Hello Hello

Thank you to everyone who sent your thoughts my way.

I think the funk is finally disappearing. I am feeling better, there are moments when the clouds start hanging again.. and I can feel the precipitation wanting to fall, but old habits are hard to break, and they get sucked back in, and I move forward.

However.. things are getting better... the sun is shinning at the end of my misery.. and I can actually see the rays of hope!!! Corny I know.. but hey.. whatever!!!LOL...

School is starting next week. I can not wait. Ive had enough of my kidletts being home all summer. We didn't get as much fun stuff in this summer as I had hoped, the economy just wont allow for much entertainment. We got some camping in, went to Canada for a week, did some camping and visiting. I didn't make it to the ocean like I really wanted to tho. I did take a weekend trip to Idaho to see some friends, w/out kids! I had a good time.

But, alas, summer is gone, and it's time to get back into the grind of things. I got some much needed dental work done.. crowns, teeth re-construction and a nice hefty bill at the end of it..I'm so in the wrong line of work! oh, my dentist is super sexy.. so, I guess that help..LOL

The sad news, my oldest nephew has decided he is no longer family. He has hooked up w/his egg donor, and gone down the path of destruction. He's 19 now, so there is nothing that the family can do. He's living under the bridge, homeless, doing drugs, stealing, and just loosing himself.
I tried to talk to him a few months ago, explaining to him the path that I went down (he's doing some of the same things) but in one ear and directly out the other.

Were all just picking on him. What do we know? He's blaming his path on his step-mother. Which fine, blame it on her, but be strong about it! Prove whoever wrong and succeed.. don't loose yourself! That just pisses me off!
I realize he's got to make his choices, I realize he has to learn from his own mistakes. It just breaks my heart. Knowing what is in store for him, thinking to myself there is something I can do.. but what? Nothing really, absolutely nothing.
I remember those days of long ago, no-one could talk any sense into me.

My biggest fear, is the call will come in.. and I will be standing at the graveside of my nephew.
That scares & saddens me.

Anyhow... My son starts his freshman year of high school. Wow.. High school!
He has so many new adventures ahead of him. Harsh lessons.. and new experiences.
Let the ride begin!!!!

My daughter.. OMG.. where do I start? there are days I just want to throttle her.
Or just not talk to her. I love her with all my heart.. but OMG...!!!
You know when Bill Cosby used to say "I Hope you have one just like you"
during his "Himself" tour...
Oh yeah.. I got one JUST LIKE ME!
We are two south end magnets that repel away from each other....
I swear, I wish she would just start her cycle already.. maybe then things would start falling into some form of.....something!

Anyhow, she's getting ready to start 6th grade. I think and hope that this year will be a huge eye opener. First of all, girls are so vicious! She has a few really good friends, but my daughter is a little on the "thick" side, and the girls now-days are all the size of a pixi stick. So, I'm worried that comments are gonna be made. Not that I'm not worried she cant hold her own, she's one tough cookie.. but it's the after math that is going to be hard to deal with. As her mother, my first reaction will be to take care of it all myself. But I understand that I cant. I have to let them work out their issues.
Then again, she did punch the neighbor kid in the gut the other night, cuz he kept touching her... not like "touching" her, but grabbing her shoulder, and yanking her arm & pinched her butt. She warned him, that if he did it again she would punch him. He did it again, so sure enough.. she reared back and punched him in the gut. Poor little weasel went down with no dignity! HAHAHA.. I had to laugh. She is her Mother's daughter.

Dealing with his mother was a whole separate story, until I politely stated that I could just call the police and have her son busted for indecent liberties. That shut her up.
Where was I? Oh.. yeah, so, this year shall be trying for her. I hope she makes it thru, w/out to many emotional scars.

Ok.. I am off to visit my very pregnant friend.. she's been on bed rest for the last 3 months.. going stir crazy. Little Baby G is due next week. Damn, she's as big as a house! Poor thing.

Peace

Pardon me..while I cry...

How am I doing? That's a damn fine question. I dont rightly know. Ive just taken everything and pushed it back in the depths of my mind, and Im refusing to allow any of it to surface. Ive hit that bumpy/rocky spot in life and Im not sure which way to turn. Yep.. Im depressed.. my whole body is sore... my head and heart hurt..and there are days I just want to sleep... but.. I get up and I keep going.

I can feel the claws of anger just scratching away on the inside. I know that my words hurt. Ive been pulled into the boss's off alot lately. With gentle reminders that my tone of voice needs to change. I can feel that red haze engulfing who I am. Once that happens Im not sure if I will be able to pull myself back.

Ive tried talking the the Dr. But when I talk, I feel he's tuning me out. I see the look on his face, and I read the message in his eyes, I get mad, grab my purse and walked out of his office. My dentist treats me better, and he hurts me... nevermind that he's just sexy :)

Im not sure how Im doing. Im not sure how I got where I am at. Im still trying to figure out how to get myself out of the abyss that Im sinking in to. Ive never been here before. Ive always been able to grab the ropes and pull myself back. Ive never allowed myself to actually sink into that dark cacoon of misery and wallow. But lately, it's like an old comfy blanket. A long lost friend that I havnt heard from in forever and we need to catch up.

Do I just need to sit down and have a good cry. Yes, probably.. but for so many years, it was taught to me that crying is a wasted emotion, and solves nothing. I find myself telling my own child that, and that's sad, she needs to be able to release those feelings. I need to be able to release those feelings.

What is wrong with me?

How do I find me again?