Reflections

2005 come and gone

Looking back over this year I realize I have been thru so much and yet I still have made it through.

I clearly remember Jan 1, 2005 midnight, standing on my friends front porch, drinking, talking, and arguing, as we all get together there is ALWAYS an argument. Thats what friends do tho. They argue, laugh, cry, glare, tell each other like it is. Anyhow... The argument that night was over my friend S, wanting R (yep..my ex who is still living w/me) at the time he and I werent dating, but anyhow S wanted R, however she is married to his best friend.. LOL.. oh..the good times.. S's husband heard her say how HOT R was, and the shit hit the fan from there!!! LOL... it was so long ago, that it just seems so surreal!

Jan.. my boy turns the big 11!!! He's a New Years Baby... on this day 11 yrs ago he was born, first baby boy of this county... beat by a little girl at the other area hospital by an hour

Feb 2005 - 2 trips to ER w/my son... one where he pieced an old bicycle together and went down the side of a mountain and since there were no breaks on this beautiful bike, he used his face as the stopping mechanism....into the side of a TREE!!!! This was Valentines Day.. thats how I spent my V-Day..sitting in ER w/my boy... R brought me a dozen roses... that was sweet
then at the end of Feb.. my son says his arm hurts.. I take a look, and he has a little scratch that he didnt bother to tell me about that has gotten infected.. to the point of blood poisoning..
Back to ER as its a weekend, I.V. drip, overnight observation.. yep.. year is starting out grrrrreaate!!!

April 2005 - W shows back up, and takes me for another ride... and basically cleans me out.. I loose so much..

summer months were good months, nothing to complain about, all was going well,

River rafting.. my daughter almost's drowns... she's a good swimmer, she's wearing a life vest, river is really calm, then all the sudden we go around the bend, and there's the freakin rapids.. actually, they were mild rapids, but my girl went off course and got stuck in a nasty little rapid by a fallen tree she figures she can just jump off and walk to the side, until the under toe grabs her... scariest moment of my life.. I jump off my tube and try to "run" to her.. hi..you cant run in moving water!!! finally get to her, grab her, yank her up by her hair..literally... and drag her to the side.. we sit.. we breath, and then both of us decide "forget this" we're walking back!!!!

end of June me and the kids get a new place, and move in.. and then here comes R & W.. damn Im to nice or something... then again, I understand what it's like to not have a place to lay your head at night, and I understand not having somewhere to call home, been there done that, so I let them stay... what was I thinking????

October... I turn the big 33 & my baby girl turns the big 9..

November... I get notice from my son's school he's flunking out of the 6th grade..
turkey day I get the flu..

December... Christmas... gawd I hated this year!!!! Not in the jolly spirit, not in the spirit..

Please let 2006 be better..

There are so many other things that happened through at 2005, but some are so personal that I just dont wish to share at this moment.. Raw wounds that just have not healed, some very evil things that I have done, some moments that I need to apologize to others for.. some issues that I just havnt come to grasp with yet... but all in all..Stick a form in me.. Im done!!

My wish for all of you... May this upcoming year bring you love, happiness, and a bright light to lead you when life gets dark. To succeed at all that you set out to do, and to achieve all that you wish to accomplish.
But most of all.. may this year bring you good friends, as nothing is more important than having a few good friends to dry your eyes when you cry, to hold your hair as your worshipping that porcelein god, to laugh at your stupid jokes, and to be able to sit in utter silence and still not feel alone!!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!

Crappy Christmas

4 day weekend.. let me recap

Friday
Fred Meyer, shopping w/my daughters father (whom my whole family hates but we are still friends) my brother is walking towards us, he looks at me, I look at him, and he walks straight by, doesn't say hi or nothing.. just flat out ignores me!
ok... now I realize they dont like W.. and thats fine, its a big huge world we all live in and not everyone can get along...but dont dis-respect me and just flat out ignore me..
Whatever!
So family Christmas Friday night, up at my other brothers..
it takes my oldest brother (the one who ignored me) 4 drinks, before he even acknowledges me.. now...long story short, Im the blacksheep of the family... cuz I dont tow the line like everyone else, and I live by my own rules and standards.. I apologize family of mine if I dont follow your rules.. but Fuck You.. I dont have to..thats the beauty of living in a Freeworld!
Anyhow..Family party.. it was ok, except that R (my ex who is living w/me) calls my brother before I leave and ask's if he and his daughter can tag along!!! Can you believe that? If you were wanted there, you would of been invited.. I just think that is rather tacky to call and see if you can come along too... just me maybe?
that night was the longest 4 hrs of my life

