Monday, November 02, 2009

Lack of want

Lately it’s been abnormal to see a smile on my face, life has been so crazy busy, hectic, stressful, dull, annoying and well pissy!
That when I do actually have a smile on my face people tend to wonder what I am actually up to. I hate to sound like a broken record and I’m most positive that I’m not the only one w/in this great big world of ours that is not having a great 2009. I’m truly hoping for a bright 2010.

But lately, life has been full of one big disappointment after another.

My kid’s fathers… huge disappointments in the Daddy arena. They just can’t seem to pull their heads outta their asses to step up and do what needs to be done to take care of their half of the responsibilities. My son’s father blames it all on me.. I left him, so therefore it’s all my responsibility. My daughters father… well… I don’t even know where to begin there, so let’s just suffice it to say that it’s most important for him to either impregnate as many women as possible or smoke up his entire life.
Im telling ya, I sure do know how to pick them!

But lately… there has been very little to smile about. My kids make me smile. Even if they are teenagers, and are slowly driving me drink (kidding I don’t drink anymore than normal) I’ve been really sick… the plus side of being sick is that I’ve pretty much kicked the smoking habit. Although I’m not saying I’m a non-smoker. I’m just saying... I haven’t had one for a week now because I’ve been so sick and I do not even desire one. So that’s a plus.

I met someone who makes me smile.
It’s all about the person’s personality.

I adore his personality.
He makes me laugh
He makes me smile
He makes me feel
He makes me happy

I don’t want to feel, be happy, laugh or smile

Because when it all goes away what are you left with?


I can’t go there again

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The teen years can suck my dick!!!

This sucks! I can not remember a time in my life where I have ever felt like my kids have been so out of control.

The teen years. Yes.. the dreaded awful teen years!
I'm surprised the fire department hasn't appeared at my home more often with all the smoke rising from the rafters - due to my head exploding.

Where to begin?
The boy child... holy wow.. he's almost 16 -sophmore in High School - 3 months shy of driving privileges - however his attitude and grades are stopping him from ever receiving his right to drive under my roof. Yet, he continuously bugs me about letting him drive. I say "I'm sorry, you have no permit to drive"
Do you know what happens next?
That's right - I get called names. I'm the most uncool Mother in the world.
The unfairness of it all!
Im told Im unfair - Im making stupid rules - his friends are allowed to drive (oh wait THEY have permits)
Needless to say.... he hates me...
He seems to have forgotten also the fact that he lives there too - he can make any mess he wants and yet he doesnt have to clean it up. No picking up after himself - no dishes - that he can come and go as he pleases - I ask him to do something I get the response "I'll do it later" but amazingly enough Later never seems to come.. it's more along the lines of NEVER - and now he also seems to think that he doesnt have to do homework.

The girl child - I cant deal with hormonal tween girls - she's going to be 13 - in just over 2 weeks she will be 13 - I think she has been possesed w/the demon from Emily Rose... she is going to cause me to commit random acts of violence. D R A M A!
Holy shit.. Ive never seen so much drama in my life - everything is a catastraphe - everything is an emergency - everything is all about her.. right at that moment..and all moments inbetween!
Her life is her friends & her cell phone.
She seems to think it's ok to talk to me any damn way she feels is necessary to get what she wants.

Ive had enough!
Im going to loose it!
Im regaining my home!
Im regaining myself!

I have informed my children that Im not here to be their friend.
Im here to be their parent and to make sure that they make it to the age of 18 w/good solid fundementals under their belts and hopefully smart enough to make some good choices in their lives.
But - until that point moment and time.. IM IN CHARGE!

the teen years... can suck my DICK!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


Sometimes life just throws you a ton of lemons, what you decide to do with those lemons is what becomes important. Ive been so pissy & unhappy lately, that I finally decided to turn those lemons into some sweet adult beverages... a little lemonade w/a splash of vodka.. num num num!!!

Things are going well, I mean I didnt win the lotto or anything and money is extremely tight at the moment. So tight that Im going to make it even more tight and put myself on one hell of a budget that will not be ignored.. time to pull myself outta this mess that Ive put myself into... wish me luck!
BUT... there are no men troubles taking place.

Im content.. for the first time in quit awhile, Im finally content.
What else can a girl ask for?
Well, except for a really good vibrator since there are no men in her life that will take that edge off.

So, other than that, I have no reason to complain.
Kids are back in school
Im still employed
I love my job once again
All's good in my corner of the world.

Let the fun times begin!!!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Walls erected!

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself into situations that I know will cause me more harm than any good.

There is a defective part in my mind and heart that causes me to make poor decisions.

To sit back and think that people do actually change for the better.

