Thursday, April 26, 2007

What an ASS!!!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where: :) means a smile
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
Well, how about some "A$$ICONS?" Here goes

(_!_) a regular a$$

(__!__) a fat a$$

(!) a tight a$$

(_*_) a sore a$$

{_!_} a swishy a$$

(_x_) kiss my a$$

(_X_) leave my a$$ alone

(_zzz_) a tired a$$

(_E=mc2_) a smart a$$

(_$_) Money coming out of his a$$

(_?_) Dumb A$$

hahahaha.. just wanted to share some of my ass with you..

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It's another day in the week

I skipped out on Friday.. not from work.. but from blogging..
work has been so caotic, that I swear my boss has her boot up my ass.. because work is a total pain in my ass!!!!

So.. just a brief memory...

I started babysitting when I was about 12, probably rather young to be watching other peoples kids.. but it was a way for me to earn extra money... or to get my drugs...
I was introduced to pot around the same time.. I keep trying to remember what got me started into my corrupt world.. and for the life of me, I can not honestly remember.
It could be this reason, or that reason, or this time or that time... in all honestly I think it's a whole mess of cluster fucks that got me started on my down hill spiral.

S met this lady, I have no clue where nor can I remember her name at the moment..nor can I remember her kids name... but I remember her boyfriend.. and you will understand why.
Anyhow.. S met this lady, who loved to drink and smoke a whole lotta Mary Jane... she called S up one day and asked if there was a possibility of her babysitting her two young kids.. I remember there were 2.. a toddler and a baby... S's mom said that she couldnt go alone, so.. low and behold, S and I went to sit on a couple of snot nosed brats.

The wee ones were in bed when we arrived, (oh.. I just remembered her name.. the lady who we baby sat for.. Sandy!!!! LOL the memory is a weird thing) anywho....
so.. like I was saying, we arrived her wee one's were in bed, she heads off to do some drinking w/her friends, informs us that her boyfriend will be home around midnight but he will just go to sleep and she will take us home when she get's home around 2ish... uh huh...
around midnight, the boyfriend shows up.. S & I are sitting in the kitchen playing some card game (as there was no tv) and I look up and see this old grizzly looking guy standing in the doorway.... just standing there... staring at us.. w/this cocky little smile on his face...

That moment will be etched in my memory forever... he finally introduces himself as Wayne.. walks over, grabs a beer from the fridge, offers S and I one.. sure what the hell.. pulls up a chair.. sit's down and pulls out a pipe and his pot.. proceeds to load a bowl hands it to me... now.. so what does a girl do.. she smokes it.. and that pipe was passed between the 3 of us for ever... and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. I was so ripped I fell off the chair.. and laughed and laughed.. Wayne picked me up.. and sat me on his lap.. and we laughed.. and laughed and laughed.. but people.. nothing happened... I know what your all thinking.. but no..
he was a pervert.. there's no doubt about that.. but he never touched us in an inappropriate way... he just got us drunk.. and got us high.. would rub our backs, our thighs, I suppose looking back on it now... he was "grooming" us.. but.. nothing ever happened....

That night was the beginning of many many nights... it got to the point where they stopped paying us in $$ and started paying us w/drugs... to watch there kids.. who were always in bed by the time S and I got there. Sometimes, we would use the excuse that we were babysitting, just to go over to Sandy & Wayne's when the kids werent even there. They were at their fathers, but Sandy/Wayne would let us come over and we would invite our boyfriends over while they were gone.. Wayned always came home before Sandy.. and he would sit around w/us and drink and get us high..

Then one day.. Sandy decided that S & I werent allowed to babysit anymore.. seems her and Wayne had a huge fight over us... Wayne told her that he enjoyed our company more than hers.. and she didnt take kindly to it.. We had been babysitting for them for almost 2 yrs... things never got out of hand.. we were always in our own beds by morning.. we never allowed Wayne to touch us inappropriately.

Looking back, I suppose we should of never gotten in those car's with those drunken, high, out of control people.. but at that young stupid age, what did we know? All we knew was that it was a way to get high, to get out of our house's... to see our boyfriends.. to do what we wanted to do.

Stupidity....... at such a young age..
If I could.. would I go back and change anything? No.. I dont think so, I was one of the lucky ones I came out of all the bullshit alive, and with my eyes wide open.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Young Lady.. Put that down!

Ive been sitting here racking my brain on what to post about..
There are a ton of memories.. but.. which ones do I post about?

So.. I have decided to write about the lake, being drunk, broken beer bottles, and the Police.

Where to start......
Cast of Characters
Some other gals that I cant remember who the hell they are.
OPD - coppers!!!

Louise Lake - Washington

We all arrived in our seperate POS vehicles (piece of shits).... I believe at the time I was just barely 16, I had a job that I rarely showed up for, seems I was always ill for some reason or another. We arrived at the lake farely early, around 10 am. Ready and raring for the fun to begin. The 5th's of alcohol started being passed, the pipes were pulled out, the pot started smoldering. By 12:30 we were all toasted... gone.. laughing, pushing each other in the lake, some were wondering off behind tree's and getting their freak on, S was breaking empty beer bottles on large rocks... (that's how we got caught)

As I sat on a log, over looking the lake, I picked up a 5th of Jack and heard a twig snap behind me, I didnt think much of it, as I brought that 5th up to my lips I hear "Young lady, put that down!" I slowly turn, as if Im in a dream and see our town's finest in blue standing there. Hand on his gun, ready to draw.... so.. I slowly put the bottle down.. raise my hands up, cuz hell I didnt wanna get shot... stood up, turned around.. he took one look at me.. and knew who I was.

