Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Care free days...

Ok.. so the past is catching up with me...
I remember when life was all about being care-free and no worries..
and I remember when I was totally pissed because my father woulndt give me enough money to go school shopping, or to blow Friday or Saturday night when I went out with my friends. Now I sit back and get totally pissed, because I work my f*ing butt off and still have problems paying the bills, and yet they are always there.

What happened to the care-free days? You know, the days you could drink from the hose, or ride in the back of the pick up truck, or ride your bike down the street w/out worrying if you gonna get a ticket because you dont have on your helmet.
What about walking late at night to run over to your friends house, picking fruit off your neighbors trees and just eating it prior to washing it... or those fresh blackberries straight off the vine.. and cherries..mmmm... seems your not allowed to do that anymore..

Dating.. wow.. I miss dating, I dont date anymore.. why not? I want to date... I want a date.. I want those feelings of new realization... of getting to know someone, of learning new things w/someone.. of just being w/someone.. oh well.. someday..

I started thinking of my past, my teen years, and some of the things Ive gone thru. Most of it self induced. Would I change any of it? No, I dont believe so..mainly because I had a damn good time. Yeah.. I drank alot, and I got caught up in drugs.. and yeah.. I did those things because I wanted to fit in w/the crowd I was "hanging" with...but you know.. I enjoyed it.. I made some good friends... and I made some bad enemies.. but because of the things I did in my life, and the road that I have traveled down.. those things made me who I am today.
And even if I do say so myself.. Im a damn good/cool/hip/hop/happenin kind of bitch.. LOL.. ( did I really just write that?)

I went to a county tradition over the weekend.. and smacked myself directly into flashback mode.. the smells of the fair, the heat, the lake, the rides..everything.. all of it.. I even saw people from my past.. those that I wished to walk away from. Granted.. my town isnt small.. we have over 3k living here ( Im sure of it) and yet, it's a small town is so true! I ran into at least 6 people Sunday, in a 3 hr stretch from my druggin/drunken days.. and W.O.W. they are still druggin/drinkin.. do people grow up?

Anyhow....Im off for another vacation..I havnt taken so many vacations in YEARS!!!
Heading to Canada... will let you know how it went.. ta ta


Monday, July 24, 2006

Wow... I just read that..

And am I really that pathetic??

Yep..guess I am..

there is more to life than all the negatives I have written
I will expand on them tomorrow..

until then.. I leave you all with..

Nighty night!!!!

We have a theme

there seems to be a theme to this blog..
that would be the big "L" word..
yep..I question it on a daily basis, there are so many types of love.. love between parent & child, love between sibling's, love between friends, love between man & women, the love you feel for a beloved pet. Yes, Love.. it's a 4 letter word, yet, it has one of the most complex definintions known to man.

Webster descirbes Love as:
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
( A sense of underlying oneness.. hmm.. is that possible? can you truly be with another human and feel as one?)
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
( Ah..here we go.. the emotion of sex and romance.. but.. just giving your body for some, does not equal love.. to some.. it's just an act.. just a "release" but it doesnt necessary mean, your in love w/that person)
Sexual passion. (Yep... again.. S.E.X.)
Sexual intercourse. (oh look..and again.. S.E.X.)
A love affair. ( A love affair... LOL.. damn.. an affair does not equal L.O.V.E... what does it truly equal though?)
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. ( yet another definition.. an intense emotional attachment... ah yes... I love my animals.. my friends.. my family... so forth

So.. again I ask.. what is it?
Mythology... is Love a Myth? Arrows of Cupid.. once shot by the arrow of Love.. you will feel it's power and the first person you see will be the true one.. the one you will feel that intense attachment to.. the one who will make your heart stop, drop to the pit of your stomach, then your heart starts again with that deep ragged breath, and beats and beats and beats, to the point where you think it's going to burst out of your chest until you feel that persons arms around you, lips to lips and carresses...can it happen?

I dont know what it is, I thought I found it once.. ok..maybe twice.. but did I? I found what I thought it was, I felt the beat of my heart everytime I looked at him, when ever he would put his arms around me I could feel the love pouring from his existence, from every pore, from all over, I felt like I belonged.. and then.. he was gone.

But was that true love? Was that what it should be?
I truly dont know anymore.
Yes I love my children.... with everything that is with in me.
I love my family...more than they can know (even if I dont talk to a part of them)
and I love those friends of mine that are there for me, and dont choose sides... and are actually the ones who love me unconcidtionally..they are far and few between...
but love w/a soul mate... yeah.. I suppose it could happen... and yeah.. I guess I have seen it happen.

Just not for me!