What I need to realize and remember is that people don’t change for the better, very often. They just rearrange their spots – so that it becomes harder to identify who they once were and who they have become.

Sometimes listening to the words of someone, wanting so much to believe what is being said, but knowing deep down in your heart or hearts it’s all such crap.

Believing the words of one can make you such a fool.

I am that fool

It is for the best that I do not allow myself to be caught up

It is for the best that I allow the distance and take that stance that has kept me locked up and secure.

I can not allow myself to be caught up in the empty words & promises of someone who has lies so easily fall from their mouth.

I must remember what has happened & the pain it has caused. Regardless of the apologies and the begging of forgiveness

I can not put myself through the pain & sorrow and helplessness that caused me to travel a path that I was lucky to pull myself free from.

You can love someone with everything you have but you can not ever be with that person. There is no life together, no tomorrows, and no dreams of a future.

All I have is what I have gained through the road that I traveled, it is mine and I am a stronger person because of choices that I have made.

I had to close myself off to the promises of tomorrow. The hopes and dreams that once were in my thoughts are no more. The door was slammed shut many times over. Those hopes and dreams will not come true, not the way I once wanted them. The walls that have been erected will not come down easily if ever. This is my choice – however there are leaks and I must fortify what is seeping.

This is the choice that I make. For my own self preservation.

Right or Wrong? I do not know… but it is what gets me from day to day to concern myself with only those that matter. My kids…

They are my all... My reason for closing myself off from outside influence.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Got a lightbulb?

I started dating someone, actually he was my FB for years.

Once all the nightmare washed away I ran into him one evening and we reaquinted ourselves.
I can honestly say it was the best sex I have had in a very long time.

So, there are a few dilemma's with this situation. Which isnt there always, I mean, when Im involved there is always some form of drama or dilemma

1) He loves me - he told me so, said he has missed me
2) I realized Im in love with him
3) He refuses to be in a committed relationship with me - I hurt him by moving on w/someone else regardless of how bad it turned out, he's hurt - Im sorry for that
4) He's moving - in about 6 months - a few hrs away

I finally told him that I need more. Want more, he's not willing to give it to me so why should I continue to become more attached and keep wanting and longing when what I want isnt going to happen?

After all the bullshit Ive put myself through these last few months, I thought there was finally a light at the end of my tunnel of hell that I created for myself. That light is slowly dimming. Its ok, I know it will become a 100 watter soon, I just gotta get a little bit closer to screw that damn thing back in.

Forgive me while I sit in the darkness for awhile. It's kind of cozy here, besides it keeps the heat out!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Just checking in...

I'm OK

Thank you for every one's concern

It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.

As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.

I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs

What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?

How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!

He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.

He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.

I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"

Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!

My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!

They are my life
My reason

I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Suicide is so final

My mind is in a fog yet the I'm riding the anger train, I think I will be riding it for a very long time.

How could he?!
Put myself through the that hell, and put my children at risk?
Who the hell does he think he is?
Is life so not worth living and so very bad that popping those pills chased w/a 1/2 gallon of your favorite beverage is worth the end result?

If I hadn't of found him, what then?
Was it truly a cry for help?
Or was it truly an end that he wished for?

What if my children had been there?

Why? Seriously why?

I'm exhausted...emotionally & mentally exhausted.
I cant take much more
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I being non-caring, cold, heartless?
Maybe...but I must be this way
I have lives depending on me

Your still alive
Now, find someone else to torment...
Leave me the fuck alone.
I'm done!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Just stamp my forhead **VOID**

There is a void in my life.
What that void is I haven't figured out

I'm slowly going through the motions of just living
I get up, I go to work, I go home, I cook dinner, I do laundry, I go to bed
day in...
day out...

My life has taken on a series of nothingness
Its a mixture of

How does one pull away from the blah's?
How does one know if they are in love or not?
I suppose if you have to question it, you arnt... but.. ????

I feel like I'm nonexistent - like people don't truly see me, am I so ordinary that I'm voidable?

damn it!

Im not liking this alot..
wow.. seriously?

I need to go find some excitment..

Any suggestions?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

An era come and u rememeber?

You could hardly see
for all the snow,

Spread the rabbit ears
as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the
TV set,

'Good Night, David.

Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut
chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost
hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli

Almost all of us would
have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone
would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not
PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in
gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an
option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than

Speaking of school, we
all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in
detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had
horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was
supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of

I just can't recall how
bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270
digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where
was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I
could have been killed!

We played 'king of the
hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when
we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked
it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of
antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a
horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the
neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked
there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds
from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop,
just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our
house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a
goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a
single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so
duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?


