Thursday, December 21, 2006

Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

The weather outside was frightful...
Branches a blowin'
Power lines' a swingin
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Power out Thursday evening...
lost it around 11 pm

BRRR... it was cold....
lines down on both sides of our house
A transformer taken by a huge mean Pine.
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Temps dropped into the low 20's
Ice forming on windows
House temp... 42
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Finally, found a generator
Ate out alot, Casino's have generators
Won an extra $100
Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Sleeping fully clothed
Sweats, hoodies, gloves, hat
Socks... I hate things on my feet when I sleep
Let it blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow

Monday 7:00 PM
What's that I hear?
Whats that noise?
Happy Dance... for Electricity...
No more Blow, No more Blow, No more Blow!!!!

One good thing came about w/the power outage..
I got all my X-mas shopping done and all wrapped!!!!
What else was there to do but shop in the warm stores???


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Dear Santa.....

One more.. to all the mom's/dad's/grandparents/or all that understand!!!

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only beheard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it beingserved in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful ifyou could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come inand dry off so you don't catch cold.Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children happy, healthy and always believing.

Random thoughts

It's Wednesday.. had no power this morning..
wind storm... uuugghhh... I can not function w/out a shower.. and coffee..
Was suppose to start a new diet this morning.. but, it says no coffee on my diet.. WTF?
So.. needless to say, I didnt start my diet.... I couldnt even shower..
I feel like Im not really here.. I feel "dirty" Im not.. I took a P T A bath..
w/the cold ass water...

My S N L (sis in law) has a large mass growing in side her.. no, she's not prego..
but they dont know what it is.. it's the size of a small nerf football... attatched to her liver.
She went in for a biopsy (sp?) yesterday.. please pray it's not cancer...and it can just be removed.. she has 5 kids... I cant take care of 5 kids if God forbid something drastic was to happen.. plus my 2.. that's 7.. Western State here I would come!!!!

My son is having surgery on Monday... he has cyst's forming between his growth plates on the top's of his feet, it's causing him loads of pain. Please send drugs for the Mommy.. so she doesnt have a nervous breakdown when he comes out of surgery and he start being whiny.. (cuz that's what he does when he's not feeling well) he will be on good drugs.. so maybe he wont be to whiny..
how about you send drugs so I dont kill his "fathers" other half.. as they have decided they need to be there... Oh God, grant me the strenght to do the things that I KNOW I should not do!!!

What else....
yeah.. nothing

Monday, December 11, 2006

To Be Fair..

To be fair I should post about my son's sperm donor too...

He's just as worthless as the other one..
Although he at least pays his child support, of course.. he's still waaaaaay behind
but.. I guess I will give him some kudos, as he's at least trying...
However, the small boy child just got off the phone w/his "father" and informed me that
Daddy dearest is purchasing an Ipod.. you know.. the really expensive one so he can download books on tape so he can listen to them at work..

hmmmm... me in my rashness, starts spewing words of discrimination against his lovely father

I know, I know bad Mommy.. Bad Bad Bad..
but damn it!!!
Small boy child has medical bills & Ortho dental bills coming out the wazzu.. and the courts stated that he not only has to pay child support but also half.. (that's 50%) of his medical/dental bills too.. and do you think he's paid any towards those???
If you guessed No.. your so smart!!!

Now.. I understand it's also my responsibility.. and hence why he pays 50%... because that's what I agreed to in court.. bringing our son into the world was both our decision. We BOTH agreed to his care. I am a firm believer in the issues between the sperm donor and me.. are just that.. between he and I.. our son is NOT brought into the middle..
Very rarely do I ever say anything negative about his sperm donor to him.. and I know and realize I should NEVER say it.. but well, not all of us are perfect, from time to time I do tend to slip up and when I do, it's a whopper..
So.. needless to say... I slipped (it's that damn red hue of anger, maybe I need some counseling)
and well anyhow.. I stated that his "father" was..... well it doesnt matter what he is..
but it wasnt nice.. at all... and I thought the small boy child would get all upset, so I apologized immediately
and well.. do you know what he said....
He said.. I know Mom... relax.. he's a dumb ass.. we have known that for years!!!

(insert open mouth astonishment)
Out of the mouths of babes
Ok.. so.. do I get upset because my son just cussed to my face..
Or.. do I acknowledge to him that... he's allowed to his opinion... or is it his opinion?
Ok.. I looked at my son.. told him I loved him... and that was going to take a bubble bath
and I needed some time alone.
He gave me a hug, told me he loved me.. and to enjoy...

Yeah.. He's 13.. he still loves me.. and he hugged me..
No payments to his bills, he buys shit he doesnt need when he should be paying for things more important...
but you know what.. I got the boy.. he loves me.. and he gave me a hug...
I get the better deal... I have the better deal...
The bills will be there.. forever.. alls well....


Friday, December 08, 2006

Aunt F.. bitch bitch bitch!!!

Im irritable!!!
Its my right... Im a female..
and P M S has SET IN!!!

Oh yeah.. I could just rip off someone's head, and shit down there neck, screw the head back on, pat them on top of their wee little noggin, and send them on their merry fucking way..
Gawd I hate it when I get like this..
I soooooooooooooooooooooooo wanna lash out at someone..
Just argue, and be really really mean!!!!

But I wont..
Im trying to calm myself.. Oh.. Im fucking trying!!!!

Excuse me.. phones ringing.. one moment please..................................................................................................................................................
Stupid mother fucking, dumb ass, ignorant, asshole!!!!
Oh..your life is so fucking hard isnt it.. your screwed????
Your Screwed? How dare you tell me how fucking screwed you are..
Why dont you try raising two kids, on your own, with no fucking help from their sperm donors.. Oh wait.. YOUR ONE OF THE SPERM DONORS.. and you have paid me $20 mother fucking dollars in 10 fucking years.. and your screwed???!!!!!
I have gone w/out so much in MY life.. because my children come first.. and you want to complain to me that your screwed????
Well.. let me think about this.. your 36 fucking yrs old, cant hold a job for no longer than 6 months.. living on someone's couch, trying to get everyone to buy your poor me act.

Well I got something for you.. (insert middle finger here)
I dont want to hear how your screwed.. why dont you try paying one of these dental bills, or buy your daughter some clothes, or pay for her dance class, or put some food on her plate, comfort her when she's sick, discipline here when she acts up, get time off work to accompany her on a field trip at school (cuz all the other parents do) buy her some new shoes, take her to the Dr when she breaks out in a rash, and get the meds to stop the itching. Explain to her why we cant afford all the items she wants. And if your really up to it.. why dont you explain to her, why you dont love her. Cuz let me tell you, she ask's me that one alot..
Mommy.. why doesnt may daddy care about me, like the other daddy's do...
yeah.. NIIIIIICE!!!!!

Your fucking screwed..
you know what you are.. and the reason is because I got the better part of your life. MY daughter... whose loving, kind, & caring... Who is going to make something out of her life and be someone.. regardless of the piece of shit father she has...

Yeah.. your right.. you are screwed!!!

(sorry for all the bad language.. but.. Im pissy.. can ya tell??)

Peace.. (Im trying to find some)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Tis the Season... blah blah blah

Normally Im not a huge Holiday cheer person. This year really isnt all that different. Why?
Well Im the believer that this is not Jesus day of birth, however, I understand this is when we celebrate the day of his birth. The real problem is, is that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost!

What is the true meaning of Christmas, again, it's all in your perception and your beliefs.
To me,
Christmas is about love, kindness, giving, generosity & caring.
However the retail world, makes it all about want want want.. give me give me give me.
It's more about the bottom dollar amount than about who you spend the time with. What you do for your community. What you do for your friends & family.

My children will be learning a valuable lesson this holiday season, they will assist me in dishing out sleeping bags to the homeless, food at the shelters, and a food drive Im holding at work for our local Senior Center. There presents will not only be materialistic, but what they give to our community also,to those that have LESS than we do. It will not just be about what's under the tree for them. But the life lessons under the tree this year, and the years to come, will be what they will learn from. Grasping the true meaning of Christmas will be on our agenda. They are old enough to learn that life is not all happy colors, but dark hues of the under world, the side of poverty that luckily has not touched us............. yet!

I wish you all Happy Holidays.. Whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza or what ever your traditions and beliefs carry you from day to day.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I got's nothing!!!

I got's nothing to talk about today.
Sad huh.
Nothing.. no ramblings rolling around in my head
Dont get me wrong.. there is always things rolling around in my head.. but nothing that is making any sense at the moment....

Anger.. it's on the outter edges again... so much so that Monday night the red hue was extremely close and was trying to grasp me. My son & daughter both looked at me and asked if I had a bad day. That snapped me back, it was like cold water being thrown in my face.
So I sat in my recliner, watched TV and talked to no-one. My poor little ones.. having to deal w/me when I get in those moods. Luckily they are older and they understand that I too have bad moments.

