Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Im a little birdie.. free...

The talk came after an akward evening where I spent my evening drowning my unhappiness in double rum n cokes w/a lime...

I probably consumed my own bottle or Bacardi, how I do enjoy a good rum!
The text messages started filtering in around 11 or so, to the tune of poor me, whoa is me
so forth and so on.

Im not a cheater... I have never cheated on my significant other.

I was ready to go out and find some random man, and have my way with him.....
just to prove a point!

The messages started flying even quicker... one right after another, they ranged between two emotional sets, Anger & Pity

I came to some realizations that night, standing outside a bar, talking to some strange guy about all the going on's in my home.

Im not happy
Im not attracted to him
I need a MAN! not a whinny ass little boy

So, the talk came finally...
needless to say....
This little free... free... FRRREEEEEE!!!!!!

Time for me to call my booty call.. woop woop!!!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Food for thought.. or is it stuck in my teeth?

So.. he's here, that long lost love of mine from many many years ago.
Arrived a few months ago, and I can honestly say... I don't like it!

I don't like it one bit.

I miss my freedom, that's what this all boils down to.
I miss my freedom. My freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.

Selfish? Probably
Do I care? Not at the moment

I'm at a loss of what to do. He's an OK guy, but I honestly think it all boils down to me getting this assumption that things would be great, putting so much expectation on what was, what could be and not really thinking the whole big picture through. He gets along with the kids OK. There have been a few rough patches but it's getting better. He gets along great with the dogs, I suppose that's a plus. However, it's been just over 3 months, and still unemployed. I'm starting to feel as if he's just here to live off of me. Yes, I have had this talk with him already, I laid it all out for him. My feelings, my thoughts.... he swears he's not a mooch..all he wants is happiness. But, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the last 3 weeks, and it's slowly getting worse.

What do I do now? He has nowhere to go, no job, no friends, no money. Nothing.. Did I lead him on? Did I make promises that I need to keep? Should I buy him a one way ticket back to where he came from?

It boils down to me. Again, selfish... but I lived in misery once already, for many many years. Hell was my back door and the happiness part of my life at that point was far far away. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy to be alone. I reached that point and started dating again. But I still had my freedom. I'm not me anymore. It's only been a few short months.. and I'm not me. And that worries me.

How can someone love you 20 yrs later. They have no clue who you are. What you have become. Thoughts, beliefs, opinions, out look on life, wants, desires. Do I even care about him? I get frustrated more than anything. Frustrated at comments, how he thinks, and OMG.. the sex... the sex is unsatisfying... I find myself faking it more than anything... what's the point?

What is the point?

Maybe it's just time.. to say goodbye.. and see ya.. cuz I cant do this..
why live my life unhappy?
It's my life after all.... Ive given up so much, and have come so far, so it wouldn't be worth it to accomplish all that I have accomplished.. to just bring me back down again.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

No Money for the Masses

Cats are always so dramatic!