Wednesday Weirdness....

1. Have you ever rode in a stolen car? What would you do if, in the middle of going somewhere, found out that the driver had stolen the car you were riding in?
Ok.. well.. yes I have ridden in a stolen car... and I knew it was stolen when I got into the car.. long story short.. we took the car across two states, never got busted, amazingly enough.. I will have to blog about this.. it's really not as bad as it sounds.. and the car was returned to the rightful owners... and she and I are still the best of friends..LOL...

2. What is the most amount of money you've spent in a sex shop or porn store at one time? If you've never been to a porn store or sex shop, why?
Hmmm... I would say like $50.. and it was all on gag gifts for a co-worker who had knee surgery.. all my extra curricular toys have always been gifts.. :)

3. What is the most annoying thing about one of your closest friends?
oohh.. I love her.. I really really do.. but.. annoying? she throws me in the middle of her marriage ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!!

4. Have you ever taken someone's prescription medication with or without them knowing and used it for recreational purposes?
OH yeah... remember.. I was a huge drug user back in my teen years.. I would take anything I could get my hands on!!!

5. What is at least one thing you are you insecure about?
my weight..

6. What are some things that you prefer to do alone?
shower.. I know.. I know.. but that's my "me" time.. sometimes it's nice to enjoy a shower w/that someone special.. but.. Im weird like.. I know

7. How would you react if you found out the anonymous babe who writes all your favorite sexy posts on her blog is really your mother?
OMG... ROFLMAO!!! That would be priceless.. my Mommy and I would get one hell of a great laugh outta that.. hahahahaha... I can only imagine...

Wednesday Weirdness...

1. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Here's the weird thing, I didn't think I would make it to a mature enough age to worry about growing up and becoming anything. You see, I was raised a Jehovah's Witness... so w/all the "church" teachings, the world was coming to an end, and 144k would go to heaven and the rest of us were left here on earth to do what ever it was we were to do... so the future wasn't even a glimmer in my wee little eyes.. then around the age of 12, all hell broke loose in my world and I became an evil evil child... so my teen years were spent druggin, sexin, partyin... but at one point I wanted to be a child psychologist...

2. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side to dip in? If you don't use ketchup, what do you use? If you don't eat french fries, what's wrong with you? (Ok so that last one is just a joke. Kind of. *wink*)
Depending on where I'm at.. if I'm at a restaurant I ask for an side of tartar sauce, I take my ketchup and put a nice big dollop of ketchup in the middle of my tartar sauce and mix it all together.. add a little pepper and YUMMY!!!!
If I'm just getting fries from fast food, I usually tend to eat them plain..

3. When was the last time you had phone sex? If you've never done it, why?
Does text messaging sex count? Actually breathing in ears, talking phone sex.. hmmm.. wow.. ok.. it's been years... since this new age of technology.. Ive had ALOT of text messaging sex.. LOL

4. When was the last time you made someone cry? What did you do to make them cry?
hahahahahah... I make my daughter cry all the time.. but I don't suppose that counts.. I tell her no and she starts crying.. she's such a drama queen..
Other than that, I made my Mom cry a few months ago.. she wasn't around for my teen stupidity years.. and she blames herself for it.. whatever, it was my choice to walk away from life.. Just cant get her to understand that.. anyhow.. I'll have to post about all that sometime

5. How often do you sing in the shower?
Ummm..Never.. I don't need the dogs howling!

6. Have you ever cooked dinner or any other meal naked? If not, would you?
No, I have never cooked dinner naked... nor do I believe I ever would.. mainly because I could just imagine something disaster's happening and I would end up burning a nipple, or something more drastic!

Please read

I finally added some of my favorite sites to my blog roll...

If you are on there and dont wish to be.. please let me know..

If your not on there and want to be.. please let me know..

ok..that's all I got!!!

Evil am I?

How evil are you? So I took the quiz... and yep.. Im the purest of all evilness.. I guess that sums me up.. I dont work for AOL.. but pretty damn close.. look how far that arrow is in the black? WOOOOOOW... Yep thats me.. E V I L

A month of nothingness

Oh wow.. I just realized I haven't posted in a month..
where the time fly's..

So.. lets see.. what do I have fun and exciting to tell all of you...

I'm down 20lbs.. woo hoo for me.. however.. I lost my boobs!!!
Now THAT is depressing.. I want my girls back.. why is it that they were the first to go?
No No.. I still have more than a handful.. but, there just not all there... and that just really depresses me.. which means, I am going to have to save money up, to have put back what once was there...