Other than that.. nothing..
Christmas is upon us..
Im getting closer to the shopping being done..
Wow my kids are greedy.. but I suppose all kids are... that's nothing new..
so.. they are not getting everything on their wish list.. I am not Bill Gates!!!
But, they will get a few of the items, like the cheaper ones!LOL

What else.. nope nothing.. my head is empty.. nothing in there
My son goes in for surgery.. 2 weeks..
It's a fairly easy operation, on the top of his foot.. should be in and out under an hr.
His sperm donor and his other half will be there. Oh.. yeah..
So Monday (my day of anger) was the pre-op appt for the small boy child.
So Sperm Donor and his live in were in attendance.. as the live in proceeds to quiz the Dr on the operation, and demands to see the x-rays.. WHO IN THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!!!??? Finally I had to look at her, tell her to hush up and let ME speak to the Dr.. besides, Im the one paying for it.. and Im the one who has to deal w/him for the 3 weeks that he's laid up.. not them!!
What should I expect.. they are the scum of the underbelly of Everett... (sorry to all those real people that live in Everett)
It's not HER son.. it's MY son.. and I already went thru all this w/the Dr. Pissed me right the fuck off. She wouldnt shut the hell up (just thinking about this is getting my dander up)
I went thru the 9 months 2 weeks of carrying him.. I went thru the 19 1/2 hrs of hard ass labor.. ME...not to mention putting up w/sperm donors bullshit during that time period.
Ok.. calm.. deep breaths..
sunny days.. ocean waves..
ok..Im better... anyhow.. where was I? Oh yeah.. so anyhow.. yeah.. his surgery is in 2 weeks.. He's worried, I was joking around with him and said that he is gonna be on drugs and feeling no pain all shall be good... they hooked my boy up.. Vicodin.. Percocet.. oh yeah.. one for small boy child.. 2 for mommy.. LOL.. IM JUST KIDDING FOLKS!!!

Ok..Im done.. Im out.. maybe more nothing's later..


Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I really have nothing to write about today.. so.. I figured I would do the basic.. what are we thankful for crap.
20 things Im thankful for (lets see if I can come up w/20)

1) My children (that I was never suppose to have)
2) My Family (even after all the shit I put them thru they still
3) My job
4) My friends
5) Not marrying him
6) Rescuing my dog
7) Learning the things I did, when I learned them
8) Blogger
9) Those people that came into my life, and then left when I was done w/them
10) The Rain
11) The smell after a good rain
12) Cucumber Melon body spray
13) My sex drive
14) Having my Grammy be such an important part of my life
15) My first love, w/out him I would of never given love a chance
16) Blogger
17) Quitting drugs
18) Learning the things Ive learned over the years
19) Community Youth Services (w/out them.. I would probably be dead now)
20) My co-workers for dealing w/my shit M-F... 7-5..

Damn.. that was getting sticky at the end..

Im done!! Im outta here
Happy Turkey day to all!!!!

Friday, November 17, 2006

I feel.. ??????

I must be in need of a good cry. Do you ever feel like that? I listen to a song on the radio.. and I can feel my throat start closing up and my eyes start to water.
I was reading a story in the newspaper today, and my throat started to close up and my eyes started to water.
Listening to the DJ's on the radio talking to two sisters who have been looking for each other, for 20 yrs, and you guessed it, my throat started to close up and my eyes started to water.
On the flip side of all this sadness. Im still really fucking angry!!!
At what you ask?
So much.. and yet it's all things that I have no control over.
Tears of Anger... I need 24hrs alone by myself to just vent. Let the tears out.... allow the anger to engulf me then the depression and wait for that rare glimpse of sun that used to follow me around, and then maybe.. just maybe I will start to feel like myself again.
I tend to hide behind a smile and jokes.. making others laugh, these things normally make me feel better. But lately.. I can feel the red fingers of anger on the edges of my mind, trying to grasp me & take control of me.
Im afraid of the damage that will be done if I allow it to control me and take it's full form.

Other Things:
I got into w/a co-worker.. over something so miniscule that it rather irritated me. On Wednesday I got into work late, I asked one co-worker where another co-worker was (the co-worker I asked about is actually a friend of mine.. so I thought)
Anyhow.. Co-worker 2 came back and I asked if all was ok.. and she relays she was in a training session.. biggie.. and the rest of the day she proceeds to give me the cold shoulder and wont even speak to me. WTF?
So Thursday I ask her what her problem is.. and she states to me " I am here to do a job and Im tired of all the office BS. Im not here to make friends, I come in, I work and I dont appreciate others gossiping about me or asking my where-abouts!"
Again.. WTF?
This was via IM..
my reply to her.. after many delted responses (as Ive stated the red fingers are trying to consume me)
so.. my reply..
First.. I asked where you were because your normally at your desk, and you werent at 9:30 in the morning. I know you have been having some health issues and I was concerned.
Second.. we were not gossiping about you.. I asked.. that was that..
Third.. I do not appreciate you ASSUMING that I would talk about you behind your back. ASSUMING things does one thing.. it makes an ASS out of you.. and me.. and I dont appreciate that. In the future... how about I just dont give a shit if you are here or not!
Have a good day
She came back with the statement.. well Im over it now..
HUH? there was nothing to get over.. whatever..
So.. I guess that friendship that I thought was budding is no more.. fine.. do your fucking job....

Am in the wrong here? What did I do that was so wrong? GAWD people piss me the fuck off.. especially touchy women!!!

Other thoughts:
Yesterday at work the company thru a "mixer"
Company mixer for all the employees w/in the building to mix, eat, socialize..
food, make believe gambling tables ( I say make believe because there was no actual money involved) but there was roulette, poker, blackjack, bingo.. all in good fun.. fake money of course...
and food.. ton's of catered food.. oh.. did I mention the company provided us w/beer & wine too!!
Everyone w/in our company in order to pass background security has to be 21... so there was no issue there.. it's odd though, walking around work carrying a beer.. kind of an odd sensation!!!
Anyhow.. I didnt participate in the games.. I wasnt in the mood to socialize.. but I took them up on the free booze!!!

Another thing:
Im so disappointed w/myself... I was doing so well.. but alas... I didnt follow thru..
I started smoking again.. I know I know...
It was just mainly I would have one when I would drink.. then it was just when I was stressed..
and well now.. Im a smoker again..
however.. I dont smoke at home.. so the kids & family dont know I started again.. duh.. do I really think they cant smell it on me???!!!!
Another point of anger you think?

Ok.... I guess Im done for now..

Have a great weekend..
Peace (Im trying to find some)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tag.. Im it!!!

1. What is your current age – 34

2. When is your birthday – October

3. Nationality – American

4. Do you have any pets – yep.. 6 dogs, 1 cat & a ferrett

5. Sexuality – yeah.. I have some!!!

6. What colour is your hair- naturally? blonde w/auburn highlights

7. What colour are your eyes- blue

8. What ethnicity are you - Swedish & English

9. Favourite music - I like it all..Im a mood person..depends on my mood ...

10. Favourite films – no particular favorites.. Old School like Breadfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Grease.. stupid films like that.. bring back teen memories..

11. Dating Status – Dating... Im open.. single.. and looking.. sort of..

12. Favourite book – I love to read.. anything..just put it in my hands..

13. Favourite tv show – Greys Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, CSI, Las Vegas, Two & half men, How I met your mother.. I dont know.. other stuff too...

14. Dream man – someone who fits me...

15. Dream woman – someone who fits me..

16. Can you speak any other languages – my own language is challenging enough.. thanks

Monday, November 13, 2006

Rainy Weather

The Great Northwest gets it's share of rainy weather.. Im ok w/that.. Im actually one of those weird people who enjoy the rain. Rain cleans the soul, the earth, waters all the dead brown grass. Keeps our trees, shrub and plant alive.
Washes away all the dirt on the road. And I love the smell.. I cant explain it, but to me.. it's a smell of cleanlyness.

I love a good storm. Thunder & lightening.. the sounds that come and watching the sky light up.
The Pacific Northwest doenst tend to get alot of these types of storms, however when we do recieve natures rath.. she lets us have it! Over the weekend we had some thunder that sounded as if someone was standing outside my bedroom smackin a huge piece of metal w/a hammer. I have never heard thunder quit like this. The sound just vibrated thru me and then I watched the sky light up! Awesome.. I dont know how else to explain it.

Last night.. No lightening.. not in my area.. and the thunder was very minimul. However there were other elements that were just as powerful. The wind & rain were whipping about.... I could hear things crashing to the ground, I heard a tree limb fall and hit the fence. The dogs were howling, not only mine in the house barking, but I could here the coyotes outside. Or maybe it was just the wind that I heard.

Mother nature is so powerful. A force to be reckoned with in itself. She knocked our power out. Toppled a few tree's, caused a mud slide, flooding in multiple area's. And yet... she can be so beautiful too.

Yes.. Im weird. I love the rain.. I love the thunder the lightening...
It holds such Power!!!!

Happy Monday to all!!!!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Reno ~ BUSTED!!!!

I took a mini vacation.. paid for by my father.
Which.. in itself, is a miracle.. as daddy is a bit of a tight wad!!!
All parties involved.. my brother M his wife J
My brother B and his wife J.. (so she will be known from here on as WJ)
and my Daddy and steppen Mommy

So here is a quick run-down...

~ Friday ~

Arrieved at the Hotel around 4ish..
got in my room.. freshened up..headed on out
so I hit the Casino by 5:30...
and by 7... I was down $150..
so I decided Im just gonna drink..
and I did.. drink..
then we walked..
Thru the Elderado into the Silver Legacy
into Circus Circus.. where we all proceeded to act
like small children who were never allowed to play...
we pretty much hung out at Circus Circus for 3 hrs, playing the games
winning toys and just having an over all great time..
Headed back towards our hotel.. (Harrahs)
Bed.. by 11.. I was soooo tired!!!

