Gangs are running rampid through out the United States
Im not going to claim to know anything about them.. all Im going to say..
it's that it's down right fucking scary!
During my street living days.. the police dept decided to start looking into this whole gang related lifestyle.. for whatever reason, they seemed to think that a group of us, were forming a gang.
Granted, there were a few of our "group" that were contineously in trouble with the law, in and out of jail, not just for drugs, but for assault, burglarly, felonies, consumption, and god only knows what else. (note..I was NOT one of those)
The "men" of our group decided that since we were being stereotyped that we may as well come up with a name for our little "group". The SLB was born.. Street Lover Boys... the girls... SLG... Street Lover Girls (kind of corny huh?)
The guys had tatoo's on there for arms, some of the girls got tat's too.. luckily I never fell into that.. but.. the Police Dept didnt take to kindly to us forming our "gang".
During my street living times, I would wonder home once in awhile, stay for a few weeks, remembered why I didnt want to live with my father, and would take off again. It was during one of my brief home visits while I was at school, that I realized just how serious the SLB was taking their little "gang". During a school assembly, the Police Dept was there to discuss with student/teachers & parents the threat that was living on our Downtown streets.
As I sat in that school gymnasium, I see pictures flashing up on the wall coming from a projector.. pictures of my Jim, pictures of D & R & J & everyone else I know.. and then.. the girls.. the SLG.. there's me.. and S & T & others of our association ... oh yeah.. as I sat in that gymnasium.. in a room full of my peers, there I am, up on screen the whole school being informed that I am a gang member. That we deal drugs, organize assualts, theft and other things that are associated to crime activities.
That assembly was so intense, little did I realize that I was associated with a "gang". Little did I realize that I was being watched for "gang" activities. Little did I realize that I associated with "gang" members. I had no part in a gang. I took no part in any assualts (well except the ones that pushed me first) I took no part in dealing of drugs ( I just consumed the drugs I didnt deal them) I took no part in any thefts ( only thing I have ever stollen was a bottle of nail polish when I was 11 on a dare) so how in the world was I being associated with a gang?
Ahhh... that's just it.. I associated with the SLB.. I was dating an older guy, one of the "leaders" of this so called gang..
We were just a group of strung out, under indulged teenagers. Looking for a good time, a way to get high or drunk. Now.. I look back and I think about those days.... sure.. there were assualts.. I do remember some of the guys stealing to get money.. I remember some bad ass things.
Like the time R came running down the street, blood dripping from his hand, yelling he just stabbed someone.
I remember some of the guys intimidating a witness in a rape case.. ( I had nothing to do with it)
but.. I remember .. I remember... I do rememer some things..
Does that make us a gang?
Or does that make us a group of dumb asses?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
48 Hr Build
I was raised a Jehovah's Witness.. from birth until I finally left the "congregation" when I was 12.
The Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witness's didnt like to spend lot's of money, so when a new Hall needed to be built, they would do a 48 hr build. Yep, you guessed it, a Hall would be errected and finished w/in 48 hours. Now, Im sure some of you would say impossible.. but.. in all truth.. not impossible.. it was amazing to watch ground breaking, to walls errected, to furniture put in, to the cutting of the ribbon.. all w/in 48 hrs.
Let me break it down a little for you.
Land clearing would take place a week prior.. the Brothers & Sisters would do ALL the work that was required.. we would pull in electricions & plumbers from other congregations to assist... handymen, contractors, builders, engineer's, you name it.. the JW's had them somewhere, some place.. and in some cases they would fly in from other states if another congregation absolutely needed them!!!! All at their own expense too.. the Watchtower Society never paid for their Brother & Sister's to go help a 48 Hr Build.. at least.. not to my knowledge.
The last 48 hr build I attended, was the turning point of my life.. I think anyway.. I dreamt of this last night, and figured that I should blog about it..
So anyway.. like I said, my last 48 hr build was I like to think now.. my turning point.
A group of us took off into the adjacent woods.. I think I was 11, there was me.. my friend S.. who was the only worldy friend my Mother allowed me to have, and that only reason was because she lived across the street from us, and we went to school together. So.. on this particular God-Fearing event.. S accompanied me...
Like I was saying, S & I.. and the Martinez brothers, and 4 others.. whom I cant remember their names for the life of me.. all took off into the woods.. our parents were busy building, sweeping, sawing, cleaning, cooking.. and whatever else our parents did at these builds. Us wee ones shirked our responsibility and high tailed it outta there..
We sat in a circle.. and basically started a cool game of spin the bottle..
And whenever that bottle got spun, some type of no-no-no was being done.
