Thursday, December 29, 2005


2005 come and gone

Looking back over this year I realize I have been thru so much and yet I still have made it through.

I clearly remember Jan 1, 2005 midnight, standing on my friends front porch, drinking, talking, and arguing, as we all get together there is ALWAYS an argument. Thats what friends do tho. They argue, laugh, cry, glare, tell each other like it is. Anyhow... The argument that night was over my friend S, wanting R ( ex who is still living w/me) at the time he and I werent dating, but anyhow S wanted R, however she is married to his best friend.. LOL.. oh..the good times.. S's husband heard her say how HOT R was, and the shit hit the fan from there!!! LOL... it was so long ago, that it just seems so surreal!

Jan.. my boy turns the big 11!!! He's a New Years Baby... on this day 11 yrs ago he was born, first baby boy of this county... beat by a little girl at the other area hospital by an hour

Feb 2005 - 2 trips to ER w/my son... one where he pieced an old bicycle together and went down the side of a mountain and since there were no breaks on this beautiful bike, he used his face as the stopping mechanism....into the side of a TREE!!!! This was Valentines Day.. thats how I spent my V-Day..sitting in ER w/my boy... R brought me a dozen roses... that was sweet
then at the end of Feb.. my son says his arm hurts.. I take a look, and he has a little scratch that he didnt bother to tell me about that has gotten infected.. to the point of blood poisoning..
Back to ER as its a weekend, I.V. drip, overnight observation.. yep.. year is starting out grrrrreaate!!!

April 2005 - W shows back up, and takes me for another ride... and basically cleans me out.. I loose so much..

summer months were good months, nothing to complain about, all was going well,

River rafting.. my daughter almost's drowns... she's a good swimmer, she's wearing a life vest, river is really calm, then all the sudden we go around the bend, and there's the freakin rapids.. actually, they were mild rapids, but my girl went off course and got stuck in a nasty little rapid by a fallen tree she figures she can just jump off and walk to the side, until the under toe grabs her... scariest moment of my life.. I jump off my tube and try to "run" to her.. cant run in moving water!!! finally get to her, grab her, yank her up by her hair..literally... and drag her to the side.. we sit.. we breath, and then both of us decide "forget this" we're walking back!!!!

end of June me and the kids get a new place, and move in.. and then here comes R & W.. damn Im to nice or something... then again, I understand what it's like to not have a place to lay your head at night, and I understand not having somewhere to call home, been there done that, so I let them stay... what was I thinking????

October... I turn the big 33 & my baby girl turns the big 9..

November... I get notice from my son's school he's flunking out of the 6th grade..
turkey day I get the flu..

December... Christmas... gawd I hated this year!!!! Not in the jolly spirit, not in the spirit..

Please let 2006 be better..

There are so many other things that happened through at 2005, but some are so personal that I just dont wish to share at this moment.. Raw wounds that just have not healed, some very evil things that I have done, some moments that I need to apologize to others for.. some issues that I just havnt come to grasp with yet... but all in all..Stick a form in me.. Im done!!

My wish for all of you... May this upcoming year bring you love, happiness, and a bright light to lead you when life gets dark. To succeed at all that you set out to do, and to achieve all that you wish to accomplish.
But most of all.. may this year bring you good friends, as nothing is more important than having a few good friends to dry your eyes when you cry, to hold your hair as your worshipping that porcelein god, to laugh at your stupid jokes, and to be able to sit in utter silence and still not feel alone!!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Crappy Christmas

4 day weekend.. let me recap

Fred Meyer, shopping w/my daughters father (whom my whole family hates but we are still friends) my brother is walking towards us, he looks at me, I look at him, and he walks straight by, doesn't say hi or nothing.. just flat out ignores me!
ok... now I realize they dont like W.. and thats fine, its a big huge world we all live in and not everyone can get along...but dont dis-respect me and just flat out ignore me..
So family Christmas Friday night, up at my other brothers..
it takes my oldest brother (the one who ignored me) 4 drinks, before he even acknowledges me.. now...long story short, Im the blacksheep of the family... cuz I dont tow the line like everyone else, and I live by my own rules and standards.. I apologize family of mine if I dont follow your rules.. but Fuck You.. I dont have to..thats the beauty of living in a Freeworld!
Anyhow..Family party.. it was ok, except that R (my ex who is living w/me) calls my brother before I leave and ask's if he and his daughter can tag along!!! Can you believe that? If you were wanted there, you would of been invited.. I just think that is rather tacky to call and see if you can come along too... just me maybe?
that night was the longest 4 hrs of my life

Actually went well, went to a friends house to have Christmas Eve w/her and her family..she's like my adoptive Mom, since my mom lives on the East coast I dont get to see her much ( I really miss her from time to time) but Vinnie & her husband Bobbio (like Fabio) have become surrogate family to me, and I really appreciate and respect them so much... we had a great dinner, a few margarita's, built a fire in the back yard, and relaxed..what a great day.. hung w/surrogate family and friends and had great food, great conversation, good times..thats what the Holidays are all about

Sunday - Merry Christmas Everyone.. WTF???? just wastn Christmas for me... first off, my son wasnt there, he was w/his father
and this is the first Christmas in 12 yrs he hasnt been there... so that put a damper on the day (as he left for his dad's Saturday night)
and my dog wasnt there... that put a few tears in my eyes
However.. my beautiful daughter woke my ass up at 5:15 am!! oh yeah... get up Mommy, she did however turn on the coffee pot before waking me up.. good girl!!!
I held her off until almost 7..
however, her father would NOT wake up.. of course.. he didnt stroll in until 3 am on Christmas Eve night.. but that's a whole differant story.. (he lives there too, see previous post's for more info)
so fine.. my baby girl and I opened up presents all by ourselves.. just Mommy and me time. then we made breakfast for the both of us and sat down and watched a Christmas Story... 24 hr run baby on Christmas Day!!! aww yea!!!
Her father finally gets up around 9:30 - at noon he decides he's going to his friends house, understandable.. thats fine.. Im thinking he will be back shortly.. he calls me at 6 that night and invites me and our daughter over to dinner at his friends house (whom I cant stand) um.. no.. um... Hi.... Im cooking a turkey, which he knew, he helped season it that morning...
its Fucking Christmas, to spend w/those you love, admire, cherish, LIKE, respect and generally want to be around.. not to spend it at someone's house whom you cant stand!!! bad..
he comes home around 9:30 and is pissed at me, because I stood him and his friends up..
My response to him.. well.. honey.. you stood up your daughter.. because once again, your selfish ass is more concerned about you & your egotistical/self centered/asshole friend... I guess that was wrong of me huh?

