Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Food for thought.. or is it stuck in my teeth?

So.. he's here, that long lost love of mine from many many years ago.
Arrived a few months ago, and I can honestly say... I don't like it!

I don't like it one bit.

I miss my freedom, that's what this all boils down to.
I miss my freedom. My freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.

Selfish? Probably
Do I care? Not at the moment

I'm at a loss of what to do. He's an OK guy, but I honestly think it all boils down to me getting this assumption that things would be great, putting so much expectation on what was, what could be and not really thinking the whole big picture through. He gets along with the kids OK. There have been a few rough patches but it's getting better. He gets along great with the dogs, I suppose that's a plus. However, it's been just over 3 months, and still unemployed. I'm starting to feel as if he's just here to live off of me. Yes, I have had this talk with him already, I laid it all out for him. My feelings, my thoughts.... he swears he's not a mooch..all he wants is happiness. But, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the last 3 weeks, and it's slowly getting worse.

What do I do now? He has nowhere to go, no job, no friends, no money. Nothing.. Did I lead him on? Did I make promises that I need to keep? Should I buy him a one way ticket back to where he came from?

It boils down to me. Again, selfish... but I lived in misery once already, for many many years. Hell was my back door and the happiness part of my life at that point was far far away. It took me years to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy to be alone. I reached that point and started dating again. But I still had my freedom. I'm not me anymore. It's only been a few short months.. and I'm not me. And that worries me.

How can someone love you 20 yrs later. They have no clue who you are. What you have become. Thoughts, beliefs, opinions, out look on life, wants, desires. Do I even care about him? I get frustrated more than anything. Frustrated at comments, how he thinks, and OMG.. the sex... the sex is unsatisfying... I find myself faking it more than anything... what's the point?

What is the point?

Maybe it's just time.. to say goodbye.. and see ya.. cuz I cant do this..
why live my life unhappy?
It's my life after all.... Ive given up so much, and have come so far, so it wouldn't be worth it to accomplish all that I have accomplished.. to just bring me back down again.

6 comments:

The Bizza said...

Look inside yourself with an honest lens and you'll have the answer you seek. If you find that you love him, great. If not, then you do both him and yourself a great disservice by continuing the romantic relationship. I made that mistake with my 1st wife and frankly, I'm still paying the price for it.

That doesn't mean you should callously kick him out on the street. But to borrow from a popular 80's R&B song, if your heart isn't in it, you absolutely must tell him so.

It will be awkward and painful, but hopefully you both can move beyond the pain and work on a feasible strategy to help him become financially independent again.

But that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

The Bizza said...

One more thing:

If you have love as a foundation, you can fix a crappy sexual experience. Bookie and I haven't always been on the same page sexually, especially in the beginning. But now, our only problem is that it doesn't happen enough (various reasons). But when it happens, it is usually seismic.

So to recap; If you have good sex, you don't really need good love. If you have good love, you can fix bad sex. But if you have bad sex and NO love... what's the point? That's time wasted that could have been spend on a hobby or household chore.

Weekends Off said...

Boy that's a toughie! It's hard to say not being in your shoes and knowig your heart, but I'd have to say I agree with Bizza, if you don't love him then there is no point no matter how nice he is.

Do you think you would feel differently if he was working? Maybe it's too much together time. Too much pressure on you to carry the load can cause you to sort of resent that extra load when you probably wouldn't if it could carry itself.

The bottom line, though, is that you are right, it's your life and you have already sacrificed plenty of it for others. This is supposed to be your time. Do what feels right for you and remember, if you decide that he needs to go, it hurts less to rip the bandaid off quickly than it does to do it slowly bit by bit.

lurker in columbus said...

Someone commented months ago that he was a mooch and you should kick him out.

You can take care of your kids and yourself without the extra mouth to feed, house, entertain and worry about.

Before you're looking back a year later, getr rid of him. You've been unhappy for a while now why prolong it?

Ozfemme said...

Barney

Mr Grumpy was a previous love from 20 years earlier.

I've just called endgame on it after oscillating between on and off for nearly a decade.

Once again, we're freaks, right?

You're going to come though all this just fine. Don't take responsibility for him, that's his task.

You need to do what works for you and your children.

Much love

Bella Ozfemme

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