Thursday, December 20, 2007

East Coast Wind - freezing!!!!

Tis the season for all the weird things in life to come out of the wood.

Why is it, that the minute I start thinking of him, he rears his ugly head with in a week?

Wil has returned. Oh Im so thrilled. I dont want him in my life, I dont want him around me. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see him. I dont want him around our daughter. I cant stand him. So explain to me, why is it that he mentions why he moved out of state, was becuase of his girlfriend. That I get insanly jealous? Please someone explain to me, why my heart rate speeds up, why I can feel the blood rushing thru my veins, why I cant breath. And why oh why do I get so damn mad!????

He makes me so angry! He gets me so infuriated!
Yet.. Im jealous of him?

I know the why's..
honestly I do..
Let me explain to you the whys.. and tell me.. why?

He has freedom... he is able to come & go as he pleases. No responsibilities. No bills (well Im sure he has them he just doesnt pay them) he moves around, carefree, goes where he wants. Does what he wants, when he wants, w/whom he wants, how he wants.
No one is dependant upon him.
No one is looking to him for all the answers.
No one is making him be the adult.
No one following him around excpecting him to fix everything.

Yeah... that's why... that's exactly why. It angers me.. OH God.. does it anger me!

I have given up so much of who I am for my children. I have given up so much to put a roof over their head, food in their stomach, clothes on their back. But that's what a parent does! That's what I do.. That's who I am! A mother. Because I choose to be!

But you know what. Im loved.. and my kids in turn are loved. I would NEVER give up what I have, to have what he has, Or what he doesnt have.
He doesnt have the love of his daughter. Which I couldnt imagine not looking into her eyes everynight before bed. Not being able to hear those words out of her mouth every morning "I luv ya mom"
I imagine its a very lonely life that he lives.

I couldnt imagine not having my loves.

So why then am I angry still? Im where I want to be in life.
Im where I NEED to be in life.

Because the man I fell in love with 12 yrs ago, no longer exist's.
The man that I was suppose to live the rest of my life with... died
The man that he is today.. is a stranger.

Life has a funny way of making you wake up and realize the important things.
I have no reason to be angry. I choose not to date.
I have chosen to live my life the way I do, because I put my full attention on my children.
That's my choice. That's who I am. It's what I want. It's where I need to be!

The day will come, when he realizes how much he has lost.

So.. tell me.. why I feel so angry still????

Thursday, December 13, 2007

There's a snot monster in my nose

I woke up w/a damn head cold this morning.

Of course I did... I should of known that it would attack me sooner or later. I mean, nothing else was going remotely well!

What I wouldnt give right at this very minute to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers up over my head take some nightime crap and just pass the fuck out!

Oh no.. instead Im sitting here at work, freezing my ass off.. however I did take some narcotic in out of the company medicine chest and now feel like my head is floating 10 feet above my shoulders. So maybe, just maybe this day could be remotely entertaining.

That would be if I couldnt get that asshole outta my mind. I know I know I know..
why am I putting so much damn thought into him? Why is it w/him, I give a shit?
Yet w/my beneficial guy I dont put any thought into him? What the hell was/is the difference?
Please explain to me.. cuz I am driving myself fucking insane over this!!!!!!!

Stupid....Stupid....Stupid.....Stupid.... Stupid.....Stupid!!!!

Ok..I will stop I promise..

I have so much Christmas shopping to do still..I have only purchased like 3 gifts.. and I am so NOT in the holiday cheer this year.. let alone coming up w/the damn money for the holiday cheer.. oh well.. liquor always brings great holiday cheer...haha...

gonna go heat up my lunch now..

Happy Thursday.. and all that jazz!!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

One Bud Lite and a fluffy tree

Well, the day was a bit brighter as I woke this morning.
After long hours of thought last night, and a mild break down, Im feeling better.. just sleepy...

The kids and I went and got the Christmas tree.. it was very humorous Im sure if you would of seen us driving home w/a Christmas tree bungee corded to the top of my wee little
Jetta... the kids decorated the tree, as I sat and watched them drinking a nice
ice cold Bud Lite (by the way I hate Bud Lite.. but for some reason I have a 6 pack in the fridge)

At one point, we had to take a "safety" from each other.. which is our word when things get a little out of hand.. someone yells' "safety" and we all go to our respective rooms and chill for 15 min. Then come out and "communicate" about what happened and how we currently feel.

So.. the boy yelled SAFETY... and the kids went to their rooms.. and I cleaned up the dog piss.. which is why the boy yelled safety.. cuz the dog got freaked out by the tree...and pee'd in the dinning room because.. she's a stupid little black bitch..and pee'd on the fucking floor... and Mommy dearests head spun around and I lost it.. because the dog pee'd.. and the kids were arguing, and because the dog pee'd..ok.. honestly.. it was because of my actions over the weekend..
oh..hold on..I must breath and calm down...

Anyhow... things got better.. the tree is up..Im missing a huge box of decorations...
the tree topper, the tree skirt, my stocking holders.. plus the stockings... doesnt really surprise me.. nothing seems to surprise me anymore.

so.. I did some thinking last night, and while I watched the kids decorate the big fluffy, I dont like it tree.. I thought.. you know what.. it was just a "thing"
It happened.. so be it.. it was just a thing..

ok.. lets be honest here.. I had a HUGE thing for this guy.. I actually started to fall in.. oh Im not gonna say it, but the word starts w/an L.
I could of so easily, but, something went wrong, and we went our separate ways. And w/in a few weeks of he and I splitting, he was back together w/his ex and engaged to get married. It hurt, but it wasnt a painful hurt like Ive had in the past. Which makes me think that maybe just maybe I was more in love...with the thought of being in love.
Huge possibility... must think deeper on that one.

Anyhow... where was I?
wow.. Ive got issues...
so yeah.. as Weekends says... there just service dogs.. thank you so much.. I absolutely LOVE that choice of words.
and T too.. thank you both for your support.. I needed it....

Yep..Im single, and honestly for the most part Im ok with it...there are times I dont want to be single, and I honestly think it's only during the Christmas season. But then again... it would just end up costing me more..hahahaha....

Ok all.. Happy Tuesday.. Happy days.. and all that crap..
I probably should get some work done..


Monday, December 10, 2007

Im a whore :(

I have been completely slacking in my post's, things have been so damn crazy that I just havnt had time to get to the really important things in life, and that being keeping all of you updated on my poor existance of life.

So... grab your favorite beverage and here we go!

The guy that I met at the bar, whom I supposedly went to high school with.
I didnt make it to dinner with him, since I found out all that scoop on him I decided that he was gonna cook me dinner at his house (just to see if he would and how he would weasel his way out of it)
At first he was all agreable about it, then around 4:45 on that day he called and told me that he couldnt because his cat got sick all over his front room floor and he just didnt want me at his house, and he wanted to get it all cleaned up before he had me over.
I offered to bring over my steam vac and help him clean it, but that offer was shot down.. gee..I wonder why?
So... I showed up at his door anyway (dumbass gave me his apt #) know answer, knew he was there cuz his car was.
I went over to the managers and sent him a txt message and told him where I was, and that I figured he was in the shower and to let me know when he was done and that I had brought the steam vac... you will never guess what happened.!!!????
He called, said that he had an "emergancy" w/his dad and had to go take care of him.
Supposedly his dad is dying of cancer and needs alot of assistance.
I say supposedly... because my friend knows daddy-dearest... and he's in remission and is doing great!!!