Kissing, groping, more kissing.. more groping..
Things that good little JW boys & girls were NOT allowed to do.
I was sent off into the woods w/one of the Martinez brothers..
Our dare, was to see how far the two of us would go?
I was 11 years old.. he was 11 years old..
What did we know of "going all the way"?
What did we know of any of this stuff?
The majority of us were raised in a strict enviroment.. but not the Martinez boys..
oh now.. they were new to the "fold" they had been worldly first.. at that time, I think they had only been witnesses for maybe 2 yrs.
Oh yeah.. 11 yrs old.. w/no previous knowledge of the birds & the bee's.. no real knowledge of the outside world.. sure.. my friend S.. but she lived in a single one parent home, and her mom kept a tight rule on her.. and she was Catholic!!!
So.. off into the woods he and I go.. he lays his jacket on the ground.. I lay down.. he joins.. he's kissing me.. and his hand starts to go up my shirt..
and I got a bad case of the giggles.. which turned into a loud case of the laughs.. followed by, him looking at me.. and wondering what in the hell possesed me..
We got up, went back to the group, I know my face was red.. and I was still laughing.. lord oh lord.. I couldnt stop laughing..that pretty much broke up our little game of spin the bottle.. but.. on that cold, over casted day.. I got a taste of what true freedom was!
I got a taste of what else there was in the world.. I got a taste of forbidden advances, of things you were only allowed between two married people.
I had a taste for Freedom!!!!!
I walked away from the Congregation just before my 13th birthday... I discovered so many other things.. cigarrettes, drinking, pot... and sex.. I lost my virginity at the age of the summer before I turned 13.... that time in the woods at the 48 hr build.. was the beginning to the end.. the end to my innocence.. the begging to a whole new world..
There are still some things I believe in from my JW days.. some scriptures that are still imbedded in my mind.. thoughts & teachings that were taught that are still a part of me today.
But.. I wouldnt change anything..
cuz regardless of all the things Ive done to myself.. I am still proud of me!!!
The Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witness's didnt like to spend lot's of money, so when a new Hall needed to be built, they would do a 48 hr build. Yep, you guessed it, a Hall would be errected and finished w/in 48 hours. Now, Im sure some of you would say impossible.. but.. in all truth.. not impossible.. it was amazing to watch ground breaking, to walls errected, to furniture put in, to the cutting of the ribbon.. all w/in 48 hrs.
Let me break it down a little for you.
Land clearing would take place a week prior.. the Brothers & Sisters would do ALL the work that was required.. we would pull in electricions & plumbers from other congregations to assist... handymen, contractors, builders, engineer's, you name it.. the JW's had them somewhere, some place.. and in some cases they would fly in from other states if another congregation absolutely needed them!!!! All at their own expense too.. the Watchtower Society never paid for their Brother & Sister's to go help a 48 Hr Build.. at least.. not to my knowledge.
The last 48 hr build I attended, was the turning point of my life.. I think anyway.. I dreamt of this last night, and figured that I should blog about it..
So anyway.. like I said, my last 48 hr build was I like to think now.. my turning point.
A group of us took off into the adjacent woods.. I think I was 11, there was me.. my friend S.. who was the only worldy friend my Mother allowed me to have, and that only reason was because she lived across the street from us, and we went to school together. So.. on this particular God-Fearing event.. S accompanied me...
Like I was saying, S & I.. and the Martinez brothers, and 4 others.. whom I cant remember their names for the life of me.. all took off into the woods.. our parents were busy building, sweeping, sawing, cleaning, cooking.. and whatever else our parents did at these builds. Us wee ones shirked our responsibility and high tailed it outta there..
We sat in a circle.. and basically started a cool game of spin the bottle..
And whenever that bottle got spun, some type of no-no-no was being done.
Kissing, groping, more kissing.. more groping..
Things that good little JW boys & girls were NOT allowed to do.
I was sent off into the woods w/one of the Martinez brothers..
Our dare, was to see how far the two of us would go?
I was 11 years old.. he was 11 years old..
What did we know of "going all the way"?
What did we know of any of this stuff?
The majority of us were raised in a strict enviroment.. but not the Martinez boys..
oh now.. they were new to the "fold" they had been worldly first.. at that time, I think they had only been witnesses for maybe 2 yrs.
Oh yeah.. 11 yrs old.. w/no previous knowledge of the birds & the bee's.. no real knowledge of the outside world.. sure.. my friend S.. but she lived in a single one parent home, and her mom kept a tight rule on her.. and she was Catholic!!!