Friday, June 12, 2009

Summer is coming

Hi all,
Only 3 more school days left, then summer officially begins. My son actually obtained a babysitting job for the summer, it's only 4 hrs a day, but he will be raking in a whole $100 a week!!! That's a lot of cash for a 15 yr old. Oh the plans he already has for that money. New IPOD, new bike, clothes, a new cell phone. Oh wow.. I can already hear it

"Mom, can you pay half and I'll pay half"
"Mom, I swear I will pay you back"
"Mom, P L E A S E!!!???"

It will be a great lesson in money management for him.

My daughter already has a part time job working for a professional dog handler. Her first work weekend is next weekend. She doesn't get paid alot, but she gets about $50 or so a weekend.. that's alot of money for her.. hell she's only 12.

The girl child graduates from 6th grade on Tuesday... moving on up into the great big world of Middle School, the drama is already surrounding her so much so that I cant keep up. What amazes me is how many friends that girl has. Especially because she's so dang bossy. Controlling, argumentative and well, she's kind of a bully... hey I can say that she's a mini me... ;)
But I swear there are always kids at our house, staying the night or just always there! There's even a boy that hangs out ALL THE TIME..... he seems like a good kid and he minds his manners.. I actually think he's in "like" with my daughter but luckily she has no desire to have a "boyfriend" she says their just good friends.. believe you and me though, I do not leave them alone for any point and time!

The boy... he's starting to run with an interesting group of kids. I cant tell him who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. I remember when my father used to pull that on me and all it would do would push me closer to those kids that he didn't want me to associate with. So I just told Wanna-be-man-child that he needs to watch his back and always keep his head about him. Of course this did make me pull the reigns in a little tighter and now he has an earlier curfew and his time is limited with these friends......

Other than that...
I'm going to go get my endorsement so I can start riding... I'm ready to hit the open road with vibrations between my legs and the wind in my hair. A few of my other friends are in the process of getting their motorcycle endorsements and that way this summer we can all hit the open road and ride ride ride!!! Woo Hoo!!! I'm really looking forward to that!

Nothing overly exciting on the man front. I'm in blah blah land.. not in the mood for much of anything.... even satisfying myself isn't satisfying.. what the hell is wrong with me?

Well.. on that note.. I'm out...

Friday, May 29, 2009

Grammy - Always and Forever

Sometimes in life you are blessed not only to have the unconditional love of your parents.. but to have the unconditional love of a Grandparent.

I was blessed. My Grammy lived with us, she spent the majority of her time with us in our home, with the occasional trips to Minnesota - to spend time with other relatives. I was her baby girl.. not her first grandchild, nor her first Granddaughter.. but.. out of the 4 Grandchildren she was blessed with, I was one of her favorites.

Our home was less than a block away from the elementary school that I attended, Grammy would meet me at the local city bus stop after school - and we would jump on the city bus and head off to our daily ritual. She knew all the bus drivers by name, they all adored her. She was 5'4 - striking red curly hair and maybe 100lbs soaking wet. Full of piss and vinegar. Had the laugh of angels & the tongue of a sailor! She was my everything... I valued her more than my own Mother.

We would ride the bus to the local Woolworth's - where they still had a soda fountain in the store, I was allowed to have some form of sweets, as long as I didn't tell my Mother, while Grammy sat there drank her coffee and had her allocated 2 cigarettes. She always told me, This is a bad nasty habit little one - do not ever do as I do! - I realize now, so many years later, this was Grammy's way of 'hushing' me up...hehehe..she was a sneaky little gal!

Since I had my sweets & Grammy had her bad addictions, she would make us walk the 5 miles home instead of catching the bus home. We were always home in time for dinner, during the day while us kids were at school Grammy would bake some treat for desert. Homemade Blackberry cobbler/pie, Rhubarb/Strawberry pie, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread whatever tickled her fancy during the day. Something.. always.. every night.

As I got older and more independent our time was cut less and less. I got so selfish... Never did I realize that I would loose her so early in life.

By the time I was 12 - the Alzheimer's started to rear it's ugly head. Small bouts of dementia, forgetfulness, my parents were going thru a nasty divorce and little did anyone realize how bad Grammy was getting until we received the call in the middle of the night from the local police department stating they had picked Grammy up for trying to break into another house.

You see, Grammy was getting so bad that I think we were all so caught up in our own misery, we were all being so self-absorbed, not caring about anyone else.
I was starting to experiment with drugs. My Mother was lost in her own misery. Grammy was left to fend for herself.

She was diagnosed shortly there of. Alzheimer's. It's hard as a family to pull together when something so drastic is handed to you. Your hear of other people going thru these issues with in their families, but you honestly think never in your family. Things like that happen to other people. But never you.

