Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ramblings of the Insane

Hi everyone... I apologize for not posting earlier.. but things have just been crazy & ongoing.
So.. grab your favorite beverage & a snack, sit down, put your feet up and lets talk!

Took the boy to court... and it actually wasn't all that bad. It's a 9month probation, if he gets in alot of trouble during those 9months, then it will be longer. However, the judge didn't feel that my son was over the top. So we have to go to court again in January, until then we have to attend family counseling. Now, if the counselor and I could just meet up and stop playing phone tag. Since court, the boy has been really good, although he did have a small issue at school which caused him to receive an emergency expulsion. However I ripped the principle a new ass, because Wonder Boy & another student were horse playing in the hall way and the other kid went to kick Wonder Boy, who in turn grabbed his leg, twisted and the boy went down and hit his head on the hard floor.... yes, I understand that it shouldn't of been happening, but hell boys will be boys, it was unintentional... and Wonder Boy felt so so so bad.. the kid went to the hospital to make sure he didnt have a concussion (thank god he's a sue happy world)
Well, the principle kicked Wonder Boy out before even gathering all the facts.. that ticked me off... and I said my piece.. and he was back in school after the Thanksgiving Holiday.
So.. we are off to a GREAT start!

2) I started my second job. Oh it's great to work with the public again.
God how I hate people. I thought this time of the year was suppose to bring out love, peace, and good will among people? NOT!!!
It's been a a true test of my patience... Two customers got into a fight w/each other and it took everything I had not to bitch slap them both. I just looked at them both.. said in my most chipper voice.. " tis the season to be jolly" and turned and walked away. If they wanna cat fat, go at it.. have fun.. but you being a couple of bitches will only make me NOT want to help you!
I worked 20 hrs last week... and then this week Ive only worked maybe 4... I really really need those hours.. stupid me, didnt go and figure out what I was making per hr, I swear.. if it's just minimum wage, is it worth it? If I knew how to waitress I would go get a waitress job at some bar.. but I suck at math.. soooooo... that's a no...

3) My girlfriend who is unhappily married.. finally told her husband how she feels (sadly she chose Turkey evening to do so)
not sure what's gonna come of it, but he seems to be blaming me for it. whatever.. I dont really care.. I call their house he answers and if she's not home he will tell me then hang up on me. I know he's hurting but come on.. grow the fuck up! Or am I being to harsh? Either's not my deal and Ive told her she's going about it wrong. But it's her life.. it's not my place to tell her how to live it. Right? Right!!!

4) I ran into a guy I went to high school with. I vaguely remember him. According to him I hid out in his parents boat that was in their backyard my freshman year of high school, again I barely remember this. Anyhow.. ran into him at the bar ( Im starting to think Im turning into a weekend alcoholic) we danced, we talked, we laughed, we danced, we kissed.... and OMG.. it was a kiss that was really good...
So we've been talking since then, haven't seen him, just talking, were suppose to go to dinner tonight. But Im having reservations....
I cant stand his voice.. is that superficial? Some say it is, but his voice is so.. uummm... soft.. it's almost as if he never went thru puberty. My voice is deeper than his. But he's a supper nice guy, well from what I can tell, I understand it's to early.
This brings up a whole mess of other issues.

Do I want a relationship? I have so much other shit going on in my life Im not sure if Im ready to invest in something with anyone right now.
My ex did a real number on me. It's almost as if Ive been ruined for any other man. I have become such a hard ass, cold, unemotional towards others. Verbally abusive to men. It's not really who I am, it's a defense mechanism. I honestly don't think I can put myself out there and risk my heart. If I still have a heart. I don't even know anymore.
I have become such an angry person. I don't trust men, I don't believe in what they say, don't believe anything that comes out of their mouths.
When did I become such an angry person?

5) The company is still up for sale.. Any buyers out there?
Nothing new on that front.. they have put packages together for everyone.. but not sure exactly what is what. More on that when I figure out what is going on!!

Ok.. I guess I should get back to work.. hope you enjoyed your favorite to ya'll soon.


