Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ass-sphincter says what?

So the day has finally arrived.. where Mr. Beneficial friend has put the question out there.
"Do you want to try to see if this is more than it really is?"

Ive been expecting it, after all, awhile ago he told me he had fallen in love with me.
I blew it off... figured it was just a bunch of bull, and didnt pay much attention to it.
He countered it with a "what do u want from me"
I countered it with telling him I wanted the white picket fence, and the happy ever after...
not expecting him to say "ok"
I already have the 2 kids, I dont want that part of the dream.

So, today..he wants to make it more.
Here's my dilemma...
He's a swinger.. meaning, he likes alot of variety in life.. not men.. but partner swaps...
Im a one guy...one girl kind of girl when Im in a relationship...
I honestly dont think I could handle watching, or knowing he was with another women. I honestly believe that would drive me insane. Yet, he likes to watch me with other men... (mind you, we've only done that once but he wants to do it again)

So.. that brings up the question..how do I actually feel about him?
I like him.. weve been "seeing" each other for almost 5 yrs..
yes, there's been a few in between here and there..
but, we always find our way back to each other.
I care about him, I may love him a little bit.. but.. could I trust him?
I dont know..
I dont know if I could or would trust him.
My problem is, I dont trust men.. I havnt for many many years.. trust me, Ive tried, oh lord have I tried.. I just dont know if I have it in me anymore.

He says he's not like that anymore.. that he doesnt need that type of lifestyle.. that it rarely happens.. and he can turn it down..

What it boils down to.. is me..
Im terrified of getting hurt again..
Can I trust him? Do I trust him?
Once a swinger/player.. always a swinger/player?

So.. what's your thoughts blog world? help me... cuz Im completely and totally confused here!


Rage said...

Ahh, gotta have trust and no doubt in your mind before you proceed with the next step.

Barney said...

Oh.. very valid point..
if I dont trust.. what's the point...

hmmm... Im destined to be free and single..

the crazy lady on the corner.. with all the dogs!!!

The Bizza said...


Wait... your title tricked me!

Now... to your questions... I fear that I won't be much help to you, here. Or maybe I will, depending on your perspective.

I slightly disagree with rage. Slightly. Matters of the heart are rarely neat and rational. If you wait until you have "no doubt" before taking the next step, you will NEVER take that step, which is perfectly alright if you're cool with being the resident crazy cat lady.

But I agree with Rage's assessment of trust being a key element to a meaningful relationship.

So, we return to the question: what next?

He has feelings for you. That's awesome. You have feelings for him. That is also awesome. You communicated that swinging is a deal-breaker for you in an exclusive relationship and he seems to understand that. Sweet.

So, we return to the question: what next?

Well, I ask you, why does there have to be a "next" thing right now?

If someone hands you the keys to a shiny red convertible corvette and tells you there is a 50/50 chance that they will either let you have it for free or repossess it one night while you sleep, do you spend your days worrying about the repo-man, or do you let the top down and enjoy the ride?

If you tell him this: "I care about you too, but let's not define this just yet. I like where we are, and I like where we're going. I just don't want to go too fast,"

- if you tell him that, will that make him say, "Screw it! I'm not waiting to see. Take the next step, or I'm gone!"

Do you think he'll go that route? If he does, he was never sincere in the first place.

But I suspect that if his feelings for you are as deep and profound as he says they are, time will not be a factor.

You both care about one another way more than either of you expected. That is a rare and wonderful gift. Maybe the next step is to stay where you are and see where those feelings take you.

But then again, I'm just another male-slut who fell madly in love with a chick that was once a 100-mile weekend bootycall, What the hell do I know?

Carmel Beauty said...

I agree with BIZZA. Good answer.

janice said...

I like Bizza's comment and agree to the extent of your own personal feelings. But children are involved and that's where my concerns lay.

How do your children feel about him?

Bringing him further into their lives as someone who they can depend on to care for them is a great benefit and will add stability and security thus creating a calm home for all.

But, the break-up could be devistating if they jump in with both feet and feelings of betrayal and mistrust could manifest effecting them later.

Sorry there's no clear answer, it seems you have a lot to think about.

Barney said...

Yes, kids are involved, on both our parts. He has never met my kids... since we werent anything serious I never introduced him to them. He did ask about that, how would "we" deal with the kids, I told him when the time comes I would handle it.

He has more questions pertaining to the children, were suppose to sit down and talk about it this weekend.
Which brings up my next question... are relationships suppose to be so questionable?

Barney said...

Bizza - I think he would be very willing to take it slow, one day at a time.. no rush.. because I couldnt honestly rush it..

And since you were once that male-slut puppy as he is, maybe just maybe.. your onto something

The Bizza said...

Actually, I'm still a male slut. I just found a woman that's worth suppressing my primal urges.

Besides, there are incentives to my little arrangement... but unlike other bloggers, I've agreed to never ever ever ever ever ever write about them.

Let's just say that we have a mutually agreed-on situation that fits both of our comfort-levels.

Weekends Off said...

I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been covered by Bizza and Janice.
I think taking it day by day would be best. Trust is a hard thing, for me too, but sometimes you have to just jump and try and hope. Little by little it can be earned.
As far as his swinging, gosh, I dunno. I'd have more discussions on this to make sure he's really ready to give that up and that he's not just hoping you'll come around to the idea eventually.

Krystal said...

Staying mum on the whole thing.

April said...

Keep in mind that swinging and being a player are two different things, two different lifestyles. I'm dabbled with both. Sounds like deep talks are in order.