Another day off, and her daddy decides to go fishing.. so he leaves at 4:30 am, and wanders home at 6ish.. as my 9 yr old is asking for the last 2 days, why her daddy isnt home.. how do you answer that? Well baby, because he's concerned about one thing and one thing only.. that's himself, has been for the 20+ yrs I've known him.. but you learn to deal w/it and get over it honey...
and again..he doesnt understand why Im pissy about it....

Needless to say, Christmas is officially over at my house, I had the tree torn down, all the decorations put away, and boxed and sealed, back into the garage w/in a matter of 2 hrs...
Time for a new year, that better be brighter, bigger, and better, because if its not..
me & the the 7 wonders of the world are going to re-establish the "Dont Fuck w/me" rules again... cuz I cant take much more..
Im tired...
I need some GOOD & POSITIVE in my life

Happy Holidays' to all
and To all.. a great life!!!

Im out~~~

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Thank you to all

I want so say thank you to all of you for the support and loving and kind words that I have recieved.

Your kindness and support have ment so much to me and has really helped me in these last few days. thank you so very much!!!

So I had to go to the pet store last night, to get the Ferrett some new toys and treats for Christmas (yes, he has his own stocking so did Oscar)
Anyhow.. I didnt think it would be so hard & so trying... PetsMart allows animals there, and so people bring their dogs, cats, whatever into the store..and there were a couple kitties that needed new homes.. oh so precious... ...that I almost came home w/a new addition to the family. Luckily.. I stopped myself, and realized.. I was just trying to replace my beloved dog, and he isnt replacable.. so.. I need to mourn some more, and really start acknowledging the pain...

Im off tomorrow, Friday as the company is closed same w/Monday.. we are getting a 4 day weekend.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Goodbye my dear friend

I post today with a saddened & heavy heart today

My puppy was hit and killed by a car this morning, just as I came around the corner to try to stop him. He was 9 months old, had not had a chance to live long enough on this earth to know what its like to run in the surf of the ocean, to chase a squirrel in the woods, to camp in the woods w/me and the kids.

Thankfully he went quickly.

I pulled him off the road, and to the side, fell to my knees, he lifted his head, looked at me and licked my hand, and then went into the powers that be.

I will forever remember him. He was not only the family dog for a few short months, but he was my friend. He was my 55 pound lap dog, who loved to sit in the recliner w/me on my lap, loved to sleep next to me in bed, as long as he had half the pillow, loved to go for car rides, loved to be just loved. He was there for me to talk to, knowing all my secrets would forever be a secret, he loved to bounce around the house and play tug of war w/the old dish towel. He loved his bones, I constantly was stepping on half eaten dog bones hidden in shoes, hidding in the kid's bed's, hidden under pillows on the couch.. everywhere..
I will be reminded of you over the next few weeks as I clean up your bed, and remove your favorite toys. I will forever miss you and will forever love you.

The gentleman that hit him, thank you for stopping and thank you for your assitance and kind words. I do not lay blame on you, you are not at fault. Oscar wanted to play with the dog across the busy street, unfortunently, your wheels were quicker than his legs.

To you my dear friend... Thank you for the few months we had together...

God Bless Our Pets

They say memories are golden,
well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.

Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Who the hell is Murphy?

Well I have officially lost it!

Murphy's Law!!! Who the hell is this Murphy character? I swear, he has been having the best laugh of his life at my expense.!!!

The last year of my life, has been one large practical joke after another.. I swear, things have been happening to me that shouldn't happen to one person...

But the topper to the year.. is what happened this morning...

I got out of bed early... (which is a miracle in itself)
I got ready...
I got the wee one's up, got them ready, with a minimal amount of arguments, fighting, picking on each other. Got them breakfast, got the deadbeat off the couch, got him moving, headed to the car... Its 7am!!! OMG.. Im actually running ON time.. That's right.. ON time..
Mind you, Im driving a total POS!! ITS NOT MINE.. But anyhow.. Im driving this POS, but it whatever..its just a car...minivan to boot..
and I go to close the slider door on this beautiful piece of junk..................
and.. the fucking door falls off!!!!
Thats right.. falls off... its hanging there...
I look at my 12 year old.. and I quote "What the Fuck?!"
yep.. I said it.. to my son.. I was in utter shock, amazement, awe!!!
the door is hanging there, and there go all my thoughts of beating traffic, getting them to school on time, me getting to work on time, and being able to stop for a double mocha!
Gone.. poof.. no more.. and all I could do was laugh...
So Im standing in my driveway, holding onto a door, and laughing hysterically... cars are driving by, and Im just standing there, in 30 degree weather, laughing hysterically, tears are running down my face... kids sitting in a the car, car running, just laughing.. what was I suppose to do.