********THIS JUST IN*********

So.. I did some investigation work.. true example of why I dont trust men.
We will call him Cowboy...
anyhow.. the apartment complex where he currently resides, is managed by a friend of a friends, so I had my friend call and see if she could get any dirt.
Well guess what!!! He's living w/his fiance.
Yep.. that's right...
He's been fucking playing me... and I dont deal well with that.
Now, this is a very fine line that Im walking, because... she shouldnt of given me any information.
So.. I cant just come right out and say anything, cuz she could loose her job.
So... I think a little evilness will need to come into play...
So.. Im gonna tell the apartment manager to say that she's friends w/me... and that she found out what he's been doing.. and tell her where we are suppose to meet for dinner tonight and have her show up.

Moral of the story.. dont fucking play me. Cuz I wont be played!!!!!
I always win!!!
Will let you all know how it turns out tomorrow...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


I need something lite and funny in life..
Nothing really lite & funny has happened lately. Which is rather sad.

Sunday evening my dear friend and I decided to go out and have a dinner and drinks ;)
I should of known that dinner and drinks would mean starting at 6ish, and ending up at the local watering hole. Little did I realize, that at 11:ish... I was toasted.. I'm really starting to sound and feel like a drunk..
The kids stayed the weekend w/their cousins, up on the hill, I say the hill, cuz they live on the side of the Capital Rain Forest and have all this acreage to run and roam and well be free, kids, playing in the creek, climbing tree's and just being.
We all needed a break from each other.

Back to Sunday evening.. I honestly didn't mean to head out and get intoxicated... I don't even remember drinking that much.. but.. I guess I did, cuz by the time she dropped me off at home, I got into bed, and the room started spinning, so I got up and made myself the ultimate drunken fair.. peanut butter & raspberry jelly...nummers!!! That settled my tummy and I passed out.

Now, a little more (from what I remember from the evening)

My dear friend is married.. very unhappily so.. but married non-the-less
She met another guy.. and has been carrying on an emotional attachment for a little over a month. Now, she wants advice or the ok to cheat on her husband.. she says she needs a "reason" to leave him...
Never mind the fact that she is extremely unhappy.. they have no communication between the two of them, he doesn't do any housework, he cant even make a fucking Dr's appt for their daughter. He works, and he figures that that's all he needs to do. He's 9 yrs younger than she is, (she's 34 he's 26) and is so damn arrogant that it drives me nuts. He and I get along to a point, until he irritates me and I tell him to shut up.. I put up w/him because of her.. I kind of half to I figure.

Anyhow.. she cant stand it when her husband touches her, kisses her, or try's to engage in sex with her. She says it makes her physically ill.
I cant help her, I have tried and tried to give her advice.. but who am I to give someone advice on their marriage.. I'm not married, I have never been married.. I guess I have always figured if your that damn unhappy then leave.. just get up and go. But cheating is not the answer. But she is hoping that this guy will be the reason for her to leave her marriage. I yelled at her Sunday night, as we were sitting in the bar... to stand on her own two feet, to stop being so damn co-dependant.. to be who she needs to be w/out someone else to drag down.

I feel for her.. but can I really condone what she wants to do?


I take the boy to court tomorrow.. we stand in front of a judge and I tell the judge what has been going on and why I want him on this program. Then on Friday we have a social worker coming to the house, to talk w/all three of us. I'm starting to wonder if Ive done the right thing. We have to go thru 8 weeks of counseling as a family, which is great but w/a social worker from the state? What does that mean? I guess I'm paranoid that at any time they could not like my parenting style and then all the sudden my kids become a ward of the state. Which over my damn dead body! I brought those happy little children into this world, only one whose gonna take them out is me!!!!
I love my kids.. but am I doing whats right?
And once he gets into this program, how the hell do I get him out of it? Damn, I guess I should of asked that question. OH Crap... I'm so damn stupid!!!!!


