Friday, November 17, 2006

I feel.. ??????

I must be in need of a good cry. Do you ever feel like that? I listen to a song on the radio.. and I can feel my throat start closing up and my eyes start to water.
I was reading a story in the newspaper today, and my throat started to close up and my eyes started to water.
Listening to the DJ's on the radio talking to two sisters who have been looking for each other, for 20 yrs, and you guessed it, my throat started to close up and my eyes started to water.
On the flip side of all this sadness. Im still really fucking angry!!!
At what you ask?
So much.. and yet it's all things that I have no control over.
Tears of Anger... I need 24hrs alone by myself to just vent. Let the tears out.... allow the anger to engulf me then the depression and wait for that rare glimpse of sun that used to follow me around, and then maybe.. just maybe I will start to feel like myself again.
I tend to hide behind a smile and jokes.. making others laugh, these things normally make me feel better. But lately.. I can feel the red fingers of anger on the edges of my mind, trying to grasp me & take control of me.
Im afraid of the damage that will be done if I allow it to control me and take it's full form.

Other Things:
I got into w/a co-worker.. over something so miniscule that it rather irritated me. On Wednesday I got into work late, I asked one co-worker where another co-worker was (the co-worker I asked about is actually a friend of mine.. so I thought)
Anyhow.. Co-worker 2 came back and I asked if all was ok.. and she relays she was in a training session.. biggie.. and the rest of the day she proceeds to give me the cold shoulder and wont even speak to me. WTF?
So Thursday I ask her what her problem is.. and she states to me " I am here to do a job and Im tired of all the office BS. Im not here to make friends, I come in, I work and I dont appreciate others gossiping about me or asking my where-abouts!"
Again.. WTF?
This was via IM..
my reply to her.. after many delted responses (as Ive stated the red fingers are trying to consume me)
so.. my reply..
First.. I asked where you were because your normally at your desk, and you werent at 9:30 in the morning. I know you have been having some health issues and I was concerned.
Second.. we were not gossiping about you.. I asked.. that was that..
Third.. I do not appreciate you ASSUMING that I would talk about you behind your back. ASSUMING things does one thing.. it makes an ASS out of you.. and me.. and I dont appreciate that. In the future... how about I just dont give a shit if you are here or not!
Have a good day
She came back with the statement.. well Im over it now..
HUH? there was nothing to get over.. whatever..
So.. I guess that friendship that I thought was budding is no more.. fine.. do your fucking job....

Am in the wrong here? What did I do that was so wrong? GAWD people piss me the fuck off.. especially touchy women!!!

Other thoughts:
Yesterday at work the company thru a "mixer"
Company mixer for all the employees w/in the building to mix, eat, socialize..
food, make believe gambling tables ( I say make believe because there was no actual money involved) but there was roulette, poker, blackjack, bingo.. all in good fun.. fake money of course...
and food.. ton's of catered food.. oh.. did I mention the company provided us w/beer & wine too!!
Everyone w/in our company in order to pass background security has to be 21... so there was no issue there.. it's odd though, walking around work carrying a beer.. kind of an odd sensation!!!
Anyhow.. I didnt participate in the games.. I wasnt in the mood to socialize.. but I took them up on the free booze!!!

Another thing:
Im so disappointed w/myself... I was doing so well.. but alas... I didnt follow thru..
I started smoking again.. I know I know...
It was just mainly I would have one when I would drink.. then it was just when I was stressed..
and well now.. Im a smoker again..
however.. I dont smoke at home.. so the kids & family dont know I started again.. duh.. do I really think they cant smell it on me???!!!!
Another point of anger you think?

Ok.... I guess Im done for now..

Have a great weekend..
Peace (Im trying to find some)


The Dung Beetle said...

I can relate to your using humor to mask your feelings... I do it all the time.

I'm sorry to hear about your work troubles and I hope things turn around for you soon.

April said...

Must be the rain, I kinda need a good cry too!!

The Blog Whore said...

Oh yes, I so miss those office politics..