~ Saturday ~
My day to sleep in...awww yeah.... and wouldnt u know it.. my beautiful blue eyes popped open at 6:30 am... lovely.. so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep... 7:05 I was awake again... lovely..
I watched TV.. I relaxed, and finally woke my s-n-l (sis n law) J up at 9 and we headed to breakfast w/my steppen mommy....
then off for some shopping, souvenires for everyone..
ordered my first drink at 11:55, baileys & coffee.. and it was all down hill from there!!! :)
I proceeded to get fucked up (hey..I was on vacation and not driving.. ) I did however somewhere in the evening become the "Designated Walker"
I head back to Harrahs to go to my room for something.. and ran into my Daddy and bro M
we all decide.. ready for this.. yep yep yep.. lets go to the Tittie bar.. (my first experience mind you)
we head over to the Mens Club.. very tasteful if I may add, nice plush leather seats, waitress's that were dressed a little more than the cocktail girls at the casino! dim lighting, good music, the bouncers all wore dress slacks/white shirts and ties..
and the drinks were outreagesouly priced!!! until happy hour!! and Daddy, M and I proceeded to drink, and watch and talk.. and get fuuuuucked up!!!!
Daddy got a lap dance... damn that was funny shit..
and M.. well.. Im not really allowed to talk about it.. but.. lets say.. he had a great time..
somewhere w/in that time frame another male guest came over and asked me if I would tip the dancers for him, as he found it more exciting to watch other women tip then for him to do it.
Sure..what the hell.. Im game..
I took his money and tipped the dancers..
then tipped them some more..
all afternoon.. he kept giving me money to tip the dancers, then he latched himself onto me and I honestly believe he thought he was gonna get lucky w/me.. not a snowball's chance in hell!!!!
He kept asking Daddy & M if it was ok to talk to me.. as he didnt want to offend either of them..he was such a dork.. and lonely.. you could tell, such a lost look in his eyes.. poor lost little dork boy!
the little stripper girl came over.. and her and I started talking.. very nice young lady (as I found out.. damn Im old!!!) 22, graduates from college in May w/a Bachelors in Sociology...
she was paying her way thru school by stripping.. good for her.. very cute blonde.. damn she was tall.. (loved their shoes tho!!!!)
then another little "dancer" came over, and she was a nipple pincher.. she tried to pinch my nipples (as M told her I liked it... did I mentioin we were fuuuuucked up?)
nipple pincher complained my boobs were confined so she decided to put her hand down my shirt and grab my entire breast.. and pinch my nipple....
hmmm... damn her hands were cold!!!!!
the afternoon progressed...
and got more and more entertaining..
I get felt up by women I didnt know..
my face got smashed between a lovely pair of breast's.. and I didnt even get her name!!!
then she complained because my boobs were real and she had to pay for hers..
this was while she flopped my boobs outta my shirt and proceeded to feel me up..
in front of my dad & brother.. LOL... funny shit!!!
then she licked my neck and my ear.. hmmm...
time to go people..
we left the stip club about 5:30
headed back to the casino to meet up w/the rest of the fam-damnily..
and drink some more.... dinner time.. headed to a fab Japenese resteraunt where they cook the meal in front of you.. M had to be put to bed at 6:15.. trashed.. gone.. buh bye!!!
so Daddy, Steppen Mommy, B and myself go to dinner.. WJ (why the W? gotta tell them apart somehow) was back in her hotel room w/upset tummy issues.. and J.. she's a gambler.. that's all she wanted to do.. so we went to dinner.. and proceeded to drink Saki.. WOW... interesting drink.. Saki is..
a young dumb couple sat next to me.. their first date.. he and I start talking.. then the rest of the night.. he wont stop talking to me.. my bro B and Dad are like.. hey V.. he's picking up on ya..
lovely.. poor girlfriend.... so I go into bitch mode and shoot him down..
B, steppen Mommy.. and I.. are doing Saki shots.. Bonzai!!!! every shot..
uuughhh... $300 tab later.. good dinner.. from what I remember..
Daddy goes to bed.. B & Steppen Mommy and I.. head to the craps table..
I make friends w/everyone..Im such a happy drunk..
the pit Boss.. the workers.. whatever.. I proceed to yell at a group of guys who are cussing and yelling standing behind me.. "Excuse me gentlemen.. the pit boss dont like your cussing.. please leave the casino" they look at me.. I look at them.. he goes to say something to me.. I think I shook my head no at him.. and they left.. just like that.. just walked away.. Im such a happy drunk..
We go to the bar.. and drink some more.. and some more.. and talk.. and laugh.. J joins us.. we drink some more.. WJ show's up.. crying.. and upset cuz she dont feel good.. poor girl.. didnt realize she could order room service in the middle of the night to get something to settle her tummy ( I think she has ulcers.. needs to go to the Dr)
Im not positive what time we headed out.. but it was late.. and we was drunken fools.. but you know what.. what a blast we had!!!

~ Sunday ~
Holy Shit.. I was hungover!!!!
breakfast didnt taste good..
lunch was better.. went to the Peppermill.. lost my ass..
by Sunday afternoon.. my $$$ was all gone!!!! buy bye...
had a few drinks around 2... made my tummy feel better.. hair of the dog..
Chocolate Martini.. YUCK!!! was not impressed.. malibu & pineapple juice.. yummy...
dinner... nice Italian resteraunt... damn good prime rib..
bed by 9.. sad huh??? screaming kids in the room next to me.. called the front desk aroun 11.. shut those little screamers up please.. .
alls quiet by 11:30.. nighty night!!!!

~ Monday ~
up at 6..
to the airport.. 2 hr delay into Seattle.. why???? well rain of course.. cuz that's what it does here.. it rains.. high winds.. flooding.. typical.. whatever..
finally got home by 5:30.. just in time for kick off..
oh.. yeah.. Seahawks kicked Raiders ASS!!!! thank you.. GO HAWKS!!!!!
love our team from time to time..
bed time... nighty night..

A fun time was had by all.. that was the first vacation that Dad, M & B & I had taken in 26 yrs...
good time.. great memories..
but I still lost my ass!!!!


Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Spooks/Ghouls & night creatures

Ah.. Halloween.. Im not a huge fan...
Last night my daughter reminds me as we are leaving the gym that I havnt gotten her a Halloween costume yet... (bad bad bad Mommy)

So we rush over to Party City... and rush into a hord of people who are all just like me and waiting til the last minute to accomplish what needs to be done for their little demons.......
Of course.. we got slim pickin's...
Tinkerbelle???? doesnt fit...
A devil.... no.. to cold
An ange... so not her
A Baby... to normal
so forth and so on.. she pulled out costumes.. she tried them on.. she carried things around.. she would put them back..
After an Hr... I say..
Forget it.. you can go as yourself.. lets get out of here!!!!

Mind you.. I have my costume.. a pink fuzzy hat, beads, and Margarita sunglasses.. Im Mardi Gras baby!!!

My daughter decides....................... Clown
thats it.. a clown..
hair, socks, makeup, tie, shoe covers, suspenders... and gawd only know's what else cuz I dont remember...
We finally get out of there...
and only spent $80!!!! on what?????

so.. a little scary story to share:

4 yrs ago... I awoke to a noise in the apartment... a deep male voice saying
now.. hmm.... since it was just me and my kids.. and no grown men.. yeah.. got a little freaked..
and I hear again... " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
I sit up in bed, and think to myself.. where are the kids.. my daughter was in bed w/me, as she had crawled in w/me.. and my son was in his room.. or was he???
I get up quietly.. I grab my bat and head into the hall way..
There is my son... standing in his bedroom door.. looking down the hall way and says to me
"There is a man in the front room Mom, go back to bed, I have it under control!"
Excuse me...???? Go back to bed??? You have it under control???? Mind you, my wee little boy is normally afraid of his shadow...and he was only like 10 at the time..
and I hear again...
I flip on the hall light..
and there is NOONE there.. I checked the whole house..
noone.. anywhere.. doors locked.. all windows locked.. empty.. beside me & the kids..
I go back to my son.. and he's curled up on the floor in my room next to my bed..
I wake him up..
he looks at me and says..
"Mom.. there was a man floating in the hall way.. did you make him leave????"
"yeah baby... he's gone.. get in bed"

The next morning.. he remembers nothing...
He doesnt remember the voice... he doesnt remember curling up on the floor..
all he remembers is that his room got really cold.. and he couldnt get warm...

Where did the voice come from?????

Happy Tricking!!!!
Hope everyone gets a treat!!!


Monday, October 30, 2006


Yep.. Thank Gawd it's Monday.. and my weekend is over!

Saturday evening... Halloween party was actually fun. Good Times were had by all.. little drama.. but not much.. well except for S is no longer talking to me. Cuz I had enough and called her on her shit, in front of J.. and other friends.

Yep..Im the bitch..
Yep... I put a stop to everything
Yep.. Im ok with it.

Did I do the right thing? Probably not.. but.. grow up.. be mature.. be a fucking ADULT!!!
it's ok to look and to admire..
it is not ok to touch.. that is going over the limits..
she touched..
I said something..

J.. well... he and I talked exstensively on Sunday.. and he just wants to make sure that I believe and trust him. He said that he really wants me to believe and trust him, it's important to him, I dont understand why.. but.. I do.. because as of yet, he has done nothing to where that would be null and void.
I informed him.. he looses my trust, then there is no friendship! He will cease to exist to me.

I dont know what to beleive..
what I hate to admit.. is that... he's a good guy.. to hang with and I enjoy his company.
Since another gentlemen that I would really like to enjoy has disappeared yet again in my life. I could easily pass the time w/J...that scares me.....

