, had not had a chance to live long enough on this earth to know what its like to run in the surf of the ocean, to chase a squirrel in the woods, to camp in the woods w/me and the kids.
Thankfully he went quickly.
I pulled him off the road, and to the side, fell to my knees, he lifted his head, looked at me and licked my hand, and then went into the powers that be.
I will forever remember him. He was not only the family dog for a few short months, but he was my friend. He was my 55 pound lap dog, who loved to sit in the recliner w/me on my lap, loved to sleep next to me in bed, as long as he had half the pillow, loved to go for car rides, loved to be just loved. He was there for me to talk to, knowing all my secrets would forever be a secret, he loved to bounce around the house and play tug of war w/the old dish towel. He loved his bones, I constantly was stepping on half eaten dog bones hidden in shoes, hidding in the kid's bed's, hidden under pillows on the couch.. everywhere..
I will be reminded of you over the next few weeks as I clean up your bed, and remove your favorite toys. I will forever miss you and will forever love you.
The gentleman that hit him, thank you for stopping and thank you for your assitance and kind words. I do not lay blame on you, you are not at fault. Oscar wanted to play with the dog across the busy street, unfortunently, your wheels were quicker than his legs.
To you my dear friend... Thank you for the few months we had together...
God Bless Our Pets
They say memories are golden,
well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.
Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
My puppy was hit and killed by a car this morning, just as I came around the corner to try to stop him. He was 9 months old, had not had a chance to live long enough on this earth to know what its like to run in the surf of the ocean, to chase a squirrel in the woods, to camp in the woods w/me and the kids.
Thankfully he went quickly.
I pulled him off the road, and to the side, fell to my knees, he lifted his head, looked at me and licked my hand, and then went into the powers that be.
I will forever remember him. He was not only the family dog for a few short months, but he was my friend. He was my 55 pound lap dog, who loved to sit in the recliner w/me on my lap, loved to sleep next to me in bed, as long as he had half the pillow, loved to go for car rides, loved to be just loved. He was there for me to talk to, knowing all my secrets would forever be a secret, he loved to bounce around the house and play tug of war w/the old dish towel. He loved his bones, I constantly was stepping on half eaten dog bones hidden in shoes, hidding in the kid's bed's, hidden under pillows on the couch.. everywhere..
I will be reminded of you over the next few weeks as I clean up your bed, and remove your favorite toys. I will forever miss you and will forever love you.
The gentleman that hit him, thank you for stopping and thank you for your assitance and kind words. I do not lay blame on you, you are not at fault. Oscar wanted to play with the dog across the busy street, unfortunently, your wheels were quicker than his legs.
To you my dear friend... Thank you for the few months we had together...
God Bless Our Pets
They say memories are golden,
well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.
Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Who the hell is Murphy?
Well I have officially lost it!
Murphy's Law!!! Who the hell is this Murphy character? I swear, he has been having the best laugh of his life at my expense.!!!
The last year of my life, has been one large practical joke after another.. I swear, things have been happening to me that shouldn't happen to one person...
But the topper to the year.. is what happened this morning...
I got out of bed early... (which is a miracle in itself)
I got ready...
I got the wee one's up, got them ready, with a minimal amount of arguments, fighting, picking on each other. Got them breakfast, got the deadbeat off the couch, got him moving, headed to the car... Its 7am!!! OMG.. Im actually running ON time.. That's right.. ON time..
Mind you, Im driving a total POS!! ITS NOT MINE.. But anyhow.. Im driving this POS, but it runs...so whatever..its just a car...minivan to boot..
and I go to close the slider door on this beautiful piece of junk..................
and.. the fucking door falls off!!!!
Thats right.. falls off... its hanging there...
I look at my 12 year old.. and I quote "What the Fuck?!"
yep.. I said it.. to my son.. I was in utter shock, amazement, awe!!!
the door is hanging there, and there go all my thoughts of beating traffic, getting them to school on time, me getting to work on time, and being able to stop for a double mocha!
Gone.. poof.. no more.. and all I could do was laugh...
So Im standing in my driveway, holding onto a door, and laughing hysterically... cars are driving by, and Im just standing there, in 30 degree weather, laughing hysterically, tears are running down my face... kids sitting in a the car, car running, just laughing.. what was I suppose to do.