Hmmm...what else.. nothing.. work kicks my ass, the kids are kicking my ass, the gas prices are really kicking my ass.. 4.08 a fucking gallon... are u serious?!!!!
Thank gawd I get good gas mileage.. but $50 to fill up the gas tank.. it's getting fucking outrageous.. plus.. food prices are skyrocketing too.. I'm gonna have to sell a kidney just to be able to feed the kids & put gas in the car...

I have no sex life anymore...it's almost as if Ive lost the urge.. what is wrong with me? I'm just so stressed about everything that I just am not so sure about how I would respond to someone right now..Maybe I need to contact my beneficial friend and just take out some aggression.. wonder if that would make me feel better... hmmmm.....

I got a new puppy... here I am bitching about living expenses and what do I do.. I go and get a new freaking puppy.. but damn it.. he's cute.. and HUGE... anyhow..

Nothing else to tell ya, my life has turned into nothing but work, home, dog shows, and that's it.. nada else!!!

Wednesday Weirdness..

during my 2 hrs of internet play today..
I was reading AR's blog..and a new Wednesday game..

So here we go....

Wednesday Weirdness....

1. ) Some people can pull leftovers out of the refrigerator and chow down without warming them up. Others can't. What are some foods that you serve warm but can eat once they're cold?

Pizza - I love cold pizza - it is the BEST hangover breakfast ever!!!
Im not a huge leftover person, no matter what my intention are.. the fam - just doesnt do well with leftovers..

2. ) Have you ever incorporated food into sex before? well yes.. yes I have..
Explain.
Is ice a food? probably not, but during the hot summer months, when he places the ice into his mouth, and rubs it against my southern regions.. that coldness, up against hot flesh, is such a turn on....
Other than that.. the usual I suppose.. whip cream, warm chocolate syrup or caramel syrup - just make sure its not to hot or u will burn yourself.. I guess Im not a huge food/sex person..

3. ) What is one snack you eat that other people may consider odd?
Peanut butter sammys - not unusual I suppose, except I have to put butter on both slices of bread first, then the peanut butter, then the jam..
uummm.. toasted cheese sammys' - but.. I put the bread into the toaster.. then melt the butter on it when it's done.. then slide the cheese on.. wrap it in a papertowel for a few - allowing the warm bread & butter to soak into the bread.. you have to butter your toast and add your cheese very quickly tho!
My son however loves Flutter-Nutters...
white bread, peanut butter & marshmellow creme puff... or I think it's called Jiffy Puff..

ok.. that was fun.. who else is playing?

I was Tagged...flagged, nagged, shagged..

So.. my beautiful blog mate Ozfemme decided to tag me..
ooohh.. ain't you so sweet...

"five things about myself"

Well.. Ive listed a ton of things about myself in this blog.. things that I probably should share.. but I have shared.. things I'm sure NO one wanted to read.. but I did.. but.. here are 5 more things.. that no one should know ... but here ya go..

1) I have the most UGLIEST toes/toenails in the world..
seriously..my big toe.. is HUGE.. HUGE I tell ya.. and mishapped...and my little toe..
ain't so little either...and my toenail on that big toe.. is thick.. and ingrown.. and the pedicure ladies LOVE me..
cuz I have ugly feet.. and I get to here from my pedi lady..
"you have ugly toe"
"you come in once a month"
"you feet nasty"
then they all talk about me in their oriental language, point and laugh at me.. and call me the ugly toe lady..
But.. I leave there and I have pretty feet.. for at least a week..
until I run around outside barefoot.. and well then.. they not so pretty no more!!!

2) I get bored... and restless w/life.. and when I start getting bored and restless.. I tend to do things I shouldn't do.. like.. do shots of tequila at the bar, and allow random guys to photograph my boobies w/their cell phones...
or.. allow random girls at the bar feel me up.. cuz they don't believe me when I tell them that "yes.. they are real.. homegrown..no implants here"
or, I turn into a real bitch..I mean.. a real bitch.. only at the bar, when guys try to pick up on me.. why? Cuz I find it humorous.. the more bitchy I get.. the harder they try.. and they buy me more drinks.. but when I try to be nice, they don't pay any attention to me..so... I cuss them out, I put them down, I tell them off, I don't encourage them.. the more I do this.. the more drinks they buy me..
Weird really..