So, I wait until 8ish... call the call dealership that this POS was purchased from.. and say.. hi, so&so just bought this POS from you, and um.. yeah.. the slider door fell off... Now, here is the intelligence of used car's salesmen...
"Go ahead and bring it in, and we will fix it!"
um.. hi.. I think its a little illegal to drive a car w/a missing door.. what do you think?
and yes, I did ask him this...
He says "Pop it back on"
yeah.. sure.. no problem.. do I do that?
Men & Murphy.. they are related creatures you know..
so me in my wise sarcastic wisdom, tell him that I will pull the crane out of the garage and go ahead and bring it in that way, would that work for him?! He doesnt reply.. niiiiiice!!! Asshole..
ok.. what..
I make some coffe.. turn on the cartoons for the wee ones, step outside, have a smoke.. and start laughing some more.. and I cant stop laughing.. hysteria is close behind... 8:30 am.. and Im losing it! Get the straight jacket ready, clean the padded Cell.. because Im on my way!

Finally get ahold of a friend to pick up the kids for school (my son is already late) get ahold of a co-worker to pick me up on her way to work (Thank you J, I love you & she brought me my double mocha.. thats a friend )
and R shows up, calls me at 10, and says.. I got the door on..

thank you for that...

So, its Murphy's Law, as the morning started out perfect, things were ON time, car started, kids were happy.. jingle bell's was in the air, and Murphy just flipped me his finger, and poof.. the goodness is GONE!!! ASSHOLE!!!

So, Im gonna fly to Ireland, find the pub that he's sitting in, and Im going to dump his mug of Guiness all over the top of his wee little head..
then Im gonna throw him on the ground, and kick him, stomp on his head, and spit on him...
Because this aint fair...
Ok, Murphy.. you got me..
If I promise to not fly to Ireland and beat the shit out of you.. will you leave me the hell alone already.. I give up.. you win... You are the victor!!!

So, Im hoping that 2006 will be better, as I cant take much more..

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Inner Voices - they are making my head hurt

The throbbing inside my head just wont go away... all I want is to wake up in the morning stress free.

I have so many voices in my head today..well actually they have been there for the last few weeks, I have kept them mainly quiet by ignoring them, but every now and then, one pops out and tends to get me in a bit of trouble.

They wear many differant hats, Red for anger... green for jealousy... blue for envy.... white for laying down and doing nothing... and brown for the depression....
but lately its the red hat man that keep's rearing his ugly head...
The anger inside of me is a slow churning tornado, spiraling uptowards to a level 10, the most deadly and dangerous tornado that is out there, and when that happens, its blackout time... everything and anything w/in its path will be lost, destroyed, torn down and thrown away.

It scares me... but I can feel the anger just coursing through my system... just ready to explode into a million fragments and unleash itself on the unsuspecting...and then what? After the destruction you have to rebuild....and that take's compassion... understanding....loving hands...and a whole lot of forgivness... I dont have any of it in me.

the other hat men raise there heads too... (green) jealousy comes along for the friend of mine who gets everything handed to her from her grandfather... her mother... and then complains that there is no money and has to "borrow" from family again... (w/out having to pay it back)... (blue) envy for those that are always so happy... that have all their shit together, and dont have to worry about where the next payment for the power bill is coming from...envy for those in my life that actually smile and mean it, and are not just putting on a happy face for those around them....white, doing nothing.. to just lay down and sleep, and at times wish to not wake just let things pass me by and go away, to leave me the hell alone! To just let me be!
Depression... goes right along w/the white hat... depressed that Christmas is around the corner, and so what? I tried to turn over a new life for Christmas... to embrace it, to acknowledge it, to like it.. but its not happening.. Depressed because of LIFE...

All my hats belong to me... they all make me up to be who I am... but the one that scares me the most is my red hat... ANGER is a dangerous and powerful thing, and so much evil comes out of ANGER... he is cruel....vindictive...powerful....

So.. please do not take it personal... I am containing him the best I can, if I unleash on you, just leave me be, I will come around...and I will apologize... or just pretend it didnt happen...

Someday, I will be back to the happy ol' jolly self that I should be, that I know I can be, that I will be!

Im just tired... just so tired..

Thursday, December 01, 2005


I got this idea from another blogger today, and actually, I have been thinking hard on how to say "Thank you" to a few friends who have recently come into my life, but have showed me in the short time that I have gotten to know them, what truly makes a friend.

There is an old poem/saying, that has been circulating for quite awhile, but I have it posted on my wall at work... this hits home everytime I read it....

People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

Its is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance & support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconveinient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they act up & force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on

Beacause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn, these friends bring you experience of peace, or make you laugh. They teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelieveable amount of joy. But only for a season.

These relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is clairvoyant.

So thank you to all my friends through out my life, for those that have taught me valuable lessons, have been there to hold my hand when I needed direction, held my head and wiped away my tears. Found their way into my guarded heart and have stayed there through the good, bad and the ugly.
I will never be able to truly thank you, but you know who you are and please know.. that to me you are there for me for a Lifetime... and I hope you will always be there.

I love you..

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Tis the Season - So be happy damn it!!!

Thanksgiving came and went this year, 7 days off from work, and I was down and out with the wonderful flu.. I have never, in my life, hurt so much and been so miserable.. I would go thru natural child birth to not have to endure that again, at least w/child birth, you know it will end soon. with the flu, you just wish to die... to not have to endure the pain, the agony!!! Oh the agony..

Christmas is fast approaching, and this year, I am actually going to embrace the Holiday and be thankful for what I have. I know, this shouldnt be something new, but in years that have come and gone, I never really have embraced Christmas, I have always dreaded it. Granted, this year (like most) will be a small Christmas. But I am actually going to attempt to remember what the Holiday truly means. To me, its not about the birth of Christ, as w/most. Because I was raised w/a differant religious preferance than most who may read this. But I am actually going to do a few things this year to make this Holiday better for me and my family.