So, I wait until 8ish... call the call dealership that this POS was purchased from.. and say.. hi, so&so just bought this POS from you, and um.. yeah.. the slider door fell off... Now, here is the intelligence of used car's salesmen...
"Go ahead and bring it in, and we will fix it!"
um.. hi.. I think its a little illegal to drive a car w/a missing door.. what do you think?
and yes, I did ask him this...
He says "Pop it back on"
yeah.. sure.. no problem.. um..how do I do that?
Men & Murphy.. they are related creatures you know..
so me in my wise sarcastic wisdom, tell him that I will pull the crane out of the garage and go ahead and bring it in that way, would that work for him?! He doesnt reply.. niiiiiice!!! Asshole..
ok.. hmm..now what..
I make some coffe.. turn on the cartoons for the wee ones, step outside, have a smoke.. and start laughing some more.. and I cant stop laughing.. hysteria is close behind... 8:30 am.. and Im losing it! Get the straight jacket ready, clean the padded Cell.. because Im on my way!
Finally get ahold of a friend to pick up the kids for school (my son is already late) get ahold of a co-worker to pick me up on her way to work (Thank you J, I love you & she brought me my double mocha.. thats a friend )
and R shows up, calls me at 10, and says.. I got the door on..
thank you for that...
So, its Murphy's Law, as the morning started out perfect, things were ON time, car started, kids were happy.. jingle bell's was in the air, and Murphy just flipped me his finger, and poof.. the goodness is GONE!!! ASSHOLE!!!
So, Im gonna fly to Ireland, find the pub that he's sitting in, and Im going to dump his mug of Guiness all over the top of his wee little head..
then Im gonna throw him on the ground, and kick him, stomp on his head, and spit on him...
Because this aint fair...
Ok, Murphy.. you got me..
If I promise to not fly to Ireland and beat the shit out of you.. will you leave me the hell alone already.. I give up.. you win... You are the victor!!!
So, Im hoping that 2006 will be better, as I cant take much more..
Murphy's Law!!! Who the hell is this Murphy character? I swear, he has been having the best laugh of his life at my expense.!!!
The last year of my life, has been one large practical joke after another.. I swear, things have been happening to me that shouldn't happen to one person...
But the topper to the year.. is what happened this morning...
I got out of bed early... (which is a miracle in itself)
I got ready...
I got the wee one's up, got them ready, with a minimal amount of arguments, fighting, picking on each other. Got them breakfast, got the deadbeat off the couch, got him moving, headed to the car... Its 7am!!! OMG.. Im actually running ON time.. That's right.. ON time..
Mind you, Im driving a total POS!! ITS NOT MINE.. But anyhow.. Im driving this POS, but it runs...so whatever..its just a car...minivan to boot..
and I go to close the slider door on this beautiful piece of junk..................
and.. the fucking door falls off!!!!
Thats right.. falls off... its hanging there...
I look at my 12 year old.. and I quote "What the Fuck?!"
yep.. I said it.. to my son.. I was in utter shock, amazement, awe!!!
the door is hanging there, and there go all my thoughts of beating traffic, getting them to school on time, me getting to work on time, and being able to stop for a double mocha!
Gone.. poof.. no more.. and all I could do was laugh...
So Im standing in my driveway, holding onto a door, and laughing hysterically... cars are driving by, and Im just standing there, in 30 degree weather, laughing hysterically, tears are running down my face... kids sitting in a the car, car running, just laughing.. what was I suppose to do.
So, I wait until 8ish... call the call dealership that this POS was purchased from.. and say.. hi, so&so just bought this POS from you, and um.. yeah.. the slider door fell off... Now, here is the intelligence of used car's salesmen...
"Go ahead and bring it in, and we will fix it!"
um.. hi.. I think its a little illegal to drive a car w/a missing door.. what do you think?
and yes, I did ask him this...
He says "Pop it back on"
yeah.. sure.. no problem.. um..how do I do that?
Men & Murphy.. they are related creatures you know..
so me in my wise sarcastic wisdom, tell him that I will pull the crane out of the garage and go ahead and bring it in that way, would that work for him?! He doesnt reply.. niiiiiice!!! Asshole..
ok.. hmm..now what..