Well...needless to say, by this time I was done playing - there was just to much effort being put into something that was going nowhere. So I told him that I knew everything and he needed to just come clean. He finally did, sort of... gave me a very wide version of everything.... it boiled down to him not being happy w/his current situation and I guess wanting something on the side.
Told him good luck w/that and dont call, dont txt, and if he ever saw me out and about.. pretend he didnt even know me.

I suppose I could of been a lot ruder.. but, Ive come to the realization that sometimes I spend to much energy on trying to hurt people. Why? Why do I feel the need to be so vicious?
What do I gain out of it in the end? Well beside self-satisfaction?
there is something obviously wrong with me!

On other news...
The kids are doing great. We started family counseling, it's part of the program that the boy is on. Im hoping it will help all of our issues. Cuz, come on... everyone has issues.

Oh..Im a whore..
I worked my second job all weekend, so the wee ones were w/their cousins and gone from the house. So.. Friday night my "friend" came over for dinner.. and then we um.. enjoyed each other.
Then Saturday night.. I ran into an ex... ex ex.. from like 6 yrs ago..
and well.. yeah.. I did..
Im such a whore.. what the hell is wrong with me?
It's almost like Im trying to re-establish myself.
Whats that old saying.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Which brings me to another thought..
to put it bluntly..
What..Im good enough to fuck.. but not good enough to have a relationship with?
Good lord.. now Im feeling even lower than low..
Im a dirty rotten whore. slut. easy. whatever you wanna call it.

oh well.. the anger is setting in again
I feel it seeping into my pours.
must be because of the holidays.
Im so NOT int Christmas this year... just have no desire to participate.
I havnt even decorated. No tree, no decorations. No nothing.

Whats wrong with me?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Home of the webbed feet!!!

Well, if you have been watching the weather reports on the news, some of you have seen that Western Washington has been hit w/some rather irate temper tantrums from Mother Nature.

But, alas, we are all good to go, just thought I would share a few pictures of my local vicinity that flooded.....

Aint it pretty...
then again, none of you would EVER guess what the weather is doing right now..
Come on.. guess..
first 3 guess's dont count..
OMG.. how did you know..
It's raining!!!!
Take care.. stay dry..
buh bye!!!!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ramblings of the Insane

Hi everyone... I apologize for not posting earlier.. but things have just been crazy & ongoing.
So.. grab your favorite beverage & a snack, sit down, put your feet up and lets talk!

Took the boy to court... and it actually wasn't all that bad. It's a 9month probation, if he gets in alot of trouble during those 9months, then it will be longer. However, the judge didn't feel that my son was over the top. So we have to go to court again in January, until then we have to attend family counseling. Now, if the counselor and I could just meet up and stop playing phone tag. Since court, the boy has been really good, although he did have a small issue at school which caused him to receive an emergency expulsion. However I ripped the principle a new ass, because Wonder Boy & another student were horse playing in the hall way and the other kid went to kick Wonder Boy, who in turn grabbed his leg, twisted and the boy went down and hit his head on the hard floor.... yes, I understand that it shouldn't of been happening, but hell boys will be boys, it was unintentional... and Wonder Boy felt so so so bad.. the kid went to the hospital to make sure he didnt have a concussion (thank god he's a sue happy world)
Well, the principle kicked Wonder Boy out before even gathering all the facts.. that ticked me off... and I said my piece.. and he was back in school after the Thanksgiving Holiday.
So.. we are off to a GREAT start!

2) I started my second job. Oh it's great to work with the public again.
God how I hate people. I thought this time of the year was suppose to bring out love, peace, and good will among people? NOT!!!
It's been a a true test of my patience... Two customers got into a fight w/each other and it took everything I had not to bitch slap them both. I just looked at them both.. said in my most chipper voice.. " tis the season to be jolly" and turned and walked away. If they wanna cat fat, go at it.. have fun.. but you being a couple of bitches will only make me NOT want to help you!
I worked 20 hrs last week... and then this week Ive only worked maybe 4... I really really need those hours.. stupid me, didnt go and figure out what I was making per hr, I swear.. if it's just minimum wage, is it worth it? If I knew how to waitress I would go get a waitress job at some bar.. but I suck at math.. soooooo... that's a no...

3) My girlfriend who is unhappily married.. finally told her husband how she feels (sadly she chose Turkey evening to do so)
not sure what's gonna come of it, but he seems to be blaming me for it. whatever.. I dont really care.. I call their house he answers and if she's not home he will tell me then hang up on me. I know he's hurting but come on.. grow the fuck up! Or am I being to harsh? Either's not my deal and Ive told her she's going about it wrong. But it's her life.. it's not my place to tell her how to live it. Right? Right!!!

4) I ran into a guy I went to high school with. I vaguely remember him. According to him I hid out in his parents boat that was in their backyard my freshman year of high school, again I barely remember this. Anyhow.. ran into him at the bar ( Im starting to think Im turning into a weekend alcoholic) we danced, we talked, we laughed, we danced, we kissed.... and OMG.. it was a kiss that was really good...
So we've been talking since then, haven't seen him, just talking, were suppose to go to dinner tonight. But Im having reservations....
I cant stand his voice.. is that superficial? Some say it is, but his voice is so.. uummm... soft.. it's almost as if he never went thru puberty. My voice is deeper than his. But he's a supper nice guy, well from what I can tell, I understand it's to early.
This brings up a whole mess of other issues.

Do I want a relationship? I have so much other shit going on in my life Im not sure if Im ready to invest in something with anyone right now.
My ex did a real number on me. It's almost as if Ive been ruined for any other man. I have become such a hard ass, cold, unemotional towards others. Verbally abusive to men. It's not really who I am, it's a defense mechanism. I honestly don't think I can put myself out there and risk my heart. If I still have a heart. I don't even know anymore.
I have become such an angry person. I don't trust men, I don't believe in what they say, don't believe anything that comes out of their mouths.
When did I become such an angry person?

5) The company is still up for sale.. Any buyers out there?
Nothing new on that front.. they have put packages together for everyone.. but not sure exactly what is what. More on that when I figure out what is going on!!

Ok.. I guess I should get back to work.. hope you enjoyed your favorite to ya'll soon.


********THIS JUST IN*********

So.. I did some investigation work.. true example of why I dont trust men.
We will call him Cowboy...
anyhow.. the apartment complex where he currently resides, is managed by a friend of a friends, so I had my friend call and see if she could get any dirt.
Well guess what!!! He's living w/his fiance.
Yep.. that's right...
He's been fucking playing me... and I dont deal well with that.
Now, this is a very fine line that Im walking, because... she shouldnt of given me any information.
So.. I cant just come right out and say anything, cuz she could loose her job.
So... I think a little evilness will need to come into play...
So.. Im gonna tell the apartment manager to say that she's friends w/me... and that she found out what he's been doing.. and tell her where we are suppose to meet for dinner tonight and have her show up.