1) I will be thankful that I have a home
2) I will be thankful that I have my children (no matter HOW much they bug me for and IPOD)
3) I will show my kids, that Christmas is not about what you recieve, but what you are able to give (i.e. love/comfort/support/kind words)
4) I will not allow the affect of others w/in my home to be a downer upon myself (read previous post's and you know there are other idiots living w/me at the time) ( D - I took in a couple homeless guys.. I dont suggest it)

There will be more added to that list, sad that I can only come up w/4 things.. I know there are more, I just need to put more thought into it.
I have always wanted to assist w/the homeless situation (no T & J I wont bring anymore homeless people into my home) but I was thinking, to show my children that things at home are NOT as bad as what could be, maybe assisting at the local soup kitchen, helping w/serving or arranging a food drive. Something.. there has to be something.

Ok.. Thank you to everyone who reads this and comments, I look forward to the comments and the reads... and I hope everyone has very Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Step up onto my Soap Box

I do apologize for not checking in sooner, but life has been a jumble of confusion and mass irritability.

Bear w/me, as I jump up on my Soap Box & poor me attitude.... ok.. here it goes..
Im a single mother of 2 beautiful children... 12 & 9.. Im 33 yrs old, and have a hell of a time making ends meet. I work fulltime, which actually averages out to about 55 hrs a week, and do my best to show my children about honor, honesty, hard work, achievments, good decisions, so forth and so on. I make pretty good money.. I mean, not alot, but Im doing alright, and I dont recieve child support, as their fathers are ignorant/self centered/assholes..

With that said, I work and work and work to provide a home for my children to teach them right from wrong and to stand on their own two feet, so why is it, that I cant get any type of additional assistance from the state governmant. I pay into it, every payday, money is removed from my check to support those lazy ass individuals who depends on the state of Washington to support them. Yet, I cant get alittle additional help w/medical costs or food allowance. Im not saying that I deserve it, but I am saying, that yeah, I could use an extra $100 a month for food...
there are certain individuals (that will remain nameless) that sit at home, do nothing, watch soap operas, game show's, and Jerry Springer, just waiting for the beginning of the month to roll around so they can go out and shop. Yeah.. pisses me right the hell off! I cant get any assistance, as I sit here and watch my power bill raise due to winter, gas prices being astronomical, car maintence, food, car payment, house payment, ect ect ect.. yeah I know.. shut up V.. and just deal w/it.. thats life, you learn to live w/it, and then you leave the earth and carry on...

I was on welfare when my son was first born, back in 1994... I was still working, but just didnt make enough to support me and my son, Im telling you it was the most embarrassing thing in my entire life, back when food stamps were actual paper money.. before they put it on the credit cards that they have to day. But I remember the sneers, jokes, and disgusted looks that I recieved at the grocery store paying for my food, I recall paying for groceries, when a girl asked her mother what I was using to pay for my food, her mothers reply, "those paper dollars are for lazy people who wont get off their asses and work" Now, wait a minute!!! Um.. I was still working, my hours were cut down due to the time of year, I was living w/friends, but still had to pay my own way... so, needless to say, my mild/meek self just couldnt let it slide.
I turned, I looked Bertha up and down, and I ripped her a new ass... Have you ever walked a mile in my shoes? Do you have any clue WHY I may be needing assistance from the state? Do you even know a PIECE of my story? NO! you dont, so do not EVER pass judgment upon someone else until you know the real story, the history and they WHY's!!! So Fuck you very much! Buh bye now!!!

I know.. Im kind of contradiciting myself in this post.. however... I totally understand being on state assistance because of necessity sickness/disability(as long as its legite disability) family issues, no education, the real reasons... necessity.. because you HAVE to.. not because u want to.. I get all that..Im talking the ones who are just to selfish and/or lazy that will not get a job to do better for themselves.. those are the ones that piss me off..

Ok Ok.. big Soap Box..
Take care..


Monday, November 07, 2005

Another Week.. Another Dollar

Its Monday ya'll... oh joy fucking joy fucking joy...

Monday's suck... I cant wake up this morning, could it be because I was stuck here (being work) on a Sunday for 4 hrs. Granted its double time, but damn! its a Sunday I am overload, I feel an emotional/mental breakdown coming on, hell, Im gonna go commit a crime to just be able to take a vacation, I will plead insanity, and then I will get a 2 week stint at the local psych ward! I get a bed, 3 meals a day, that I dont have to cook, hot shower and lets not forget.. drugs... blissful happy drugs, all legal mind you. I would be ok w/all that!

Anyhow.. my weekend.. Friday night was a freakin joke..lets see, my daughters father and I got into a large argument.. nothing really new there, as we argue all the time, got home Friday night after taking the wee ones to a "sock hop/harvest festival" at the girls school, it was actually alot of fun.. any how.. got home, and W was, well, pissed off, is actually putting it mildly. He was like a Tiger in a cage who just got shot w/a 30/30! And, me being the bitch that I am, I started laughing at him.. he's ranting, he's raving, he's pissed, his head is about to spin around on his neck. And me, Im laughing at him, hysterically laughing at him and I cant stop. Now, word of advice, dont ever laugh at someone when they look like poltergeist K! K! In the 17 yrs I have known this man, I have never NEVER seen him this pissed off.... in all honesty, I dont remember what the argument really was about, except the fact that he wasnt getting his way, I really do believe he thinks that everyone should tow his line, and do his bidding.. well guess what.. um.. nope.. didnt do it when we were together, aint doing it now... but thats what the problem is, he figures that he's been dealt the shit deal in life, so therefore, those around him should cater to his every need. um.. let me think about this one.. Fuck No!!! DumbAss!

