Lack of want

Lately it’s been abnormal to see a smile on my face, life has been so crazy busy, hectic, stressful, dull, annoying and well pissy!
That when I do actually have a smile on my face people tend to wonder what I am actually up to. I hate to sound like a broken record and I’m most positive that I’m not the only one w/in this great big world of ours that is not having a great 2009. I’m truly hoping for a bright 2010.

But lately, life has been full of one big disappointment after another.

My kid’s fathers… huge disappointments in the Daddy arena. They just can’t seem to pull their heads outta their asses to step up and do what needs to be done to take care of their half of the responsibilities. My son’s father blames it all on me.. I left him, so therefore it’s all my responsibility. My daughters father… well… I don’t even know where to begin there, so let’s just suffice it to say that it’s most important for him to either impregnate as many women as possible or smoke up his entire life.
Im telling ya, I sure do know how to pick them!

But lately… there has been very little to smile about. My kids make me smile. Even if they are teenagers, and are slowly driving me drink (kidding I don’t drink anymore than normal) I’ve been really sick… the plus side of being sick is that I’ve pretty much kicked the smoking habit. Although I’m not saying I’m a non-smoker. I’m just saying... I haven’t had one for a week now because I’ve been so sick and I do not even desire one. So that’s a plus.

I met someone who makes me smile.
It’s all about the person’s personality.

I adore his personality.
He makes me laugh
He makes me smile
He makes me feel
He makes me happy

I don’t want to feel, be happy, laugh or smile

Because when it all goes away what are you left with?

Hurt/pain/anger

I can’t go there again

The teen years can suck my dick!!!

This sucks! I can not remember a time in my life where I have ever felt like my kids have been so out of control.

The teen years. Yes.. the dreaded awful teen years!
I'm surprised the fire department hasn't appeared at my home more often with all the smoke rising from the rafters - due to my head exploding.

Where to begin?
The boy child... holy wow.. he's almost 16 -sophmore in High School - 3 months shy of driving privileges - however his attitude and grades are stopping him from ever receiving his right to drive under my roof. Yet, he continuously bugs me about letting him drive. I say "I'm sorry, you have no permit to drive"
Do you know what happens next?
That's right - I get called names. I'm the most uncool Mother in the world.
The unfairness of it all!
Im told Im unfair - Im making stupid rules - his friends are allowed to drive (oh wait THEY have permits)
Needless to say.... he hates me...
He seems to have forgotten also the fact that he lives there too - he can make any mess he wants and yet he doesnt have to clean it up. No picking up after himself - no dishes - that he can come and go as he pleases - I ask him to do something I get the response "I'll do it later" but amazingly enough Later never seems to come.. it's more along the lines of NEVER - and now he also seems to think that he doesnt have to do homework.

The girl child - I cant deal with hormonal tween girls - she's going to be 13 - in just over 2 weeks she will be 13 - I think she has been possesed w/the demon from Emily Rose... she is going to cause me to commit random acts of violence. D R A M A!
Holy shit.. Ive never seen so much drama in my life - everything is a catastraphe - everything is an emergency - everything is all about her.. right at that moment..and all moments inbetween!
Her life is her friends & her cell phone.
She seems to think it's ok to talk to me any damn way she feels is necessary to get what she wants.

Ive had enough!
Im going to loose it!
Im regaining my home!
Im regaining myself!

I have informed my children that Im not here to be their friend.
Im here to be their parent and to make sure that they make it to the age of 18 w/good solid fundementals under their belts and hopefully smart enough to make some good choices in their lives.
But - until that point moment and time.. IM IN CHARGE!
IT'S MY HOUSE!

Uggghhh...!!!
yeah...
the teen years... can suck my DICK!

bzzzzzzzzz

Sometimes life just throws you a ton of lemons, what you decide to do with those lemons is what becomes important. Ive been so pissy & unhappy lately, that I finally decided to turn those lemons into some sweet adult beverages... a little lemonade w/a splash of vodka.. num num num!!!

