Monday, February 26, 2007

Big Dogs!!!

Here are pics of the big dogs..
Just random pictures..

Easter 03.. Tink wasnt happy to have to wear the bunnie ears

Pepper & Bailey..
They normally dont sit still...this was a hell of a shot to get..
Bailey (the one sitting up) she's our short bus rider..
She's not show worth cuz her mouth isnt porportioned correctly
But.. she' marches to the beat of her own drum
Pepper did some showing.. but.. she's small for an English Mastiff
so now she's a stay at home puppers

Here's the boy..
Aint he gorgeous???!!!
Gunnar.. he's a horny bastard!!!

This is Tink..
She's Gunnars Mom.. and an International Champion..
She's beautiful!!!

Here's the boy again.. He's just over 2 now..
weighs about 180-200 (depending on if there's a girl in heat)
he's not done growing yet, he will get wider.. should top out around 220

Monday Memories

Since I was overwhelmed w/work on Friday I wasnt able to post.
And since my weekend was overwhelming I wasnt able to post.

This post is a tad graphic.... Im not proud.. but.. it's the truth..why lie!?

Monday work load is overwhelming.. but screw it.. Im gonna post!!!

As ya'll know, I was quit the fucked up teenager! Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll..
it's what I did.. it's how I lived my life.. it's who I was.

When I was 15, I was dating a guy named Scott... well the time I was dating a few guys.. there was Scott, and then there was another Scott.. and there was Rick.
yes.. I was a slut.. I slept w/them all...We would drink... we would fuck.. we would pass out. ( I didnt do them all at the same time, Im not that much of a slut)

Then... I got pregnant...I had no idea who the father was, and I told each of them that I was, and that there were 2 other guys in the running for Daddy hood... .. Scott the 1st... wanted it to be his so badly!!! He had our lives planned out,
Scott the 2nd... freaked out, and ran away...
and Rick, did a little of both... he freaked out, how was he going to raise a child, he was living in a boys home, and had no home of his own. But, after the first few weeks of shock, he came around and decided it would be "cool" to have a kid. HA!!!

I was 15 for gawds sake, what in the hell did I know about being a Mother?
I was living on the streets, I was strung out, I had no job, I had no home I had nothing!!!

I like to believe that God intervened. Because, I was about 9 weeks along.. when I started cramping & bleeding. I called my Father, whom I hadnt seen or spoken to in weeks.. maybe months.. explained to him what was going on (he knew I was pregnant because my Dr had called him and told him even tho she wasnt suppose to, but she did, because even tho I was a lost fucked up teen, my Dad still loved me and would check up on me the best way he knew how)
My Dad called the paramedics and met me at the hospital.

I miscarried... and found out along the way that I had other dark, nasty issues that Im so embarrassed about that I cant even write about them. Needless to say, I was in the hospital for 4 days. Then was informed that there was such severe damage to my uterus & fellopian tubes that it was extremely unlikely that I would ever have children.

At 15, being told your never going to have children, really isnt all that earth shattering.
During those 9 weeks, I had started to get used to the idea of having a small wee one to care for.
I was starting to love what was not ment to be.
I wont say I was devestated.. I will say I was saddened.
But, in the long run, I look back and think to myself that God did intervene (or whatever higher power that exists) understood that I wasnt ready, my body wasnt ready, my mind wasnt ready.
I was in NO shape to care for another life. I couldnt even take care of myself, how was I suppose to care for another life?

Scott the 1st.. was so disappointed about the miscarriage, he tried to talk me into trying it again and having a child...
Rick.... oh my Rick... that's a whole different post.. in fact.. that will be Friday's post :)

I went home for a breif period of time after my hospital stay.. But I shortly returned to my wayward life.