Moral of the story.. dont fucking play me. Cuz I wont be played!!!!!
I always win!!!
Will let you all know how it turns out tomorrow...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


I need something lite and funny in life..
Nothing really lite & funny has happened lately. Which is rather sad.

Sunday evening my dear friend and I decided to go out and have a dinner and drinks ;)
I should of known that dinner and drinks would mean starting at 6ish, and ending up at the local watering hole. Little did I realize, that at 11:ish... I was toasted.. I'm really starting to sound and feel like a drunk..
The kids stayed the weekend w/their cousins, up on the hill, I say the hill, cuz they live on the side of the Capital Rain Forest and have all this acreage to run and roam and well be free, kids, playing in the creek, climbing tree's and just being.
We all needed a break from each other.

Back to Sunday evening.. I honestly didn't mean to head out and get intoxicated... I don't even remember drinking that much.. but.. I guess I did, cuz by the time she dropped me off at home, I got into bed, and the room started spinning, so I got up and made myself the ultimate drunken fair.. peanut butter & raspberry jelly...nummers!!! That settled my tummy and I passed out.

Now, a little more (from what I remember from the evening)

My dear friend is married.. very unhappily so.. but married non-the-less
She met another guy.. and has been carrying on an emotional attachment for a little over a month. Now, she wants advice or the ok to cheat on her husband.. she says she needs a "reason" to leave him...
Never mind the fact that she is extremely unhappy.. they have no communication between the two of them, he doesn't do any housework, he cant even make a fucking Dr's appt for their daughter. He works, and he figures that that's all he needs to do. He's 9 yrs younger than she is, (she's 34 he's 26) and is so damn arrogant that it drives me nuts. He and I get along to a point, until he irritates me and I tell him to shut up.. I put up w/him because of her.. I kind of half to I figure.

Anyhow.. she cant stand it when her husband touches her, kisses her, or try's to engage in sex with her. She says it makes her physically ill.
I cant help her, I have tried and tried to give her advice.. but who am I to give someone advice on their marriage.. I'm not married, I have never been married.. I guess I have always figured if your that damn unhappy then leave.. just get up and go. But cheating is not the answer. But she is hoping that this guy will be the reason for her to leave her marriage. I yelled at her Sunday night, as we were sitting in the bar... to stand on her own two feet, to stop being so damn co-dependant.. to be who she needs to be w/out someone else to drag down.

I feel for her.. but can I really condone what she wants to do?


I take the boy to court tomorrow.. we stand in front of a judge and I tell the judge what has been going on and why I want him on this program. Then on Friday we have a social worker coming to the house, to talk w/all three of us. I'm starting to wonder if Ive done the right thing. We have to go thru 8 weeks of counseling as a family, which is great but w/a social worker from the state? What does that mean? I guess I'm paranoid that at any time they could not like my parenting style and then all the sudden my kids become a ward of the state. Which over my damn dead body! I brought those happy little children into this world, only one whose gonna take them out is me!!!!
I love my kids.. but am I doing whats right?
And once he gets into this program, how the hell do I get him out of it? Damn, I guess I should of asked that question. OH Crap... I'm so damn stupid!!!!!


Company meeting today.. our division is up for sale.. there are 3 categories of what our employment could turn out to be

1) current employee... remaining an employee once we are purchased
2) current employee... remaining until after the purchasing, and then being let go
3) terminated

there are packages that come with each category...
if the severance pay is good..I'm so outta here!!!! I'm bored in my job..bored..bored...bored..
I think I'm ready to head back to school and get my nursing degree..
I mean..why not.. either that, or I'm gonna go become a cop.. at least then I could take my aggression out on some ass hole that pisses me off ;)

Ok.. well Ive had enough of this day..

I'm out of here


Friday, November 09, 2007


Ok.. just a few random things..

1) Weekends.. I tried to log into your blog, but it says that I have to be invited in?
2) I got a second job, I start Tuesday.. I will be shooting people for a living.. can u guess what I will be doing?
3) It's hotter than hades in this fucking building!!!
4) We had a potluck today at work.. and OMG.. Im so freakin full!!!
5) We had puppies Monday... only 2.. but Mamma and both puppies are healthy

Took the boy child to his appt last Friday, and he has been a SAINT this week... well as good as a the devil in a saints disguise anyway. All of his teachers have been very impressed with his positive behavior. We have court on the 15th, go in front of a judge and I get to explain to him why I feel he should be on thsi program, and then the boy has a chance to redeem himself, then the judge hands down his ruling on whether or not he is going to be on it (the counselor already said he will be)

So, if wee boy child fucks' up, he has major consequences.... such as community service hours, detention, work crew, additional essays. If he continues to screw up at school, and the school kicks him out, then he will have to attend school thru juvenile hall, in a cement room, w/a guard.. no lunch break, you eat at your desk, no outside time... 8am-4pm
Needless to say, he's been an angel!

We have a tour of the juvenile facilities on the 13th.. Im making the girl child go too, because she has been having a bit of an attitude problem lately too. That cute little girl act isnt cutting it anymore!

Mamma is D O N E!!!
Thankfully they understand that now.

Ok.. well peace everyone, the weekend is here and I think Im gonna sneek outta work early..

Friday, November 02, 2007

Insane in the Membrane

boy child update:
I left work yesterday and had an impromptu meeting w/the principle.. he wasn't able to get an officer to come to the school to talk to my child.. I know huh... what kind of police do we have??? But between the principle and myself we did find out that there is a program thru the local juvenile hall called "At risk youth" we have an appointment today at 3. My son however thinks he is being put into juvi this afternoon.. and I ain't telling him any different!!!
He was P E R F E C T last night.. OMG.. he cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, started a fire, folded the laundry.. all with out being told..

Yeah.. that's what I said, all with out being told..

As I was sitting in my chair, watching some tv.. he crawled into my lap.. told me he loves me and that he's truly sorry.. and that he will turn things around.. I looked at my child, and literally felt my heart snap in two.. but.. I had to stand strong.. be firm.. I said that words mean nothing.. actions speak louder.. to prove to me that he will change, because it's not to late.. and I have complete faith in him to do so!
So.. we shall see.. everyone cross your fingers that the young punk snaps the fuck outta whatever he's in!!!