Things are going well, I mean I didnt win the lotto or anything and money is extremely tight at the moment. So tight that Im going to make it even more tight and put myself on one hell of a budget that will not be ignored.. time to pull myself outta this mess that Ive put myself into... wish me luck!
BUT... there are no men troubles taking place.

Im content.. for the first time in quit awhile, Im finally content.
What else can a girl ask for?
Well, except for a really good vibrator since there are no men in her life that will take that edge off.

So, other than that, I have no reason to complain.
Kids are back in school
Im still employed
I love my job once again
All's good in my corner of the world.

Let the fun times begin!!!!

Walls erected!

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself into situations that I know will cause me more harm than any good.

There is a defective part in my mind and heart that causes me to make poor decisions.

To sit back and think that people do actually change for the better.

What I need to realize and remember is that people don’t change for the better, very often. They just rearrange their spots – so that it becomes harder to identify who they once were and who they have become.

Sometimes listening to the words of someone, wanting so much to believe what is being said, but knowing deep down in your heart or hearts it’s all such crap.

Believing the words of one can make you such a fool.

I am that fool

It is for the best that I do not allow myself to be caught up

It is for the best that I allow the distance and take that stance that has kept me locked up and secure.

I can not allow myself to be caught up in the empty words & promises of someone who has lies so easily fall from their mouth.

I must remember what has happened & the pain it has caused. Regardless of the apologies and the begging of forgiveness

I can not put myself through the pain & sorrow and helplessness that caused me to travel a path that I was lucky to pull myself free from.

You can love someone with everything you have but you can not ever be with that person. There is no life together, no tomorrows, and no dreams of a future.

All I have is what I have gained through the road that I traveled, it is mine and I am a stronger person because of choices that I have made.

I had to close myself off to the promises of tomorrow. The hopes and dreams that once were in my thoughts are no more. The door was slammed shut many times over. Those hopes and dreams will not come true, not the way I once wanted them. The walls that have been erected will not come down easily if ever. This is my choice – however there are leaks and I must fortify what is seeping.

This is the choice that I make. For my own self preservation.

Right or Wrong? I do not know… but it is what gets me from day to day to concern myself with only those that matter. My kids…

They are my all... My reason for closing myself off from outside influence.

Got a lightbulb?

I started dating someone, actually he was my FB for years.

Once all the nightmare washed away I ran into him one evening and we reaquinted ourselves.
I can honestly say it was the best sex I have had in a very long time.

So, there are a few dilemma's with this situation. Which isnt there always, I mean, when Im involved there is always some form of drama or dilemma

1) He loves me - he told me so, said he has missed me
2) I realized Im in love with him
3) He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me - I hurt him by moving on w/someone else regardless of how bad it turned out, he's hurt - Im sorry for that
4) He's moving - in about 6 months - a few hrs away

I finally told him that I need more. Want more, he's not willing to give it to me so why should I continue to become more attached and keep wanting and longing when what I want isnt going to happen?


After all the bullshit Ive put myself through these last few months, I thought there was finally a light at the end of my tunnel of hell that I created for myself. That light is slowly dimming. Its ok, I know it will become a 100 watter soon, I just gotta get a little bit closer to screw that damn thing back in.

Forgive me while I sit in the darkness for awhile. It's kind of cozy here, besides it keeps the heat out!

Just checking in...

I'm OK

Thank you for every one's concern

It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.

As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.

I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs

What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?

How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!

He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.

He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.

I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"

Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!

My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!

They are my life
My reason

I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!

Suicide is so final

My mind is in a fog yet the I'm riding the anger train, I think I will be riding it for a very long time.

How could he?!
Put myself through the that hell, and put my children at risk?
Who the hell does he think he is?
Is life so not worth living and so very bad that popping those pills chased w/a 1/2 gallon of your favorite beverage is worth the end result?

If I hadn't of found him, what then?
Was it truly a cry for help?
Or was it truly an end that he wished for?

What if my children had been there?

Why? Seriously why?

I'm exhausted...emotionally & mentally exhausted.
I cant take much more
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I being non-caring, cold, heartless?
Maybe...but I must be this way
I have lives depending on me

Your still alive
Now, find someone else to torment...
Leave me the fuck alone.
I'm done!