Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hazy Memories

I woke up this morning in a foggy haze, I dreamt last night, which isn't all that interesting usually but I dreamt of days gone bye, and long ago times.

When my only worries were the simple things in life. Where my next fix was coming from. Who was I going to get to buy that bottle of 20/20 for me. Where was I going to lay my head down that night.

I dreamt of walking thru a train tunnel, walking from the sunshine into complete darkness.
I dreamt of walking along the train edge. Only it wasn't a dream. It was real. I was there. And I lived it.

It was 1989 - the year the big San Francisco earthquake happened. My mom was living in San Fran at the time. I remember walking that train tunnel, hearing the train whistle coming. And thinking to myself.... maybe the train will just take me... maybe the train will smash me into little pieces and I wont have to feel anymore.

But, I wasn't that lucky.. or maybe I was that lucky...
Jim grabbed me as that train came barrelling down upon us.. he grabbed my hand and yanked me back out of the way. He smashed me up against a wall and covered me with his body. I felt the air fly by me. All I needed to do was reach out my hand and I could of touched that train. I remember thinking to myself how that train was a force to be reckoned with. I remember thinking... there goes my chance.

But what was my chance that I was thinking about? I had a death wish that year. I tried so many times to just walk into a train, walk into a lake fully clothed hoping that the weight of my clothing would drag me down. In taking so many chemicals into my body hoping that I would go to sleep and never wake up. But amazingly enough.. nothing I did to my body or attempted to do ever did the trick. I'm assuming it's because of those higher powers that be. Someone was watching out for me. Someone wanted me alive. But Why?

After the train incident, I graced my Father with my presence. I returned home, flying higher than I had ever been flying before. I think my father was both relieved to see me still alive, and disgusted that I was who I was. I remember it was a sunny day, the birds were singing, dogs were running and playing.. life for most was normal.

The earthquake happened. No one was home when I found out. In my drug induced state I wasn't really sure what took place. My neighbor came over to see how I was, he knew that my Mother resided there. I remember just looking at him, not comprehending what he was talking about. He turned on the television.. as I watched in horror the mass destruction that had or was taking place. Still so much of it is hazy in my memory. So much of what happened is just like a faint memory.

I remember it started out innocently.. him comforting me, I kept trying to call my Mother. I was shaking... he was trying to calm me. Rubbing my back, trying to hug me as we were sitting side by side on the couch, looking at troubling images flash on the screen. Then, he started kissing my neck. I still didn't realize what was taking place. I was in a haze - drug induced haze.

His hands were everywhere it seemed. He pushed me onto my back. He tried to take liberties that I was NOT willing to allow. I remember his hand sneaking up my shirt, his other hand rubbing down my side to my thigh and inching it's way to other areas. As if in a dream sequence, I turned my head, and I recall telling him. If he didn't remove his hands and himself, I would kill him.

There was a heated argument between he and I... I remember the agitation.. I remember my heart rate speeding up. I remember opening the front door, and demanding for him to leave. I remember telling him to never look my way again and to never utter another word to me.

I woke up this morning in a haze.
I still feel like I'm in a haze.
That dream was so life like, so real.
Then again, it was a dream.. it was real...
My mother was fine.. thank God...
She was there, but here apartment wasn't demolished and her and her roommate
lived to talk about it. It actually took 3 days to get ahold of her.

A very long 3 days!

Did I relive it?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Moving on

It may be time to shut down my blog....

I dont think there's anyone out here anymore..

No one is reading it.. and if you are, then your just lurking in the backgrounds..

Writing is a great release for me, Im not articulate, I dont write like the great novelist's of our century. But I do what I gotta do, to make myself feel better.

Yet, it would be nice to know that someone out there is reading me.

People need validation, and right now.. Im not getting any!

Ok..Im a needy bitch I'll admit it.

So.. if your lurking out there, reading this, just passing thru.

Let me know..

Even if it is just to drop a
"your a dumb ass" in my comments..
that works for me

Friday, September 19, 2008

Rainy Days

Upon my self-discovery tour, I realized I still have to stop and occasionally smell the flowers. Well in this part of the country, since the flowers are starting to wilt and die, I suppose I have to stop and smell, the rain.. assuming it ever shows again. We've had a rather dry spell lately, and I honestly miss the rain. How can one miss the rain? It's wet, and causes the roads to slick, and leave prints on the carpet and the paws from the doggies are muddy and then they leave muddy prints all over the carpet, not to mention my bed as they seem to think that my bed - since it's the biggest soft cushion in the house - is for them....rotten mongrels.

anyhow.. so, yeah I miss the rain. Nothing is better than sitting on my covered back porch, in the mornings, sipping a nice cup of coffee, with my morning paper or a good book, curled up in a blankie.. listening to the rain... as long as the wind isn't whipping, cuz if the wind is whipping about then well I'll get wet and well I don't want to get wet cuz then I would get cold and worse of all my coffee would get cold and that's just not acceptable.

