Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Pardon me..while I cry...

How am I doing? That's a damn fine question. I dont rightly know. Ive just taken everything and pushed it back in the depths of my mind, and Im refusing to allow any of it to surface. Ive hit that bumpy/rocky spot in life and Im not sure which way to turn. Yep.. Im depressed.. my whole body is sore... my head and heart hurt..and there are days I just want to sleep... but.. I get up and I keep going.

I can feel the claws of anger just scratching away on the inside. I know that my words hurt. Ive been pulled into the boss's off alot lately. With gentle reminders that my tone of voice needs to change. I can feel that red haze engulfing who I am. Once that happens Im not sure if I will be able to pull myself back.

Ive tried talking the the Dr. But when I talk, I feel he's tuning me out. I see the look on his face, and I read the message in his eyes, I get mad, grab my purse and walked out of his office. My dentist treats me better, and he hurts me... nevermind that he's just sexy :)

Im not sure how Im doing. Im not sure how I got where I am at. Im still trying to figure out how to get myself out of the abyss that Im sinking in to. Ive never been here before. Ive always been able to grab the ropes and pull myself back. Ive never allowed myself to actually sink into that dark cacoon of misery and wallow. But lately, it's like an old comfy blanket. A long lost friend that I havnt heard from in forever and we need to catch up.

Do I just need to sit down and have a good cry. Yes, probably.. but for so many years, it was taught to me that crying is a wasted emotion, and solves nothing. I find myself telling my own child that, and that's sad, she needs to be able to release those feelings. I need to be able to release those feelings.

What is wrong with me?

How do I find me again?

9 comments:

The Bizza said...

i won't minimize what you're going through by presuming to understand your situation.

In my personal situation, sometimes crying helps, but sometimes it doesn't. It almost always helps me to take some sort of action. It gives me the perception (or in some cases the delusion) that I'm controlling my fate, and therefore captaining my own ship instead of resigning myself to being a passenger on the slow boat to depression.

Whatever the case, know that you're not alone and we're all pulling for you.

Barney said...

Bizza... Thank you...

KBear said...

I think maybe sitting down and having a good cry will help. You'll be able to release some of it, maybe enough to think clearly about your next move.

I really think you should get a second opinion from another doctor... seriously.. that's.. rude!

Weekends Off said...

Barney, sweetheart, sometimes that big old cry is just what you need. Let all of that bad energy out it may help you feel better.

Also, that doctor is an ass and if I were you, I'd replace him. You did not deserve to be treated as if what you feel/say does not matter.

And yes, I agree with what Bizza wrote, please know you aren't alone and we are all pulling for you!

April said...

Barney--I have to echo what the others have said. The only advice I can give is today, this moment, find a reason to laugh. I've been feeling down myself lately and I need to find a reason to laugh. If you have a big green grassy hill nearby, roll down it as if you were 8 years ago. You'll be laughing and smiling when you get to the bottom of it, trust me. And try and surround yourself with some happy people. Laughter is contagious and if you're lucky, you will catch some. Ok, ok, do you want me to just come on over and tickle ya (I bet Bizza could turn that into some demented thought(?

Krystal said...

Women live longer than men because we cry and let our emmotions out.

I had to relearn that. I use to not cry because my mother used it as a tool. Yet I was never allowed to cry because in me it was a weakness (unless it benefitted her in some sadistic sort of way). It's really okay to cry until you can't see straight. Sometimes it just needs to be done.

And you can do it alone, in private, and no one will be there to judge you for it. Still works great.

weekends off said...

Just stopping by to show you some love! I hope you are doing OK!

thegayte-keeper said...

Crying helps...just thought I'd say that...

Effortlessly Average said...

"What is wrong with me?

How do I find me again?"


I've asked myself those very same two questions, honey. A LOT! The truth is, at least in my case, that I'll never feel as if there's nothing wrong with me. Oh, my confidence will recover and I'll move on as I should, but I'm sure I'll always wonder what was broken in me that made her look to a future without me. Oh well.

I don't know what may work for you, but for me I've been finding who I am agian by compiling my list of things I've always wanted to do or learn and I'm methodically going through them. Even if it's only the motions right now, it still gives my mind something else on which to focus, and I feel it helping me let the anger and betrayal go.

Or I could be full of shit and you could just let me come up there and get you rip-roaring drunk and we could do some karioke and hold each others hair while we puke. Yeah, good times. heh.

Talk to me, hon; anytime you just need an ear.