I make some coffe.. turn on the cartoons for the wee ones, step outside, have a smoke.. and start laughing some more.. and I cant stop laughing.. hysteria is close behind... 8:30 am.. and Im losing it! Get the straight jacket ready, clean the padded Cell.. because Im on my way!
Finally get ahold of a friend to pick up the kids for school (my son is already late) get ahold of a co-worker to pick me up on her way to work (Thank you J, I love you & she brought me my double mocha.. thats a friend )
and R shows up, calls me at 10, and says.. I got the door on..
thank you for that...
So, its Murphy's Law, as the morning started out perfect, things were ON time, car started, kids were happy.. jingle bell's was in the air, and Murphy just flipped me his finger, and poof.. the goodness is GONE!!! ASSHOLE!!!
So, Im gonna fly to Ireland, find the pub that he's sitting in, and Im going to dump his mug of Guiness all over the top of his wee little head..
then Im gonna throw him on the ground, and kick him, stomp on his head, and spit on him...
Because this aint fair...
Ok, Murphy.. you got me..
If I promise to not fly to Ireland and beat the shit out of you.. will you leave me the hell alone already.. I give up.. you win... You are the victor!!!
So, Im hoping that 2006 will be better, as I cant take much more..
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Inner Voices - they are making my head hurt
The throbbing inside my head just wont go away... all I want is to wake up in the morning stress free.
I have so many voices in my head today..well actually they have been there for the last few weeks, I have kept them mainly quiet by ignoring them, but every now and then, one pops out and tends to get me in a bit of trouble.
They wear many differant hats, Red for anger... green for jealousy... blue for envy.... white for laying down and doing nothing... and brown for the depression....
but lately its the red hat man that keep's rearing his ugly head...
The anger inside of me is a slow churning tornado, spiraling uptowards to a level 10, the most deadly and dangerous tornado that is out there, and when that happens, its blackout time... everything and anything w/in its path will be lost, destroyed, torn down and thrown away.
It scares me... but I can feel the anger just coursing through my system... just ready to explode into a million fragments and unleash itself on the unsuspecting...and then what? After the destruction you have to rebuild....and that take's compassion... understanding....loving hands...and a whole lot of forgivness... I dont have any of it in me.
the other hat men raise there heads too... (green) jealousy comes along for the friend of mine who gets everything handed to her from her grandfather... her mother... and then complains that there is no money and has to "borrow" from family again... (w/out having to pay it back)... (blue) envy for those that are always so happy... that have all their shit together, and dont have to worry about where the next payment for the power bill is coming from...envy for those in my life that actually smile and mean it, and are not just putting on a happy face for those around them....white, doing nothing.. to just lay down and sleep, and at times wish to not wake up...to just let things pass me by and go away, to leave me the hell alone! To just let me be!
Depression... goes right along w/the white hat... depressed that Christmas is around the corner, and so what? I tried to turn over a new life for Christmas... to embrace it, to acknowledge it, to like it.. but its not happening.. Depressed because of LIFE...
All my hats belong to me... they all make me up to be who I am... but the one that scares me the most is my red hat... ANGER is a dangerous and powerful thing, and so much evil comes out of ANGER... he is cruel....vindictive...powerful....
So.. please do not take it personal... I am containing him the best I can, if I unleash on you, just leave me be, I will come around...and I will apologize... or just pretend it didnt happen...
Someday, I will be back to the happy ol' jolly self that I should be, that I know I can be, that I will be!
Im just tired... just so tired..
I have so many voices in my head today..well actually they have been there for the last few weeks, I have kept them mainly quiet by ignoring them, but every now and then, one pops out and tends to get me in a bit of trouble.
They wear many differant hats, Red for anger... green for jealousy... blue for envy.... white for laying down and doing nothing... and brown for the depression....
but lately its the red hat man that keep's rearing his ugly head...
The anger inside of me is a slow churning tornado, spiraling uptowards to a level 10, the most deadly and dangerous tornado that is out there, and when that happens, its blackout time... everything and anything w/in its path will be lost, destroyed, torn down and thrown away.