Anyhow.. where was I.. ooohhh taking time out to enjoy things. Like that walk around the lake w/dogs & kids in tow. Sitting on a park bench in front of the fountains downtown watching the wee children of the community playing. Watching an eagle soar thru the sky. Whatever the case is, taking time out of your busy life to enjoy the small things. I never do that. It brings about a bit of peace, tranquility if you will. Life is so busy and non-stop that if you don't stop and look around you, your going to miss something.

Ive been trying to take the time out each week to do something. To take that extra 1/2 hr and just relax, appreciate, digest, whatever... it's important. I don't know if it actually brings a center of balance or whatever you want to call it. But for me. It helps. I'm always go go go go that I never stop and breath.

I get so worked up with the go go go that I tend to be on edge, not ok.. Ive had a hell of a road re-discovering who I am over the last few years.. the last few weeks have been even more of an eye opener for me. So many realizations of who I really am.. and how I really think. It's been mind opening.. and in some case's embarrassing and in other case's totally disgusting.

I had someone recently ask me to describe myself. I couldn't. How pathetic is that? I can physically describe me.. but to describe what I'm truly like, my thoughts, plans, outlook, who I perceive myself to be... I don't rightly know. Who I thought I was.. yeah.. but who I am upon this discovery road. I don't know.

So.. I asked a good friend of mine & co-worker to describe me. Normally, he has no problems with coming up with something. But he knows that I'm on this re-discovery. So he's going to think on it over the weekend. He says some of it I may not like, some of it may embarrass me, some of it I may argue about. But it will be a true & accurate out look.

Once I receive it.. I'll post it.. well maybe only the parts I like..

Anyhow.. other news:

Ive decided I'm never going to read our local paper again.
I know to many people in this sess pool that I call home.
This week alone, there have been 3 people that I personally know in the paper...
My son's uncle, from his dad's side of the family, he's a loser - meth addict.. got busted for pointing a laser pen at a State Patrol Plane that was in the air..
Then..a kid I used to watch, like 13 yrs ago, just registered as a Level 3 sex offender!!!
Todays paper... an ex friend of mine, had 31 animals seized from her home this week, and is facing animal & child neglect charges.

What a roller coaster week!!! Wow..
I need a new start..
Hmm.. maybe I'll move to Ireland, yeah, I don't know anyone there and I hear it's beautiful country

Peace & have a great weekend!!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

WW #21

WW #21

1.) If you caught your partner viewing porn online and masturbating, how would you react?
I have caught my partner doing this, at the time it royally pissed me off, mainly because he and I were having problems, and to me it felt like a form of betrayal. Now, I look back and realized I may of over-reacted a bit.. I have no issues with porn, but when your down and out and not feeling good about yourself and he's sneaking behind your back to look at it, it's wrong. If he would of just been open and honest.. things would of been different

2.) If you caught your partner participating in a sex chat room online, how would you react?
hmmm... again, it's all about honesty.. sneaking is cheating in my book.. as long as their is open communication, I would be cool with it.. hell I may even participate..LOL

3.) Did your parents know when you became sexually active? yes, my father knew
How did they find out? my probation office called him and informed him, and daddy dearest marched me down to the dr and put me on birth control..

4.) How open were/are your parents about sex?
Oh lord.. I will never forget when I asked my Mother about birds & the bee's.. her response was....
The bird is the female, the bee is the male... the bird - or Mommy.. stays home to take care of the home and the bee - the Daddy - goes to work to provide for the family. shit.. that was her story.. so, I had my first lesson in 4th grade, by a boy I went to school with, who was WAY more experienced than any 4th grader should of been..

5.) When was the last time you had a splinter?
hmmmm.. oooh.. last week

What part of your body was it stuck in? it was on my little toe.. that's what I get for walking around barefoot...

6.) If you could only bring back ONE extinct animal, what would it be and why?
First of all, I never realized there were so many on the endagered species list.
How do you choose just one? Seriously, I think some of them need to be gone, and they were probably ment to be gone.. but on the other hand, they have a purpose, and a reason to be here.. for the good of all..right? Then again.. some of those little critters are NASTY!!!

