Friday, June 02, 2006

Random voices within

Nothing to really report, sad isnt it?
It's funny how life throws you curve balls
what's even more amazing, is how a body knows when to duck and turn and slide to get the hell out of the way of those curve balls.

~ I really miss my dog. He was such a cool dog... we had gotten him from a friend of mine who had rescued him from an abusive home. At first, I was really concerned on how he would react to the kids and ferrett due to his mistreatment, but he turned into the biggest love bug that I had ever met in a Pit Bull. I have never been a Pit fan, due to their reputation, but one thing you have to remember is the fact that the majority of a dogs personality is in the handlers. Oscar loved to sit on my lap, sleep next to me on the bed. He was a lounger!
Im sorry my dear friend. I miss you, however Im glad you were killed instantly and felt no pain.
He looked up at me, with my hand holding his head, licked my palm and quietly went to the other side.

~ Why do we fall in love with those that can not return the love? What makes you attracted to those that are not good for you? Is it the fear of being alone? Or is it the thought that you can change someone for the better? Knowing full well that you should never try to change someone, you should accept and acknowledge that person for who they are. And yet... I continue to try to make them different? Is that fair to them? Is that fair to me? No... simply.. No... and yet I continue to do so. So how does one correct that? Im not sure.. but that brings me to another question.. what is love? Between a couple? What makes a person fall in love w/another person?
Maybe it's just me.. but when I think Im in love.. I tend to fall out rather quickly. I start to pick them apart, find everything I can that annoys me. Is this my way of ending a relationship before I end up getting hurt? Or is it because I just have no desire to really be in a relationship? Hmmm... things to ponder.

~ Am I a good mother? I love my babies with everything w/in me. I would lay my life down for them in a heartbeat. I do the most that I can do for them and give up so much of myself for them. And yet, I do yell, I do scream. Not the most pleasant mommy in the world. I rarely spank them, never slap them. I do tend to cuss.. (I know I know bad mommy!!! ) I go month's and months and months w/out new things.. just to provide for them. They are well rounded.. They are good kids (for the most part there are times when I just wanna lock myself in a room and never come out) But I look at some kids and realize that Im doing an ok job.. I could be a hell of alot worse. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how much they mean to me? Do they have any clue how their dis-respect from time to time kills me inside? It's just little things.. sometimes Im not sure if my voice is heard. I know it is... what am I asking here? yes I love my babies.. and they love me... it's tough being a single mom.. but you know.. I wouldnt change it for anything in the world. We have fun together.. somedays are trying..I wont lie.. somedays are great.. they are both coming into their own, and watching their little personalities shine thru is a wonder.
Yet is scares me.. I look at my son and realize that he currently the age I was when I walked down the wrong path in life.. It took me 7 yrs to straighten that path out. What will I do if he decides to follow my footsteps? How will I be able to save him? One day at a time.. just one day at a time. I hope I am instilling in both of my kids, the knowledge that I have gained thru out my years.

Oh there is more.. but I should really get to work now.


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