S blamed the whole thing on me.. of course she did.. that's fine.. I told her Im done.. I cant continue on this fucked up path that seems to be the road her and I contineousely walk down together. I refuse to accept the blame.. she is an adult, and can make her own choices/decisions. Nice thing about taking responsibility for your actions.. you have a choice.. and she choose what she did..

Im saddened at the turn of events tho. Because it put her in a totally different light than what Ive always known her to be.
I dont know how to deal with that.
The fact that I told her I liked J...(so that she would think twice b4 reacting the way she did) and to know that she would hit on him anyway..
1) while she's married
2) when there are others around
3) knowing that me, her BF, is in "like" w/him.. and she did it anyway...

I need new friends I think!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Devils Advocate!!

Yep..thats me, Devils Advocate.. or.. am I just adding fuel to the fire?
Or both???

So, last night S & I are sittin' around, having a few drinks talking. She's telling me about her messed up life.. so forth and so on... and me in my brilliant wisdom..
lets txt J..
dumb dumb dumb..

long story short.. tomorrow night J & I and some other friends were going to go to a Halloween party.. my friend got sick.. so she has cancelled, I informed J to come up w/plan B.. and he asked if I had.. and I had.. and me in my stupid buzzed state invited him along.
Now.. you would think.. whats the big????

Well S & her husband will be there!!! dumb dumb dumb duuuuumb!!!!
he say's its no big deal, he wont hit on her, he says he's past it..
she is overly excited cuz she gets to see him.
and Im right dab stuck in the fucking middle of it.. why?
well duh..I put myself there...why???
Two reasons... one.. they need to get the fuck past it..
two..she asked for it.. I just figured it will be better w/her husband there..

Well? dont hold back.. tell me your thoughts.. I in high school again????

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I got Tagged...


I got Tagged!!!! This one was from ~D~...
My first Tag... sweet!!!! here we go.. hold on for the ride

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Where to start.. um.. he didnt realize that having another baby while w/me was a no no.. he didnt realize that stealing all the money from my purse and wiping out my checking account and totalling my car was a no-no.. I guess he just didnt realize that he should stop breathing and leave this earth... go away and never return again.. then again.. I realized to late what a dumb ass he is!!

2. When was the last time you shaved? Every morning in the shower.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? just gettin to work, gettin my breakfast, coffee, and opening everything up.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading ~D~'s blog, checking email

5. Are you any good at math? hm...lets think about this.. NO!!!!

6. Your prom night? Was not attended by me... I was probably sitting in some back alley, smoking a bowl or doing a line.. (see previous posts)

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Rumor has it, that I may be related to Rober The Bruce (King of Scotland) havnt been able to confirm that.. but.. who knows

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Yep..and took me FOREVER to pay off!!!

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?

10. Last thing received in the mail? a dentist bill... lovely...

11. How many different beverages have you had today? coffee.. just IV drip the coffee into my veins.. that will do pig..that will do!!

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? depends on who Im calling

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? hmmm... that was a long ass time ago.. I believe it was Areosmith... from what I remember it was a good concert!!

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? no.. but I draw weird little designs

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? getting my braces tightened my freshmen yr of high school.. that fucking dentist wrenched so hard on my teeth that I ended up hitting him. Needless to say, he told my mother to find a new orthodontist :)

16. What is out your back door? the yard.. fenced in, with to many freakin dogs running around...

17. Any plans for Friday night? taking my daughter to her first concert. She loves country music, so Im taking her to see Jodee Messina...

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? yep.. to much popcorn..but yummy

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? um.. dont think so

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? yeah.. I can get 2 showers outta one towel

22. Some things you are excited about? excited about? Im going to Reno next weekend.. Im excited about that.. other than that.. not much..I lead a boring life!!!

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Im gonna use the same answer here from ~D~.. I don’t eat jello anymore. I got grossed out when I found out what jello is. however.. jello is ok when there are shots involved!! JELLO SHOTS BABY!!!!

24. Describe your keychain(s)? it's just keys.. well until a few days ago.. my daughter put a Washington DC key ring on it that she found when cleaning her room.

25. Where do you keep your change? In the bottom of my purse.. I clean it out once a month and put it all in a large jar.. when the jar get's full the kids and I take it to one of those coin counters in the grocery store, and depending on how much is there we use it to treat ourselves to whatever. Movies, ice cream, skating.. its our fun :)

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? every Friday at our staff meeting, there are 32 in our group.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own? I have a black leather jacket, and a down green jacket.. I need a new one tho.. but.. I hate shopping

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? sunny I think.. I dont remember..that was um.. over 15 yrs ago.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? yes... I cant stand being closed in!!!

This was fun.. thanks ~D~

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Drama cooled off.. and now.. he wont leave me be!!

So the drama finally cooled down..
not after my friend S's friend M called me and wanted me to give her his #
and I got all sorts of pissy again...
standing in my kitchen, and started yelling.. then I took it outside, and was still yelling
and needless to say..we have all come to an understanding..
he and I are still associating w/each other.. it has no reflection on me what he does and whom he does it with, as long as he leaves me and my friends out of it.
S & I decided that we would not discuss him anymore... and that it was a closed issue and she and I are good to go.
J keeps txtng me.... saw him last Saturday and he got pissy that I was ignoring him and not talking to him so he left early. Wanted to know what my problem was and why was I being so grouchy. I wasnt.. Im just disappointed in him, and well, he's not worth my time. I dont get it..
any ideas?

On to other notes.. I have no life!!!
oh.. wait.. hear me out before you judge..
I once befriended a girl at work...she met a guy.. they got together.. I went with her to his house once, his cousin was there.. we all started playing a board game, nothing happened, we all got a little tipsy, she decided to go to bed, the cousin went to bed too that left the BF and I sitting at the table.
I stood up, was standing in the kitchen door way, we were talking. He got up, came towards me, and put his arms around my waist and pulled me towards him and tried to kiss me. I stopped him (never mind that he is extremely attractive and I liked him)
I decided it was time to go home.
the next day I fought w/myself to determine if I should tell my friend or not.. I decided I should..and he of course denied it. So be it.
They were together off and on for a few yrs. Her friendship and mine took it's toll as she was emotionally unstable, I couldnt handle it any longer so I ended the friendship.
He and I stayed in contact, via email and phone.
Then.. one night, he and I got together, and I experienced some mind blowing sex. OMG!!
At the time, she was still my co-worker and had NO clue what was going on between he and I. They were no longer together, however she contineously was contacting him and beggin him for a 2nd chance.
Do you know how hard that is to be laying in bed w/him and listening to him talk to her. Listing to her cry and plead to give her a 2nd chance?
Then to have to face her the next day at work?

Anyhow.... he moved away for some time, to get himself in order and now, he's back.
We have seen each other since he's been back. But we have not been together since he's been back, he told me at one point that he wanted to prove to me that he was not the person he once was. That he's someone else.

I want him. I need to be with him. I could find myself totally falling for him. And that scares the hell out of me. I dont want to fall for him, because he will more than likely hurt me. Why do I think that? Because I sabatoge all my relationships. Waiting for the ineviteble to happen.
But I could find myself loving him.
And that would freak my family out. Why? Because, he's African-American! Not so much my family. But one brother and my father. They would tweak! not that they are prejudice. Just, well, stand-offish..
I have told him that I care. I dont think he believes me, because of the hard-ass core that I portray myself to be.

It scares the hell out of me.
but I would love to be in his arms right now.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Drama belongs in High School

Drama makes the world go round..

Round 2!!!
Text messaging war!!!

me: Steppin out on your spouse/significant other is a form of cheating.. and your ok w/that?
J: How do you know she is happy? You could be obstructing her happiness!
me: What did she say to you that made you think she wasnt?
me: Ive known here for 20+ yrs... she happy... bark up another tree!!!!
J: then why does she want to see me?
me: she was flattered someone besides her hubby was paying attention to her
J: Im not buying that!
me: it wasnt for sale!

At this point, I got pissed, and I was driving ( it's really fucking hard to drive and txt message) so I called him...
Me: Hi.. look.. you dont have an effing clue what is going on w/her and her husband.. she is happy.. she get's tipsy.. she hit's on guys.. but it goes NO where from there.. deal with it.. and dont even think about it. I didnt realize you were that kind of guy..
are you really that type of guy?
J: wouldnt be the first.. or the last, what business is it of yours what she does.. or who she does it with.
me: your right.. it's none of my business.. normally.. but this is my business.. I love her hubby like a brother.. and Im a surrogate Aunt to her chilren!!!
Wow.. that's all I gotta say..Wow..
J: what are you wow'in me for
me: my opinion of you just rolled to the bottom of my are now lower than the scum that is on the bottom of my shoe. You want to mess w/married my guest, but you leave my friends out of it. Have a good evening and good bye

And I hung up!

he txt me back
J: are you going to talk to me anymore, or am I automattically a dick
me: your a dick.. and Im extremely disappointed!
J: Well Im not married so dont be mad
me: but she is!
J: True... but dont be hatin
me: Im not hatin... it takes emotions & feelings to hate another.. I feel nothing for you.. your nothing!
J: are we still on for the Halloween part?
(mutual plans were made prior to all this for me to attend a Halloween party w/a friend of mine which is where I met him)
me: Im still going
J: you dressing up?
me: nope.. so your still going?
J: yea...aint txt messaging fun?
me: it's a way to communicate
J: and it's fun too... so there!!!!

ok.. can I ask a question here now? WTF?
and yes.. I txt him back..Im so OCD (opsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to messaging..I have to answer.. I have to have the last word!!!

me: dressing up for Halloween means you can be someone your not
J: what are you trying to say?
me: look in a mirror.. be someone else!
J: it will be fun, Im looking forward to it
me: it's fun to get out of the house
J: hell yeah it is
me: yep yep

I win... !!!! I had the last word.. aww yea!!!