It scares me... but I can feel the anger just coursing through my system... just ready to explode into a million fragments and unleash itself on the unsuspecting...and then what? After the destruction you have to rebuild....and that take's compassion... understanding....loving hands...and a whole lot of forgivness... I dont have any of it in me.
the other hat men raise there heads too... (green) jealousy comes along for the friend of mine who gets everything handed to her from her grandfather... her mother... and then complains that there is no money and has to "borrow" from family again... (w/out having to pay it back)... (blue) envy for those that are always so happy... that have all their shit together, and dont have to worry about where the next payment for the power bill is coming from...envy for those in my life that actually smile and mean it, and are not just putting on a happy face for those around them....white, doing nothing.. to just lay down and sleep, and at times wish to not wake up...to just let things pass me by and go away, to leave me the hell alone! To just let me be!
Depression... goes right along w/the white hat... depressed that Christmas is around the corner, and so what? I tried to turn over a new life for Christmas... to embrace it, to acknowledge it, to like it.. but its not happening.. Depressed because of LIFE...
All my hats belong to me... they all make me up to be who I am... but the one that scares me the most is my red hat... ANGER is a dangerous and powerful thing, and so much evil comes out of ANGER... he is cruel....vindictive...powerful....
So.. please do not take it personal... I am containing him the best I can, if I unleash on you, just leave me be, I will come around...and I will apologize... or just pretend it didnt happen...
Someday, I will be back to the happy ol' jolly self that I should be, that I know I can be, that I will be!
Im just tired... just so tired..
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Friendship
I got this idea from another blogger today, and actually, I have been thinking hard on how to say "Thank you" to a few friends who have recently come into my life, but have showed me in the short time that I have gotten to know them, what truly makes a friend.
There is an old poem/saying, that has been circulating for quite awhile, but I have it posted on my wall at work... this hits home everytime I read it....
People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
Reason......
Its is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance & support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconveinient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they act up & force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on
Season......
Beacause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn, these friends bring you experience of peace, or make you laugh. They teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelieveable amount of joy. But only for a season.
Lifetime.....
These relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is clairvoyant.
So thank you to all my friends through out my life, for those that have taught me valuable lessons, have been there to hold my hand when I needed direction, held my head and wiped away my tears. Found their way into my guarded heart and have stayed there through the good, bad and the ugly.
I will never be able to truly thank you, but you know who you are and please know.. that to me you are there for me for a Lifetime... and I hope you will always be there.
I love you..
There is an old poem/saying, that has been circulating for quite awhile, but I have it posted on my wall at work... this hits home everytime I read it....
People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
Reason......
Its is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance & support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconveinient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they act up & force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on
Season......
Beacause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn, these friends bring you experience of peace, or make you laugh. They teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelieveable amount of joy. But only for a season.
Lifetime.....
These relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is clairvoyant.
So thank you to all my friends through out my life, for those that have taught me valuable lessons, have been there to hold my hand when I needed direction, held my head and wiped away my tears. Found their way into my guarded heart and have stayed there through the good, bad and the ugly.
I will never be able to truly thank you, but you know who you are and please know.. that to me you are there for me for a Lifetime... and I hope you will always be there.
I love you..
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Tis the Season - So be happy damn it!!!
Thanksgiving came and went this year, 7 days off from work, and I was down and out with the wonderful flu.. I have never, in my life, hurt so much and been so miserable.. I would go thru natural child birth to not have to endure that again, at least w/child birth, you know it will end soon. with the flu, you just wish to die... to not have to endure the pain, the agony!!! Oh the agony..
Christmas is fast approaching, and this year, I am actually going to embrace the Holiday and be thankful for what I have. I know, this shouldnt be something new, but in years that have come and gone, I never really have embraced Christmas, I have always dreaded it. Granted, this year (like most) will be a small Christmas. But I am actually going to attempt to remember what the Holiday truly means. To me, its not about the birth of Christ, as w/most. Because I was raised w/a differant religious preferance than most who may read this. But I am actually going to do a few things this year to make this Holiday better for me and my family.