Well, the rest of the weekend, turned out alright, Saturday the wee ones went and stayed the night w/some friends, I was gonna go out and get my drunk on, as after Friday..I kind of needed it.. but, then I decided, I just wanted to spend the evening alone, curled up on the couch, and watch stupid movies..all by my wee little self, so I kicked W out, and R (he's the other roommate) told them to be gone, and I did! I sat home, ate like a freakin' pig, which I will pay for at the gym tonight, and watched corny movies. I watched my most favorite movie of all time. Hope Floats...
So just remember...

You just have to give Hope a chance to Float up.


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

OH Sleepy Dreams..Where are you??


I just wanna sleep, why cant I sleep?
My mind wont turn off
Things running through
Images flashing by
Did I pay that bill?
what's that noise?
The dop pacing back and forth
acting like a soldier protecting its home.
I have to complete that report at work
what's the time line?
Do I have all the information
Do I have all the proper materials
Are my kids happy?
Did I turn off the stove?
I should of stayed up later and done more laundry
I need a smoke
non stop thinking
deep breath.....
no thoughts.....
just wanna sleep....

oh.. I have Vicadin!!!!
Nighty night!!!
sleep tight..
as snug as a bug in a rug!!!
ah... Finally... Dreams....

I finally slept!!!
Yeah me!!!!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Rainy day's bring on the Downer Monster

I love the rain, why else would I live in the Pacific Northwest, however, there are times when I step outside and the drops from the heavens are still falling to the ground, that you realize there is a cloud hanging over your head.

Driving into work today, I looked over at an open field, that amazingly enough has not been bulldozed for more fucking housing, any how.. I see a dog limping across the field, thinly covered in the mist/fog, and as the dog come's towards the traffic, I realize, its a Coyote.... it stops, and looks, with its front paw bent up, a loan tan coyote, in a field, early in the morning, w/mist and fog surrounding it... and I swear, as I sat there at the stop light, and looked at the coyote, with the rain falling on my windshield, no radio, the kids were quiet, all we could here was the rain falling on the car, and the sound of the windshield wipers, and I swear, that Coyote and I had a moment... as we stared at each other, eye to eye, with the elements surrounding us, I heard him say.. stop devoloping my home! My family and I are being ran out, where will we go? How will I feed my children? What will I do, then he turned, and started back towards the thick fog, and w/one last glance over his shoulder I heard " Remember me, I too, am here, living, breathing and surviving" and then he disappeared among the fog, mist & rain...

Did I really see him? Did anyone else see him? Yes, he was there, the kids saw him and they too were just as memorized as I. And, then the light changes, and off to the hussle and bussle of the Monday morning commute and then I hear my son say, Mom..the coyote is heartbroken. You could see it in his eyes.

Yes, honey.. I know..
His day will come
He will be free
and able to roam where he's ment to be
all things come accordingly
and all things get what they deserve.
So mote it be!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Somedays are better than Others

Well I'll be a June bug on a hot summer night!!!!

Here at work, we have something called Thrive awards..
and today.. I found out I got a nice Thrive award...
I dont know from who.. and I dont know why.. all I know is
that I have an extra cash that is now burning a large whole in my pocket...

What ever should I buy???
Or should I be a good girl, and pay off a few of those over hanging bills???

Either way, its nice to be reconized for something..
and here I was HATING my job.

Thank you Corporate America! I appreciate it!!!!!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Your Element is Earth
Your power color: yellow
Your energy: balancing
Your season: changing of seasons
Dedicated and responsible, you are a rock to your friends.You are skilled at working out even the most difficult problems.Low key and calm, you are happiest when you are around loved ones.Ambitious and goal oriented, you have long term plans to be successful.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Something Fun

So I sent out an email, something stupid and fun to see what response's I would get back
the question was
One word..... Describe me in ONE WORD - just one. Send it to me (only me) then forward .

The response's were interesting...
Here ya go

Shane: Uninhibited
Shelley: Vibrant
James: Amazing
Mason: Amazing
Jon: Hottie
Stephanie: Adventurer
My Mother: MINE
Debbie: Vivacious

Just something fun... 2 guys thought I was amazing.. yet, they really dont "KNOW" me

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Random thoughts

Do you ever wonder, what you would change if you could go back in time and change some of the things that you had done?

Wow, I have made so many mistakes and have so many transgressions that I should be ashamed of. But seriously... Would I change any of it? Who would I be today if I had not dropped out of school? If I had not left home at 14? If I had not seen and done some of the unnecessary evils that I committed through out those adolescent teen years?
Would I still be who I am?
Then again, exactly who am I?
Do I even know who I am?
Do you know who you are?
Seriously sit down and think about it, how do you view yourself?
How do others view you?
I like to think Im fair/compassionate/kind/caring/sincere/funny/smart
a non-bullshitter I guess.
I live according to the rules that I have made up out of my own life, I don't break the law, unless I feel its absolutely necessary (well except for my lead foot when I drive)
I don't steal/don't commit any heinous acts upon others.

Im a good person. Im a beautiful person inside and out
so over all.. its a good thing that Im me
and that all the things Ive done through out my life has made me who I am today.
I may not be all that book smart, but sometimes you will get farther in life having "street" knowledge, than book knowledge.

Whats your thoughts?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Monday, Monday

Its another fun filled day in the work arena..

My weekend.. nothing really to report
Went shopping at Costco.. they really need to change the name of that store, to something like, over $200 store, I can NEVER get outta that store under $200.. never fails.. and word of advice, never go grocery shopping when your hungry!! I bough crap that I dont need, nor do the kids.. oh well..

Saved a 7mo old pit bull from death, so needless to say, I now have a damn dog. Mind you, I love dogs, and I have been wanting one, but pits are NOT my breed of choice. But I couldnt allow them to put him down, long story short, he's an AKC registerd full blood Pit. He's adorable, Oscar the Cat Slayer is his registerd name. So what does that tell you?! So far, all is well, he's a lap dog, right now he probably weights about 40lbs, white/carmel color, good disposition, great w/the kids, hardly barks, but doesnt realize the strength & power that is behind him. Once he does, Im gonna have my hands full! And I thought the wee ones would be difficult. This would be one of those times I say "what was I thinking?"

