Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Inner Voices - they are making my head hurt

The throbbing inside my head just wont go away... all I want is to wake up in the morning stress free.

I have so many voices in my head today..well actually they have been there for the last few weeks, I have kept them mainly quiet by ignoring them, but every now and then, one pops out and tends to get me in a bit of trouble.

They wear many differant hats, Red for anger... green for jealousy... blue for envy.... white for laying down and doing nothing... and brown for the depression....
but lately its the red hat man that keep's rearing his ugly head...
The anger inside of me is a slow churning tornado, spiraling uptowards to a level 10, the most deadly and dangerous tornado that is out there, and when that happens, its blackout time... everything and anything w/in its path will be lost, destroyed, torn down and thrown away.

It scares me... but I can feel the anger just coursing through my system... just ready to explode into a million fragments and unleash itself on the unsuspecting...and then what? After the destruction you have to rebuild....and that take's compassion... understanding....loving hands...and a whole lot of forgivness... I dont have any of it in me.

the other hat men raise there heads too... (green) jealousy comes along for the friend of mine who gets everything handed to her from her grandfather... her mother... and then complains that there is no money and has to "borrow" from family again... (w/out having to pay it back)... (blue) envy for those that are always so happy... that have all their shit together, and dont have to worry about where the next payment for the power bill is coming from...envy for those in my life that actually smile and mean it, and are not just putting on a happy face for those around them....white, doing nothing.. to just lay down and sleep, and at times wish to not wake up...to just let things pass me by and go away, to leave me the hell alone! To just let me be!
Depression... goes right along w/the white hat... depressed that Christmas is around the corner, and so what? I tried to turn over a new life for Christmas... to embrace it, to acknowledge it, to like it.. but its not happening.. Depressed because of LIFE...

All my hats belong to me... they all make me up to be who I am... but the one that scares me the most is my red hat... ANGER is a dangerous and powerful thing, and so much evil comes out of ANGER... he is cruel....vindictive...powerful....

So.. please do not take it personal... I am containing him the best I can, if I unleash on you, just leave me be, I will come around...and I will apologize... or just pretend it didnt happen...

Someday, I will be back to the happy ol' jolly self that I should be, that I know I can be, that I will be!

Im just tired... just so tired..

3 comments:

Danielle said...

Gurl, been there!! As you know sometimes the "PB" comes out in me! ha!

Hope you are feeling better today, I am sure it will pass!!

Now turn the coffee pump up!

Barney said...

ah yes PB...
she is infesting me!!!

thats what I need...and exorcisism!!!!

thanks

Ms Peculiar said...

Barney, It is ok to "taste the rainbow". Shoot if you can't get the anger out... then you will implode. I am not one to talk because I am an angry little witch sometimes.. Worse than PB.. LOL
I hope that your colors mute themselves... I am working on a "Color" project right now, when I am done I am going to send you pictures, because I think that if ANYONE in this world will understand it.. it will be you.

Please feel better!
MsP