So.. off into the woods he and I go.. he lays his jacket on the ground.. I lay down.. he joins.. he's kissing me.. and his hand starts to go up my shirt..
and I got a bad case of the giggles.. which turned into a loud case of the laughs.. followed by, him looking at me.. and wondering what in the hell possesed me..
We got up, went back to the group, I know my face was red.. and I was still laughing.. lord oh lord.. I couldnt stop laughing..that pretty much broke up our little game of spin the bottle.. but.. on that cold, over casted day.. I got a taste of what true freedom was!
I got a taste of what else there was in the world.. I got a taste of forbidden advances, of things you were only allowed between two married people.
I had a taste for Freedom!!!!!
I walked away from the Congregation just before my 13th birthday... I discovered so many other things.. cigarrettes, drinking, pot... and sex.. I lost my virginity at the age of the summer before I turned 13.... that time in the woods at the 48 hr build.. was the beginning to the end.. the end to my innocence.. the begging to a whole new world..
There are still some things I believe in from my JW days.. some scriptures that are still imbedded in my mind.. thoughts & teachings that were taught that are still a part of me today.
But.. I wouldnt change anything..
cuz regardless of all the things Ive done to myself.. I am still proud of me!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
2007 Words to Memorize
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Salmon Day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Cube Farm:
An office filled w/cubicles.
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on .
Mouse Potato:
The on-line wired generations answer to the couch potato.
Sitcoms:
Single Income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home w/the kids.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swipeout:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 not found" meaning that the requested site could not be located.
Generica:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
Ohnosecond:
The minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
Woofs:
Well-Off Older Folks
Crop Dusting:
Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Salmon Day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Cube Farm:
An office filled w/cubicles.
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on .
Mouse Potato:
The on-line wired generations answer to the couch potato.
Sitcoms:
Single Income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home w/the kids.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swipeout:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 not found" meaning that the requested site could not be located.
Generica:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
Ohnosecond:
The minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
Woofs:
Well-Off Older Folks
Crop Dusting:
Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Dark Days w/a view of sunshine
As many of you know..I was homeless off and on thru out my teen years.
This had nothing to do w/my parents.. it was all me.. my choices...my decisions...
Sleeping arrangments were always hard to come by. However there were 2 spots that we normally slept.
The White House
Dubbed this because it was a big 2 story run down, if a stiff wind came along it would blow over, white house... full of other "bum's" that lived downtown.
But this was one of my havens, it sat smack dab in the middle of Downtown Oly. Why it took the city so long to knock it down I dont know. Maybe because they realized if that white house wasnt there, us slacking/strung out demons of society would descend onto the streets of downtown oly late at night attempting to cop a squat in doorways or fine establishments such as the Governors House..
Abondended Warehouse
We mainly stayed at the warehouse, it was cold, damp, large and free from other's.
But the memories that place holds, are some of my fondest, we had many long philosophical acid tripping conversations sitting in this warehouse. The local PD would bring us coffee and donuts on those cold rainy/windy/wintery mornings. Some of the actual OPD actually kept an eye on us, I personally think it was because our families were in touch w/the police and that's how they kept in touch with us (especially since one of my friends mother was the secretary to the local Sherriff)
Both buildings are gone now... the white house lot has been replaced by a large city transit statioin.
The Warehouse...has been torn down, and is now just a vacant lot.. however..what I find interesting, is the fact that there is a problem in my current location where homelessness is an issue. We have a group of homeless men & women who setup a "tent city" on the Warehouse lot, to demenstrate that the city needs to address the homeless situation.
My thoughts on that.. if you dont want to be homeless, then dont be, there are a ton of programs out there that will assist you. I dont feel sorry for the homeless population.
I feel sorry for some of the ones who are elderly and/or mentally handicapped..and the children of parents who dont know how to care for them.
But, the others, the ones in their late teens and into their whatever age, that can care for themselves but are to damn lazy to do anything..
thats not my problem.. it's there's.. been there done that.. and cleaned my ass up.. they can too!!!
Any how..
Food..
We ate at the local Salvation Army... that was a treat.. cuz you had to be there for dinner by a specefic time... and if you showed up late.. you didnt get fed..
so we found other ways to eat too.. no..I never did the whole dumpster diving.. I could NEVER bring myself to that.. but.. the a few of the AM/PM's at midnight would throw out their pre-made food because they would have to make new.. so we would show up and instead of them throwing it away.. they would give it to us.. burrittos', taquitos, hamburgers, corn dogs.. and sometimes they would let us take a large fountain drink...
Oh..I know this sounds all depressing... but.. if I could go back in time, Im not sure if I would change anything. I had a blast living the way I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, with who I wanted to be with. Being where I wanted to be. I had no one to answer too.. and when your high.. things really arnt all that bad.