1) I will be thankful that I have a home
2) I will be thankful that I have my children (no matter HOW much they bug me for and IPOD)
3) I will show my kids, that Christmas is not about what you recieve, but what you are able to give (i.e. love/comfort/support/kind words)
4) I will not allow the affect of others w/in my home to be a downer upon myself (read previous post's and you know there are other idiots living w/me at the time) ( D - I took in a couple homeless guys.. I dont suggest it)
There will be more added to that list, sad that I can only come up w/4 things.. I know there are more, I just need to put more thought into it.
I have always wanted to assist w/the homeless situation (no T & J I wont bring anymore homeless people into my home) but I was thinking, to show my children that things at home are NOT as bad as what could be, maybe assisting at the local soup kitchen, helping w/serving or arranging a food drive. Something.. there has to be something.
Ok.. Thank you to everyone who reads this and comments, I look forward to the comments and the reads... and I hope everyone has very Happy Holidays!
Christmas is fast approaching, and this year, I am actually going to embrace the Holiday and be thankful for what I have. I know, this shouldnt be something new, but in years that have come and gone, I never really have embraced Christmas, I have always dreaded it. Granted, this year (like most) will be a small Christmas. But I am actually going to attempt to remember what the Holiday truly means. To me, its not about the birth of Christ, as w/most. Because I was raised w/a differant religious preferance than most who may read this. But I am actually going to do a few things this year to make this Holiday better for me and my family.
1) I will be thankful that I have a home
2) I will be thankful that I have my children (no matter HOW much they bug me for and IPOD)
3) I will show my kids, that Christmas is not about what you recieve, but what you are able to give (i.e. love/comfort/support/kind words)
4) I will not allow the affect of others w/in my home to be a downer upon myself (read previous post's and you know there are other idiots living w/me at the time) ( D - I took in a couple homeless guys.. I dont suggest it)
There will be more added to that list, sad that I can only come up w/4 things.. I know there are more, I just need to put more thought into it.
I have always wanted to assist w/the homeless situation (no T & J I wont bring anymore homeless people into my home) but I was thinking, to show my children that things at home are NOT as bad as what could be, maybe assisting at the local soup kitchen, helping w/serving or arranging a food drive. Something.. there has to be something.
Ok.. Thank you to everyone who reads this and comments, I look forward to the comments and the reads... and I hope everyone has very Happy Holidays!
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Step up onto my Soap Box
I do apologize for not checking in sooner, but life has been a jumble of confusion and mass irritability.
Bear w/me, as I jump up on my Soap Box & poor me attitude.... ok.. here it goes..
Im a single mother of 2 beautiful children... 12 & 9.. Im 33 yrs old, and have a hell of a time making ends meet. I work fulltime, which actually averages out to about 55 hrs a week, and do my best to show my children about honor, honesty, hard work, achievments, good decisions, so forth and so on. I make pretty good money.. I mean, not alot, but Im doing alright, and I dont recieve child support, as their fathers are ignorant/self centered/assholes..
With that said, I work and work and work to provide a home for my children to teach them right from wrong and to stand on their own two feet, so why is it, that I cant get any type of additional assistance from the state governmant. I pay into it, every payday, money is removed from my check to support those lazy ass individuals who depends on the state of Washington to support them. Yet, I cant get alittle additional help w/medical costs or food allowance. Im not saying that I deserve it, but I am saying, that yeah, I could use an extra $100 a month for food...
there are certain individuals (that will remain nameless) that sit at home, do nothing, watch soap operas, game show's, and Jerry Springer, just waiting for the beginning of the month to roll around so they can go out and shop. Yeah.. pisses me right the hell off! I cant get any assistance, as I sit here and watch my power bill raise due to winter, gas prices being astronomical, car maintence, food, car payment, house payment, ect ect ect.. yeah I know.. shut up V.. and just deal w/it.. thats life, you learn to live w/it, and then you leave the earth and carry on...
I was on welfare when my son was first born, back in 1994... I was still working, but just didnt make enough to support me and my son, Im telling you it was the most embarrassing thing in my entire life, back when food stamps were actual paper money.. before they put it on the credit cards that they have to day. But I remember the sneers, jokes, and disgusted looks that I recieved at the grocery store paying for my food, I recall paying for groceries, when a girl asked her mother what I was using to pay for my food, her mothers reply, "those paper dollars are for lazy people who wont get off their asses and work" Now, wait a minute!!! Um.. I was still working, my hours were cut down due to the time of year, I was living w/friends, but still had to pay my own way... so, needless to say, my mild/meek self just couldnt let it slide.