I called S... and told her that he wanted her #.. but I refused to play a part in it, and I told him no..she said...... are you ready.... "dont you think that is my decision to make?"
my reply..was..'s your decision.. but Im gonna play devils advocate here, and tell you.. his # is on my cell.. you want it.. fine.. dont let me find out that your seeing him, and steppin out on your hubby.. cuz if I do.. I will tell.. because I will NOT play a part in this.. and if he's willing to allow you to cheat on your hubby..what does that tell you about his character..
to which she replied.. what does that say about my character if I want to step out on my husband.. I love my husband.. I only wanted to see him again because I was drunk.. and because it's nice to feel attractive, and wanted.. from someone else beside your husband.. I dont WANT him..
And now.. she really doesnt want to see him.. (so she says)

Im still upset.. why?
who knows..

Im still infatuated.. hopefully I will see Mr.Ib (infatuation boy)
soon.. cuz I need to feel validated.. :)


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I dont get people

So.. continued on from my birthday evening...

J (the guy my friend S threw herself at)
just called..
he wants her #... he wants to see her
he didnt call me.. he called another friend of mine..
so.. I sent him a txt msg.. and told him that I would not provide him her #
because I would not play a part in breakin up her marriage, she was drunk..
and there are small children at home.. and who the hell does he think he is to want that?

Yeah..Im pissed.. then again.. to be honest w/myself.. I know why Im pissed.. we all went out last weekend.. w/out my friend S.. and I thought he and I hit it off.. stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!
I should of known.. NOONE ever goes for me..

but still.. she's married.. OMG!!!!
you cant be serious.. yeah..Im pissed.. really really pissed
and so I txt him.. and he see's nothing wrong w/it..

OH.. Im mad at that!!!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My Birthday evening

My day of birth.. came and went.. good day.. here's a quick run down...

Woke up early.. (why do I always wake up early on the weekends? Yet, cant get my ass outta bed in the mornings for work?)
Got my wee man to his baseball game, and we lost.. damn it!!! But, it was a good game.
Headed home, my brother was there and he made me a big birthday lunch.. B-B-Que chicken, corn on the cob, potato salad.. yummy yummy yummy...
Hung w/him for awhile.. and then went to meet my friend S for a few drinks when she got of work.. we talked, we drank and good times...
Around 6:30... time for me to get home get fancied up head to T-Town to meet some other friends.. only.. S.. doesnt want to go home, so she get's permission from her hubby to go w/me..
and the fun begins!!!!

Lord almighty did she get wasted.. and proceed to hit on every man in the bar.. especially my friend T's ex-brother in law.. which by the way, doesnt know she's married..
one thing leads to another.. and I finally have to let him know.. um.. hey.. she's married...

No..they didnt make out, they didnt sleep together.. but, hands were roaming.. and looks/winks/words were exchanged..

It's been a few weeks since that night.... and she is still talking about him.. and how she has to see him and wants me to set it up, and Im mad at that!
She's fucking married.. she said her I do.. she has a man..
leave the single ones to those that are single.. damn it!!!
Yes Ive talked to her, but she says I dont understand. Ok..what dont I understand????
Oh..that YOUR MARRIED!!!!!?????????????????

Im infatuated w/someone... and I cant get him outta my mind.. and it's been along time since Ive felt this way about someone.. and Im freaked out, cuz he's beautiful.. good looking.. and hot.. and well.. Im so NOT his type.. so help me snap the fuck outta this ok?!

yeah.. work. gotta work..

Friday, October 06, 2006

Happy Birthday!!! To.......

It's my birthday tomorrow..
It's my birthday tomorrow..
another year older.. but am I any wiser?
Sure I am.. hey... it's my birthday.. and if I wanna be wiser
then so be it!!!

I got into work.. and my cube is all decorated..
confetti, streamer, birthday signs...
the one that cracks me up..

Life is not passing you by.. it's trying to run you over!
LOL.. love it..

I have to vases' of roses... I love roses's.. and I never get rose's..
I got Pot o Gold chocolates..
Homemade Blackberry wine..
and...the whole dept made a huge breakfast spread..
French toast, sausage, eggs, fruit, bacon, potatoes
makin's for breakfast burritos
chocolate milk, oj, apple juice

They like me..
they really like me!!!!

Sometimes you wonder..
if your liked..
I think I am..


Monday, October 02, 2006


I attended a funeral yesterday, and I started thinking about death ever after (or is that marriage.. diff post)

As I sat there listening to all the things that were accomplished for her 70+ years on this earth, I started to think.. what have I accomplished???? What will be remembered for my time on this earth? Will I be remembered? Im sure I will be..
But.. what do I want my memorial to be like?
I want a party!!!
Prop my dead ass up in the corner recliner, wearin' jeans/t-shirt.. throw on some sunglasses, and put a nice cold drink in my cold stiff hand... pull the keg outta the closet.. and put on some loud tunes.. I want everyone to rejoice.. that I came, I lived, I loved, and moved on..

But what am I moving on to? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?
Neither.. as Im not a believer.. once ya die.. you die.. and that's that..
my SNL (sis n law) is a believer..
She says I will go to Heaven.. but will I?
so.. here's what I came up with.. there has to be different stages to Heaven.
Because.. what about those of us.. who care, just not that much.. we kind to animals and the elderly. We dont steal, we dont kill, but yet we cuss, and have sex w/out marriage.
Well... we will get to heaven..
but instead of Heaven w/wings and halos'..
it's the servents entrance... but hey.. it's still heaven.. so all's well.

So.. when I die, I will be pulled from my death bed by a messenger of the higher power that is, given a number,and over the loud speaker.. we will hear
" Welecome to the last ride of your life... heading to your after-life, if your paper has a 1, please get off the elevator on Floor 1, servents entrance.. as you were semi good during your human existance.. you will now need to perform a number of tasks to be granted your wing's & halo's.. please step outta the elevator, and stand outside the puter gates... those with a 2.. .welecome to Heaven.. the pearly gates will be directly in front of you once the elevator doors open. Wings & halos are to the left. Thank you for riding the Everafter Express"

Im ok w/the servents quarter.. I mean hell doesnt sound like such a hot place after all.. get it.. HOT.. LOL.. I crack my ass up!!!
but hey... I look at it this way.. At least I get to taste the Philly Cream Cheese before I have to deliver it.. LMAO!!!!


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

5 yrs later - one day short

Im not a polital person. I have personal things in my life that keep me very busy and focused on. However, yesterday was a very sad day for our Nation. 9/11..... 5 years later
where was I?
Just rolling out of bed.. alarm clock goes off, and I hear... a 2nd plane has hit Tower 2...
moments after the first Plane hit Tower 1...
I race out of bed, and head to the TV to turn on the news.. and I sit and watch horrified at what is happening.
It takes me twice as long to get ready for work, and get the kids off to school as we are all mortified at what is happening to our Nation. Our country is under attack.

Work was null and void.. 400+ employees' sat mesmeriezed in the lunch room watching on television at the horror that was taking place...
Our President, our Leader.. was forced to leave where he was to take flight in Air Force One..
but the communication systems were down... not working appropriately.. do you think he felt helpless? I believe he did..
Cheney ok'd for any commercial flight to be shot out of the sky.. thank God that command did NOT float down to the fighter pilots in the air...

Millions of people were affected by that day 5 years ago.. Thousands of people lost their lives. I was affected. My children were affected. They were so young, they did not understand the why.. or who... I didnt understand the why or who.. but what I do understand is we couldnt just sit still and not do anything. To sit back and portray the message that we would allow for terrorist's to come into our Country and allow it to be blow apart, lives taken...Children lost their Mothers & Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Brothers, Sisters... We lost family memebers... We lost a piece of us...

I remember... and I bow my head, every night and I pray for those that have lost.. not only on 9/11 but for those that are out there fighting the fight to keep us safe.. War sometimes is the only answer.... and I will defend that until my last breath...
God Bless all our hero's... Our Nations Men & Women who put their lives on the line everyday to protect our land for our children, and our childrens children.


Monday, September 11, 2006


Who am I, you ask?
Day to day I still try to figure that out
I guard myself,
closer and closer every day
I do not trust well
Once I give myself
I give whole heart, mind, body & soul
hurt has been deliverd time and time again
and now there is a wall... bigger & stronger than any
ever built
very few have gotten thru..
those that have, are always cherished
and loved
I hide behind a wall of sarcasm & indifference..
but am I worth getting past?
I like to think so.. but, that will be up to you...
The bullshit needs to end..

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friendship's... counted on one hand

My father always used to tell me
" You can count the number of true friends you have, on one hand"
During my teen years, I always thought what did he know? He's just my dad... and knew NOTHING about being a teenager and growing up.

Then all the sudden, in my 20's I realized how intelligent my father really was.
Your true friends are the ones that you can count on for everything in life. Tho ones that will never judge you, never test you, always hold your hand (or your hair while your ill) will confide in you, and to whom you can confide in. The ones who have always been there, in good days and during dark clouds. Will love you, respect you, cherish you and support you.

