Friday, October 05, 2007

From Strength

In a few days I will find myself another year older.
Another year that has passed by me with out accomplishing what I wanted to set out to accomplish. Which in turn brings up the question, what did I want to accomplish by this age?

I was handed a 2 year college scholarship when I was 18. Paid in full, ready for my taking by an anonymous donor. A free ride.. and I fucked it away. I did go to college, for maybe a yr and half. But I was still in my drug induced state and I didn't maintain the grades that I should of, or followed any of the advice of my professors. I was more interested in where my next high was coming from. I wasted a huge opportunity.

I had children young, my first child was born just after I turned 21.. my second just days after my 24th. Yes, I had left the drug scene.. but I had no interest in pursuing my education. In a sense I was dead in side, I was working a job that I felt would take me all the way.

I floundered.. between being a Mother and trying to work. I didn't have a career.. I was a high school dropout, who obtained her GED, had less than 2 yrs of college under her belt, a recovering drug addict and who was stuck in a relationship that would result in me finally standing on my two feet with two young children looking solely to me for wisdom, encouragement, guidance, understanding and love.

How does a women, at such a young age, determine how to pass so many things on to her children when she cant even understand what her sole purpose is. I was a mother first. But, how could I love unconditionally when at times I hated myself? How could I pass on understanding and sympathy to my children when I was so full of hate? How can I teach my children any of the fundamentals of surviving when I wasn't even sure how to survive myself? I found myself at the age of 25, alone, raising children in a place that I had no friends, no family. No one to lean on in my own dispare. He was there, but he wasn't there, I withdrew into myself trying to find all the answers to questions I couldn't even ask myself.

I did find my own footing...after being so lost for so many years.. I finally found myself. I found out that I could stand alone, that I did know the questions but most importantly I found the answers that worked for me. I was able to listen to my inner self and judge what was right and wrong. To teach my children that it was OK to be scared. To stand up for what is right and what you believe in. To never back down and in no way were you allowed to let someone else choose for you what your path is. I found in myself the strength that I had lost.

I'm verging on my 35th birthday. I have not accomplished all that I thought I wanted to. But every day is a new dawn. Everyday I grow stronger. Everyday I teach my children a little more about strength, love, understanding, compassion, sympathy and all that is important to move forward into a unknown future.

No, I have not accomplished my dreams, but with out dreams what is the point of living? If you have achieved all your dreams, does that mean then that you are on deaths door? With out your dreams what will tomorrow bring?

My dreams are far from over. They will continue on thru my children when I finally do leave this world. But, until then I have my own dreams to complete.

My dream is to continue.
My dream is be....
My dream will not end
My dream is looking into the eyes of my children
We all have dreams..
Live them!!!!!


April said...

I know to well your story as I made a poor choice in marraige and even though he was physically there, I raised my kids all alone. I stayed married longer than I should have, afraid to be on my own. One of my biggest mistakes. I've been single about 10 years now, one kid is grown, the other nearly grown. My career took off at about age 38 or 39 and sometimes we don't realize the little steps we're taking to get there, so hang in there, hold on to your dreams. And be proud of who you are and of the children you have raised. Be proud of your smile, of having fun, be proud of kicking drugs and bad relationships. Embrace this birthday. Remember some of us would love to be 35 again.....some of the best days. I hope someday I look back at myself and think NOW was my best time, and that that cycles continue. That when I am 80 I can look back and say damn, my 70's were fun. And by the way, Happy Happy Birthday!!

Weekends Off said...

Hey girl, you know this was a very touching post, I can totally relate.

I like the list of dreams you have to complete, they are really what matters.

I hope you have a very happy birthday!

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting to find myself.. :( happy birthday gurl!