I turned, I looked Bertha up and down, and I ripped her a new ass... Have you ever walked a mile in my shoes? Do you have any clue WHY I may be needing assistance from the state? Do you even know a PIECE of my story? NO! you dont, so do not EVER pass judgment upon someone else until you know the real story, the history and they WHY's!!! So Fuck you very much! Buh bye now!!!
I know.. Im kind of contradiciting myself in this post.. however... I totally understand being on state assistance because of necessity sickness/disability(as long as its legite disability) family issues, no education, the real reasons... necessity.. because you HAVE to.. not because u want to.. I get all that..Im talking the ones who are just to selfish and/or lazy that will not get a job to do better for themselves.. those are the ones that piss me off..
Ok Ok.. big Soap Box..
Take care..
Peace
Bear w/me, as I jump up on my Soap Box & poor me attitude.... ok.. here it goes..
Im a single mother of 2 beautiful children... 12 & 9.. Im 33 yrs old, and have a hell of a time making ends meet. I work fulltime, which actually averages out to about 55 hrs a week, and do my best to show my children about honor, honesty, hard work, achievments, good decisions, so forth and so on. I make pretty good money.. I mean, not alot, but Im doing alright, and I dont recieve child support, as their fathers are ignorant/self centered/assholes..
With that said, I work and work and work to provide a home for my children to teach them right from wrong and to stand on their own two feet, so why is it, that I cant get any type of additional assistance from the state governmant. I pay into it, every payday, money is removed from my check to support those lazy ass individuals who depends on the state of Washington to support them. Yet, I cant get alittle additional help w/medical costs or food allowance. Im not saying that I deserve it, but I am saying, that yeah, I could use an extra $100 a month for food...
there are certain individuals (that will remain nameless) that sit at home, do nothing, watch soap operas, game show's, and Jerry Springer, just waiting for the beginning of the month to roll around so they can go out and shop. Yeah.. pisses me right the hell off! I cant get any assistance, as I sit here and watch my power bill raise due to winter, gas prices being astronomical, car maintence, food, car payment, house payment, ect ect ect.. yeah I know.. shut up V.. and just deal w/it.. thats life, you learn to live w/it, and then you leave the earth and carry on...
I was on welfare when my son was first born, back in 1994... I was still working, but just didnt make enough to support me and my son, Im telling you it was the most embarrassing thing in my entire life, back when food stamps were actual paper money.. before they put it on the credit cards that they have to day. But I remember the sneers, jokes, and disgusted looks that I recieved at the grocery store paying for my food, I recall paying for groceries, when a girl asked her mother what I was using to pay for my food, her mothers reply, "those paper dollars are for lazy people who wont get off their asses and work" Now, wait a minute!!! Um.. I was still working, my hours were cut down due to the time of year, I was living w/friends, but still had to pay my own way... so, needless to say, my mild/meek self just couldnt let it slide.
I turned, I looked Bertha up and down, and I ripped her a new ass... Have you ever walked a mile in my shoes? Do you have any clue WHY I may be needing assistance from the state? Do you even know a PIECE of my story? NO! you dont, so do not EVER pass judgment upon someone else until you know the real story, the history and they WHY's!!! So Fuck you very much! Buh bye now!!!
I know.. Im kind of contradiciting myself in this post.. however... I totally understand being on state assistance because of necessity sickness/disability(as long as its legite disability) family issues, no education, the real reasons... necessity.. because you HAVE to.. not because u want to.. I get all that..Im talking the ones who are just to selfish and/or lazy that will not get a job to do better for themselves.. those are the ones that piss me off..
Ok Ok.. big Soap Box..
Take care..
Peace
Monday, November 07, 2005
Another Week.. Another Dollar
Its Monday ya'll... oh joy fucking joy fucking joy...
Monday's suck... I cant wake up this morning, could it be because I was stuck here (being work) on a Sunday for 4 hrs. Granted its double time, but damn! its a Sunday I am overload, I feel an emotional/mental breakdown coming on, hell, Im gonna go commit a crime to just be able to take a vacation, I will plead insanity, and then I will get a 2 week stint at the local psych ward! I get a bed, 3 meals a day, that I dont have to cook, hot shower and lets not forget.. drugs... blissful happy drugs, all legal mind you. I would be ok w/all that!