There were calls a few times a week from the local police dept, they had Grammy in custody because she had escaped the house, would walk the streets late at night, find a house that she thought looked familiar and would attempt to enter. Luckily.. it was the same house every time, and luckily the police and the homeowners were very understanding. We had to provide the local police dept with decaf-coffee to give to Grammy when they picked her up and they always told us the same thing... She's a delight.. she would sit and talk to all those "fine young men" and flirt and tell her stories. In Grammy's mind.. even though she was in her 80's..she honestly believed in her mind she was in her mid 20's.

Mom had to re-locate for her job to Southern Cali... I decided to stay in Washington because by this time I was 15 - and a full blown drug addict. I stayed behind to live with my Father and Mom and Grammy moved.

Mom and I lost touch over the years, due to me being so strung out and not caring about anyone or anything but myself. I believe I visited my Mother once after she moved. The 2 weeks with my Mother and my Grammy broke my heart. Grammy was in an adult daycare center and home in the evenings, Mom had to literally lock Grammy in the apartment at night, disconnect the stove and remove anything that would harm her.

It got to the point that Grammy had to be placed in a full care facility.
As the years progressed and the disease set in further and further.. her body started shutting down.. she was bed-ridden and gang-green set in... they amputated her left leg before it spread...

I received the phone call from my Mom when I was 17 the Dr's were giving her 72 hrs - if that, her vitals were slowing down.
I drove 12 hrs straight to say my goodbyes...
I walked into that care facility, headed down the long corridors, looking at other patients and thinking how I never want to live like this. All these people that I'm sure have wonderful stories to tell, families somewhere but probably don't get enough visitors...
As I walked those halls, I couldn't stop, I walked right by her room and just kept walking, I could not face her. I was not prepared at all to see how she looked

When I finally gained the courage to walk into her room at the nursing home..My Grammy was not who was laying in that bed, the skeleton of someone else was there, her eyes were vacant, that vibrant perfect red hair was stringy & gray..gone was that twinkle.. that smile.. those words of encouragement.

Who laid there, was someone I didn't look at the women who laid there, and you could tell, this was someone who was wanting to say her goodbyes... but was being forced to live, not on her own will either.

I lifted her frail hand.. kissed her cheek.. and told her I loved her... she turned her face towards me.. and said my name. I cried. Ive heard it said that Alzheimer's patients right before death come back to the present. They know who is around them, they know what is going on. I don't know if that is true. But Grammy knew me.. she hadn't known anyone for many years. My Mom was her sister. My oldest cousin was my Grammy's niece not Granddaughter and when I had visited her years before I was my cousin.

She hung on for the 2 days that I was there. We talked.. like the old days from so many years before. I was 6 yrs old again.. My Grammy was taking me to Woolworth's to the soda fountain for my sweet treat while she had her 2 cigarettes and her cup of coffee....

She remembered me. She knew exactly who I was. I would sit there, tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. She would tell me she loved me and to be a good girl, and she told me that she would always be watching over me.

The day I had to leave... she grabbed my hand and said
"It's time baby.. I love you always and forever"

I drove home that afternoon.... I got the phone call the next morning
Grammy was gone

I named my daughter after her and I honestly believe that Grammy is there.. my daughter has her eyes.. that twinkle... and that piss and vinegar...

She's watching over me
I do hope I have made her proud!

I love you Grammy... Always and Forever

Monday, May 18, 2009


The weather in the great Puget Sound was absolutely beautiful this past weekend...
I enjoyed the sun so much that my wee little nose it sun burnt.. What is it about fresh air, sun and the vibrations of a Harley between your legs that makes you so sleepy?

I attended the Port Townsend Rhody Festival this last weekend.. w/some dear friends..nothing like camping near the Puget Sound, bar-b-queuing, sitting around doing shots of Fireball, Slippery Nipples..have a few Rum n Cokes...and hearing the occasional sound of a well tuned bike rev it's engine. Ah... music to the ears!

Makes me realize how much I love the great outdoors, well, when it's not raining anyway, and believe me this part of the region gets plenty of rain so when the sun comes out, people that you didn't even know existed come out of the wood!

This weekend made me realize how much more I would appreciate the summer months if I could ride myself. Don't get me wrong I do love to sit astride a bike, enjoying the ride w/out a care in the world. But, I think I would enjoy it that much more if I was in control of the bars.. cruising the road w/all that power between my legs... oh yeah.. the power what an aphrodisiac!

Yes.. I am ready for the summer to come, I'm ready to enjoy my time... and Riding free!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Im a little birdie.. free...

