Thursday, December 20, 2007

East Coast Wind - freezing!!!!

Tis the season for all the weird things in life to come out of the wood.

Why is it, that the minute I start thinking of him, he rears his ugly head with in a week?

Wil has returned. Oh Im so thrilled. I dont want him in my life, I dont want him around me. I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see him. I dont want him around our daughter. I cant stand him. So explain to me, why is it that he mentions why he moved out of state, was becuase of his girlfriend. That I get insanly jealous? Please someone explain to me, why my heart rate speeds up, why I can feel the blood rushing thru my veins, why I cant breath. And why oh why do I get so damn mad!????

He makes me so angry! He gets me so infuriated!
Yet.. Im jealous of him?

I know the why's..
honestly I do..
Let me explain to you the whys.. and tell me.. why?

He has freedom... he is able to come & go as he pleases. No responsibilities. No bills (well Im sure he has them he just doesnt pay them) he moves around, carefree, goes where he wants. Does what he wants, when he wants, w/whom he wants, how he wants.
No one is dependant upon him.
No one is looking to him for all the answers.
No one is making him be the adult.
No one following him around excpecting him to fix everything.

Yeah... that's why... that's exactly why. It angers me.. OH God.. does it anger me!

I have given up so much of who I am for my children. I have given up so much to put a roof over their head, food in their stomach, clothes on their back. But that's what a parent does! That's what I do.. That's who I am! A mother. Because I choose to be!

But you know what. Im loved.. and my kids in turn are loved. I would NEVER give up what I have, to have what he has, Or what he doesnt have.
He doesnt have the love of his daughter. Which I couldnt imagine not looking into her eyes everynight before bed. Not being able to hear those words out of her mouth every morning "I luv ya mom"
I imagine its a very lonely life that he lives.

I couldnt imagine not having my loves.

So why then am I angry still? Im where I want to be in life.
Im where I NEED to be in life.

Because the man I fell in love with 12 yrs ago, no longer exist's.
The man that I was suppose to live the rest of my life with... died
The man that he is today.. is a stranger.

Life has a funny way of making you wake up and realize the important things.
I have no reason to be angry. I choose not to date.
I have chosen to live my life the way I do, because I put my full attention on my children.
That's my choice. That's who I am. It's what I want. It's where I need to be!

The day will come, when he realizes how much he has lost.

So.. tell me.. why I feel so angry still????


janice said...

Sounds to me like you're angry because he's missing what YOU have.

12 years ago you imagined he would be there to share in the "I luv ya mom", seeing your children grow and be there to lean on when things got tuff.

His freedom is not what you envy. And you know that. Oh there's some days when you just want to run away from it all. And you know you'd miss those kids before you got to far and turn back before they knew you were gone.

It's rough being a single mom, I know where you're coming from. When things get rough, the times when you need him most is when you dislike him, alot.

Yes he's free, but he's missing out on a love so great, that of you and your children.

He's the one who's envious, but too selfish to know what he's missing.

I really hope this helps.

Wishing you and your children a Merry Christmas!
God Bless

Krystal said...

You know, the freedome sounds so much more fun. But could you really imagine switching lives with him?

He could drop off the face of the planet and what the hell difference would it make?

But I get what you're saying.

Weekends Off said...

I really couldn't say it any better than the previous 2 have already done.

So I'll add my hugs and love for you and your kids and a wish for you to have a very happy new year.


Weekends Off said...

Looking back on the months gone by,
As a new year starts and an old one ends,

We contemplate what brought us joy,
And we think of our loved ones and our friends.

Recalling all the happy times,
Remembering how they enriched our lives

We reflect upon who really counts,
As the fresh and bright new year arrives.

And when I ponder those who do,
I immediately think of you.

Happy New Year Barney!!!

Weekends Off said...

Don't hate me becuase I'm beautiful, hate me because I tagged you!!!

Anonymous said...

The first two said anything I would have said but better, lol. ((Hugs)) I hope you had a happy new year!