Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Life is chugging along at a snails pace.
Current mood is: irritable.. restless...bitchy... I can feel it clawing at the surface, wanting freedom but I'm not allowing it to escape. It's a fine line between words that cut and fists that hurt but I'm holding my own. And I will WIN!!!
The ex is all over me like white on rice, and Ive had enough, so I did allow my venomous words attack him. When ever his life is not going well, he calls me whining about how "fucked" he is.
Like I care. He always does this while I'm at work, because he knows I will not react while I'm sitting at my desk. Well.. yesterday he caught me while a number of things were going on.
1) I'm sick.. I feel like shit, and I'm running a fever, but I cant take time off work..
2) I ache.. due to being sick
3) He is an asshat!!!
So.. I let loose, and my poor co-workers had to listen to me say things that only he should of heard such as:
"Your 37 yrs old, its time for you to put your big boy undies on and grow up. Stop harassing me and laying all the blame at my feet, I'm done.. no you may not stay with me for the next month. It's NOT an option, as I don't wish for you to step foot in MY home. Where I pay the bills, clean, sleep and eat. I have NO desire to be around you, see you, let alone talk to you. I'm D O N E!!!
You are the one who made all the decisions to raise your voice and fist's to me all those years ago, I am no longer the weak women that I once was. You want to threaten me, go right ahead... you can do it while you sit in a 10x10 cell behind locked bars.
Because as Ive said.. I'M DONE! "
I proceeded to hang up. I sat at my desk just seething.. and the room was so quiet, that I thought maybe, just maybe everyone had gotten up and left.. you could of heard a pin drop! Oh no. not that lucky, all the sudden I hear.. "Way to go" "good for you" and other words of congratulations and what nots... I guess I wanted my voice to be heard!
He called and left me a voice mail here at work last night, blaming his life and all his mistakes on me. His transgressions are all my fault. Him being a worthless piece of human flesh, my fault. Him not being able to maintain a steady job due to his lack of commitment, my fault. Him not being able to maintain a relationship between any of his kids (he's got 4 all different mothers) my fault. Yes, you guessed it... everything is my fault.
It's a tough burden to carry on ones' shoulders. The ill will of someone else, all their faults, their life being a sorry state of repair, and for the longest time his little poor me attitude used to get to me and I would carry it all around.
But I'm hear to say.. NO MORE!! I'M DONE!!! I'M FREE!!!
I will NOT be the one to carry around his guilt and his failure at being a productive member of society!
Im F R E E !!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
because I have had nothing really to write about.. nothing to enlighten any of you
nothing to entertain you.. and sadly I still have nothing.
Although I do have some things on my mind.. Im not sure how to write what Im currently thinking about... how to form it all into words.. and coherant thoughts.
So.. if this post loses you. Im truly sorry.. but here goes.
Schools in, and Im busy..
with that being said.. Im also exhausted.
Where is the me time?
Ive lost me along the way.
Who am I?
What is my current goals in life?
Where is my enjoyment?
What is my enjoyment?
I just feel so lost!!!!
Life is good.. I mean I have my family & my health. I finally got all moved and me and the kids are good.
But.. who am I? Do you ever feel like you have lost a piece of you and w/out it you just cant seem to get motivated? To figure out what is missing, like it's an internal piece of your inner going ons? This piece of me that's missing, is it what keeps me going forward? Or because whatever is missing, is what is keeping me from moving forward? Because I just feel like I could curl up somewhere and just sleep.. for long long hours...days upon days..
Is it depression? And if so.. what do I have to be depressed about? I have the main concerns in life.. kids welfare, health blah blah blah...
home life.. bills.. blah blah blah.. other than that, nothing is out of sorts..
So whats my deal?
I just want to close my eyes.. and sleep..
An old friend of mine from days gone past contacted me. It was great to hear his voice and to catch up with him. He and I actually became friends because he married one of my good friends, but something happened, and like so many friendships.. it went wayside.. I would call.. talk to him, but she just all the sudden didnt want anything to do with me.. not sure why.. we live 6 hrs from each other, so our only communication was via phone.
Fast forward 3 yrs w/out a word from anyone, and he calls me outta the blue.. I guess they ended up divorcing (really sad, as they were a great couple) and he was headed to the Seattle area (Im outside Seattle) and wanted to meet up.
Well I wasnt in town that weekend, so we didnt get o meet up, but we have chatted on the phone and it was just great to re-connect with him. But I think I figured out what the deal was with his soon to be ex. Over the course of their relationship, he and I formed a strong bond ( I have always gotten along better w/men than woman anyway) and I did take his side in a few arguments that they had (this was back when they first got together and we all still lived in the same town) but damn it.. she was in the wrong and I did try to get her to see that.
Once I moved out of that state and headed back home.. I would call and he and I would just sit on the phone and chat and chat and chat. She was always to busy to talk to me, or wasnt home or whatever.. and her and my friendship dwindled to a nothingness existance.