I thank those higher powers that be, that I did finally get pregnant and carry to full term twice. Luckily it came later in life, I dont believe anyone is truly ready to bring a life into the world. No matter how ready you truly are, you are not prepared for anything.
My first child's birth was a nightmare.. for me, I know there are those out there that sadly had much worse births. Anytime a parent has to watch & wonder if their baby is going to live thru the night is a nightmare. My son was in the NICU unit until he was just pass 3 weeks old. But, Im happy to report he's 13 now, alive and kicking, and getting older and draggin me w/him!!!
My second pregnancy... she was happy and healthy..even tho the little bugger tried to come out at 28 weeks!!! So bed rest for me.. but.. she's 10 now.. who thinks shes 25 and knows EVERYTHING!!!!

I thank those higher powers that be, for not allowing me to carry to term when I was 15. Someone or something was looking down on me and realized that that baby wasnt ment for me.. maybe the forces took that babies soul and put it into another mother who was ready to care & love a child. ( I know kind of a weird thought process)

So.. anyhow.. yeah.. that's all I got.. I thought about it over the weekend.. and realized that It would of been the end of Feb that that child would of been born.

Ok.. that's it..

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Dog Days

Sorry, it's been awhile since I last posted..

nothing has been happening.. sad really...

but that's the truth.. I have no life..

I have a dog.. actually there are 6 total dogs..

Breed & show & raise English Mastiff's

but.. there's a 6th one.. a little black mut that my daugther rescued from an old neighbor because he was abusing it..

This little black flea (as she jumps so high up) that has captured my heart.. even tho she makes me sooooo mad!!!

A little back ground..

My daugher.. bless her wee little heart.. saw this little black puppy running up and down our street.. new it was the asshat neighbors (thanks Ozfeeme love that word) so she went to tell the neighbor his beloved puppy was out running the streets.. and he promptly told my daughter, who was 9 at the time, that he hoped the "Damn dog would get hit by a car"


Now.. mind you.. she is my daughter, and since Mommy dearest speaks her mind w/out a care in the world.. so does the daughter.. who prompltly told neighbor, he was a big mean jerk, and she was taking the puppy home to love and care for it, and she hope he got hit by a car instead!!!

In comes my wee little love, w/a wiggly puppy.. Promptly informs me that the neighbor is a big mean jerk.. and says " Mom.. we CANT give the dog back.. he will kill it!!!"

Oh lordy!! so.. enters this weeee little black dog into our big dog world!

Well... moving forward, after words w/the neighbor (thank gawd we were in the process of moving) and $300 worth of Vet bills cuz this wee little puppy whom I thought was maybe 2 months old..turned out to be almost 7 months old, had not been the vet and therefore needed shots, and worming, and fixed and and and.. that asshat said I owed him $90 cuz that's what he paid for. So I promptly handed him the Vet bill and told him that as soon as he paid me the amount of the Vet bill he could have the dog back (no... I would not of given the dog back)

He said we were even.. Your damn right Spidey!!! Were even.. Asshat!!!!

Moving forward... this dog.. is a flea.. did I mention that.. she jumps over the back of the couch, she jumps over the backs of the big dogs, she chases the big dogs, she jumps up the side of the sliding glass door.. and touches the top.. she's a damn flea!!! And she has found a permanent spot in my cold ass heart!!! Damn Flea Dog!!!

I bought new shoes.. they were the cutest pair of black pumps.. I hadnt gotten to wear them..
I left them on the floor in the bedroom.. I put the little black flea in there. cuz she cant be out when the big dogs are eating.. cuz well.. that's just bad!!!

I guess she was hungry.. SHE ATE MY BRAND NEW BLACK PUMPS!!!!

I guess she was hungry?

But.. her food was w/her.. my new black pumps must of looked more appetizing!

Damn Flea Dog!!!
She wouldnt sit still long enough for me to get her pic..
But.. here ya go.. my daughter and here were playing in the motor home.. why I dont know.. they love to play in there..
Weird kid.. and Damn Little Flea Dog!!
We named her.. Mercy May May..
dont ask me why!!!!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Oh Memories!!!

I have so many memories running through my head this morning, getting preparation of today's post. As I stood in the shower this morning thinking about days gone by, I made the decision (in a lack of caffeine induced state) to start at the beginning. Well.. today anyway, I reserve the right to change my mind. Cuz, well I can!!!!