Company meeting today.. our division is up for sale.. there are 3 categories of what our employment could turn out to be

1) current employee... remaining an employee once we are purchased
2) current employee... remaining until after the purchasing, and then being let go
3) terminated

there are packages that come with each category...
if the severance pay is good..I'm so outta here!!!! I'm bored in my job..bored..bored...bored..
I think I'm ready to head back to school and get my nursing degree..
I mean..why not.. either that, or I'm gonna go become a cop.. at least then I could take my aggression out on some ass hole that pisses me off ;)

Ok.. well Ive had enough of this day..

I'm out of here


Friday, November 09, 2007


Ok.. just a few random things..

1) Weekends.. I tried to log into your blog, but it says that I have to be invited in?
2) I got a second job, I start Tuesday.. I will be shooting people for a living.. can u guess what I will be doing?
3) It's hotter than hades in this fucking building!!!
4) We had a potluck today at work.. and OMG.. Im so freakin full!!!
5) We had puppies Monday... only 2.. but Mamma and both puppies are healthy

Took the boy child to his appt last Friday, and he has been a SAINT this week... well as good as a the devil in a saints disguise anyway. All of his teachers have been very impressed with his positive behavior. We have court on the 15th, go in front of a judge and I get to explain to him why I feel he should be on thsi program, and then the boy has a chance to redeem himself, then the judge hands down his ruling on whether or not he is going to be on it (the counselor already said he will be)

So, if wee boy child fucks' up, he has major consequences.... such as community service hours, detention, work crew, additional essays. If he continues to screw up at school, and the school kicks him out, then he will have to attend school thru juvenile hall, in a cement room, w/a guard.. no lunch break, you eat at your desk, no outside time... 8am-4pm
Needless to say, he's been an angel!

We have a tour of the juvenile facilities on the 13th.. Im making the girl child go too, because she has been having a bit of an attitude problem lately too. That cute little girl act isnt cutting it anymore!

Mamma is D O N E!!!
Thankfully they understand that now.

Ok.. well peace everyone, the weekend is here and I think Im gonna sneek outta work early..

Friday, November 02, 2007

Insane in the Membrane

boy child update:
I left work yesterday and had an impromptu meeting w/the principle.. he wasn't able to get an officer to come to the school to talk to my child.. I know huh... what kind of police do we have??? But between the principle and myself we did find out that there is a program thru the local juvenile hall called "At risk youth" we have an appointment today at 3. My son however thinks he is being put into juvi this afternoon.. and I ain't telling him any different!!!
He was P E R F E C T last night.. OMG.. he cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, started a fire, folded the laundry.. all with out being told..

Yeah.. that's what I said, all with out being told..

As I was sitting in my chair, watching some tv.. he crawled into my lap.. told me he loves me and that he's truly sorry.. and that he will turn things around.. I looked at my child, and literally felt my heart snap in two.. but.. I had to stand strong.. be firm.. I said that words mean nothing.. actions speak louder.. to prove to me that he will change, because it's not to late.. and I have complete faith in him to do so!
So.. we shall see.. everyone cross your fingers that the young punk snaps the fuck outta whatever he's in!!!

*****subject change*****

As I was driving to work this morning, I was taken back in memory to a time long long ago.. well to a few times long long ago..
I was just barely 18... getting engaged for the first time.. to my high school sweetheart. (Yeah.. first time Ive been engaged 4x..explanation to come) we were so in love, but seriously who knows about love at 18? I remember Valentines day.. 1989 - he brings a briefcase out of his house, get's into my car and tells me to drive out to old military rd... we get there.. the moon was full and bright, the air was crisp & clean, and I swear you could hear the wolves howling in the background. He pulls out the briefcase and opens it, and puts a table cloth over the hood of the car, a candle in an old green bottle, a bottle of champagne, and two champagne glass's... as we are both leaning over the car.. he looks at me, tell's me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and asks me to be his wife... I said yes.. I'm not gonna tell you what happened after that, I'm sure ya'll can figure it out..
a few months later, he left for college in Arizona... and I freaked out... I started doing meth again, day in and day out.. it was the only way I could control my emotions.. and then.. I started seeing someone else (my son's father) when my "fiance" came home, cuz he was kicked out of school.. I ended things with him.. and he befriended my best friend at the time.... little do I know, she was madly in love with him. Her and I worked together, I remember the day that I found out they were dating... we were sitting on brk, and she was talking to me about him, but not telling me his name, just this guy this.. this guy that.. I figured it was a huge blow up between us, she broke that unspoken cardinal friendship rule, never date your BF's ex.