Saturday
Actually went well, went to a friends house to have Christmas Eve w/her and her family..she's like my adoptive Mom, since my mom lives on the East coast I dont get to see her much ( I really miss her from time to time) but Vinnie & her husband Bobbio (like Fabio) have become surrogate family to me, and I really appreciate and respect them so much... we had a great dinner, a few margarita's, built a fire in the back yard, and relaxed..what a great day.. hung w/surrogate family and friends and had great food, great conversation, good times..thats what the Holidays are all about

Sunday - Merry Christmas Everyone.. WTF????
well..it just wastn Christmas for me... first off, my son wasnt there, he was w/his father
and this is the first Christmas in 12 yrs he hasnt been there... so that put a damper on the day (as he left for his dad's Saturday night)
and my dog wasnt there... that put a few tears in my eyes
However.. my beautiful daughter woke my ass up at 5:15 am!! oh yeah... get up Mommy, she did however turn on the coffee pot before waking me up.. good girl!!!
I held her off until almost 7..
however, her father would NOT wake up.. of course.. he didnt stroll in until 3 am on Christmas Eve night.. but that's a whole differant story.. (he lives there too, see previous post's for more info)
so fine.. my baby girl and I opened up presents all by ourselves.. just Mommy and me time. then we made breakfast for the both of us and sat down and watched a Christmas Story... 24 hr run baby on Christmas Day!!! aww yea!!!
Her father finally gets up around 9:30 - at noon he decides he's going to his friends house, understandable.. thats fine.. Im thinking he will be back shortly.. he calls me at 6 that night and invites me and our daughter over to dinner at his friends house (whom I cant stand) um.. no.. um... Hi.... Im cooking a turkey, which he knew, he helped season it that morning...
its Fucking Christmas, to spend w/those you love, admire, cherish, LIKE, respect and generally want to be around.. not to spend it at someone's house whom you cant stand!!! Ooops..my bad..
he comes home around 9:30 and is pissed at me, because I stood him and his friends up..
My response to him.. well.. honey.. you stood up your daughter.. because once again, your selfish ass is more concerned about you & your egotistical/self centered/asshole friend... I guess that was wrong of me huh?

Monday
Another day off, and her daddy decides to go fishing.. so he leaves at 4:30 am, and wanders home at 6ish.. as my 9 yr old is asking for the last 2 days, why her daddy isnt home.. how do you answer that? Well baby, because he's concerned about one thing and one thing only.. that's himself, has been for the 20+ yrs I've known him.. but you learn to deal w/it and get over it honey...
and again..he doesnt understand why Im pissy about it....

Needless to say, Christmas is officially over at my house, I had the tree torn down, all the decorations put away, and boxed and sealed, back into the garage w/in a matter of 2 hrs...
Time for a new year, that better be brighter, bigger, and better, because if its not..
me & the the 7 wonders of the world are going to re-establish the "Dont Fuck w/me" rules again... cuz I cant take much more..
Im tired...
I need some GOOD & POSITIVE in my life

So...
Happy Holidays' to all
and To all.. a great life!!!

Im out~~~

Thank you to all

I want so say thank you to all of you for the support and loving and kind words that I have recieved.

Your kindness and support have ment so much to me and has really helped me in these last few days. thank you so very much!!!

So I had to go to the pet store last night, to get the Ferrett some new toys and treats for Christmas (yes, he has his own stocking so did Oscar)
Anyhow.. I didnt think it would be so hard & so trying... PetsMart allows animals there, and so people bring their dogs, cats, whatever into the store..and there were a couple kitties that needed new homes.. oh so precious... ...that I almost came home w/a new addition to the family. Luckily.. I stopped myself, and realized.. I was just trying to replace my beloved dog, and he isnt replacable.. so.. I need to mourn some more, and really start acknowledging the pain...