So.. sit down, and grab a cup of coffee/tea/vodka.. whatever your little heart desires, and lets take a stroll down my memory lane.

1982 - I was 10, and thought my life was pretty secure and set in it's ways. My Mother was a god fearing, church going fanatic. I'm not talking your basic run of the mill church, I'm talking, no birthdays, no Christmas, no Easter, no Holidays. No NOTHING. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Complete with door shacking, week long gatherings, "meetings" 3x a week. I was only allowed to consort w/other JW children. I wasn't allowed to watch the smurfs, as mom said they were little blue devils (???????) I wasn't allowed to say the pledge of allegiance in school, I wasn't allowed to participate in any of the reindeer games... sorry.. had a Rudolph moment :) seriously tho, if we had a Valentines party at school, I had to go sit in the office, or Easter party, Christmas party.. whatever.. I was the only JW in the school.. which in turn, made me the FREAK!!!

My father was not a JW... he was as rough as they came, from my little girl eyes. A biker, who had some seedy friends. How my mother and him ever made it 22 yrs in marriage I will never understand, they were as opposite as night & day. I vaguely remember my dad in those early years. I knew that there was a man living in our house, who didn't have much to do with us kids, because my mom had us so brain washed. Whenever he would attempt to intervene, dear ol' Mom would step in and take charge. My brothers state that they remember alot more of dad than I do. Maybe it was because he was closer to the boys because Mom didn't become a JW until right after I was born, so my two older brothers had a relationship w/dad prior to the JW world kicking in. That, and the fact I was a girl, he had NO clue what to do with a little girl.

Dad lost his job due to down sizing w/in his company, so he took a new job, and our family decided to make a move to Aztec, New Mexico. Now, let me set a picture for you. I moved from a small city with local bus routes, walking to school, movie theaters, the hustle and bustle of city life. To a one horse town, 30 miles from the nearest mall (not that I did the mall scene often I was only 10) We moved to a house in the middle of absolutely no where, off of Old Route 99, it was a 45 min yellow limo ride to school. The sign into town said something like "Welcome to Aztec, population 600 and 6 grumpy old men" I met one of those grumpy old men, he made me cry when I was 11 from door shaking.. yeah.. what a culture shock.

My parent's marriage slowly deteriorated once we moved to Aztec, my parents arguments started getting worse and worse, and my father started drinking more and more and more, and staying out later and later and later. Mom started relying on her faith more and more and more, my brothers started becoming more resistant on going to "meetings", and if my memory serves me right, dad finally stepped in and said enough was enough, mom could take me, but the boys were allowed to live there own life's!
My oldest brother got married at 18, had his first kid at 19, second at 21.. and that's a whole different story. My other brother.. I'm not really sure what he did during those 3 yrs of living in Aztec, he was my nemesis.. and he and I didn't have alot to do w/each other.

Jump forward to when I turned 12, Dad decided he was going to have something to do with me, and since dad was an avid hunter, he decided that it was time for me to learn the rules of gun safety and to kill my first deer. I was so excited!!! I was finally going to spend time with my father, who by this time was a shadow in my life. I went thru gun safety class, passed it w/flying colors ( I could out shoot any of the guys in the class) and my first hunting trip w/my dad and my brothers and 2 other friends of my father came all to quickly... my life changed forever on that trip.

We setup camp, we ate, dad started drinking, the guys all decided to play a card game called bullshit. I got to play too.. but the one rule, was.. I actually had to say bull shit!!! me.. the good little JW girl, got to swear.. I remember I was so embarrassed. I thought that the heavens above would open up and a lightening bolt would come down and kill me on the spot. But it never happened. Towards the end of the game, I was yelling bullshit.. BULLSHIT!!!! and I think I even copped a little buzz... because I kept taking swigs off my dad's beer when he wasn't looking. AAAHHHH... my wayward days started early!!!