3) I love whole in the wall, po-dunk, urine smelling, sweaty, dirty bars. Low class society bars. I feel like I'm the princess among all the derelicts of society... what no one realizes is that I'm just poor as they are :)

4) I spend at least 2hrs a day surfing the web while I'm at work.. my boss would be so disappointed in me... but... It's how I pass the day...

5) The guys at work have come up w/a new nick name for me.. "Rain Women" as in Rain Man... because I rattled network stuff off to them w/out thinking.. I guess that's a good thing right?

Ok.. that's it.. I'm gonna tag..
hmmm.... everyone.. who hasn't been tagged yet..
4)

Thumb wrestling - it passes the time

Went back to the dentist yesterday to figure out why exactly I'm still so sore, and cant open my mouth (probably a good thing I'm single right now.. cuz the poor man wouldn't be getting any blow jobs :)

Come to find out, I have an infection in my cheek.. there's a huge lump in the upper right corner of my cheek that I didn't notice, cuz well ... I didn't.. until the dental hygienist stuck her finger in my mouth and was probing around.. I almost hit her, it hurt so freaking bad!!!!

So, now I'm on antibiotics to kill the infection..but hey. I don't have to go in next week for that other filling.. woo hoo!!!!!

The sun is finally trying to show it's beautiful ray of light.. I'm really really hoping that Spring finally comes out to play!!!!

Got a random text message from my Beneficial buddy... he's always telling me that he doesn't chase tail.. so I figured I was tired of trying to put it together all the time, so I stopped contacting him (I know.. how childish of me) but hey.. he sent me a txt the other day to let me know he's been thinking of me, and wants to get together really soon :) oh yeah..that made me happy.. cuz..well.. I really really need to get laid!!!!

What else.. nothing.. I got nothing.. sad isnt it?
Work is still a pain in my ass.. I know longer enjoy my job.. which really sucks... with that being said, my boss decided to pile more projects onto me.. why?

hmmm... I get to go pick up a dog tonight.. I belong to the local Mastiff Rescue..
So, I get to pick up a 1yr old female tonight.. she's got a bum leg, so I get to get her all healthy, and then ship her off to a permanent home.. that's assuming the kiddletts don't fall in love with her.. and I can pretty much say they will.. but.. she WILL be going to a permanent home!!!!

And that's it.. ain't that sad?
My life is turning into nothing..
But.. Summer is around the corner.. hopefully something exciting will start happening.. cuz Im getting bored and restless.. and when I get this way.. I start doing things I shouldn't be doing!!!!

Ramblings.. of nothingness

.... it's been about 2 weeks since my last post... and I really have nothing exciting to say.

I went in for a routine filling last week, and come to find out, that the two other teeth around it were rotten (all those drugs I did when in high school has totalled my teeth) and so 3.5 hrs later my bottom 3 teeth on my right side had to be drilled and reconstructed. I kept telling the dentist to just yank them all out and give me dentures, but he says that believe it or not, the roots and bones are still good and it would be cheaper to work with what I have..
Another reason why drugs are so damn nasty!!! At least my teeth arnt all black and nasty!
The previous fillings on those other teeth were loose and therfore were rotting underneath.. GROSS!!!

Anyhow... it's been a week, and now my cheek is swollen & hurts like hell, and I cant open up my mouth very wide. Dentist suck!!!!

Ive lost another 1.5 lbs... slowly chipping away at this weight.. lets see.. I have aprox. 27 weeks before leaving for Cabo.. I figure if I can loose a pound a week - that's 27 pds that will be gone.. plus the 12 Ive already lost.. I'll be looking fine as hell!!!!
That's assuming I keep up w/the gym.. like Im suppose to!

Anyhow.. Im looking for a new job.. Ive hit a road bump here, and I dont wanna be here anymore. I want to move back to Idaho so badly.. but there are absolutely NO jobs over there. I got offered one last week, but I would be taking a $1000 a month cut in pay.. that's to much! So, I turned it down and let them know that when they want to pay me more to give me a call ;)

And Im out.. that's all I got..

Peace

I will see you on the other side..

Received a phone call last night..
A very dear friend of the families was killed in a motorcycle accident in Texas on Monday.

Was out running errands, hit some debris in the road, and went approx 20 ft, landed on his head.
Died upon impact.... the bike went approx 225 ft.

Our local coroner arrived at his wife's house, here in town (as he was down there for his job)
to notify her.

She was headed to see him on Tuesday, and he was coming home w/in the next few weeks.
She had just spoke to him an hour prior to his death.