To make a long story short.. I got over my hatred, because seriously, what's more important.. good friends, or some guy? The best part was, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to him! I was 6 months pregnant w/my second child, and parts of his family was completely blown away that I was there.. the bride and I had great laughs at that!!!! We've lost touch over the years... but found memories are still there.

My second engagement... was just assumed... we had a child together, so we assumed that we would get married.. My son's father.. We had been together for awhile, I was 20 when I got pregnant..just barely 21 when he was born.. he was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for 5 weeks after birth.. right after he came home.. his dad left to move to another state for a job, I was suppose to follow.... after he left for unknown lands I came to the realization that I didn't love him and had no desire to leave everything and everyone I knew. So..I made the phone call that would end everything. I hate to admit it, but it wasn't a huge loss to me.. maybe to my son.. but not to me. I mean, wasn't it better for me to be happy than unhappy?

My third engagement:
Oh wow.. where to start.. Mike... I met him via my mother. He worked for her, and he and I struck up a friendship first.. nothing more.. we would talk for hours on the phone, and when we were able to get together, it was like two best friends. Then one night things took a turn of events and we found out that we were more than just friends. With in a few short months I had finally found the love of my life.
He cherished me and my son. He treated him as if he was his own. His mother even made my son a Christmas stocking. It was beautiful. I had a 1/4 marque cut diamond on my ring finger, we had the date set... we had the invitation picked out, the down on the hall, we had everything ready to go. Our Mothers got along (well for the most part..LOL) we were dress hunting..
He was a weekend warrior.. meaning, he was in the Army Guards, and he had gone away during the summer for a 2 week retreat.. when one morning I woke up.. realizing... it wasn't ment to be.

As I layed in my bed, watching the sun stream thru the window and listening the outside world waking up. I realized, I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I realized that he deserved to be happy with someone who could return that love. I realized that I couldn't go thru with a marriage. I realized that I needed to cut him free.
So I did... I walked away from him... and allowed a piece of my heart to go with him.
That broke my heart, letting Mike go.. to this day 12 yrs later I miss him and I wonder what would of happened, how would my life would of turned out. I wish I could find him. To apologize. To see him one last time and actually say goodbye. We didn't split on good terms. But who could honestly blame him. I still think of him fondly.

I had a brief interlude w/my neighbor shortly after this... a rebound thing. But.. he pulled the "I love you" right out of the gate. No sex was had between he and he was saving himself for marriage (admirable huh) I got scared and ended that really quick... which was hard too, as he lived directly across from me.. so we would see each other alot.. but.. it was for the best.

My fourth engagement:
For those of you that have been reading my blog.. you know who this is. My daughters father...
The man I fell in love with.. is NOT the man of today.. the man I fell in love with no longer exist's. Let me tell you about who he used to be.
He was funny, charismatic, intelligent, trust worthy, dependable, loving, kind, considerate, strong... he was all that I had ever wanted in a life partner. He asked me to marry him on Christmas eve.. 1995.. I said yes.. and w/in an extremely short time.. my world changed.

At first it was there were subtle hints, words that ended up having a lasting affect. Words that I didn't realize until to late were so cutting. Then the hands. At first it was just a grab of the arm to pull me to where he wanted, to do what he wanted...when he wanted, how he wanted. Then there came the sexual "guidance" I will call it. To perform how/when/where.. no was not allowed. I was segregated from friends and family. I was emotionally and mentally put down. My will was bent to his liking.