The next morning, we got up early and went tracking. Didn't see much, but that fateful day will be etched in my memory banks forever. The boys went in one direction, dad's friends in the other, and my father and I, were alone... Together.. just he and I. Finally, after 12 yrs on this earth, it was just me and my Daddy. What else could a girl ask for, but time with her Dad.
We tracked, we walked, we waited. We saw deer, moose, birds.. but nothing worthy of me showing to my dad that I could shoot Bambie.
What I remember most tho... is walking down that old logging road, with a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. The sun just rising over the valley, birds waking up, the grass still dewy from the fog. My father looking at me, and saying. "Barney.. your mother and I have decided we are going to separate. We no longer love each other and our lives are going in different directions, I'm moving back to Washington w/your brother B and you and your mom will follow later. But, her and I will be getting a divorce, I felt it was my responsibility to tell you"

I stopped in the middle of that road, and just stood there staring at my father.. seeing the sun rise behind him. Me, 12 yrs old, in my flannel shirt, hiking boots, a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. Thinking to myself............................................................................................................
It's about damn time!!!!

He asked what I thought, if I had any questions..
I looked at my father and told him... Good.. you two are not meant for each other.

Little did I realize that day sealed my fate. It opened up a whole new world for me. As the coming years would bring new friends, bad friends, new & bad experiences into my life.
Little did I realize it was an awakening for me. For me to spread my wings, step out from underneath my Mother's faith and to learn who I truly was.

Little did I realize, that fateful day would turn me into a drug addict!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Finger Painting

Mini Puke!!


Enough said

Im out

Friday, February 09, 2007

Friday Memories

Ive decided that every Friday I will re-live an old memory from my past.
Some may be entertaining, embarrassing.. or having you think..WTF????

So.. Here we go...

Many Many years ago.. I was a really wayward teen. I didn't know my ass from a whole in the ground.. and gawd forbid if any authority figure attempted to tell me what to do, how to do it, or where to do it.

When I was 16, I made a decision to drop out of school, and hit the streets, mind you, I had been on & off the streets since I was 13, but when I was 16, I decided I was done w/parental guidelines.
So.. bye bye to comfort, hello to sleeping in cars, missing meals, no showers, and dirty clothes. Why? All for a man. I say man, because he was 23... so..not mature himself, yet, 7 years older than I. Jim... he was my all back then, he gave me comfort when I felt I wasn't getting it from home, along w/a lifestyle that I thought I wanted to be a part of.

Jim was my everything back in those days... what ever he said to do.. is what I did. So... one sunny summery day, he and I.. S & J.. decided.. to head to Eastern WA... and live like nomads, and just be.. we had an old beater car (how that P.O.S. made it over the pass..I have no clue) we went, landed in Richland, and decided to live outta the car on the Columbia River.
Oh.. it was gorgeous, warm weather, freedom.. oh the smell of freedom!!
Little did I realize, what was to come next... ownership... oh.. the acid smell of ownership. Jim decided, he owned me.. he decided that I was his.. he was my master. I was to do what he said, when he said, how many times he said to do..whatever it was he wanted me to do.

He never laid a hand on me, he never said a cross word to me, at least, not in the beginning, he always told me I was his everything, I was his all. He would tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. However, if I was to talk to another male, things would turn ugly. What little personal possesions I had with me, would be ripped apart and destroyed. How those times broke my heart, and tear me apart. I never realized what he was doing to me, emotional abuse is the rawest. Little did I realize, he was ripping me apart from my past, so that I would forget my family that I walked away from. So that he would become my world. Little by little.. he did become my world..

Dont get me wrong, I had some great times on those river banks...S & I would drink, and dance, drink and dance. We promised each other we would always be there for each other, no matter what would happen, our friendship would last the test of time... thank the lucky stars above, our friendship has lasted, and to this day (20+yrs later we are still very close)

We met many a cool people that summer, S & I gave each other homemade tattoo's w/needles, thread, and indian ink.. we smoked to much weed.. and drank to much Nighttrain. We laughed under the pale moon light. Crazy things, we should of been children of the 60's..but... we were children of the late 80's! Jamming out to Def Leppard, Poison, Skid Row, Metallica, and whatever else our portable stereo would play for us.