Please explain to me, how a man can be taken so quickly?
There are derelicts of society sitting in our prisons, roaming our streets, that continue to take the breath that you and I breath..... and yet, death takes the life of a man, who was truly good!

The wife has to fly to Texas, pick up his ashes, and bring them home.
Carry her husbands ashes onto the plane, and then put the "box" under the seat.
How?

I can not fathom her agony. I know how I feel, and he wasnt my soul mate....

My heart goes out to the family..
Words can not express the loss...

Goodbye..
I will see you on the other side..
Have your "scooter" ready.. we will go for a ride, you can drive.. :)

Down & Dirty

For the past several years, I have had a beneficial friend.. but first, let me provide u with a little background.

I once worked with this girl.. and she would tell you straight up, she only dates bald black men.....
in fact, when I first started my job.. that was on of the first things she told me.. I suppose she felt it was a shock factor.. umm..OK..

She met a guy on line.. she started dating him.. her and I became friends, hanging out together after work.. so forth.. well she decides she's going to fix me up w/his roommate.. who was his cousin.. OK.. sounds good...

That night was a trip to say the least.. I met up w/the cousin.. who stood maybe 5'6 - I'm almost 5'9..I never thought height was an issue, although this night.. it was a little awkward.. we drank, we talked, we had dinner, all very harmless.. well when short man figured out he wasn't gonna get me in bed.. he ran off to bed... my friend ran off too bed as she had had to much to drink..
that left me.. with her boyfriend.. who is one fine fucking bald black man!!!
For those of you who have read my post's before, you have read about him...

That night, he hit on me.. I turned him down.. that ain't right.. in my eyes...
I told my friend the next day... she confronted him.. and he of course denied it.. and that started the downward spiral for her & him.. and her and I..

I did end up hooking up w/the cousin... oh come on people.. a women has got to try things out ;)
and for a short man.. he wasn't bad.. and what does it matter when your laying down? Right? Right..

Fast forward.. they are no more.. her and I are no longer friends..
the boyfriend and I, ended up becoming friends thru the whole thing, alot of drama played out.. he would come to my house for advice, mind you, nothing would happen.. until one night, I decided I couldn't keep my hands off of him.. and one thing led to another, and I had one of THE best nights I had ever had up to that point....

It's now been approximately 5 yrs... and he and I have been enjoying each other's company.. sometimes alot every month.. sometimes, ever few months.. just depends on whats going on in each of our lives...

Once upon a time, I thought I was actually falling for him.. but I gave myself a quick talking to, and decided no.. he was/is way to much of a player for me to get caught up in that shit... I don't need the headache... or the heartache.. so.. I cut things off..
and then he would call.. telling me he missed what we had..
so.. I would invite him back..
then cut things off..
invite him back...
then cut things off...
invite him back..
And each time he came back, the chemistry was more intense.. more fulfilling.. more orgasmic!!!! (is that a word?)

Last time I enjoyed his company.. was on New Years...
oh.. no.. I mean Sunday night..
and.. well.. um... O M F G!!!! (that's = oh my fucking gawd)

IT WAS BEYOND ANYTHING I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!!!

I don't know if it was because it had been over 3 months.. I don't know if it was because he has been working out and, holy wow... he is ripped!!! I don't know if it was because Ive been loosing weight, and toning up... so I am a little more open and adventurous.. I don't know..

But I'm here to tell you now.. He's cuming...over tonight..
why do I tell you all this?
Well because..
I'm exercising..oops.. I mean.. sexercising..
toning up..
getting my leg curls in.. and moving my hips.. and practicing my kegels... hehehe...

Ladies & Gentlemen.. I'm getting laid.. oh hell yeah.. laid..
I know.. some people think it's a personal subject.. but I'm here to shout it from the rooftops..
I'm gonna get me some of that man tonight.. and holy shit!!! It's good!!!!!
He makes my body sing!!!

Fat Ass report - 2

Well.. Ive lost 11 lbs!!! The goal is to loose 50 by Oct! I WILL DO THIS!!!
So.. here it goes..

5'8
current weight: 230

GAWD!!! Thats hard to look at.. then again.. when I started Weight Watchers.. I weight 241!
So.. 11 pounds.. that's pretty good.. It's been 7 weeks..
I even, started working out at the gym..
Now.. mind you.. I fucking hate the gym..
Believe me when I say I hate the gym.. I HATE the gym..
I hate excercise, H A T E it... but.. Im gonna do this.. I have commited to $30 a month.. money is sacred to me.. cuz well, Im poor..poor white apartment trash.. LOL..hahahahahahaha...... Im kidding... Im kidding..
It's a joke between my son and I....