*****subject change*****

As I was driving to work this morning, I was taken back in memory to a time long long ago.. well to a few times long long ago..
I was just barely 18... getting engaged for the first time.. to my high school sweetheart. (Yeah.. first time Ive been engaged 4x..explanation to come) we were so in love, but seriously who knows about love at 18? I remember Valentines day.. 1989 - he brings a briefcase out of his house, get's into my car and tells me to drive out to old military rd... we get there.. the moon was full and bright, the air was crisp & clean, and I swear you could hear the wolves howling in the background. He pulls out the briefcase and opens it, and puts a table cloth over the hood of the car, a candle in an old green bottle, a bottle of champagne, and two champagne glass's... as we are both leaning over the car.. he looks at me, tell's me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and asks me to be his wife... I said yes.. I'm not gonna tell you what happened after that, I'm sure ya'll can figure it out..
a few months later, he left for college in Arizona... and I freaked out... I started doing meth again, day in and day out.. it was the only way I could control my emotions.. and then.. I started seeing someone else (my son's father) when my "fiance" came home, cuz he was kicked out of school.. I ended things with him.. and he befriended my best friend at the time.... little do I know, she was madly in love with him. Her and I worked together, I remember the day that I found out they were dating... we were sitting on brk, and she was talking to me about him, but not telling me his name, just this guy this.. this guy that.. I figured it was a huge blow up between us, she broke that unspoken cardinal friendship rule, never date your BF's ex.

To make a long story short.. I got over my hatred, because seriously, what's more important.. good friends, or some guy? The best part was, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to him! I was 6 months pregnant w/my second child, and parts of his family was completely blown away that I was there.. the bride and I had great laughs at that!!!! We've lost touch over the years... but found memories are still there.

My second engagement... was just assumed... we had a child together, so we assumed that we would get married.. My son's father.. We had been together for awhile, I was 20 when I got pregnant..just barely 21 when he was born.. he was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for 5 weeks after birth.. right after he came home.. his dad left to move to another state for a job, I was suppose to follow.... after he left for unknown lands I came to the realization that I didn't love him and had no desire to leave everything and everyone I knew. So..I made the phone call that would end everything. I hate to admit it, but it wasn't a huge loss to me.. maybe to my son.. but not to me. I mean, wasn't it better for me to be happy than unhappy?

My third engagement:
Oh wow.. where to start.. Mike... I met him via my mother. He worked for her, and he and I struck up a friendship first.. nothing more.. we would talk for hours on the phone, and when we were able to get together, it was like two best friends. Then one night things took a turn of events and we found out that we were more than just friends. With in a few short months I had finally found the love of my life.
He cherished me and my son. He treated him as if he was his own. His mother even made my son a Christmas stocking. It was beautiful. I had a 1/4 marque cut diamond on my ring finger, we had the date set... we had the invitation picked out, the down on the hall, we had everything ready to go. Our Mothers got along (well for the most part..LOL) we were dress hunting..
He was a weekend warrior.. meaning, he was in the Army Guards, and he had gone away during the summer for a 2 week retreat.. when one morning I woke up.. realizing... it wasn't ment to be.

As I layed in my bed, watching the sun stream thru the window and listening the outside world waking up. I realized, I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I realized that he deserved to be happy with someone who could return that love. I realized that I couldn't go thru with a marriage. I realized that I needed to cut him free.
So I did... I walked away from him... and allowed a piece of my heart to go with him.
That broke my heart, letting Mike go.. to this day 12 yrs later I miss him and I wonder what would of happened, how would my life would of turned out. I wish I could find him. To apologize. To see him one last time and actually say goodbye. We didn't split on good terms. But who could honestly blame him. I still think of him fondly.

I had a brief interlude w/my neighbor shortly after this... a rebound thing. But.. he pulled the "I love you" right out of the gate. No sex was had between he and he was saving himself for marriage (admirable huh) I got scared and ended that really quick... which was hard too, as he lived directly across from me.. so we would see each other alot.. but.. it was for the best.

My fourth engagement:
For those of you that have been reading my blog.. you know who this is. My daughters father...
The man I fell in love with.. is NOT the man of today.. the man I fell in love with no longer exist's. Let me tell you about who he used to be.
He was funny, charismatic, intelligent, trust worthy, dependable, loving, kind, considerate, strong... he was all that I had ever wanted in a life partner. He asked me to marry him on Christmas eve.. 1995.. I said yes.. and w/in an extremely short time.. my world changed.

At first it was there were subtle hints, words that ended up having a lasting affect. Words that I didn't realize until to late were so cutting. Then the hands. At first it was just a grab of the arm to pull me to where he wanted, to do what he wanted...when he wanted, how he wanted. Then there came the sexual "guidance" I will call it. To perform how/when/where.. no was not allowed. I was segregated from friends and family. I was emotionally and mentally put down. My will was bent to his liking.

It took me 4 long years to realize the hell that i was living in. The day came when I woke up and became strong. Some of it's still to painful to re-live. To think about all that happened would bring back pain and memories that I don't wish to re-live.

The brain is a phenomenal thing, the things that are locked w/in could scare your average person. My own personal nightmare. Its almost as if part of my brain knows when to release a memory. Knows when I am strong enough to accept and handle it.

I understand why I released 2 of my engagements.. my second one.. I didn't love.. I realized that..
My fourth.. was NOT ment to be..

I think I released my first one because it dawned on me that I was to young..
But.. why did I release Mike? What truly was the issue?
I did love him. Well, I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him. I probably.. could of.. loved him more over time...

I guess all this makes me wonder.. do I know what love is?
Can I accept love when it's given to me?
What am I afraid of?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Disclaimer - bad words ahead!

Life has a way of just spiraling out of control like a roller coaster ride... there are only 3 occupants on this roller coaster... two kids in the front car.. and the haggard mother in the last car.. whom cant decide if she should lock the seat belt.. or just let the fate of the gods take it's course.
On one hand, to just sit in the seat and hold on is an option... I mean seriously, whats the worse that could happen... I fall out, and split my skull open, but hell, knowing my luck I would survive it be normal minus the bashed in skull and would have to live out my remaining days on earth looking like some Halloween project gone bad.

Or.. I could buckle up and sit tight and just let all the bullshit wash over me. But seriously, how much bullshit can one person really take? How much before a person just finally breaks down and looses control... claims sanity..or just goes ape shit on another person?

No, life isn't always so fucking dramatic. Sometimes its' all peaches & roses, sweet & nice and everything oh so very nice. But when it rains.. I'm telling ya.. it fucking pours & fucking pours and fucking pours until Katrina looks like mild bath water. Some days are worse cluster fucks than others, but I suppose you take it day by day it's bound to get better.. right? RIGHT!!!

So here's a little of what's going on:

Romance.. I thru cold water on it.. to many weird ass happenings.. and I'm not happy w/myself or my life right now, so how was I gonna even attempt to try to make someone else happy... if I'm not happy, no one else is gonna be.. so fuck it.. that's over.

the boy child: I'm gonna strangle my son... he's done nothing but fuck up.. fuck up.. fuck up.. I feel like the worse mother in the world.. I obviously don't know how to parent.. he did 2 days of ISS (in school suspension) he was back for half a day in classes.. fucked up.. and suspended from school for a day.. oh he's back in today.. and I just got yet another fucking phone call.. and he's back in the office, because he decided to body slam another student.. so.. I told the principle to contact the police and let me know when they were coming.. maybe scaring the shit outta the kid will help! Or something.. cuz if I see him right now.. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him!!!
What did I do wrong? I got him tested for ADD... Dr said he's got it.. but mildly.. so he's on meds.. but really low dosage.. the kid just wont use the lump three feet above his ass.. the brain of his isn't there to be used as a wind tunnel..
So.. I told the principle to call the local police.. maybe some scare tactics will work..cuz I don't know what else to do.. they don't hand out handbooks when you walk outta the hospital

the girl child: OMG!!! she has become so damn argumentative... she just turned 11 and thinks she is ALWAYS RIGHT.. did I say ALWAYS... she will argue about anything.. she walks into my bathroom this morning, grabs my hair brush and tells me it's hers.. uummm excuse me... I try not to argue with her.. I really really do.. I try to reason.. or.. I just tell her to knock it off, I'm the mother.. the adult.. the ONE IN CHARGE... but it's like she doesn't hear me..
I have her in counseling, we are trying to figure out what the issues are..