Dont get me wrong.. I sure as hell couldnt live like that now.. I like my comfy bed, my tv at night, my warm meal, and driving my wee little car.. the clean clothes on my back, and being able to take a shower when ever I damn well feel like it.
Speaking of showering.. I befriended an elderly lady who worked for the local community center.. she would allow my friend and I to come in every other day and use the showering facilities.. normally it was 5ocents... but she would pay for it..and provide all the hygiene products.. she was the sweetest little ol' women.. in turn, S & I would help clean up the restrooms so she wouldnt have to.. that was our payment to her for allowing us to shower.
See... we may of been homeless, on drugs, unruly at times, but one thing our parents did teach us, was you dont steal.. you dont lie.. and you dont cheat people..
of course they brought up the whole drug stuff too..but I obviously didnt listen to that!!
We have all pretty much cleaned up and gotten our lives straight..
a few have OD'd and have gone onto whatever their next life was.
A few have stayed in the same lifestyle..
Either way.. it was fun.. it was some whacked memories..
maybe there will be more to come
This had nothing to do w/my parents.. it was all me.. my choices...my decisions...
Sleeping arrangments were always hard to come by. However there were 2 spots that we normally slept.
The White House
Dubbed this because it was a big 2 story run down, if a stiff wind came along it would blow over, white house... full of other "bum's" that lived downtown.
But this was one of my havens, it sat smack dab in the middle of Downtown Oly. Why it took the city so long to knock it down I dont know. Maybe because they realized if that white house wasnt there, us slacking/strung out demons of society would descend onto the streets of downtown oly late at night attempting to cop a squat in doorways or fine establishments such as the Governors House..
Abondended Warehouse
We mainly stayed at the warehouse, it was cold, damp, large and free from other's.
But the memories that place holds, are some of my fondest, we had many long philosophical acid tripping conversations sitting in this warehouse. The local PD would bring us coffee and donuts on those cold rainy/windy/wintery mornings. Some of the actual OPD actually kept an eye on us, I personally think it was because our families were in touch w/the police and that's how they kept in touch with us (especially since one of my friends mother was the secretary to the local Sherriff)
Both buildings are gone now... the white house lot has been replaced by a large city transit statioin.
The Warehouse...has been torn down, and is now just a vacant lot.. however..what I find interesting, is the fact that there is a problem in my current location where homelessness is an issue. We have a group of homeless men & women who setup a "tent city" on the Warehouse lot, to demenstrate that the city needs to address the homeless situation.
My thoughts on that.. if you dont want to be homeless, then dont be, there are a ton of programs out there that will assist you. I dont feel sorry for the homeless population.
I feel sorry for some of the ones who are elderly and/or mentally handicapped..and the children of parents who dont know how to care for them.
But, the others, the ones in their late teens and into their whatever age, that can care for themselves but are to damn lazy to do anything..
thats not my problem.. it's there's.. been there done that.. and cleaned my ass up.. they can too!!!
Any how..
Food..
We ate at the local Salvation Army... that was a treat.. cuz you had to be there for dinner by a specefic time... and if you showed up late.. you didnt get fed..
so we found other ways to eat too.. no..I never did the whole dumpster diving.. I could NEVER bring myself to that.. but.. the a few of the AM/PM's at midnight would throw out their pre-made food because they would have to make new.. so we would show up and instead of them throwing it away.. they would give it to us.. burrittos', taquitos, hamburgers, corn dogs.. and sometimes they would let us take a large fountain drink...
Oh..I know this sounds all depressing... but.. if I could go back in time, Im not sure if I would change anything. I had a blast living the way I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, with who I wanted to be with. Being where I wanted to be. I had no one to answer too.. and when your high.. things really arnt all that bad.
Dont get me wrong.. I sure as hell couldnt live like that now.. I like my comfy bed, my tv at night, my warm meal, and driving my wee little car.. the clean clothes on my back, and being able to take a shower when ever I damn well feel like it.
Speaking of showering.. I befriended an elderly lady who worked for the local community center.. she would allow my friend and I to come in every other day and use the showering facilities.. normally it was 5ocents... but she would pay for it..and provide all the hygiene products.. she was the sweetest little ol' women.. in turn, S & I would help clean up the restrooms so she wouldnt have to.. that was our payment to her for allowing us to shower.
See... we may of been homeless, on drugs, unruly at times, but one thing our parents did teach us, was you dont steal.. you dont lie.. and you dont cheat people..
of course they brought up the whole drug stuff too..but I obviously didnt listen to that!!