Anyhow.. Im commited.. 3x a week.. Tuesday, Thursday & Sunday... hey..it's a start..
I will be lighter by October.. when I go to Cabo.. I will be tone... and lean... and tan!!!
HELL YEAH!!!!

Im doing this for me..
Not for anyone else..
For me.. noone else..

So.. yeah.. 11 lbs.. I have to keep reminding myself.. I didnt pack on these extra pounds overnight.. it took time.. to it's not gonna come off overnight.. it will take time..
but Ive noticed it.. and so have alot of other people.. which makes me feel accomplished (or their just being nice) either way.. it makes me feel good...

Im not on a "diet" Im on a life changing plan..
to eat healthier... to live longer.. to be good to my body..

OH Good lord.. I want a donut!!!

It's done..finally..I have moved on!!!!

The ex wrote me an email..
one stating that I was raising "our" children to be liars.. that I was an "ugly person"
stating that he is done trying to be my "friend" and done sending me money (mind you, he's only paid $20 total in child support)

One stating that he see's my true colors.. Im a bitch.. duh.. already knew that.. one stating that I have never moved on in life, and that he has.. one stating that God is on his side.. not on mine..

So.. I wrote a response in return.. one that I wont send.. but one that I had to vent.. if he ever really does piss me off.. it's one that I will send.. but until then.. I feel better for writing it.. if I was to send it to him.. it would just open up a line of communication that I no longer wish to have in my life...
Here's the letter:


I'm not sure why I am replying to your bullshit.. but none-the-less... here I am responding, which I guess in a round about way, makes me the weak person.. oh well...

I'm not stopping you from being a father to R.. never have, I am however stopping you from being a passing fancy in her life. You come and you go, with no general concern for others. Maybe your changing, maybe your not. Either way I could really care less. Your track record speaks for itself. Your a free-loader, and I wouldn't be surprised if your using the current people your living with or sponging off of. It's what you do.. and you should be oh so proud of yourself for being able to manipulate situations.. Way to go W!!!!

Believe it or not, and it's your choice.. at this point in the game,because this has all become a game.. one that I don't wish to play anymore, but I have forgiven you... I have forgiven you for all the bullshit you put me and MY children through. But, I will NEVER forget.. two different things... I also thank you.. I thank you for teaching me how to be a strong, independent women. For teaching me how to stand on my own two feet, with assistance from my family once, who LOVE me.. I was and am able to provide for MY children. Sadly, you have no family to turn to.. your family sings a different tune when I receive emails from them. Your a liar W.. always have been.. always will be. Your a user.. not of just drugs, which I do hope you have finally given up.. but a user of people, situations & emotions. If you ever amount to anything in life, I will be greatly shocked. As of right now, your a nothing... R doesn't need a father like that. I wouldn't be surprised if she was ashamed of you.

Did you ever stop to think, why she doesn't tell you anything? It's not wholly because of me.. I actually don't speak bad about you in front of her. Yet, she's not a stupid child.. she's extremely intelligent and can form her own opinions. She's sad that she doesn't have a father to rely on.. she's mad because her father is such a loser. She's upset at the fact her father cant keep a job, keep his promises, has multiple children and has nothing to do with them. You should feel so proud of yourself! You are nothing more than a sperm donor to your children. Because it takes a hell of a lot more to be a Dad!

Contrary to your belief, I don't blame you for all my financial woes.. I do however blame you for part of them.. after all.. it was you who manipulated situations to better yourself.. with no cares about the me or the kids.. so be it.. my stupidity for allowing that to happen.. I've moved on, away from you. I'm finally happy in life W.. I finally figured out who I am, what I am, what I want, and what I deserve. It's been awhile since I have been happy, nothing you say or do will take that away. You no longer have control over me, and you no longer can manipulate me to do what you want. I'm so sorry that I grew up. Maybe some day you too can grow up and become an adult.

So you see who I am? You have no idea who I am.. you have no idea what my thoughts are, my passions in life, my out look, my wants or my desires. That's all fine with me, I don't want you to know me. Because you have no rights to know me. I have no rights to know you, nor am I going to pretend to know who you are. If I saw you walking down the street, I wouldn't even take a second look in your direction, because your outer appearance is one of a destitute, washed up, used, has been.. oh wait.. you haven't been anything in life.. so your just a wanna be.. a wanna be something in life, but not able to achieve it unless you can pull others down with you. To me that defines "User"

I'm sure God is pleased with you lashing out. Matthew 6:14 - 15 " For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." I have forgiven you..and moved on.

