Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesday nada

My last two post's have been random numbness entries..
because I have had nothing really to write about.. nothing to enlighten any of you
nothing to entertain you.. and sadly I still have nothing.

Although I do have some things on my mind.. Im not sure how to write what Im currently thinking about... how to form it all into words.. and coherant thoughts.
So.. if this post loses you. Im truly sorry.. but here goes.

Schools in, and Im busy..
with that being said.. Im also exhausted.
Where is the me time?
Ive lost me along the way.
Who am I?
What is my current goals in life?
Where is my enjoyment?
What is my enjoyment?
I just feel so lost!!!!

Life is good.. I mean I have my family & my health. I finally got all moved and me and the kids are good.
But.. who am I? Do you ever feel like you have lost a piece of you and w/out it you just cant seem to get motivated? To figure out what is missing, like it's an internal piece of your inner going ons? This piece of me that's missing, is it what keeps me going forward? Or because whatever is missing, is what is keeping me from moving forward? Because I just feel like I could curl up somewhere and just sleep.. for long long hours...days upon days..
Is it depression? And if so.. what do I have to be depressed about? I have the main concerns in life.. kids welfare, health blah blah blah...
home life.. bills.. blah blah blah.. other than that, nothing is out of sorts..
So whats my deal?
I just want to close my eyes.. and sleep..

Thought change:

An old friend of mine from days gone past contacted me. It was great to hear his voice and to catch up with him. He and I actually became friends because he married one of my good friends, but something happened, and like so many friendships.. it went wayside.. I would call.. talk to him, but she just all the sudden didnt want anything to do with me.. not sure why.. we live 6 hrs from each other, so our only communication was via phone.
Fast forward 3 yrs w/out a word from anyone, and he calls me outta the blue.. I guess they ended up divorcing (really sad, as they were a great couple) and he was headed to the Seattle area (Im outside Seattle) and wanted to meet up.
Well I wasnt in town that weekend, so we didnt get o meet up, but we have chatted on the phone and it was just great to re-connect with him. But I think I figured out what the deal was with his soon to be ex. Over the course of their relationship, he and I formed a strong bond ( I have always gotten along better w/men than woman anyway) and I did take his side in a few arguments that they had (this was back when they first got together and we all still lived in the same town) but damn it.. she was in the wrong and I did try to get her to see that.
Once I moved out of that state and headed back home.. I would call and he and I would just sit on the phone and chat and chat and chat. She was always to busy to talk to me, or wasnt home or whatever.. and her and my friendship dwindled to a nothingness existance.
But I think she may of thought that he and I ended up becoming more than friends? But how could that be possible? We never were.. I would never cross that line with a friend. NEVER....
hmmm.. it saddens me that they are no longer together, there are 3 children involved.. none together.. but he has 2 and she had 1. He did come w/his fair share of baggage into the relationship.. then again.. she had her fair share too..

Maybe it just wasnt ment to be.. the marriage for them..and our friendship too.. just makes me shake my head in wonderment..so many questions.. but no answers.

Thought change:

Lordy.. I dont feel well.. kind of feel like Im in some kind of fog world.

oh oh oh.. OMG.. I found a wolf spider crawling across my bathroom floor the other night.. that sucker was HUGE!!! I HATE spiders.. hate them, hate them, hate them.. this guy was so freaking big I about crawled out of my skin.. took everything I had not to scream like a little she-bitch.. cuz it was the middle of the night.. so yeah.. I had to scoop it up w/a wad of kleenex and flush him down the potty.. now my biggest fear is, it's gonna crawl back up the pipe and into my ass some night when I get up to pee.... (oh that thought had me clenching my butt cheeks together)

Ok.. well.. Im done.. there's more.. but Im sure ya'll dont have any wish to read what I have to say..
and if you made it this far.. word of advice.. dont kill spiders..
10 more come back in the dead one's place!!!



Krystal said...

I really relate to your post. I sat down a couple weeks ago and thought of myself as "Krystal". It was weird, strange... I hadn't thought of myself as anyone except "Mom" for at least two months.

Who the hell have we become?!

Barney said...

There's alot to be said for mothers.. but.. what about who the mother truly is? Or was?

It's a traveling road that is never ending!!!!

The Bizza said...

I can also relate to your funk. I don't have any advice of anything, but perhaps there's comfort in knowing that you're not alone?

April said...

It's hard when you are friends with both people in a relationship, maybe harder if you're friends with just the one of the opposite sex. I learned from a very wise man that there are forms of cheating that are not physical. There is the cheating when you are giving more of yourself emotionally than to your partner. Perhaps that is what he was doing? Giving more to you than his wife? It's a hard balance to find, and lately I feel like I could use a friend to talk to but I'm trying to watch that line as well.
Hang in there...........

Weekends Off said...

I just wanted to leave you some (((Hugs))) because you sound so down and I'm sorry about that!

Also, food for the blog...you can always post your boobies again :0)

Re: the friend- I would venture to say that she ended up jealous of your friendship with him and that's why she fell off, and probably why he did for a while too. I'm glad you've had a chance to reconnect with him, but I'm sorry for their circumstances. Divorce is never easy.

I wish you had warned me about the revenge of the dead spiders sooner. I took out 2 yesterday. I'm doomed!