We have all pretty much cleaned up and gotten our lives straight..
a few have OD'd and have gone onto whatever their next life was.
A few have stayed in the same lifestyle..
Either way.. it was fun.. it was some whacked memories..
maybe there will be more to come
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Nose Candy
Doing my memories today... Thursday... mainly because I will not be near a computer tomorrow as I have to drive up to Everett to pick up my new car!!! Yeah me!!!
I dont remember my first time snorting meth... I wish I could, I wish I could remember why I made that decision. Why I decided that it was ok to put that up my nose, into my brain, and allow it to flow thru my blood stream. But I honestly dont remember it at all!!
What I do remember are flash backs of times, places, events... and I remember that I was strung out on that crap for almost 5 yrs. How I survived, I have no effing clue.. but I like to think that the higher powers that be had some kind of hand in it.
When I was 19 I was dating the father of my son ( our son wasnt even a twinkle in my eye yet)... we were living in a house in downtown Oly, w/2 other couples. All of us were heavy users... my ex was growing plants in our bedroom closet.. one of our roommates was a pot dealer..the other roommates were just users.. users of people and of their supply... Dumbass (the ex) only had 2 plants growing, (personal consumption he always told me) Pretty Dumb (the dealer) was something.. not sure how to really explain her, but she was something.. this women was older, in her 40's, looked like she was in her 60's... and she had a son who was around my age, who was always in trouble w/the law.
One afternoon, Pretty Dumb's son - Even Dumber showed up.. we all started hanging, snorting, smoking and just having a typical Saturday afternoon.. when Pretty Dumb and her even dumber son get into a huge ass fight.. things were being thrown around the house, slaps were being exchanged.. the neighbors called the police.
Knock at the door.. and everyone.. took off in different directions. Pretty Dumb locks herself in her bedroom, Even Dumber (her son) decides to hide up in the attic, Dumbass (the ex) try's to hide in the bathroom shower... the Users (other roommates) werent home.. so.. Here I go.. and answer the door..
4 OPD's standing at my door.. me being stupid.. open up the door and let them in.. come on in boys'!!!!
I sit down on the couch in the back rec room.. Im so freaking high I dont know who's where, who's who, or who I am.. the mirror is under the couch cushion (the one we did our lines on) the meth is in my pocket.. there are plants growing in my closet.. Im thinking to myself.. what's this all about.. why are they here.. please leave.. I have things to do...
they found Pretty Dumb, locked in her bedroom.. she made it look like she had been in bed sleeping.. They found dumbass in the shower... he did get smart and take off his clothes and turn on the shower.. but the stupid ass forgot to take off his socks..
They open up my closet doors.. and there are those wee little plants.. and halogen lights, and thermometers, and potting soil, and plant food, and buckets of water.. and the officer ask's me what they are.. I look at Dumbass and tell him to deal with it, and you know what he tells' the cops..
"there tomatos officer"
"tomatos? "
"yes sir, tomato's"
"I dont believe you boy, looks like Marijuana to me, you wanna fess up now"
"no sir, I swear.. that there is tomotos"
"well..Im gonna give you a break.. I will be back tomorrow morning.. you have tonight to clean this whole mess up, and put your clothes back in this closet.. and get rid of everything illegal in this house"
And the officers walked out of the house...
We cleaned up everything that night..
The officers never came back that morning..
But there sure were alot more cops in the neighborhood
They never found Even Dumber
Dumbass and I moved out 2 weeks later
We tried to clean our act's up.. but didnt work so much.. it got to the point where Dumbass and I couldnt even stand to be together.. we continued to live together, but we werent together.. he was semi-clean.. he had gotten off of the meth/acid.. still smoking pot
I on the other hand, couldnt let go of the meth..
I wish I could remember why I decided so many years ago, why I made the decision to snort that line. What I do remember is it all started with Ricky..
Ricky.. I really need to tell you about him.. but I dont know where to start..
I need to figure out where and when I met him.. how I met him..
and how he and I ended up being a part of each other's lives for so long...
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I miss those old days.. once in awhile I get the craving for things that I KNOW I should not have. I guess that's the user in me.. the inner demon that still posses me. No matter how many times it try's to claw it's way out, I will NEVER return to that life style. I look at them now and think to myself how could I have allowed myself to be drugged into such a life? And yet, I did.. and yet, I still crave that excitment, that caos, that total loss of control. Somedays it's just a step away from going there... but.. every day I get stronger..
Ive been clean and sober off of drugs for 14 years... if someone was to put a line down in front of me.. I dont honestly know how I would react.. I know I should walk away... but it's the temptation.. it's the memories that flow thru me.. it's the what if's that I live with..
