Thursday, December 20, 2007

East Coast Wind - freezing!!!!

Tis the season for all the weird things in life to come out of the wood.

Why is it, that the minute I start thinking of him, he rears his ugly head with in a week?

Wil has returned. Oh Im so thrilled. I dont want him in my life, I dont want him around me. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see him. I dont want him around our daughter. I cant stand him. So explain to me, why is it that he mentions why he moved out of state, was becuase of his girlfriend. That I get insanly jealous? Please someone explain to me, why my heart rate speeds up, why I can feel the blood rushing thru my veins, why I cant breath. And why oh why do I get so damn mad!????

He makes me so angry! He gets me so infuriated!
Yet.. Im jealous of him?

I know the why's..
honestly I do..
Let me explain to you the whys.. and tell me.. why?

He has freedom... he is able to come & go as he pleases. No responsibilities. No bills (well Im sure he has them he just doesnt pay them) he moves around, carefree, goes where he wants. Does what he wants, when he wants, w/whom he wants, how he wants.
No one is dependant upon him.
No one is looking to him for all the answers.
No one is making him be the adult.
No one following him around excpecting him to fix everything.

Yeah... that's why... that's exactly why. It angers me.. OH God.. does it anger me!

I have given up so much of who I am for my children. I have given up so much to put a roof over their head, food in their stomach, clothes on their back. But that's what a parent does! That's what I do.. That's who I am! A mother. Because I choose to be!

But you know what. Im loved.. and my kids in turn are loved. I would NEVER give up what I have, to have what he has, Or what he doesnt have.
He doesnt have the love of his daughter. Which I couldnt imagine not looking into her eyes everynight before bed. Not being able to hear those words out of her mouth every morning "I luv ya mom"
I imagine its a very lonely life that he lives.

I couldnt imagine not having my loves.

So why then am I angry still? Im where I want to be in life.
Im where I NEED to be in life.

Because the man I fell in love with 12 yrs ago, no longer exist's.
The man that I was suppose to live the rest of my life with... died
The man that he is today.. is a stranger.

Life has a funny way of making you wake up and realize the important things.
I have no reason to be angry. I choose not to date.
I have chosen to live my life the way I do, because I put my full attention on my children.
That's my choice. That's who I am. It's what I want. It's where I need to be!

The day will come, when he realizes how much he has lost.

So.. tell me.. why I feel so angry still????

Thursday, December 13, 2007

There's a snot monster in my nose

I woke up w/a damn head cold this morning.

Of course I did... I should of known that it would attack me sooner or later. I mean, nothing else was going remotely well!

What I wouldnt give right at this very minute to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers up over my head take some nightime crap and just pass the fuck out!

Oh no.. instead Im sitting here at work, freezing my ass off.. however I did take some narcotic in out of the company medicine chest and now feel like my head is floating 10 feet above my shoulders. So maybe, just maybe this day could be remotely entertaining.

That would be if I couldnt get that asshole outta my mind. I know I know I know..
why am I putting so much damn thought into him? Why is it w/him, I give a shit?
Yet w/my beneficial guy I dont put any thought into him? What the hell was/is the difference?
Please explain to me.. cuz I am driving myself fucking insane over this!!!!!!!

Stupid....Stupid....Stupid.....Stupid.... Stupid.....Stupid!!!!

Ok..I will stop I promise..

I have so much Christmas shopping to do still..I have only purchased like 3 gifts.. and I am so NOT in the holiday cheer this year.. let alone coming up w/the damn money for the holiday cheer.. oh well.. liquor always brings great holiday cheer...haha...

gonna go heat up my lunch now..

Happy Thursday.. and all that jazz!!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

One Bud Lite and a fluffy tree

Well, the day was a bit brighter as I woke this morning.
After long hours of thought last night, and a mild break down, Im feeling better.. just sleepy...

The kids and I went and got the Christmas tree.. it was very humorous Im sure if you would of seen us driving home w/a Christmas tree bungee corded to the top of my wee little
Jetta... the kids decorated the tree, as I sat and watched them drinking a nice
ice cold Bud Lite (by the way I hate Bud Lite.. but for some reason I have a 6 pack in the fridge)

At one point, we had to take a "safety" from each other.. which is our word when things get a little out of hand.. someone yells' "safety" and we all go to our respective rooms and chill for 15 min. Then come out and "communicate" about what happened and how we currently feel.

So.. the boy yelled SAFETY... and the kids went to their rooms.. and I cleaned up the dog piss.. which is why the boy yelled safety.. cuz the dog got freaked out by the tree...and pee'd in the dinning room because.. she's a stupid little black bitch..and pee'd on the fucking floor... and Mommy dearests head spun around and I lost it.. because the dog pee'd.. and the kids were arguing, and because the dog pee'd..ok.. honestly.. it was because of my actions over the weekend..
oh..hold on..I must breath and calm down...