The talk came after an akward evening where I spent my evening drowning my unhappiness in double rum n cokes w/a lime...

I probably consumed my own bottle or Bacardi, how I do enjoy a good rum!
The text messages started filtering in around 11 or so, to the tune of poor me, whoa is me
so forth and so on.

Im not a cheater... I have never cheated on my significant other.

I was ready to go out and find some random man, and have my way with him.....
just to prove a point!

The messages started flying even quicker... one right after another, they ranged between two emotional sets, Anger & Pity

I came to some realizations that night, standing outside a bar, talking to some strange guy about all the going on's in my home.

Im not happy
Im not attracted to him
I need a MAN! not a whinny ass little boy

So, the talk came finally...
needless to say....
This little free... free... FRRREEEEEE!!!!!!

Time for me to call my booty call.. woop woop!!!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Food for thought.. or is it stuck in my teeth?

So.. he's here, that long lost love of mine from many many years ago.
Arrived a few months ago, and I can honestly say... I don't like it!

I don't like it one bit.

I miss my freedom, that's what this all boils down to.
I miss my freedom. My freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.

Selfish? Probably
Do I care? Not at the moment

I'm at a loss of what to do. He's an OK guy, but I honestly think it all boils down to me getting this assumption that things would be great, putting so much expectation on what was, what could be and not really thinking the whole big picture through. He gets along with the kids OK. There have been a few rough patches but it's getting better. He gets along great with the dogs, I suppose that's a plus. However, it's been just over 3 months, and still unemployed. I'm starting to feel as if he's just here to live off of me. Yes, I have had this talk with him already, I laid it all out for him. My feelings, my thoughts.... he swears he's not a mooch..all he wants is happiness. But, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the last 3 weeks, and it's slowly getting worse.

What do I do now? He has nowhere to go, no job, no friends, no money. Nothing.. Did I lead him on? Did I make promises that I need to keep? Should I buy him a one way ticket back to where he came from?

It boils down to me. Again, selfish... but I lived in misery once already, for many many years. Hell was my back door and the happiness part of my life at that point was far far away. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy to be alone. I reached that point and started dating again. But I still had my freedom. I'm not me anymore. It's only been a few short months.. and I'm not me. And that worries me.

How can someone love you 20 yrs later. They have no clue who you are. What you have become. Thoughts, beliefs, opinions, out look on life, wants, desires. Do I even care about him? I get frustrated more than anything. Frustrated at comments, how he thinks, and OMG.. the sex... the sex is unsatisfying... I find myself faking it more than anything... what's the point?

What is the point?

Maybe it's just time.. to say goodbye.. and see ya.. cuz I cant do this..
why live my life unhappy?
It's my life after all.... Ive given up so much, and have come so far, so it wouldn't be worth it to accomplish all that I have accomplished.. to just bring me back down again.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

No Money for the Masses

Cats are always so dramatic!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I miss the 80's

How the hell did my father deal with me as a teenager?

How the hell do I deal with my kids now that they are teenagers?

I didnt have a cell phone when I was 15 or 12...
I didnt have the internet either..
I rode around in the back of pick up's
I drank water out of the hose
I played hide n seek way past dark
Remember when:

Atari was the thing...
Rubiks cube..
Big hair...
Leg warmers (what I wouldnt give for leg warmers again..Im cold damn it)
Fraggle Rock?
Ripped jeans w/spandex underneath...
OMG... Jelly shoes!!!
Friendship braclets...
Hair bands...
Flashdance....Breakfast Club.... Sixteen candles?
Rode in cars w/out seatbelts

Here's a poem I found... it actually pertains to other years.. but.. I miss the 80's...

TO ALL OF US WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70'S and 80'S!!

Ø First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

Ø They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Ø Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
Ø We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

Ø As infants & children, we would rode in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Ø Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Ø We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Ø We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

Ø We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
Ø We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
Ø We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few
times, we learned to solve the problem.
Ø We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no person al computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
Ø We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
Ø We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Ø We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
Ø We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Ø Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Ø The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Things need to go back in time..
I miss the good ol' days...

What do you miss/remember?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Oh.. Drama.. Puhleez!!!

I'm the youngest of three - I have two older brothers, Choo & Burnt (names are changed to protect the identities of others)

Choo is the oldest brother - he's got his head on straight, married to Weenie (its a girl) and she's actually one of my best friends... how often do you get to say that? That your sister n law is a good friend!? I personally believe that makes me very lucky.