Im pretty positive tho, I would say NO..
Peace!!!
I dont remember my first time snorting meth... I wish I could, I wish I could remember why I made that decision. Why I decided that it was ok to put that up my nose, into my brain, and allow it to flow thru my blood stream. But I honestly dont remember it at all!!
What I do remember are flash backs of times, places, events... and I remember that I was strung out on that crap for almost 5 yrs. How I survived, I have no effing clue.. but I like to think that the higher powers that be had some kind of hand in it.
When I was 19 I was dating the father of my son ( our son wasnt even a twinkle in my eye yet)... we were living in a house in downtown Oly, w/2 other couples. All of us were heavy users... my ex was growing plants in our bedroom closet.. one of our roommates was a pot dealer..the other roommates were just users.. users of people and of their supply... Dumbass (the ex) only had 2 plants growing, (personal consumption he always told me) Pretty Dumb (the dealer) was something.. not sure how to really explain her, but she was something.. this women was older, in her 40's, looked like she was in her 60's... and she had a son who was around my age, who was always in trouble w/the law.
One afternoon, Pretty Dumb's son - Even Dumber showed up.. we all started hanging, snorting, smoking and just having a typical Saturday afternoon.. when Pretty Dumb and her even dumber son get into a huge ass fight.. things were being thrown around the house, slaps were being exchanged.. the neighbors called the police.
Knock at the door.. and everyone.. took off in different directions. Pretty Dumb locks herself in her bedroom, Even Dumber (her son) decides to hide up in the attic, Dumbass (the ex) try's to hide in the bathroom shower... the Users (other roommates) werent home.. so.. Here I go.. and answer the door..
4 OPD's standing at my door.. me being stupid.. open up the door and let them in.. come on in boys'!!!!
I sit down on the couch in the back rec room.. Im so freaking high I dont know who's where, who's who, or who I am.. the mirror is under the couch cushion (the one we did our lines on) the meth is in my pocket.. there are plants growing in my closet.. Im thinking to myself.. what's this all about.. why are they here.. please leave.. I have things to do...
they found Pretty Dumb, locked in her bedroom.. she made it look like she had been in bed sleeping.. They found dumbass in the shower... he did get smart and take off his clothes and turn on the shower.. but the stupid ass forgot to take off his socks..
They open up my closet doors.. and there are those wee little plants.. and halogen lights, and thermometers, and potting soil, and plant food, and buckets of water.. and the officer ask's me what they are.. I look at Dumbass and tell him to deal with it, and you know what he tells' the cops..
"there tomatos officer"
"tomatos? "
"yes sir, tomato's"
"I dont believe you boy, looks like Marijuana to me, you wanna fess up now"
"no sir, I swear.. that there is tomotos"
"well..Im gonna give you a break.. I will be back tomorrow morning.. you have tonight to clean this whole mess up, and put your clothes back in this closet.. and get rid of everything illegal in this house"
And the officers walked out of the house...
We cleaned up everything that night..
The officers never came back that morning..
But there sure were alot more cops in the neighborhood
They never found Even Dumber
Dumbass and I moved out 2 weeks later
We tried to clean our act's up.. but didnt work so much.. it got to the point where Dumbass and I couldnt even stand to be together.. we continued to live together, but we werent together.. he was semi-clean.. he had gotten off of the meth/acid.. still smoking pot
I on the other hand, couldnt let go of the meth..
I wish I could remember why I decided so many years ago, why I made the decision to snort that line. What I do remember is it all started with Ricky..
Ricky.. I really need to tell you about him.. but I dont know where to start..
I need to figure out where and when I met him.. how I met him..
and how he and I ended up being a part of each other's lives for so long...
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I miss those old days.. once in awhile I get the craving for things that I KNOW I should not have. I guess that's the user in me.. the inner demon that still posses me. No matter how many times it try's to claw it's way out, I will NEVER return to that life style. I look at them now and think to myself how could I have allowed myself to be drugged into such a life? And yet, I did.. and yet, I still crave that excitment, that caos, that total loss of control. Somedays it's just a step away from going there... but.. every day I get stronger..
Ive been clean and sober off of drugs for 14 years... if someone was to put a line down in front of me.. I dont honestly know how I would react.. I know I should walk away... but it's the temptation.. it's the memories that flow thru me.. it's the what if's that I live with..
Im pretty positive tho, I would say NO..
Peace!!!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Oh Ricky you WERE so fine...
ok... lets see how much you remember...
I dated Jim for about 3 yrs...during those 3 yrs, we took a number of "breaks" from each other...
during one of those breaks, the longest one he and I had.. I was dating Rick....
