Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tidal waves

I have always been in control of my feelings, how I feel about people, about situations that surround me. I never second guess my decisions I always put great thought into what I'm going to do, why I'm going to do it. If I should go to this place or that place with these people or those people.

Yet, here I sit... with so much inner turmoil rolling around inside of me. I can feel the confusion swirling like a great tidal wave ready to crash upon unsuspecting organs. Which in turn will ware down the body and I will go into full blow illness. I need to control my tidal wave but I don't know how. Between the bleakness, confusion, uncertainty & anger I feel that at any point I will snap.

Did I make the right decision by allowing the past to move in? Or was I just caught up in what was and didn't put any thought into the now and the what will be.

I miss him... I never realized how much I would miss him. The scent of his skin, the feel of his arms, the sound of his voice.
My heart actually aches to think of him in the arms of someone else, and yet it is I who turned him away. Because I thought there never would be a time when there would be anything more than what was....and now? I don't want what is... I want what was.

I never fully allowed myself to feel for him. I never allowed myself to think of him as more than just the "friends" that we were. For 6 years we have been nothing more than just "friends" I knew that he would never give to me what I ultimately wanted. Yet, here I am... living with the past and missing the present.

All the lost chances, the quiet moments where things were never spoken. No confessions, no wants, no desires. Just laying there in the after glow thoughts and feelings running through the mind. Little things done that would make me think that maybe... but then it was gone.
Now... Now I sit and think to myself, why? Why didn't I push further? Question more? Demand more? Ask the questions.
He made me feel beautiful, wanted, desired.... made me feel like a women should feel.

Things were said, little actions were taken... I played it to "cool"... kept it all so close to my heart never allowing truths to be told.
Have I lost?

The confusion just keeps swirling and swirling around inside me.
At some point I need to make a decision for myself.
But, what is that decision?
Either way someone will get hurt. Someone will loose, and it's all in my hands.
Or is it? Am I putting something into that 6 yrs that really isn't there?

If I end what is now.... can he promise me forever?


janice said...

Barney, no one is promised forever.....

Leave the past, look to the future. A future that you want to see for you and those two beautiful children that depend on you. If you can see him there with you, great. If not, you also know the longer you wait the harder it will be....

I'm sorry you're going thru this, good luck with whatever you do...

Krystal said...

"You can never go home again."


Mariah said...

Nothing is ever a for sure thing.
{{double hugs}}

Weekends Off said...

(((HUGS))) I think Janice said what I wanted to say better than I can. It's hard waiting on fate to decide what's meant to be but I've always found if I'm tossing something around like you are that it's best to take 2 steps back and evaluate everything before deciding.

Barney said...

well... the live in and I are getting along much better these days..

the other... we had a conversation and I realized that there was only one thing that I missed.. and it wasnt the witty conversation....
so I explained to the live in that things better step up on THAT area.. and it has.. THANK HEAVENS!!!

thanks for the thoughts...