Monday, October 15, 2007

How do the pieces fit?

How was everyone's weekend?

I decided that the the depression was no longer going to lead my life, so Saturday evening, I took my kids roller skating (for her birthday and she had 22 friends show up) and I decided I would re-live my glory years and put on a pair of skates! And I want it on record that I didnt do that bad! I mean, I did fall once all because the owner (who remembers me from 25 yrs ago when I used to live at the rink every Friday & Saturday night) made a comment to me, I turned around to acknowledge him and BAM.. down I went and now my right knee is swollen and bruised.. LOL but it was fun, other than that I skated and remembered that skating really is a work out!

My kids decided to head to their Aunt & Uncles that night, which was interesting as they havnt been to their house in months... so I ended up having the evening to myself so my good friend and I headed out. I danced, I laughed, I flirted, I got flirted with, told I was gorgeous and beautiful and HOT... that one cracked me up... but it made me realize that Im still me. Im still the same old me, no matter how old I get. Made me feel so much better! Oh..and I got carded..haha.. I guess I still look young...

After the bar, headed home and then decided to do some late night dialing.. bad bad Barney.. but it did turn out well, my beneficial friend showed up.. and we had a rather interesting conversation that I wasnt sure how to respond to.
We were standing in my kitchen... just talking, he was hungry (then again when arnt men hungry) so he was cooking himself something to eat, we were discussing all kinds of things.. from the Seahawks to relationships. He told me happy birthday, then stated that he had another 8 months to enjoy life, then he was going to start getting serious about marriage, that he made himself & his mom a promise that he would be married by the end of his 40th year.

Which brought up the conversation of what he was looking for in his life partner. As the conversation continued, him asking me my views on marriage, me asking him... he started to say something then stopped... said that he couldnt tell me whatever he was about to say..
I asked why not..
his words:
"Because someday you and I may be married and you would hold it over my head!"
Uh huh...
Then he proceeds to tell me how much he's missed me, and he's made some bad choices.
And well..then things got really good (wink wink)

The next morning..after I finally rouse him from bed.... oh yeah and the sleeping thing, OMG!!!! I have gotten so used to sleeping alone that Im not used to somone else sleeping right next to me.. and when I say right next to me I mean RIGHT next to me!!!
He had to be touching me.. dont get me wrong.. the occasional cuddle is fine.. but I do NOT like to be confined when I sleep..he had his leg over mine, his arm over me, and his head right on my pillow.. MY pillow.. King size bed people.. there is plenty of room for both of us.. get in your own damn space... I would move, he would move, I would try to move him.. he would pull me with him.. needless to say.. I didnt get much sleep.

So.. were standing in the kitchen, he's making some toast (yep.. hungry again) and he's just talking a mile a minute.. about this and that.. and so forth and so on..
when I look at him and say.. shut up... Im not a morning person.. dont talk to me until Ive had my coffee.. he knows this..
he says.. yeah.. Im talking alot.. this just means that Im really comfortable with you. Were gonna do well together.. this coming from someone I thought had an understanding of what we ment to each other.. and he kept telling me he missed me. Hey, buddy Ive been right here...
so I guess this just makes me sit back and realize that I dont know what I want..
what is it I want? Guess I better figure that out!!!

But what does any of THAT mean?
Men... they are so hard to understand... or am I putting to much thought into it?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Rain Clouds

Yesterday my baby turned 11

My baby.. is no longer a baby...
Maybe it wasnt me turning 35 that Im taking so hard, it's my baby no longer being a baby that is causing distress.

My nose is barely above water. Im slowly drowning in circumstances that Im trying to control.
Between all the bills, and everything that the kids need and my job and my family. I can barely keep my nose above water.

I feel like just curling up.. is it depression?
What I feel like doing and what Im actually going to do, are two seperate things..
I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to wallow in this self pity.
It just disgust's me that Ive allowed things to get as far as they have.
But everytime I turn around someone needs something, or something needs to be fixed.
Or it's just SOMETHING!!!!

Im taking it day by day. But, Ive never dealt with depression before so this is something totally and completly new for me. It really pisses me off that Im at this stage in my life. Then again it really pisses me off that Im not at the stage that I think I should be in my life.

Oh well.. a new day, a new dawn
New things..
I just need to stay positive.. positive that all will work out, positive that everything will turn out and positive that Im healthy, my kids are healthy, my family is healthy and that ya'll are healthy too.


Friday, October 05, 2007

From Strength

In a few days I will find myself another year older.
Another year that has passed by me with out accomplishing what I wanted to set out to accomplish. Which in turn brings up the question, what did I want to accomplish by this age?

I was handed a 2 year college scholarship when I was 18. Paid in full, ready for my taking by an anonymous donor. A free ride.. and I fucked it away. I did go to college, for maybe a yr and half. But I was still in my drug induced state and I didn't maintain the grades that I should of, or followed any of the advice of my professors. I was more interested in where my next high was coming from. I wasted a huge opportunity.

I had children young, my first child was born just after I turned 21.. my second just days after my 24th. Yes, I had left the drug scene.. but I had no interest in pursuing my education. In a sense I was dead in side, I was working a job that I felt would take me all the way.

I floundered.. between being a Mother and trying to work. I didn't have a career.. I was a high school dropout, who obtained her GED, had less than 2 yrs of college under her belt, a recovering drug addict and who was stuck in a relationship that would result in me finally standing on my two feet with two young children looking solely to me for wisdom, encouragement, guidance, understanding and love.

How does a women, at such a young age, determine how to pass so many things on to her children when she cant even understand what her sole purpose is. I was a mother first. But, how could I love unconditionally when at times I hated myself? How could I pass on understanding and sympathy to my children when I was so full of hate? How can I teach my children any of the fundamentals of surviving when I wasn't even sure how to survive myself? I found myself at the age of 25, alone, raising children in a place that I had no friends, no family. No one to lean on in my own dispare. He was there, but he wasn't there, I withdrew into myself trying to find all the answers to questions I couldn't even ask myself.

I did find my own footing...after being so lost for so many years.. I finally found myself. I found out that I could stand alone, that I did know the questions but most importantly I found the answers that worked for me. I was able to listen to my inner self and judge what was right and wrong. To teach my children that it was OK to be scared. To stand up for what is right and what you believe in. To never back down and in no way were you allowed to let someone else choose for you what your path is. I found in myself the strength that I had lost.

I'm verging on my 35th birthday. I have not accomplished all that I thought I wanted to. But every day is a new dawn. Everyday I grow stronger. Everyday I teach my children a little more about strength, love, understanding, compassion, sympathy and all that is important to move forward into a unknown future.

No, I have not accomplished my dreams, but with out dreams what is the point of living? If you have achieved all your dreams, does that mean then that you are on deaths door? With out your dreams what will tomorrow bring?

My dreams are far from over. They will continue on thru my children when I finally do leave this world. But, until then I have my own dreams to complete.

My dream is to continue.
My dream is be....
My dream will not end
My dream is looking into the eyes of my children
We all have dreams..
Live them!!!!!