But it was recently, that I truly found out who my real friends are. The ones that truly love, care, accept, respect... the ones that dont question my remarks, dont question my ideas, my thoughts, my attitude. They know why I am the way I am, they know WHO I am. I dont have to defend myself to them. They ACCEPT me.. for me!

The last few months, my eyes have been opened to those that I thought were friends. But come to find out, when I tried to share my feelings w/a few individuals that I felt our "friendship" was strained. I was informed... I was causing needless drama. WoW! Needless drama when Im trying to tell you, that I was hurt & concerned at the road our friendship was going down... ok... I have just a few words for you.
Take care, Good luck, and best of luck in all endeavors that you set out to achieve.
oh.. and one last thing.. Screw you! I will never again, bother you with my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Glad your there for everyone else.. and I apologize for ever wanting to be there for you. Guess we never had what I thought was a friendship. Your loss... not really mine. But thanks for stabbing me none-the-less....oh wait.. Needless drama.. My Bad!!!

To those that I count as my friends.. to those that KNOW me, inside and out.. to those that dont ever question who I am, or why I say some things.. thank you.. I love you.. and I appreciate you.
You are on one hand. And, No.. it's not just my middle finger... ;)


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Oh..the swirling smoke haze!!!

Day 23......

and still no smoking.. although I did lapse twice.. and that's because I had a drink or two..
and well..they kind of go hand in hand.. and all my friends smoke.. so it does make it a sticky situation..
however.. it killed my throat.. and I woke up the following morning w/one hell of a smoke hangover.. I felt like there was this HUGE smoke ball on my chest.

I am done smoking.. all in all, it has been pretty easy.. I still get the urge from time to time, but if I really think about it, my chest starts to feel heavy and I have trouble breathing.
I can almost walk up 3 flights of stairs w/out getting completely winded.

It's amazing... really really amazing... food actually tastes' different.. I never realized how salty some lunch meats and cheese's are.. and I cant get enough water.

Im not as bitchy... one friend told me that I am actually nicer now.. (WTF?) reason being, is because when I smoked, I didnt care what I said, how I said it, or who I ticked off... but since quitting smoking.. I am more careful now, because I can feel the little red demon floating around inside me waiting to be released.. and I wont allow the monster out!!! LMAO..

Thanks for the support everyone.. and yes..Im still employed.. amazingly enough, even after ripping my co-workers and my boss new asses!!! Cigarettes..nasty little drugs.. it was easier to kick my drug habits in high school!!! LOL..


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

quitting smoking

What in the hell was I thinking?
Quitting smoking is one of the harder things I think I have ever done.. ok.. well no..
there are some things in my life that have been harder..

Day 1
holy shit.. I thought I was gonna fuckin passout at my boss's fee... by 11am, I was dizzy/sweating/nervous/headache
my vision was blurred, my heart was pounding..all because I was "detoxing" my body of nicotine
what a nasty little drug... my hands were shaking.. I couldnt concentrate, all I could do was sit and think about how bad I wanted that cigarrette, that cool smoke sliding down my throat (as I smoked menthols)
I survived day 1...

Day 2
Stay the fuck out of my way!!!!
Im not in the mood for ANYONE's shit today
Im fuckin moody!!! and Fuck is my word...
I bit the heads off a number of co-workers today.. thankfully they all understand what I am doing and why I am acting this way.. they are being extremelly tollerant of my juvenile behaviour and the fact that Im slamming things around and saying Fuck it alot..
but FUCK!!!! Im full of nerves and energy and gawd who knows what the fuck else..
I just wanna pick a fight..
Luckily one of my co-workers made me take a long walk this afternoon with him.. so I could release some of my pent up frustrations.. that helped..

Day 3
It's the morning of day 3
Im feeling better..
What Im finding weird tho, is that Im having a hard time breathing.. why?
I cant catch my breath.. is it a panik attack?
is it the fact that my lungs are purging them selves from the tar pits that they currently are?
what? Anxiety attack? who knows..
The edginess is still there.. I can feel it just on the surface.. the little claws of evilness are slowly making their way around the edge and will shortly grasp it's pray and kill it.
Today hopefully will be a better day, but... luckily my co-workers and my family understand what Im going thru, this is not pretty..
Im going thru this w/a ton of gum.. and lots of coffee.. I will survive this.. it's time.. must quit.. for me.. for my kids.. for me.. for my kids..for me..for my kids

what the fuck ever.. I WILL DO IT!!!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Care free days...

Ok.. so the past is catching up with me...
I remember when life was all about being care-free and no worries..
and I remember when I was totally pissed because my father woulndt give me enough money to go school shopping, or to blow Friday or Saturday night when I went out with my friends. Now I sit back and get totally pissed, because I work my f*ing butt off and still have problems paying the bills, and yet they are always there.

What happened to the care-free days? You know, the days you could drink from the hose, or ride in the back of the pick up truck, or ride your bike down the street w/out worrying if you gonna get a ticket because you dont have on your helmet.
What about walking late at night to run over to your friends house, picking fruit off your neighbors trees and just eating it prior to washing it... or those fresh blackberries straight off the vine.. and cherries..mmmm... seems your not allowed to do that anymore..

Dating.. wow.. I miss dating, I dont date anymore.. why not? I want to date... I want a date.. I want those feelings of new realization... of getting to know someone, of learning new things w/someone.. of just being w/someone.. oh well.. someday..

I started thinking of my past, my teen years, and some of the things Ive gone thru. Most of it self induced. Would I change any of it? No, I dont believe so..mainly because I had a damn good time. Yeah.. I drank alot, and I got caught up in drugs.. and yeah.. I did those things because I wanted to fit in w/the crowd I was "hanging" with...but you know.. I enjoyed it.. I made some good friends... and I made some bad enemies.. but because of the things I did in my life, and the road that I have traveled down.. those things made me who I am today.
And even if I do say so myself.. Im a damn good/cool/hip/hop/happenin kind of bitch.. LOL.. ( did I really just write that?)

I went to a county tradition over the weekend.. and smacked myself directly into flashback mode.. the smells of the fair, the heat, the lake, the rides..everything.. all of it.. I even saw people from my past.. those that I wished to walk away from. Granted.. my town isnt small.. we have over 3k living here ( Im sure of it) and yet, it's a small town is so true! I ran into at least 6 people Sunday, in a 3 hr stretch from my druggin/drunken days.. and W.O.W. they are still druggin/drinkin.. do people grow up?

Anyhow....Im off for another vacation..I havnt taken so many vacations in YEARS!!!
Heading to Canada... will let you know how it went.. ta ta


Monday, July 24, 2006

Wow... I just read that..

And am I really that pathetic??

Yep..guess I am..

there is more to life than all the negatives I have written
I will expand on them tomorrow..

until then.. I leave you all with..

Nighty night!!!!

We have a theme

there seems to be a theme to this blog..
that would be the big "L" word..
yep..I question it on a daily basis, there are so many types of love.. love between parent & child, love between sibling's, love between friends, love between man & women, the love you feel for a beloved pet. Yes, Love.. it's a 4 letter word, yet, it has one of the most complex definintions known to man.

Webster descirbes Love as:
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
( A sense of underlying oneness.. hmm.. is that possible? can you truly be with another human and feel as one?)
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
( we go.. the emotion of sex and romance.. but.. just giving your body for some, does not equal love.. to some.. it's just an act.. just a "release" but it doesnt necessary mean, your in love w/that person)
Sexual passion. (Yep... again.. S.E.X.)
Sexual intercourse. (oh look..and again.. S.E.X.)
A love affair. ( A love affair... LOL.. damn.. an affair does not equal L.O.V.E... what does it truly equal though?)
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. ( yet another definition.. an intense emotional attachment... ah yes... I love my animals.. my friends.. my family... so forth

So.. again I ask.. what is it?
Mythology... is Love a Myth? Arrows of Cupid.. once shot by the arrow of Love.. you will feel it's power and the first person you see will be the true one.. the one you will feel that intense attachment to.. the one who will make your heart stop, drop to the pit of your stomach, then your heart starts again with that deep ragged breath, and beats and beats and beats, to the point where you think it's going to burst out of your chest until you feel that persons arms around you, lips to lips and carresses...can it happen?

I dont know what it is, I thought I found it once.. ok..maybe twice.. but did I? I found what I thought it was, I felt the beat of my heart everytime I looked at him, when ever he would put his arms around me I could feel the love pouring from his existence, from every pore, from all over, I felt like I belonged.. and then.. he was gone.

But was that true love? Was that what it should be?
I truly dont know anymore.
Yes I love my children.... with everything that is with in me.
I love my family...more than they can know (even if I dont talk to a part of them)
and I love those friends of mine that are there for me, and dont choose sides... and are actually the ones who love me unconcidtionally..they are far and few between...
but love w/a soul mate... yeah.. I suppose it could happen... and yeah.. I guess I have seen it happen.

Just not for me!


Friday, June 30, 2006

A Chair full of Bowlies

I dont have any idea how to start this blog, so many things running thru my head today, thoughts, feelings, mixed emotions I feel like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment.

Im lonely.. Im 33 fucking years old, and Im lonely. All my life consist's of, is work & home. My life revolves around my kids. It's always about them and their needs and their wants and what do I get in return for it? Nothing.. absolutely fucking nothing. and im tired.. tired of the same thing day in and day out. why cant I find someone.. or something that will occupy me.. Just ME.. not body else.. I need something for myself, everything is for someone else lately. The little master of the house or the little princess wanna be. All I know is what the fuck about me?
I sound so selfish, but is it a crime to want to be able to do for myself?

