Thursday, July 09, 2009

Just checking in...

I'm OK

Thank you for every one's concern

It's been an exhausting week... not because of "him" but because of my own mind.

As much as I know, logically, that this had nothing to do with me. As much as I know, logically, that this was all him. As much as I know, logically, this was HIS choice.

I still feel myself thinking.... the what ifs

What if I hadn't of gone home?
What if I would of returned earlier?
What if my kids had been home?
What if ?

How many emotions can one man have?
The continuous crying and heartbreak that I have had to deal with is enough! Ive had enough of tears and poor me attitudes! The pity pot is no place for someone to live. Pull yourself up and move the fuck on!

He called Monday, to inform me he is in a treatment facility. I am glad he is receiving the treatment that he needs to continue on in life and to be able to function. He realized it's the alcohol that is ruining his life, and he has taken the necessary steps to attend AA and has gotten a sponsor.

He has asked me to come visit and to sit in on one of his "sessions"
I declined
Does that make me a cold callous person? Maybe, but I need to go thru my own healing.
I need to allow the anger to leave, before even actually speaking to him, I'm concerned with what words of hate & hurt will fly from my mouth.

I am looking for a new place to live, sadly that's easier sad than done, it's amazing how many people will not rent to owners of large breed animals. I have a mastiff... yes.. he's 175lbs.. he's only 17months old. But the most aggressive part on his body is his tail. He's got happy dog syndrome going on... that tail gets going, protect yourself... it's been known to make grown men cry... but not in a pathetic poor me way.. more in a "oh my god... my balls!"

Life is getting back to normal... the anger comes and goes, and it is exhausting to say the least.
The kids are dealing really well with it. Amazing how my 15 yr old son has really stepped up and is being really supportive to me. It warms my heart to see how much he truly does love me.
Giving me hugs when ever I walk by him (although he usually has to stop me to make me hug him, not because I dont want to.. but because I get caught up in my own drama and were not a touchy feely family), telling me how much he loves me. Asking if I'm OK, and refusing to go to friends house's because he doesn't want me to be alone. I finally had a nice sit down discussion with him and had to reassure him that I am fine... we are all survivors and that NONE of this was any one's fault!

My daughter too.. she is so much like her Mommy though. Sometimes I feel like I have done her a grave disadvantage in life. She is not a touchy feely child, as I am not. She is not free with her words or her actions. We tell each other we love each other, but we are not into random hugs or kisses. Her way of showing me she cares is by doing things around home, with out being asked.
She cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, and made me chocolate chip cookies - even if I do say, she is the best damn cookie "artist" EVER!!!

They are my life
My reason

I love you Kiddo's!!!
today, tomorrow, forever!

4 comments:

lurker in columbus said...

You're going to be OK, Barney.

I'm glad you declined his invitation, his recovery is no place for you. You need to focus on healing and your children.

Once a victim always a victim, and you're not. Like you said, pull yourself up and move the fuck on.

No, you're not cold nor callous. You've come this far by yourself, if you're looking to add someone to your life, make sure he contributes and is not always taking. Find someone you can lean on for a while, someone to hold you up for once.

Work on completely cutting him from your life or he'll drain you of all he can. Your children need you, all of you.

You'll be OK, and you know it. But it's a drag being in the middle of it.

Hang in there, Barney.....

Barney said...

Thanks Lurker.... you are right in so many ways.. It's time for me to find someone who can take care of me... Ive never had that, I have always had relationships where I have to take care of them. It's time I break that cycle!

My kids are my #1 priority... things are going to be great! We all will be great!

I really appreciate the words of wisdom and advice!

lurker in columbus said...

Hey Barney,

Sounds like you feel better today, it's good to hear.

Behind your children, put YOU first. It's your time, you've worked too hard getting to this place, don't let someone else pull you in the wrong direction. Don't ever look back.

No doubt in my mind you'll get thru this just fine, with lessons learned and a fresh outlook.


Enjoy your weekend!

PS, I would invite you (or anyone else) to my blog, if I had one. I've created a profile so I could comment on others.

Maybe I should start one....

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