God Bless W...May the road ahead of you bring you happiness, forgiveness & tranquility

Say it.. Mean it.. Believe it...

Some things that are getting me thru life at the moment:

"Regret is the cancer of life."

"Live Well, Laugh often, Love much"
(although Im having issues in the "love" world..Im loving what's already mine)

Comes the Dawn

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul;
and you learn that love doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
and presents arnt promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain.
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get to much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.....
that you really are strong.....
and you really do have worth....

And you learn, and you learn, and you learn
-Author: Anonymous

Each day is brighter

Its been 3 days.. since my cry fest.. 3 days to allow myself time to heal, to move on, to think.
Not nearly enough time to obtain any answers, or to figure anything out.

However.. w/in those 3 days.. things have gotten easier.. there still is a dark shadow over my heart.. but, I can see rays of sunshine bursting in... I will be ok.. I will over-come.. I will be me again.

For years I walked around with an icy coating.. w/ice so thick that it would take more than just icepicks to chip it away. Stick of dynamite probalby wouldnt work either...
I froze myself off from so many "oppurtinities" after my last "relationship" I swore to myself that I would never put myself or my children thru that hell again.

Here I am... years later.. thinking to myself.. Can I?
Can I allow all these emotions to run? Can I allow myself the oppertunity to find happiness?
Happiness? possibly.. Love? No...

I read in a magazine this morning sitting at the dentist office for my kids cleaning appointment (oh..and there were NO cavaties found.. Im such a proud Mamma)

"Connecting with your soul mate isn't a matter of luck, but requires allowing yourself to feel worthy of unconditional love. Your life partner probably isn't identical to you, but rather someone who shares common values, allowing you bring out the best in each other. Keeping an open mind and a willingness to accept change is the key"

Sitting here thinking about that.. makes me think.. is there really such thing as soul mates?
Can I feel worthy of unconditional love?
To be able to spend my life w/one person, who accepts me for me.. doesnt expect me to be someone else. To not have to change my way of thinking to bend to him?

I dont believe it's a possibility.. I dont believe that there is someone out there for me..
Which is why I cant move forward in my life. I still believe in those words that were uttered to me so many years ago.
"You will never find anyone for you, you will never find someone who loves you as I do, You will never be worthy of anyone else's affections.. you belong to me"

It took me 4 yrs to walk away.. but emotionally, Im still tied..
That power is still there, no matter how much I pretend its non-existant.
I still give him the power to control.. even tho I refuse to be controlled.
It's an on going battle that I wage between my heart/soul & mind..
There still is a piece of my heart that belongs to that long ago nightmare, even though I KNOW in my heart we are better off w/out him.
My mind is strong... my soul is healing..
My heart has a hole in it..

I think part of my heart wants to feel love... part of my mind.. has found it.. but my soul wont accept it..
My soul wont allow what could be. Because it was my soul that had to carry me so far before.. That had to stop me from cutting away the pain. It was my soul that had to pick up my heart & mind... correct the damage, and push forward...

So.. how do I get the 3 back into order.. to co-exist w/one another?

Oh no... Ive given myslef a headache!

My heart hurts :(

I cried for the first time in months yesterday morning.
I cried...
I actually cried..
My heart hurt that bad...

Did you know, that it's really hard to drive a car with tears running down your face.
Visibility is awful!
I dont cry...
I rarely ever cry..
My Daddy always used to tell me that it's a wasted emotion and doesnt solve anything.
Action's solve your problems.. Not tears..
But yesterday I cried.

I took a weekend trip.. just me.. no kids.. and I drove to Idaho.. 5 hrs one way..
to see old friends..

the night before I left.. I saw him..
and my heart swelled.. and yet I was scared.. because I could so easily.. just crawl right into him.
I could fall.. so hard.. that I may never find "me" again...

