Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Its been almost a month since my last post.
Life is throwing many curve balls, but so far Im dodging them
on a regular basis

Quick run down...
The trash is cleaned out
Men off to the dump
On my own two feet again
Standing strong
Thank you to my dear friends, with out you things would be more wayward.

So, random thoughts now

Ive been readin O magazine..
Dr. Phil wrote a good article that made me do some inner searching
on what it is that bring people to me. Return for more. To want to associate w/me.
Good question. Ive often pondered why I cant seem to get a date, why I cant seem to
keep a man. Why I cant be happy with the cards that life has dealt me.
Well, Its not that I cant shuffle and real deal, as Ive tried that, but more along the lines
of trying to keep my "poker face" and just keep on rolling and just accept what I have no control
over. Or do I have control over it and just dont realize the control that has been dealt to me?
The control is w/in our own being, on how we deal with the people around us, accept what is and just keep on moving.
I have control of my life, I have the control to say no, to correct the mistakes that have been made, learn from those mistakes, and better the circumstances. I have the power to better myself, to better my life, to better all that is around me.
Alot of that comes from the types of people that you associate with. To associate with those that really truly care about you, really truly want to see you succeed, that really truly love you.
For those friends I will always, forever have gratitude for and will NEVER be able to repay their kind words, kind actions and loving arms that have helped me to move forward when things were at an all time low. You know who you are, and I dont always say it but Thank you from the bottom of my heart for EVERYTHING you have done for me.

A.P.P. = a little more soul searching - from the Dr.Phil article (he may be a quack, but he has some good words)
So, Ive been trying to determine how to boost my personal confidence. I have always thought of myself as a non bullshitter, a take no BS kind of gal. Straigh forward, honest and maybe a little hard assed. But am I?
I had a guy tell me that Im just an onion. Someone with many differant layers and at the core there's the real me. The one that I dont necessarily allow people to see. There are few that have seen the real me. The one that actually feels, crys, hurts, has feelings. I think out off all my friends and acquantices there are maybe 6 that know the true me. The one that I keep hidden from the rest of the world. And why do I do this? Because from past experiences. I allowed circumastances to choose the path that I would walk down. The path that I would determine on who to become.
So, do I change who I have become? Or do I expand on who I am today and make myself better? Change does not come easy to anyone, so I have decided I will expand, and make who I am currently a better person, a richer person, but not just monetary, but personable, loveable, caring. All the things that make me a better person, a better mother a better human.
So, Im taking a personal inventory... A.P.P
Appearance = Im not a swim suit model, Im not perfect, but Im not ugly. Look for the positives that the outside world sees... what I believe are my "bonuses" ... so here we go....
1) I have pretty eyes
2) I have a nice nose
3) I have great boobs
Ok.. thats it.. sad.. gotta work on that
Presence = my energy.. my spirit.. hmmm... do I radiate when I walk in a room? I dont think so, but I do get noticed, I walk into a crowded room, I do see people turn my way.. but why? what is it? My dont fuck w/me attitude? The way I dress? Confidence? Im not sure, I have to dig deeper and really pay attention.
However presence also is my listening skills.. do I listen attentively (thinking work here now) do I give my impute do I act knowledgeable? Yes.. I do believe I take my job very seriously. I give my inpute and I am knowledgeable concerning my position. I love my job!!! Not many can actually say that about there work. I counter act w/my coworkers well (Im pretty sure)
In social gatherings.. how do I act? am I a wall flower? NO.. thats not me at all.. do I mingle w/just those that I know? (depends on how much wine Ive had) seriously.. what am I like in social gatherings? Of course the alcohol loosens me up, but over all, I like to think that I am approachable. Or am I?
Personality = I liked the way Dr. Phil stated Personality.. "We all have a way of being in the world" interesting.. so how do I live my life w/in this world? Im me.. and thats that. I refuse to change the way I think, the way I react. My thoughts are my own. I am my own person, and I make the choices for MY life! I love life, I love my children, I love those that love me in return and I give 180% to those that show me in return the same respect that I show them. I laugh, I cry, I hurt. Just like anyone else but how I choose to show it, feel it is probably differant than you choose to show or feel, thats what makes us all unique. Thats the great thing about society. If we were all made the same this planet would be very boring. I can not be all things to all people. I am me... just me.. nobody else
I argue, I may not agree with what you say or your thoughts on current social circumstances, but hey.. thats ok. Im proud of what I have accomplished to get where I am today, and yet, I have so much more to accomplish and complete before I finish my time on earth.

I will not allow anyone to control me, what is the point there? Who do you become then? A puppet, pull the strings I will wave when you tell me to wave? No, I dont think so.

So.. in the end.. I am proud to be who I am... and I will just get better!!!

Peace everyone.. and thanks