In other news... my roommate (who's my ex) walked into his ex-wife's house to pick up his daughter, walked into his ex's bedroom (not sure why, not my business) and walked into a cloud of meth smoke. Nice huh? Anyhow, so he grabbed his daughter and his ex's other child and left, brought them to my house, contacted the father of the son (who has custody of his son because mom gave him up when he was 2 cuz she didnt really want him) and together they contacted CPS (child protective services) the local police wrote statements, and so forth and so on.
Now, this crack head is something else. I have known here for a few years and she is the most backstabbing/lieing/selfish/self centered bitch you will EVER meet. Not sure what he's planning on doing, as he has no way of taking care of her, he has no legal parental rights and he's sleeping on my couch for gawd sakes. But, nobody wants her to go to state care, so if push comes to shove I guess she could come to my house, however I would be the one who would probably be help responsible as R (the dad) is on probation and has a warrant out for his arrest as he's been neglecting his probation (can u say dumbass) mainly cuz he's been trying to take care of his job and daughter as I found out, he's known about this little drug habit for some time.

Stay tuned in for more drama... Happy Monday

Friday, October 14, 2005

Am I just a Bitch?

So, we have been extremely short staffed here at work, hiring freeze has been in full force, until finally management has realized that some of us have been working 12 hr days and working on the weekends. So finally, we get new-hires. Not FTE.. oh no, cant go there, but temps... to come in, do parts of our jobs, to make things easier on us, then they are gone... so we can end up working OT again.

So, I get myself a "newbie" I have to train her on a piece of my job, so she can pick up for me because Im covering 3 peoples position. So Im training, and I ask her a question if she had read one of our manuals and if she understood everything, cuz its kind of technical, I mean, Hi.. I work in the Telecommunications Industry for an SS7 provider.. we provide networking and database services across the world. Anyhow, I ask her if she was able to understand what she read and if she needed to sit w/Product management maybe to understand, ( I know for me, just reading the written word... Doesn't always understand, Im a diagram kind of gal) anyhow.. she looks me dead in the eye and says... " I do know how to read & Im a good reader"
K... um.. great.. Did I fucking ask you if you know how to read????!!!!

I mean, wow... Don't try to impress me, I don't sign your paychecks, but don't ever take that tone of voice w/me again and don't ever be so condescending. Must just be me, cuz it totally pissed me off.
Now, mind you, I have a rep around work of being a non-bullshitter. Im straight to the point, and could care less if I upset you or make you sad. Im not here to make friends, Im here to do my job, (which I completely enjoy) and get my paycheck to take care of whats mine. And Im damn good at my job, granted like everyone I do make mistakes.. but I will fess up and take full responsibility..and correct what I screwed up on. (doesn't happen often but it happens)

Where was I? So, about 3 min later, if that... I told her to go sit w/someone else, cuz she royally ticked me off and I just couldn't assist her anylonger..

So.. am I just a bitch? did I take it to personal? Or was she thinking that I was downgrading her

whatever.. I don't have time for this shit!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Ever have those days when you just want to be left the fuck alone?

I stayed home from work yesterday, as I have the worse case of bronchitas, and my co-workers are getting a tad irritated w/me for coughing and spreading my germs through the air ducts.
So, I left early Monday, and decided to say screw it, and stayed home yesterday. Well, I basically slept my life away yesterday after getting the wee ones off to school.

Last night, Im laying in bed, hadnt taken a shower, only brushed my teeth, feeling like death was standing at the foot of my bed, crookin' his wee little finger at me, saying.. "come here little girl, this big daddy wants to show you hell's kitchen" when in walks W... he's my daughters father who has been staying w/me.. he jumps on the bed, lays on top of me, and is kissin' my neck and running his hands all over me.

um.. hmmm....lets see.. WTF???!!!! I dont feel good, and I KNOW I dont look good, so get the fuck up jack ass!!! So Im twisting and Im turning, and Im bitchin' and its turning him on... dude just got it the other night (ok, so we aint together but damn that man can fuck!!! TMI huh?)
anyhow... I get pissy..then I go into a coughing fit, and so then he gets pissed, and finally goes downstairs.. he's gone for like an hr.... which is fine by me.. later!!!
So what does he do???? Are you ready for this? Are ya sittin down? ok.. he brings me up my favorite homemade mint chocolate chip cookies... and a glass of 7up... for me, he went downstairs and made me cookies.. cuz I didnt feel good... now is that a good man or what? It was so sweet of him.

So moral of the story..
Sometimes being a bitch does pay off...
All I wanted was to be left alone in my misery so I could die in peace. Is that to much to ask for?
Then the dumb-ass had to go and do something nice for me, so I couldnt even be pissy w/him? Yeah, I know..I should be greatful and thankful and whatever else.

Ok..I am... but again... what about me eating those few cookies, when I probably should of just taped them straight to my ass!!! haha.. more later

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

10 Facts Men Dont Know about Women

I dont agree w/all these... I actually love a good Mettalica concert...