Now.. Burnt... he's the middle child - Mr. Perfection Personified.. Mr. Do No Wrong!
He's my current nightmare.... Burnt has many children... claims to be a christian... and did I mention he thinks he perfect? I don't believe in his parenting style, which everyone has their own way to parent, I get that. Use the rod, don't spare the child kind of thought process...If I'm saying that right.

Anyhow.. Burnts oldest - Fryer Tuck - just turned 20 - and he is about as worthless as boobs on a nun..... Fryer Tuck was home schooled and was the gopher child, go for that, go get me this, you understand? He was the red-headed step child I suppose you could call it, not the current wife's son... but the son from a teenage evening where two hormonal teenagers had to much fun... Burnt always liked to tell Fryer Tuck he was the crash test dummy child.. I think that took a toll on Fryer Tuck.. cuz now - he's living in a motor home with his underage slut puppy girlfriend - he drives this motor home around town and parks it where ever - I guess we all should be happy at the fact that he at least has a roof over his head and is semi-warm during these cold evenings were having.... I'm off subject...

Anyhow.. Fryer Tuck got busted a few months ago for intent to deliver to an undercover officer.... can u say dumb ass! Fryer Tuck went to jail, and Burnt decided that he should step up and be a Daddy now - and instead of making Fryer Tuck deal w/his own irresponsible life choices, Daddy Dearest is making all the decisions.... Fryer Tuck decided that he wanted the drama off of him for awhile - so, he decided to start some shit between me and Burnt, by dragging my oldest, Monkey Boy, into the mix.

Fryer Tuck informed Burnt that he saw a video on you tube of my son smoking pot... which I know for a fact Monkey Boy isn't - long story... I just know! Anyhow.. here's my question to you...
If your child told you that he saw this video concerning your nephew wouldn't you call your sibling to inform them of this?

Well not in my family!
Burnt told Choo - Choo told Weenie - Weenie called me...
Now Burnt says that if Monkey Boy ever wants to come to his house again, he needs to take a piss test and pass it before he will allow him to hang out with his other children...
Amazing.. considering that Fryer Tuck is strung out on meth & Oxycontin and so is the slut puppy he's dating and they are there all the time - but that's different, as that's his son... not his nephew...

So.. Ive washed my hands of my Burnt..... I told his wife - (whom I like) that as far as I'm concerned - Burnt is no more - he's a hypocritical bastard - and those that live in glass houses should not throw stones...

Talking to Monkey Boy about all of this, and Ive learned over the years to tell when my son lies to me...he was saddened about how his uncle feels about him. I asked him if he had ever smoked pot, and he said no.. and yes, I do believe him... why? Because remember I was a strung out mess for many many years.. I know the signs.. I know my son isn't on drugs... and I know he hasn't tried them (yes I had him tested not long ago by his Dr)
I was strung out on meth for 4 yrs back in high school.. I smoked pot everyday for many years w/monkey boys father - before monkey boy came along... I know the signs.. and I know that Monkey Boy is clean...

Besides - he told me that his friends offered him some not long ago.... Monkey Boy said no thanks.. when his friends asked him if he was scared.. he said
"Guys.. have you met my Mother? She's a fucking Ogre.. she scares the shit out of me!"

I'm OK with that.. a little fear of your parent is healthy..
Don't you agree?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Axes to Axes... somethings gotta give

I am almost afraid to write this post. I'm afraid that by putting this into words, something awful will happen and all that I have to say will come not true. Is that possible? Is Karma such a bitch that she may just turn it all around on me?

Well here it is anyway.

This last week has been pure heaven.
There have been no arguments in my home.
My children are getting along with everyone
They are doing their chores WITHOUT being asked
They are doing their homework WITHOUT being asked
They are actually a joy to be around.
They are even getting along with "him"
He is getting along with them

Oh and "him"
I don't know how to explain it.. but things are good there
not perfect, but honestly is there such thing as perfection in a relationship?
I don't believe so, right now the only huge issue is the economy and the fact that he's out of work.
Yeah, that's putting a huge strain on us.. but.. damn he's keeping everything at home in total order.. doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting, applying for jobs all day, cooking dinner... hell.. he makes a better house bitch than I EVER would.. sorry..don't tell him I said that.. :)

Did the earth tip on it's axes?
Is Karma playing a cruel joke on me?
Global warming kick into overdrive and started melting everyone's ice around their hearts?

Whatever it is.. can it please last..
for another 6 yrs at least?
I'm not asking for much.. just 6 more years... OK OK... 10.. then they will both be in their 20's.. and someone else's' problem....


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tidal waves

I have always been in control of my feelings, how I feel about people, about situations that surround me. I never second guess my decisions I always put great thought into what I'm going to do, why I'm going to do it. If I should go to this place or that place with these people or those people.