But I think she may of thought that he and I ended up becoming more than friends? But how could that be possible? We never were.. I would never cross that line with a friend. NEVER....
hmmm.. it saddens me that they are no longer together, there are 3 children involved.. none together.. but he has 2 and she had 1. He did come w/his fair share of baggage into the relationship.. then again.. she had her fair share too..
Maybe it just wasnt ment to be.. the marriage for them..and our friendship too.. just makes me shake my head in wonderment..so many questions.. but no answers.
Lordy.. I dont feel well.. kind of feel like Im in some kind of fog world.
oh oh oh.. OMG.. I found a wolf spider crawling across my bathroom floor the other night.. that sucker was HUGE!!! I HATE spiders.. hate them, hate them, hate them.. this guy was so freaking big I about crawled out of my skin.. took everything I had not to scream like a little she-bitch.. cuz it was the middle of the night.. so yeah.. I had to scoop it up w/a wad of kleenex and flush him down the potty.. now my biggest fear is, it's gonna crawl back up the pipe and into my ass some night when I get up to pee.... (oh that thought had me clenching my butt cheeks together)
Ok.. well.. Im done.. there's more.. but Im sure ya'll dont have any wish to read what I have to say..
and if you made it this far.. word of advice.. dont kill spiders..
10 more come back in the dead one's place!!!
Monday, September 17, 2007
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it >is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot seethrough the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, StillRaining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them (well Im not forwarding them.. however.. I am definently from the Pacific Northwest!!!)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent
Without her consent
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands
With one hand
With your teeth
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection
Without an erection
69 lying down
69 standing up
Lying in bed hugging
Getting up immediately
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
70 and over
Results are still pending
In a hurry
With her father knocking at the door
With your wife knocking at the door
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
You will not be forgotten
To all those who lost their lives..
To all those who risked their lives...
You will forever be with in my heart
And with in the hearts of many others.
I recieved the following via email from my mother...
I am a supporter of our soldiers.. the men & women who give up their lives daily for our Freedom...
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?
Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.
I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.
When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !!
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem" -- Ronald Reagan
I have another quote that I would like to add.......
"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Also by.. Ronald Reagan
One last thought for the day:
In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out."
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: 1. Jesus Christ 2. The American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
But on the happy side of that, is Im off the rest of the week, heading down to Oregon to finish the meat head up, and get him to Eukunuba... cross your fingers and toes.. that this will get him the needed points, cuz Im gettin tired!!!
Other than that, my weekend consisted of nothing.. nada, zip, zilch, zero. It was freaking awesome!!!
But, alas Im tired again, is it cuz Im stuck at work?
We had some awesome thunder & lightening last night, I love love love good thunder storms.. I opened the blinds, turned off all the sound & lights and just layed in bed watching the show out the window. Beautiful!
Ok.. TMI Tuesday.. here ya go
1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?
Um, dinner well, my son wanted to make dinner so I let him, he ground up some hamburger, made some mashed potatoes.. mixed them together, and threw on some shredded cheese.. yep.. I call it, Wonder Mutt suprise... it was eatable..
2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?
LOL.. I dont carry cash.. I spend it to quickly.. my last $6 was spent last night when the girl child hijacked it to pay for the ice cream truck....
3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?
I tell them to go away.. seriously.. just stop talking, turn around, and go away... not interested, Im not gonna change my mind.. so shut up..and go away.. if they still dont hear me.. I just will walk away...
4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
hmmmm...this is a hard question.. I mean.. some people just have made some really bad choices, and thought what they were doing was in their best interest, come to find out it all blew up in their face and they learned a really rough/tough life lesson and realized that it's not good to be the cheater... then again.. some have made the choice to do so, and continue doing so, something about the thrill I suppose.. but.. a leopard doesnt change his spots, he just rearranges them.. is a pretty true statement. I mean, if they have never been caught they figure they can continue to do so, and dont care about other peoples feelings, they only seem to care about their own gratification. Did I answer the question?
5. Describe your sex life in two words.
Right now, my sex life is between me and Bob.. (battery operated boyfriend)
I turn him on when I want
Off when I want
I tell him what to do, when to do it, how to do it, where to do it
As long as I want, or as quick as I want...
But.. it does get a little old after a while.. sometimes, and it's few and far between, I miss having that someone next to me in bed.. but.. then I end up fighting over blankets and pillows, and listening to someone else snore, or their feet touching me..
ok ok ok.. like I said.. it's few and far between I have those moments of missing someone...
Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?
LOL.. no.. I get sex for free..
however when I was living w/family.. my beneficial friend and I used to take turns on who was paying for the hotel room.. I used to joke with him when it was my turn to pay that I was paying for sex... and therefor, I better get my money's worth..LOL..
the answer is Yes.. I would get my money's worth...LMAO!!!!