I miss having someone's arms around me, being able to cuddle up next to someone on the couch and just watch a good movie, or laying in bed in the warmth of someone else's body, feeling safe and content. I miss kissing.. I love to kiss.. I miss lips on lips, tongue to tongue, the forplay... sensuality.. all of it.... I dont want to just get laid.. to fuck to fuck.. but to belong to someone.. is that so bad?

And now for the poor me syndrome......
what is it about me that turns men off? Im not the hunchback of Notre Dam.. Im not homely, ugly, destitute or boring.. Im just me.. is it my harsh reality? Is it my attitude? The fact that Im a single mother of 2 kids? What? what in the hell is it? I am a strong women, and I wont put up w/peoples shit for long. I do hold a grudge, but.. Im loving, caring, kind and protective. Maybe it is must be me.. duh.. what was I thinking..

I hate people that are always so down and out and negative.. and guess what..Im being one of those people now... and I hate myself for that. I need to snap outta it and get my shit together and just deal.

I love my kids.. they are my life.. but they are life draining from time to time... nothing is about me anymore.. everything is about them.. and that is the way it should be.. and the way it will continue to be.. Im ok with that.. but I do need to bitch..and complain and feel sorry for me once in awhile, and that's what Im doing..

ok.. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July...


Monday, June 19, 2006

New Happenings & the demon

Some things new have happened...

We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.

Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.

Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?

No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!

I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.

Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"

Friday, June 02, 2006

Random voices within

Nothing to really report, sad isnt it?
It's funny how life throws you curve balls
what's even more amazing, is how a body knows when to duck and turn and slide to get the hell out of the way of those curve balls.

~ I really miss my dog. He was such a cool dog... we had gotten him from a friend of mine who had rescued him from an abusive home. At first, I was really concerned on how he would react to the kids and ferrett due to his mistreatment, but he turned into the biggest love bug that I had ever met in a Pit Bull. I have never been a Pit fan, due to their reputation, but one thing you have to remember is the fact that the majority of a dogs personality is in the handlers. Oscar loved to sit on my lap, sleep next to me on the bed. He was a lounger!
Im sorry my dear friend. I miss you, however Im glad you were killed instantly and felt no pain.
He looked up at me, with my hand holding his head, licked my palm and quietly went to the other side.

~ Why do we fall in love with those that can not return the love? What makes you attracted to those that are not good for you? Is it the fear of being alone? Or is it the thought that you can change someone for the better? Knowing full well that you should never try to change someone, you should accept and acknowledge that person for who they are. And yet... I continue to try to make them different? Is that fair to them? Is that fair to me? No... simply.. No... and yet I continue to do so. So how does one correct that? Im not sure.. but that brings me to another question.. what is love? Between a couple? What makes a person fall in love w/another person?
Maybe it's just me.. but when I think Im in love.. I tend to fall out rather quickly. I start to pick them apart, find everything I can that annoys me. Is this my way of ending a relationship before I end up getting hurt? Or is it because I just have no desire to really be in a relationship? Hmmm... things to ponder.

~ Am I a good mother? I love my babies with everything w/in me. I would lay my life down for them in a heartbeat. I do the most that I can do for them and give up so much of myself for them. And yet, I do yell, I do scream. Not the most pleasant mommy in the world. I rarely spank them, never slap them. I do tend to cuss.. (I know I know bad mommy!!! ) I go month's and months and months w/out new things.. just to provide for them. They are well rounded.. They are good kids (for the most part there are times when I just wanna lock myself in a room and never come out) But I look at some kids and realize that Im doing an ok job.. I could be a hell of alot worse. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how much they mean to me? Do they have any clue how their dis-respect from time to time kills me inside? It's just little things.. sometimes Im not sure if my voice is heard. I know it is... what am I asking here? yes I love my babies.. and they love me... it's tough being a single mom.. but you know.. I wouldnt change it for anything in the world. We have fun together.. somedays are trying..I wont lie.. somedays are great.. they are both coming into their own, and watching their little personalities shine thru is a wonder.
Yet is scares me.. I look at my son and realize that he currently the age I was when I walked down the wrong path in life.. It took me 7 yrs to straighten that path out. What will I do if he decides to follow my footsteps? How will I be able to save him? One day at a time.. just one day at a time. I hope I am instilling in both of my kids, the knowledge that I have gained thru out my years.

Oh there is more.. but I should really get to work now.


Friday, May 26, 2006

So many day's gone bye

Wow... havnt posted in a while
so many thought's running thru my troubled mind
just not sure where to start
I think of things and have beautiful post's written in my minds eye
and yet I go to put them on here and I go blank
I need to get paper and pen to jot down my thoughts
but would I understand them when I go back to read them?

Baseball season for my son is winding up. He's come so far
He pitched in last night's game, he has such beautiful strength and so much
power in his arm, he needs to learn to control it and to calm down. He puts
so much pressure on himself when he pitches...took him a few pitches to get the first batter out... .. 2nd batter up, 3 beautiful pitches and batter out!!!! 3rd batter, strike 1, strike 2, and damn, batter hit's 3rd pitch, pop up fly right in front of the mound... my son run's up, dives for the ball, and catches just before it hits the ground. It litterally brought a tear to my eye. Never have I been more proud of him. The stands went wild... people were standing and clapping and cheering!!! A very proud moment for him.. and for me...

Two more games for the girl child in soccer, she's doing well, not bad really for her first
"organized" sport. I dont think she realized how much running is involved w/soccer. She has made a few beautiful passes, she just needs to be a little more aggressive and not afraid to get kicked. Im so proud of her too.. she's come a long way since that first practice 2 months ago.

Other than that.. things are so ho hum right now.. between work, sports, homework, cooking, laundry (which is never ending) house work, and trying to get some me time. I have nothing overly exciting to report. Ho Hum.. another boring day in my life... its just over and over and over again.. mundane!!!

So, on to other things... (random finger thoughts here) Alot of thought going thru my head lately never sure how to express exactly how I feel, or what Im thinking and when I do try to express myself it seems that my words come out all jumbled and confusing. I have a lack of communication skills maybe. I either say it to blunt and hurt someone's feelings, or I just clam up and make a joke out of it. Either way probably isnt the appropriate way but hell, thats me, dont like it your problem not mine. But still there has to be a way that is more endearing or caring or whatever.

So my oldest dearest friend calls the other day and tells me she is sick of her husband. She wants to leave him.. ok I say.. where you going, who you staying with, when do you want me to help you move.... Now of course Im not going to make excuses for him, I will support her, as she has been my friend for 20+ yrs (damn that just dated me) he's much younger than she, she has one child from a previous relationship and then they have one together. The way he treats those kids differently really pisses me off. I understand one is his and the other isnt, and I understand that he feels intimidated by the oldest child I mean lets face it, he dropped out in 8th grade, can barely read or write, and the oldest is in 5th, and way to smart for her own good. I understand he is trying to prove his "maleness" in the house, but DAMN!!!!! dont be such an asshole!! He wont listen, all he does is yell, and when he drinks.. holy shit... instant Asshole, just add alcohol... I like him I do.. he has a place in my heart, he's a good guy, really he is.. but.. there are things that I do not agree with. I keep my mouth shut for the most part, until he says or does something to me, my kids, his oldest step child or to my friend... then, well.. the she-bitch is unleashed... so far, I have not gone off on himto terribaly bad.. but I can feel deep w/in me the day is coming. They will end up divorced because she is so much older and mature and he is still a young pup. I feel for her.. I really do.. I just wish she would realize that co-dependancy is a disease & hinderance.. and that her relationship w/her husband is jeopardizing the relationship w/her oldest.

Ok.. anyhow.. love.. what is it? seriously? 3 little words that have a very deep and complicated definition. I once thought I had found it, I once thought I knew what it ment. But that was a long time ago. Today, I dont have any understanding of it. I thought I was in love about a year ago. Then I realized I was in love w/the thought of being in love. Two very seperate things. So what is it?
Yeah..still dont know..
so.. I will leave you with that question today.. or tomorrow...or for whenever you come up with an answer. Let me know.. Im dying to find out!

Peace everyone

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Questions to Ponder

My last post was concerning my vacation...
and w/in it I stated that I am a supporter of the war.
For reason's of my own.

However a friend of mine posted a comment and had some valid questions
so Mason, I will answer your questions, if not just because you hold a special
place w/in my heart....

Mason's Comment:

You are a very strong a powerful spirit. Thank you Mason.. that means something to me.

But, why do you support the war? I feel that it is w/in our rights as the country that came under attack from some barbaric forces to defend what is ours.

If your son was old enough to be drafted, would you support it still? Well...that's a double edged sword isnt it. But yes.. I would...

Would you support him killing other people because they don't like us? They dont kill just to kill Mason.. they kill to survive, and to remove those on this earth that wish to do harm. There is a differance between a cold murderer and someone who is doing their duty

There are a lot of people that don't like America, but why waste our time killing them? Why do they waste their time in killing Americans? Why do they waste their time on raping and maming and wasting what God has given them?

I just don't see any love in wanting to kill or hurt anyone. There is no love in it.. except for the love of your country and your fellow Americans. Except for the love in wanting to protect what is yours and to make sure that what you leave behind is a better future and tomorrow for their children, your children, my children. To make sure that their is a tomorrow for everyone.