There were about 10 of us.. laughing, eating, drinking, enjoying each others company.
Old friends of mine.. some that I hadnt seen in years..
and him..
He was married to a good friend of mine... they are no more..
as the night progressed.. people left.. or crawled into beds, and went to sleep..
we talked..
for hours.. just he and I...
about the past, the future, the now.. emotions, current situations

then he asked me.. if he could kiss me..
and he did..
and I have never felt like that before..
when his lips touched mine, I melted... my breath caught..
the wolrd tilted.. and I realized.. then and there.. I finally found him...
it felt that right :)

It probably was a mistake.. to attempt what came next..
we ended up together.. laying next to one another.. enjoying the feeling of skin..
when these words are spoken..

"I cant"
??????????

I told him it was ok..
Just lay down.. get some sleep.. relax..
That it could of been a number of things..
1) to much alcohol
2) no attraction
3) just not ready (he had been seperated for just over a year.. w/out any activities)

He said the attraction is there.. he finds me intimidating, because Im so beautiful..
he never realized how beautiful I was, because he wasnt allowed to look.. or really get to know me..I am the most beautiful person he knows...

I chalked this up to drunk talk..
I waited for him to pass out..
and went downstairs to the couch.. and slept.. for 45 min
he shows up.. curls up on the couch w/me...
and falls asleep...

hrs go by.. It's time to leave..
tell him Im leaving to make my 5 hr drive home..
gives me a little hug.. and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

I get in my car..
and I cried..
I cried half way down I-90
I cried...
My heart still hurts
I think I may cry some more

I tried to talk to him yesterday..
via txt
they were so formal

I cried some more

Finally talked to him last night.. I didnt sayanything about how I felt..
the subject was actually never brought up..
Never mentioned..

He talked..rambled really.. almost as if he was nervous..
talked about his plans.. for the year..
He included me in on alot of those plans..
Introductions need to be made w/me and all his friends..
Camping, ocean trips, trip to Cabo, weekends that need to be spent together

As friends?
Or More?
I didnt ask..

I dont know what it all ment..
5 hr trip really is alot of time for a mind to think... and think... and think..
scenerios to play over & over & over.
Decisions to be made.. and changed...

I dont know where we stand.. Im not sure if I want to know..

I dont even know what it all means... ???

I guess.. I should do what comes normal.. bury everything..
and go back to where we were..
and call it good..

not two steps back..
I need to go a whole block back..
and remain Me.. otherwise.. I will get lost again..

L.O.V.E

Many years ago I fell in love, with a man who was my everything.. he was the reason I was put onto this earth to breath. We would have great conversations about the future, where it would take us, what we would do, how to get there.. there was nothing to stop us, as long as we had each other. He was the reason why the birds sang, rainbows arch over the sky and everything was right in the world.

Until reality smacked me straight in the left eye.. and my world became a dark rainy, thundering night, and lightening streaks that nightmares were made of.

Fast forward 12 years.. the only reminiscences I have of him, is my daughter... I say "MY" daughter because I'm the one who has raised her, provided for her, supported her. Gotten up in the middle of the night with her, disciplined her, bandaged her, guided her, swatted her butt. She is mine.. not his. Always and forever mine.

He was never there.. when we found out I was pregnant.. the nightmare began.. It's when the most harshest words have ever been spoken to me.
"Your getting an abortion"
I should of known at that time I was on the doorstep of Hell.
I should of known at that time that my life was about to take a drastic downward spiral.
But.. Love cures all.... right?
No.. Love makes you blind. Love makes you stupid. Love turns you into putty in an abusers hands.

I try not to dwell on all the negative.. in some cases I wouldn't change much of my past.. If I had never of met up with him, I would of never had my daughter, if I would of never met up with him, I would of never realized how strong I could of been. If I would of never met him, I would of never over come my fear (at the time) of being alone.

The reason I bring all this up, is because he just called me.. at work..
to tell me that he's found God.. and that because of God, he has found it in his heart
to forgive me, for leaving him, in a snow storm, on the side of the road.
To also tell me that he loves me, and he's sorry for all the things he's done to me over the years and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wishes he wouldn't of screwed it up all those years ago.

He's sorry for telling me to get an abortion
He's sorry for slamming me up against the wall when I was 7 months pregnant.
He's sorry for spanking my son so hard that he left bruises
He's sorry for segregating me from my family
He's sorry for screwing around on me and getting that other chick pregnant
He's sorry for stealing from me
He's sorry for selling my only car out from under me so he could buy more drugs
He's sorry for lieing to me, cheating on me
He's sorry for never supporting "our" daughter
He's sorry for never acknowledging her
He's sorry for walking away from her
He's sorry for attempting to kidnap her
He's sorry.. he's sorry.. he's sorry

He hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive him...
Well you know what.. I can.. I can forgive
I can find it in my heart to forgive him..
I will also thank him for giving me my beautiful daughter
I can thank him for making me realize that Im a hell of alot stronger than I EVER gave
myself credit for
I can thank him for teaching me how to respect myself..
I can thank him for bringing me closer to my family
I at least can thank him for teaching me that forgiveness is one of the biggest things you can
give to another person.
Just never forget.. because once you forget, the cycle can start all over again.