Work: is a never ending source of entertainment & frustration
that's about all I can say about that. Company meeting a few weeks ago it was stated that our division is up for sale.. so hopefully I will have a job once the company sells.. or I will be hitting the job seeking road.. whatever.. either way I don't care at the moment... sad huh?

OK.. I think that's about it.. for now..
I should probably get to work.. sorry I was MIA for awhile..
but hey..I'm here now :)

I'm off to coffee myself up.. that always makes me feel better..


Monday, October 15, 2007

How do the pieces fit?

How was everyone's weekend?

I decided that the the depression was no longer going to lead my life, so Saturday evening, I took my kids roller skating (for her birthday and she had 22 friends show up) and I decided I would re-live my glory years and put on a pair of skates! And I want it on record that I didnt do that bad! I mean, I did fall once all because the owner (who remembers me from 25 yrs ago when I used to live at the rink every Friday & Saturday night) made a comment to me, I turned around to acknowledge him and BAM.. down I went and now my right knee is swollen and bruised.. LOL but it was fun, other than that I skated and remembered that skating really is a work out!

My kids decided to head to their Aunt & Uncles that night, which was interesting as they havnt been to their house in months... so I ended up having the evening to myself so my good friend and I headed out. I danced, I laughed, I flirted, I got flirted with, told I was gorgeous and beautiful and HOT... that one cracked me up... but it made me realize that Im still me. Im still the same old me, no matter how old I get. Made me feel so much better! Oh..and I got carded..haha.. I guess I still look young...

After the bar, headed home and then decided to do some late night dialing.. bad bad Barney.. but it did turn out well, my beneficial friend showed up.. and we had a rather interesting conversation that I wasnt sure how to respond to.
We were standing in my kitchen... just talking, he was hungry (then again when arnt men hungry) so he was cooking himself something to eat, we were discussing all kinds of things.. from the Seahawks to relationships. He told me happy birthday, then stated that he had another 8 months to enjoy life, then he was going to start getting serious about marriage, that he made himself & his mom a promise that he would be married by the end of his 40th year.

Which brought up the conversation of what he was looking for in his life partner. As the conversation continued, him asking me my views on marriage, me asking him... he started to say something then stopped... said that he couldnt tell me whatever he was about to say..
I asked why not..
his words:
"Because someday you and I may be married and you would hold it over my head!"
Uh huh...
Then he proceeds to tell me how much he's missed me, and he's made some bad choices.
And well..then things got really good (wink wink)

The next morning..after I finally rouse him from bed.... oh yeah and the sleeping thing, OMG!!!! I have gotten so used to sleeping alone that Im not used to somone else sleeping right next to me.. and when I say right next to me I mean RIGHT next to me!!!
He had to be touching me.. dont get me wrong.. the occasional cuddle is fine.. but I do NOT like to be confined when I sleep..he had his leg over mine, his arm over me, and his head right on my pillow.. MY pillow.. King size bed people.. there is plenty of room for both of us.. get in your own damn space... I would move, he would move, I would try to move him.. he would pull me with him.. needless to say.. I didnt get much sleep.

So.. were standing in the kitchen, he's making some toast (yep.. hungry again) and he's just talking a mile a minute.. about this and that.. and so forth and so on..
when I look at him and say.. shut up... Im not a morning person.. dont talk to me until Ive had my coffee.. he knows this..
he says.. yeah.. Im talking alot.. this just means that Im really comfortable with you. Were gonna do well together.. this coming from someone I thought had an understanding of what we ment to each other.. and he kept telling me he missed me. Hey, buddy Ive been right here...
so I guess this just makes me sit back and realize that I dont know what I want..
what is it I want? Guess I better figure that out!!!

But what does any of THAT mean?
Men... they are so hard to understand... or am I putting to much thought into it?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Rain Clouds

Yesterday my baby turned 11

My baby.. is no longer a baby...
Maybe it wasnt me turning 35 that Im taking so hard, it's my baby no longer being a baby that is causing distress.

My nose is barely above water. Im slowly drowning in circumstances that Im trying to control.
Between all the bills, and everything that the kids need and my job and my family. I can barely keep my nose above water.

I feel like just curling up.. is it depression?
What I feel like doing and what Im actually going to do, are two seperate things..
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to wallow in this self pity.
It just disgust's me that Ive allowed things to get as far as they have.
But everytime I turn around someone needs something, or something needs to be fixed.
Or it's just SOMETHING!!!!

Im taking it day by day. But, Ive never dealt with depression before so this is something totally and completly new for me. It really pisses me off that Im at this stage in my life. Then again it really pisses me off that Im not at the stage that I think I should be in my life.

Oh well.. a new day, a new dawn
New things..
I just need to stay positive.. positive that all will work out, positive that everything will turn out and positive that Im healthy, my kids are healthy, my family is healthy and that ya'll are healthy too.


Friday, October 05, 2007

From Strength

In a few days I will find myself another year older.
Another year that has passed by me with out accomplishing what I wanted to set out to accomplish. Which in turn brings up the question, what did I want to accomplish by this age?

I was handed a 2 year college scholarship when I was 18. Paid in full, ready for my taking by an anonymous donor. A free ride.. and I fucked it away. I did go to college, for maybe a yr and half. But I was still in my drug induced state and I didn't maintain the grades that I should of, or followed any of the advice of my professors. I was more interested in where my next high was coming from. I wasted a huge opportunity.

I had children young, my first child was born just after I turned 21.. my second just days after my 24th. Yes, I had left the drug scene.. but I had no interest in pursuing my education. In a sense I was dead in side, I was working a job that I felt would take me all the way.

I floundered.. between being a Mother and trying to work. I didn't have a career.. I was a high school dropout, who obtained her GED, had less than 2 yrs of college under her belt, a recovering drug addict and who was stuck in a relationship that would result in me finally standing on my two feet with two young children looking solely to me for wisdom, encouragement, guidance, understanding and love.

How does a women, at such a young age, determine how to pass so many things on to her children when she cant even understand what her sole purpose is. I was a mother first. But, how could I love unconditionally when at times I hated myself? How could I pass on understanding and sympathy to my children when I was so full of hate? How can I teach my children any of the fundamentals of surviving when I wasn't even sure how to survive myself? I found myself at the age of 25, alone, raising children in a place that I had no friends, no family. No one to lean on in my own dispare. He was there, but he wasn't there, I withdrew into myself trying to find all the answers to questions I couldn't even ask myself.

