Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Got a lightbulb?

I started dating someone, actually he was my FB for years.

Once all the nightmare washed away I ran into him one evening and we reaquinted ourselves.
I can honestly say it was the best sex I have had in a very long time.

So, there are a few dilemma's with this situation. Which isnt there always, I mean, when Im involved there is always some form of drama or dilemma

1) He loves me - he told me so, said he has missed me
2) I realized Im in love with him
3) He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me - I hurt him by moving on w/someone else regardless of how bad it turned out, he's hurt - Im sorry for that
4) He's moving - in about 6 months - a few hrs away

I finally told him that I need more. Want more, he's not willing to give it to me so why should I continue to become more attached and keep wanting and longing when what I want isnt going to happen?

After all the bullshit Ive put myself through these last few months, I thought there was finally a light at the end of my tunnel of hell that I created for myself. That light is slowly dimming. Its ok, I know it will become a 100 watter soon, I just gotta get a little bit closer to screw that damn thing back in.

Forgive me while I sit in the darkness for awhile. It's kind of cozy here, besides it keeps the heat out!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Just checking in...

I'm OK

Thank you for every one's concern

It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.

As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.

I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs

What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?

How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!

He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.

He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.

I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"

Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!

My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!

They are my life
My reason

I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Suicide is so final

My mind is in a fog yet the I'm riding the anger train, I think I will be riding it for a very long time.

How could he?!
Put myself through the that hell, and put my children at risk?
Who the hell does he think he is?
Is life so not worth living and so very bad that popping those pills chased w/a 1/2 gallon of your favorite beverage is worth the end result?

If I hadn't of found him, what then?
Was it truly a cry for help?
Or was it truly an end that he wished for?

What if my children had been there?

Why? Seriously why?

I'm exhausted...emotionally & mentally exhausted.
I cant take much more
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I being non-caring, cold, heartless?
Maybe...but I must be this way
I have lives depending on me

Your still alive
Now, find someone else to torment...
Leave me the fuck alone.
I'm done!