Monday, June 19, 2006

New Happenings & the demon

Some things new have happened...

We got a new dog.. she's a lab something or another
6 months old.. and cute as a button!!!
Named her Mercy.. as we took mercy upon her and let her into our hearts.. not that I really wanted a dog.. but what the hell.. she's there now.. and she's ours.. so needless to say.. I have another "baby" to raise.

Getting ready to move... bigger space.. I appreciate everything that has been done for me and my additions, and I will forever remember all that has been done. I just hope that nothing has been or was jeopardized during our time together.

Other than that.. Im angry.. I have been so fucking angry lately. I cant put my finger on it, I cant figure out WHAT exactly is making me so angry. But I can feel the heat swirling w/in me. I can feel the burn and the itch. I can feel that nasty little demon in the pit of my belly trying to escape and to destroy those around me. Im doing my best to contain him. But it's hard, there are times when I can actually visualize ripping into someone with my words, to brutally put them down with out touching them. I want to verbally assualt a few people in my life... but what good would it accomplish? What would I succeed in doing so? Tear apart friendships? Rip open an old wound that I have covered up and closed?

No.. I can not do what I feel like doing. I can not say the things that I want to say. I can not act the way I want to act. I must restrain!

I visualize just quitting my job and becoming a nomad. I want to travel and explore.. live out of my car, take odd jobs here and there and just "be" the responsibility that is laying on me is to much to comprehend some days. To realize how much others rely on me, to understand that some think Im so strong, and yet, I want to crumble from the weight. How can I continue to carry all this w/in me? How do I release it? What is it exactly that needs to be released?
Im not sure even I know. What/Where/Who/When? Alot to be answered.

Who am I? Do I even know who I am? What do others percieve me as?
These I suppose are questions everyone ask's themselves. To come up with an answer tho requires more inner peace than I currently have.
Im a rushing river, swirling and crashing into barriers along the way. So much resistance and no peace. When will the cool calmness be near by? When will the rushing and roaring stop w/in?
I like to think I know who I am..what my principles are and all that jazz.. but the key is...
I "think" I do.. but I dont really think that I "know"

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