Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sad but True

I'm still in love with him... Him...the one who has been resurrected..... is it because that first true love never really goes away?
Is it because he is telling me all that I want to hear?
Is it because it's just something that has presented itself to me out of the blue and seems like it would be fun to re-acquaint myself with?
Or is it because I'm stupid and in denial?

At times he sounds like a well written Hallmark card... telling me that he has missed me like the deserts miss the rain.. that his soul cry's out for my touch, his soul longs for the touch of mine, his heart longs for the passion of my kiss & the twinkle in his eyes are as bright as the sun... he loves me.. that he's never stopped loving me, I have been in his thoughts every day for 15 yrs...little things remind him of me daily.. and so on and so forth.
I'm falling for him all over again, because Ive always longed to hear someone speak to me like that? Because I have always wanted to be truly romanced or am I falling for him because it's an old/familiar?

He's there..
I'm here..
we have not been in each others' presence.. we have not looked into each others eyes.. we have spoken on the phone.. we have emailed.. we have text.. but, can one truly care that much after so many years.. can two people commit to each other based entirely off of words that have been written, spoken to one another over a phone wire and yet not face to face?

Monday, November 10, 2008

You have mail!......

I recieved an email last week from the dead. I was suprised to say the least, as I was unaware that hell had email service. Let alone that it would pass thru the other realms to actually show in my Myspace inbox. But I suppose I shouldnt of been surprised, I mean, the devil has ways of bringing back old memories, long forgotten and buried deep.

He's been dead for 14 years... I put him to rest once.. to find out he's still alive. Granted, someone told me he was still alive. But I kept him dead in my mind. It was easier to let him lay there. Dormant in my memories, to never resurface, never to bring back all those long forgotten days & nights.

I spoke to the dead last night.
I dreamt of the dead last night.
Long forgotten memories surfaced, clouded my memory.
Feelings left dormant brought to boiling now.

It's hard to forget your first.
Your first kiss
Your first experience
Your first love

How do I put him back where he belongs? Gone.. Forever?
I cut ties with that life. It no longer exist's.
Yet, I miss him....
It's been 20 years....
It's been 15 since I held him last.
Kissed those lips
Heared him say he Loved Me

How can it be, hearing a voice can bring back so many painful memories?
And yet, they arnt so painful.
Not painful to bring about hate
But painful to the point of making one's heart hurt, from the sheer force of the love that once was.
The love that is no more.. will never be more...
He was gone... never to be again.

To hear a voice over a phone wire... to talk to him and hear him say he has very fond memories
of the 3 yrs we spent together, to hear him speak as if it ment something.
To hear the sarrow in his voice now, about wasted time gone bye.
To hear that, brought about memories, feelings and a complete sense of unease to my soul.

I need him to be dead to me again.
How do I bury him again within my heart?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

HNT & other Bullshit

I normally don't play HNT.. mainly because I just don't feel good enough about myself to do so.. but today I figured fuck it..why not.. seriously why not? so..yeah.. it's not much..but it's something..

Life is not going according to plan at the moment.. nothing seems to be panning out the way I was intending it to. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better, it will turn around. Ive been thru much worse and all will be ok.

My son got into a bit of trouble at school the other day. He got so pissed at some little shit at school that my son almost beat his ass, but at the last minute he changed his mind and took his anger out on a glass door.. which shattered.. lovely!

Once I found out what the complete circumstances were, I clld the principal and had a nice little chat with her... here's the breakdown

This little prick at school has been giving my son grief for a few weeks.. I was unaware of this, the kid has been calling my son a fag and gay wad, telling other kids in the P.E. class not to bend over or Monkey Boy (my son) was gonna fuck them in their asses. Now, my son isn't gay..but if he was I would love him regardless... Monkey Boy had had enough.. said some things to this little prick, who in turn ripped off my son's hat, shoved it down his pants rubbed it all over his junk and then smacked my son in the face with it saying.. that's as close to my ball's as you will ever get!

Monkey boy was gonna kick his ass, but decided against it because this other kid is an exchange student from Honduras and Monkey Boy just felt that it would end up turning into a race issue.

I clld the principal and basically told her that Monkey Boy was provoked & that Prick kid was sexually harassing & bullying my son! I would not tolerate it, and if this wasn't dealt with in a timely matter I would take it straight to the Superintendent along w/my lawyer! Lord was I H.O.T!

Monkey Boy begged me and begged me not to march into the school and slam that little Prick up against a wall! As I told the principal, regardless of the sexual orientation of someone, NO ONE should be subjected to that type of behaviour. I was most impressed, after speaking with her, there was resolution w/in 2 hrs... We are not being held liable for the damaged door. The other child has been severally punished.. and that little Prick had the nerve to ask Monkey Boy why he told! He was just "funning" and trying to fit... MB told him that he needed to stop being a prick and to act his age!

Anyhow... Booga Butt.. is hormonal.. OMG.. there I days I cant stand to be around her, and then there are days that she is the sweetest, kindest, most caring child..but sadly most days, I just look at her and wonder what did I do to deserve this type of torture. She did however take first place in her cheer competition.. well her squad anyhow.. that was awesome!!

I have been overly emotional lately... watching President Elect Obama be elected was something. Words cant describe how much joy filled me... and then wondering, I bet a ton of past presidents are rolling over in their graves at the fact that there is an African American in office... LOL..

I really do believe he will do great things for this country..

As for the beneficial friend and I...nothing has been decided. He wants to meet the kids.. my daughter has flat out forbidden me to date.. she just wants our lives to be the 3 of us, no "intruders" as she puts it. That I should just be happy w/her & Monkey Boy... Ive tried and tried and tried to talk to her about it. But she wont listen, I explained everything to beneficial friend.. he's not worried about it, he said sooner or later she will accept him.

We still need to talk.. seriously sit down and talk about a few things, but the timing is never right. We were suppose to get together Friday night and talk, but at the last minute I ended up going out w/friends. Which he wasn't happy about, he did show up, but he brought his best friend with him. Who is female.. he wanted us to meet. He sat in the car as he refused to come into the bar, and she sat there and texted him the whole time telling him what I was doing. I guess he got a little jealous. I'm a flirt.. its who I am..he knows this.. but he got upset at the fact that guys were buying me drinks and dancing with me. Whatever! I don't sleep around.. I flirt.. and with his "lifestyle" choices..what right does he have to be jealous over me?


ok.. that's all I got.. see.. nothing..