It took me 4 long years to realize the hell that i was living in. The day came when I woke up and became strong. Some of it's still to painful to re-live. To think about all that happened would bring back pain and memories that I don't wish to re-live.

The brain is a phenomenal thing, the things that are locked w/in could scare your average person. My own personal nightmare. Its almost as if part of my brain knows when to release a memory. Knows when I am strong enough to accept and handle it.

I understand why I released 2 of my engagements.. my second one.. I didn't love.. I realized that..
My fourth.. was NOT ment to be..

I think I released my first one because it dawned on me that I was to young..
But.. why did I release Mike? What truly was the issue?
I did love him. Well, I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him. I probably.. could of.. loved him more over time...

I guess all this makes me wonder.. do I know what love is?
Can I accept love when it's given to me?
What am I afraid of?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Disclaimer - bad words ahead!

Life has a way of just spiraling out of control like a roller coaster ride... there are only 3 occupants on this roller coaster... two kids in the front car.. and the haggard mother in the last car.. whom cant decide if she should lock the seat belt.. or just let the fate of the gods take it's course.
On one hand, to just sit in the seat and hold on is an option... I mean seriously, whats the worse that could happen... I fall out, and split my skull open, but hell, knowing my luck I would survive it be normal minus the bashed in skull and would have to live out my remaining days on earth looking like some Halloween project gone bad.

Or.. I could buckle up and sit tight and just let all the bullshit wash over me. But seriously, how much bullshit can one person really take? How much before a person just finally breaks down and looses control... claims sanity..or just goes ape shit on another person?

No, life isn't always so fucking dramatic. Sometimes its' all peaches & roses, sweet & nice and everything oh so very nice. But when it rains.. I'm telling ya.. it fucking pours & fucking pours and fucking pours until Katrina looks like mild bath water. Some days are worse cluster fucks than others, but I suppose you take it day by day it's bound to get better.. right? RIGHT!!!

So here's a little of what's going on:

Romance.. I thru cold water on it.. to many weird ass happenings.. and I'm not happy w/myself or my life right now, so how was I gonna even attempt to try to make someone else happy... if I'm not happy, no one else is gonna be.. so fuck it.. that's over.

the boy child: I'm gonna strangle my son... he's done nothing but fuck up.. fuck up.. fuck up.. I feel like the worse mother in the world.. I obviously don't know how to parent.. he did 2 days of ISS (in school suspension) he was back for half a day in classes.. fucked up.. and suspended from school for a day.. oh he's back in today.. and I just got yet another fucking phone call.. and he's back in the office, because he decided to body slam another student.. so.. I told the principle to contact the police and let me know when they were coming.. maybe scaring the shit outta the kid will help! Or something.. cuz if I see him right now.. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him!!!
What did I do wrong? I got him tested for ADD... Dr said he's got it.. but mildly.. so he's on meds.. but really low dosage.. the kid just wont use the lump three feet above his ass.. the brain of his isn't there to be used as a wind tunnel..
So.. I told the principle to call the local police.. maybe some scare tactics will work..cuz I don't know what else to do.. they don't hand out handbooks when you walk outta the hospital

the girl child: OMG!!! she has become so damn argumentative... she just turned 11 and thinks she is ALWAYS RIGHT.. did I say ALWAYS... she will argue about anything.. she walks into my bathroom this morning, grabs my hair brush and tells me it's hers.. uummm excuse me... I try not to argue with her.. I really really do.. I try to reason.. or.. I just tell her to knock it off, I'm the mother.. the adult.. the ONE IN CHARGE... but it's like she doesn't hear me..
I have her in counseling, we are trying to figure out what the issues are..

Work: is a never ending source of entertainment & frustration
that's about all I can say about that. Company meeting a few weeks ago it was stated that our division is up for sale.. so hopefully I will have a job once the company sells.. or I will be hitting the job seeking road.. whatever.. either way I don't care at the moment... sad huh?

OK.. I think that's about it.. for now..
I should probably get to work.. sorry I was MIA for awhile..
but hey..I'm here now :)

I'm off to coffee myself up.. that always makes me feel better..