Anyhow.. my weekend.. Friday night was a freakin joke..lets see, my daughters father and I got into a large argument.. nothing really new there, as we argue all the time, got home Friday night after taking the wee ones to a "sock hop/harvest festival" at the girls school, it was actually alot of fun.. any how.. got home, and W was, well, pissed off, is actually putting it mildly. He was like a Tiger in a cage who just got shot w/a 30/30! And, me being the bitch that I am, I started laughing at him.. he's ranting, he's raving, he's pissed, his head is about to spin around on his neck. And me, Im laughing at him, hysterically laughing at him and I cant stop. Now, word of advice, dont ever laugh at someone when they look like poltergeist K! K! In the 17 yrs I have known this man, I have never NEVER seen him this pissed off.... in all honesty, I dont remember what the argument really was about, except the fact that he wasnt getting his way, I really do believe he thinks that everyone should tow his line, and do his bidding.. well guess what.. um.. nope.. didnt do it when we were together, aint doing it now... but thats what the problem is, he figures that he's been dealt the shit deal in life, so therefore, those around him should cater to his every need. um.. let me think about this one.. Fuck No!!! DumbAss!
Well, the rest of the weekend, turned out alright, Saturday the wee ones went and stayed the night w/some friends, I was gonna go out and get my drunk on, as after Friday..I kind of needed it.. but, then I decided, I just wanted to spend the evening alone, curled up on the couch, and watch stupid movies..all by my wee little self, so I kicked W out, and R (he's the other roommate) told them to be gone, and I did! I sat home, ate like a freakin' pig, which I will pay for at the gym tonight, and watched corny movies. I watched my most favorite movie of all time. Hope Floats...
So just remember...
You just have to give Hope a chance to Float up.
Peace!
Monday's suck... I cant wake up this morning, could it be because I was stuck here (being work) on a Sunday for 4 hrs. Granted its double time, but damn! its a Sunday I am overload, I feel an emotional/mental breakdown coming on, hell, Im gonna go commit a crime to just be able to take a vacation, I will plead insanity, and then I will get a 2 week stint at the local psych ward! I get a bed, 3 meals a day, that I dont have to cook, hot shower and lets not forget.. drugs... blissful happy drugs, all legal mind you. I would be ok w/all that!
Anyhow.. my weekend.. Friday night was a freakin joke..lets see, my daughters father and I got into a large argument.. nothing really new there, as we argue all the time, got home Friday night after taking the wee ones to a "sock hop/harvest festival" at the girls school, it was actually alot of fun.. any how.. got home, and W was, well, pissed off, is actually putting it mildly. He was like a Tiger in a cage who just got shot w/a 30/30! And, me being the bitch that I am, I started laughing at him.. he's ranting, he's raving, he's pissed, his head is about to spin around on his neck. And me, Im laughing at him, hysterically laughing at him and I cant stop. Now, word of advice, dont ever laugh at someone when they look like poltergeist K! K! In the 17 yrs I have known this man, I have never NEVER seen him this pissed off.... in all honesty, I dont remember what the argument really was about, except the fact that he wasnt getting his way, I really do believe he thinks that everyone should tow his line, and do his bidding.. well guess what.. um.. nope.. didnt do it when we were together, aint doing it now... but thats what the problem is, he figures that he's been dealt the shit deal in life, so therefore, those around him should cater to his every need. um.. let me think about this one.. Fuck No!!! DumbAss!
Well, the rest of the weekend, turned out alright, Saturday the wee ones went and stayed the night w/some friends, I was gonna go out and get my drunk on, as after Friday..I kind of needed it.. but, then I decided, I just wanted to spend the evening alone, curled up on the couch, and watch stupid movies..all by my wee little self, so I kicked W out, and R (he's the other roommate) told them to be gone, and I did! I sat home, ate like a freakin' pig, which I will pay for at the gym tonight, and watched corny movies. I watched my most favorite movie of all time. Hope Floats...
So just remember...
You just have to give Hope a chance to Float up.
Peace!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