Anyhow... things got better.. the tree is up..Im missing a huge box of decorations...
the tree topper, the tree skirt, my stocking holders.. plus the stockings... doesnt really surprise me.. nothing seems to surprise me anymore.

so.. I did some thinking last night, and while I watched the kids decorate the big fluffy, I dont like it tree.. I thought.. you know what.. it was just a "thing"
It happened.. so be it.. it was just a thing..

ok.. lets be honest here.. I had a HUGE thing for this guy.. I actually started to fall in.. oh Im not gonna say it, but the word starts w/an L.
I could of so easily, but, something went wrong, and we went our separate ways. And w/in a few weeks of he and I splitting, he was back together w/his ex and engaged to get married. It hurt, but it wasnt a painful hurt like Ive had in the past. Which makes me think that maybe just maybe I was more in love...with the thought of being in love.
Huge possibility... must think deeper on that one.

Anyhow... where was I?
wow.. Ive got issues...
so yeah.. as Weekends says... there just service dogs.. thank you so much.. I absolutely LOVE that choice of words.
and T too.. thank you both for your support.. I needed it....

Yep..Im single, and honestly for the most part Im ok with it...there are times I dont want to be single, and I honestly think it's only during the Christmas season. But then again... it would just end up costing me more..hahahaha....

Ok all.. Happy Tuesday.. Happy days.. and all that crap..
I probably should get some work done..


Monday, December 10, 2007

Im a whore :(

I have been completely slacking in my post's, things have been so damn crazy that I just havnt had time to get to the really important things in life, and that being keeping all of you updated on my poor existance of life.

So... grab your favorite beverage and here we go!

The guy that I met at the bar, whom I supposedly went to high school with.
I didnt make it to dinner with him, since I found out all that scoop on him I decided that he was gonna cook me dinner at his house (just to see if he would and how he would weasel his way out of it)
At first he was all agreable about it, then around 4:45 on that day he called and told me that he couldnt because his cat got sick all over his front room floor and he just didnt want me at his house, and he wanted to get it all cleaned up before he had me over.
I offered to bring over my steam vac and help him clean it, but that offer was shot down.. gee..I wonder why?
So... I showed up at his door anyway (dumbass gave me his apt #) know answer, knew he was there cuz his car was.
I went over to the managers and sent him a txt message and told him where I was, and that I figured he was in the shower and to let me know when he was done and that I had brought the steam vac... you will never guess what happened.!!!????
He called, said that he had an "emergancy" w/his dad and had to go take care of him.
Supposedly his dad is dying of cancer and needs alot of assistance.
I say supposedly... because my friend knows daddy-dearest... and he's in remission and is doing great!!!

Well...needless to say, by this time I was done playing - there was just to much effort being put into something that was going nowhere. So I told him that I knew everything and he needed to just come clean. He finally did, sort of... gave me a very wide version of everything.... it boiled down to him not being happy w/his current situation and I guess wanting something on the side.
Told him good luck w/that and dont call, dont txt, and if he ever saw me out and about.. pretend he didnt even know me.

I suppose I could of been a lot ruder.. but, Ive come to the realization that sometimes I spend to much energy on trying to hurt people. Why? Why do I feel the need to be so vicious?
What do I gain out of it in the end? Well beside self-satisfaction?
there is something obviously wrong with me!

On other news...
The kids are doing great. We started family counseling, it's part of the program that the boy is on. Im hoping it will help all of our issues. Cuz, come on... everyone has issues.

Oh..Im a whore..
I worked my second job all weekend, so the wee ones were w/their cousins and gone from the house. So.. Friday night my "friend" came over for dinner.. and then we um.. enjoyed each other.
Then Saturday night.. I ran into an ex... ex ex.. from like 6 yrs ago..
and well.. yeah.. I did..
Im such a whore.. what the hell is wrong with me?
It's almost like Im trying to re-establish myself.
Whats that old saying.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Which brings me to another thought..
to put it bluntly..
What..Im good enough to fuck.. but not good enough to have a relationship with?
Good lord.. now Im feeling even lower than low..
Im a dirty rotten whore. slut. easy. whatever you wanna call it.

oh well.. the anger is setting in again
I feel it seeping into my pours.
must be because of the holidays.
Im so NOT int Christmas this year... just have no desire to participate.
I havnt even decorated. No tree, no decorations. No nothing.

Whats wrong with me?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Home of the webbed feet!!!

Well, if you have been watching the weather reports on the news, some of you have seen that Western Washington has been hit w/some rather irate temper tantrums from Mother Nature.

But, alas, we are all good to go, just thought I would share a few pictures of my local vicinity that flooded.....

Aint it pretty...
then again, none of you would EVER guess what the weather is doing right now..
Come on.. guess..
first 3 guess's dont count..
OMG.. how did you know..
It's raining!!!!
Take care.. stay dry..
buh bye!!!!