I did find my own footing...after being so lost for so many years.. I finally found myself. I found out that I could stand alone, that I did know the questions but most importantly I found the answers that worked for me. I was able to listen to my inner self and judge what was right and wrong. To teach my children that it was OK to be scared. To stand up for what is right and what you believe in. To never back down and in no way were you allowed to let someone else choose for you what your path is. I found in myself the strength that I had lost.

I'm verging on my 35th birthday. I have not accomplished all that I thought I wanted to. But every day is a new dawn. Everyday I grow stronger. Everyday I teach my children a little more about strength, love, understanding, compassion, sympathy and all that is important to move forward into a unknown future.

No, I have not accomplished my dreams, but with out dreams what is the point of living? If you have achieved all your dreams, does that mean then that you are on deaths door? With out your dreams what will tomorrow bring?

My dreams are far from over. They will continue on thru my children when I finally do leave this world. But, until then I have my own dreams to complete.

My dream is to continue.
My dream is be....
My dream will not end
My dream is looking into the eyes of my children
We all have dreams..
Live them!!!!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Freedom at last!!!

Still nothing new to post..
Life is chugging along at a snails pace.
Current mood is: irritable.. restless...bitchy... I can feel it clawing at the surface, wanting freedom but I'm not allowing it to escape. It's a fine line between words that cut and fists that hurt but I'm holding my own. And I will WIN!!!

The ex is all over me like white on rice, and Ive had enough, so I did allow my venomous words attack him. When ever his life is not going well, he calls me whining about how "fucked" he is.
Like I care. He always does this while I'm at work, because he knows I will not react while I'm sitting at my desk. Well.. yesterday he caught me while a number of things were going on.
1) I'm sick.. I feel like shit, and I'm running a fever, but I cant take time off work..
2) I ache.. due to being sick
3) He is an asshat!!!

So.. I let loose, and my poor co-workers had to listen to me say things that only he should of heard such as:
"Your 37 yrs old, its time for you to put your big boy undies on and grow up. Stop harassing me and laying all the blame at my feet, I'm done.. no you may not stay with me for the next month. It's NOT an option, as I don't wish for you to step foot in MY home. Where I pay the bills, clean, sleep and eat. I have NO desire to be around you, see you, let alone talk to you. I'm D O N E!!!
You are the one who made all the decisions to raise your voice and fist's to me all those years ago, I am no longer the weak women that I once was. You want to threaten me, go right ahead... you can do it while you sit in a 10x10 cell behind locked bars.
Because as Ive said.. I'M DONE! "

I proceeded to hang up. I sat at my desk just seething.. and the room was so quiet, that I thought maybe, just maybe everyone had gotten up and left.. you could of heard a pin drop! Oh no. not that lucky, all the sudden I hear.. "Way to go" "good for you" and other words of congratulations and what nots... I guess I wanted my voice to be heard!

He called and left me a voice mail here at work last night, blaming his life and all his mistakes on me. His transgressions are all my fault. Him being a worthless piece of human flesh, my fault. Him not being able to maintain a steady job due to his lack of commitment, my fault. Him not being able to maintain a relationship between any of his kids (he's got 4 all different mothers) my fault. Yes, you guessed it... everything is my fault.
It's a tough burden to carry on ones' shoulders. The ill will of someone else, all their faults, their life being a sorry state of repair, and for the longest time his little poor me attitude used to get to me and I would carry it all around.

But I'm hear to say.. NO MORE!! I'M DONE!!! I'M FREE!!!
I will NOT be the one to carry around his guilt and his failure at being a productive member of society!

Im F R E E !!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesday nada

My last two post's have been random numbness entries..
because I have had nothing really to write about.. nothing to enlighten any of you
nothing to entertain you.. and sadly I still have nothing.

Although I do have some things on my mind.. Im not sure how to write what Im currently thinking about... how to form it all into words.. and coherant thoughts.
So.. if this post loses you. Im truly sorry.. but here goes.

Schools in, and Im busy..
with that being said.. Im also exhausted.
Where is the me time?
Ive lost me along the way.
Who am I?
What is my current goals in life?
Where is my enjoyment?
What is my enjoyment?
I just feel so lost!!!!

Life is good.. I mean I have my family & my health. I finally got all moved and me and the kids are good.
But.. who am I? Do you ever feel like you have lost a piece of you and w/out it you just cant seem to get motivated? To figure out what is missing, like it's an internal piece of your inner going ons? This piece of me that's missing, is it what keeps me going forward? Or because whatever is missing, is what is keeping me from moving forward? Because I just feel like I could curl up somewhere and just sleep.. for long long hours...days upon days..
Is it depression? And if so.. what do I have to be depressed about? I have the main concerns in life.. kids welfare, health blah blah blah...
home life.. bills.. blah blah blah.. other than that, nothing is out of sorts..
So whats my deal?
I just want to close my eyes.. and sleep..

Thought change:

An old friend of mine from days gone past contacted me. It was great to hear his voice and to catch up with him. He and I actually became friends because he married one of my good friends, but something happened, and like so many friendships.. it went wayside.. I would call.. talk to him, but she just all the sudden didnt want anything to do with me.. not sure why.. we live 6 hrs from each other, so our only communication was via phone.
Fast forward 3 yrs w/out a word from anyone, and he calls me outta the blue.. I guess they ended up divorcing (really sad, as they were a great couple) and he was headed to the Seattle area (Im outside Seattle) and wanted to meet up.
Well I wasnt in town that weekend, so we didnt get o meet up, but we have chatted on the phone and it was just great to re-connect with him. But I think I figured out what the deal was with his soon to be ex. Over the course of their relationship, he and I formed a strong bond ( I have always gotten along better w/men than woman anyway) and I did take his side in a few arguments that they had (this was back when they first got together and we all still lived in the same town) but damn it.. she was in the wrong and I did try to get her to see that.
Once I moved out of that state and headed back home.. I would call and he and I would just sit on the phone and chat and chat and chat. She was always to busy to talk to me, or wasnt home or whatever.. and her and my friendship dwindled to a nothingness existance.
But I think she may of thought that he and I ended up becoming more than friends? But how could that be possible? We never were.. I would never cross that line with a friend. NEVER....
hmmm.. it saddens me that they are no longer together, there are 3 children involved.. none together.. but he has 2 and she had 1. He did come w/his fair share of baggage into the relationship.. then again.. she had her fair share too..

Maybe it just wasnt ment to be.. the marriage for them..and our friendship too.. just makes me shake my head in many questions.. but no answers.

Thought change:

Lordy.. I dont feel well.. kind of feel like Im in some kind of fog world.

oh oh oh.. OMG.. I found a wolf spider crawling across my bathroom floor the other night.. that sucker was HUGE!!! I HATE spiders.. hate them, hate them, hate them.. this guy was so freaking big I about crawled out of my skin.. took everything I had not to scream like a little she-bitch.. cuz it was the middle of the night.. so yeah.. I had to scoop it up w/a wad of kleenex and flush him down the potty.. now my biggest fear is, it's gonna crawl back up the pipe and into my ass some night when I get up to pee.... (oh that thought had me clenching my butt cheeks together)

Ok.. well.. Im done.. there's more.. but Im sure ya'll dont have any wish to read what I have to say..
and if you made it this far.. word of advice.. dont kill spiders..
10 more come back in the dead one's place!!!