Im off tomorrow, Friday as the company is closed same w/Monday.. we are getting a 4 day weekend.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!

Goodbye my dear friend

I post today with a saddened & heavy heart today

My puppy was hit and killed by a car this morning, just as I came around the corner to try to stop him. He was 9 months old, had not had a chance to live long enough on this earth to know what its like to run in the surf of the ocean, to chase a squirrel in the woods, to camp in the woods w/me and the kids.

Thankfully he went quickly.

I pulled him off the road, and to the side, fell to my knees, he lifted his head, looked at me and licked my hand, and then went into the powers that be.

I will forever remember him. He was not only the family dog for a few short months, but he was my friend. He was my 55 pound lap dog, who loved to sit in the recliner w/me on my lap, loved to sleep next to me in bed, as long as he had half the pillow, loved to go for car rides, loved to be just loved. He was there for me to talk to, knowing all my secrets would forever be a secret, he loved to bounce around the house and play tug of war w/the old dish towel. He loved his bones, I constantly was stepping on half eaten dog bones hidden in shoes, hidding in the kid's bed's, hidden under pillows on the couch.. everywhere..
I will be reminded of you over the next few weeks as I clean up your bed, and remove your favorite toys. I will forever miss you and will forever love you.

The gentleman that hit him, thank you for stopping and thank you for your assitance and kind words. I do not lay blame on you, you are not at fault. Oscar wanted to play with the dog across the busy street, unfortunently, your wheels were quicker than his legs.

To you my dear friend... Thank you for the few months we had together...

God Bless Our Pets

They say memories are golden,
well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again.

Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Who the hell is Murphy?

Well I have officially lost it!

Murphy's Law!!! Who the hell is this Murphy character? I swear, he has been having the best laugh of his life at my expense.!!!

The last year of my life, has been one large practical joke after another.. I swear, things have been happening to me that shouldn't happen to one person...

But the topper to the year.. is what happened this morning...

I got out of bed early... (which is a miracle in itself)
I got ready...
I got the wee one's up, got them ready, with a minimal amount of arguments, fighting, picking on each other. Got them breakfast, got the deadbeat off the couch, got him moving, headed to the car... Its 7am!!! OMG.. Im actually running ON time.. That's right.. ON time..
Mind you, Im driving a total POS!! ITS NOT MINE.. But anyhow.. Im driving this POS, but it runs...so whatever..its just a car...minivan to boot..
and I go to close the slider door on this beautiful piece of junk..................
and.. the fucking door falls off!!!!
Thats right.. falls off... its hanging there...
I look at my 12 year old.. and I quote "What the Fuck?!"
yep.. I said it.. to my son.. I was in utter shock, amazement, awe!!!
the door is hanging there, and there go all my thoughts of beating traffic, getting them to school on time, me getting to work on time, and being able to stop for a double mocha!
Gone.. poof.. no more.. and all I could do was laugh...
So Im standing in my driveway, holding onto a door, and laughing hysterically... cars are driving by, and Im just standing there, in 30 degree weather, laughing hysterically, tears are running down my face... kids sitting in a the car, car running, just laughing.. what was I suppose to do.

So, I wait until 8ish... call the call dealership that this POS was purchased from.. and say.. hi, so&so just bought this POS from you, and um.. yeah.. the slider door fell off... Now, here is the intelligence of used car's salesmen...
"Go ahead and bring it in, and we will fix it!"
um.. hi.. I think its a little illegal to drive a car w/a missing door.. what do you think?
and yes, I did ask him this...
He says "Pop it back on"
yeah.. sure.. no problem.. um..how do I do that?
Men & Murphy.. they are related creatures you know..
so me in my wise sarcastic wisdom, tell him that I will pull the crane out of the garage and go ahead and bring it in that way, would that work for him?! He doesnt reply.. niiiiiice!!! Asshole..
ok.. hmm..now what..
I make some coffe.. turn on the cartoons for the wee ones, step outside, have a smoke.. and start laughing some more.. and I cant stop laughing.. hysteria is close behind... 8:30 am.. and Im losing it! Get the straight jacket ready, clean the padded Cell.. because Im on my way!