I forgive you..
I hope that your life finally turns itself around, I hope that you and your family finally find each other and forgive each other.
I hope that you can forgiveness in your own soul..

Oh.. and let me know how this whole "God" thing works out for you.
God found me years ago.. I walked away from him.. what's amazing is how he continues
to support me, acknowledge me, and understand me... regardless of all the mistakes I make..
and regardless of how many time I curse at him..
You dont need a church to tell you how to pray.. or how to worship.. what you need is to actually allow him into your heart.. and your soul..
Im still trying to do that.. but he knows I still need him..
Hopefully he can do the same for you...

Thirsty Thursday

Half Nakid Thursday..

Here's a lovely shot of my boobies... w/a few random signatures...
You see, every year I attend a 24 hr fun filled biker event, about 1200 attend, and we drink, dance, eat, communicate and have see some boobies, get a little to much sun (as you can see I had a lovely sun burn.. and well just have fun...

So.. Here's ya go.. Enjoy!!!

Other than that.. life is trudging along... one pound at a time is falling from my frame.. and Im really really liking the way Im feeling!

Im getting into clothes in my closet that I havnt been able to wear in awhile.. who would of thunk.. that 15lbs would make such a HUGE difference!!!?????

although last night, I kind of went over board.. I got bored and started eating.. but I wasnt eating bad things.. just alot of 100 calories snack thingys... oh well.. I will just have to work a little harder at the gym.. which I finally started back at.. YEAH ME!!!

oh.. and Im not on a diet.. Im on a life changing mission!!!!

Thirsty Thursday..

heading to the local watering hole tonight and Im going to have a nice glass of wine.. cuz a glass of wine is only 4 points on weight watchers.. now lets hope that I dont smoke too.. cuz they kind of go hand in hand... but I can DO IT!!!!

Ok boys & girls.. enjoy your weekend..

Monday - Woo Hoo!!

Monday's I usually wake up with the dread of the beginning of a working week.
Today however, I woke up, rejuvinated!

I got my hair cut on Thursday, and it's taken me 4 days to figure out how I like to fix it.
I walked out of the beauty parlor that night and thought I was going to die!!! D I E!!!
I wanted to cry, my hair looked so awful! I should of known tho, because they always fix your hair the way they want to, and well , it never quit looks good..

But, it's been 4 days and I love it now! The girls at work even said that I dont look so "bitchy" anymore.. that it makes me look softer.. LOL.. I had to laugh at that, what does that comment tell you about my personality???

Ive lost another 2lbs.. YEAH ME!!! I put on a shirt this morning that I bought 3 weeks ago.. havnt worn yet, but it's been hanging in my closet.. so I put it on this morning, and it literally just hung on me.. YEAH!!!!
I mean it was depressing, cuz I dont really have the money to be throwing around w/clothes.. but since the tags were still on it, Im taking it back and getting a smaller size.. then I put on a differant shirt that used to be to tight, and damn I look HOT today... LOL..

Other than that.. Im in a fantastic mood today.. amazing what a total of 15lbs weight loss will do to a person!!!

35 more to go and maybe just maybe I will post a scantly clad picture of myself.. or.. then again maybe not.. we shall see....

Peace everyone!!!
Oh yeah.. Today is day 16 of not smoking too!!!!
Damn.. when it shines, the sun is BRIGHT!!!

The watcher of weight

I weighed in on Saturday.. Im pleased to announce, I lost 7.4 lbs!

Now.. Ive also been sicker than a dog this last week. Ive had the damn flu.. so I havent wanted to eat.. but I really dont care.. 7.4lbs.. is 7.4lbs!!

In other news.. I got nothing..

Went to the Portland Zoo yesterday.. it was ok.. nothing overly exciting.. there's a pic of the one of the Orangatangs.. aint he cute!!!

I have no life..

I really need to get a life..

this flu kicked my ass.. Im still exhausted, my energy has just been sucked outta me.

Ok.. well I guess that's all I got..

take care, and I will touch base this week!!