Monday, September 17, 2007

Pacific Northwest

You know you're from the Pacific Northwest When... (According To Jeff Foxworthy)

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it >is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot seethrough the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, StillRaining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them (well Im not forwarding them.. however.. I am definently from the Pacific Northwest!!!)


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Sex & Calories



With her consent
12 Calories

Without her consent
2,187 Calories


With both hands
8 Calories

With one hand
12 Calories

With your teeth
485 Calories


With an erection
6 Calories

Without an erection
3,315 Calories


12 Calories

69 lying down
78 Calories

69 standing up
812 Calories

216 Calories

Doggy Style
326 Calories

Italian chandelier
2,912 Calories


112 Calories

1,315 Calories


Lying in bed hugging
18 Calories

Getting up immediately
36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
816 Calories


If you are:

20-29 years
36 Calories

30-39 years
80 Calories

40-49 years
124 Calories

50-59 years
1,972 Calories

60-69 years
7,916 Calories

70 and over
Results are still pending


32 Calories

In a hurry
98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door
5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door
13,521 Calories

Results may vary!


Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007



You will not be forgotten
To all those who lost their lives..
To all those who risked their lives...

You will forever be with in my heart
And with in the hearts of many others.


I recieved the following via email from my mother...
I am a supporter of our soldiers.. the men & women who give up their lives daily for our Freedom...

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?

Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !!

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem" -- Ronald Reagan

I have another quote that I would like to add.......

"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Also by.. Ronald Reagan

One last thought for the day:

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out."

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: 1. Jesus Christ 2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

This & That.. TMI

Long weekends are great, the sucky part is the getting up and coming back to work piece.
But on the happy side of that, is Im off the rest of the week, heading down to Oregon to finish the meat head up, and get him to Eukunuba... cross your fingers and toes.. that this will get him the needed points, cuz Im gettin tired!!!

Other than that, my weekend consisted of nothing.. nada, zip, zilch, zero. It was freaking awesome!!!

But, alas Im tired again, is it cuz Im stuck at work?

We had some awesome thunder & lightening last night, I love love love good thunder storms.. I opened the blinds, turned off all the sound & lights and just layed in bed watching the show out the window. Beautiful!

Ok.. TMI Tuesday.. here ya go

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?
Um, dinner well, my son wanted to make dinner so I let him, he ground up some hamburger, made some mashed potatoes.. mixed them together, and threw on some shredded cheese.. yep.. I call it, Wonder Mutt suprise... it was eatable..

2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?
LOL.. I dont carry cash.. I spend it to quickly.. my last $6 was spent last night when the girl child hijacked it to pay for the ice cream truck....

3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?
I tell them to go away.. seriously.. just stop talking, turn around, and go away... not interested, Im not gonna change my mind.. so shut up..and go away.. if they still dont hear me.. I just will walk away...

4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
hmmmm...this is a hard question.. I mean.. some people just have made some really bad choices, and thought what they were doing was in their best interest, come to find out it all blew up in their face and they learned a really rough/tough life lesson and realized that it's not good to be the cheater... then again.. some have made the choice to do so, and continue doing so, something about the thrill I suppose.. but.. a leopard doesnt change his spots, he just rearranges them.. is a pretty true statement. I mean, if they have never been caught they figure they can continue to do so, and dont care about other peoples feelings, they only seem to care about their own gratification. Did I answer the question?

5. Describe your sex life in two words.
Right now, my sex life is between me and Bob.. (battery operated boyfriend)
I turn him on when I want
Off when I want
I tell him what to do, when to do it, how to do it, where to do it
As long as I want, or as quick as I want...
But.. it does get a little old after a while.. sometimes, and it's few and far between, I miss having that someone next to me in bed.. but.. then I end up fighting over blankets and pillows, and listening to someone else snore, or their feet touching me..
ok ok ok.. like I said.. it's few and far between I have those moments of missing someone...

Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?
LOL.. no.. I get sex for free..
however when I was living w/family.. my beneficial friend and I used to take turns on who was paying for the hotel room.. I used to joke with him when it was my turn to pay that I was paying for sex... and therefor, I better get my money's worth..LOL..
the answer is Yes.. I would get my money's worth...LMAO!!!!

Peace everyone!!!!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Inner Peace

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr.Phil proclaimed,
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning,
I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of White Zinfandel,
a bottle of Bailey's,
a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreos,
the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,
the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have NO idea how incredibly calm I feel.

Have a Great Weekend..


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Insane Ramblings from a blonde

My work week is taking forever to be over with, it seems that it just keeps going and going and going and going. I swear it's Friday, and yet, it's only Thursday. Will the week ever end?
Yet, I am happy at the fact it's a 3 day weekend.. and then work one day next week, and I'm off to Oregon for a few days. So that will be nice & semi-relaxing.

The big dumb meat head (the dog) is currently 22 in the Nation.. YEAH HIM..
he needs a few more points to get to the Eukunuba show in Long Beach in December.. which I have complete faith in him.. and he will pull it off, and then we are off and running...

Bailey, the meat heads sister, finally went into heat, so she was bred last night... cross your fingers and toe's that it took. I was really worried that she wouldn't be receptive of Bear's attentions (the stud we bred her to) but holy wow.. did she like him near her rear end!!! She was waggin her tail, and putting her butt in his face.. he was all happy like.. licking her, and trying to body slam her into submission... he's a .. lets get it on, head to a dark corner and go go go go..
Bailey, is more of a lady, she wanted some foreplay.. and nice and slow.. sooooo.. when Bear tried to mount.. she wasn't quit ready as it was just a little to quick for her!!! So a little AI (artificial insemination) and hopefully we will have some puppies in 9-10 weeks!!!

Went camping this last weekend... Saturday night, I was walking down some stairs thought I was on the bottom one.. and Barney went flying.. and I wasn't even drunk.. that's the worse part, I had only had 1/2 a beer.. didn't spill a drop when I fell tho!!! :)
Sprained my right ankle.. and hyper-extended my knee.. finally went to the Dr on Tuesday.. only because my ankle was the size of a watermelon. I hate the Dr.s office.. I love my Dr... just hate going to the Dr. Anyhow, just a small amount of pain, but not to bad.

School starts in a few days, I'm happy, but I'm not.. I haven't even finished all the school shopping, so I guess were headed this weekend to finish what needs to be done.. Cha-Ching.. money money money.. I better win the damn Mega-Million Lotto.. I'm not greedy... I would be more than happy with a half a million!!!