1. We are more vulgar than you. We just aren't as loud.
2. We don't really mind when you leave the toilet seat up. It's evidence that you didn't piss all over it.
3. We drink till you're cute too.
4. Whoever told you that we love spooning is wrong. You fall asleep immediately, and we're pinned under your heavy, sweaty limbs, trying desperately to break free before you start snoring.
5. No, we don't want to listen to you play the Guns N' Roses song you just learned on your guitar (or bass or drums). We are not in college anymore. Sitting on your couch while you struggle through "November Rain" is painful. Have mercy.
6. "You are so smart" actually means, "You are so adorable when you try to act smart."
7. Sexy beats cute. Smart trumps sexy. Funny takes the pot.
8. When we say cool, really, wow, and huh, we're not listening, either.
9. We don't really expect you to like romantic comedies. We just make you watch them as a payback for all the baseball games, Metallica concerts, and Super Bowl parties we sit through with you. And for the record, we, unlike you, have yet to fall asleep in the middle of any of them.
10. We never fake orgasms. Okay, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Why there was no looting after Hurricane Rita....  Posted by Picasa

Monday, October 03, 2005

Ah...the wee ones

I love my sister Posted by Picasa

My kids are such photo hounds.. and clowns to say the least...
however for as much as they like to pretend they despise each other
this is one of the many pic's that they took together where they actually seem
to like each other...

Arnt they cute??? Now if they would just get a job and support me in the fashion I wish
to become accustomed to..all would be well..LOL.. just kidding.. Im not ready for them to grow up yet.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Kids n Drugs

So Im watching the news last night and on comes a report about a 3yr old
who was brought to the Centralia Hospital, high on meth. Crystal Meth, that was probably just laying around his house because one of his loving parents is a drug addict, and as most children that age do, he puts it in his mouth, and what do you know.. the kid is seeing purple and pink dinosaures flying across the room, and running around so damn quick that it gives a whole new meaning to ADHD.

Where are these parents minds? Granted, they are higher than the Empire State building, but, where were their minds prior to gettin' hooked? Been there done that, and you know what, when I found out that I was bringing another life into this world that I was going to have devote the next 25 yrs to someone else, to raise them according to what they should be, to help them understand right from wrong, morals, caring, loving individuals and who can help this fucked up society that we currently live in.

The report goes on to say, that in Lewis County (where that child resides) almost 75% of the children in foster care there were pulled out due to their parents being drug addicts or alcholics.
Its so sad, I look at my children, and their are days that I feel I am not providing for them the way I wish to, but you know what. They are not living w/strangers, their mother isnt a crack whore, they have food on the table, clean clothes on their backs, a bed to sleep in and an occasional outting to a nice place.

So you know what.. help a child in need. There are those that are worse off.
And my heart goes out to that small child

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Get me outta here!  Posted by Picasa

Relaxed and peaceful

I got laid!!!

I know, like ya'll give a damn,
But whats amazing as what is does for the body.
The relaxation, the inner peace..the all.

Im sure I sound like a slut, but hey... it wasnt like I picked the guy up at the local whore hole, nope.. its my daughters father, so its not like I havnt been there before. Whats a little "fuck buddy" action?

Friends w/benefits? Stress reliever? um.. its all good.. and let me tell you.. it was all GOOD!!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I do apologize

Not that anyone else reads this.. but I do apologize for just leaving like that.. wow.. its been awhile...

Same ol' drama same ol' day in the life of Me

W is still here, R is poking around again.

Work is a pain in the arse

The kids are alive and well

Ive been sicker than a dog the last week, but still able to make it into work every day

My 33rd birthday is coming up.. and Im kind of dreading it

I havent gotten laid in almost a month.. and Im not a happy person to be around

Im still loosing weight though, so thats a plus.. of course guess it helps if I eat

Im about ready to go buy a new B.O.B maybe that will make me somewhat happier, with no chances of catching anything

oh yeah.. alls well!!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

More Info

Ok... I figured I would provide a little bit more info on me....

I grew up in a basic normal family, I guess, Mom/Dad, 2 brothers, my Grandfather (my dad's dad) and my Grandmother (my mom's mom) all lived w/us.
My Grandfather pass on my birthday, the day I turne 8. So I have that lovely memory every year. And my Grandmother passed when I was 17, from Alzheimers. sad sad sad.. me and grammy were very close.
Anyhow... my parents seperated when I was like 12, I was given the choice to move w/my mother to California, or stay in Washington w/my father...hmmm...lets think about this, Im gonna stay in WA where all my friends are, duh!!!
So..I stayed, and discovered some extra curricular activities w/my friends, such as a little Mary Jane... which went into some drinking, into some crystal meth, into acid, into lets party all the time oh this is fun, fuck life, and lets just become a drug addict and oh while Im at it.. I think I should leave home at 14 and live on the streets... no wait... I should go home, so off and on the streets for a few years. Then at 16, I tried to clean up a little bit, was home, got a job, was going to school.. and then I met J... 23 yrs old, no responsibilities, and he had the hook up's. Lets quit school, fuck the job, and go live w/J on the streets and become more of an addict. Aww yeah... life was great.. me J and my friend S and her man JR, lets go party by the lake, get fucking wasted and oh crap..there's the police, they call my father, who says throw her in jail I dont want her around my house, so the cops call S's mom.. who worked for the County Sherriff's office, who offers to come pick us up (mind you we were drunk off our asses and/or higher than kites, dont remember which..) she picks us up, drops us off at her house, we say fuck you all.. and have J & JR pick us up, and we are on the run... head to Eastern WA, to stay w/S's father who um.. well didnt recieve us well, so lets live in the car.. sounds like fun huh!!! did that for a few months, then S&JR hitchhike home, and J & I and another couple who we befriended, decide to steal a car and head to San Diego.... what a ride, what a trip... and OMG we didnt get caught.. until me and my stupid wisdom, lets stop at my Aunties house to get some $$$...
Isnt this boring shit??? Anyhow..long story short.. I stay at my Aunties, who passes me off on my cousin, J , S & JR leave... and Im stuck in LA.. (by the way... hated it) so I hitchhike back to WA...
I hooked up with an outreach program, just shy of my 17th birthday.. and let me tell you, they turned my shit around. Job training, college, off the dope, back on my feet, back in w/the family and all's getting hella better...
Had my wee ones.. and WOW..theres so much more.. but I dont wanna bore you right outta the gate.. stay tuned.. I left ALOT out!!


