Friday, June 30, 2006

A Chair full of Bowlies

I dont have any idea how to start this blog, so many things running thru my head today, thoughts, feelings, mixed emotions I feel like a volcano ready to erupt at any moment.

Im lonely.. Im 33 fucking years old, and Im lonely. All my life consist's of, is work & home. My life revolves around my kids. It's always about them and their needs and their wants and what do I get in return for it? Nothing.. absolutely fucking nothing. and im tired.. tired of the same thing day in and day out. why cant I find someone.. or something that will occupy me.. Just ME.. not body else.. I need something for myself, everything is for someone else lately. The little master of the house or the little princess wanna be. All I know is what the fuck about me?
I sound so selfish, but is it a crime to want to be able to do for myself?

I miss having someone's arms around me, being able to cuddle up next to someone on the couch and just watch a good movie, or laying in bed in the warmth of someone else's body, feeling safe and content. I miss kissing.. I love to kiss.. I miss lips on lips, tongue to tongue, the forplay... sensuality.. all of it.... I dont want to just get laid.. to fuck to fuck.. but to belong to someone.. is that so bad?

And now for the poor me syndrome......
what is it about me that turns men off? Im not the hunchback of Notre Dam.. Im not homely, ugly, destitute or boring.. Im just me.. is it my harsh reality? Is it my attitude? The fact that Im a single mother of 2 kids? What? what in the hell is it? I am a strong women, and I wont put up w/peoples shit for long. I do hold a grudge, but.. Im loving, caring, kind and protective. Maybe it is must be me.. duh.. what was I thinking..

I hate people that are always so down and out and negative.. and guess what..Im being one of those people now... and I hate myself for that. I need to snap outta it and get my shit together and just deal.

I love my kids.. they are my life.. but they are life draining from time to time... nothing is about me anymore.. everything is about them.. and that is the way it should be.. and the way it will continue to be.. Im ok with that.. but I do need to bitch..and complain and feel sorry for me once in awhile, and that's what Im doing..

ok.. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July...


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