The boy is in Football, I think this will be his new calling, he's really really into it. The last few years it had been baseball, which he still enjoys, but not as much at football. They started practice this last Monday, from 1-4... he pushed himself so hard on Tuesday that he made himself puke.. the coach was so proud of him.. kept tellin him what a good job he was doing, and it's good that hes' pushing himself that hard. Gets his pads and stuff today... had to be at the school at 9.. I was worried about getting there, but he and I had a long chat and decided he could ride his bike to school.

Now.. we live maybe 2 miles from school, down a hill, across a busy intersection, and then down a busy rural road, that has a very very small bike lane.
But you know, when I was around that age, I rode my bike everywhere (granted I was also smoking pot by his age) so I guess it is time, to let him start gaining a small small piece of independence.. (insert teary eyes here) my baby is growing up!!!

The girl, she joined cheer leading thru the youth football association.. they really push those girls, they range in age from 6 to 14. They run laps around the track, then practice for 2 hrs, 3x a week. Not to mention when they have to cheer for the games. The stupid cheer uniform, a tiny little skirt, and a shirt.. cost me $150!!! Can u believe that? Absolutely asinine!!!! But, she's really enjoying it, and her attitude is really changing, it's so weird to see her maturing right before my eyes! She is a big girl for her age... she is almost 11.. stands almost 5'4, and weights, just a little to much.. were working on that.. but.. she's a very strong little girl.. like her mother, she is freakishly strong.. so they have her on the bottom of the pyramids...
Its just weird, cuz I really hated the jocks and cheerleaders when I went to school.. when I actually showed up to school..

They were all stuck up, high society, snobs.. and it bothered me how they felt they were so much better than everyone else.. and now.. 20 yrs later.. I have a son who is a jock, and a daughter who is a cheerleader.. oh my, the higher powers that be, really have a wicked sense of humor!

Well, I guess that's about it, I just rambled on. I have a few more memories that I remembered that I will be posting this weekend. They come and go, the smallest things can make me remember something that was life changing, or just a damn good time. If you made it this far, congratulations.. brownie points to you!

Have a wicked Labor Day weekend!!!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I was tagged!!!!

*What side of the heart do you draw first?
The Right side - cuz well I'm of the right mind.. right??

*Can you dive without plugging your nose?

*What color is your phone?
my home phone is black, my cell is maroon

*Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
well here's a good question.. I don't rightly know.. is this just about having sex w/them.. to communicate with verbally.. or what...

*Where are you right now?
work.. oh work work

How do you feel about carrots?
I feel that they are misunderstood.. we as a nation need to stand up and embrace our orange little friends.. there not just for rabbits anymore!!!

*How many chairs at the dining room table?
none.. I just moved, bought the table, but didnt have enough cash to buy the chairs yet.. so..we eat at the coffee table.. no family dinners for this family

*Who is the best Spice Girl?
I could really care less.. I'm not a spice girl fan.. so um.. yeah.. not gonna even attempt to figure out who is the best.

*Do you know what time it is?
Time for you to obviously buy a damn watch..

*What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
dependant upon alone or with someone.. and who that someone is..

*What's your favorite kind of gum?
the kind you chew.. as of right now, I'm an orbit girl.. although.. I love trident too... and whats ever on sale!!!!

*T or F: All is fair in love and war?
is this a trick question? I'm pleading the 5th on this.. no answer...
mainly..I don't really believe in love at this point and moment in my life.. so.. yeah... no answer

*Do you use words that you don't know the meaning to?
no.. I don't like to make myself look like a fool.. but I make up a lot of my own words... I'm cool like that..

*Do you like to sleep?
I do.. but Im not one of those that can lay in bed all day.. my eyes pop open no matter what by 7am... drives me in sane!!!!

*Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?
I know Arizona doesn't.. but I think there's one more.. I wanna say Idaho.. but I dont know if thats correct..

*Do you know the song Sugar We're Goin' Down? but.. I love both sugar and goin down.. so.. sing it baby!!!!

*Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?
is it free? cuz Im all about free...

*What's something you've always wanted?
millions.. I want to be worry free of money.. meaning.. I want a ton of money!!

*Do you wear a lot of black?
I do...

*Describe your hair.
blond, mid back.. long.. I usually pull the sides up, cuz it's really thick..and heavy.. but I refuse to cut it..cuz I dont do change well... but I look pretty damn good when I take my time to actually do my hair!!!

*Are you an adult?
That's what Im told.. but.. I try not to act old.. although some days I really feel old

*Who is/are your best friends?
Sue is my BFF... she and I have been friends since we were 5.. amazing really... but I can tell her anything w/out her judging me.. but I have a few really close friends too

*Do you have a tan?
I actually do, which is amazing, cuz I hate to tan, and Im one white bitch when I dont!!!

*Are you a television addict?
addict is a little strong, but I do love to watch some good tv!!!

*Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?
I love my mom.. I really do.. but.. that women can also drive me insane!!! there is a reason why we live on two separate Oceans.. and we meet up twice a year... but we talk weekly on the phone..

*Are you a sugar freak?
yes and no.. there are certain times of the month I go on a sugar binge.. but.. only 4 days outta the month.. LOL

*What is your favorite movie?
I dont have a fav... music.. is a mood thing, it just all depends on my mood, but there are movies that I will watch over and over.. Hope Floats is a great one.. and I liked The Notebook..then again, I enjoy the Harry Potter series too.. and Talladaga Nights.. that was funny!!!!

*What's your sign?
um.. Bill Engvall hasnt given me a sign yet..

*Where do you wish you were right now?
anywhere but where Im currently at.. most would say a nice tropical warm place.. but.. in all honesty..I wanna go to Ireland..

*Who did you copy this from? Weekends..

*How do you know them? Blogger USA!!!!

*Would you have sex with them?

Well now thats' a little personal dont ya think.. I dont think it's any of your damn business.. jealousy will get you know where!!!

*What brand of shirt are you wearing?
a blue button up cotton tank, that I stole from my sister n law about 3 yrs ago.. I hate shopping.. hate it, hate it, hate it!!! Im not normal..I know.. but it depresses me.. between the prices, and people, and rude ass sales clerks.. I just hate shopping... plus, why do they seem to think that women with a little extra.. want to wear big fucking floral prints.. umm...HELLO.. clothing industry.. those fucking flowers strategically put right where my boobs are.. ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE!!! My ta-ta's are already big enough..I dont need some fucking ficus where my nipples are.. enough said!!!

*Have you ever smoked anything?
aaahhh.. the truth question.. yes.. I used to smoke pot, daily.. multiple times a day..
I used to smoke my pot rolled in meth.. a few times a day..
I used to smoke hash too, although that shit tasted nasty.. so I didnt smoke alot.. just when it was free and available.. and I needed something..
today.. Im still addicted to nicotine.. Im getting better.. but.. Ive beat everything else.. so.. I dont think it's that bad.. I mean, it's still bad.. but Im cutting back..Im down to 4 a day.. unless Im stressed.. and well then.. we wont go there...

Oh..that's all.. Im done? I was just gettin into this..
well..Im suppose to tag someone.. but what Im gonna do.. is leave it open..
if you wanna play.. well go for it.. its great for writers block.. (hint hint April & Mr. Beetle)
if not.. hope you enjoyed and thanks for stopping by..