Thursday, September 08, 2005


I woke up this morning feeling rather blah...there has been some kind of shift w/in myself that is causing me to just freakin "wig" out.
One minute Im fine, and the next minute, I feel the pressure in my chest, and my heart starts racing, I get all nervous, and my vision gets blurred, and then, my hands start shaking... and I just start yelling/bitching/going psycho. You know this makes my job really hard. Damn good thing I can just shut my office door and then people dont bother me! I have been getting so angry lately that Im self-destructing, Im tearing apart my home and probably scarin' the hell out of my family. Im not physical towards any of them, but the yelling and throwing of things are bad enough! So, Im off to a counselor to get my anger back under control, to figure out what is triggering my "episodes"

On the other note, my son is sleep walking, that has me a tad concerned. He has the downstairs bedroom, and he's freaked out about someone coming through the bedroom window and taking him away or something, so most of the time he ends up sleeping on the floor in his sisters room or the floor in my room. Not Good!!! This kid is almost 12, he's a little old to still be sleeping w/mommy!!!! Anyhow my other half has been sleeping on the couch so the boy feels more comfy downstairs, he said that last night he watched our son make 3 trips upstairs to check on his sister and me, and then the 4th trip he just came down and sat in the front room... I dont know what the deal is, just zoned out until W had to wake him up and tell him to go back to bed... the poor boy'o... tis very tired, he's not getting the sleep that he needs!!! Time to take him to a Dr too...

My daughter broke her wrist last week rollerblading.. took her in yesterday she got herself a beautiful purple cast, other than that, she's doing well

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Im so saddened by the devestation of Katrina. I feel like I should go volunteer at the Red Cross and go try to help out the best I can, and do what I can. This disaster makes my problems w/life seem to minimul and I guess they are.

But what I dont get, is the looters. Who are these selfish assholes that are robbing guns and trying to break into hospitals? I understand breaking into the local Rite Aid to steal water/food/medical supplies... but to break down the local Walmart and clean out the gun section and to take the new tv's. WTF? For what.. um hello you damn ass's, you dont have any electricity, let alone cable... OMG.. fu**ing idiots.

I feel the loss for them, and here I sit, knowing I get to go home in an hr from my job, and cook a wholesome meal for my kids, and then take a shower and lay down in my comfortable bed. That seems so wrong to me.

I saw an ad for the American Red Cross, 20 hrs of training, then they will send u to volunteer. Im seriously thinking I should, there has got to be SOMETHING I can do.

Some Info - if you care

Ok, so a little about me.
I have two beautiful children, they are my everything, for lack of better words they complete me. My son is 11, he is such a funny little man, it amazes me at how grown up he is. It amazes me at how much like me he is, always wanting to make people laugh & smile to make them happy. He's so worried about making people happy. Yet watch out, he has a temper (which I know he gets from me) He's starting middle school this year. 6th grade!!! OMG!!! I remember middle school, thats when I was introduced to what the world was really about, no more safe cacooned little world, welcome to reality! Oh I do hope he makes it through ok w/out any major life changing moments. I mean, I realize he is going to change, and he's gonna grow and the next few years are going to teach him lesson's w/in life and help him to understand why people are people. But Im not ready to loose my funny monkey.
My daughter... she is mini me! At least that's what everyone tells me. She looks like me, acts like me, talks like me, same facial expressions as me and she is such a bossy little bug! Oh..wait.. so am I! Ok,,,, I get it already. She is 8, and smarter than her own good. I swear she is going into the 3rd grade, already reads at a 5th grade level, does math just under the 5th grade level, knits/crochets and loves to sing! And she's a worrier.. she worries over everything I try to keep her mind occupied on other things, but it just doesnt work. She worries about the food in the cupboard, gas in the car, if the bills are paid, laundry.. you name it.. she worries about it. But if I told her to clean her room.. oh no... she dont worry about that!
Anyhow.. my living situation is a little mucked up. I live w/my ex boyfriend and my daughters father. Now, mind you, there is nothing going on w/either of them. We are all roommates sharing the expenses. But its a long long long story and one that I dont wish to get into right now. But I swear, parts of my life should be on the Jerry Springer show.
I will give you a little bit of it to wet thy whistle, My sons father and my daughters father were best friends in high schoool. The ex that I live w/I also dated when I was 16 (for about a yr). There ya go.. as the world turns, ho hum, its just another fu**ed day in my life.
W/out my wee ones, I dont know how I would cope.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

1st entry

Well, this would be my first entry into the screwed up world I live in.

Some days I wonder what in the hell am I thinking? Did God really give me a brain, or is this some cruel joke? What, he had nothing better to do than to f*** w/me? Um..Hello God? Are you out there somewhere, I mean, you gotta be right? You created all this beauty around us, gave me 2 of the most beautiful creations in the world, yet you give me all this shit that Im just not sure I can handle. What were you thinking????

Ok Ok, you are only handed as much as you can deal with right? Well, Im at my whits end, so does this mean that something has got to go my way sooner or later right?

Yeah right, it seems that more and more and more and more and more just keeps getting passed onto my platter.. well.. um.. hello.. the freakin platter is full and is about to break into 4 million small shards that are going to be imbedded in the carpet and then someone is going to walk across it and their gonna get cut! So my words to you.... STOP ALREADY!!!!

My friend once described me as being emotionally flatlined, I sat down and seriously thought about that and came to the conclusion that Im not.. I mean I can be, I can be the most coldest cruelest bitch you ever met, as long as you dont mean anything to me, but on the other hand, I think I would give you my last $10 if you really needed it (of course you better pay me back)
then again, I love what is mine, I care for what is mine and I do have feelings damn it!!!

Ok..enough for now.. I will maybe write more later...