I was 16.. he was 14 (OMG... Im a cradle robber)
Ricky, was one of those guys, that got up under my skin and found another spot in my otherwise cold heart. He and I dated for aprox 8 months (which I was dating others too when he wasnt around) He lived in a boys home in another town and recieved weekend passes twice a month. Those weekends were full of some magical evenings.
Ricky was one of 8 kids, all of which had been removed from the home for some reason or another. His family was and still is one of the most fucked up, dysfunctional families I have EVER met. 8 children and I dont think his mother knew who half the fathers were of her kids!
Any how.. Ricky and I would have some of the most outreageous weekends when he would visit.
Between the drugs, the partying, the sex it was out of control. It's like we were on a journey together to see how fucked up each of us could get. Trying to out do the other the only way we knew how.
For Instance:
There were a group of us living in an apt. This apartment complex was one huge drug infested, run down, party all the time sess pool. Some of the lowest dregs of society resided here, and of course, this is where I laid my head down at night on a borrowed pillow.
My friend S was dating Ricky's brother J. J showed up w/a quart sized baggy of "shrooms" which I had not done up until that time. So what the hell, I was already drunk I grabbed a handful and downed them. Little did I realize, I was in for a 3 day ride!!!
That was one of my longest, eventful trips in my drug history days.
Sitting in some chick's apartment, I remember taking off my jewelry because I felt as if my skin was crawling, I laid it on the floor next to me, got up went to the bathroom, came back and all my jewelry was gone. My watch, my gold rose ring that my mother had given me for my 16th birthday, my emerald ring that was my Grandmothers... Gone.. gone.. gone..
I looked everywhere, I pow-wowed w/the others looking for it.. I cried, I thought my head & heart was going to burst out of me. I got depressed.. those two rings ment more to me than any other posession that I had and I had lost them.
I remember walking out of that bitches apartment, and thinking to myself that the owner of the apt. had a look on her face that didnt sit well with me. I marched back into her place grabbed her, swung her around slammed her up a against a wall, and looked at her hand. Guess what that bitch had on her hands? My rings, and my watch around her wrist. I made her give my rings back, take off my watch. I put them in my pocket, and then.. I remember beating the living hell out of that bitch. Now... beating a chick or anyone when your so raged, and strung the fuck out.. not a good thing. I think I broke her nose :( But hey.. the cops never did show up!!! :) not this time anyway....
I went back up to the apt I was squatting in.. Me S/J and Ricky... we were tripping out on Christmas lights, because I think it was around that time of year. When all the sudden, Ricky grabs my hand, tells me he loves me, but.. he cant live on this world anymore.. so he's gonna go jump off the bridge. My rage had already left.. I was starting to find a peaceful inner being.. I never reacted.. all 3 of us, sat looked at Ricky and said.. "ok"
Ricky walked out the door, and didnt return.
We all sat there, sadly it never phased us, none of us reacted, we carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. Until, I would say 2 or so hours later, I looked up at S and asked where Ricky was........ the silence.. I remember that silence.. when J finally spoke and said that he went to jump off the bridge.
We jumped up, ran down the road to the bridge, crawled down under there looking for a body, I remember crying, and then the rage again.. Thank God we never found a body.. but as I was crawling back up the embankment, I look across the street of the bridge, where an Arco Station sat, and there sitting on top of a picnic table to the side of the Arco Station was my Ricky.
He had been waiting for us, and watching us. I ran across the street, right up to him, and slapped him across the face, then threw myself on him and yelled at him to never do that again.
He replied, he did it because he wanted to see how much I cared about him. He was about to jump off the bridge, because it had taken me so long to come locate him.
Wow.. Im not sure if any of that made sense, that memory is still really foggy in my head. I was in a mushroom induced state for almost 3 days. That same weekend, I got hauled off to juvi, for beating up some ass hole that lived in the apt I was squatting in. He was 22, sleeping w/a 13 yr old, and so.. I beat his ass.. he ran out of the apt to the pay phone and called the cops on me.. LOL. I found that so fucking hilarious, cuz he got hauled in for statutory rape.. I got hauled in for beatting up a 22 yr old punk ass mother fucker!!! He got more time than I did.. I got 6 days.. I think he got 3 yrs.. because it wasnt his first offense.
It's weird how the memory block's certain memories, some nights I dream of things that happened in the past, then when I awake I dont remember if they were real or not.
Some things I just write.. w/out really thinking about them...
They are just flashes of memory that come and go.. and I have to get them down as I remember them..
Thanks for reading..
