Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Old Memories = Good Times

Waking up this morning in my fogged sleep mind
bits and pieces of my dream started to come back to me,
I was dreaming about an old memory, back to the day I met
the first man I ever fell in love with. I was 16, well barely 16.
I met Jim, on a crisp fall day, after school, I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday
and he was almost 24. Most would say, he was a pedophilia. I say, he was gorgeous,
kind, sincere, sensitive, and well... the one.

He literally swept me off of my feet that afternoon, took my breath away, we talked
for hours sitting at the park, we laughed & talked and it was as if, I had known him for years.
As if, he had been waiting for me forever.
Ok, now at this young tender age, what did I know about love? What did I know about being a grown-up, about being mature? Well the nice thing about it, is I didn't have to be a grown up, I didn't have to act mature. He wanted me for me. He didn't expect for me to change, and he didn't try to mold me into something that I wasn't. He wanted ME... Not someone else.

Once he found out I wasn't 16 yet, he told me that we couldn't start dating until that point. Ok, but had I ever told him that we would date?
2 weeks later, the day before my 16th birthday, his best friend Mark walked up to me, asked me if the following day was my birthday, I said yes, and he stated to me... " Tomorrow, your Jim's new girl!"
No question, no comments, and so mote it be.
I was ecstatic!!! The day I had dreamt about... I belonged to someone...
Jim and I started dating, and everything was great, he treated me like a queen
he placed me on a pedestal, and lavished me with small gifts, his laughter, his friendship
his trust. In return, I gave him everything I could, including my heart, my soul.. my all!!!

Jim and I dated off and on for almost 3 years, we had our bumpy roads, we had some of the best memories that I hope to never forget.
Now, my teen years were very turbulent.. As you have read from my first posts... I actually left home starting at 14 off and on till I was 18, I had some great times, some really scary times, and some really depressing times. But the 3 yrs I spent w/Jim.. were some of the happiest, and most highest times Ive ever had!

Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Jim was never far from my thoughts. Always a reminder of my youth and you never truly forget your true love.

I ran into him when I was about 27, years after he and I had gone our seperate ways. We rekindled a bit of the old magic, but then I realized that he wasnt truly the "one" but more along the lines of an old flame w/in my heart that would not go out. We seperated our ways and moved on in life, then when I was sitting at home one evening, I got a call from an old friend who I used to spend alot of time with, and recieved the bone chilling words that I will never forget.
"Are you alone? Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I dont know how to say this. But Jim was found yesterday morning, and he's dead."
I sat on my couch, listening to the T.V. and looking out the sliding glass doors, the rain was falling, the wind was blowing the sun was setting in the sky. And at that moment, a piece of me died w/him. A vision I will never forget, a screen shot w/in my mind of time standing still
Tears ran down my face, and scenes of yester-year flashed back like an old movie reel.
Things I had forgotte, or thought I had, remembered. Never forgotten

Memories are best never to be forgotten. He will never be lost, as long as I remember.
The laugh
The touches
The siren
The love

Forever and always James... you will always be close to my heart
and forever remembered.


Danielle said...

oh I am so sorry for your loss. I have someone in my life like that.....so I can only imagine how you feel.

{{hugs gurl}}

Ms Peculiar said...

This is a sad memory. I am glad that you were able to experience the love, the laughter and the feeling of belonging to someone. I am only sorry for the loss.

I hope that one day your heart stops aching and starts dancing to a new beat.

Barney said...

Thank you both..

Sorry I havnt been posting much lately.. but some things w/in my life are slowly catching up w/me and Im hoping to be back to normal.. well then again..what is normal???