Yet, here I sit... with so much inner turmoil rolling around inside of me. I can feel the confusion swirling like a great tidal wave ready to crash upon unsuspecting organs. Which in turn will ware down the body and I will go into full blow illness. I need to control my tidal wave but I don't know how. Between the bleakness, confusion, uncertainty & anger I feel that at any point I will snap.

Did I make the right decision by allowing the past to move in? Or was I just caught up in what was and didn't put any thought into the now and the what will be.

I miss him... I never realized how much I would miss him. The scent of his skin, the feel of his arms, the sound of his voice.
My heart actually aches to think of him in the arms of someone else, and yet it is I who turned him away. Because I thought there never would be a time when there would be anything more than what was....and now? I don't want what is... I want what was.

I never fully allowed myself to feel for him. I never allowed myself to think of him as more than just the "friends" that we were. For 6 years we have been nothing more than just "friends" I knew that he would never give to me what I ultimately wanted. Yet, here I am... living with the past and missing the present.

All the lost chances, the quiet moments where things were never spoken. No confessions, no wants, no desires. Just laying there in the after glow thoughts and feelings running through the mind. Little things done that would make me think that maybe... but then it was gone.
Now... Now I sit and think to myself, why? Why didn't I push further? Question more? Demand more? Ask the questions.
He made me feel beautiful, wanted, desired.... made me feel like a women should feel.

Things were said, little actions were taken... I played it to "cool"... kept it all so close to my heart never allowing truths to be told.
Have I lost?

The confusion just keeps swirling and swirling around inside me.
At some point I need to make a decision for myself.
But, what is that decision?
Either way someone will get hurt. Someone will loose, and it's all in my hands.
Or is it? Am I putting something into that 6 yrs that really isn't there?

If I end what is now.... can he promise me forever?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

House full of flu victims

The flu is running rampant through my house

He has it...
The girl child has it....
The boy child is starting to show signs of it....

I refuse to get it!!!!!

Wish me luck

Friday, February 06, 2009

Nosy Nelly

I'm nosy, so nosy in fact that when I'm driving at night and I see homes with lights on in their windows and the TVs are on, I want to pull over and peek through their windows. Not to scope out their homes, but I just want to see how others conduct themselves. How do they live?

Do they curl up on their couches w/a blankie and a drink and watch TV? While their children snuggle in with them and have some cuddle time?
Are the parents in one room while the kids are somewhere else?
Are they living life like Leave it to Beaver? The youngest laying on the floor coloring while the parents drink their coffee from their matching recliners?

What is actually going on in those homes?
Is it complete chaos? Is dad sitting there while mom is up cornering children, dealing w/homework, doing laundry, cleanup up the dinner dishes, getting kids' baths done.. all the while dad is yelling for some quiet...
Is it a home of a single parent?

Inquiring minds want to know.. I want to know.. because I'm nosy.. I want to know how others live.. how they cope, how they survive... are they like me? (God I hope not this world would be doomed)

New thought:
I hate large groups of people..they can royally piss me off, however I love to go to the mall on Saturday afternoons, grab my favorite cup of coffee and have a seat and watch people. Think to myself, how could that person actually think they look good? Seriously, that's a bad hair cut!

So on and so on and so on... watching peoples reactions to situations, wondering what possessed them to put those clothes together, or wear their makeup like that, or get their hair cut like that... what made them decide to get up that morning and do what they do... ( I realize others probably look at me and think the same thing.. but I'm perfectly sane thank you)

So anyhow... I installed some map locator on my blog... cuz I'm nosy....
it shows that I have had allot of visits between Oct 14 2008 & Feb 4 2009

USA - 354
Brazil - 71
Canada - 24
Australia - 12
United Kingdom - 6
France - 2
Belgium - 2
Mexico - 2
Argentina - 2
Germany - 1
Austria - 1
South Africa - 1
Malaysia - 1
Netherlands - 1
Ireland - 1
El Salvador - 1
Philippines - 1
Puerto Rico - 1
Bahamas - 1
Senegal - 1
Portugal - 1
India - 1

I'm sure all the single visits were done in error... but hey.. I never realized my sad little blog got that far.. so does this mean I get around? LOL....

so yes..I'm nosy.. so feel free to share anything that you may feel I would benefit from. Cuz well I'm nosy. And my life has been such a hellish ride that I need something that is totally and completely idiotic right now.

Welcome all of you, and those that have stopped by in error... grab a seat, your favorite beverage, sometimes the communications on this blog will make you laugh, or just shake your head, if that's the case feel free to hit that X in the top right corner.

Peace lovies!!!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The walls of hell are HOT!