I dated Jim for about 3 yrs...during those 3 yrs, we took a number of "breaks" from each other...
during one of those breaks, the longest one he and I had.. I was dating Rick....
I was 16.. he was 14 (OMG... Im a cradle robber)
Ricky, was one of those guys, that got up under my skin and found another spot in my otherwise cold heart. He and I dated for aprox 8 months (which I was dating others too when he wasnt around) He lived in a boys home in another town and recieved weekend passes twice a month. Those weekends were full of some magical evenings.
Ricky was one of 8 kids, all of which had been removed from the home for some reason or another. His family was and still is one of the most fucked up, dysfunctional families I have EVER met. 8 children and I dont think his mother knew who half the fathers were of her kids!
Any how.. Ricky and I would have some of the most outreageous weekends when he would visit.
Between the drugs, the partying, the sex it was out of control. It's like we were on a journey together to see how fucked up each of us could get. Trying to out do the other the only way we knew how.
For Instance:
There were a group of us living in an apt. This apartment complex was one huge drug infested, run down, party all the time sess pool. Some of the lowest dregs of society resided here, and of course, this is where I laid my head down at night on a borrowed pillow.
My friend S was dating Ricky's brother J. J showed up w/a quart sized baggy of "shrooms" which I had not done up until that time. So what the hell, I was already drunk I grabbed a handful and downed them. Little did I realize, I was in for a 3 day ride!!!
That was one of my longest, eventful trips in my drug history days.
Sitting in some chick's apartment, I remember taking off my jewelry because I felt as if my skin was crawling, I laid it on the floor next to me, got up went to the bathroom, came back and all my jewelry was gone. My watch, my gold rose ring that my mother had given me for my 16th birthday, my emerald ring that was my Grandmothers... Gone.. gone.. gone..
I looked everywhere, I pow-wowed w/the others looking for it.. I cried, I thought my head & heart was going to burst out of me. I got depressed.. those two rings ment more to me than any other posession that I had and I had lost them.
I remember walking out of that bitches apartment, and thinking to myself that the owner of the apt. had a look on her face that didnt sit well with me. I marched back into her place grabbed her, swung her around slammed her up a against a wall, and looked at her hand. Guess what that bitch had on her hands? My rings, and my watch around her wrist. I made her give my rings back, take off my watch. I put them in my pocket, and then.. I remember beating the living hell out of that bitch. Now... beating a chick or anyone when your so raged, and strung the fuck out.. not a good thing. I think I broke her nose :( But hey.. the cops never did show up!!! :) not this time anyway....
I went back up to the apt I was squatting in.. Me S/J and Ricky... we were tripping out on Christmas lights, because I think it was around that time of year. When all the sudden, Ricky grabs my hand, tells me he loves me, but.. he cant live on this world anymore.. so he's gonna go jump off the bridge. My rage had already left.. I was starting to find a peaceful inner being.. I never reacted.. all 3 of us, sat looked at Ricky and said.. "ok"
Ricky walked out the door, and didnt return.
We all sat there, sadly it never phased us, none of us reacted, we carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. Until, I would say 2 or so hours later, I looked up at S and asked where Ricky was........ the silence.. I remember that silence.. when J finally spoke and said that he went to jump off the bridge.
We jumped up, ran down the road to the bridge, crawled down under there looking for a body, I remember crying, and then the rage again.. Thank God we never found a body.. but as I was crawling back up the embankment, I look across the street of the bridge, where an Arco Station sat, and there sitting on top of a picnic table to the side of the Arco Station was my Ricky.
He had been waiting for us, and watching us. I ran across the street, right up to him, and slapped him across the face, then threw myself on him and yelled at him to never do that again.
He replied, he did it because he wanted to see how much I cared about him. He was about to jump off the bridge, because it had taken me so long to come locate him.
Wow.. Im not sure if any of that made sense, that memory is still really foggy in my head. I was in a mushroom induced state for almost 3 days. That same weekend, I got hauled off to juvi, for beating up some ass hole that lived in the apt I was squatting in. He was 22, sleeping w/a 13 yr old, and so.. I beat his ass.. he ran out of the apt to the pay phone and called the cops on me.. LOL. I found that so fucking hilarious, cuz he got hauled in for statutory rape.. I got hauled in for beatting up a 22 yr old punk ass mother fucker!!! He got more time than I did.. I got 6 days.. I think he got 3 yrs.. because it wasnt his first offense.
It's weird how the memory block's certain memories, some nights I dream of things that happened in the past, then when I awake I dont remember if they were real or not.
Some things I just write.. w/out really thinking about them...
They are just flashes of memory that come and go.. and I have to get them down as I remember them..
Thanks for reading..
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