Finally get ahold of a friend to pick up the kids for school (my son is already late) get ahold of a co-worker to pick me up on her way to work (Thank you J, I love you & she brought me my double mocha.. thats a friend )
and R shows up, calls me at 10, and says.. I got the door on..

thank you for that...

So, its Murphy's Law, as the morning started out perfect, things were ON time, car started, kids were happy.. jingle bell's was in the air, and Murphy just flipped me his finger, and poof.. the goodness is GONE!!! ASSHOLE!!!

So, Im gonna fly to Ireland, find the pub that he's sitting in, and Im going to dump his mug of Guiness all over the top of his wee little head..
then Im gonna throw him on the ground, and kick him, stomp on his head, and spit on him...
Because this aint fair...
Ok, Murphy.. you got me..
If I promise to not fly to Ireland and beat the shit out of you.. will you leave me the hell alone already.. I give up.. you win... You are the victor!!!

So, Im hoping that 2006 will be better, as I cant take much more..

Inner Voices - they are making my head hurt

The throbbing inside my head just wont go away... all I want is to wake up in the morning stress free.

I have so many voices in my head today..well actually they have been there for the last few weeks, I have kept them mainly quiet by ignoring them, but every now and then, one pops out and tends to get me in a bit of trouble.

They wear many differant hats, Red for anger... green for jealousy... blue for envy.... white for laying down and doing nothing... and brown for the depression....
but lately its the red hat man that keep's rearing his ugly head...
The anger inside of me is a slow churning tornado, spiraling uptowards to a level 10, the most deadly and dangerous tornado that is out there, and when that happens, its blackout time... everything and anything w/in its path will be lost, destroyed, torn down and thrown away.

It scares me... but I can feel the anger just coursing through my system... just ready to explode into a million fragments and unleash itself on the unsuspecting...and then what? After the destruction you have to rebuild....and that take's compassion... understanding....loving hands...and a whole lot of forgivness... I dont have any of it in me.

the other hat men raise there heads too... (green) jealousy comes along for the friend of mine who gets everything handed to her from her grandfather... her mother... and then complains that there is no money and has to "borrow" from family again... (w/out having to pay it back)... (blue) envy for those that are always so happy... that have all their shit together, and dont have to worry about where the next payment for the power bill is coming from...envy for those in my life that actually smile and mean it, and are not just putting on a happy face for those around them....white, doing nothing.. to just lay down and sleep, and at times wish to not wake up...to just let things pass me by and go away, to leave me the hell alone! To just let me be!
Depression... goes right along w/the white hat... depressed that Christmas is around the corner, and so what? I tried to turn over a new life for Christmas... to embrace it, to acknowledge it, to like it.. but its not happening.. Depressed because of LIFE...

All my hats belong to me... they all make me up to be who I am... but the one that scares me the most is my red hat... ANGER is a dangerous and powerful thing, and so much evil comes out of ANGER... he is cruel....vindictive...powerful....

So.. please do not take it personal... I am containing him the best I can, if I unleash on you, just leave me be, I will come around...and I will apologize... or just pretend it didnt happen...

Someday, I will be back to the happy ol' jolly self that I should be, that I know I can be, that I will be!

Im just tired... just so tired..

Friendship

I got this idea from another blogger today, and actually, I have been thinking hard on how to say "Thank you" to a few friends who have recently come into my life, but have showed me in the short time that I have gotten to know them, what truly makes a friend.

There is an old poem/saying, that has been circulating for quite awhile, but I have it posted on my wall at work... this hits home everytime I read it....

People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

Reason......
Its is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance & support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconveinient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they walk away, sometimes they act up & force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on

Season......
Beacause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn, these friends bring you experience of peace, or make you laugh. They teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelieveable amount of joy. But only for a season.

Lifetime.....
These relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is clairvoyant.

So thank you to all my friends through out my life, for those that have taught me valuable lessons, have been there to hold my hand when I needed direction, held my head and wiped away my tears. Found their way into my guarded heart and have stayed there through the good, bad and the ugly.
I will never be able to truly thank you, but you know who you are and please know.. that to me you are there for me for a Lifetime... and I hope you will always be there.

I love you..