If you have to defend yourself, that is one thing. they are defending themselves, and they are defending you, your neighbors, those that fight do it for their own reasons. They are not doing it just for the hell of it... they do it because they believe in it.

But to go over to someone elses country and kill them becuase they don't like you, well, that doesn't sound to good to me.Do you know what I mean? But yet, they came over to our country, and killed us? So, for America to turn tail and run? No... I dont think so... what makes it ok for others to come to our country.. our land of the free... those of us w/in the USA that have given them jobs, education, freedom... and then for them to blow up our people? Does that make it ok?

War.What is it good for?Peace? Yes... overall the outcome should be Peace...but some things, do take time, tears & sweat.. it will NOT happen over night

Why can't we all live in it? Mason, honey.. there will never be peace.. never has been.. and it wont happen.. but, you must fight for what you believe in. Whether that be helping others, hugging a tree, developing the cure for uncurable disease, or going to war with those that threaten you.... it's the way of the world... deal with it!

But we can practice peace with our families and friends. Yes.. you are correct here.. practice peace w/in our families.. with our friends and strangers you encounter on the street... but DO NOT attack what is ours.. because if you do.. just as Toby Keith states.. We will put a boot in your ass!!!!

And respect those different from us. Did we ask them to come to our homeland and attack us? Like a load of chicken shits? come in the back door and blow us away? To kill 3000+ of our brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/grandchildren? No.. we did not. So to sit back and do NOTHING... is NOT the American way... we defend what is ours... we figth to maintain F R E E D O M!!!

There are going to be alot that disagree with me. And Im ok with that. That's one of the best things about America. We have the freedom of speech. We have the freedom to disagree and the freedom to free press. The freedom to be who we are. We are off all races.. all religions, all creeds.. America as a whole is one large melting pot of Human Beings...

That's my story.. and Im sticking to it!!!


Saturday, April 22, 2006

Vacation Come & Gone

Well we made it safe and sound from our vacation.
The wee ones and I left on the night of 4/9/06 returned on 4/17/06
Headed out for our first "family" vacation.
What an 9 yr olds first cross
country flight.. Left Seattle at 12:34 am (red eye flights)
of course our plane was suppose to leave at 11, and was delayed over an hr
mechanical problems and it had to return to Phoenix before coming to Seattle
yeah.. made me feel a little uncomfortable...but hell.. were still alive!!!
Landed in Philly at 8:01 am.. ( we were so tired)
had enough time to make our connecting flight.. and headed to Baltimore
Landed in Baltimore.. my Mommy picked us up..
and we were headed off to the land of the unknown

Of course, my Mom couldn't get that day off work, so she dropped us off at her
house for us to get some much needed rest and she was off to finish up her day.
Now, to remind you.. my kids are 9 & 12... they slept just fine on the plane, I on the other
hand did not (as I cant sleep on planes) so they were ready to go!!!
I wanted to just lay down, close my eyes, and call it a day...or night..or whatever...just let me sleep!!!
I finally threatened them w/in an inch of their lives and we all slept wonderfully for almost 3 hrs!!!!! YES!!!!

The next day... we were well rested and ready to go...
sight seeing is a work out on it's own. Especially in Washington DC during Spring Break,
and right after they had some rally for the new Imagratution Laws that are trying to be passed.
Im not even going to comment on that!!!
So.. quick rundown... we visited Washington DC, The Mall, which is the stretch from the White House to the Jefferson Monument.. or is it the Lincoln? Hmmm... the Smithsonian, saw the Declaration of Independence (my daughters Great Uncle signed it on her dads side... not sure what # of the Great Uncle is.. but he's on there)
Mt. Vernon, George Washington's house...
National Zoo in D.C.
Hershey, PA... huge amusement park
Vietnam Memorial
Korean Memorial
Arlington National cemetery...
this I will comment on.. as they had the most heart wrenching memorial for all the lives lossed in our current conflict: Iraq
Now... I am a supporter of the War... These men and women of our military all died doing what they believed in, supporting what they may/may not believe in..but I believe they did it for one reason and one reason only... Defending our country... and for that, I thank them
This memorial really pulled at my heart strings..for a few reasons, one.. Some were so young..
just barely 18, 19, 20.... and families that were left behind, loved ones lost.
There is one that is a picture w/in my mind, the picture of the Soldier who was killed, and attached to it, was a picture of his daughter resting her head against his tombstone, and on the back it stated.. " I miss you Daddy.. and I love you"
We have all lost loved ones.. but I personally have never had one "taken" from me in war or violence..just old age... and I have never lost a loved one at a really young age
Im not sure what Im really trying to say here... but.. Thank you to our Armed Forces for defending the U.S.A. without you Men & Women.. Im not sure what type of world we would currently live in.

Anyhow.. to move on...
a lot of sight seeing, a lot of walking, and ALOT of rude ass people...
I hate people.. and you get rude w/me or my kids.. better watch out..
cuz I will get ya back..

Im in need of another vacation now.. one that is mind numbing, and restful..Preferably w/out
the kids!

Later Taters... Peace

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Eye Candy

My son has discovered the opposite sex.

He has realized that women are not just there to take care of him
but that they are something to look at, admire, and dream about.
For example...
we were at the grocery store, and per usual I do the shopping as he sustains
himself in the magazine section, until he walks over to me and asks me for $10..
"for what" I ask him
"for a magazine" my loving 12 yr old says to me
"what magazine" I ask him
" just a magazine Mom" my loving 12 yr old says
" I understand its a magazine honey, but what magazine" I ask him
" Do you have to know everything, gosh, can I have my allowance early" my pre-puberty 12 yr old says to me
Then he looks at me, gives me the pitiful eyes and lower lip, and says...
"please Mommy"
Well what does a mother say?
What does a mother do?
I could put the law down and say HELL NO
or, I could acknowledge the fact that he is no longer a little boy
he is growing up. And if he doesn't get it from me.. he's gonna get it
from someone, somewhere...somehow..
Hell, his uncle has already taken him to Hooters
and taught him the true meaning of "Eye Candy"
and I have caught him surfing the internet looking at pictures
of nudity... (reminds me, I need to put those parental blockers up)

So, I bought my pre-adolescent, the swimsuit addition of Sports Illustrated
did you know Heidi Klum is just wearing paint???!!!!!
And I am acknowledging the fact that my sweet, loving, caring boy is turning slowly
into a man. And that I am getting old!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Old Memories = Good Times

Waking up this morning in my fogged sleep mind
bits and pieces of my dream started to come back to me,
I was dreaming about an old memory, back to the day I met
the first man I ever fell in love with. I was 16, well barely 16.
I met Jim, on a crisp fall day, after school, I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday
and he was almost 24. Most would say, he was a pedophilia. I say, he was gorgeous,
kind, sincere, sensitive, and well... the one.

He literally swept me off of my feet that afternoon, took my breath away, we talked
for hours sitting at the park, we laughed & talked and it was as if, I had known him for years.
As if, he had been waiting for me forever.
Ok, now at this young tender age, what did I know about love? What did I know about being a grown-up, about being mature? Well the nice thing about it, is I didn't have to be a grown up, I didn't have to act mature. He wanted me for me. He didn't expect for me to change, and he didn't try to mold me into something that I wasn't. He wanted ME... Not someone else.

Once he found out I wasn't 16 yet, he told me that we couldn't start dating until that point. Ok, but had I ever told him that we would date?
2 weeks later, the day before my 16th birthday, his best friend Mark walked up to me, asked me if the following day was my birthday, I said yes, and he stated to me... " Tomorrow, your Jim's new girl!"
No question, no comments, and so mote it be.
I was ecstatic!!! The day I had dreamt about... I belonged to someone...
Jim and I started dating, and everything was great, he treated me like a queen
he placed me on a pedestal, and lavished me with small gifts, his laughter, his friendship
his trust. In return, I gave him everything I could, including my heart, my soul.. my all!!!

Jim and I dated off and on for almost 3 years, we had our bumpy roads, we had some of the best memories that I hope to never forget.
Now, my teen years were very turbulent.. As you have read from my first posts... I actually left home starting at 14 off and on till I was 18, I had some great times, some really scary times, and some really depressing times. But the 3 yrs I spent w/Jim.. were some of the happiest, and most highest times Ive ever had!

Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Jim was never far from my thoughts. Always a reminder of my youth and you never truly forget your true love.

I ran into him when I was about 27, years after he and I had gone our seperate ways. We rekindled a bit of the old magic, but then I realized that he wasnt truly the "one" but more along the lines of an old flame w/in my heart that would not go out. We seperated our ways and moved on in life, then when I was sitting at home one evening, I got a call from an old friend who I used to spend alot of time with, and recieved the bone chilling words that I will never forget.
"Are you alone? Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I dont know how to say this. But Jim was found yesterday morning, and he's dead."
I sat on my couch, listening to the T.V. and looking out the sliding glass doors, the rain was falling, the wind was blowing the sun was setting in the sky. And at that moment, a piece of me died w/him. A vision I will never forget, a screen shot w/in my mind of time standing still
Tears ran down my face, and scenes of yester-year flashed back like an old movie reel.
Things I had forgotte, or thought I had, remembered. Never forgotten

Memories are best never to be forgotten. He will never be lost, as long as I remember.
The laugh
The touches
The siren
The love

Forever and always James... you will always be close to my heart
and forever remembered.