Well, I took back my house.. and had a week of purgatory.. I can honestly say that when I die and go to hell... I will feel like I'm on a paradise island.. because nothing can compare to the over reactions of a 12 yr old hormonal preteen girl......
I'm tired... oh lord help me, I'm exhausted.

But I'm happy to say the last few days have been easy. Sure there have been a few small bumps a few raised voices but all in all things have turned around and the spawn of satan has been kicked to the curb.

I just wish she would take lessons from her brother who is just happy there is another male in the house and he's no longer out numbered! My new man and the boy child get along as well as can be expected. They joke around together, they wrestle, they talk, they watch discovery channel together. I was afraid that the boy child would feel threatened but he seems to be taking it all really well.

Me on the other hand, Im still trying to decide if Im relationship material. It's a learning experience for me that's for sure. It's alot of work to live with someone, I had forgotten how much work it was. Compromise, communication, remembering someone else's feelings.

All will work out Im sure. He's having a hard time finding employment right now, and his cash flow is starting to run out and Im afraid some kind of depression is going to kick in. Then what? I cant deal with that. He started getting all teary eyed the other day cuz he was having difficulty finding employment... my response to him was to suck it up, were in the middle of a damn recession!
Rude huh?
Im a bitch...
Im not good with others feelings....
Im not good relationship material......

Oh well!
That is me. deal!

Monday, January 26, 2009 come true

Remember when you were a kid, and you made that mistake of walking into your parents bedroom, just as they were getting it on?
Remember how grossed out and disgusted you were?
Traumatized for life?

Well, my daughter walked in on me and my S.O. last night.. the difference is, my bedroom door was shut and locked, and my little girl broke the lock on the door and walked right in. Then proceeded to yell, scream, and throw a temper tantrum on how sick and disgusted we are, she hates me, I'm suppose to wait until she is grown and out of the house before I proceed with my life!

Long story short...
Remember me telling ya'll earlier on, how my long lost love from my teen years looked me up on myspace? We struck up a convo...and 3 months later.. he's moved in. (yes I know.. way soon... )
So far so good.. things are working out really well....
Except for my beautiful baby girl...has turned into the spawn of the devil!

She's doing, saying, reacting, lying, stealing whatever you can think of to rip it all apart.
Who is she? Ive tried talking to her, Ive tried to understand her, Ive even given in to her demands to make peace in the house. I have become the biggest push over in the history of Mommy hood!

But I'm here to tell everyone..right here, right now

She will no longer act like she is the parent in MY house
She will no longer dictate to me what is going to happen and how it is going to be
She will no longer undermine my ever word and my every action

My biggest nightmare, of having a teenage child who is beyond control has come true...

I just want to lay down and sleep and wish this nightmare away
I know that I cant allow her to continue down this destructive path
I must take back control of my house

Hell...she already tells me she hates me..
what else can go wrong?

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Greetings from Whoville

A new year, a new beginning... out with the old in with the new and hoping everything in my path turns to gold... which wont happen, but its a nice dream.

Christmas, was nothing to write home about... I didn't put up a tree this year... I didn't even decorate, my daughter did.. I was NOT in the Holiday spirit... I won a poinsettia from work. it was huge.. I brought it home and that was our "tree" LOL...

I did make a nice big Christmas dinner... got a few gifts for the kids.. made a deal with both kids and the boy wrapped his sisters and the girl wrapped her brothers.. then I filled their stockings and hung them by the fireplace with care.. well not really..I set them under the "tree" cuz they were to heavy to hang.. but whatever...another day... another dollar....

We got hit with some ridiculous amounts of snow this year over the Holiday... worse the Pacific Northwest has seen in about 30 yrs... the snow in my back yard was up to my knee in some areas... I was snowed in.... couldn't get anywhere for days... it was crazy!!! Now, it's raining.. it's all melting and lucky us, were on flood warnings..

The New Year was brought in w/family at the casino.... I drank... I ate..and ate...and ate.....and was home by 11:30..I'm such a party animal.. About 12:30 I was getting ready for bed.. and got a hysterical phone call from a good friend...
Her hubby plowed his truck into the front of another car...
I made it from my house to her house in just under 7 minutes.. it's normally a 15 min drive.. the accident was not even 100 ft from her front door...
Luckily no one was hurt... everyone walked away... it's the hubby's fault..
he blew almost a 2...
They have a long road ahead of them...

Note to self.. Never drink and drive.. not only is it expensive (as I would say there looking at aleast 10k)
stay home... have some drinks.. if you go out, call a taxi.. call a your Mom..
Never.. NEVER get behind the wheel of that car.. no reason to drive.. NONE!!!

Happy New Year Everyone...