Finally, I think reality started to set in w/all of us. Jim started getting mean, cross words were starting to be said. The occasional slap, to keep me in line, to show me he cared was his reasoning, and that I needed to pay attention. Then, the night came.. when finally I decided it was time to go home
But.. I never made it home, I ended up.... in Los Angeles California...
To this day, Im unsure of what he gave me to keep me asleep all that time, I remember bit's & pieces of the road trip..but not much, he wanted me to myself.. w/no one else around.
So.. he stole a car, put me into it, w/the help of another guy he met along the way. And off we went.. into the wild blue wonder.

Los Angeles... WOW!!!!
He left me alone in a hotel room.. where he got money for that.. no idea..
I had an Aunt & Uncle who lived in LA.. I called.. they picked me up.. Thank you..
they saved me.. for a brief period of time.. they saved me.
I bounced around Cali.. LA... to Torrence.. to San Fran.. Hayward.. Castro Valley..
finally home.. back to WA.. where my friends and family were..
Back to those, that loved me.. back into the arms of love.

I found salvation, in Community Youth Service (another post.. )
then.. 6 months after being home, and finding myself..
I look up from my table, and who do I see?
he's back.. I was told later, I went white, I stopped breathing, started shaking
and then passed out.. right in the middle of the yogurt shop. Cold as could be..
Gone!!! took them forever to revive me Im told.

I steared clear of Jim as much as possible, but word was out, he was looking for me.
Word was out he was a man on a mission, and that he was telling everyone he would find me
and I would be his again. That things were different, his family straightened him out (as they lived in San Diego) and that he was a new man, a better man.. and he wanted to prove it.

Seriously, at 16.. what do you believe? Who do you believe? What do you choose? Who do you choose?
I made a choice, right or wrong.. I made a choice.. finally I agreed to see him, and listen to what he had to say. The man I fell in love with once upon a time, stood in front of me, his crop of curly brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, looking at me once again.. like I was his world.. his all.. his everything... and I fell in love all over again!!!

I was off the drugs, he was off the drugs.. ahhh... but.. we still drank(some habits are hard to break..LOL).. but.. it was so much different this time.. we were fun again.. no bad words, no hits, no nothing..
everything was good.. we dated for 2 more yrs (so much happened in those 2 yrs).. then when I turned 19.. I decided.. it was time to get a life.. a home.. and he decided... he wanted to go back to drinking & druggin..

And I moved on.. turned my life around.. got off the drugs completly.. and cleaned myself up.

Ran into Jim from time to time, and everytime I did, it would break my heart a little bit each time. To see how he was deteriorating. But to see that face, his eyes, his hair, and that smile, always warmed a small piece of my heart.

He finally did one to many drugs, and OD' in 2000. When he passed, a piece of me passed with him. Because regardless for all that he and I went thru, he had a huge part to do with a piece of my life. A piece of my history that I would never change. We had our bumpy road, we fixed it, and things were so much better. I will always miss my friend.

Every Friday I will post some memory.. there is so much more to tell of Jim..
so many good times that he and I shared..
so many other times that I had w/others..
some of those days are still very blury for me, as I blocked out alot and face it
I was strung out on multiple forms of whatever to pass the time that it's really fuzzy..
Please dont judge, unless youve walked a mile in my shoes


Thursday, February 08, 2007

So it's been written....

So.. it's been written
in the chronicles of Barney that some things should be real....

The feel of hands on my body
The feel of silk against my skin
The feel of something real

The feel of a cool breeze against my flushed skin
The feel of my lovers lips across my breast
The feel of something real

To feel whole again
To feel a part of something again
To feel something real

To feel the newness
To feel the wholeness
To feel something real

So it's been written in the chronicles
but.. do the chronicles ever come to be real?

Friday, February 02, 2007