Thursday, February 26, 2009

Axes to Axes... somethings gotta give

I am almost afraid to write this post. I'm afraid that by putting this into words, something awful will happen and all that I have to say will come not true. Is that possible? Is Karma such a bitch that she may just turn it all around on me?

Well here it is anyway.

This last week has been pure heaven.
There have been no arguments in my home.
My children are getting along with everyone
They are doing their chores WITHOUT being asked
They are doing their homework WITHOUT being asked
They are actually a joy to be around.
They are even getting along with "him"
He is getting along with them

Oh and "him"
I don't know how to explain it.. but things are good there
not perfect, but honestly is there such thing as perfection in a relationship?
I don't believe so, right now the only huge issue is the economy and the fact that he's out of work.
Yeah, that's putting a huge strain on us.. but.. damn he's keeping everything at home in total order.. doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting, applying for jobs all day, cooking dinner... hell.. he makes a better house bitch than I EVER would.. sorry..don't tell him I said that.. :)

Did the earth tip on it's axes?
Is Karma playing a cruel joke on me?
Global warming kick into overdrive and started melting everyone's ice around their hearts?

Whatever it is.. can it please last..
for another 6 yrs at least?
I'm not asking for much.. just 6 more years... OK OK... 10.. then they will both be in their 20's.. and someone else's' problem....


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tidal waves

I have always been in control of my feelings, how I feel about people, about situations that surround me. I never second guess my decisions I always put great thought into what I'm going to do, why I'm going to do it. If I should go to this place or that place with these people or those people.

Yet, here I sit... with so much inner turmoil rolling around inside of me. I can feel the confusion swirling like a great tidal wave ready to crash upon unsuspecting organs. Which in turn will ware down the body and I will go into full blow illness. I need to control my tidal wave but I don't know how. Between the bleakness, confusion, uncertainty & anger I feel that at any point I will snap.

Did I make the right decision by allowing the past to move in? Or was I just caught up in what was and didn't put any thought into the now and the what will be.

I miss him... I never realized how much I would miss him. The scent of his skin, the feel of his arms, the sound of his voice.
My heart actually aches to think of him in the arms of someone else, and yet it is I who turned him away. Because I thought there never would be a time when there would be anything more than what was....and now? I don't want what is... I want what was.

I never fully allowed myself to feel for him. I never allowed myself to think of him as more than just the "friends" that we were. For 6 years we have been nothing more than just "friends" I knew that he would never give to me what I ultimately wanted. Yet, here I am... living with the past and missing the present.

All the lost chances, the quiet moments where things were never spoken. No confessions, no wants, no desires. Just laying there in the after glow thoughts and feelings running through the mind. Little things done that would make me think that maybe... but then it was gone.
Now... Now I sit and think to myself, why? Why didn't I push further? Question more? Demand more? Ask the questions.
He made me feel beautiful, wanted, desired.... made me feel like a women should feel.

Things were said, little actions were taken... I played it to "cool"... kept it all so close to my heart never allowing truths to be told.
Have I lost?

The confusion just keeps swirling and swirling around inside me.
At some point I need to make a decision for myself.
But, what is that decision?
Either way someone will get hurt. Someone will loose, and it's all in my hands.
Or is it? Am I putting something into that 6 yrs that really isn't there?

If I end what is now.... can he promise me forever?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

House full of flu victims

The flu is running rampant through my house

He has it...
The girl child has it....
The boy child is starting to show signs of it....

I refuse to get it!!!!!

Wish me luck

Friday, February 06, 2009

Nosy Nelly

I'm nosy, so nosy in fact that when I'm driving at night and I see homes with lights on in their windows and the TVs are on, I want to pull over and peek through their windows. Not to scope out their homes, but I just want to see how others conduct themselves. How do they live?

Do they curl up on their couches w/a blankie and a drink and watch TV? While their children snuggle in with them and have some cuddle time?
Are the parents in one room while the kids are somewhere else?
Are they living life like Leave it to Beaver? The youngest laying on the floor coloring while the parents drink their coffee from their matching recliners?

What is actually going on in those homes?
Is it complete chaos? Is dad sitting there while mom is up cornering children, dealing w/homework, doing laundry, cleanup up the dinner dishes, getting kids' baths done.. all the while dad is yelling for some quiet...
Is it a home of a single parent?

Inquiring minds want to know.. I want to know.. because I'm nosy.. I want to know how others live.. how they cope, how they survive... are they like me? (God I hope not this world would be doomed)

New thought:
I hate large groups of people..they can royally piss me off, however I love to go to the mall on Saturday afternoons, grab my favorite cup of coffee and have a seat and watch people. Think to myself, how could that person actually think they look good? Seriously, that's a bad hair cut!

So on and so on and so on... watching peoples reactions to situations, wondering what possessed them to put those clothes together, or wear their makeup like that, or get their hair cut like that... what made them decide to get up that morning and do what they do... ( I realize others probably look at me and think the same thing.. but I'm perfectly sane thank you)

So anyhow... I installed some map locator on my blog... cuz I'm nosy....
it shows that I have had allot of visits between Oct 14 2008 & Feb 4 2009

USA - 354
Brazil - 71
Canada - 24
Australia - 12
United Kingdom - 6
France - 2
Belgium - 2
Mexico - 2
Argentina - 2
Germany - 1
Austria - 1
South Africa - 1
Malaysia - 1
Netherlands - 1
Ireland - 1
El Salvador - 1
Philippines - 1
Puerto Rico - 1
Bahamas - 1
Senegal - 1
Portugal - 1
India - 1

I'm sure all the single visits were done in error... but hey.. I never realized my sad little blog got that far.. so does this mean I get around? LOL....

so yes..I'm nosy.. so feel free to share anything that you may feel I would benefit from. Cuz well I'm nosy. And my life has been such a hellish ride that I need something that is totally and completely idiotic right now.

Welcome all of you, and those that have stopped by in error... grab a seat, your favorite beverage, sometimes the communications on this blog will make you laugh, or just shake your head, if that's the case feel free to hit that X in the top right corner.

Peace lovies!!!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The walls of hell are HOT!

Well, I took back my house.. and had a week of purgatory.. I can honestly say that when I die and go to hell... I will feel like I'm on a paradise island.. because nothing can compare to the over reactions of a 12 yr old hormonal preteen girl......
I'm tired... oh lord help me, I'm exhausted.

But I'm happy to say the last few days have been easy. Sure there have been a few small bumps a few raised voices but all in all things have turned around and the spawn of satan has been kicked to the curb.

I just wish she would take lessons from her brother who is just happy there is another male in the house and he's no longer out numbered! My new man and the boy child get along as well as can be expected. They joke around together, they wrestle, they talk, they watch discovery channel together. I was afraid that the boy child would feel threatened but he seems to be taking it all really well.

Me on the other hand, Im still trying to decide if Im relationship material. It's a learning experience for me that's for sure. It's alot of work to live with someone, I had forgotten how much work it was. Compromise, communication, remembering someone else's feelings.

All will work out Im sure. He's having a hard time finding employment right now, and his cash flow is starting to run out and Im afraid some kind of depression is going to kick in. Then what? I cant deal with that. He started getting all teary eyed the other day cuz he was having difficulty finding employment... my response to him was to suck it up, were in the middle of a damn recession!
Rude huh?
Im a bitch...
Im not good with others feelings....
Im not good relationship material......

Oh well!
That is me. deal!