Friday, June 30, 2006

A Chair full of Bowlies

I dont have any idea how to start this blog, so many things running thru my head today, thoughts, feelings, mixed emotions I feel like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment.

Im lonely.. Im 33 fucking years old, and Im lonely. All my life consist's of, is work & home. My life revolves around my kids. It's always about them and their needs and their wants and what do I get in return for it? Nothing.. absolutely fucking nothing. and im tired.. tired of the same thing day in and day out. why cant I find someone.. or something that will occupy me.. Just ME.. not body else.. I need something for myself, everything is for someone else lately. The little master of the house or the little princess wanna be. All I know is what the fuck about me?
I sound so selfish, but is it a crime to want to be able to do for myself?

I miss having someone's arms around me, being able to cuddle up next to someone on the couch and just watch a good movie, or laying in bed in the warmth of someone else's body, feeling safe and content. I miss kissing.. I love to kiss.. I miss lips on lips, tongue to tongue, the forplay... sensuality.. all of it.... I dont want to just get laid.. to fuck to fuck.. but to belong to someone.. is that so bad?

And now for the poor me syndrome......
what is it about me that turns men off? Im not the hunchback of Notre Dam.. Im not homely, ugly, destitute or boring.. Im just me.. is it my harsh reality? Is it my attitude? The fact that Im a single mother of 2 kids? What? what in the hell is it? I am a strong women, and I wont put up w/peoples shit for long. I do hold a grudge, but.. Im loving, caring, kind and protective. Maybe it is must be me.. duh.. what was I thinking..

I hate people that are always so down and out and negative.. and guess what..Im being one of those people now... and I hate myself for that. I need to snap outta it and get my shit together and just deal.

I love my kids.. they are my life.. but they are life draining from time to time... nothing is about me anymore.. everything is about them.. and that is the way it should be.. and the way it will continue to be.. Im ok with that.. but I do need to bitch..and complain and feel sorry for me once in awhile, and that's what Im doing..

ok.. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July...


Monday, June 19, 2006

New Happenings & the demon

Some things new have happened...

We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.

Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.

Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?

No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!

I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.

Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"

Friday, June 02, 2006

Random voices within

Nothing to really report, sad isnt it?
It's funny how life throws you curve balls
what's even more amazing, is how a body knows when to duck and turn and slide to get the hell out of the way of those curve balls.

~ I really miss my dog. He was such a cool dog... we had gotten him from a friend of mine who had rescued him from an abusive home. At first, I was really concerned on how he would react to the kids and ferrett due to his mistreatment, but he turned into the biggest love bug that I had ever met in a Pit Bull. I have never been a Pit fan, due to their reputation, but one thing you have to remember is the fact that the majority of a dogs personality is in the handlers. Oscar loved to sit on my lap, sleep next to me on the bed. He was a lounger!
Im sorry my dear friend. I miss you, however Im glad you were killed instantly and felt no pain.
He looked up at me, with my hand holding his head, licked my palm and quietly went to the other side.

~ Why do we fall in love with those that can not return the love? What makes you attracted to those that are not good for you? Is it the fear of being alone? Or is it the thought that you can change someone for the better? Knowing full well that you should never try to change someone, you should accept and acknowledge that person for who they are. And yet... I continue to try to make them different? Is that fair to them? Is that fair to me? No... simply.. No... and yet I continue to do so. So how does one correct that? Im not sure.. but that brings me to another question.. what is love? Between a couple? What makes a person fall in love w/another person?
Maybe it's just me.. but when I think Im in love.. I tend to fall out rather quickly. I start to pick them apart, find everything I can that annoys me. Is this my way of ending a relationship before I end up getting hurt? Or is it because I just have no desire to really be in a relationship? Hmmm... things to ponder.

~ Am I a good mother? I love my babies with everything w/in me. I would lay my life down for them in a heartbeat. I do the most that I can do for them and give up so much of myself for them. And yet, I do yell, I do scream. Not the most pleasant mommy in the world. I rarely spank them, never slap them. I do tend to cuss.. (I know I know bad mommy!!! ) I go month's and months and months w/out new things.. just to provide for them. They are well rounded.. They are good kids (for the most part there are times when I just wanna lock myself in a room and never come out) But I look at some kids and realize that Im doing an ok job.. I could be a hell of alot worse. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how much they mean to me? Do they have any clue how their dis-respect from time to time kills me inside? It's just little things.. sometimes Im not sure if my voice is heard. I know it is... what am I asking here? yes I love my babies.. and they love me... it's tough being a single mom.. but you know.. I wouldnt change it for anything in the world. We have fun together.. somedays are trying..I wont lie.. somedays are great.. they are both coming into their own, and watching their little personalities shine thru is a wonder.
Yet is scares me.. I look at my son and realize that he currently the age I was when I walked down the wrong path in life.. It took me 7 yrs to straighten that path out. What will I do if he decides to follow my footsteps? How will I be able to save him? One day at a time.. just one day at a time. I hope I am instilling in both of my kids, the knowledge that I have gained thru out my years.

Oh there is more.. but I should really get to work now.