Officer: Your so & so's daughter arnt you?
Me: maybe
Officer: Where's S?
S: Im here (as she comes out from behind a tree)

= side note.. S's mom was the Sheriff's secretary.. so they all knew her.. knew me as my father know's EVERYONE!!!!

Officer: (looking around.. ) Sir.. please come here (talking to Jim)

Jim that dumb fuck drunk/stoned jumps into the lake and attempts to swim to the other side.. that didnt work out to well for him, he headed back to shore, comes out of the water, I remember looking at him coming out of the water thinking to myself.. that's my man.. he's mine.. what a GOD!!!! (pathetic now) anyhow...
he was arrested for contributing to minors, handcuffed, thrown into the back of the cop car, so was Wally, Mark, Scoot, Dex on outstanding warrents.... S & I.. well..
they called my father.. and my loving father told them to throw my ass into Juvi... he didnt know what to do with me anymore.... they called S's mom.. and she said she would come pick both of us up..

She showed up shortly there of.. put us into her car (as we were sitting in a cop car waiting for her) took us back to her house, informed us to pack our belongings as she was taking us on a 20 mile over night hiking trip. The biggest mistake she made, was she left and headed back to work! I remember after she left, S & I looked at each other.. said HELL NO.. packed our belongings alright.. but we hightailed it outta there and headed out to find our "friends"

Amazingly enough... we located everyone.. for whatever reason they let everyone go.. no charges were pressed, we got down to our home away from home - the White house - and there sat Dex, Scoot, Mark, Wally... however.. Jim was nowhere to be found..
He had been released, but he disappeared from the jail and noone had seen him.
We went about our partying ways that night... and the next day...
Jim finally showed up.. smelling clean, freshly shaved, washed clothing... but where was he?
He had a bout of conscious so he said.. he said that when he watched me being handcuffed and put into the back of a cop car he realized this was no life for he and I. When he got released he went to friends house, cleaned up and found a part time job. He wanted us to be together forever he said.. and the only way he could see that happening is if he finally got a job and was able to provide for me.
Little did I realize he went thru my belongings that night.. and threw away my birthcontrol pills. He thought that if I were to get pregnant that would be a sure fire way for he and I to be together forever.

I remember him saying to me...
"I want to know what forever is"

I was home w/in 2 weeks of that adventure.. only for a brief stay... to get cleaned up.. wash some clothes.. get some $$ and then I was gone again.. onto my next wild adventure..
each adventure was always with the same people... they were my friends.. my confidents, my allies... they had my back, I had there's.

15 yrs later.. S and I are still the best of friends.. but we have both grown up so much.. Jim has passed away.. Scoot & Dex grew up and have families and are doing well.. Mark & Wally - who were brothers.. I have no idea what happened to them. John.. disappeared.. Tonya.. I hear she's still a strung out mess.

It amazes me how people can continue to live like that. How they can continue to be strung out, living just for the high. What about growing up? What about moving forward in life? What about your children? What about yourself?


Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The big pond in the sky

Bitchy Big Hair has left this world and moved onto the big fish pond in the sky.
I mean.. it was time.. I know that.. he was over 4 yrs old, and normally Betta's dont live that long. How he made it that far I will never know... but... so long my little blue fishy friend. I will see you in another life.

Other than that.. I feel like crap... nasty ass crap in my nose, moving to my chest, causing coughing spells, sinus headaches, running down the back of my throat, into my tummy.. which in turn is causing nausea... oh yeah.. I feel great!!!!

Whatelse.. Oh..I started the Atkins diet.. last week.. figured I will loose some damn weight before the Do Wa... ( large biker gathering in July) I will loose at least 20lbs by then.. so anyhow.. started last week.. Ive lost at least 6 lbs so far.. so cross your fingers.. as soon as this fucking cold goes away I will get back to the gym too!!!

Ok.. I didnt post on Friday due to this cold, I ended up leaving work early.. so.. I will double up my Friday post this friday.. gotta sit down and think about some juvenile shit that I did... hahaha...

Peace..Im off to the drug store.. must buy drugs!!!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Feelings.... nothing but feelings...

Tuesday afternoon, the sun is shinning, I hear the lawn mowers out side
the wind is a bit chilly.

I have nothing to write about. Im full of so much doubt lately. My negativity has blossomed to the point of hatred. I hate those around me, I hate myself and I need to change that. Was it the dull days of winter that brought about all the self pity and gloom? Is it all that winter fat that I have gained? What is it? Why have I become so negative? My life isnt bad. It's not perfection either, but hell.. after all the things Ive been thru, all the roller coaster rides Ive put myself thru.. I have survived.. and I will continue to survive. Maybe the difference now is the fact that I have two small wonders looking up at me looking for direction, council, guidance, & love.

Part of me feels so empty and hollow, like I have nothing more to give. I have nothing more to state, nothing to feel, that part wants to curl up and just wither away. To be left alone. Allowed to wallow in my gloom and self doubt, and yet there is a larger part of me that wants to break free, be recognized, loved, cherished, accepted. I want to dance and scream at the top of the mountain.. but if I do dance and scream what will the village people think? Will they laugh and point and call me names? Will I be forced to run away? Why do I care what others think of me?

Their is anger too, simmering under the surface like a caged animal. I can feel it attempting to lash out, it takes all my strength to keep it rained in. Why is it so powerful? The red hues' are on the fringes of my vision. The anger will cut and tear pieces of me away. To the point of mass destruction. It will wreck havoc among those not able to with-stand the evil. Lashing out until there is complete caos. Then what? What will become of those around me if I allow it to escape? Currently it's festering, and will boil over at any time.

Then what?
What now?
What will become of me?