I guess Im saddened to see that the Polar Bear is running the distinct possibility of becoming extinct. All because of Global Warming.. or whatever.. so I guess as of right now, I would say that I would want to stop this from happening.. but, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Winter Cleansing

For years, I have kept believing I needed to try to be better than others. I kept trying to make myself appear better than others. In reality, I'm no better than anyone... I never seriously thought that I was better than anyone, but I did think I am better than some.. yet.. that's what I finally realized one night, I sat in my living room, in the middle of the night, depression hanging over my head, I was forcing it back, not allowing it to seep into me.. it hung over my head like a demon cloud, I could feel it's cold fingers trying to grab at my soul, trying to gain entry into me. Trying to wrap itself around me. Whispering to me to let it in, to allow the self-doubt, the worry, the coldness, the dampness to take root & to grow. To fester.
The battling of wills...

Which "will" is stronger.. the will to fight & to survive?
The will to just allow the demon to take root. To fester... to grow... to destroy all that Ive worked so long and hard to gain?

I worry... continuously..
I worry about what others see, what others think: About me.
How do they see me? Do they see me as successful? Do they see me and say, I want what she has. I want to be her. I want her accomplishments. Her dreams.
Ridiculous I know. Because, I have nothing. Because to me, having that house, that nice car.. those are accomplishments. Those prove who you are. Those prove you have everything.
In reality.. those things are nothing.
and yet....
You don't define a person by the car they drive. You don't define a person by the house they live in.
So why did my thought process go that way?
I can blame society, the movies.
I can blame my father.
I can blame my friends.
But honestly the only person I can blame is myself. I allowed others to form my opinions.
I allowed others to dictate to me what I had to have in life to prove who I am.

I live in an apartment. I drive an old jetta.
What does that make me?

I don't have the best clothes. I shop at Walmart
My children don't wear name brand items.
We don't have all the fancy gadgets.

All at once, the light seeped thru...
The realization that, there is so much more to life, than the house you live in..
the car you drive... and what the important things are...

What I have, is more precious than all of that..
What "we" have...
is a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs
clothes on our backs
shoes on our feet
beds w/warm blankets to sleep in
hot showers
a car to drive
dogs to love
Most importantly...
we have each other

Does it matter that others see me and think... wow.. she doesn't have anything.
She's a loser
She cant buy her kids all these "things"

But.. I realized, sitting in my front room, in the middle of the night
listening to the silence & the whispering...
I have something so many do not have...


Four letter word.. with such a huge definition

I have love in my home...
I have laughter in my home...
I have happiness in my home....
I have.. what so many people want....
I was just to caught up to realize it...
yes.. we fight..
yes...we argue...
but, it comes back to love & to laughter..

I would be nobody.. and I would have nothing..
if it wasn't for the love of my children....

I pushed that demon of depression, away and out..
I sat in silence..
I listened....
to the peace.. the quiet.. the serenity...
And I realized.. I have everything I need.. right there.. within my walls...
with in my shelter..
I don't "need" anything..

I have:

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Realizations Part 1

Do you ever sit back, look around at what you have and think to yourself, it's just not good enough?

I was cleaning over the weekend, decided to do some much needed deep cleaning. I sat down, and realized, damn I have a lot of shit. How can one person, who has no money to buy frivolous stuff, have so much frivolous stuff?

Then I realized that part of my unhappiness, is because of how I perceive myself. I'm so busy trying to keep up with the Jone's that I didn't realize I was making myself so miserable in the process. Ok... So, my couch & chair arnt from Macy's. My t.v. is a hand me down, my kitchen table is a hand me down. My entertainment center is a hand me down. Ok Ok.. the majority of my stuff is a hand me down. But you know what.. oh well.. does it truly matter?

Being raised as a Jehovah's Witness, one was taught not to worry about materialistic things. Yet, as the years went by, and I left the JW world.. I totally became the person I most detested. Materialistic.

Never happy with what I have, always wanting what I cant have. Never content with the few items I did have, wanting the bigger, better more expensive item. Why?
I thought long and hard about this all weekend... and the realizations I came up with, did not sit well with me. I dug into me... who I am... and some of the answer's that I came up with, flabbergast me... terrify me.... bewilder me... make me sit back and go OMG.. that's who I am?

So.. over the next few weeks.. I will be digging deeper into my sub-conscious thoughts.. Those thoughts that I push at bay because I refuse to really hear them. Think about them... accept them.. These are the thoughts that make me who I truly am.

I never realized how out of control I am... I never realized that I'm just a shell walking around, performing how I think I should be performing, and yet, I'm not a good person.

How do I become the person that I need to be?
I will figure it out.. sit back, grab some coffee,tea, Diet Coke (Weekends) and well, this may get boring.. but hey... I need to do this for me!