Doing my memories today... Thursday... mainly because I will not be near a computer tomorrow as I have to drive up to Everett to pick up my new car!!! Yeah me!!!
I dont remember my first time snorting meth... I wish I could, I wish I could remember why I made that decision. Why I decided that it was ok to put that up my nose, into my brain, and allow it to flow thru my blood stream. But I honestly dont remember it at all!!
What I do remember are flash backs of times, places, events... and I remember that I was strung out on that crap for almost 5 yrs. How I survived, I have no effing clue.. but I like to think that the higher powers that be had some kind of hand in it.
When I was 19 I was dating the father of my son ( our son wasnt even a twinkle in my eye yet)... we were living in a house in downtown Oly, w/2 other couples. All of us were heavy users... my ex was growing plants in our bedroom closet.. one of our roommates was a pot dealer..the other roommates were just users.. users of people and of their supply... Dumbass (the ex) only had 2 plants growing, (personal consumption he always told me) Pretty Dumb (the dealer) was something.. not sure how to really explain her, but she was something.. this women was older, in her 40's, looked like she was in her 60's... and she had a son who was around my age, who was always in trouble w/the law.
One afternoon, Pretty Dumb's son - Even Dumber showed up.. we all started hanging, snorting, smoking and just having a typical Saturday afternoon.. when Pretty Dumb and her even dumber son get into a huge ass fight.. things were being thrown around the house, slaps were being exchanged.. the neighbors called the police.
Knock at the door.. and everyone.. took off in different directions. Pretty Dumb locks herself in her bedroom, Even Dumber (her son) decides to hide up in the attic, Dumbass (the ex) try's to hide in the bathroom shower... the Users (other roommates) werent home.. so.. Here I go.. and answer the door..
4 OPD's standing at my door.. me being stupid.. open up the door and let them in.. come on in boys'!!!!
I sit down on the couch in the back rec room.. Im so freaking high I dont know who's where, who's who, or who I am.. the mirror is under the couch cushion (the one we did our lines on) the meth is in my pocket.. there are plants growing in my closet.. Im thinking to myself.. what's this all about.. why are they here.. please leave.. I have things to do...
they found Pretty Dumb, locked in her bedroom.. she made it look like she had been in bed sleeping.. They found dumbass in the shower... he did get smart and take off his clothes and turn on the shower.. but the stupid ass forgot to take off his socks..
They open up my closet doors.. and there are those wee little plants.. and halogen lights, and thermometers, and potting soil, and plant food, and buckets of water.. and the officer ask's me what they are.. I look at Dumbass and tell him to deal with it, and you know what he tells' the cops..
"there tomatos officer"
"yes sir, tomato's"
"I dont believe you boy, looks like Marijuana to me, you wanna fess up now"
"no sir, I swear.. that there is tomotos"
"well..Im gonna give you a break.. I will be back tomorrow morning.. you have tonight to clean this whole mess up, and put your clothes back in this closet.. and get rid of everything illegal in this house"
And the officers walked out of the house...
We cleaned up everything that night..
The officers never came back that morning..
But there sure were alot more cops in the neighborhood
They never found Even Dumber
Dumbass and I moved out 2 weeks later
We tried to clean our act's up.. but didnt work so much.. it got to the point where Dumbass and I couldnt even stand to be together.. we continued to live together, but we werent together.. he was semi-clean.. he had gotten off of the meth/acid.. still smoking pot
I on the other hand, couldnt let go of the meth..
I wish I could remember why I decided so many years ago, why I made the decision to snort that line. What I do remember is it all started with Ricky..
Ricky.. I really need to tell you about him.. but I dont know where to start..
I need to figure out where and when I met him.. how I met him..
and how he and I ended up being a part of each other's lives for so long...
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I miss those old days.. once in awhile I get the craving for things that I KNOW I should not have. I guess that's the user in me.. the inner demon that still posses me. No matter how many times it try's to claw it's way out, I will NEVER return to that life style. I look at them now and think to myself how could I have allowed myself to be drugged into such a life? And yet, I did.. and yet, I still crave that excitment, that caos, that total loss of control. Somedays it's just a step away from going there... but.. every day I get stronger..
Ive been clean and sober off of drugs for 14 years... if someone was to put a line down in front of me.. I dont honestly know how I would react.. I know I should walk away... but it's the temptation.. it's the memories that flow thru me.. it's the what if's that I live with..
Im pretty positive tho, I would say NO..